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vyst posted:I gently caress fat coworkers at the office on the regular. Free sex. hey duder. still rockin the flaps?
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Dec 30, 2015 06:19
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Molentik posted:Not long after that we found his dog in the kennel, all cozy and curled up on his blanket. He had died in his sleep, with one of his paws on his stuffed toy I gave him as company. 
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Dec 30, 2015 11:33
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Disabled Toilet Fun posted:Some little kid took a poo poo in the middle of McDonalds. We made the token retard clean it up. Username/post combo 
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Dec 30, 2015 12:15
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I have a couple stories, one from my time filming for an NGO in Uganda, and the other I heard from a fellow American co-worker. My story occurred when I got roped into filming a wedding for the Regional Director, a Ugandan woman. The wedding took place in the local village where herself and multiple generations before her had grown up. In front of everyone, I witnessed the father of the bride as he berated the local downie (who was loving huge) and then outright pimp slapped he boy. The slapforce was so great, this lumbering giant fell backwards over a bicycle and started crying, causing every Ugandan present to start outright belly laughing. It was just me and three other westerners just sharing awkward glances with each other while the entire wedding stopped to laugh for a good 2-3 minutes. I wasn't present for this next one, but my co-worker (Jeb) had to beat a man shitless in order to save his life. It started when the non-profit he worked for threw a party at the intern house he lived in. I guess at some point a nefarious fellow pretended he was invited, gained entry to the house, and stole some poo poo, including Jeb's laptop. Being a tiny town, not only did the local party goers figure out who the uninvited guest was, they knew what village he lived in. So Jeb and some Ugandan employees drive out there and find his hut. He said it was like something out of a movie, because the guy was sifting through iTunes when they kicked the door down, and the song currently blasting was Beastie Boys' "Sabotage". Word quickly spread and suddenly the entire village is there, intent on killing the thief. Mob justice reigns outside of towns because there ain't no cops around, and nobody wants to live next to a thief. Suddenly Jeb and his co-workers are having to defend this guy from the village. The guy is still in his hut and they block the door. After a long, heated debate, Jeb and his team convince everyone that a severe beating will be a hard enough lesson and that after, this guy will never steal again. So then Jeb and his co-workers are basically forced to beat the ever loving poo poo out of this guy as the whole village cheers them on. They finally stop, and the villagers are seemingly satisfied. Jeb ended up driving his thief to the hospital and paid for the visit. Still, I wouldn't doubt it if that guy was dead within a week; Ugandans don't gently caress around when it comes to property or grudges. Poisoning someone you don't like is a thing there.
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Dec 30, 2015 13:12
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Faux-rear end Nonsense posted:hey duder. still rockin the flaps? Yea, I have surgery scheduled for the beginning of next year so hopefully I can donate the flaps to children in need.
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Dec 30, 2015 13:41
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nice!you should def see if you can keep the flaps, tan them in strips and make a talismanic bracelet. so is it the kind of sex where you both think you're doing the other a favour?
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Dec 30, 2015 18:41
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overheard the guy in the next cubicle comparing "Interstellar" to "2001: A Space Odyssey." So yeah you could say I've seen some poo poo
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Dec 30, 2015 22:04
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One time I had to finish a project three days earlier than expected. I was like, jesus christ and took a half day for a week afterwards.
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Dec 30, 2015 22:37
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I'm glad this thread is still going on, because I really want to share a story I had happen to me recently when I was working at the local race track. It was right before we closed up for the afternoon, early. They had to have some daylight to spread dirt around the inside of the track so the monster trucks could drive over cars the next day. Well, it's not really race season right now so we open the track up to track days for all the local people who want to race their 1963 VW Beetles or whatever. You get to see some really creative folks, and it's kind of fun for everyone involved. Well, this one guy decided to bring a stock BMW M3 in. Brand new. That's fine, we see that all the time. He signs the papers over, we check over his car (there's a required safety check before the race) and take down his license number. Over the course of the day, this guy drives this car like crazy, just pouring the power on and squealing wheels at every possible moment. By the end of the day we had to have him sit out a heat because we were worried he was going to pop a tire or something from all the heat. Well the next day my boss calls me in and asks has 2 cops in his office. He asks me about the car and the guy and that entire day. The police take notes, thank me, and send me on my way. I ask them what this is all about and they said "Oh, that car was reported stolen 3 days ago."
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Dec 30, 2015 22:45
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I once helped a composer friend of mine transcribe his masterpiece on his deathbed, it was kind of hard to keep up with him in his feverish state but eventually we finished what became his last symphony. He died the next morning
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Dec 31, 2015 00:58
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SciFiDownBeat posted:I once helped a composer friend of mine transcribe his masterpiece on his deathbed, it was kind of hard to keep up with him in his feverish state but eventually we finished what became his last symphony. He died the next morning I guess he'll never be the head of a major corporation 
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Dec 31, 2015 01:12
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One time at burger King I got yelled at for dumping a pan of raw rear end 1/2 cooked burgers that came out of the flame broiler. Manager was mad about the waste and told me we should have finished them off in the microwave.
