shit_that_didnt_happen.txt: TRUE WISDOM FROM WHERE YOU EXPECT IT LEAST. AMEN!

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SEX BURRITO: Jun 30, 2007; Not much fun

Captain Monkey posted:

That's why she stressed that her FRIEND (as if babyhavers have real friends) sat with the kid in the WAITING ROOM like it was some mortal sin that she might heave to occupy space near a child.

Surely they should be grateful that the disgusting babyhaver, or moos as I believe they call them, are now thinking of contraception? That's fewer children to compete with for the special edition Lego sets in future.

# ? Feb 25, 2016 22:30

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# ? May 24, 2024 11:35

Samizdata: May 14, 2007

NESguerilla posted:

I hope someday a random picture of me on the internet gets appropriated into a stupid image macro.

And people wonder why I so avidly avoid having my picture online...

# ? Feb 25, 2016 22:48

Samizdata: May 14, 2007

Birb Katter posted:

I have a close lady friend who uses the pill to control tumor's so I get the reasoning for why you'd use it but these guys aren't about medical reasons for it, they just think they don't want kids. I want them to put up or shut up (which isn't going to happen).

PCOS? Same with my ex-wife...

# ? Feb 25, 2016 22:51

nerox: May 20, 2001

Zelder posted:

RANT TIME

Harry Potter book release: don't worry, no spoilers.

Showed up at seven, in full costume for a nine am release. Devoted no? I was one of the few to dress up, and I was the best-dressed. I'm not being vain, I honestly had the most detailed and accurate costume there.

We were told in line, that the best-dressed person in line gets to open the box and have the first Half-Blood Prince book. So, I'm a shoo-in, aren't I?

WRONG.

loving moo brings her bratty sprog in at 8:59am dressed in a generic Kmart cape with stars and glitter and loving gaudy BLAH. Twig for a wand.

OMG WITTLE PWESHUS SO CUTE OMG YOU CAN OPEN THE BOX AND HAVE THIS BOOK YOU CAN'T READ AND *fawning fawning, blatant breederism etc*

THE loving KID WON'T EVEN REMEMBER THIS. THE BOX OPENING WAS MINE. MIIIIINE.

I wouldn't have minded if someone had said "Oh look Sass, you are best-dressed
but would you mind if this land-mine amputee opened the box instead?" I would
have said "Absolutely no problem. Go for it." But no. loving CROTCHDROPPING
GETS THE HONOUR. I'm furious. On principle of course, not out of any sense of entitlement. Well yes, entitlement also. But I WORKED FOR IT, I DESERVED IT.

I made an effort. I spent money making an effort. I showed up early. I will remember and treasure this event for ever and eternity. And I'm passed over for an ugly little brat with a sparkly tie. Woo loving woo.

I didn't stab her in the eye with my wand. I WANTED to. I talked about doing so
VERY loving LOUDLY. I was going to eviscerate her mother with the cover of my
brand-new copy.

I loving hate breeders and child-lovers. loving GO TO HELL.

I'm so pissed about this, sorry. It's just that in ten years time, this kid won't remember what she was doing on July 16th 2005. In ten years time, I will be remembering how I was deprived of this nerdly honor by an opportunistic twat breeder and her shitling. I'm hurt. All my life, nothing has gotten to me more than being deliberately ignored, or passed over. Honestly; that's the sort of thing that can make me cry in public. Or key your car. Or viciously murder you and your family in the heat of frustration and never-ending denial

Congratulations breeders, you win.

Edited to add: To all of you who are calling me immature etc, I'd like to add that you make a very good point, but have you considered GO gently caress YOURSELF? If you're so anal-retentive, go back to the other community and go on with your breeder-humping. Also, to the person who submitted this to fandom_wank, I seriously (no sarcasm) thank you. I've always wanted to be there!

Zelder's edit: well whoops i guess this poo poo probably did happen now that I re-read it, my bad

Is it really living childfree if you are a manchild?

# ? Feb 25, 2016 23:21

Hoover Dam: Jun 17, 2003; red white and blue forever

SerialKilldeer posted:

Well, does she remember? It's been over ten years!

Also, about that childfree wacko complaining about kids being brought to the sexual-health clinic-- don't most of those places also do infant/pediatric care?

Yup. Any office specializing in women's health, regardless of whether or not they provide abortion services, will provide obstetrics and early infant care, because, get this, turns out having babies is a thing many women like to do at least once.

