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Share your busybody nosy neighbour stories: My wife and I, who are both strong-willed and care deeply about our kids, sometimes get into pretty vigorous debates about the right way to raise them. Today's tussle was cause by me asking my wife why she, rather than our son, was doing the glueing for a school project. We can both sometimes be fairly emotional so it quickly escalated to yelling, but we had unfortunately left our bedroom window open due to the weather and so the sound must have carrie, resulting in our busybody neighbour calling the police. At least the police had the good grace to look embarrassed when they saw my wife and I sitting across a kindergarten project poster board vigorously debating the merits of being more or less hands on with kindergarten homework. Our kids were in bed and we were in our own room with the door shut - am I wrong to think that the neighbour should have minded their own business?
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May 21, 2016 05:24
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| # ? Jun 1, 2024 08:48 |
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Yeah, you are, honestly. If you two are yelling loudly enough for long enough that your neighbors can hear it and think that something is wrong, then you two are the ones who are in the wrong here imo, and you should maybe consider acting like reasonable adults instead of yelling at each other about homework
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May 21, 2016 06:46
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Kalenn Istarion posted:Our kids were in bed and we were in our own room with the door shut - am I wrong to think that the neighbour should have minded their own business? I guess it depends on how close the house is, if you already have issues with them, what was actually being said and how loud... Just remember this meme: 
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May 21, 2016 08:33
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I think it depends really, could the neighbour hear what you were arguing about and just called the police because you were disturbing them by being noisy? Then yeah it was possibly over the top and they could have just come round to ask you to keep it down (but disturbing the neighbours is also a bit inconsiderate if it was late). If they couldn't tell what the argument was about and thought it was a domestic violence incident then they were right to call the police. People who genuinely think someone is in danger of being hurt should always call the police rather than minding their own business and keeping their nose out of it. Part of the problem with domestic abuse is that so many people don't think they should get involved.
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May 21, 2016 09:37
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VorpalBunny posted:I guess it depends on how close the house is, if you already have issues with them, what was actually being said and how loud... .... We weren't yelling at the kids, just raised voices at a very grown up disagreement in what I thought was a private space but for the open window. Khizan posted:Yeah, you are, honestly. What is 'reasonable adults'? You've never lost your cool in an argument? Do you think the police should be called when two adults have a disagreement? Does your answer change if I tell you my two year old could throw a ball into our neighbors house from the window? If I called the cops every time I heard someone have an argument i'd have them on speed dial. Disagreement and resolution is a normal, healthy part of any relationship. What do I do if my son needs to be disciplined by sitting in timeout and he screams at me? Should they call the cops then too? This is a thing that happens all the time because he's an energetic six year old who, like his mom and dad has strong emotions and personality.
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May 21, 2016 10:18
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Since you'd already decided on the answer why'd you ask?
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May 21, 2016 11:58
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Its really hard to say who is wrong in the situation without having been there to witness it, but if a kindergarten assignment gets you and your wife in a "heated argument" you might want to consider working on your communication methods. Kids pick up on that stuff and learn behaviors. My husband has anger issues (just like his sister) that they learned from their father who has them. He never directs them at me, but he has a short fuse in certain situations and he actively works hard not to be "passionate" especially around our son. He also had to deal with issues stemming from being in the army and fighting overseas that he got counseling for a long time ago. It really is possible to change your attitude about things if you really want to and work at it.
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May 21, 2016 12:55
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Kalenn Istarion posted:.... We weren't yelling at the kids, just raised voices at a very grown up disagreement in what I thought was a private space but for the open window. Perhaps you and your wife should look into a different way to manage your conflicts. Yelling/raised voices is something that isn't acceptable in most people's lives - school, work, friends and family. And just because your kids weren't in the room doesn't mean that they didn't hear you.
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May 21, 2016 13:19
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Kalenn Istarion posted:Our kids were in bed and we were in our own room with the door shut - am I wrong to think that the neighbour should have minded their own business? I'd rather my neighbour's err on the side of action if they think something's wrong, honestly. Maybe they were overreacting, but it doesn't seem as if any real harm was done, and if something ever does go wrong it would be nice to have neighbours that would do something about it instead of ignoring it. But like was mentioned, they could have just called because they were annoyed by the noise in which case they were jerks, but people "minding their own business" is exactly why so much abuse goes unchecked for so long despite people being well aware there's a problem, so I'm disinclined to condemn someone for a single incident of trying to do the right thing.
