The Merry Marauder posted:

Jesus. What's he rated there? I mean, I guess it should be substanially above the usual "this person is not a catcher, gently caress off."

That's terrifying, and I've played Jason Giambi at third.

mrnoun posted:

Todd Hundley (no significant playing time since SL 4)

Grinnblade posted:

Oh hey I kinda forgot about my dumpster fire of a team.

Again.

Uh.

So how about them Taters?

Keith Wuncler CXXXIV posted:

Dear Diary,

It has been a long time since I've written in you, hasn't it? This season hasn't done us too good. The last game of the season and look at us, a sorry collection of players that have been all but whipped. At home too, which is the most distressing thing of all. Our man, Shepard, he's cracked a bit. He still smiles, but in that way which makes you think he's going to sink his teeth into your neck. Heck. I might not be alive a week from now, but I have my dignity. I refuse to get swept and end the season that way.

I knew we had our chances when the Dragons trotted out Bret Saberhagen. Without their abominable New Hoss, their rotation is a lot less fierce though that only means you face mortals like Babe Adams and Kevin Brown instead of that nukular powered menace. And Bret is, sorry to say, no one's idea of a fearsome pitcher.

So we're off to a fast start. Trammell walks and Teddy homers, and we're up two. I'm thinking that at least we've got runs on the board and can relax a tiny bit. Nope. Juan gets nipped for a pile of singles, the Dragons steal bases with impunity because Mike never was all that great at throwing out runners. I ask him what he's doing letting the team swiping the bags and he shrugs. "I hit the ball and make sure the ball doesn't hit the ump" he says.

Oh, how I wanted to slap him. Lord did I want to do that.

So now we're 3-2. Our boss has pulled in the outfield walls and soon enough Rudy York, of all people, slaps it out of the park. Rudy York! It's a double edged sword, for sure, and Marichal ain't no one's idea of a ground ball pitcher. Still. I questioned the wisdom of this move, though as with all things in this League it was done overnight in a blink. One day the walls were out there, and now entire chunks of the outfield are gone. The Boss noticed my worried look when I saw that bleacher section almost nose-to-nose with the first base coach and said not to worry about it.

Well. He was right about that. Down 4-2, it looks dire, except that all our batters look at the new walls with a joy that I don't feel. Teddy hits another in the 4th. Mike, true to his word, hits another for two ribbies and now we're back on top 5-4. In a flash, my despair turns into surprise and hope again. We've given poor Bret a pounding but we're not done yet, with Tris finally performing as promised, with a slap single and Trammell to come through with another to score two more.

That is if our bullpen didn't disappoint us, as it has all season. Marichal did okay, but after the restraining order the pitchers filed against me, I was forced to let him sit the rest of the game after only 100 pitches. Too early for Mo, I reckoned, so that left me to trust Luke Gregerson. I admit being nervous, but what do you know. He tosses a gem of a relief inning and the Dragons go down 1-2-3. Mo comes in and does his thing and that's it. I'm shaking at the end because even though this game was pointless in the grand scheme of things, I never felt so much tension when it would not lead to a play off spot or improve my chances of not being sent to this "Gauntlet" that I keep hearing about.
Oh. I spoke with Robert_Deadford. I didn't think the Poles had a monarchy any more, but he was wearing a crown and some an ermine-trimmed cape. Tacky. He lost the division to the Mexicutioners, but he seemed at peace with it all. Said something about "next season" and laughed a bit. Does he know something? I don't fancy my odds of the Gauntlet but if he's found some way to avoid it I would like to know.

Melissa doesn't know about the Gauntlet. All she knows is that I left a cushy job in DC for this and doesn't understand why I'm shaking every night and why I've got this date circled in red in every calendar I own. I haven't told her that this could be the end of the road for the team...and for me. A finality that should be reserved only for the good Lord but now we sit in judgment by capricious men who would watch us play for their amusements with an unspeakable penalty for failure. I met with the Boss just after the game. He had some plans, maybe some more landscaping of the stadium. We'll get our stars back, he says. I am doubtful that he can mend broken tibias with a snap of the finger, but this place is strange enough that I nod and swallow the lump in my throat.

