shit_that_didnt_happen.txt: TRUE WISDOM FROM WHERE YOU EXPECT IT LEAST. AMEN!

The Something Awful Forums > Main > Post Your Favorite: Carefully Curated > shit_that_didnt_happen.txt: TRUE WISDOM FROM WHERE YOU EXPECT IT LEAST. AMEN!

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Maw: Feb 18, 2013; Mere minutes after discovering the new technology, it was used to send me a crude ASCII dong.

Paladinus posted:

loving hell.

Hell yeah.

# ? Jan 29, 2016 19:02

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# ? May 27, 2024 14:57

Fathis Munk: Feb 23, 2013; ??? ?

Paladinus posted:

loving hell.

Haha holy poo poo finally got home to listen to this, I did not expect the sound effects and background music :five:

Do feel free to make more of those.

# ? Jan 29, 2016 19:34

MariusLecter: Sep 5, 2009; NI MUERTE NI MIEDO

Paladinus posted:

loving hell.

You make my life worth living.

# ? Jan 29, 2016 19:38

veni veni veni: Jun 5, 2005

Pththya-lyi posted:

STDH: A conversation about trigger warnings was productive

Here, have some content:

E: There's a store called "Scheels" in St. Cloud, Minnesota, a city where a lot of Somali immigrants live.

Christian persecution stories are some of my favorite stdh. The gall it takes to act like you are being persecuted in a country where you get to be the moral majority and persecute others is amazing.

# ? Jan 29, 2016 19:50

Paladinus: Jan 11, 2014; heyHEYYYY!!!

Thanks for the positive feedback, everyone. I'll definitely record more stuff if something catches my eye.

# ? Jan 29, 2016 20:07

SEX BURRITO: Jun 30, 2007; Not much fun

Pththya-lyi posted:

STDH: A conversation about trigger warnings was productive

Here, have some content:

E: There's a store called "Scheels" in St. Cloud, Minnesota, a city where a lot of Somali immigrants live.

Muslims be like

# ? Jan 29, 2016 20:24

uranium grass: Jan 15, 2005

"Public school forced my child to convert to Islam"

Fox News posted:

Folks, our public schools have become indoctrination centers � promoting Islam and marginalizing every other religion. I�ve reported on similar incidents across the country.

# ? Jan 29, 2016 21:40

Pththya-lyi: Nov 8, 2009; THUNDERDOME LOSER 2020

The poo poo that Did Happen is that a teacher made a worksheet that asked students to copy a fancy calligraphic version of the Shahada (the Islamic declaration of faith) as part of her Islam unit:

In order to officially become a Muslim, you have to say the Shahada and mean it. Even so, the teacher apologized and admitted that the activity was ill-chosen. Didn't stop people from getting mad, though.

# ? Jan 29, 2016 21:53

Paladinus: Jan 11, 2014; heyHEYYYY!!!

I'd probably be offended if I was a Muslim.

# ? Jan 29, 2016 22:02

GOTTA STAY FAI: Mar 24, 2005; ~no glitter in the gutter~
~no twilight galaxy~; College Slice

Pththya-lyi posted:

Even so, the teacher apologized and admitted that the activity was ill-chosen.

"Yeah, um I'm sorry I made up an activity that taught kids the basics of a religion that a billion and a half people on this planet belong to. Like, so sorry. Shouldn't have done that I guess."

# ? Jan 29, 2016 22:03

Redrum and Coke: Feb 25, 2006; wAstIng 10 bUcks ON an aVaTar iS StUpid

It's amazing how ignorant people are regarding Muslims. From the idea that pretty much looking at a pig will kill them to everyone becoming a Muslim if they say magic words.

# ? Jan 29, 2016 22:11

Serperoth: Feb 21, 2013

Pththya-lyi posted:

The poo poo that Did Happen is that a teacher made a worksheet that asked students to copy a fancy calligraphic version of the Shahada (the Islamic declaration of faith) as part of her Islam unit:

In order to officially become a Muslim, you have to say the Shahada and mean it. Even so, the teacher apologized and admitted that the activity was ill-chosen. Didn't stop people from getting mad, though.

Is that the equivalent of having kids say... what? The Nicene Creed?

