post the most worthless kickstarters and greatest investor rewards you got

The Something Awful Forums > Discussion > Serious Hardware/Software Crap > YOSPOS > post the most worthless kickstarters and greatest investor rewards you got

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maniacdevnull: Apr 18, 2007; FOUR CUBIC FRAMES
DISPROVES SOFT G GOD
YOU ARE EDUCATED STUPID

Jonny 290 posted:

Allllllll that smug oval office CEO needs to do is to get enough a: investor cash to live large and b: get enough distance between his name and the eventual failure of the business that he can say he "founded a startup, oh but its rude to talk about a startup's failure". Then he'll go on to the next, bigger thing.

That's all he cares about. They don't think this poo poo's going to work. They think that some liberal piece of trash Bay/Front Range millionaires that think people change their own tires because there isn't yet an app for it are gonna adjust their lesbian glasses and clasp their hands together and throw them a bunch of money.

thats all startups tho???

but yeah keurig blender is a dumb idea

# ? Apr 3, 2016 04:20

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# ? May 23, 2024 17:11

anthonypants: May 6, 2007; by Nyc_Tattoo; Dinosaur Gum

Citizen Tayne posted:

Someone said that they raised $200m so I guess it worked.

from such reputable brands as google ventures and campbell soup

also from that article: "Mr. Evans created a miniaturized version of the industrial juice presses he had used at Organic Avenue, a juice chain he developed that ultimately failed."

actually god drat that nyt article has a ton of choice quotes

quote:

Nearly as unlikely as Juicero itself is the man behind it. Mr. Evans trained as an Army paratrooper before joining a graphic design firm. His love affair with juice began in 1999, when he met Denise Mari, a vegan, at a nightclub. Soon he was dating Ms. Mari and converted to veganism, too.

Hoping to create an eatery compatible with their strict dietary regimen, Mr. Evans and Ms. Mari bought some industrial-strength juicers and developed Organic Avenue, which sold $10 bottles of cold-pressed, unpasteurized juice and other vegan snacks.

�It was a vision of a restaurant someone could go to where no animals were harmed, and no humans were harmed,� he said. �It was so magical to be able to have that. I was drinking several glasses of juice a day as my primary form of hydration.�

After the first store opened in 2006, the business grew quickly. But margins were persistently thin. New York real estate is expensive, and the inventory was perishable.

�We were on the brink of insolvency,� Mr. Evans said.

In 2012, Mr. Evans and Ms. Mari, who are separated but remain friends, sold a majority interest in Organic Avenue to a private equity firm. Shortly after that, both were ousted. (The company was eventually sold to another private equity firm, which shuttered all the stores.)

Upon being fired, Mr. Evans said, he had a problem. �For me, I was just wondering: How am I going to get my juice?� he said.

He bought every juicer he could find, but he was never satisfied. �It didn�t have the magic that I was accustomed to.�

So he resolved to create a miniaturized version of the industrial presses he had used at Organic Avenue. Working with freelance welders and machinists, he built prototypes in his Brooklyn kitchen. By 2013, he had a working model, albeit one that occasionally blew apart, sending pieces of metal and food scraps flying across the room.

anthonypants fucked around with this message at 04:23 on Apr 3, 2016

# ? Apr 3, 2016 04:20

Jonny 290: May 5, 2005; [ASK] me about OS/2 Warp

a more subtle angle on the weird tech bubble is that some nerds are now passing through food service, not realizing that the entirety of food service problems are social problems, and providing technical solutions because they're the baby genius
its incredibly textbook

# ? Apr 3, 2016 04:30

Pittsburgh Fentanyl Cloud: Apr 7, 2003

It's incredible how easy it is to take money from the Smartest People in the Room.

