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Don't you just hate THAT guy at your job? You know the one! He's always leaving a dirty coffee cop in the break room! *audience laughs tentatively* You know the guy, you go to lunch and he's at his desk carefully stacking all his pens into a perfectly-balanced vertical tower... *one guy in the audience just really starts busting up* You know, you know, yeah, I can see you in the front, you know what I'm talking about. The guy that merges into the wall every time there's cake in the break room, and he just sits there, just a pair of eyes staring out of the wall as his skin and veins spread out across it, you know the guy! *the audience are laughing now, riotously, a clear, joyous laughter that sounds like music and spreads for miles* Ugh, THAT guy, you ask him what he wants for lunch but he doesn't even hear you because he doesn't have any ears and the entire lower half of his body is spinning and spinning, it's like, woah, what is this, a laundromat? *the audience are loving losing their minds, they're transcendent, their bodies have gone berserk flipping tables and smashing glasses but their souls are floating above the room* And don't even get me started on taxes! Don't even get me started! Don't do it! Don't get me started! Don't let me get started! Don't start me! Do not allow me to begin, or to initiate, or to convey or discuss or present my opinions on taxes in any manner, any sort of tax, sales taxes *the laughter carries to space* property taxes *humanity ascends to a single mind of energy* income taxes *the loud audience member from earlier becomes the leader of mankind* estate taxes *the comedian is the only man who stands apart from humanity, he remains on the stage, microphone in hand, a brick wall behind him, waiting to know when his time is up, but the rest of his kind journey beyond the stars* |
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Aug 27, 2016 15:18
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| # ? May 2, 2024 17:24 |
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FactsAreUseless posted:Don't you just hate THAT guy at your job? You know the one! He's always leaving a dirty coffee cop in the break room! |
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Aug 27, 2016 15:30
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| You ever wonder what it'd be like if we could understand what dogs are saying? I think it'd go a little something... like this *silently opens mouth wider and wider, revealing a gaping maw of lamprey-like teeth* | |
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Aug 27, 2016 15:34
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FactsAreUseless posted:Don't you just hate THAT guy at your job? You know the one! He's always leaving a dirty coffee cop in the break room! https://i.imgur.com/QKTkerO.mp4 |
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Aug 27, 2016 15:41
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What on earth
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Aug 27, 2016 16:09
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jeff smisek posted:What on earth That guy, at your job. ---------------- |
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Aug 27, 2016 17:16
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---------------- |
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Aug 27, 2016 17:18
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That guy at your job is the lynchpin of this world, perhaps all worlds |
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Aug 27, 2016 17:19
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i hate when he brings up politics in the work place. like, when he says that the norn stones have been gathered and his eyes begin to vacillate on a spectrum only semi-visible? and then he's all, but you know the REAL people who should have been gathering the norn stones are the turks? and you can't even say "that's racist" because you're too busy gazing into the eternal wells of his horrible eyes? |
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Aug 27, 2016 17:20
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I try to decry the casual sexism of my shift supervisor, who is that guy at my job, but I am too busy being tumbled into the vast expanse of his tundra maw like a rock being hurtled through the grip of an avalanche. Typical Tuesday for me. |
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Aug 27, 2016 17:21
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My coworker offers me a donut. I bite into it. The donut is stale. I turn to him and his face is alight with a murderous glee at the sight of a frog he is vivisecting on the tips of his fingers. Sigh. Looks like my grievance won't get a look in, as usual. |
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Aug 27, 2016 17:25
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I show up at my house, and my mother in law is there. Uh oh. I know I'm in for it now. You, the audience, understand: she's like a woman, but not one I have any sort of direct family or romantic tie to, but I still have to be around her. Anyway, that's not even the worst of it. Soon she begins to eat me from the legs up. Worse, my wife refuses to take my side. I see samsara reflected in the whites of her eyes as my neck passes through the torsions of her throat. Typical Tuesday for me. |
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Aug 27, 2016 17:28
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Has that ever happened to you? You guys know what I mean? Fellas? Ladies? Anyone? Is there anyone out there with whom I share this experience, or any experience? Please. The stage is so cold. The stage is so lonely. I can't see you, you know. The spotlight is blinding. Are you even out there? Please tell me that's happened to you, that you've been there, that you get what I'm saying. Please. Someone, anyone. And another thing, what's up with that last tiny slice of pizza? |
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Aug 27, 2016 17:38
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And what is the deal with airline food? I mean, you eat it, and next thing you know you want to eat the intestines of anyone who doesn't laugh enough at your next set, just disemboweling them and slurping their entrails up like so much poo poo-filled spaghetti before leaving them to bleed out in the street, am I right? You feel me? |
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Aug 27, 2016 18:02
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FactsAreUseless posted:Don't you just hate THAT guy at your job? You know the one! He's always leaving a dirty coffee cop in the break room! google THIS posted:And what is the deal with airline food? I mean, you eat it, and next thing you know you want to eat the intestines of anyone who doesn't laugh enough at your next set, just disemboweling them and slurping their entrails up like so much poo poo-filled spaghetti before leaving them to bleed out in the street, am I right? You feel me?
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Aug 27, 2016 18:05
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*while living Plato's allegory of the cave* What is the deal? |
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Aug 27, 2016 18:39
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Boy, i tell ya, I don't get no respect. Last week I told my psychiatrist I was thinking about suicide. He said "There is but one truly serious philosophical problem, and that is suicide. Judging whether life is or is not worth living amounts to answering the fundamental question of philosophy. All the rest— whether or not the world has three dimensions, whether the mind has nine or twelve categories—comes afterwards. These are games; one must first answer. And if it is true, as Nietzsche claims, that a philosopher, to deserve our respect, must preach by example, you can appreciate the importance of that reply, for it will precede the definitive act. These are facts the heart can feel; yet they call for careful study before they become clear to the intellect."