I desperately want someone to find the originator of the Harry Potter opening story. And the kid who got to open the box.

STDH: hardcore childfree people ranting about finding kids in places people normally do not take small children--funny how it always seems to be about kids at places you would reasonably expect to find people with children. I HATE LITTLE KIDS! CLEARLY TARGET AT 1PM ON A WEEKDAY IS THE PLACE TO BE!

# ? Feb 26, 2016 00:28

veni veni veni: Jun 5, 2005

I was just thinking it would be pretty fun to make a comic out of some of these.

# ? Feb 26, 2016 01:01

screech on the beach: Mar 9, 2004

nerox posted:

Is it really living childfree if you are a manchild?

Well that was probably written by a very obese woman.

# ? Feb 26, 2016 01:02

BrigadierSensible: Feb 16, 2012; I've got a pocket full of cheese🧀, and a garden full of trees🌴.

nerox posted:

Is it really living childfree if you are a manchild?

This is the big thing about the childfree knobs. They are grown ups that are unreasonably angry that a child is getting attention. Attention that they feel they should be getting.

# ? Feb 26, 2016 01:39

SEX BURRITO: Jun 30, 2007; Not much fun

LoG posted:

Well that was probably written by a very obese woman.

I'm 100% sure that's written by an obese woman who probably wears one of those long Dr Who scarves on a daily basis.

The kid in that story will be a teenager now. Wonder if he remembers the strange lady throwing a tantrum over a child's book?

# ? Feb 26, 2016 01:47

TheMadMilkman: Dec 10, 2007

And all that over not getting the book first. Not a special edition or anything, just the one that happens to be at the top of the pile.

Absolutely pathetic, and I desperately wish it was stdh.

# ? Feb 26, 2016 01:54

DeusExMachinima: Sep 2, 2012; This poster loves police brutality, but only when its against minorities!

Put this loser on ignore immediately!

I don't know why that Harry Potter cosplayer is so mad. It sounds like the child of the story didn't get to go first.

I have no doubt this is poo poo that really did happen, for once.

# ? Feb 26, 2016 02:20

The Great Burrito: Jan 21, 2008; Is that freedom rock? Well turn it up!

There was a Something Positive strip with this exact scenario and similar wording around the same time. I wonder which inspired which haha.
fake edit: here it is http://somethingpositive.net/sp07252005.shtml

# ? Feb 26, 2016 04:17

MonoAus: Nov 5, 2012

NESguerilla posted:

I was just thinking it would be pretty fun to make a comic out of some of these.

I was going to give this a miss because I can't draw, but then I remembered most webcomic artists can't either.

# ? Feb 26, 2016 04:42

Tunicate: May 15, 2012

NESguerilla posted:

I was just thinking it would be pretty fun to make a comic out of some of these.

NAR already does, but unironically.

# ? Feb 26, 2016 04:43

MonoAus: Nov 5, 2012

Unfiltered is still a good source of garbage:

quote:

ORIGINAL STORY LINK | AUSTRALIA | UNFILTERED
Customer, standing under sign: Can you tell me where the sugar is?

Employee, pointing at the sign above his head that clearly reads, �Sugar.�

Customer: Oh�well, thanks for your help!

Employee: "gently caress! YOU'RE UNDER THE loving SIGN YOU STUPID poo poo! JUST WAIT UNTIL THE INTERNET HEARS ABOUT THIS!"

# ? Feb 26, 2016 05:29

Anil Dikshit: Apr 11, 2007

MonoAus posted:

Unfiltered is still a good source of garbage:

Employee: "gently caress! YOU'RE UNDER THE loving SIGN YOU STUPID poo poo! JUST WAIT UNTIL THE INTERNET HEARS ABOUT THIS!"

They did that poo poo in clerks, 1991-3?