I am leaving this diary in a place where Melissa can find it. Maybe, if the team is destroyed, I shall go with them because it was my fault. All of it my fault. One of the greatest collections of talent the game of baseball has ever seen and we place behind a team literally named after a raging coal mine blaze. That is my penance.

If you find this Melissa, I love you. I'm sorry I could not tell you this, and I hope that if the maelstrom at the end of all things claims the team and me you would forgive me for my failures. The will has been updated and I made sure the house was paid off before I prepare the team for our final challenge.

XOXO,

Dusty Baker

A FINAL POSTSCRIPT FOR A DEPRESSING SEASON

- Teddy with two dingers. That's what I'm talking about.

- Speaker BABIP report: .274!

- The dangers of a dinger-friendly stadium is allowing someone like York dinger. Given that your team is much more able to dinger than other teams, this is an acceptable dinger tradeoff. Dingers.

- I don't what to make of Marichal striking out 1 and allowing zero walks. It makes no sense.

- The infield defense seems to be working fine for the Dragons, at least. Shame about that lack of power. And contact. And plate patience.

Frank Gaiman posted:

THE TIME OF THE TWIN CITIES TRIAD DRAWS NEAR

Brookings - These are turbulent times for the Super League.

Perennial powerhouses like the Mitchell Kernels are doomed to extinction. The Marauder Syndicate is listless, its final franchise likely doomed to demotion where a team of lesser writers will repeatedly fail to capture their noir greatness.

In their stead, an insurgent campaign led by none other than Pash's Minnesota Commission and Zodiac5000's South Dakota Marmosets are not only in the postseason, but have more than a puncher's chance of going all the way.

To make matters worse, the Brookings Dinosaurs, a franchise whose biggest accomplishments are "haven't died quiet yet" and "placed second in a non-sanctioned tournament" easily clinched their Subpar division and are promoting to the Super League.

Today's game between the Dinosaurs and Jobbers was largely meaningless; the Dinosaurs already clinched home field in the first round of the playoffs. Accordingly, the game itself fwas pretty non-descript.

Harry Heilmann only has 11 doubles on the year; that's kind of surprising, I guess. But really, nothing of note happened in this game.

And Armitage certainly wasn't going to bother talking about it. His comments were, quite literally, "Haha, Rance Mulliniks was a player/coach for a while! Rance! He looks like everyone's favorite 80s TV dad and/or gym teacher!"

Forzelt entered the room, groomed immaculately in a button-down shirt and pleated pants. But no tie! (See, I remember.)

"Yes, run along now, Armitage. The adults are talking."

Armitage obliged.

Forzelt addressed the audience. "Next week, we will begin our march to the Super League in earnest. As we demonstrated today, we play a non-descript brand of baseball that is nonetheless effective. As we disposed of the Jobbers in a meaningless game today, so too will we dispose of them in the playoffs."

A reporter yawned, but managed a question. "But when you promote, you'll be up against the other members of the Twin Cities Triad. That's interesting! Rivalries and stuff, right?"

Forzelt smiled. It was a thin, bloodless smile. One might've called it offputting were it more memorable. "No, I am afraid you are mistaken. You see, when we win the Subpar League finals, we will choose a division where we are no threat my compatriots Pash or Zodiac5000. There will be three Triad teams and we will work in unison."

The reporter rubbed his bleary eyes. "To what end?"

"To rob the Super League of its most interesting storylines. You see, Sodak is a bland place. That is how we like it. It is a place where the most mild of salsas are considered exotic, and a place where even the 'sriracha' you east coasters are so impressed with is punishable by death. We await out deaths as we play baseball. There is nothing interesting."

The reporter who'd asked the question had long since dozed off, but thankfully his snore roused another reporter. "But wait a second! Some of the Sodak crew's storylines are pretty interesting! Threshers! Chelsea Baker! The workings of Bureaucratus."

