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signalnoise
Mar 7, 2008

i was told my old av was distracting
Can't wait for the release of Star Wars The Force Awakens Extended Edition

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Owlbear Camus
Jan 3, 2013

Maybe this guy that flies is just sort of passing through, you know?



the scene of finn sharing a drink of water with the nose-and-rear end monster is exended to a full 5 minutes of him just gulping down water and retching

Crab Dad
Dec 28, 2002

behold i have tempered and refined thee, but not as silver; as CRAB


Otisburg posted:

the scene of finn sharing a drink of water with the nose-and-rear end monster is exended to a full 5 minutes of him just gulping down water and retching

Please don't kink shame.

Midjack
Dec 24, 2007



TheCosmicMuffet posted:

So I was kind of done with Episode 4 aka 'The Star Wars movie' even when I was a kid. I was thinking how I'd rewrite it if I had to.

Opening scenes remain the same, except the SSD notices the escape pod with R2 and C3PO in it and says something to the effect of 'send a team to investigate'.

Cut to tatooine, mysterious guy in a robe is watching the little far off flashes in the sky that show there's a battle going on, and then sees the bright spot in the sky as the escape pod comes down near him. He begins moving towards it. We cut to some jawas on their sandwalker who also see the streak, have an ootini related discussion about it, and then start driving toward the site.

The jawas arrive first, C3P0 bitches and moans and blames R2 and whtaever, and then they're ushered into the sandcrawler, which goes crawling somewhere.
Guy in robe arrives in time to see them take the droids and keeps following them.

Sand crawler parks near some farms. Owen and Luke are trudging toward it. Luke and Owen have an abridged highlights-only version of their argument at the dinner table/outdoors in the original film. We find out that owen is kind of a dickhead, and luke is kind of a whiny loser. As they approach the sandcrawler, storm trooper thing lands and starts shooting poo poo up. C3P0 whines. R2D2 hides behind a thing. Owen and luke take cover, then start running away from the mayhem. Mysterious figure appears and Owen seems to know him.

Owen: WTF
Obi wan: I'm looking for those droids
Owen: WTF?
Obi wan: They're important
Owen: Last time you showed up...
Luke: Last time? You know this guy?*whine*
Owen: Shut the gently caress up luke. Also implicitly trust this rear end in a top hat. He's a good friend. Who I hate.

Owen tells luke to stay hidden, scrambles back to the farm to get the speeder with Obi Wan, they speeder it up behind the sand crawler while the mayhem is taking place, the light saber briefly appears making Luke's eyes go super-wide, and then the stick the robots in the speeder, and book it. There is no Beru in this story, so Owen Luke, droids, and Owi wan head off over the hills. A storm trooper notices, but Owi wan pulls some force poo poo and the trooper either passes out or gets confused, or shits himself or something.

They arrive at mos eisley, Obi want and Owen tell luke to shut the gently caress up and stay with the car, because they're going to look for a freighter to stow away on. They stow away on the millenium falcon. Han Solo is shown blowing the brains out of a green thing without explanation and then booking it for his ship. He has no time to do preflight checks or whatever, or notify his crew. There is no Chewbacca in this story. He scrambles on board, takes off and escapes. As he's flying away, he gets pulled over by the SSD, and inspected. As he rushes to his cargo hold to flush his doobies, he is surprised to find Owen, Obi wan, Luke, and droids in his hold. He is angry. Everyone is arrested and thrown in detention cells. Luke is in with Leia, because nobody knows who she is or cares. Vader sees obi wan and is all 'Fucker, I'm going to use all the torture droids on you.' Owen is in with han, and they start to get along because they're both surly assholes.

Rest of the death star stuff happens, except Owen and Han are the ones who catalyze it by taking a chance and rushing the guards when they're being transferred for some reason. They get in their suits, find luke and obi wan. Leia is like 'holy poo poo, you're the guy I was trying to email with an astromech courier, which, upon further consideration and given how much easier it'd be to launch a probe droid, makes no sense.' Obi wan is all 'oh gently caress, ok. Great.' so they go after the droids. Vader detects a presence, things go awry, and it plays out the same with obi wan getting laser sword in the neck, and Owen, Han, Leia, and droids on the ship. They go to the rebel base. The rebel base is all 'oh poo poo. You dumb loving fuckers, not only did you not bring help, you lead them right to us'. The SSD goes to the base, starts pewing lasers. The base launches a couple meager wings of fighters, and they reprise the scenes from a good Pearl Harbor movie. Scrambling to escape, the SSD finishes obliterating the base, and the various rebel ships escape in all directions. SSD is seen space-shipping toward giant black moonNO WIAT ITS NOT A MEUN. Vader has a phone call with the emperor. The emperor is like 'What? Rebels? are you loving kidding me? Get some extra regular size star destroyers and hunt those shitheads down. It's like rats. If you see one, you're going to have dozens.'