# ? Feb 26, 2016 06:07

Khazar-khum: Oct 22, 2008; Cat Army
2nd Battalion

Scissors

quote:

For some reason this only happened to me in middle school 4 TIMES! First some boy in my class kept throwing paper balls at me during a test, so i hit him. thing is i had my pencil still in my hand and he was stabbed in the shoulder, he's fine though. Second some boy in my home room would'nt share the scissors during a project, so the next day i brought my own, he knocked my books off the desk every time he passed by(5Times) so i hit him, still had the scissors in my hand though, Third a boy tried to take my purse during lunch, i just kicked him in the balls and walked away, last some boy laughed at me cause i accidentally got hit in the eye, i through a empty water bottle at him. The funny thing is the only one i got suspended on was the water bottle, even though the first two "stabbings" were in the classroom in front of everyone, but to be fair i didn't mean to stab them.
But dont worry i have a particularly long fuse, unless i'm in immediate danger then i go into a blind rage where i can apparently turn into a psycho who has no sense of pain, can endure anything to hold on and continue biting/hitting my opponent, as well as endure being slammed into a table, the floor, and one really fat chick.

Balloon

quote:

This troper is the lovable fat guy. Others have described me as everybody's friend, and I can't walk down the hallway without somebody giving me a hug. I have a level of patience with people to shame Buddha, love animals, et cetera et cetera. Long story short, my personality is like Santa Claus on happy pills. I despise violence as a rule, and am mostly incapable of defending myself in a fight because I really don't like causing other people pain. However, I tend to 'soak up' other people's emotions. Imagine a baloon. This baloon starts getting filled with air. So while I'm acting just as happy as always, there's this big baloon of raw emotion deep down there somewhere. But eventually... The baloon gets too full, someone pushes me just a little too far, and it pops. If I'm lucky, it's just a sudden, rampant surge of pure happy that results in me practically glowing for a few days and making me very annoying. If not, I'll have a complete emotional breakdown and feel like crap for the next week.
Unfortunately, if I'm particularly upset over something or somebody says something snarky... I black out completely and apparently hit Berserker Rage. I don't remember anything, but according to friends I have punched holes in walls and ripped oak doors off their hinges while in this state, and then people won't look at me and I feel like crap for the next two weeks. >_<

Classic

quote:

Arguably, this Troper is probably the youngest of which who suffers from this Trope. This is practically the invisible label that's under the invisible Berserk Button of this 13-year old kid. He broke 33 pencils in his life, and had a good friend break two of those pencils because they were too hard. He even yelled at someone because that guy was the third person who asked if he could be punched for the third time, with a teacher only a mile ahead!
You want my pupils to disappear like those of Rena Ryuugu? I'd LOVE to become Solid Lead Pencil Crazy and switch from funny and all-around nice guy and go all Ryoko Asakura on you instead!
Wow, multiple Beware The Nice Ones-related tropes here. I really am a young Yandere, aren't I?

# ? Feb 26, 2016 07:00

bobjr: Oct 16, 2012; Roose is loose.
🐓🐓🐓✊🪧

https://www.reddit.com/r/childfree/comments/3520fw/bingoed_and_my_reply_will_have_swearing/

This has always been my personal favorite childfree story that didn't happen, or if it did not like this.

# ? Feb 26, 2016 07:18

davidspackage: May 16, 2007; Nap Ghost

Yeeeaaah, that's all totally cool and not indicative of serious mental problems at all. "I 'forgot' I still had scissors in my hand when I stabbedImean punched someone" and "I fly into blind rages and have no memory of them later"

# ? Feb 26, 2016 07:23

MonoAus: Nov 5, 2012

bobjr posted:

https://www.reddit.com/r/childfree/comments/3520fw/bingoed_and_my_reply_will_have_swearing/

This has always been my personal favorite childfree story that didn't happen, or if it did not like this.

Top comment:

quote:

[�]Arudinne29M | Computers > Children 118 points 9 months ago
|her to the shop owner did you hear what he just said to me
|owner yes i did and you did deserve that,
|mombie i'm never shopping here again

I'm sorry for your loss. She totally deserved that. Kudos to the shop owner for putting her in her place.

# ? Feb 26, 2016 07:58

WaltherFeng: May 15, 2013; 50 thousand people used to live here. Now, it's the Mushroom Kingdom.

MonoAus posted:

Unfiltered is still a good source of garbage:

Employee: "gently caress! YOU'RE UNDER THE loving SIGN YOU STUPID poo poo! JUST WAIT UNTIL THE INTERNET HEARS ABOUT THIS!"

This is the kind of situation where a normal person would exchange a few laughs with the customer and wish them a pleasant day.