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Dec 31, 2015 06:25
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Nooner posted:I guess he'll never be the head of a major corporation
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Dec 31, 2015 06:38
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SciFiDownBeat posted:I once helped a composer friend of mine transcribe his masterpiece on his deathbed, it was kind of hard to keep up with him in his feverish state but eventually we finished what became his last symphony. He died the next morning You took credit for it right?
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Dec 31, 2015 10:23
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SquadronROE posted:I'm glad this thread is still going on, because I really want to share a story I had happen to me recently when I was working at the local race track. It was right before we closed up for the afternoon, early. They had to have some daylight to spread dirt around the inside of the track so the monster trucks could drive over cars the next day. Drive it like you stole it
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Dec 31, 2015 14:41
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Faux-rear end Nonsense posted:hey duder. still rockin the flaps? Haha what is this? Beside the best greeting phrase in history I mean. What does it even mean? Is it any of my drat business? So many questions.
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Dec 31, 2015 14:49
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SciFiDownBeat posted:I once helped a composer friend of mine transcribe his masterpiece on his deathbed, it was kind of hard to keep up with him in his feverish state but eventually we finished what became his last symphony. He died the next morning Oh Salieri, you snake.
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Dec 31, 2015 15:45
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One time a cosmic beam turned the Wawa I worked at into organic matter. The windows all turned into really thin and wide eyes that broke under their own weight, spilling vitreous stuff all over the loving floor. it was a bitch to clean
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Dec 31, 2015 16:10
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Kikka posted:One time a cosmic beam turned the Wawa I worked at into organic matter. The windows all turned into really thin and wide eyes that broke under their own weight, spilling vitreous stuff all over the loving floor. it was a bitch to clean Did the drat touchscreens work though
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Dec 31, 2015 17:13
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I read this thread at work.
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Dec 31, 2015 17:14
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Kitsunegari posted:Did the drat touchscreens work though cashiers couldnt ring up people because they (the screens, not the cashiers lol) touched them back. you ever seen the scene in Oldboy where he eats the live octopus?
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Dec 31, 2015 17:17
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Another story from one of those track days. This time someone wanted to test out their homemade kit car on the track. They had spent years making this thing, and you could tell the guy was super proud of it. Our inspectors were kept by his car for half an hour while the guy explained all the things he'd done to make sure it would work safely. He had it on a trailer, which should have been our first warning that it might not go well. The second warning should have been that he said it was his own innovations that made it really interesting. Well, it turns out that instead of using sheet metal or fiberglass for the body, he actually spent time shaping and attaching wooden panels. He thought that this would make the car more flexible in the turns and lighter. You should have seen his face when he cranked the car up for the first time and after a few minutes the engine compartment (around the exhaust manifold) caught fire.
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Dec 31, 2015 17:26
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Kikka posted:cashiers couldnt ring up people because they (the screens, not the cashiers lol) touched them back. you ever seen the scene in Oldboy where he eats the live octopus? Oh I understand now, Thanks Kikka
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Dec 31, 2015 17:31
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Karate Bastard posted:Haha what is this? Beside the best greeting phrase in history I mean. What does it even mean? Is it any of my drat business? So many questions. I thought it was as in "rockin' his fat coworkers meat flaps", but it doesn't seem so.
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Dec 31, 2015 17:41
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This may be the biggest dick head thing I've ever seen done by any father to his son short of literally loving him. A father takes out a life insurance policy on his son when he was a child and he pumps the thing full of cash value (basically means that the life insurance is worth something even if the insured doesn't die). He keeps this policy in place and building cash value for about 30 something years. He then takes out all the loans he can against the policy leaving just barely enough cash value to keep the thing in place for a couple more years before it will eventually lapse and and cause a taxable event for all the gain that was taken out of the contract. He then "gifts" the policy to his son (making him the owner of it) as a birthday gift showing him old statements with all the cash value and no loans on the policy. Years go by and this guy thinks his dad just basically gave him several hundred thousands of dollars.....until he gets the letter from the insurance company telling him he needs to pay $10,000 to keep the policy in place for another year or its going to lapse. This is when I enter the picture and find out that there was almost $350,000 in taxable gains in the loans that the son is going to have to pay since he is now owner of the contract and he sure as hell can't afford it.
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Dec 31, 2015 18:19
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Solice Kirsk posted:This may be the biggest dick head thing I've ever seen done by any father to his son short of literally loving him. A father takes out a life insurance policy on his son when he was a child and he pumps the thing full of cash value (basically means that the life insurance is worth something even if the insured doesn't die). He keeps this policy in place and building cash value for about 30 something years. He then takes out all the loans he can against the policy leaving just barely enough cash value to keep the thing in place for a couple more years before it will eventually lapse and and cause a taxable event for all the gain that was taken out of the contract. He then "gifts" the policy to his son (making him the owner of it) as a birthday gift showing him old statements with all the cash value and no loans on the policy. Years go by and this guy thinks his dad just basically gave him several hundred thousands of dollars.....until he gets the letter from the insurance company telling him he needs to pay $10,000 to keep the policy in place for another year or its going to lapse. This is when I enter the picture and find out that there was almost $350,000 in taxable gains in the loans that the son is going to have to pay since he is now owner of the contract and he sure as hell can't afford it. That's lovely, but I'm having a hard time understanding how the son is liable for the fraud committed by the father. Shouldn't he be able to file a police report and give that to the IRS to cancel the tax liability?