Forzelt solemnly nodded. It was a perfect gesture, his head swiveling on his neck completely on the Y-axis, with no strays to the left or right. "It is understandable you might think that. Yet consider."

He turned on a projector to display a PowerPoint. And not one of the rare interesting ones. The kind where it's just text on a white background and the person reads it to you. Indeed, that's precisely what he did.

"What will be threshed when the threshers have threshed all apostates? WIth three Sodak teams in the Super League, and the Mitchell Kernels and Marauder Syndicate meeting the Great Thresher, the threshers will be quiet. The time for threshing is over."

He clicked to the next slide.

"Chelsea Baker has left a trail of violence in her wake, it's true. Yet in so doing, she has cowed anyone who'd dare challenge her. Look what she did to the Akabira Killer Mikes, maiming both Carl Mays and Rube Waddell, and costing them a playoff berth. No, I think other teams have learned their lesson when it comes to messing with Chelsea Baker. She will continue her next campaign unmolested, the threat of violence always lingering, but never exercised. That avenue, too, is closed."

He clicked to the next slide.

"As for Bureacratus: when all three of us are in the Super League, clearly the entire league will end up serving in his name. He will cease to be a novelty. He will become normalized. Covering Bureacratus would be the Super League equivalent of watching C-SPAN. And not the part where you get to listen to insane racist callers. The normal kind where you have to look at Henry Waxman's face."

The reporter stared, mouth agape.

"And now I must leave you to prepare for the playoffs. By the power of the walking taco--which also has no salsa, mind you--we will institute a new era in the Super League. One which Smasher Dynamo will be forced to adjust to."

"WIN TWINS."

And then he was gone.

GAME NOTES

- Seriously, this game was boring as hell.

- The End.

Armitage posted:

All righty, we're refreshed and ready for the postseason! Time to undo all the damage from Rance Mulliniks' week in charge.

code:

25 Man roster:

C	Bill Dickey
1B	Jimmie Foxx
2B	Buddy Myer
3B 	George Kell
SS	Arky Vaughan
LF	Babe Herman
CF	Joe DiMaggio
RF	Harry Heilmann
	
Bench	
OF	Harry Hooper
C	Ernie Lombardi
SS	Cecil Travis
OF      Bob Johnson
2B/OF	Riggs Stephenson
LF/1B	Willie Stargell
	
Pitchers	
SP	Rick Reuschel
SP	Don Sutton
SP	Mel Stottlemyer
SP	John Smoltz
SP	Babe Adams
RP	Lindy McDaniel
RP	Pedro Borbon
RP	Tim Burke
RP	Ron Reed
SP	Chief Bender
RP	Jerry Koosman

code:

Lineups:

no DH, vs. RHP/LHP
1. 2B Buddy Myer
2. SS Arky Vaughan
3. CF Joe DiMaggio
4. C Bill Dickey
5. 1B Jimmie Foxx
6. RF Harry Heilmann
7. LF Babe Herman
8. 3B George Kell
9. Pitcher

vs. DH, RHP/LHP if we get that far
1. 2B Buddy Myer
2. SS Arky Vaughan
3. CF Joe DiMaggio
4. C Bill Dickey
5. 1B Jimmie Foxx
6. RF Harry Heilmann
7. DH Babe Herman
8. LF Bob Johnson
9. 3B George Kell

code:

Pitching staff:

Rotation:
1. Rick Reuschel
2. John Smoltz
3. Babe Adams
4. Mel Stottlemyer

Bullpen:
Closer: Pedro Borbon
Setup: Chief Bender
Short Relief: Tim Burke
Short Relief: Lindy McDaniel
Middle Relief: Ron Reed
Long Relief: Jerry Koosman
Mop up: Don Sutton

No personal catchers!

Ice To Meet You posted:

gyroball posted:

So what's up next for us EC pretenders? I'm sorry for being kinda absentee. lol I put off joining for so long before I join and then finally join when I'm in crunch on releasing a video game. Go me.