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May 21, 2016 13:50
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Kalenn Istarion posted:What is 'reasonable adults'? You've never lost your cool in an argument? Do you think the police should be called when two adults have a disagreement? Does your answer change if I tell you my two year old could throw a ball into our neighbors house from the window? When you describe the context as "We're both emotional so it quickly escalated to yelling" like that's the obvious outcome and it's an entirely reasonable thing for an adult to say about an argument over kindergarten homework, I think that the situation is probably less "lost cool in one argument one time" and more "that neighbor couple that's always screaming at each other". Maybe you and your wife should work on communication skills or something, instead of acting like five year olds fighting over the last cookie. I'll even give you a starting point: "I got mad so I started yelling" is pretty much never reasonable adult behavior and it's pretty much never excusable, especially in situations like this one.
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May 21, 2016 13:57
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My husband and I are both strong willed stubborn people. We don't yell though because that's rude and not helpful IMO. I'd be embarrassed as gently caress if the cops got called as a result of an argument over gluing. How the hell loud were you "vigorously debating" to make the neighbor call the cops. drat.
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May 21, 2016 14:24
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I'm more than a bit disappointed that the thread hasn't managed to do its usual thing of providing feedback on information as presented rather than extrapolating from a data point of one. Guess I should have known better. Thanks to those who did give more balanced responses. I'm not thrilled that we were arguing but it's also not a regular occurrence and I was profoundly embarrassed and confused when the police showed up at my house. I don't even remember the last time we had a serious argument because it's been so long. Of course I wish we'd resolved that particular conflict differently but if you manage to go through life without ever having an argument with anyone you live in a magic fairy land that nobody I know has ever seen. The way I was raised was that you do your best to resolve differences peacefully and calmly but also that your beliefs and values are only worth as much as you're willing to defend them when pressed. We weren't arguing about a specific piece of homework as much as a philosophy of how to approach teaching our children, which is something that we both care very deeply about and I see as important to establish in a mutually agreed approach early on, so that we're working together and not second guessing every time our sons get homework. --------- To perhaps change topics, the crux of the debate was how hands-on one should be in helping kids with their school work. Curious what different approaches / philosophies people have.
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May 21, 2016 16:14
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I just can't imagine how heated an argument about glue could get, but then my brother told me he and his wife had a full on screaming fight about whether Edith from Downton Abbey was a terrible person or not so I don't know. We tend to huffs rather than fights which certainly isn't a healthier way to deal with conflict but is a lot quieter. Regarding homework - I think it depends on the age of the child and the kind of homework it is. Certainly here there is an expectation that the parents will be helping for some of the larger projects and when you've been sitting for 3 hours while your kid insists on drawing every blade of grass separately giving a helping hand is the only way to get it done and still get to bed before midnight. Really for me it depends on the scale of the homework, building space rockets and Egyptian thrones I expect I'll be getting quite involved, drawing a picture or something simple I'll be hands off and just supervising.
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May 21, 2016 16:33
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This is somewhat off-topic, but if your neighbors heard you yelling, called the fuzz, and they arrived while you were still having the same argument, you should commend your police chief and thank the mayor. I've called the cops while watching a crime go down, only to have the cops knock on the door 2.5 hours later and ask where the criminals were.
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May 21, 2016 17:27
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photomikey posted:This is somewhat off-topic, but if your neighbors heard you yelling, called the fuzz, and they arrived while you were still having the same argument, you should commend your police chief and thank the mayor. I've called the cops while watching a crime go down, only to have the cops knock on the door 2.5 hours later and ask where the criminals were. Most of the time I'm quite happy to live less than 300m from a police station, fire station, and hospital (all three kitty corner), including a couple weeks ago when someone tried to get in to one of our neighbors' houses via their balcony. Tonight was not one of those times. We'd maaaaybe been arguing for 10 minutes and were mostly winding down when they walked in, hence my comment about the cops looking embarrassed at seeing my wife and I sitting across from each other. I dunno, I get if we had been throwing poo poo or calling each other names or something, but perhaps the harshest thing that was said was "take a breath for a second and let me get a word in edgewise", followed by "let me finish my thought!". It was in raised voices but we weren't even using "naughty" words.
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May 21, 2016 17:56
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How is there even 10 minutes worth of yelling in an argument about glue?
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May 21, 2016 18:15
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kells posted:How is there even 10 minutes worth of yelling in an argument about glue? Did you actually read anything I posted?
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May 21, 2016 18:28
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Yeah, you and your wife get in screaming matches instead of having adult discussions and try to excuse it by saying you're "strong willed" and "emotional". Judging by your reaction in this thread when people dared to disagree with you I could suggest some better descriptors. If you are screaming loud and long enough that the neighbours call the cops then you are at fault. Maybe consider the neighbour's perspective: it's extremely inconsiderate for you to yell so much that they see a need to call the police regardless of how normal you think it is to have screaming matches over every disagreement (hint: it isn't).
