"Anonymous Confessions: The legend of pissbitch".

The Something Awful Forums > Archives > Comedy Goldmine > The Goodmine > "Anonymous Confessions: The legend of pissbitch".

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big trivia FAIL: May 9, 2003; "Jorge wants to be hardcore,
but his mom won't let him"

bradzilla posted:

poo poo goon this is gonna blow your mind: how do you know your rear end is clean when you wipe sitting down and can't even see what's on the tp

Standing: 1, Sitting: 0

you look at the toilet paper you dumb poo poo. you dont wipe through between your legs, you go in from the side. goddamn you're an idiot how did you fuckers never learn how to wipe???

# ? Aug 10, 2016 19:45

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# ? May 9, 2024 22:00

yeah I eat ass: Mar 14, 2005; only people who enjoy my posting can replace this avatar

I've always been of the stance that I don't care or want to know how you wipe, as long as you get the job done. If you have skidmarks in your underwear every day and/or have anything close to a poo poo-like odor around you outside of the bathroom, you are not getting the job done and need to consider alternative methods.

# ? Aug 10, 2016 19:49

bradzilla: Oct 15, 2004

-S- posted:

you look at the toilet paper you dumb poo poo. you dont wipe through between your legs, you go in from the side. goddamn you're an idiot how did you fuckers never learn how to wipe???

sorry about your gross lovely rear end

# ? Aug 10, 2016 19:51

Jose: Jul 24, 2007; Adrian Chiles is a broadcaster and writer

poo poo goon just get wet wipes jfc

# ? Aug 10, 2016 19:52

Bonzo: Mar 11, 2004; Just like Mama used to make it!

During an Ontario winter it gets dark at 4:30pm. Kinda awesome if you live further up north but you better be prepared to be snowed in for 3 or 4 days at a time.

# ? Aug 10, 2016 19:53

china bot: Sep 7, 2014; you listen HERE pal
SAY GOODBYE TO TELEPHONE SEX; Plaster Town Cop

I don't wipe my butt because it's a waste of toilet tissue
My crusty brown stains are an environmental issue

# ? Aug 10, 2016 20:09

rezatahs: Jun 9, 2001; by Smythe

Bonzo posted:

During an Ontario winter it gets dark at 4:30pm. Kinda awesome if you live further up north but you better be prepared to be snowed in for 3 or 4 days at a time.

i lived in alaska 20 years and never got snowed in. you retard canucks know what a shovel is?

# ? Aug 10, 2016 20:13

Cosmic Charlie: Apr 6, 2009; How do you do? Truckin' in style along the avenue

bradzilla posted:

poo poo goon this is gonna blow your mind: how do you know your rear end is clean when you wipe sitting down and can't even see what's on the tp

Standing: 1, Sitting: 0

You'd think we'd have mirrored toilet bowls and led lights under the rim by now

# ? Aug 10, 2016 20:27

RatHat: Dec 31, 2007; A tiny behatted rat👒🐀!

You wipe until there's no poo poo on the toilet paper, it's not rocket science. If you want cleaner than that get some wet wipes/baby wipes or a bidet.

# ? Aug 10, 2016 20:38

china bot: Sep 7, 2014; you listen HERE pal
SAY GOODBYE TO TELEPHONE SEX; Plaster Town Cop

i lay down flat on my stomach and have a drone wipe my rear end

# ? Aug 10, 2016 20:44

Nancy: Nov 23, 2005; Young Orc

i just poop into my toilet pig's mouth and then he can lick me clean, win/win

# ? Aug 10, 2016 22:00

kalel: Jun 19, 2012

I don't poop, I just post

# ? Aug 10, 2016 22:02

let it mellow: Jun 1, 2000; Dinosaur Gum

how fat do u have to be to not see poo poo on the toilet paper if you wipe between your legs??????

