ASoIaF: A Song of Ice and Fire: George Rail Road Martin

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Arc Hammer: Mar 4, 2013; Got any deathsticks?

Benjen stark faked his death so he could train for the London metropolitan police service inter-divisional boxing competition.
Watch ripper street. Or Luther. Or the last kingdom. Or Marco Polo. They're all wort your time more than waiting on a fat guy

# ? Apr 29, 2016 23:46

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# ? May 22, 2024 14:08

kcroy: May 30, 2002; by Nyc_Tattoo

Super Ninja Fish posted:

Well, I don't want to spoil the story, all I'll say is it involves Winnie the Pooh.

The winnie the pooh / targaryen story is my favorite from old threads. I mean the effort of the 40k crossover is probably the most epic. But that story was the one that made me lose my poo poo when reading it late one night.

# ? Apr 30, 2016 00:15

Groovelord Neato: Dec 6, 2014

are there any fantasy stories that are like got but without all the dumb magical bullshit and extraneous others? i guess it'd be more faux historical fiction but that aint a term yet.

# ? Apr 30, 2016 02:09

waffle enthusiast: Nov 16, 2007

Groovelord Neato posted:

are there any fantasy stories that are like got but without all the dumb magical bullshit and extraneous others?

Yeah, The Plantagenets.

is TWOW out yet?

# ? Apr 30, 2016 02:40

Number Ten Cocks: Feb 25, 2016; by zen death robot

Ivanhoe.

# ? Apr 30, 2016 02:50

Groovelord Neato: Dec 6, 2014

both of those are actual historical fiction

# ? Apr 30, 2016 02:57

MrSlam: Apr 25, 2014; And there you sat, eating hamburgers while the world cried.

Groovelord Neato posted:

are there any fantasy stories that are like got but without all the dumb magical bullshit and extraneous others? i guess it'd be more faux historical fiction but that aint a term yet.

My favorite fantasy movie is The Lion in Winter

Seriously though you'll be hard pressed to find a ~~atheist~~ completely non-mystical relatively medieval-accurate fantasy series with an emphasis on political intrigue. There's always going to be a prophecy, or a dream sequence, or unscientific fire breathing dragons. ASOIAF has religion and magic in it but it takes such a backseat compared to something like the Belgariad that you can see why people typically ignore the ice zombies whoch are barely in it.

This link might help you though https://www.reddit.com/r/Fantasy/comments/nmwvp/great_fantasy_with_very_very_little_magic/

e: I feel like I've made this exact post before responding to you actually

MrSlam fucked around with this message at 03:11 on Apr 30, 2016

# ? Apr 30, 2016 03:07

Groovelord Neato: Dec 6, 2014

i have memento disease.

i'll make sure i tattoo that post on my chest.

# ? Apr 30, 2016 03:45

CaptainRightful: Jan 11, 2005

Hard To Be A God by the Strugatsky brothers is about an anthropologist sent to a planet that is just like Earth, but stuck in its own Dark Age. He's supposed to observe without interfering, which becomes a severe psychological strain--hence the title.

It's essentially an extremely low fantasy fake Medieval story of court intrigue.

# ? Apr 30, 2016 04:22

some bust on that guy: Jan 21, 2006; This avatar was paid for by the Silent Majority.

kcroy posted:

The winnie the pooh / targaryen story is my favorite from old threads. I mean the effort of the 40k crossover is probably the most epic. But that story was the one that made me lose my poo poo when reading it late one night.

Is that a request?

# ? Apr 30, 2016 05:05

MrSlam: Apr 25, 2014; And there you sat, eating hamburgers while the world cried.

Super Ninja Fish posted:

Is that a request?

Absolutely

# ? Apr 30, 2016 05:11

Saeka: Jul 2, 2007; I'm a man that loves the simple things. Sunhats. Boba. Dresses.

Hey dead-insides, can anyone recommend a book series similar to ASOIAF, but you know, better?

# ? Apr 30, 2016 05:12

MrSlam: Apr 25, 2014; And there you sat, eating hamburgers while the world cried.

Saeka posted:

Hey dead-insides, can anyone recommend a book series similar to ASOIAF, but you know, better?

Frank Herbert's Dune series. By the way, I think your Weekend At Bernie's idea is brilliant.

