"Anonymous Confessions: The legend of pissbitch".

The Something Awful Forums > Archives > Comedy Goldmine > The Goodmine > "Anonymous Confessions: The legend of pissbitch".

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Carth Dookie: Jan 28, 2013

Inzombiac posted:

My real confession is that I once slept with a girl who 100% thought she was a werewolf. She claimed to have been raised in Valhalla by two giant wolves that imbued her with the power to shape shift.
Of course she wouldn't show me because I was a mortal and she wasn't allowed.

Did she insist on doggy style, demand you howl during ejaculation and then unfavorably compare you to her husky because "the husky knots."?

# ? Jul 27, 2016 04:23

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# ? May 9, 2024 22:53

Inzombiac: Mar 19, 2007; PARTY ALL NIGHT

EAT BRAINS ALL DAY

No. Unfortunately she was very normal otherwise aside from being pretty dumb and unambitious.
As if that wasn't enough, she firmly believes in old gender roles and any deviation is in defiance of the natural order. She longed to be a kept woman. Ugh...

# ? Jul 27, 2016 05:37

Stunt_enby: Feb 6, 2010; by Jeffrey of YOSPOS

Inzombiac posted:

No. Unfortunately she was very normal otherwise aside from being pretty dumb and unambitious.
As if that wasn't enough, she firmly believes in old gender roles and any deviation is in defiance of the natural order. She longed to be a kept woman. Ugh...

...you sound a little morally inept to me, friend.

# ? Jul 27, 2016 05:52

Solice Kirsk: Jun 1, 2004; .

Oddly enough I had a girlfriend that thought she was really a werewolf too. She got four teeth marks tattooed on her neck and continuously lied about it being a tattoo. She pointed out that her new healing powers actually caused the punctures to close and scab up with in a couple days as "proof." She lied so much about anything and everything though that I really think she believed the stuff she was saying. She also told my best friend at his birthday party that she was pregnant, but I wasn't the father and that an angel was.

Honestly I kind of miss the crazy she brought. Last I heard she moved to New Orleans (of course) and died when she passed out in a running car in a garage. Really don't know if that's true or not since her friend that told me that also told me she died in New York of a drug overdose.

# ? Jul 27, 2016 06:11

H.H: Oct 24, 2006; August is the Cruelest Month

quote:

I wish I could just cut off my own balls. It's not like I'm ever going to use them for anything and my sex drive ruins any interactions I have with women so they can just gently caress off tbh.

Obviously there's no safe way to do it at home so I'm just going to have to suck it up I guess

quote:

I have a gnome fetish, garden gnomes in particular but any gnome will do really. My biggest fantasy is that I discover the garden gnomes are alive and to keep their secret they shrink me and make me their gay sex slave.

From the time I was 12 to about 14 I lived with my grandmother. She collected garden gnomes and kept them in these hug cabinets in the guest room. That's where I wound up sleeping and I guess having my first masturbation sessions in front of dozens of unblinking gnomes sort of had an effect.

When she died I asked to inherit her collection. My whole family thinks it's because I had such great memories of staying there. But I really just like to put them in a circle and lie in the middle while I pretend they're giving me bukakke.

# ? Jul 27, 2016 06:21

Carth Dookie: Jan 28, 2013

Im sorry you were molested by your grandma gnome goon.

# ? Jul 27, 2016 06:26

Nemesis Of Moles: Jul 25, 2007

You can self castrate at home with a big rubber band relatively safely. Good luck and God bless confession goon

# ? Jul 27, 2016 06:56

H.H: Oct 24, 2006; August is the Cruelest Month

I would advise against it.

Not because it doesn't work (the internet taught me that it does), but because GODDAMN.

# ? Jul 27, 2016 07:30

Gobblecoque: Sep 6, 2011

Just slam your dick+balls in a car door over and over again until they're mashed to a pulp.