# ? Jan 29, 2016 22:17

Zaphod42: Sep 13, 2012; If there's anything more important than my ego around, I want it caught and shot now.

Pththya-lyi posted:

STDH: A conversation about trigger warnings was productive

Here, have some content:

E: There's a store called "Scheels" in St. Cloud, Minnesota, a city where a lot of Somali immigrants live.

>She told him he would have to put his cross under his shirt because it offended her.
Didn't happen

>He told her would not do that. Then he told her that he thought she should take her headscarf off.
Didn't happen.

>She then called for the manager. The manager came out & told the 17 yr. old to just put his cross under his shirt and everything would be fine.
Definitely didn't loving happen

>Several customers who had been in line behind him had heard the conversation & also left their carts full of items & walked out of the store!!
MAXIMUM OVERDIDN'T

There's no part of that that ever reads like something that actually happened and not a crafted story to get across a point. Solid gold.

# ? Jan 29, 2016 22:20

Jolyne Cujoh: Dec 7, 2012; It's not like I've got no worries...
But I'll be fine.

Matthew 6 has the response for people being insufferable about wearing the cross or whatever other public display of Christianity.

1 “Be careful not to practice your righteousness in front of others to be seen by them. If you do, you will have no reward from your Father in heaven.

5 “And when you pray, do not be like the hypocrites, for they love to pray standing in the synagogues and on the street corners to be seen by others. Truly I tell you, they have received their reward in full. 6 But when you pray, go into your room, close the door and pray to your Father, who is unseen. Then your Father, who sees what is done in secret, will reward you.

But of course, the sort of people who actually believe in Christian Oppression in the first world will not have their minds changed by some dumb book.

# ? Jan 29, 2016 22:36

Pththya-lyi: Nov 8, 2009; THUNDERDOME LOSER 2020

Serperoth posted:

Is that the equivalent of having kids say... what? The Nicene Creed?

I'd say the closest thing would be to copy this page by hand:

# ? Jan 29, 2016 22:39

Thin Privilege: Jul 8, 2009; IM A STUPID MORON WITH AN UGLY FACE AND A BIG BUTT AND MY BUTT SMELLS AND I LIKE TO KISS MY OWN BUTT; Gravy Boat 2k

Paladinus posted:

loving hell.

I shed tears (from laughing). ((it did happen)).

# ? Jan 29, 2016 22:42

oldpainless: Oct 30, 2009; This 📆 post brought to you by RAID💥: SHADOW LEGENDS👥.
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Just have Muslim kids write "Jesus is my savior and the son of the one true God" and call it even.

# ? Jan 29, 2016 22:43

Postal Parcel: Aug 2, 2013

GOTTA STAY FAI posted:

"Yeah, um I'm sorry I made up an activity that taught kids the basics of a religion that a billion and a half people on this planet belong to. Like, so sorry. Shouldn't have done that I guess."

You're reading this the wrong way. The Shahada is equivalent to :

oldpainless posted:

Just have Muslim kids write "Jesus is my savior and the son of the one true God" and call it even.

Would you say that a teacher telling his/her students to write that is not wrong as well?

e: To not be completely off topic:

quote:

a little back story:

my cousin's mom passed away when he was little, leaving my uncle to raise a kid all on his own (which he was not at all prepared for). the two argued all the time and when my cousin turned 18 he just took off. like, fell off the face of the earth for several years. no one knew where he was, just assume he was wandering around the country.

when he left, my uncle realized that he'd been a lovely parent and started trying to get his life in order. he quit drinking, when to a therapist, and eventually became the person i think he would have been all along if his wife hadn't passed. after a couple years, he met this woman named carrie. he immediately fell in love with her and the two married about a year after they started dating. i was never really a fan of her, but hey if she was making him happy then who am i to judge?

so it's been about six years since my cousin took off, and out of no where he calls my uncle. the two meet up and after some heartfelt apologies and manly tears, they hug it out. my cousin, who's been god knows where, moves back in with his dad and new step mom. things seemed to be going really well, until she starts acting weird around my my uncle. he feels like somethings up, but really wants to make it work.

we were on the phone the other day and he's just distraught so i asked him what happened. eventually he's telling me that she's been having an affair, and the hosed up part is it's with my cousin. stunned, i asked him how he found out.

through the tears he says "i left work early to surprise her, but that's when i walked in the house and saw CARRIE ON MY WAYWARD SONNNNNNNNNNNN"

It's actually greentext

e2:

quote:

The morning after, my husband and I went to Mimi's Cafe on The Greene. It was pretty early and he was hitting the beer. The server was sweet and asked us what was up. When we asked for the bill... we got this. I don't think she will ever know how much that small kindness meant to us.