Groovelord Neato posted:

are there any fantasy stories that are like got but without all the dumb magical bullshit and extraneous others? i guess it'd be more faux historical fiction but that aint a term yet.

Actually Groovelord Neato, if you don't mind a little hippie philosophy and sci-fi tropes Dune might be up your alley

MrSlam fucked around with this message at 05:22 on Apr 30, 2016

# ? Apr 30, 2016 05:16

Shimrra Jamaane: Aug 10, 2007; Obscure to all except those well-versed in Yuuzhan Vong lore.

What is the cutoff date for knowing for a fact that even if GRRM were to poo poo out a finished draft a publisher would not be able to release it this year?

# ? Apr 30, 2016 05:19

Evil Fluffy: Jul 13, 2009; Scholars are some of the most pompous and pedantic people I've ever had the joy of meeting.

Groovelord Neato posted:

are there any fantasy stories that are like got but without all the dumb magical bullshit and extraneous others? i guess it'd be more faux historical fiction but that aint a term yet.

Thousand Names, maybe? It does have some magic in it and I only read the first book in the series so I don't know how good/bad it goes later on.

# ? Apr 30, 2016 05:21

some bust on that guy: Jan 21, 2006; This avatar was paid for by the Silent Majority.

http://forums.somethingawful.com/showthread.php?threadid=3104213&pagenumber=61&perpage=40#post363240121

quote:

He didn't remember being captured.

Jaimie struggled against his bonds but found the act fruitless. He was surprised to find that he still had his golden hand on. How did they capture him?

He saw his men lying on the ground, dead or dying. His squire Peck was tied to a tree and Sir Payne was tied to his horse. Why kill everyone and us these three?

The men who now had control of his camp were everywhere. They wore bright yellow armor and had a signet of a dragon rapped around a tree. Odd. He had never seen armor like this before. What was going on?

Jaimie saw the smallest man walking towards him. At first, for half a second, he believed it too be Tyrion but this man was unbelievably shorter than Tryion he was. His body was covered in the same strange yellow armor and helmet but with a red strip across his chest.

"Hmm hehehe. Kinslayer!" The short yellow man said.

"Do I know you?"

"Oh brotha, don't tell me you've forgotten me already?"

Startled, Jaime gasped. "Impossible. You're supposed to be dead!" He whispered hoarsely.

"MMmm hmhmhmhmmmm! I'm a lot harder to kill." The yellow man lifted off his helmet and revealed a face he hadn't seen in 15 years.

"Winnie the Pooh!" Jaime said disbelieving. "My father destroyed your house 15 years ago."

A pink armored man came up beside Pooh. He could only be none other than Sir Piglet. "Oh D-d-d-dear-dear! You shut your mouth Kinslayer! The 100 Acre Wood lives on in the hearts of those who still remember!"

"Your house is dead and the memories as well. All I see is a bunch of broken animals."

"Bastard!" Piglet pulled out his sword.

"No Piglet. Death is too easy. I want to savor my revenge. I'll have my revenge! Tigger, bend him over!"

"That's what tiggers do best!"

"Afraid of me even now Pooh? Why don't you fight me, single combat? Too cowardly to fight a cripple?"

"No..." Pooh pulled down his breeches. His magnificent golden penis stood in the air like a golden statue. It made his golden hand look like dull copper. "I prefer to make you suffer!"

Jaimie's breeches were pulled off. "You bastard..."

"You'll enjoy this as much as I will."

He remembered what he had told Brienne that day. When it happened, you had to go inside yourself. Endure.

All thoughts left his mind when Winnie the Pooh shoved his ten inch penis inside Jaimie Lannister's rear end.

Jaimie screamed louder than he had when his hand was cut off. In some ways, this was far, far worse. Winnie the Pooh was loving him in the rear end!

And too his shame, this was also far, far better than times with Cersei.

Winnie the Pooh pumped Jaimie from behind like a wild animal. It was both horrible pain and addictive pleasure. He didn't know whether he was moaning from his tearing rear end or the pulsing pleasure.

Out of no where, Kylaer, Dendra, and Bummey walked in the clearing. They saw Jaimie Lannister, looked at each other in confusion, than backed away slowly into the unknown.