# ? Feb 26, 2016 10:18

SEX BURRITO: Jun 30, 2007; Not much fun

https://www.reddit.com/r/pettyrevenge/ is full of STDH and passive agressive crap where the 'victim' probably doesn't even realise some nerd is obsessing about them.

quote:

Basically worked with a lady who was jealous of my position and the fact that I was friends with my boss. She was so horrible and stressed me out so bad that I would sit and fantasize about how to exact petty revenge.
Several times she was frantically looking for a file, I knew where it was, I kept quiet. It made me so happy.
Once she falsely accused me of sabotaging her work. I just shrugged and said to write down her complaint and take it to the boss. This enraged her. I also pretended to be completely oblivious to the fact that she hated me. I brought her McDonald's breakfast and coffee on several occasions. This enraged her.
She didn't know it but I was totally stressed out from her passive aggressive slamming of charts and constant huffing, false accusations and drama.
My ultimate revenge......I stopped wearing deodorant to work. She couldn't complain because my boss didn't wear it ever. I guess deodorant isn't a thing where he's from. Every time she talked to me or had a problem, I leaned in real close and smiled.

# ? Feb 26, 2016 11:10

System Metternich: Feb 28, 2010; But what did he mean by that?

I can totally believe that though (with the addendum that he probably never wore any to begin with)

# ? Feb 26, 2016 11:27

sweeperbravo: May 18, 2012; AUNT GWEN'S COLD SHAPE (!)

I made myself smell horrible because that will exact revenge and unpleasantness only on the person I dislike, and won't at all make me look super gross & disgusting to everyoen else as well

# ? Feb 26, 2016 13:08

GOTTA STAY FAI: Mar 24, 2005; ~no glitter in the gutter~
~no twilight galaxy~; College Slice

sweeperbravo posted:

make me look super gross & disgusting to everyoen else as well

Something tells me this was already locked down before the deodorant use stopped

# ? Feb 26, 2016 14:31

Proteus Jones: Feb 28, 2013

bobjr posted:

https://www.reddit.com/r/childfree/comments/3520fw/bingoed_and_my_reply_will_have_swearing/

This has always been my personal favorite childfree story that didn't happen, or if it did not like this.

quote:

"CHILDFREE IS THE WORST THING EVER. LET'S SHOW THEM!"
Get the gently caress out of our safe space, you cunts.

Hahahahaha

# ? Feb 26, 2016 15:45

effervescible: Jun 29, 2012; i will eat your soul

The Great Burrito posted:

There was a Something Positive strip with this exact scenario and similar wording around the same time. I wonder which inspired which haha.
fake edit: here it is http://somethingpositive.net/sp07252005.shtml

The story came first. It was posted to one of the LiveJournal child free communities (they had both regular flavor and EXTRA HARDCORE) and I remember it getting linked around after it was posted.

# ? Feb 26, 2016 17:24

veni veni veni: Jun 5, 2005

Anyone else ever notice the totally gratuitous use of the word "loving" and "gently caress" in almost every stdh.txt?

# ? Feb 26, 2016 20:56

Proteus Jones: Feb 28, 2013

NESguerilla posted:

Anyone else ever notice the totally gratuitous use of the word "loving" and "gently caress" in almost every stdh.txt?

It's shows how hard they are. You better watch out, they'll mess you up!

# ? Feb 26, 2016 20:59

Thin Privilege: Jul 8, 2009; IM A STUPID MORON WITH AN UGLY FACE AND A BIG BUTT AND MY BUTT SMELLS AND I LIKE TO KISS MY OWN BUTT; Gravy Boat 2k

But what about meeeeee

quote:

Self-indulgent 'need to let off steam' post... sorry!

So a friend is visiting town this weekend, having moved away two years ago. It's the first time I've seen her in a year, and since then I've gotten engaged, which is obviously a really happy life event for me. Since then another mutual friend has gotten pregnant, which is obviously a really happy life event for her. Fair enough. The three of us just met for lunch and the entire lunch was spent gushing about the baby and nobody even mentioned my engagement never mind asked me about our wedding plans etc. etc. Normally this would make me angry, but I just feel really deflated and sad. Is my happy life event not worth celebrating, too? Do I have to pop out a kid before I'm worthy of any celebration?

How much $ do you want to bet they did actually congratulate her/him on their engagement? What is there to even talk about regarding an engagement? Spending a lot of money?

quote:

At my local supermarket, the parking spaces at the front of the store are marked for disabled drivers and parents with strollers. There's about 5 disabled spots and 2 stroller spots. Generally the majority of the public leaves the disability spaces alone (the area is full of retirees), and I've never heard of any issues. I sometimes use the stroller spaces because I have arthritis and fibro. I can walk, but some days are just really rough.