Harlock posted:

Is it possible to get a record for the Super Stars by half? I feel like the 2nd half was a lot better, but probably not!

gyroball posted:

So what's up next for us EC pretenders? I'm sorry for being kinda absentee. lol I put off joining for so long before I join and then finally join when I'm in crunch on releasing a video game. Go me.

posted:

BANG, ZOOM, RIGHT TO THE MOON - ZEPHYRS OVER LANDERS, 9-1

All the pundits had the Burns Zephyrs as favourites in this series, but mrnoun was not concerned. Hours before the first pitch of Game 1 of the Expansion Cup finals, he spoke to the media.

"I do not fear Kensei, Charles Montgomery Burns, and their Zephyrs," mrnoun stated confidently, "There's no spirit to them. They're plain. Generic. Cookie cutter. They're like Cheap Trick compared to my King Crimson. Because unlike Cheap Trick, I'm innovative and creative. I put out classics that will live forever, not the same boring song about love. Tonight, you'll all see just what the Landers are capable of."

In the top of the first, it seemed as if mrnoun's words had weight to them, as Dale Murphy launched a 2 out, Jim Creighton pitch over the wall to give the Landers first blood in the series. It would be the first of only two hits Creighton would give up in six innings of work. The same could not be said for Landers starter Mario Soto, who gave up 3 consecutive doubles to Rickey Henderson, Willie Wilson, and Honus Wagner to put the Landers behind 2-1 before a single out was recorded. However, mrnoun kept his faith in the right hander, knowing that an early visit to the bullpen in Game 1 of a series would be a huge blow. It wasn't until the Zephyrs had amassed a 5-1 lead that Soto fanned George Brett to record the first out of the inning. The next batter, Ted Simmons, walked. Robin Yount then brought in Cap Anson with a double of his own to make it 6-1 Zephyrs. Henderson, in his second at bat of the inning, would bring in Simmons with a sacrifice fly, followed by Wilson notching his second RBI of the inning with a single scoring Yount. Finally, mercifully, Honus Wagner grounded out to end the inning, but the damage had been done. Zephyrs 8, Landers 1.

To Soto's credit, he recovered well in the 2.1 innings he pitched after the 1st. He struck out 3 batters, only gave up 3 hits, all of which were inconsequential. Unfortunately, mulligans don't exist in baseball, and he was struck with the loss in today's eventual 9-1 final.

After the game, kensei spoke to the media, "As the assistant of Mr. Burns, I give you his post-game comments on his behalf," he pulled out a piece of paper and cleared his throat, "'Excellent.' Are there any questions?" One reporter raised her hand and questioned kensei's status as assistant. "With Waylon Smithers helping ManifunkDestiny assemble the Springfield Isotopes, Mr. Burns was in need of an assistant and wanted a responsible person by his side. Pander was unavailable, which left me."

Another reporter asked if the prospect of returning to the Super-League for the first time since SL12, before the Sub-Par existed, excited him. "Oh, for sure. I'd been a part of HulkaTeam for so long before we disbanded after the Doritos perished, with none of us ever actually making it to the Super-League alongside Matt, that I think if we're in the same league, we'll have a dynamic rivalry."

Yaya notes!
- I cannot resist the urge to talk about how much I loving hate Cheap Trick. I work at a radio station and when they come on I get irrationally upset.
- Every member of the Landers struck out at least once this game, 12 Ks in total, yikes.
- Outside of Homer at the Bat I have never heard about Cap Anson until now. Apparently he was a Hall of Famer! How about that.
- No seriously, tell me a member of the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame shittier than Cheap Trick.

Frank Gaiman posted:

LANDERS BLOW CHANCE TO EVEN SERIES, ZEPHYRS TAKE 2-0 LEAD

Springfield - The Landers came into this series knowing they were severe underdogs. Sure, Joe Jackson was injured and the Zephyrs were playing with a short squad, but this was still a 100-win juggernaut. If they were going to win the series, they’d likely need a split to open the series.