Postal Parcel has a new favorite as of 01:54 on Jan 30, 2016

# ? Jan 30, 2016 01:44

Zaphod42: Sep 13, 2012; If there's anything more important than my ego around, I want it caught and shot now.

http://m.omeleto.com/220234/

Just got linked this on facebook, I would call it STDH but apparently there's photographic evidence tweets and a TV crew?

But the whole thing is still written in a really STDH ridiculous way, and it doesn't explain how the Indianapolis Star shows up, which sounds like a newspaper so why is there a TV camera...

Joke website? Never heard of omleto before.

# ? Jan 30, 2016 02:03

Postal Parcel: Aug 2, 2013

Zaphod42 posted:

http://m.omeleto.com/220234/

Just got linked this on facebook, I would call it STDH but apparently there's photographic evidence tweets and a TV crew?

But the whole thing is still written in a really STDH ridiculous way, and it doesn't explain how the Indianapolis Star shows up, which sounds like a newspaper so why is there a TV camera...

Joke website? Never heard of omleto before.

I don't think that's a joke website. The way the headlines read, I think it's another Upworthy, but a bit more restrained.
It's all obvious clickbait though, STDH or not.

# ? Jan 30, 2016 03:08

cash crab: Apr 5, 2015; all the time i am eating from the trashcan. the name of this trashcan is ideology

Paladinus posted:

loving hell.

I am late to the party, but this was excellent. I love your STDH readings.

# ? Jan 30, 2016 05:16

kimbo305: Jun 9, 2007; actually, yeah, I am a little mad

artsy fartsy posted:

And anyway, I think you're supposed to clutch pearls, not clasp them.

That's what makes the claspers the worst.

# ? Jan 30, 2016 05:27

scorpiobean: Dec 22, 2004; I'll have one sugar coma drink, please.

Postal Parcel posted:

e2:

Oh poo poo what's the rest of this story? I live less than 10 minutes where this supposedly took place

# ? Jan 30, 2016 07:14

Redrum and Coke: Feb 25, 2006; wAstIng 10 bUcks ON an aVaTar iS StUpid

kimbo305 posted:

That's what makes the claspers the worst.

English isn't my first language. Please don't trigger me with your racism.

# ? Jan 30, 2016 14:48

Rick_Hunter: Jan 5, 2004; My guys are still fighting the hard fight!
(weapons, shields and drones are still online!)

Zaphod42 posted:

http://m.omeleto.com/220234/

Just got linked this on facebook, I would call it STDH but apparently there's photographic evidence tweets and a TV crew?

But the whole thing is still written in a really STDH ridiculous way, and it doesn't explain how the Indianapolis Star shows up, which sounds like a newspaper so why is there a TV camera...

Joke website? Never heard of omleto before.

Omleto or not, the Star is an actual newspaper owned by Gannett and the incident actually did happen. I suspect the TV cameras were from one of the local affiliates, wish, wthr, wxin, or wrtv.

Rick_Hunter has a new favorite as of 15:42 on Jan 30, 2016

# ? Jan 30, 2016 15:39

Rick_Hunter: Jan 5, 2004; My guys are still fighting the hard fight!
(weapons, shields and drones are still online!)

Quote is not edit.

# ? Jan 30, 2016 15:41

Redrum and Coke: Feb 25, 2006; wAstIng 10 bUcks ON an aVaTar iS StUpid

Rick_Hunter posted:

Omleto or not, the Star is an actual newspaper owned by Gannett and the incident actually did happen. I suspect the TV cameras were from one of the local affiliates, wish, wthr, wxin, or wrtv.

As pointless as the story is, it's pretty cute and heartwarming :3:

Edit. OMG that site is horrible

# ? Jan 30, 2016 16:44

Khazar-khum: Oct 22, 2008; Cat Army
2nd Battalion

CMOA.