After getting my groceries today and leaving the store, I come out to an argument between an elderly driver with disabled tags, and a cum fermenter slowly loading her minivan with her groceries and twatmuffins. The stroller spaces were all occupied, so mombie put her minivan in the last disabled spot.

I only caught the tail end of the conversation, but the disabled driver told the mombie that she shouldn't take up disabled spaces because it's not fair to those who genuinely need them. A quick glance in her car and I spotted a walking frame.

The mombie replied back "What can I do? They're BABIES."

Okay - they're babies. And? They're seated in strollers, they don't need to do anything. If I can walk to my car with a very heavy limp, you can push your crotchlings an extra 30ft. The disabled driver scoffed and found another spot, and a second disabled driver rolls up in his car.

He took my spot, and as I drove past the minivan, I loudly commented that children were not a loving disability. The doors were open. Teehee.

The classic "this note was left on my car"

Bolded part probably does happen:

quote:

I also am CF & go out of my way to park in these spots.

A lady tried to call me out on it once (to my face) and I replied "Oh don't worry I have 5 kids at home". She tried to explain that the children had to be with you, I kindly told her the sign makes no mention of that and left her with a confused look on her face.

Passive-Agressive STDH

quote:

Basically, my husband I live in an upscale neighborhood absolutely infested with unruly, entitled, monstrously misbehaved children. The text of the letter explains what we've been dealing with and I knew that you guys would understand.

It's only this polite because I don't want to start WWIII with the entire neighborhood, most of whom are total mombies that believe their precious angels could never do a speck of harm:

Dear Neighbors,

My name is XXXXXX and I live at XXXXXXXXXXXXX, next to XXXX, XXXX, XXXX, and family. My husband, XXXX, and I love living here and have a lot of respect for our beautiful neighborhood and the kindness of all of our neighbors.

Unfortunately, we have experienced ongoing issues with some of the children of the neighborhood and wanted to bring these issues to your collective attention in hopes that we can resolve these issues amicably. I�m dropping this letter in the mailboxes of multiple houses, not because I am blaming or accusing any particular children, but because I do not know how else to contact the parents of all of the children potentially involved.

On Wednesday, 2/24/16, some of the children came onto our property and vandalized my vehicle, which was parked in the driveway, by tying it up with fishing line. I also noticed a new scratch in the driver�s side door that was not there when I parked and locked the car shortly after 5 PM on 2/24. This incident combined with many others has spurred me to write to you and ask for your help in making sure that this harassment stops immediately.

Here is a list of some of the things I have heard the neighborhood children say or seen them do over the past several months, just in the brief window of time when I arrive home from work while they are playing in the street, or early in the morning as I leave the house to go to work:

-Many of the children attempt to jump onto, lunge in front of, or otherwise block my car when I pull onto the street to make it difficult for me to safely park my car. I really worry for their safety because while I am a slow and conscientious driver, many other drivers are not, and the children are putting themselves in danger by behaving recklessly around moving vehicles.
-Some of the children regularly litter on our property, tossing empty juice pouches, snack wrappers, and candy bags into our bushes or onto our front lawn.
-Many of the children regularly shout profanity at us.
-One boy walked a dog up our driveway, onto our front walkway that leads to our front door, and let the dog defecate outside of our bedroom window.
-One boy exposed his genitalia to me (�flashed� me) as I got out of my car and made humping motions in the air, yelling obscenities across the street at me.
-Several boys threatened my husband, our dog, and me on multiple occasions with toy guns that were capable of shooting real projectiles. On a few of these occasions, masks were worn and the children jumped out of bushes to try to scare us.

I hope that after reading this summary of recent issues, you will understand why I felt it necessary to write this letter and ask for your help in stopping this behavior. Please know that I am not blaming any specific children for the vehicle vandalism or the various incidents listed above, and that I do not wish to escalate this issue any further than this letter. I simply hope that you will consider speaking to your children and letting them know why the behaviors detailed above are not only wrong, but in some cases illegal.

Thank you very much in advance for your help and understanding. Please don�t hesitate to contact me at ###.###.#### if you have any questions or would like to discuss this matter further.