# ? Apr 3, 2016 04:36

ahmeni: May 1, 2005; It's one continuous form where hardware and software function in perfect unison, creating a new generation of iPhone that's better by any measure.; Grimey Drawer

Jonny 290 posted:

this is beyond trash. this is the worst of every aspect of "internet of things" that we've been crowing like cassandra about. And I say that being a former smoker that quit with, and continues to use, an e-cig with DRM.

lol switching to an ecig is not quitting smoking

# ? Apr 3, 2016 06:13

Jonny 290: May 5, 2005; [ASK] me about OS/2 Warp

ahmeni posted:

lol switching to an ecig is not quitting smoking

you can say whatever you want, and i'll know how much better i feel

also, gently caress you for being the dick that actually pipes up with this.

# ? Apr 3, 2016 06:15

ahmeni: May 1, 2005; It's one continuous form where hardware and software function in perfect unison, creating a new generation of iPhone that's better by any measure.; Grimey Drawer

Jonny 290 posted:

you can say whatever you want, and i'll know how much better i feel

also, gently caress you for being the dick that actually pipes up with this.

it's def a million steps in the right direction and gently caress yeah for you but nicotine is still nicotine and I come as a dude who occasionally considers abandoning his family to start a new life where he can smoke again

# ? Apr 3, 2016 06:22

Pittsburgh Fentanyl Cloud: Apr 7, 2003

ahmeni posted:

it's def a million steps in the right direction and gently caress yeah for you but nicotine is still nicotine and I come as a dude who occasionally considers abandoning his family to start a new life where he can smoke again

I quit smoking cold turkey and I do not give a gently caress or think about ever smoking again, and I smoked for 16 years. Evidently I'm in the minority.

# ? Apr 3, 2016 06:32

Suspicious Dish: Sep 24, 2011; 2020 is the year of linux on the desktop, bro; Fun Shoe

i never started smoking because i realized early on that everybody i knew who smoked hated it

# ? Apr 3, 2016 06:33

Pittsburgh Fentanyl Cloud: Apr 7, 2003

Suspicious Dish posted:

i never started smoking because i realized early on that everybody i knew who smoked hated it

I absolutely loved smoking and I still love the idea of it

I hate the idea of smelling bad and looking like a white trash piece of poo poo

that's why I quit

# ? Apr 3, 2016 06:33

Improbable Lobster: Jan 6, 2012; "From each according to his ability" said Ares. It sounded like a quotation.; Buglord

Suspicious Dish posted:

i never started smoking because i realized early on that everybody i knew who smoked hated it

# ? Apr 3, 2016 06:46

Trig Discipline: Jun 3, 2008; Please leave the room if you think this might offend you.; Grimey Drawer

Citizen Tayne posted:

I quit smoking cold turkey and I do not give a gently caress or think about ever smoking again, and I smoked for 16 years. Evidently I'm in the minority.

i quit in 1997 and i still want a cigarette at least a couple of times a week

# ? Apr 3, 2016 07:33

theflyingexecutive: Apr 22, 2007

half of all cigarettes are sold to people with mental disorders and something dumb like 95% of people with bipolar smoke

# ? Apr 3, 2016 08:31

30 TO 50 FERAL HOG: Mar 2, 2005

kickstarter project blynk actually succeeded and released a working product that does what its supposed to. but since they had no income model, they decided to add micro transactions which are mandatory if you actually want to use their apps, including for people who backed them

the server code is GPL and hosted on github

https://github.com/blynkkk/blynk-server/search?utf8=✓&q=energy

# ? Apr 3, 2016 14:47

Soricidus: Oct 21, 2010; freedom-hating statist shill

BiohazrD posted:

kickstarter project blynk actually succeeded and released a working product that does what its supposed to. but since they had no income model, they decided to add micro transactions which are mandatory if you actually want to use their apps, including for people who backed them

the server code is GPL and hosted on github

https://github.com/blynkkk/blynk-server/search?utf8=✓&q=energy

blyn KKK

# ? Apr 3, 2016 15:45

Bisty Q.: Jul 22, 2008

BiohazrD posted:

kickstarter project blynk actually succeeded and released a working product that does what its supposed to. but since they had no income model, they decided to add micro transactions which are mandatory if you actually want to use their apps, including for people who backed them

the server code is GPL and hosted on github

https://github.com/blynkkk/blynk-server/search?utf8=✓&q=energy

This was so dumb I went and looked at everything to try to prove you wrong and that it was an April Fool's joke but it is not. One of the iOS App Store reviews called this "the FarmVille upgrade" and, welp, yeah. WTF?