SSD Scumsayswhat starts sending out all the probes and the bounty hunters and so forth. Rebels escape through asteroid fields. They get attacked on ice planets and have to escape (keep the parts with the AT ATs coming to get cha, but dump the bullshit about taun tauns and luke getting cold, and the ice bear monster and han, leia, and luke even being there in the first place). Montage.

Finally, the rag tag rebels from all corners of wherever start meeting up in orbit over dagobah. We meet admiral squid person and the only other woman in the galaxy. They discuss what this has all been about (plans!) and where the death star is. Then they decide to go kill it to death. We get the battle from the end of RotJ. Luke is captured, vader recognizes him, and does the 'your father' thing. Then freezes him in carbonite. The emperor is blown up with the death star, and vader escapes in a shuttle. He mutters that the emperor was a weak shithead and got what's coming to him. Han and Owen meet up after the battle in the falcon and, owen is pissed. It's clear that Han and Owen are starting to fall in love. Leia is not anybody's sister in this story, and maybe she can be the a-wing that suicides into the bridge of the SSD. That would be kind of great for a lot of reasons.

That sets up a second movie where Owen and Han go after Luke. Luke is woken up in a hutt's palace that is on another planet, because gently caress tatooine being the center of the universe. Vader is darthing around on the QT, biding his time. The empire has a new leader--doesn't matter who. Boba fett for all I care. We get the rescue scene from the beginning of RoTJ and the Hutt (he can be jabba, why not) is all 'what the gently caress, Han?! Is that you? You poodo for brains, where's my spice rack'. Han can do some witty repartee, and whatever, then they run away, and meet up with Han's old friend Lando on bespin. Luke is now wondering what's up, and Owen says 'yeah, sorry, uh. You're adopted. I wasn't married to your mom, and I've never been married, though actually, Han and I are thinking about it. Obi wan asked me to take care of you, because your father is the leader of a creepy cult. We didn't want you to grow up in the cult and get emo.'

Vader follows them to bespin, connects with some imperial forces who are all like 'you know, we're creepy cult members too, and we want to see Vader 4 Emp 2028 bumper stickers on every TIE fighter in the galaxy'. Vader says he'll do it, but he's got a potential weak spot if they don't deal with his estranged son. Like, you don't want it on your creepy cult leader resume that your own son isn't in the cult! They committ a lukenapping, and luke is like 'well, owen never lets me do anything cool' so vader says 'you know what's cool? Watch this' and then chokes a guy out through a viewscreen. Luke is totally sold and starts his training under Vader. Han, Owen, and Lando try to get him back in time, but fail. The rest of the movie is the Guns of Navarone, where the objective is to disable the orbital canons that will prevent a daring rebel raid. Since luke is who knows where, Owen talks Han into doing it. Lando, it turns out, was always more political than Han, and is worried about what will happen if Vader is elected, so he's down to sabotage.

3rd movie starts as Triumph of the Will told from Darth Vader and Luke's perspective, but then becomes D-Day in one fell swoop, as Rebels, leading a coalition of Democratic Imperial forces, Rim world forces, like the Hutts who don't want to see a Sith in power again (especially after that Death star bullshit, I mean, loving seriously, are you kdding me?) make a massive landing against Coruscant. Vader is too busy training luke to even give a poo poo for a while, giving the allies the crucial time they need to land a beach head on coruscant and liberate part of the planet.

In the end, it turns out tha tLUke is a disappointment, and not very powerful. Vader says he's weak and worthless. Luke seethes with rage and betrayal. At a crucial moment as Vader returns to coruscant with reinforcements to try to turn the tide, luke sticks a light saber up his rear end, grabs an escape pod, and, after the battle, finds Own and Han, tearfully apologizes for being a shithead, and they hug as a new family. Han tousles his hair and says 'hey, don't worry about it, ancient weapons are no match for a good blaster--I'll teach you how to shoot.'

On that heartwarming note, the movie ends. Prelate Jar Jar is appointed interim leader of the Empire while new legislation is put in place to secure separation of Spooky Cults and Imperial Government.

Then we segway straight into ep 7, just leaving out chewbacca and leia, with Owen and Lando filling in.

same

LordAba
Oct 22, 2012

by FactsAreUseless

Moola posted:

hows it feel being dead inside?

P good, actually. Join us!

Kai Tave
Jul 2, 2012
Fallen Rib

LingcodKilla posted:

Release Star Wars 30 minute shorts as an add on to meh performing movies every month.