# ? Jul 27, 2016 08:27

cyberia: Jun 24, 2011; Do not call me that!
Snuffles was my slave name.
You shall now call me Snowball; because my fur is pretty and white.

Non-anonymous confession: After a year of lovely, messy break-up nonsense I filed divorce papers today and I thought it would give me a huge sense of relief but I actually just feel sad and lonely.

:woop:

There's no such thing as closure :woop:

# ? Jul 27, 2016 11:35

Solice Kirsk: Jun 1, 2004; .

cyberia posted:

Non-anonymous confession: After a year of lovely, messy break-up nonsense I filed divorce papers today and I thought it would give me a huge sense of relief but I actually just feel sad and lonely.

There's no such thing as closure

Once it goes through you'll probably feel a bit better.

# ? Jul 27, 2016 12:10

Carth Dookie: Jan 28, 2013

cyberia posted:

Non-anonymous confession: After a year of lovely, messy break-up nonsense I filed divorce papers today and I thought it would give me a huge sense of relief but I actually just feel sad and lonely.

There's no such thing as closure

Once you're in a fulfilling relationship the contrast will make you feel a bliss approaching Nirvana.

Jk you're going to die poor and alone and your body won't be found until a neighbor complains about the smell of your corpse lol

# ? Jul 27, 2016 12:39

Putty: Mar 21, 2013; HOOKED ON THE BROTHERS

at long last, someone who actually enjoyed the Gnome escort quest from HL Ep2

# ? Jul 27, 2016 13:21

Bonzo: Mar 11, 2004; Just like Mama used to make it!

cyberia posted:

Non-anonymous confession: After a year of lovely, messy break-up nonsense I filed divorce papers today and I thought it would give me a huge sense of relief but I actually just feel sad and lonely.

There's no such thing as closure

Who ever remarries first wins. Or if you're older, start banging someone younger than him/her.

# ? Jul 27, 2016 13:21

Jose: Jul 24, 2007; Adrian Chiles is a broadcaster and writer

exethan posted:

drat who was that

its was a thread around the time i joined the forums so i have no idea and probably fake

# ? Jul 27, 2016 20:46

stump collector: May 28, 2007

i know a guy who did a similar bad thing in ~2008 gonna ask him if he has stairs in his house hehe

# ? Jul 27, 2016 20:49

Captain Yossarian: Feb 24, 2011; All new" Rings of Fire"

Nation posted:

goddamit ddbj calm down

Lmao

# ? Jul 27, 2016 21:51

I. M. Gei: Jun 26, 2005; CHIEFS

BITCH

H.H posted:

I would advise against it.

Not because it doesn't work (the internet taught me that it does), but because GODDAMN.

I'm gonna have to ask for details on this.

# ? Jul 28, 2016 00:18

H.H: Oct 24, 2006; August is the Cruelest Month

I read an interview online with a dude who did this. It was years ago, so I don't remember where exactly.
The only detail of the story I have any recollection of is that it was done as a part of a hosed up sexual master/slave situation and they didn't bother waiting until the guy who was about to lose his balls was 100% OK with it.

You can try to find it if you like, I'm sure there are a lot of similar accounts.
You really shouldn't do that to yourself, though.

# ? Jul 28, 2016 01:03

H.H: Oct 24, 2006; August is the Cruelest Month

quote:

I cannot stop myself from watching 9/11 news coverage on youtube. It started semi-innocently one day. I was just wondering to myself "Hrm.... how did NBC cover that day?" because I'm a weirdo and I'm interested things like that. That's probably why I was a virgin until the age of 22.