# ? Apr 3, 2016 15:51

akadajet: Sep 14, 2003

Bisty Q. posted:

This was so dumb I went and looked at everything to try to prove you wrong and that it was an April Fool's joke but it is not. One of the iOS App Store reviews called this "the FarmVille upgrade" and, welp, yeah. WTF?

lol

# ? Apr 3, 2016 16:13

maniacdevnull: Apr 18, 2007; FOUR CUBIC FRAMES
DISPROVES SOFT G GOD
YOU ARE EDUCATED STUPID

Citizen Tayne posted:

I hate the idea of smelling bad and looking like a white trash piece of poo poo

Lol I got some bad news then

# ? Apr 3, 2016 16:50

Pittsburgh Fentanyl Cloud: Apr 7, 2003

maniacdevnull posted:

Lol I got some bad news then

Turn your monitor on lol

# ? Apr 3, 2016 17:13

30 TO 50 FERAL HOG: Mar 2, 2005

Bisty Q. posted:

This was so dumb I went and looked at everything to try to prove you wrong and that it was an April Fool's joke but it is not. One of the iOS App Store reviews called this "the FarmVille upgrade" and, welp, yeah. WTF?

yeah, I'm in the process of rewriting the server to have unlimited energy, then ill post it on github. looking forward to the tears

# ? Apr 3, 2016 17:51

30 TO 50 FERAL HOG: Mar 2, 2005

lol never mind, the local server has a web admin panel

# ? Apr 3, 2016 18:43

oliwan: Jul 20, 2005; by Nyc_Tattoo

Most people here in berlin smoke in bars and clubs, and I like it (yes you are allowed to smoke in bars and clubs).

# ? Apr 4, 2016 00:57

ahmeni: May 1, 2005; It's one continuous form where hardware and software function in perfect unison, creating a new generation of iPhone that's better by any measure.; Grimey Drawer

lol http://www.oregonlive.com/window-shop/index.ssf/2016/03/coolest_cooler_15_million.html
this is all gold but there are some choiiiiice bits

quote:

Coolest wasn't able to manufacture the exact cooler in the promo videos.

"The Coolest Cooler in that video was a one-of a kind prototype," Grepper said. "Ultimately it's not a scalable design � it's an industrial design."

The proof-of-concept prototype cost him $15,000 to make, he said.

# ? Apr 5, 2016 03:26

Sham bam bamina!: Nov 6, 2012; ƨtupid cat

eh prototypes like that are notoriously expensive

# ? Apr 5, 2016 03:45

Pittsburgh Fentanyl Cloud: Apr 7, 2003

pushing it as a finished product is pretty hosed up.

# ? Apr 5, 2016 03:51

anthonypants: May 6, 2007; by Nyc_Tattoo; Dinosaur Gum

we pre-sold a bunch of product for way less than it costs to make them and all we need to fulfill those orders is another $15 million, and that's why we need vc money

# ? Apr 5, 2016 04:07

kitten emergency: Jan 13, 2008; get meow this wack-ass crystal prison

Citizen Tayne posted:

pushing it as a finished product is pretty hosed up.

kickstarter.txt

# ? Apr 5, 2016 04:38

Jonny 290: May 5, 2005; [ASK] me about OS/2 Warp

anthonypants posted:

we pre-sold a bunch of product for way less than it costs to make them and all we need to fulfill those orders is another $15 million, and that's why we need vc money

hehehehe enjoy ur model 3 preorders fellas :wink:

# ? Apr 5, 2016 06:09

Just-In-Timeberlake: Aug 18, 2003

Triton update!