Sincerely,

XXXXXXXX

Did happen probably, and they're going to end up baby-crazy soon:

quote:

After a long talk last night with my Husband we came to the conclusion that we will keep this child. It was to late for an abortion and my husband doesn't feel right about adoption since we are financially stable and he's about to get a promotion at his job. This wasn't the life we wanted but we're going to make the best out of it. I know I'm probably going to get down voted for my decision

# ? Feb 26, 2016 21:57

A Classy Ghost: Jul 21, 2003; this wine has a fantastic booquet

Do they hate their parents for giving birth to them?

# ? Feb 27, 2016 01:00

Zamboni Rodeo: Jul 19, 2007; NEVER play "Lady of Spain" AGAIN!

Thin Privilege posted:

But what about meeeeee

quote:
At my local supermarket, the parking spaces at the front of the store are marked for disabled drivers and parents with strollers. There's about 5 disabled spots and 2 stroller spots. Generally the majority of the public leaves the disability spaces alone (the area is full of retirees), and I've never heard of any issues. I sometimes use the stroller spaces because I have arthritis and fibro. I can walk, but some days are just really rough.

After getting my groceries today and leaving the store, I come out to an argument between an elderly driver with disabled tags, and a cum fermenter slowly loading her minivan with her groceries and twatmuffins. The stroller spaces were all occupied, so mombie put her minivan in the last disabled spot.

I only caught the tail end of the conversation, but the disabled driver told the mombie that she shouldn't take up disabled spaces because it's not fair to those who genuinely need them. A quick glance in her car and I spotted a walking frame.

The mombie replied back "What can I do? They're BABIES."

Okay - they're babies. And? They're seated in strollers, they don't need to do anything. If I can walk to my car with a very heavy limp, you can push your crotchlings an extra 30ft. The disabled driver scoffed and found another spot, and a second disabled driver rolls up in his car.

He took my spot, and as I drove past the minivan, I loudly commented that children were not a loving disability. The doors were open. Teehee.

Bolding mine. This one in particular irks me because this person freely admits to using a space not reserved for them, but then complains about the so-called "cum fermenter" doing the same thing.

# ? Feb 27, 2016 01:12

walrusman: Aug 4, 2006

Childfree assholes are second only to the This Is Thin Privilege (and whatever the backlash movement was - r/FatPeopleStories or something like that?) in terms of blindly hating complete strangers. They're no different from any internet echo chamber, I guess, except that the core of their beliefs is so negative that they end up nasty and vitriolic. Wouldn't your life be better if you chilled the gently caress out once in a while?

# ? Feb 27, 2016 01:52

TheMadMilkman: Dec 10, 2007

I mean, how do you hate kids? Everything is new and amazing to them, and you can completely blow their minds with simple factoids. Children have the kind of excitement for life that most adults wish for.

Get annoyed with them at times? We all do. Completely hate them? Just weird.

# ? Feb 27, 2016 02:09

SEX BURRITO: Jun 30, 2007; Not much fun

Does every fucker on the internet have fibromyalgia now? It's like a 'win an internet argument free card'. "Yeah I park in disabled spots, but I have fibromyalgia." "I can't leave the house and exercise, I have fibromyalgia." I know people who have genuinely been diagnosed with the condition and they aren't wasting their pain free times posting stupid stories.

# ? Feb 27, 2016 02:40

CROWS EVERYWHERE: Dec 17, 2012; CAW CAW CAW; Dinosaur Gum

SEX BURRITO posted:

Does every fucker on the internet have fibromyalgia now? It's like a 'win an internet argument free card'. "Yeah I park in disabled spots, but I have fibromyalgia." "I can't leave the house and exercise, I have fibromyalgia." I know people who have genuinely been diagnosed with the condition and they aren't wasting their pain free times posting stupid stories.

Because there's so little known about it and what causes it (and it's a good excuse for getting out of... everything), it's very frequently self-diagnosed.

# ? Feb 27, 2016 04:02

hyperhazard: Dec 4, 2011; I am the one lascivious
With magic potion niveous

Thin Privilege posted:

cum fermenter

mombie

I feel like a lot of rabid CF people are just looking for ways to say "gently caress women" without being called misogynistic. Which is weird, because there are plenty of women who are Childfree (TM).

# ? Feb 27, 2016 04:17

LITERALLY A BIRD: Sep 27, 2008; I knew you were trouble
when you flew in

Khazar-khum posted:

Scissors

Balloon

Classic

Your posts are great.