Hair.

quote:

This troper has one of her own and one of her friend
This troper used to go to an after school program to wait for her mom, who worked until 4 o'clock. (This troper will now speak in the first person). At said program I found an enemy in a girl one year younger than me. This girl and I participated in many fist fights, some won, some lost, and none that I am proud of. One day, as we were walking in single file, we had gotten into another fight. She eventually began to pull on my hair. Now my friend, who also went to the program, was in line behind this girl and was very protective her friends. She became so enraged that she grabbed the girl by her hair and threw her a good eight feet. The real kicker? My friend was in fifth grade and about a half a foot shorter than the rest of our classmates. Needless to say, the girl didn't bother me after this episode.
This troper will continue to speak in the first person. When I was a sophomore, I participated in the school play and was cast as the doctor in And Then There Were None. Most of this play took place on the stage, however falling off the stage (about 4 feet) was considered falling off of a cliff. It was the second night of the play, and we were nearing the first death, where I was supposed to check a man's vitals and then sniff the glass he was drinking out of. Unfortunately, the actor's chair was situated very close to the edge of the stage, so when he fell off the chair, his cup rolled off the stage. Cue creepy silence, as all of the actors leaned over the edge of the stage and watched the little plastic cup bounce away. All of the rest of the actors were sort of looking at me by then, and I was sorely tempted to ask one of the audience members to fetch the glass for me, but I didn't know how well that was going to work, so I slid off the stage, picked up the glass in front of the audience, sniffed, and continued my lines, timing the end of my diagnosis with returning to the body on stage perfectly. It wasn't until after the end of act one, when my fellow actors were complimenting me on my timing and my ability to jump off of a cliff, survive, and climb back up with a cup in my hand, did I realize what a CMOA it was. Of course, it was quite small compared to some of the CMOA on this page, but it made me smile the rest of the night.

Pain Level

quote:

This troper, who recently got home after curing acute appendicitis, apparently walked around with said appendicitis for four years, as the symptoms began showing four years ago when this troper was thirteen years old. Most who do not treat acute appendicitis is likely to die within in a matter of days or weeks untreated. This troper, Made Of Iron? gently caress no, this troper is GODDAMN IMMORTAL!. As icing on the cake, this troper has never broken a single bone in his body, rarely if ever gets infected by diseases and has a pain threshhold over 9000. This troper thinks a lot of it is related to his status as a Determinator worthy of Bro' Kamina himself. To compensate for it, he's the living embodiment of the Afraid Of Needles trope.

Santorum

quote:

This troper would like to think he has three:
The first involves arguing with former Pennsylvania senator Rick Santorum. I had met him while visiting Philadelphia while he was campaigning to retain his Senate seat (he ended up losing). I publicly challenged him on his stance regarding privacy, and forced him to acknowledge that since the Ninth Amendment covered unenumerated rights, it almost certainly guaranteed a right not only to privacy, but to absolute self-ownership.
The second involves a mugger on the NYC subway late at night. The guy pulled a knife on me, and stabbed my right shoulder when I refused to hand over my wallet by saying, "I have no intention of giving you my money. It's bad enough I pay taxes!" I clamped down on the pain long enough to pull the knife out of my shoulder, give the guy a Kubrick Stare over the tops of my glasses, and ask, "Did it ever occur to you that I might be left-handed?" I then drove the knife into his shoulder, broke the blade off, and got off at the next stop to get my shoulder stitched and report the incident to the NYPD.
The third involves introducing my wife to my parents. My wife is from Australia. We had met online, and spent four years talking with one another (and met in person several times) before we decided to get married. As soon as she had her visa (I had offered to emigrate to Australia, but she wanted to come to America) I introduced her to my parents. My father was friendly to her, and refrained from making his usual Archie Bunker-style jokes about dingos and babies. My mother, however, simply said, "What's wrong? Couldn't you find a nice American girl?" I just shrugged, turned to my wife, and said, "Looks like we'll be eloping. How does Vegas sound?"
(after much praise from fellow tropers:)
You guys are making me blush. I think my wife had a CMOA last night. We hang out at the local Barnes & Noble/Starbucks after work, since neither of us get any writing done at home. I had gotten there first, found a copy of Iron Man: Extremis that somebody had left on a table, and decided to check it out. As my wife approached my table, the guy sitting next to me looks at what I'm reading and says, "Dude, if you want to get a girlfriend, you have to stop reading that poo poo in public and get a haircut." Hearing this, my wife says, "If he cuts his hair, I'll kill him", before kissing me. She then sits down and says, "I spilled coffee on your copy of Watchmen, so here's a new copy." If it helps, here's a pic of me and my wife◊ together.

