saw this brand of chocolate in the store

The Something Awful Forums > Archives > Comedy Goldmine > BYOB Goldmine: Gold Mango > saw this brand of chocolate in the store

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misty mountaintop: by Hand Knit

He called the chocolate "chocolonely." He's a lonely man and his name is Tony. He wants you to be all alone in the world.

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# ? Mar 29, 2016 00:50

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# ? May 1, 2024 07:51

joke_explainer

Piso Mojado posted:

no, because it makes ppl think that they are actually helping slave children when in reality it doesnt on any significant level and anesyhtizes you from actually doing something impactful instead of just eating chocolate.

You're wrong. I mean, if I go to the store and I'm going to buy chocolate, and I buy from someone who I can verify through third parties is actually paying a fair wage for his cocoa beans, that is a better outcome for one group of people than purposefully giving money to someone utilizing slave labor. The farmers that get handed money on the spot for their cocoa pods in the these farms are factually better off than they'd be otherwise. No amount of moralizing about this actually being no good because you want to keep justifying your consumption of slave chocolate is going to put money in the hands of those farmers.

The fact is that people are going to buy chocolate and attacking things like this just because it doesn't solve the problem entirely is just stupid. You want everyone to just stop buying chocolate entirely to fix the problem? Ok, but it's not going to happen, so if we can't have a perfect solution a fair trade solution is a much better one.

It's easy for you to sit there and say it does nothing without even bothering to research what they do at all. Hope you are feeling good and superior now that you're refused any possible way to improve the situation.

Seriously, what do you think should be done? Do you think all fair trade production policies should be abolished, that they literally do more harm than good? I don't see how third party verified fair rates for labor can possibly be a bad thing -- it's way better than the alternative, just rampantly abused third world labor. Should just no chocolate be shipped anywhere outside of where it grows naturally? What's your solution?

# ? Mar 29, 2016 00:53

misty mountaintop: by Hand Knit

Greetings, Golden Ticket Winners, and welcome to Tony's Chocolonely Factory. Come see the wonders of my river. It's just a regular river with no chocolate in it. And here are some squirrels. They're just normal squirrels. And this is my television. It's a smart TV. My Netflix account is useless because there aren't any good movies. Here are my workers. They're normal people and they don't dance or sing. They don't know poo poo about making chocolate either. At night they go home to their loveless marriages and weep.

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# ? Mar 29, 2016 00:55

joke_explainer

I love how easy it is for people to poo poo on people honestly just trying to make the world a better place. People in the first world love to attack anyone who would dare want to make poo poo better for the third world, call them disingenuous. It's a great way to divert any feeling of shame for not bothering to donate to charity nor be more conscious with their conspicuous consumption. 'Lol fair trade is meaningless so I don't have to feel bad about my j. crew clothes or slave chocolate or the crushingly unequal rare earth metals industry that is in literally every device I use to talk to the internet'

# ? Mar 29, 2016 01:00

joke_explainer

A lot of people aren't even aware of the problem of labor in the chocolate industry. These bars are both fair trade and educational. I can't see anything bad about that. If capitalism drives somebody to stop buying $2.50 chocolate bars because they feel ashamed of abusing the third world, then that is good. I don't get how any of you can sit there and be like 'NO. THIS IS ACTUALLY BAD. I DON'T WANT THE PRODUCERS OF COCOA AT ABOCFA AND ECOOKIM TO MAKE ANY MONEY FOR THEIR COCOA. I HATE FAIR TRADE, IT'S MEANINGLESS.'

# ? Mar 29, 2016 01:09

Twerkteam Pizza

playground tough posted:

ravioli ravioli give me the chocolonely

# ? Mar 29, 2016 01:21

Twerkteam Pizza

joke_explainer posted:

A lot of people aren't even aware of the problem of labor in the chocolate industry. These bars are both fair trade and educational. I can't see anything bad about that. If capitalism drives somebody to stop buying $2.50 chocolate bars because they feel ashamed of abusing the third world, then that is good. I don't get how any of you can sit there and be like 'NO. THIS IS ACTUALLY BAD. I DON'T WANT THE PRODUCERS OF COCOA AT ABOCFA AND ECOOKIM TO MAKE ANY MONEY FOR THEIR COCOA. I HATE FAIR TRADE, IT'S MEANINGLESS.'

# ? Mar 29, 2016 01:23

misty mountaintop: by Hand Knit

joke_explainer posted:

A lot of people aren't even aware of the problem of labor in the chocolate industry. These bars are both fair trade and educational. I can't see anything bad about that. If capitalism drives somebody to stop buying $2.50 chocolate bars because they feel ashamed of abusing the third world, then that is good. I don't get how any of you can sit there and be like 'NO. THIS IS ACTUALLY BAD. I DON'T WANT THE PRODUCERS OF COCOA AT ABOCFA AND ECOOKIM TO MAKE ANY MONEY FOR THEIR COCOA. I HATE FAIR TRADE, IT'S MEANINGLESS.'