Anyway, I got really into it. I couldn't tear myself away. It's like I was re-living that day all over again. Anchors break into commercial in their somber announcer voice. The smoking hole in the North Tower is shown. Eyewitnesses are interviewed (most of them are idiots). The 2nd plane hits. Everyone loses their poo poo. And I watch for hours and hours and hours. I'll get bored with one networks coverage shortly after W's speech that night, then I'll find footage from another network and do the same thing. I'll just have it on in the background if I'm doing chores or playing video games or whatever. The thing is, I think by now I've watched all the coverage. All the network coverage, all the local coverages from both New York and DC... I've even watched Canadian coverage and coverage from both Sky News and the BBC. I don't know what fascinates me so much about that drat day and I'm kind of scared I'm getting obsessed with it.

I'm not a truther. I don't believe it was an "inside job" or there was a "controlled demolition" or any of that garbage. I feel bad for being so fascinated by certain parts of that day.

I've also watched hours of news coverage of the Challenger explosion, the Columbia explosion, the JFK assassination, and the 1st WTC bombing back in 1993.

I have no idea how to stop, and I'm not even sure that I want to, as bad as that is. I'm an awful person.

# ? Jul 28, 2016 01:06

Anne Whateley: Feb 11, 2007; i like nice words

H.H posted:

I read an interview online with a dude who did this. It was years ago, so I don't remember where exactly.
The only detail of the story I have any recollection of is that it was done as a part of a hosed up sexual master/slave situation and they didn't bother waiting until the guy who was about to lose his balls was 100% OK with it.

You can try to find it if you like, I'm sure there are a lot of similar accounts.
You really shouldn't do that to yourself, though.

IIRC it was one of the BMEzine April fool's pieces.

# ? Jul 28, 2016 01:07

H.H: Oct 24, 2006; August is the Cruelest Month

quote:

Ok bud I got a few for ya. I'll start off light.

So for my last job I worked with a bunch of older people. Office environment. I'm the youngest one there, by far. I'm not very popular at the place on account of not giving a poo poo about craft shows, DWS or church, and none of the olds even so much as drink. Theres nothing for us to bond over at all, not even the success or failure of the local sports collective.

So one day I walk in late. Well, I should say I snuck in. I get to my desk and start checking my messages when I hear my name being spoken aloud. I perk up and hear my coworkers voice. It was one particularly stupid woman, and she was just cutting me up. Loud. Eventually she stops and heads to lunch and passes my office on the way. She didn't know I as there and flashed my a real surprised and embaressed look.

Flash forward a year (I always wait a year or more before I get proper revenge). I wait until the office is empty from the lunch rush. I head into her office..

It starts with me scratching my rear end deeply, heartily. I smear the results of my scratches on her mouse and phone, making sure not to leave any obvious signs. Then I notice her hand lotion. It's perfumed and she must use it everyday, I've even seen her put it on her face and neck.

So I grab the lotion and head back to the bathroom. I unzipped, held it over the toilet and pissed about an ounce or so into it. I shook it up real good so the piss didn't seperate from the lotion and put it back on her desk.

Now, this was quite a large bottle an over halfway full. I like to think that she, let's call her my pissbitch, will be vigorously rubbing my piss into her skin for years; face, neck, hands..all coated in my piss lotion.

I picture her bragging about how soft the piss lotion makes her skin feel, how it carries a light fragrance of lilacs (with subtle undertones of musk). Maybe she even offered the lotion to some of the other workers, who knows. Maybe my piss even has some miraculous anti-aging property? Good on them.

Anyway, I've moved on now but I like to think she's still doing her daily ritual, lathering herself up with piss lotion and reaffirming her status as my number 2 pissbitch.

I got some more for you too, bad poo poo my brother. Stuff that no one would ever believe..but it's all true. Terribly true.

quote:

So I just want to warn you sensitive nerds ahead of time that this story involves cattes, and that the story does not end favorably for said cattes.

Yes, it's me again, your friend the lotion pisser.

Now the story I'm about to tell may seem totally outrageous, but I assure you it is all true with not one exaggeration for shock value.

When I was a teenager I did a lot of drugs. Anything I could get my hands on. You know the type. Anyway, for the sake of procuring drugs and alcohol one of the guys I hung around with made friends with an older neighbor. She was in her twenties and had a young husband. They both partied all the time and once we were in their circle we'd party with them. Good times.