# ? Jan 31, 2016 00:35

Proteus Jones: Feb 28, 2013

Khazar-khum posted:

CMOA.

Hair.

Pain Level

Santorum

I'm feeling some Heisenberg Curiosity. I do and do not want to see a picture of the couple from the last STDH.

# ? Jan 31, 2016 00:41

Wanamingo: Feb 22, 2008; by FactsAreUseless

Khazar-khum posted:

Wow, he had acute appendicitis for four years? Impressive, hope he doesn't get hit with a case of sudden onset COPD next.

# ? Jan 31, 2016 00:43

goose willis: Jun 14, 2015; Get ready for teh wacky laughz0r!

Does absolutely nobody on tvtropes call these people out on their bullshit?

# ? Jan 31, 2016 00:46

sesame_samuel_: Dec 24, 2012; Pork Pro

Khazar-khum posted:

Please do not make me have traumatic flashbacks to the This Troper stuff. Thank you.

# ? Jan 31, 2016 00:46

Sentient Data: Aug 31, 2011; My molecule scrambler ray will disintegrate your armor with one blow!

STDH: This troper has the ability to consistently write in the third person

# ? Jan 31, 2016 00:59

Decrepus: May 21, 2008; In the end, his dominion did not touch a single poster.

This troper had his Crowning Moment of poo poo Posting today in this thread.

# ? Jan 31, 2016 01:02

Birb Katter: Sep 18, 2010; BOATS STOPPED
CARBON TAX AXED
TURNBULL AS PM
LIBERALS WILL BE RE-ELECTED IN A LANDSLIDE

Decrepus posted:

This troper had his Crowning Moment of poo poo Posting today in this thread.

Admitting you're a troper is the first step towards quitting.

# ? Jan 31, 2016 01:09

sweeperbravo: May 18, 2012; AUNT GWEN'S COLD SHAPE (!)

goose fleet posted:

Does absolutely nobody on tvtropes call these people out on their bullshit?

From what I remember people sometimes would try, but fell victim to Geek Social Fallacy number whatever where you're not allowed to criticize fellow geeks because that's what horrible jocks and populars do, geeks have to 100% support one another and you had better not start any drama or make anyone feel like they aren't perfect the way they are. Like someone would be like "that's not evne possible" and other people would jump to defend the OP and if it was on an actual site page it would get edited out.

# ? Jan 31, 2016 01:46

Postal Parcel: Aug 2, 2013

scorpiobean posted:

Oh poo poo what's the rest of this story? I live less than 10 minutes where this supposedly took place

The title was "Our house caught fire last Thursday..."
Unrelated, but the poster was "IalwaysladyfaptoTomHardy".

From the same page:

e2:

Postal Parcel has a new favorite as of 02:26 on Jan 31, 2016

# ? Jan 31, 2016 02:02

OldMemes: Sep 5, 2011; I have to go now. My planet needs me.

I'm struggling to imagine a human being coming up with those, thinking they sound cool, writing them out and then posting them online without cringing.

# ? Jan 31, 2016 02:11

Decrepus: May 21, 2008; In the end, his dominion did not touch a single poster.

Postal Parcel posted:

e2:

How people think life be like but it don't.jpg

# ? Jan 31, 2016 02:39

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# ? May 27, 2024 14:57

Elfgames: Sep 11, 2011; Fun Shoe

Postal Parcel posted:

From the same page:

if some doughnuts make you break into tears, that's loving soul crushingly depressing

# ? Jan 31, 2016 03:10

The Something Awful Forums > Main > Post Your Favorite: Carefully Curated > shit_that_didnt_happen.txt: TRUE WISDOM FROM WHERE YOU EXPECT IT LEAST. AMEN!

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