Dude...chilll...and hit this:

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# ? Mar 29, 2016 01:49

drilldo squirt: a beautiful, soft meat sack

no they will not posted:

unequally divided

Hey folks it's me Tony. Yeah haha the guy from the front of the wrapper, it's hosed up I know but here I am. Just popping in on the back of my chocolate bar wrapper to say: "Hey - isn't it weird that chocolate is so sweet and tasty when there is no more bitter a taste than that of unfair trade practices in the third world?" That's why I've made my chocolate bar as lovely and hosed up as the world we live in today. Just try and break off a square of this piece of poo poo stained glass window rear end bar. I bet you can't but try anyway you stupid mother fucker. -Tony

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# ? Mar 29, 2016 01:55

Piso Mojado

no they will not posted:

unequally divided

Hey folks it's me Tony. Yeah haha the guy from the front of the wrapper, it's hosed up I know but here I am. Just popping in on the back of my chocolate bar wrapper to say: "Hey - isn't it weird that chocolate is so sweet and tasty when there is no more bitter a taste than that of unfair trade practices in the third world?" That's why I've made my chocolate bar as lovely and hosed up as the world we live in today. Just try and break off a square of this piece of poo poo stained glass window rear end bar. I bet you can't but try anyway you stupid mother fucker. -Tony

# ? Mar 29, 2016 02:32

yeah actually they will

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wKaNbK19E4I
This video but he's saying tony's chocolonely

# ? Mar 29, 2016 02:42

MrWillsauce

playground tough posted:

ravioli ravioli give me the chocolonely

# ? Mar 29, 2016 02:48

Piso Mojado

joke_explainer posted:

You're wrong. I mean, if I go to the store and I'm going to buy chocolate, and I buy from someone who I can verify through third parties is actually paying a fair wage for his cocoa beans, that is a better outcome for one group of people than purposefully giving money to someone utilizing slave labor. The farmers that get handed money on the spot for their cocoa pods in the these farms are factually better off than they'd be otherwise. No amount of moralizing about this actually being no good because you want to keep justifying your consumption of slave chocolate is going to put money in the hands of those farmers.

The fact is that people are going to buy chocolate and attacking things like this just because it doesn't solve the problem entirely is just stupid. You want everyone to just stop buying chocolate entirely to fix the problem? Ok, but it's not going to happen, so if we can't have a perfect solution a fair trade solution is a much better one.

It's easy for you to sit there and say it does nothing without even bothering to research what they do at all. Hope you are feeling good and superior now that you're refused any possible way to improve the situation.

Seriously, what do you think should be done? Do you think all fair trade production policies should be abolished, that they literally do more harm than good? I don't see how third party verified fair rates for labor can possibly be a bad thing -- it's way better than the alternative, just rampantly abused third world labor. Should just no chocolate be shipped anywhere outside of where it grows naturally? What's your solution?

it's a candy bar dude.

Piso Mojado fucked around with this message at 05:25 on Mar 29, 2016

# ? Mar 29, 2016 05:09

joke_explainer

Piso Mojado posted:

it's a candy bar dude.

It's a product. If marketing can offset some of the suffering in creating the product, creating a more equitable situation, I think that is a good thing. I don't care if it makes some yuppie happier or lets him or her feel like he's doing good in the world when he's just spending more cash, if the people on the bottom rung are getting a much more fair share of the pie, it's still better.

If you can prey on the emotions of the rich to end up with a more equitable distribution of wealth, that's a good thing. If we can't abolish capitalism, fair trade is a better stopgap measure than doing nothing.

# ? Mar 29, 2016 06:51

mags: I am a congenital optimist.

This was an easy meltdown bar

# ? Mar 29, 2016 12:57

mags: I am a congenital optimist.

No, wait, let me try again

# ? Mar 29, 2016 12:57

mags: I am a congenital optimist.

Meltdown in your mouth, not in your hand

# ? Mar 29, 2016 12:58

mags: I am a congenital optimist.

drat. Ok. The joke was that chocolate melts easily and meltdowns have the word "melt" in it. If someone wants to do a better job, I think this joke has potential, so feel free.

# ? Mar 29, 2016 14:17

alnilam

Just like my mom always said, if you can't achieve complete, global, and immediate victory for a cause, don't bother doing anything at all

# ? Mar 29, 2016 15:58

alnilam

mister magpie posted:

drat. Ok. The joke was that chocolate melts easily and meltdowns have the word "melt" in it. If someone wants to do a better job, I think this joke has potential, so feel free.

Another thing to consider in this joke is that it's best to melt chocolate in a double boiler, so that you don't scorch it

# ? Mar 29, 2016 15:59

alnilam

you might say this thread is like a double boiler in which chocolate (representing the op) is melting (down) :roflolmao:

# ? Mar 29, 2016 16:05

FutonForensic

hey guys. this be Toby from Toblerone. just wanna say thanks for buying my hosed-up pyramid chocolate

# ? Mar 29, 2016 16:07

mags: I am a congenital optimist.

alnilam posted:

you might say this thread is like a double boiler in which chocolate (representing the op) is melting (down)

Hmm, yes. Very nice.