quote:

Triton: Startup Behind 'Artificial Gills' Refunds Indiegogo Backers and Relaunches Campaign
The startup, which had previously raised more than $800,000 on the crowdfunding site, said it would restart its campaign with more information about how its underwater breathing system works.

they'll probably get even more money the second time

# ? Apr 5, 2016 15:15

Pittsburgh Fentanyl Cloud: Apr 7, 2003

Just-In-Timeberlake posted:

Triton update!

they'll probably get even more money the second time

Nerds are incapable of not throwing all of their money at anything that promises to make their mundane lovely life less boring, no matter how implausible it is.

# ? Apr 5, 2016 15:16

Pittsburgh Fentanyl Cloud: Apr 7, 2003

A space ship video game with space pirate rape? Take my money please. A cooler that plays music and has a blender built in? Sign me up. A provably impossible pair of mechanical gills? All my $5s

# ? Apr 5, 2016 15:18

Just-In-Timeberlake: Aug 18, 2003

quote:

Triton's since responded by somewhat clarifying how its diving tech works, saying only that it relies on a combination of the microporous hollow fiber filters in its "gills" and replaceable liquid oxygen cylinders to deliver breathable oxygen. The start-up's holding back any further specifics of how its tech works due to intellectual property concerns. And while that certainly doesn't clear up any of the confusion or skepticism surrounding the project, it definitely hasn't slowed enthusiasm from backers. To date, the relaunched campaign has raised just under $250,000, blowing past its modest $50,000 goal. The "gills," which are priced at $299 for backers and are set to hit retail at $399, are currently slated to ship this December. Just don't hold your breath.

lmaooooooooooo

# ? Apr 5, 2016 15:25

theflyingexecutive: Apr 22, 2007

idt I've ever been in a place with a cooler and said "man I wish I had a blender for some fresh margs"

# ? Apr 5, 2016 15:28

Pittsburgh Fentanyl Cloud: Apr 7, 2003

theflyingexecutive posted:

idt I've ever been in a place with a cooler and said "man I wish I had a blender for some fresh margs"

It was always ever Homer Car for alcohol

# ? Apr 5, 2016 15:29

theflyingexecutive: Apr 22, 2007

Just-In-Timeberlake posted:

lmaooooooooooo

lol I bet a failure state for that totally not made up lo2 canister is cryogenically preserving your lungs

# ? Apr 5, 2016 15:30

theflyingexecutive: Apr 22, 2007

Citizen Tayne posted:

It was always ever Homer Car for alcohol

you could get the king ranch crew cab 250 of coolers (a yeti) and then just run the blender with an inverter and stereo from your actual pickup for under five bills

# ? Apr 5, 2016 15:33

Improbable Lobster: Jan 6, 2012; "From each according to his ability" said Ares. It sounded like a quotation.; Buglord

Citizen Tayne posted:

It was always ever Homer Car for alcohol

gotta wonder what the battery life on that thing is

# ? Apr 5, 2016 15:33

Pittsburgh Fentanyl Cloud: Apr 7, 2003

Improbable Lobster posted:

gotta wonder what the battery life on that thing is

Why do you hate innovation?

# ? Apr 5, 2016 15:57

Sweevo: Nov 8, 2007; i sometimes throw cables away

i mean straight into the bin without spending 10+ years in the box of might-come-in-handy-someday first

im a fucking monster

Improbable Lobster posted:

gotta wonder what the battery life on that thing is

they added a built-in Batterizer™

# ? Apr 5, 2016 16:02

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# ? May 23, 2024 17:11

Vicas: Dec 9, 2009; Sweet tricks, mom.

Sweevo posted:

they added a built-in Batterizer™

take your old cooler batteries and throw them in the blender for a refreshing energy drink

# ? Apr 5, 2016 16:06

The Something Awful Forums > Discussion > Serious Hardware/Software Crap > YOSPOS > post the most worthless kickstarters and greatest investor rewards you got

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