Jaimie gasped. The pressure from his rear end was gone. He was already missing the pleasure. He had time long enough to see Sir Payne getting raped from behind by Piglet before his line of vision was cut off by Winnie the Pooh's massive member.

"You moan too much..." Before Jaimie had time to reply, his mouth was penetrated. He resisted at first, but found himself not resisting hard. It was so wrong, but felt so, so right.

It was over fast. He felt Pooh shudder and release his seed in Jaimie's mouth.

"*cough* Dear god... it... *cough* taste like honey." It was the most wonderful taste he had ever tasted.

"Kinslayer... you are now my wife." Pooh announced.

"Yes..." Jaimie wheezed and swallowed.

"You are going to live a long time Kinslayer." Winnie the Pooh shuddered. "Only you remember my true identity. Only you remember my real name."

"Winnie the Pooh..." Jaimie said slowly. "Targaryen!"

some bust on that guy fucked around with this message at 16:33 on Apr 27, 2019

# ? Apr 30, 2016 05:23

some bust on that guy: Jan 21, 2006; This avatar was paid for by the Silent Majority.

http://forums.somethingawful.com/showthread.php?threadid=3104213&userid=0&perpage=40&pagenumber=235#post371638146

quote:

Catylen couldn�t remember much of anything. She remembered that she had a brother, a sister somewhere in the vale, and most importantly, her children. But it was the small details that she couldn�t remember. She had forgotten the sister�s name and had to be reminded daily. She knew the Lannisters had her brother-for which they would pay-but she didn�t remember what he was like or even what he looked like. Her unusual revival had burn away a former part of who she was.

Still, she remembered clearly other parts of her life. She remembered her children, her husband, and what had happened to her during the red wedding. Revenge was apart of her and revenge was cold. Cold like her heart, mind, and soul.

Her children were dead or missing and the Starks were virtually no more. She had the memories, but that�s all they were anymore. Now the only thing left were hate and vengeance.

She walked towards the end of the cave and met up with her new red priest, Bummey. In truth, she had no idea where the hell he came from but she used him none-the-less. The only thing she really knew about him was that he constantly muttered �that fat gently caress� in his sleep.

Bummey bowed his head as he approached. �We have captured him my Lady.�

She nodded and Bummey led the rest of the way.

She would get her revenge today.

She came towards the end of the cave where a man was sitting on the ground, hands bound behind him and face hooded. Bummey walked over towards the man and took off the hood. The man looked around, dazed and confused.

�Welcome Jon Snow.� She said weakly. She could speak more clearly after a fashion but it came out as a whisper more often than not. Still, she needed no one to translate for her anymore.

Jon looked up at Catylen. His features changed from confused to shock quickly. �You� you can�t be alive. You died!� He said disbelieving.

�Death holds no hands over me.� She said. �I was brought back, or at least most of me.�

�Mother��

Catylen smacked him hard. �Don�t you dare call me mother! All my children are lost! You were never a Stark! Never. Bummey, gag him!�

Bummey placed a wad of used underwear from some fat author in Jon�s mouth. He made sounds, but no words came out.

�I have no children left, but I will have my revenge. I will kill all who betrayed me one by one. They took them all away, even my Ned, and I�ll never have them back. But I will have something back bastard!�

Bummey walked over to Jon and kissed him on the forehead. The fire from the red priest went into Jon Snow, convulsing inside his body. Jon let out a moan, whether from pain or pleasure she didn�t know. He stopped a few seconds later and looked at Cat with fear in his eyes.

Good.

Bummey took off Jon�s clothes. Catylen looked at Jon�s raging hard penis and nodded. �The fire that brought life back into me can also bring burning desire in you. I will never see Ned again and my children are lost to me. But I will have children of Ned�s blood; even if it has to be diluted by you bastard!"

She let her robe drop towards the ground. Her voice might be returning, but nothing else about her was. Her skin looked like curdled milk that would fall off to the touch. She was missing most of her hair and part of her breast had fallen off long ago. The scars from where she had clawed at her face were still there and looking fresh. Flaps of her skin hung lazily over her face.

Jon screamed through his gag.