One boring summer day 3 of us were lazing around at her house, smoking weed and drinking beer while she puttzed around in the kitchen with something. Not to say she was a happy homemaker or anything, I think may have actually been cooking crack at the time.

So like any good white trash addict she had a collection of various cats, none of them fixed of course, so they were constantly pushing out a stream of kittens.

It's hard to say what turned inside the brains of our young minds and to this day I can't recall if it was anyone in particulars idea or the result of some kind of delinquent hive mind, but what came next would make any sane mind reel: bible baseball with kittens.

After discussing the general rules we set up in 3 corners of the living room. I was first up to bat. Donning some sheets and a paper pope hat, I step up to plate, King James Bible in hand. Tonys up to pitch. A wiry, fit young man clutching a tiny mewling kitten in his large hand by the scruff of it's neck.

Anthony eyes me up wearily, wondering how to pitch the kitten to get it around. He settles on an underhanded toss, which I easily connect with in mid air, sending the baby catte sailing across the room in an arc. It settles after slamming into a piano, falling down onto an iron railing and eventually landing, but not on it's feet.

It was a home run! I had struck that little cock sucker right out of the park, hit it so hard that it didn't want to have anything more to do with the contemptible game. It limped off into the basement, likely never again a fan of the great American pastime.

After that it was much harder to procure further balls, as they had gotten the message as clear as day that the drunken pope man and his bible bat meant loving business.

So we ended the game on a high note, and having committed two grave sins in one act, went to find comfort at the bottom of so many pabst blue ribbon cans.

The next day the woman let us know that the kittens leg was in fact broken. This didn't upset her though, in fact she had witnessed the spectacle and had cheered me on as I rounded the bases. It was all in good fun.

Years later I had asked about the cat, and my friend who still lives in that neighborhood told me he occasionally sees it, and that it is quite unfriendly. He also notes it's strange gait, off a bit but not too noticeable. We laugh an toast the folly of youth. Truly, what wondrous times!

# ? Jul 28, 2016 01:07

lil pissbitch: Mar 8, 2015

H.H posted:

Pissbitch

No...no...not like this...I never wanted this....

# ? Jul 28, 2016 01:43

ElGroucho: Nov 1, 2005; We already - What about sticking our middle fingers up... That was insane; Fun Shoe

I find some idiot using the term cattes somehow more hateful

# ? Jul 28, 2016 01:58

Solice Kirsk: Jun 1, 2004; .

The gently caress is it even supposed to mean?

# ? Jul 28, 2016 01:59

china bot: Sep 7, 2014; you listen HERE pal
SAY GOODBYE TO TELEPHONE SEX; Plaster Town Cop

9/11 goon: I am also addicted to watching horrible poo poo, please join me in hell

# ? Jul 28, 2016 02:00

Kirk Vikernes: Apr 26, 2004; Count Goatnackh

Solice Kirsk posted:

The gently caress is it even supposed to mean?

It's a feline version of a doge. You know, the ones that bork.

# ? Jul 28, 2016 02:37

I. M. Gei: Jun 26, 2005; CHIEFS

BITCH

H.H posted:

I read an interview online with a dude who did this. It was years ago, so I don't remember where exactly.
The only detail of the story I have any recollection of is that it was done as a part of a hosed up sexual master/slave situation and they didn't bother waiting until the guy who was about to lose his balls was 100% OK with it.

You can try to find it if you like, I'm sure there are a lot of similar accounts.
You really shouldn't do that to yourself, though.

Well yeah, that's why I'm asking you to post it. Because you've already done it to yourself.

# ? Jul 28, 2016 02:57

EL BROMANCE: Jun 10, 2006; COWABUNGA DUDES!
🥷🐢😬

Anne Whateley posted:

IIRC it was one of the BMEzine April fool's pieces.