And it looked for all the world like they’d get one. Fernando Valenzuela gave up a two-run homer to Willie Wilson (in for the injured Jackson; funny how that works) in the first inning, but then the Landers went to work.

With two out, Jeff Kent slapped a single to right field. He then engaged in an impressive array of stretching.

During this period, Zephyrs starter Matt Harvey had to stay on the mound. He wanted to pitch. Oh, how he wanted to pitch. But he couldn’t--the umpires still had the game in time out.

The delay took so long that Harvey felt the pressure building in his bladder. If he didn’t urinate soon, he’d risk severe injury. But no, he figured. Surely he would not be undone by a swollen bladder.

WIth the game back on, he unleashed fastball after fastball, but couldn’t find the zone. Gary Carter and Ozzie Smith both worked walks, and suddenly Harvey found himself facing a bases-loaded situation with Tim Raines striding to the plate.

Harvey jumped ahead with a get-ahead fastball, then decided to go with the curve. He hung it, and Raines deposited it into left field for a grand slam, putting the Landers ahead 4-2. They’d add another run later in the inning and stake Fernando to a 5-2 lead.

Alas, he couldn’t hold it. In the third, he gave up a two-run homer to Eddie Murray to cut the lead to 5-4. He faced Murray again in the fifth, and he homered to tie it at 5.

That wouldn’t have been so bad, but after the disastrous second inning, kensei enlisted some San Diego Chargers fans to catheterize Harvey. Now he could pitch without fear of pissing himself--or, more accurately, piss himself without anyone knowing it. And, like so many dumb Matt Harvey things, this approach worked, as he allowed only two more baserunners the rest of his outing.

Harvey may’ve no longer been leaky, but Valenzuela certainly was. He gave up a sixth run to put the Zephyrs ahead 6-5, and Octavio Dotel--he of the double-digit win total for a surprising Landers squad--couldn’t stop the bleeding. He gave up another run, and Lee Smith failed to the tune of three more to put the game out of reach. A game that seemed eminently winnable at 5-2 ended up a 10-5 blowout.

Mrnoun was none-too-pleased. “You’ll see. You’ll all see. True, I lost this game and it’s a setback. But soon enough my true purpose will be revealed!”

Editor’s Note:: Depending on if cbx actually has time to write a recap, mrnoun’s true purpose may remain a mystery. Much like ALF, premature cancellation might mean you never learn how things end up. Such is the fate of Expansion Cup programming.

Anyway, kensei had some comments about Harvey, but most of them were along the lines of “This freaking guy talks about Qualcomm and his piss too much and if I ever see him in a critical situation again I’m gonna have to yank him. Jeez, what a weirdo.”

GAME NOTES:
-You’re right! It is tough to write recaps without the play-by-play.
-Tim Raines was a surprising power bat this season for a couple teams.
-Willie Wilson, who’s only in as an injury replacement, had the two difficult hits while trying to hit for the cycle.

Frank Gaiman posted:

ZEPHYRS MOVE ONE GAME FROM CHAMPIONSHIP WITH 6-1 WIN

The loving Moon - If the Landers are going to unveil their grand plan, they drat well better do it sometime soon.

Nolan Ryan squared off with Ron Guidry today, hoping to hold serve and put the Landers back in the series. And, for a while, it looked like he might. The Ryan Express matched Louisiana Lightnin’ for four innings.

And then Willie Wilson struck.

Willie Wilson, who’s not even supposed to be playing. He’s an injury replacement for Joe Jackson. And, further, I really no longer have any recollection of changing out the outfielders for kensei. I remember doing mrnoun’s changes, and I remember doing something with Dave Steib in short relief, but I seriously don’t remember changing kensei’s lineup. So maybe Willie Wilson shouldn’t even be there.

Anyway, if this continues, he’s gonna be the series MVP. He opened the scoring in the fifth with a two-run homer off of Ryan. That was all the help Guidry needed.