(Please play this theme music for the remainder of the chapter. (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MKzqP4-0Z6M )

She pushed Jon on his back and mounted him. Her lower parts were cold and dry. It felt like a warm sausage going into a hole of sandpaper. Jon screamed again, but she ignored him. She let out a moan of pleasure that had nothing to do with Jon�s hard cock. She was cold, so very cold like a corpses and she suspected Jon felt the same from his shudders. She felt Jon�s warmth inside her, invading her like a rampaging boar.

The fire that was in Jon was taking over him. He gave into lust he wasn�t even aware of. He took his hands and rubbed all over her jello-like body. Blood ran down onto Jon�s body from her lower parts like the river she was dumped into. She closed her eyes and imagined that it was Ned who she was raping. �Ned�� she whispered.

Her cold, curdled body moved with a determined rhythm. There was blood everywhere now, which made her uncomfortably think of the Red Wedding. She cried out and pulled out a chunk of hair from her ruined scalp.

Jon was close to climaxing now. He shuttered, threw back his head, and screamed as rich, burning Stark juice shot inside Catylen. She screamed in pleasure and pain than. His seed burned her corpse like embers.

She pulled away from Jon and lay across from him, out of breath and tired. She could feel his seed making it�s way through her body. If what Bummey said was true, the fire in Jon promised her womb to quicken on her first try. She would have Ned�s baby again!

She looked over at Jon, who was convulsing violently on the grown and foaming from the mouth. She frowned. She cared nothing for him, but she wanted him alive. She was determined to replace every one of her kids through him.

Jon stopped suddenly, than� one second, he was Jon Snow, another second, he transformed suddenly into a woman.

�Bummey, what�s going on?�

�Holy goonsquad! It�s a faceless man! When� when you slept with her, she must have reverted back to her original form!�

Cat looked down on the woman, who looked to be a maid of five and ten. She spit the gag out of her mouth and looked at Catylen with familiar eyes. �Mother�� she muttered weekly.

Cat didn�t remember much, but she could never forget Arya�s eye. �No� no! What have I done?�

�I feel� cold. I feel the coldness inside me now.� Arya muttered weakly.

Bummey walked over to Arya. �She�s� pregnant now, like you Catylen. The prophesies� they spoke of two women who would be impregnated in such a fashion. She carries the child of Ice and you now carry the child of Fire.� Bummey looked over at Cat. �You really are a vapid oval office.� He left her there on the ground.

Catylen didn�t pay attention. She looked at Arya in horror. She and Arya were covered in her blood and stunk of dead fish. She had� raped Arya! No� No! She took her hands and clawed at her Tully Swamp in an attempt to take back what she had done. Red tears started to form from it and renew red rain flowing on the ground. �Arya� Arya no� It shouldn�t have been you. It shouldn�t have been you!!!"

-----------------------------------------------------

Bummey smiled as he walked out of the cave. �It is done my lord.�

Winnie the Pooh Targaryen walked out among the shadows, followed by Piglet. He smiled in Victory. �Just as planned��

�To be continued.

some bust on that guy fucked around with this message at 16:24 on Apr 27, 2019

# ? Apr 30, 2016 05:24

CPFortest: Jun 2, 2009; Did you not pour me out like milk, and curdle me like cheese?

# ? Apr 30, 2016 05:57

SaviourX: Sep 30, 2003; The only true Catwoman is Julie Newmar, Lee Meriwether, or Eartha Kitt.

Were there pokemon ones too? Sandor PI is always a classic.

e: gently caress you, Geodude.

# ? Apr 30, 2016 07:12

Pastry Mistakes: Apr 6, 2009

I remember writing some horrible poo poo, but for the life of me I could never find it in my post history after my probations. That and my awesome Photoshop way back when of centaur Drogo for my pseudo spoiling of the baby thread way back in season 1.

# ? Apr 30, 2016 11:16

Groovelord Neato: Dec 6, 2014

Evil Fluffy posted:

Thousand Names, maybe? It does have some magic in it and I only read the first book in the series so I don't know how good/bad it goes later on.

i didn't really mean "no magic" i just mean "magic doesn't displace the actual interesting parts like it does in game of thrones and is not used as a central plot device because it's lazy as gently caress writing".

# ? Apr 30, 2016 13:14

Take the plunge! Okay!: Feb 24, 2007

Groovelord Neato posted:

i didn't really mean "no magic" i just mean "magic doesn't displace the actual interesting parts like it does in game of thrones and is not used as a central plot device because it's lazy as gently caress writing".