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May 21, 2016 19:18
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"Today's tussle" definitely sounds like this is a regular occurrence, if that's not the impression you meant to give maybe you should reflect on language and its complexities Congratulations on raising your voice to your wife over kindergarten homework in a completely reasonable way though, you were totally right to do that and your neighbors are definitely the crazy ones on your block
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May 21, 2016 20:27
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If you are yelling with your spouse to the point the neighbors are concerned, over a loving kindergarten project no less, something bears examining.
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May 21, 2016 20:35
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There's no way to defend from that kind of baseless assertion in an anonymous forum so I'm done with that conversation. Think about what you're accusing me of based on a couple random words in an Internet post and take a deep breath. How about we focus on the actual parenting question so that this doesn't continue to derail the thread.
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May 21, 2016 22:05
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You're the one who brought their "nosy neighbor" complaint to the parenting thread. Head over to E/N so you can learn about conflict resolution that doesn't result in a police log.
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May 21, 2016 22:13
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Not one of my better decisions
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May 21, 2016 22:20
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kells posted:How is there even 10 minutes worth of yelling in an argument about glue? I'm not saying his post was good, but this is pretty stupid. It wasn't an argument about glue, it was never cast as an argument about glue.
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May 22, 2016 02:10
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GlyphGryph posted:I'm not saying his post was good, but this is pretty stupid. It wasn't an argument about glue, it was never cast as an argument about glue. Shall we yell about that for ten minutes then? I was poking fun at him being an angry idiot.
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May 22, 2016 04:24
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Kalenn Istarion posted:How about we focus on the actual parenting question so that this doesn't continue to derail the thread. Kalenn Istarion posted:To perhaps change topics, the crux of the debate was how hands-on one should be in helping kids with their school work. Curious what different approaches / philosophies people have.
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May 22, 2016 04:38
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Depends on the age, the project, etc. My kid is 5, he's in TK, and he does almost all his own stuff. I used to sit there with him to help but he's old enough now he can just take the homework packet and do it in his room by himself. He had a science fair project, my husband guided him on where to paste stuff and where to draw the words and pictures, but he did all the labor himself. My daughter is 3, she'll be starting preschool this summer, and I imagine I'll be doing a lot more of the heavy lifting. As long as she holds the pencil or the crayon and can take my direction, I'll help her until she's a little older.
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May 22, 2016 04:42
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Kalenn Istarion posted:How about we focus on the actual parenting question so that this doesn't continue to derail the thread. I thought that yelling at each other until somebody reports you was how you liked to talk about this subject?
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May 22, 2016 05:01
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Khizan posted:I thought that yelling at each other until somebody reports you was how yo...
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May 22, 2016 06:06
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Some people are really invested in their behavior being normal and typical. I don't think that poster can imagine that healthy, communicative people don't regularly raise their voices at each other even just a little. I've been lurking this thread for a few weeks, and I've got to say all of you seem like such good moms and dads  I work with parents and caregivers for a living and do a lot of parenting skills analysis and this thread is really helping my perspective. Is anyone here parenting older kids? I have a 16 year old foster daughter who I am struggling with sometimes but I don't want to derail baby/toddler/young kid chat.
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May 22, 2016 06:12
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Mocking Bird posted:Is anyone here parenting older kids? I have a 16 year old foster daughter who I am struggling with sometimes but I don't want to derail baby/toddler/young kid chat. I just want to give you kudos for being a foster parent. It is a tough job, we just adopted our little foster son last week after he was in our care for over two years. I can only imagine raising not only a foster kid but a teenager as well. I have no advice, my oldest is 5.
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May 22, 2016 07:21
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 Behold, my 6.5 month old's torn up finger. Part of her middle finger and other index finger are like this from gumming and sucking on her hands all the live long day. She's not very interested in the teething toys we have given her (and she doesn't appear to be actually cutting teeth yet) and I haven't put a whole lot of creams or ointments on her finger since it gets sucked off immediately. Would anyone happen to have any recommendations? She didn't care much for pacifiers when she was new, so I didn't bother with them. Should I try harder to get her used to one or is she too old? Also, if anyone can suggest something to put on her skin to help, I would be forever grateful. The finger doesn't seem to hurt her, but it's hard to tell sometimes.
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May 22, 2016 07:23
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My 2-year old apparently has caught hand/foot/mouth disease. Our basic googling reveals there is nothing really to be done, try to wash our hands and keep him from infecting others in the household (hahahaha! I expect we will all have it by the middle of next week) and it's basically just being uncomfortable for a few days with small blisters. Obviously, if he develops breathing problems or other abnormal symptoms we go to urgent care or the ped. Any advice otherwise, or anecdotes about this wonderful little surprise?