Guidry somehow fanned nine Landers despite facing a lineup with a lot of guys who should’ve mashed lefties. Dale Murphy had an especially bad day, as his booting a ball in center field allowed Nap Lajoie to advance to second on a single and score an unearned run on a Cap Anson single. Then he grounded into a double play with first and third, one out, snuffing the Landers’ only chance at offense on the day.

Barring a cosmic shock, this series looks like a fairly dull romp. Kensei didn’t even bother to attend the postgame conference, instead electing to put up plastic covers to protect against champagne showers in the locker room.

As for Mrnoun..he was nowhere to be seen. Plotting, perhaps. Seriously, cbx, where are you?

GAME NOTES:
-Mogul’s kind of silly. Kensei doesn’t have great options in his pen, to be sure, but I’d have expected something better than Collin McHugh coming in to mop up the game.

The Commander posted:

LANDERS BRING ZEPHYRS DOWN TO EARTH, WALK OFF WITH WIN

Mr. Noun is a Super League legend and the Luna Landers mere presence in the Expansion Cup finals with a team constructed largely of Astros over the span of 10 minutes shows that the legend is well earned. In spite of being down 3-0 and facing a sweep at the hands of the Zephyrs the legendary owner was not intimidated. Before the game he chose to address reporters.

“This is just part of my plan, to beat a giant you have to lull them into a false sense of security. Sure Kensei probably thinks that he can just turn it up at any time or wait for a home game and his top of the line starters to finally end the series, but we’re the Landers and they aren’t. Plus I’m pretty sure nobody, including any higher powers that may exist, want a replacement member of Hulkateam to be allowed to make it to the Super League, that would just break the way the universe is structured. ”

The game opened promisingly enough for the Zephyrs, staking out 1-0 and 2-1 leads against JR Richard, who is apparently a person that has a shockingly good win percentage for playing a large chunk of his career with the Astros. Commissioner’s Note: Holy poo poo, kids these days. The Landers managed to tie the game up in the bottom of the second and from there it got weird.

After having scored seemingly at will in games 1-3, the Zephyrs bats suddenly found that they were struggling to do, well, anything, striking out 8 times and finding out that the ball wouldn’t carry in the slightest in the winter weather.

In the 9th inning, Jeff Kent stepped up to the plate, taking multiple extended stretches every time he fouled the ball off and just generally being a weird dude. 35 minutes after the at bat began he finished stretching and fouling off long enough to send home the game-winning run, guaranteeing that The loving Moon would host a third game in the championship series.

After the game Mr. Noun was nowhere to be found, though reports from the clubhouse indicated that there was a strange sign over his office that said “plotting” above it.

GAME NOTES:
-Yes it’s the postseason but the amount of Landers members batting below .200 is somewhat astounding.
-Honus Wagner had a throwing error. For some reason this doesn’t surprise me in the slightest
-Dan Quisenberry pitching a critical inning in a championship series is unfortunate.
-If FairGame runs the EC again can somebody smarter than me help him find a way to share the play by play?
-Jim Creighton is next up in the Zephyrs rotation so he’s bound to end the series, right? RIGHT?

Charles Boyd Xavier posted:

JIM CREIGHTON, OFFENSE HAVE NO GOOD, VERY BAD DAY

Game 5. Time was running out on this reporter’s efforts to discover the true purpose of the Super-League, and by extension, the Sub-Par League and the Expansion Cup. mrnoun’s Landers had sputtered their way into a 3-1 series deficit, with their team-oriented offense all seemingly falling dead for the majority of the series. This made my task much more difficult, as mrnoun had taken to sequestering himself in the Landers’ locker room before, during and after games; The sounds of metal being hammered out, fluids flowing and an unholy dirge from the musical artists known as Pink Floyd permeated the air outside of the clubhouse. I had no easy way to talk to the players, or the manager. I needed more sources. And so I chose to speak with kensei, the erstwhile skipper of the Zephyrs, and see if I could decipher anything from his incessant Hulkateam prattling.