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Dec 31, 2015 19:02
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Dirk Squarejaw posted:I thought it was as in "rockin' his fat coworkers meat flaps", but it doesn't seem so. vyst is a former extreme fat and he has leftover skin flaps from his insane weight loss
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Jan 1, 2016 07:15
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also, someone once pissed in a stockpot in the shop i worked at and just left it on the shelf
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Jan 1, 2016 07:15
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I went to see my old high school friend the other night after work and we were talking about our jobs. He works at a mega walmart and casually remarked that someone he works with poo poo on the floor back by the milk and they couldn't figure out who it was. I was like wtf that gross, and hes like yeah its happened a few times. Hes only been working there for like a month 
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Jan 1, 2016 07:51
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I saw a kid get mauled by two german shepherds when we were selling soaps and cleaning products door to door in the suburbs. Nobody was home at the house, the dogs let him walk right up to the front door, then cut off his exit and attacked him on the way out. Kid was maybe 10 years old, he got torn up pretty bad.
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Jan 1, 2016 13:22
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A guy tried to throw his Hep C + blood at me. Someone with a GI bleed and poor clotting factors making GBS threads the bed so bad I had to keep throwing towels into the bed because it was my last priority. A family member of a person poo poo in the bathroom then start sobbing because he was withdrawing from heroin. Another drunk family member threatened to shoot us. ER started an iv on a patient but left the needle cap in the bed. The patient found the cap and swallowed it. An offer to get my D sucked if I let them leave.
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Jan 1, 2016 14:57
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Lardass boss who would always "treat" us to lunch by having Domino's pepperoni pizza delivered so we could wolf it down in 5 minutes and not get a lunch break. None of us liked pepperoni pizza except for fatty and after moving heavy stuff in the sun all day the last thing you want is greasy, lovely pizza. Also he would blow cigar smoke in your face. I apologize that my story was more hosed up than any of yours. e: ok the actual worst thing was the lesbian homeless couple who lived in our parking lot in their station wagon with their dog for like 2-3 weeks. they'd bathe themselves in the bathroom sink and leave the paper towels all over the place. they were also incredibly rude! RNG fucked around with this message at 15:54 on Jan 1, 2016 |
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Jan 1, 2016 15:05
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Weebly posted:A guy tried to throw his Hep C + blood at me. So you work from home?
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Jan 1, 2016 15:22
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i worked at a wine bar in university and i once walked in on a coworker jacking off into another coworker's (a girl) metal water tumbler thermos thing that she drank out of in the back room on breaks. he didn't see me i think, so i'm pretty sure he just busted a nut and then walked away. i don't know exactly why he did it, but she was a bitch who bragged about giving a guy an STD once so i didn't interrupt.
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Jan 1, 2016 16:22
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strap on revenge posted:vyst is a former extreme fat and he has leftover skin flaps from his insane weight loss That dispels a number of cool mysteries. I am conflicted. Congrats on your upcoming flap reduction vyst!
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Jan 1, 2016 16:56
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As a teenager working at the local Jewel-Osco, the assistant manger hated the general manager and started to plot to get him fired. This included telling the people working the one hour photo machine to hold on to inappropriate pictures that sometimes wind up in the rolls, especially with kids, so she could stick them in his desk and call the cops. She tried to sow discontent among the teenage employees (the guy was bad at his job) and was asking some of the cashiers to state he made them uncomfortable and feel sexually harassed. A few weeks later I was dragged into the breakroom by a bunch of union people and interrogated. I was asked questions like "did she ever say she wanted to 'take him out'" and essentially asked if she had asked me to kill the dude. She hadn't, and she lost her job. I've tried to avoid retail after that.
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Jan 1, 2016 17:08
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Karate Bastard posted:Congrats on your upcoming flap reduction vyst! As another former fatty I too congratulate you on your upcoming flap reduction!
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Jan 1, 2016 17:16
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poop smeared on the walls and the toilet.
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Jan 1, 2016 17:51
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rubbe posted:poop smeared on the walls and the toilet. Ah, so you work at home?
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Jan 1, 2016 18:48
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Gun in my face during interview with FLDS cult member. Interview with crying woman released from county jail after she lost her unborn child due to DOC abuse. Male venue bouncer beating the poo poo out of a teenaged girl caught drinking while underage. Multiple diesel trucks firebombed at rural truck stop. Ran out with extinguisher, ran in as the flames approached the gas tank. Wayne Coyne and Miley Cyrus onstage together. The average crime or breaking news reporter will top all of mine.
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Jan 2, 2016 12:38
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