Pretty much everything Guy Gavriel Kay ever wrote. Maybe skip Tigana, because it's the most "magical" of his works, but The Lions Of Al Rassan and The Sarantine Mosaic should fit your request.

# ? Apr 30, 2016 13:20

Arc Hammer: Mar 4, 2013; Got any deathsticks?

Groovelord Neato posted:

i didn't really mean "no magic" i just mean "magic doesn't displace the actual interesting parts like it does in game of thrones and is not used as a central plot device because it's lazy as gently caress writing".

You could try the Witcher books. There is a ton of magic but at its core it is a series about how loving horribly people mistreat each other.

# ? Apr 30, 2016 16:23

MrSlam: Apr 25, 2014; And there you sat, eating hamburgers while the world cried.

Groovelord Neato posted:

i didn't really mean "no magic" i just mean "magic doesn't displace the actual interesting parts like it does in game of thrones and is not used as a central plot device because it's lazy as gently caress writing".

Like Tyrion's family issues, Cersei's grab for power, Catelyn's good intentions destroying her family, Sansa's life as a political hostage, Brienne's and Ned's struggles to maintain honor, Theon's horrific torturous existence, Jon constantly trying to make the best out of a terrible situation, Sam struggling to survive at the edge of the world, Danaerys learning about leading an army, Arya becoming an outlaw and her subsequent quest for revenge, and all the political schemes of Tywin, Littlefinger, Varys, Illyrio, and a dozen other power players are all the results of magic lightning bolt throwing long bearded Merlins casting spells from their boiling cauldrons.

poo poo man, I don't think three dragons some dreams and a few zombies qualify as central plot devices. There's plenty of reasons not to like Asoiaf but basic fantasy tropes aren't one of them.

# ? Apr 30, 2016 16:26

Anders: Nov 8, 2004; I'd rather score...

... but I'll grind it good for you

SaviourX posted:

E: Mostly for the panties it ruffled over in CC.

Or when TBB got really upset because 70% of the posts in the sub forum was people writing how much they despised the fat fucker and not serious discussions about "real" literature

# ? Apr 30, 2016 16:27

Sally: Jan 9, 2007; Don't post Small Dash!

huge segments of TBB posters throwing fits over how much or how little "serious literature" is posted about is always hilarious.

# ? Apr 30, 2016 17:23

some bust on that guy: Jan 21, 2006; This avatar was paid for by the Silent Majority.

Apeshit Sixfingers posted:

I remember writing some horrible poo poo, but for the life of me I could never find it in my post history after my probations. That and my awesome Photoshop way back when of centaur Drogo for my pseudo spoiling of the baby thread way back in season 1.

You can click on the ? under your name to see all your posts in a thread. All the Bad Threads are linked to in the first page of this thread. Doing that, i was able to find

Oh yeah, the Pedophile probated you for a week because he thought this was a real spoiler for Episode 10.

That bastard got me three times too.

# ? Apr 30, 2016 17:41

Anders: Nov 8, 2004; I'd rather score...

... but I'll grind it good for you

Can any of you dumpster divers dig up Song of Ice and Wire?

# ? Apr 30, 2016 18:15

Groovelord Neato: Dec 6, 2014

MrSlam posted:

poo poo man, I don't think three dragons some dreams and a few zombies qualify as central plot devices. There's plenty of reasons not to like Asoiaf but basic fantasy tropes aren't one of them.

the others/white walkers are gonna end being the main plot and it's dumb and extraneous.

and the dragons are literally the only reason dany could keep going.

# ? Apr 30, 2016 18:44

emanresu tnuocca: Sep 2, 2011; by Athanatos

Groovelord Neato posted:

the others/white walkers are gonna end being the main plot and it's dumb and extraneous.

and the dragons are literally the only reason dany could keep going.

"end up"? You do realize the series is called "A song of ice and fire" and has been hitting us over the head with the notion that everything that happens south of the wall is trivial in the grand scope of things?

# ? Apr 30, 2016 19:02

Groovelord Neato: Dec 6, 2014

...that doesn't make it any less dumb...

don't worry about the actually interesting stuff it's actually ice zombies that you should care about!

plus the name coulda just been that the loving winter is coming and there's also dragons??