# ? Aug 10, 2016 22:03

City of Tampa: May 6, 2007; by zen death robot

if you wipe between your legs you are either wiping poop forward onto your balls or you are wiping poop backwards and jamming your forearm into an area that was just covered with poop

# ? Aug 10, 2016 22:05

bird with big dick: Oct 21, 2015

-S- posted:

you look at the toilet paper you dumb poo poo. you dont wipe through between your legs, you go in from the side. goddamn you're an idiot how did you fuckers never learn how to wipe???

I think I've seen a poll on this and a very large number of people do not go in from the side. Like at least 40% or something.

# ? Aug 10, 2016 22:06

big trivia FAIL: May 9, 2003; "Jorge wants to be hardcore,
but his mom won't let him"

FrankieGoes posted:

I think I've seen a poll on this and a very large number of people do not go in from the side. Like at least 40% or something.

and those people are as shameful as the standers

# ? Aug 10, 2016 22:35

kalel: Jun 19, 2012

FrankieGoes posted:

I think I've seen a poll on this and a very large number of people do not go in from the side. Like at least 40% or something.

ewww!

# ? Aug 10, 2016 22:37

Putty: Mar 21, 2013; HOOKED ON THE BROTHERS

loquacius please bear the torch like you did last time i cannot live without cousin loving confessions

# ? Aug 10, 2016 23:54

Haptical Sales Slut: Mar 15, 2010; Age 18 to 49

all conversations eventually come back to poop technique.

I poke my finger deep and twirl to get a nice pattern on the paper.

# ? Aug 11, 2016 00:04

let it mellow: Jun 1, 2000; Dinosaur Gum

City of Tampa posted:

if you wipe between your legs you are either wiping poop forward onto your balls or you are wiping poop backwards and jamming your forearm into an area that was just covered with poop

goddamnit how bad is your coordination of any of this is true

# ? Aug 11, 2016 01:48

City of Tampa: May 6, 2007; by zen death robot

just wiping poop everywhere all the time

# ? Aug 11, 2016 01:49

kaschei: Oct 25, 2005

Wipe until there's no brown and keep wiping until you see red. Pinecones speed the process nicely.

# ? Aug 11, 2016 01:53

kalel: Jun 19, 2012

alternate between making GBS threads and bleeding, constantly, forever

# ? Aug 11, 2016 01:59

loquacius: Oct 21, 2008

Putty posted:

loquacius please bear the torch like you did last time i cannot live without cousin loving confessions

never fear, poopchat will not last forever

Waiting on some mod directives, set to fill in once they arrive

# ? Aug 11, 2016 02:09

Carth Dookie: Jan 28, 2013

Phimosis goon:

Don't be a baby and go see a doctor about your broke dick. If you get it sorted early you might be able to solve it with a steroid treatment instead of surgery. Even if it does require surgery there's worse things than being circumcised

# ? Aug 11, 2016 02:26

CaptainJuan: Oct 15, 2008; Thick. Juicy. Tender.

Imagine cutting into a Barry White Song.

Charles Get-Out posted:

i just poop into my toilet pig's mouth and then he can lick me clean, win/win

*in Flintstones appliance voice* eh. Its a living.

# ? Aug 11, 2016 03:43

crackton: May 9, 2009

Has anyone suggested a bidet for the poop goon ?

There's nothing cleaner than a Europeans bunghole.

# ? Aug 11, 2016 04:04

Cosmic Charlie: Apr 6, 2009; How do you do? Truckin' in style along the avenue

Hell if its that much of a problem just use a car wash mitt like everybody else gently caress

# ? Aug 11, 2016 04:09

Nooner: Mar 26, 2011; AN A+ OPSTER (:

lmbo op got pwnd

# ? Aug 11, 2016 04:15

Dinosaurmageddon: Jul 7, 2007; by zen death robot; Hell Gem

BLOCK MESSAGE OF RESPONSES INCOMING.... :ovr:

H.H posted:

Still in Love with a Sociopath posted:
i'm glad someone acted like i exist even if they think i'm fake too.

he's going to be gone for awhile. i feel like something hibernating or going dead in winter. but he left me with just enough psychological degradation to last.

i thought i wanted advice but there's no advice for me. no one can save a bomb that's destined to go off. something else will hit the trigger before he comes back. or he'll come back, and i'll head that way again.

thanks anyway.