But first, as part of my contract, I must mention that there was an Expansion Cup final game played, and that there was a legal, satisfactory ending to the game, with the Landers extending the series with a 4 to 1 win over the Zephyrs, with the Landers’ offense able to scratch out 4 runs, all earned, against Jim Creighton, who scattered 10 hits while walking 2 and striking out 8 over 132 agony-filled pitches. Tim Raines led the offensive charge for the Landers, going 2-4 with 2 runs scored and 2 RBIs.

I snuck towards a nondescript clubhouse door, with a simple sign placed on it stating “Winners Inside” letting me know that I had found the confident visitors’ locker room. Inside, I heard a man mumbling, seemingly to himself. As I knocked, the voice quieted, and soon enough the door swung open.

“Ah, you must be the reporter Xavier. I’m kensei, and just letting you know, I have no clue about anything. My lawyer advised me not to talk to you even if I did know anything. So sorry, please find your way out!”

The door was quickly closed in my face, and I was left with an unshakeable resolve to confront mrnoun right there and then, so I sprinted off to the other side of the stadium, dodging faceless stadium workers and multiple swanky golf carts until I again heard the opening strains of Money by Pink Floyd. I raised my foot and slammed down the door, and then cursed for about five minutes straight as a shard of the door found its way into my calf muscle. Once I was able to collect myself, wipe away the blood and tears and triage the wound, I hobbled inside to find mrnoun playing an air guitar, eyes closed, lost in his own world.

“Mrnoun! You’ve been in this league longer than most… what is going on here? Why does your locker room smell like patchouli oil and Old Spice? What is Smasher playing at, with his god-machinations?! ANSWER ME!”

Mrnoun looked startled at the sound of my voice, then relaxed and held up his hand, with some weird, metallic object in his palm. I couldn’t make out the dimensions of the object, as every time I tried to focus upon it, it seemed to grow fuzzy and shift shapes, making it incomprehensible to my mind.

“I guess, since this is almost over, I can tell you. I’m here to distract you, to distract everyone. Smasher is planning something big. This is a test run, for when the real thing comes. You think that we’re all here willingly? No… far from it. Our minds resonate with a similar frequency, man. We are the cogs in the machine. Smasher’s machine. And the way out is in the music, man. Just listen... “

And then my world began to fade to black. The last thing I saw was mrnoun walking past me to greet someone who had just sidled in behind me and took a club to my skull. I saw mrnoun hold out his hand and transfer the strange object, and then I heard an unearthly hiss, that sounded like… pleasure? And then I heard the last words I would hear for hours.

“It was about time you showed up. I kept him distracted, fed him some bullshit story. What are you going to do with this?”

“His ban from the league was only the first step. I must exterminate Bruzer, both psychologically and physically. This… this is the key.”

When I came to, everyone was gone. The stadium was cleared out. I had lost a lot of blood, judging by the puddle around my legs. And I only had my recorder on me, to help me piece together what had happened here. I think… I think that he wanted me to know. He wanted me to tell everyone, and he wanted me alive, still. Whomever Bruzer is… he should expect the apocalypse quite soon.

GAME NOTES:
-Jeff Kent had 2 doubles, and a .316 BA after this game. He deserves a closer look in the Super League, certainly.
-Rickey Henderson has a .167 BA this postseason, and 2 stolen bases. Man, that’s just Rickey being Rickey.
-Hey Zephyrs, that George Brett is only hitting .111. I’ll take him off your hands, can’t have a guy like that dragging your team so far down.

the commander posted:

Post Game Interview with Kensei, Manager of the Burns Zephyrs and Assistant to Mr. Burns
Q: After struggling during your games at the Landers, were you ever at all worried about game 7 being forced? It was 3-3 before you started to pull away in the fifth and sixth innings and Mr. Noun had shown a remarkable ability to vex the Zephyrs hitting.

K: Not particularly, my lawyer, Mooseontheloose was ready to file for an injunction with the commissioner to keep that embarrassment from happening so really we just needed to--

Q: Wait, the owner of the team with a name that’s really just a 28 year old political joke? You do realize he’s not a lawyer right?