Unironically I'd love this if they did it in the style of old WWII "News From The Front" reels.

Atlas Hugged
Mar 12, 2007


Put your arms around me,
fiddly digits, itchy britches
I love you all

LingcodKilla posted:

The anticipation at that scene drove me crazy and was actually distracting. I felt I got some sort of reverse trolled. I felt bad for assuming what would happen.

I've got to wonder how familiar with the criticism Abrams is. Do you think he sat around and watched excerpts from the RLM reviews during downtime on set? How else did a giant alien monster rear end in a top hat end up in the center of the screen for 2 seconds?

Galaga Galaxian
Apr 23, 2009

What a childish tactic!
Don't you think you should put more thought into your battleplan?!


Kai Tave posted:

Unironically I'd love this if they did it in the style of old WWII "News From The Front" reels.

The Clone Wars series had each episode open with a newreel-esque narration. It got kinda old.

Renfield
Feb 29, 2008
I'd quite like to keep reading this thread, before seeing the movie - so can everyone Shut Up or at least spoiler anything to do with the new Star Wars film please

Owlbear Camus
Jan 3, 2013

Maybe this guy that flies is just sort of passing through, you know?



One scene that bothered me: When Han Solo is gushing to Finn about "Draft Kings: the daily fantasy sports site where you can pick your line up and earn credits every day, rather than waiting a whole season."

Kind of felt like product placement, if I'm being honest.

Runa
Feb 13, 2011

I intend to watch the new star wars but couldn't give a rat's rear end if the entire movie were spoiled for me because if it's a good movie it'll be good regardless of whether or not I already know the plot beats and our modern obsession with going into things spoiler-free is unhealthy

Runa
Feb 13, 2011

I make exceptions for whodunits but even then if you've, say, already read Agatha Christie's poirot novels and short stories that doesn't obsolete the TV series for you personally

Crab Dad
Dec 28, 2002

behold i have tempered and refined thee, but not as silver; as CRAB


Atlas Hugged posted:

I've got to wonder how familiar with the criticism Abrams is. Do you think he sat around and watched excerpts from the RLM reviews during downtime on set? How else did a giant alien monster rear end in a top hat end up in the center of the screen for 2 seconds?

It was loving amazing if he just naturally had the common decency to not go for the yucks.

Extended edition will have that scene spread out to 30 seconds with 20 of it being a focus on a big ol poo poo tip turtling in and out and back in again.

Renfield
Feb 29, 2008

gently caress off

Chill la Chill
Jul 2, 2007

Don't lose your gay


Otisburg posted:

One scene that bothered me: When Han Solo is gushing to Finn about "Draft Kings: the daily fantasy sports site where you can pick your line up and earn credits every day, rather than waiting a whole season."

Kind of felt like product placement, if I'm being honest.

The man was an old gambler. What else do you think he did during the down time? How else would he have won that giant freighter with the Papa John's logo emblazoned on top?

Crab Dad
Dec 28, 2002

behold i have tempered and refined thee, but not as silver; as CRAB


Papa Johns does have a galaxy of flavors.

Midjack
Dec 24, 2007



T.G. Xarbala posted:

our modern obsession with going into things spoiler-free is unhealthy

You are basically saying you'd rather have someone eat a steak and then poo poo in your mouth rather than eat a steak yourself.

I don't kinkshame but you might wanna see someone about that.

JerryLee
Feb 4, 2005

THE RESERVED LIST! THE RESERVED LIST! I CANNOT SHUT UP ABOUT THE RESERVED LIST!

Midjack posted:

You are basically saying you'd rather have someone eat a steak and then poo poo in your mouth rather than eat a steak yourself.

I don't kinkshame but you might wanna see someone about that.

I'm really curious to hear the ways in which you think that the process of learning and then retelling a plot point in a movie is akin to digesting a steak into poop because from where I'm sitting it looks like you made the logical leap to feces entirely of your own accord.

Not to shame if that's the case; unnecessarily making metaphors about feces is something I do all the time.

Spiderdrake
May 12, 2001



Renfield posted:

I'd quite like to keep reading this thread, before seeing the movie - so can everyone Shut Up or at least spoiler anything to do with the new Star Wars film please
So read the thread after you've seen the film it's not hard

seriously

we're on the INTERNET

Atlas Hugged
Mar 12, 2007


Put your arms around me,
fiddly digits, itchy britches
I love you all
Yeah, the movie has been out for days and with timezone shenanigans, some of us had seen the movie and were talking about it a full 24 hours before the US release.

Runa
Feb 13, 2011

Midjack posted:

You are basically saying you'd rather have someone eat a steak and then poo poo in your mouth rather than eat a steak yourself.