Hey not joking here but I've met and known the guy who created Harley Quinn, modern-day comics' patron saint of codependent psycho-girls. She wasn't real back when her creator (Paul Dini) was obsessively drawing her in order to make her part of the Batman animated series, and yet she's sure as poo poo "real" now, in the sense that she's a character seen in film, games, cartoons, comics, cosplays, etc. On top of all that, Mr. Dini also went on to marry a curvy female magician, who I'm sure shares a lot of personality quirks similar to this dream-girl of his... Regardless, all I'm trying to get at you with this is, puddin', darling, is that ya gotta not get so worked up over what's 'real' and what's 'fake' about yourself just so long as you're taking the time and learning tools to master yourself and your feelings so you can get your hopes and dreams and sense-of-self to a place where you can finally create for yourself a positive, stable, and constructive reality. "If you build it, they will come" is the mentality here, because:

Right now you're "dreaming" of getting to a point where you can "explode freely -like a bomb- as accorded by 'destiny'," either due to this rear end in a top hat guy that hurt & left you most recently, or by "something (or anything) else" that will inevitably trigger it. It sound like a lot of negative wish fulfillment (understandably so) from a person who's constantly paralyzed with fear and doubt and a deep-seated resentment for herself and everything around her.

Guess what snookums, you're both bomb and bomb squad at the same time, so guess who knows which wires are gonna be best to cut in order to disarm that self-destructive trap you're setting yourself up with? Please, disregard whatever tripe I've said earlier if it doesn't jive with your worldview, just so long as what you take from this that you've got to learn how to support yourself as a self-supporting, self-invested individual, and that means seeking out methods of therapy that speak strongly to you and going to talk-support sessions with others as well.
Of course it's easy to blame yourself: who's going to fight back? But how much of what you say to yourself regularly about yourself would even be remotely tolerated if it came from someone else's mouth?
Slowly and surely, over time and with work, you too can learn to be at peace with all the many wonderful ways the world can gently caress you over - and part of that has to do with being able to rely upon yourself.

Love thyself. Love thy neighbor. Don't gently caress thy neighbor- just love them. And again, love thyself, for thou art god, and in knowing oneself you know the face of god.

Moving onward~

H.H posted:

Terribly Jealous of My Coworker Friend posted:
My friend and his wife are gamer nerd types that never argue about anything and think if you have to change your behavior in a marriage you're doing it wrong.
(...)
It's really hard to be happy for our own success when my friend has everything we want and hasn't had to bust his rear end to get it. It's given him and his wife the perception these things don't take much effort to get. Whenever my wife gets depressed and talks about how she always imagined having kids and owning a home in her thirties it makes me particularly bitter that we have struggled and worked so hard and don't have nearly as much to show for it.

Even though your life feels like a never-ending trial I swear to you you're gonna appreciate the ever-living gently caress out of the concrete, hard-won progress you and your wife have been making together in these last years and the years to come. It sounds like you also already know well in advance that your coworker-friend and his well-dowried, "huge tracts of land" insta-homeowner wife are vidya gaming away their cushy lives and cruising down Easy Street on her daddy's sound investments, which is all fun and dandy up until the Rolls Royce of comfort zones breaks down smack dab in the middle of dysfunctiontown and they can't work out how to stop arguing or treat each other like human beings or act like proper and responsible parents. That money differential that's bugging you so much also is going to play a huge factor in how your coworker-friend's life turns out when he and his loaded wife start to having their first actual dispute that can't ignored or smoothed over by gobs of cash and distractions.