# ? Apr 30, 2016 19:20

Kavak: Aug 23, 2009

Winter arriving would basically have the same effect as the ice zombie apocalypse, though.

# ? Apr 30, 2016 19:24

emanresu tnuocca: Sep 2, 2011; by Athanatos

Groovelord Neato posted:

...that doesn't make it any less dumb...

don't worry about the actually interesting stuff it's actually ice zombies that you should care about!

plus the name coulda just been that the loving winter is coming and there's also dragons??

Sure except you know for minor things like the ice elves showing up in the first chapter and old nan talking about the long night very ominously and osha explicitly telling bran that Robb is riding in the wrong direction and etc etc etc all being set up from the first book.

I mean for chrissakes why do I keep taking your bait, fool me the hundredth time shame on me.

# ? Apr 30, 2016 19:43

TommyGun85: Jun 5, 2013

emanresu tnuocca posted:

Sure except you know for minor things like the ice elves showing up in the first chapter and old nan talking about the long night very ominously and osha explicitly telling bran that Robb is riding in the wrong direction and etc etc etc all being set up from the first book.

I mean for chrissakes why do I keep taking your bait, fool me the hundredth time shame on me.

so 1 book of foreshadowing, 4 books of trivial nonsense and 2 books that will never exist. Epic indeed.

# ? Apr 30, 2016 21:02

FrozenVent: May 1, 2009; The Boeing 737-200QC is the undisputed workhorse of the skies.

TommyGun85 posted:

so 1 book of foreshadowing, 4 books of trivial nonsense and 2 books that will never exist. Epic indeed.

No one said it was a well written epic.

# ? Apr 30, 2016 21:21

MrSlam: Apr 25, 2014; And there you sat, eating hamburgers while the world cried.

gently caress it Groovy. If you're just going to ignore my argument and 95% of the books I'll ignore you too.

Here is a list of historical fiction you can enjoy instead of being here not enjoying books you've never read

Not that anyone here is enjoying asoiaf anyway

# ? Apr 30, 2016 21:27

emanresu tnuocca: Sep 2, 2011; by Athanatos

TommyGun85 posted:

so 1 book of foreshadowing, 4 books of trivial nonsense and 2 books that will never exist. Epic indeed.

Yeah but that isn't an argument against the Ice Elves being a huge part of the books that serve to set the tone early on and are always intriguing whenever they make an appearance, it's just another example of GRRM getting lost in his multitude of plot threads and failing to advance the actual main plot of the books for 4 consecutive books.

# ? Apr 30, 2016 21:29

SaviourX: Sep 30, 2003; The only true Catwoman is Julie Newmar, Lee Meriwether, or Eartha Kitt.

Lol at this poor bastard:

SaviourX posted:

Okay nerds, I got AFfC for my birthday, but after reading the back matter and knowing that Martin is just procrastinating now, is it really worth it to read only half of the book as planned?

Do any of you think waiting for the unlikely event of Dance being published this year before reading Feast is a good idea?

Over seven years ago, so innocent, so bright and shining.

# ? Apr 30, 2016 21:55

Groovelord Neato: Dec 6, 2014

emanresu tnuocca posted:

Sure except you know for minor things like the ice elves showing up in the first chapter and old nan talking about the long night very ominously and osha explicitly telling bran that Robb is riding in the wrong direction and etc etc etc all being set up from the first book.

I mean for chrissakes why do I keep taking your bait, fool me the hundredth time shame on me.

can you grasp that i'm saying it never should've been part of the story not that he never showed em before.

MrSlam posted:

gently caress it Groovy. If you're just going to ignore my argument and 95% of the books I'll ignore you too.

i don't think you read my posts. my issue is that the other stuff is interesting and the generic fantasy bullshit drags it down. it also would've been done in fewer books without that garbage.

# ? Apr 30, 2016 22:26

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# ? May 22, 2024 14:08

Anders: Nov 8, 2004; I'd rather score...

... but I'll grind it good for you

Look at these fools discussing the books they'll ever be concluded (or that lardboy had a plan from the outset)

# ? Apr 30, 2016 22:51

The Something Awful Forums > The Finer Arts > The Book Barn > ASoIaF: A Song of Ice and Fire: George Rail Road Martin

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