# ? Feb 27, 2016 04:21

oldpainless: Oct 30, 2009; This 📆 post brought to you by RAID💥: SHADOW LEGENDS👥.
RAID💥: SHADOW LEGENDS 👥 - It's for your phone📲^TM� #ad📢

Went to a snack shop with family tonight and had a 2 yo and a 4 yo and a 7 yo, all girls, who spent the night making me hold hands and skip in a circle and then I had to carry the two younger ones home at the same time while the 7 yo head butted me in the kidneys as hard as she could the entire time

What im saying here is kids are great

# ? Feb 27, 2016 04:38

Adbot: ADBOT LOVES YOU

# ? May 24, 2024 11:35

Tunicate: May 15, 2012

Witches are among us

quote:

Being Nice Isn�t In Her �Lexi�-con
Vet | FL, USA | Bad Behavior, Pets & Animals, Popular

(I work at a local veterinarian office as a part time handler and assistant. On one of my days off I bring my own dog in to get her checked. It is fairly crowded, so I take my dog over to an unoccupied corner to wait. A few minutes later a woman comes in literally dragging a young Boxer puppy through the door on a choke chain.)

Woman: *stomps up to the counter* �There�s something wrong with my dog!�

Tech: �I�m sorry to hear that! Can I get your name and some information on your little pup there?�

Woman: *yanks on leash, making the pup yelp* �It won�t listen to me! I�m doing all the d*** commands that your trainer told me to, and it won�t do s***! I�m using your advice, so fix it!�

Tech: �Ma�am, please don�t use that language. Can you tell me your puppy�s name?�

Woman: �Lexi. It won�t even walk right! How the h*** am I supposed to breed this b**** if it can�t learn simple s*** like this?!�

(At this point the poor pup�s eyes are bulging out and she is panting very roughly as the woman waves her arms around and yanks on the lead. I�m not much a fan of people breeding dogs, period, but this woman�s total lack of concern for her pup is setting off all sorts of alarm bells for me. I hang my dog�s leash on one of the provided hooks, give her a �stay� gesture, and quickly go over to help.)

Tech: *looking distressed at the swearing* �Oh! Ma�am, if you need help with dog behavior, this young woman can help you. She�s an off duty handler and one of our best.� *looks to me expectantly* Do you think you can work your magic?�

Me: *gives enraged woman a dead stare* �Not on this b****.�

Woman: �I told you! I don�t need some f****** hippie kid to train my dog! It obviously has something wrong in the head!�

Me: *points to leash* �May I?� *I take the leash without waiting and then plop down on the ground to loosen the chain so that the puppy can breathe* �Hey there lil� Lexi. Man, that must have been scary. So many new sights and smells and noises! New people and even new, bigger versions of you! I�d be peeing myself, seriously.�

Woman: �What the f*** are you doing?!�

Me: *rubbing the now much more receptive pup on the head* �I�m training her. Now, Lexi, sweetie. I know this big mean b**** has been bad. But I can�t whack her with a newspaper, so let�s set her right, huh? Now, I know that having something around your neck is really scary. But if we don�t do this, then the person with you might get lost and losing your human is punishable by a fine. So do you think you want to try walking with me for a minute?�

(I make a show to the pup of loosening her chain and going into a crouch. Lexi also stands up from her sit and looks at me.)

Me: �All right! Let�s go!�

(I pop up and walk a few steps. Little Lexi stays right next to me and we do a circuit of the waiting room. I give her praise and encourage her to �show off to the big guys� as we go past the other dogs. We come around to my dog, who sniffs the newcomer then goes back to lounging, disinterested. Seeing that they have no issue with each other, I hang the pup�s leash up with my dog�s and go back to the counter.)

Me: �And that is why you ask nicely.�

Woman: �You�re a witch!�

(The woman started screaming profanities at how I �hexed� her dog. The lead vet came out at the commotion and after we explained the situation, she threw the woman out and reported her to the police. When we looked at the security tapes from outside we saw her kick the poor pup when it wouldn�t move from her car, and she was later arrested for animal abuse. My dad�s girlfriend agreed to raise lil� Lexi and she is now a very happy, sweet dog with no issues on a leash.)

# ? Feb 27, 2016 08:06

The Something Awful Forums > Main > Post Your Favorite: Carefully Curated > shit_that_didnt_happen.txt: TRUE WISDOM FROM WHERE YOU EXPECT IT LEAST. AMEN!

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