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May 22, 2016 07:31
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VorpalBunny posted:I just want to give you kudos for being a foster parent. It is a tough job, we just adopted our little foster son last week after he was in our care for over two years. I can only imagine raising not only a foster kid but a teenager as well. Congratulations on your adoption!  Mine doesn't want to be adopted, or at least not yet. We are coming up on six months together! VorpalBunny posted:My 2-year old apparently has caught hand/foot/mouth disease. Our basic googling reveals there is nothing really to be done, try to wash our hands and keep him from infecting others in the household (hahahaha! I expect we will all have it by the middle of next week) and it's basically just being uncomfortable for a few days with small blisters. Obviously, if he develops breathing problems or other abnormal symptoms we go to urgent care or the ped. Any advice otherwise, or anecdotes about this wonderful little surprise? Not so congratulations! I've only ever dealt with this in a school setting and you have my utter sympathy.
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May 22, 2016 07:41
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Mocking Bird posted:Is anyone here parenting older kids? I have a 16 year old foster daughter who I am struggling with sometimes but I don't want to derail baby/toddler/young kid chat.
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May 22, 2016 07:54
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VorpalBunny posted:My 2-year old apparently has caught hand/foot/mouth disease. We actually haven't had that one but I just want to say that kids are freaking biological warfare vectors, I've been somewhat sick probably 50% of the time since #1 son started daycare back in 2010.
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May 22, 2016 09:04
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Mocking Bird posted:
I have a 13 year old and 19 year old (both boys) as well as the 5 year old and 3 year old. A couple of weeks ago I would have said they were both great kids but we just got back from a family holiday which was the first time we'd spent an extended period with my 19 year old for a while (he moved out about 2 years ago, we see him once a week or so so it's not like we're estranged but he just comes round for dinner or occasionally to sleep) and my god he was a butt head. Fine most the time but at least once a day some stupid inconsequential thing would turn into a massive argument. Him and my sister had a screaming match about whether the cocktail was called Sex on the Beach or Love on the Beach at the resort we were staying in. He wanted to climb the massive mountain behind the hotel, i said it wasn't a good idea with young kids (it was a craggy grapnel mountain rather than a nice gentle path mountain) so he yelled about how we were ruining everything by being so stupid then vanished for 6 hours. With no phone, no water, no sun lotion and in jeans. While I was trying to work out how to find dead bodies half way up mountains in foreign countries he appeared back wearing some random guys shorts and a back redder than a lobster. I read an article in the Guardian that talked about the hypothalamus reaction that gets a bit wonky in teenagers which sounded about right - It's like his hackles were always on the verge of being raised.
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May 22, 2016 10:21
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VorpalBunny posted:My 2-year old apparently has caught hand/foot/mouth disease. Our basic googling reveals there is nothing really to be done, try to wash our hands and keep him from infecting others in the household (hahahaha! I expect we will all have it by the middle of next week) and it's basically just being uncomfortable for a few days with small blisters. Obviously, if he develops breathing problems or other abnormal symptoms we go to urgent care or the ped. Any advice otherwise, or anecdotes about this wonderful little surprise? its possible you already had it when you were little and won't catch it. When it made its way through our daycare and our kid got it my husband and I didn't catch it. My husband's mom confirmed he had it when he was young. For some reason my mom got really offended when I asked her if I had ever had it and said I did not.  As far as kindergarten homework and how hands-on you should be. Do it all for them in an obvious manner because kindergartners are too young for homework.
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May 22, 2016 11:51
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I'm also in the parent of older kids group, my two daughters are 13 and 10. I had to teach my oldest how to use tampons the other day, that was fun.
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May 22, 2016 14:20
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| # ? Jun 1, 2024 08:48 |
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amethystbliss posted:I'm the legal guardian of an 11 year old and 14 year old following a family emergency a few years ago (in addition to my daughter who turns two in a few days). We're in this for the long haul, and it's been a roller coaster. Puberty is the goddamn worst. 14 is the worst age. Firmly in the grip of hormonal surges, but without a goddamn clue in the world and completely impossible to reason with. I feel like sometimes my 16 year old can have a thoughtful conversation (sometimes...), not so with a 14 year old  I am also in it for the long haul, we have agreed that she is staying with me til she goes off to college (and we often talk about her coming home for summers etc) hookerbot 5000 posted:I have a 13 year old and 19 year old (both boys) as well as the 5 year old and 3 year old. Now this sounds more like it. I'm sorry that I laughed a little at this story, but it just sounds so familiar. I got a string of angry heart broken texts a few days ago because apparently I was starving her at school by not transferring money to her debit card at lunch time. That would be quite a feat given the free school lunch, the extensive opportunity she had to pack food at home, and the $20 allowance she already spent on junk food... Puberty is the worst.
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May 22, 2016 16:04
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