I remember whoever wrote it screwed up as the name changes halfway through.

# ? Jul 28, 2016 03:07

Inzombiac: Mar 19, 2007; PARTY ALL NIGHT

EAT BRAINS ALL DAY

H.H posted:

I read an interview online with a dude who did this. It was years ago, so I don't remember where exactly.
The only detail of the story I have any recollection of is that it was done as a part of a hosed up sexual master/slave situation and they didn't bother waiting until the guy who was about to lose his balls was 100% OK with it.

You can try to find it if you like, I'm sure there are a lot of similar accounts.
You really shouldn't do that to yourself, though.

That "Nullo" interview was fake, sorry.

The cat baseball guy is a horrible person. You can't excuse your past behavior on drugs if you still celebrate it. Probably fake but I've known enough human grease stains to know that it could be real.

# ? Jul 28, 2016 03:13

Solice Kirsk: Jun 1, 2004; .

Maybe they changed the name to protect anonymity. This way it could be any of the rubber band ball removing people.

# ? Jul 28, 2016 03:13

Putty: Mar 21, 2013; HOOKED ON THE BROTHERS

if you refer to cats as "cattes" please strap a dildo to a desk fan and tornado plow your rear end to oblivion

# ? Jul 28, 2016 03:47

ANIME IS BLOOD: Sep 4, 2008; by zen death robot

non-anonymous confession: I don't mind when people refer to cats as cattes

hosed up but true

# ? Jul 28, 2016 03:49

Dinosaurmageddon: Jul 7, 2007; by zen death robot; Hell Gem

Guys everyone stop the rubber band / tether method has been used to castrate male livestock from time immemorial.

FFS it gets numb, purples, shrivels and blackens with necrosis until it falls off.

H.H posted:

You really shouldn't do that to yourself, though.

# ? Jul 28, 2016 03:51

Dinosaurmageddon: Jul 7, 2007; by zen death robot; Hell Gem

Also my 2 cents you don't get to call cats cattes unless you yourself are a godsdamned cat-lover...

e:

Putty posted:

if you refer to cats as "cattes" please strap a dildo to a desk fan and tornado plow your rear end to oblivion

# ? Jul 28, 2016 03:52

value-brand cereal: May 2, 2008

Dinosaurmageddon posted:

Also my 2 cents you don't get to call cats cattes unless you yourself are a godsdamned cat-lover...

Please do not gently caress cats.

# ? Jul 28, 2016 04:10

Reclaimer: Sep 3, 2011; Pierced through the heart
but never killed

I don't think obsessing over disasters is all that bad unless you're getting off on it. Tragedy does weird poo poo to the human brain and sometimes it just keeps coming back around.

# ? Jul 28, 2016 04:13

Vargs: Mar 27, 2010

quote:

When she died I asked to inherit her collection. My whole family thinks it's because I had such great memories of staying there. But I really just like to put them in a circle and lie in the middle while I pretend they're giving me bukakke.

this thread is pretty good, i think

# ? Jul 28, 2016 04:17

Animal-Mother: Feb 14, 2012; RABBIT RABBIT
RABBIT RABBIT

9/11 goon: There were some radio shows broadcasting live all day that day. Howard Stern's 9/11 show is on Youtube, last time I checked. It's horrible, but fascinating to listen to.

# ? Jul 28, 2016 04:25

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# ? May 9, 2024 22:53

Dinosaurmageddon: Jul 7, 2007; by zen death robot; Hell Gem

Reclaimer posted:

Tragedy does weird poo poo to the human brain and sometimes it just keeps coming back around.

S'Truth - that's why it's so good to let it out sometimes, get rid of it somehow. That said:

It's true: I am a godsdamned cat-lover. My current little black number is calling for me to stroke her whilst she sticks her face in a bowl of food, she just tugged on the edge of my shirt so I suppose I must away~ :kimchi:

# ? Jul 28, 2016 04:25

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