Seriously he's gonna have a really lovely life in 5-10 years if he and his wife still haven't worked how to communicate or resolve their interpersonal issues, I can guarantee that. So try not to experience quite so much schadenfreude when you find out his wife's family lawyers took the house and the kids and are still screwing him for every penny in alimony, because seriously I'm telling you right now that this is going to happen so at least if he actually is your friend you should try to give him a heads-up if you see these kinds of emotional-maturity problems looming on the horizon.

Ey, and speaking of -freude:

KomodoWagon posted:

Germans very much like to be as bored as possible at all times, working as much overtime as they can get and then finding lovely pastimes to waste their lives on when they finally get off. It is a state of being that they refer to as "Freude" - scholars translate this word as "happiness," but the two concepts have no real relation.

Happiness and Joy are similar yet distinct sensations, just like pleasure and freude, which considering it's a German word describing a German sensation of happiness it's probably closest to existing in a state of "peaceful complacency."

That being the case, namaste and freude be with you.

H.H posted:

anon posted:
shut the gently caress up nooner

(USER WAS PUT ON PROBATION FOR THIS POST)

H.H posted:

Sorry, nooner.

BTW, why is every post of yours bolded?

Nooner's always been an unapologetically self-important pant-shitter, and now with this fresh new "style" of his it makes it even more obvious! :grin:

So, now that we're on the topic of shatting your pints:

City of Tampa posted:

just wiping poop everywhere all the time

Never stop wiping until you see white or red, is my go-to motto.

Then again, I guess I could also order one of those bidet-like "attachments" that hooks up under a normal toilet seat, and then I wouldn't ever have to re-experience that horrifyingly Sisyphean chore of cleaning out chunky peanut butter from a shag rug carpet using nothing but a paper towel and a bloody rectum to show for it all... Clean up you're butts better GBS! :tutbutt:

BLOCK MESSAGES MISSIVE COMPLETED:... :ovr:

END TRANSMISSION

e:tiny words and letters

Dinosaurmageddon fucked around with this message at 05:12 on Aug 11, 2016

# ? Aug 11, 2016 04:59

loquacius: Oct 21, 2008

hey if anyone here is missing the r/relationships thread I've got a surprise for you

quote:

So to start off I'm a 32 year old dude. My girlfriend is a 27 year old girl. We've been dating for about a year. She's increasingly keen on the idea of moving in together and generally moving forward with our relationship. Here's the problem. She's 27 lived with her parents literally her whole life, works a dead end retail job, participates in our local burlesque scene(Which, in my opinion, is the female version of LARPing), but beyond that has no ambition. And like, I'm not a sterling example of ambition and drive, but I've come to a point where I'm living with little debt and relative comfort, and looking to buy a home in the next year or two.

She literally saps my will to live. She's so lazy I can barely stand it. Punctuality is a foreign concept, and the only thing I hate worse than someone being late is someone making me late. And she does it all the time. In 2014 I weighed somehwere north of 360 pounds, through hard work and not eating like a gigantic pig-man I managed to get down to about 220, but now, through her lifestyle impacting mine I'm back up to about 260. To be fair, I can't blame her entirely, but I don't think it would have happened if she wasn't a part of my life.

We don't have sex. Looking back the handful of times its happened, I initiated, and I can't think of a time wher e she made a move. This is driving me crazy.

The burlesque people she hangs out with are awful. Not from an objective standpoint, but just, from my perspective, the worst kind of body positive, HAES, tumblr weirdos, and I literally cannot stand any but one of them. And the girlfriend hates that.

I know what you're thinking, just break up with her. And I want to. But, and this is the anonymous part, I really do think she'll kill herself if I do. Her last major breakup she apparently just laid in bed depressed for 3 years, and she's more or less told me that if we don't work out, her life is over. So that's my story, stuck in a bad relationship because I don't want to be responsible for a death.