I don't kinkshame but you might wanna see someone about that.

:itwaspoo:

Ashcans
Jan 2, 2006

Let's do the space-time warp again!

Atlas Hugged posted:

Yeah, the movie has been out for days and with timezone shenanigans, some of us had seen the movie and were talking about it a full 24 hours before the US release.

I don't really give a poo poo, but I don't think it's entirely unreasonable to ask that not every thread on the forums be Star Wars for two weeks of however long it takes people to burn out talking about it.

Moola
Aug 16, 2006

I was with you until you remove chewie

Moola
Aug 16, 2006
if you care about the new star wars being spoiled before you watch it

then youre actually normal and cool

Herr Tog
Jun 18, 2011

Grimey Drawer

Leperflesh posted:

I noticed that for the first time in any Star Wars movie, a person treated a droid as if it were an autonomous intelligent being rather than property.

Episode one, R2D2, being thanks by queen amadala.

Its Rinaldo
Aug 13, 2010

CODS BINCH

LingcodKilla posted:

Papa Johns does have a galaxy of flavors.

🎼Nationwide is on Rey's side🎼"

Runa
Feb 13, 2011

i'm going to spoil what happens to the old world after the endtimes

Runa
Feb 13, 2011

the new Phoenix King is Kylo Ren

Leperflesh
May 17, 2007

Herr Tog posted:

Episode one, R2D2, being thanks by queen amadala.

Why spoiler that, lol! But no, they got thanked at the end of Jedi, too. Amidala still treated them as property, although she was polite about it.

e. also that film never happened


also yes OK lets stop discussing star wars. Hey everyone, I got X-wangs from my secret santa

Moola
Aug 16, 2006
I'm gonna get myself the new x-wing starter set after christmas

it has Poe in it who is dreamy and cute

Crab Dad
Dec 28, 2002

behold i have tempered and refined thee, but not as silver; as CRAB


Moola posted:

I'm gonna get myself the new x-wing starter set after christmas

it has Poe in it who is dreamy and cute

Poe was dumb. Did not like Poe. BB-8 should get the nod for Best Supporting Actor.

Moola
Aug 16, 2006
Poe is great and dreamy and cute

I have a crush on him and Rey

BB8 was the best new character though

Crab Dad
Dec 28, 2002

behold i have tempered and refined thee, but not as silver; as CRAB


Moola posted:

Poe is great and dreamy and cute

I have a crush on him and Rey

BB8 was the best new character though

Rey certainly had a boyish charm.

Moola
Aug 16, 2006
she has pretty eyes and a nice smile

also she is cool and fierce

Moola
Aug 16, 2006
like my cat Jessie

signalnoise
Mar 7, 2008

i was told my old av was distracting
She got that Keira Knightly jaw

Moola
Aug 16, 2006
here's a picture of my cat Jessie:

Crab Dad
Dec 28, 2002

behold i have tempered and refined thee, but not as silver; as CRAB


Moola posted:

here's a picture of my cat Jessie:



Stop feeding your fat cat.

Moola
Aug 16, 2006
shes not fat you dummy that was a zoom in!



she is a beautiful princess

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Captain Rufus
Sep 16, 2005

CAPTAIN WORD SALAD

OFF MY MEDS AGAIN PLEASE DON'T USE BIG WORDS

UNNECESSARY LINE BREAK
I think I am gonna combine X Wangs and the 1st edition West End Games RPG into an RPG/Minis campaign where the players are A. Y, and X Wang pilots like 5 years before Force Awakens so they can be like on the front lines of a mysterious new enemy that seems to have gotten lots of Imperial toys. (Because I have mainly Imp stuff for X Wang so might as well use it as OpFor!)

I did one like 10 years ago that was basically TIE FIGHTER: ABOVE AND BEYOND where I used the Silent Death ruleset and the SW Minis for ground combat and the players were all TIE pilots backstabbing each other like assholes to the point one player was a loving triple agent against some pirates. I had no idea WTF to do because he was betraying everyone at once.

Now I have gobs of spaceships that aren't getting used right now and I have the D6 SW Spaceship game and the (terrible) minis game so with a little tweaking I can do X Wang Space Above and Beyond.

I'll give PCs extra rerolls n poo poo if they buy and paint their own ship since their CO is a crazy eccentric lady who somehow owns her own Corellian Corvette which will be like their home base that their planes can get light repair work n poo poo done as opposed to just hyperjumping everywhere. Itll be a craft full of wackos and fuckups who just love kicking Imperial rear end and they still haven't gotten bored of it 25 odd years after RotJ. (I'm thinking of calling the ship the Silpheed. Yes from the Sega CD game.)

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