# ? Mar 29, 2016 16:11

mags: I am a congenital optimist.

Do you think we can work a chocolate fountain into this joke?

# ? Mar 29, 2016 16:56

playground tough

for real though that thing looks annoying as gently caress to break into smaller pieces... like first of all where do you start? probably a corner is best. second, you can bet ur rear end you're gonna get chocolate from extra sections when trying to achieve a clean break.

In conclusion, I'm gonna have to give ol' boney tony's chocolate a 3/10 on portion rational.

# ? Mar 29, 2016 17:06

Luvcow: One day nearer spring

I hope that tony's success isn't putting more stress on the slave farms

:ohdear:

# ? Mar 29, 2016 17:10

FutonForensic

Tony tried his best to fix the system. Now it's time for more drastic measures *cocks a Magnum� Ice Cream Bar*

# ? Mar 29, 2016 17:29

Robot Made of Meat

alnilam posted:

Just like my mom always said, if you can't achieve complete, global, and immediate victory for a cause, don't bother doing anything at all

Thanks to Manifisto for the sig!

# ? Mar 29, 2016 17:53

the unabonger

alnilam posted:

Just like my mom always said, if you can't achieve complete, global, and immediate victory for a cause, don't bother doing anything at all

# ? Mar 29, 2016 17:56

bare bottom pancakes: Production: Complete

Piso Mojado posted:

unfortunately, im a slave to a long family history of heart disease and adult onset diabetes, so I wont be purchasing this product and will probably eat a piece of fruit instead.

Same except for the part where you won't be eating the chocolate. I have already excepted my fate and will do my part to end slavrey by eating this chocolonely.

# ? Mar 29, 2016 18:33

bare bottom pancakes: Production: Complete

alnilam posted:

Just like my mom always said, if you can't achieve complete, global, and immediate victory for a cause, don't bother doing anything at all

# ? Mar 29, 2016 18:34

misty mountaintop: by Hand Knit

Nobody made him name the bar "Chocolonely." He did that his own drat self. Nobody held a gun to his head. He was just sitting there one day and thought to himself "I want people to associate my chocolate bar with loneliness."

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# ? Mar 29, 2016 20:04

misty mountaintop: by Hand Knit

I, Tony, being of sound mind, want you to think of painful social isolation and despair whenever you think of my chocolate. My ideal consumer is a woman or man who has been abandoned by their friends and family, probably forever. My marketing strategy will be to place my chocolate bar on a desert island and sink passing ships with my submarine.

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# ? Mar 29, 2016 20:07

alnilam

misty mountaintop posted:

I, Tony, being of sound mind, want you to think of painful social isolation and despair whenever you think of my chocolate. My ideal consumer is a woman or man who has been abandoned by their friends and family, probably forever. My marketing strategy will be to place my chocolate bar on a desert island and sink passing ships with my submarine.

# ? Mar 29, 2016 20:51

DeepQantas: Ah, to be a Hero... Keeping such company...

I wear seat belt on the bus and take my cigarette butts to the trash/tray even if the ground is already littered. Ok yea, sometimes I slip up for the sake of convenience, but no longer for the sake of herd mentality.

This chocolate sounds like the perfect addition to my rebellion against the small apathies.

Plus the weird design tickles my spergsibilities...

# ? Mar 29, 2016 21:07

DeepQantas: Ah, to be a Hero... Keeping such company...

I may die alone, but at least I'll take Chocolonely with me!

# ? Mar 29, 2016 21:10

Chibi Peppers

misty mountaintop posted:

Nobody made him name the bar "Chocolonely." He did that his own drat self. Nobody held a gun to his head. He was just sitting there one day and thought to himself "I want people to associate my chocolate bar with loneliness."

or colon, which is even worse

# ? Mar 29, 2016 21:49

DeepQantas: Ah, to be a Hero... Keeping such company...

His child soldier awareness snack is called Chocolonel

# ? Mar 29, 2016 22:17

the unabonger

misty mountaintop posted:

I, Tony, being of sound mind, want you to think of painful social isolation and despair whenever you think of my chocolate. My ideal consumer is a woman or man who has been abandoned by their friends and family, probably forever. My marketing strategy will be to place my chocolate bar on a desert island and sink passing ships with my submarine.

lol

# ? Mar 29, 2016 22:21

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# ? May 1, 2024 07:51

google THIS

chocalone we can do chocolittle, but chocether we can chocochange the world: special dark

# ? Mar 30, 2016 01:16

The Something Awful Forums > Archives > Comedy Goldmine > BYOB Goldmine: Gold Mango > saw this brand of chocolate in the store

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