PS: I'm also bisexual which she doesn't know and this 'drought' is making my homosexual urges really tough to ignore.

quote:

Last night I went to a sex party and told a guy how to masturbate, right in the middle of the party. I didn't even offer to let him touch me so he didn't, I just let him look at my cleavage (I was dressed.) He came all over himself and it was really hot. Later I made him find us a private place, and then I pulled my pants down a little so he could touch one breast and finger gently caress me while I rubbed my clit and came.

Later he told me it was one of the 5 hottest, craziest things he ever did. I actually feel bad, it was really tame, for a guy who goes to sex parties. I didn't even touch him at all except at the end I put a hand on his arm when I said goodbye. I kind of feel like it's a big responsibility. To me it was fun but not even top 50 hot.

# ? Aug 11, 2016 13:20

loquacius: Oct 21, 2008

I had no idea burlesque was just fat women LARPing as hot women, that's funny but doesn't really surprise me

but yeah while reading that I was like "I bet with the burlesque thing she's at least fun in the sack" but apparently not. Get out, dude. Don't let her keep you hostage with a threat she hasn't even made. Maybe give her friends or family a heads-up, and if they give you grief for leaving (which it sounds like they might do) tell them to gently caress themselves. That's as far as your obligation extends. She's a grown woman.

# ? Aug 11, 2016 13:25

KomodoWagon: May 10, 2013; by R. Guyovich

Who cares if some loser kills herself jfc

# ? Aug 11, 2016 13:26

loquacius: Oct 21, 2008

Oh and sex party lady, why would you choose to tell us that story if it didn't even register on your hot scale? That basically guarantees you have a better one you could have told instead. :colbert:

# ? Aug 11, 2016 13:29

HerStuddMuffin: Aug 10, 2014; YOSPOS

loquacius posted:

hey if anyone here is missing the r/relationships thread I've got a surprise for you

Thank you, I certainly do. That thread was fantastic until a couple of morons shitted it up and got it locked.

# ? Aug 11, 2016 13:55

loquacius: Oct 21, 2008

HerStuddMuffin posted:

Thank you, I certainly do. That thread was fantastic until a couple of morons shitted it up and got it locked.

speaking of

After a conversation between H.H and Smythe, this thread will :siren:

no longer be posting suicide confessions :siren:

. If you feel the need to make one of those, we would like to preemptively direct you to the resources listed in the OP. H.H will be updating it to include this information as soon as he is out of cat jail.

And cut out the suicide-encouraging poo poo because that'll get this thread closed or gassed and nobody wants that. Lookin' at you, KomodoWagon. :colbert:

# ? Aug 11, 2016 14:00

bradzilla: Oct 15, 2004

LARPing gf goon just dump her, her life is not your responsibility and you owe her nothing

# ? Aug 11, 2016 14:02

kalel: Jun 19, 2012

Goddammit Smythe, stop making GBS more responsible! :catbert:

# ? Aug 11, 2016 14:12

purple death ray: Jul 28, 2007; me omw 2 steal ur girl

You break up with her and send the cops to her house saying you believe she is a threat to herself, basically you have to call her bluff with as much serious consequences as possible. If she has a therapist get them involved too. Then you can ghost and if she still ends up killing herself it's on them and not you.

# ? Aug 11, 2016 14:23

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# ? May 9, 2024 22:00

Rockman Reserve: Oct 2, 2007; "Carbons? Purge? What are you talking about?!"

lmfao three days for posting something someone sent in

way to go smythe, that one post was definitely worse than nooner, dgsw and the rest of the clown brigade continually making GBS threads up GBS, sure. definitely needed to shoot the messenger there, good modding!!

e: this thread can now indefinitely be about wiping your rear end For The Good Of The Community

Rockman Reserve fucked around with this message at 14:54 on Aug 11, 2016

# ? Aug 11, 2016 14:50

The Something Awful Forums > Archives > Comedy Goldmine > The Goodmine > "Anonymous Confessions: The legend of pissbitch".

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