K: Of course he is! he’s part of Hulkateam! And given that he keeps on saying things like “I’m not a lawyer and could get in trouble for that” shows that he’s a great lawyer

Q: ...

Q: Still, why would the commissioner have made an injunction if you hadn’t stumbled your way into not blowing this game?

K: Because, do you know what happens to people who make Hulkateam angry?

Q: Nothing?

K: Exactly, and don’t you think that’s going to change some day? Hulkateam has shown that it can get away with figurative murder through its immunity agreements, given that we now have a billionaire on staff we can definitely expand our reach.

Q: Umm, moving on, how did you know that Matt Harvey needed to leave after 6 strong innings? Was it his 110 pitches and the 8-3 lead?

K: No, it was because he walked up to me with a devilish look in his eyes and said “Give me the ball.” Now I’ve learned a lot over the years, one of the things I’ve found is that if Matt Harvey demands to stay in the game, that means that you immediately pull him, put some duct tape on his mouth, and then freeze him in carbonite or else he’ll turn a critical World Series game into an extra innings blowout because he’s Matt Harvey. Also the piss thing.

Q: What were you thinking when Jenrry Mejia pitched the 9th?

K: **** my m*********** bullpen

Q: I see, why Jenrry Mejia?

K: Because that man is going places, I can really tell that he’s dedicated to the game, and is a true character guy. Just the other day I saw himself sticking a needle into his rear end to as a motivational too, something about how it energized him to take on a bully he called Rob Manfred. You just can’t not use someone with that level of dedication.

GAME NOTES:
-The Burns Zephyrs are really good and I’m intrigued to see what they do in the Super League
-I am not smart enough to analyze or intelligently comment on The Landers

mrnoun posted:

It doesn't really matter, because it's just the EC, but I thought I had Ryan scheduled for game 1 and Richard for game 2. What kind of monster would lead off the league finals with Mario Soto as his #1 starter?

FairGame posted:

How the hell?

I swear I changed your pitching order. I just loaded up the post-roster changes but pre-running the sim file and they're in there.

mrnoun posted:

Did you switch it so Ryan was "Next starter"? It may have been on the #3 starter, which would explain what happened.

FairGame posted:

Well, thanks to my team loving up spectacularly down the stretch, I am now faced with two gauntlet rounds. On the plus side, this means that FeastMode is willing to gamble that I die.

To that end:

Space Fish trade:
A choice of 1966 Luis Tiant or 1971 Nolan Ryan

WEB Dat Bois trade:
1952 Al Rosen
Granting me the option to swap 4th round dispersal picks if we are within 15 picks (inclusive) in the lottery. In the event the SpaceFish die in the Gauntlet, he keeps the pick.

kensei posted:

Thanks for running the EC FairGame

shepard.shouldgo posted:

Hello fun people , if any of you wish to fleece me, I am looking to acquire a SP3-4 level player to round out my team(as current SP5 options are Winter, Donahue, Cicotte and Shocker, all of whom I detest) . Things that are on the market:

2001 Ichiro Suzuki
1977 Larry Anderson
1962 Willie McCovey
Red Donahue/Winter/Cicotte/Shocker
2010 Joe Mauer
1953 Eddie Matthews/1973 Mike Schmidt platoon

In theory my 1962 Mays or 1908 Speaker are available but they would require an ace level pitcher + something else. I might be open to moving other things on my roster if you have an idea.

Also to note: given that I'm going to my death with a dinger stadium, modern strikeout guys don't appeal to me at all.

https://docs.google.com/spreadsheets/d/1_bF1oJol4TH3WJSGYcg1hUFLvePHDrhidI-wGVVUvbk/edit?usp=sharing

oldskool posted:

I've got deadball strikeouts for days, and I have interest in your Ichiro and Mauer, and would be interesting in discussions regarding the additional compensation it'd require to acquire Speaker.