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Aug 27, 2016 18:56
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Airline food, am I right?
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Aug 27, 2016 19:21
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Robot Made of Meat posted:Airline food, am I right? you're right. You all know THAT guy, ladies and gentlemen: HE uses up all the toilet paper in your workplace's one bathroom; HE shirks his duties to spend hours in that stall making jackson pollock feces art on the bathroom walls; HE finds new and innovative ways to piss off the janitors... He's THAT guy, bless him. and where would Captain Splashback fucked around with this message at 19:38 on Aug 27, 2016 |
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Aug 27, 2016 19:34
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remember that stuff that was popular before? |
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Aug 27, 2016 22:30
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Me, working hard at my desk: "Hey, Joe, what are you doing over there?" Joe: "Trying to alter space and time." Me, under my breath and rolling my eyes, as the walls begin to shimmer and melt revealing the starry vault of eternity: "Sure you are..." |
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Aug 27, 2016 22:35
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mister magpie posted:Me, working hard at my desk: "Hey, Joe, what are you doing over there?" |
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Aug 27, 2016 23:19
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FactsAreUseless posted:Don't you just hate THAT guy at your job? You know the one! He's always leaving a dirty coffee cop in the break room! ---------------- |
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Aug 28, 2016 03:34
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Jerry is constantly folding in on himself, and he's doing it in a frankly impossible nine dimensions. He says its because he "likes me"and I'm creeped out by it, but maybe not enough to talk to him or HR. Also, I have no idea where his ears are at any given moment or if they are even in this universe. |
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Aug 28, 2016 03:46
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we all know THAT guy who takes the last coffee in the pot but doesn't refill it, and turns any living thing he touches into a desiccated corpse and doesn't refill them either |
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Aug 28, 2016 04:29
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That guy, at your job. Shirtless, in tights. He disarms you, hurls you across the room. Mercilessly beats you. You flee, fingers broken, ruined apartment block sending rivulets of water through the drywall and warped flooring as you scramble for cover. You hear him howling, animalistic, filled with fury and despair. You scramble to the rooftops and in desperation leap hoping to escape on a nearby rooftop, coming up far short and only barely hanging on for life on an exposed, slippery girder. He leaps over, near effortlessly, standing above you in judgement, before grabbing your hand and hauling you to safety, then sitting down to die. You've done a man's job today. |
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Aug 28, 2016 06:37
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You know there are times I worry that I am that guy, but then there's Newman. We're standing there talking at the water cooler and next thing you know he's bleeding from his eyes and chanting "The Far Prince comes!" again and again while his head spins. Plus he was in charge of the fantasy football league and definitely cheated so that Tina would win.
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Aug 28, 2016 07:35
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abbott: who's on first? costello: yes a: no, no, who's on first? c: yes. it is a truth. it is seen a: maybe you're not hearing me. who is on first c: we know this to be true, kinsoul. Hü the Searcher is becoming on first base, the soft, powerful wave of his tulpa thoughtform gently enveloping the audience, and, little by little, humanity at large, in the quintessence of the knowledge that we are all one and always have been; that each of us is at once one and every; that every molecule of this universe and every other is a pearl radiating the possibilities of what has come and what will be; that at once, each of us is everyone and everywhere a: ... c: ... a: so who's on second? c: yes ~sig~ |
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Aug 28, 2016 08:05
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~*
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joke_explainer posted:That guy, at your job. Shirtless, in tights. He disarms you, hurls you across the room. Mercilessly beats you. You flee, fingers broken, ruined apartment block sending rivulets of water through the drywall and warped flooring as you scramble for cover. You hear him howling, animalistic, filled with fury and despair. You scramble to the rooftops and in desperation leap hoping to escape on a nearby rooftop, coming up far short and only barely hanging on for life on an exposed, slippery girder. He leaps over, near effortlessly, standing above you in judgement, before grabbing your hand and hauling you to safety, then sitting down to die. You've done a man's job today. ---------------- |
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Aug 28, 2016 12:57
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You know that guy at work? He's mine. [holds knife in teeth and leaves via the window]
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Aug 28, 2016 13:26
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treasure bear posted:You know that guy at work? He's mine. [holds knife in teeth and leaves via the window] yells out the window after: "This is not gonna look good on my resume!" https://i.imgur.com/QKTkerO.mp4 |
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Aug 28, 2016 13:45
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Tip your waiter, everybody! *looks out over cow pasture* |
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Aug 28, 2016 14:52
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if you dont know that guy at your job its probbly you |
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Aug 29, 2016 01:04
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[the slow yawning horror of realizing that nobody understands your jokes about your period because you are the only person on the planet who bleeds] |
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Aug 29, 2016 01:09
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FactsAreUseless posted:[the slow yawning horror of realizing that nobody understands your jokes about your period because you are the only person on the planet who bleeds] **runs around the office inappropriately screaming "Testicular torsion! Testicular torsion!" prompting people to Google it and groan outward moans of empathetic pain** https://i.imgur.com/QKTkerO.mp4 |
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Aug 29, 2016 01:46
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haha well what about thos bodily function guys, pretty gross and weird, huh?? *robot audience stares in silence* woah, tough crowd |
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Aug 29, 2016 11:02
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to break character, the big running joke is that NPR would eventually produce an NPR baby, born and raised, from NPR journo couples I asked once back when I still in the business and all I got was nods and laughter ---------------- |
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Aug 29, 2016 11:11
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Iä! Iä! My mother-in-law fhtagn! Guys, you know what i'm talking about.
~sig~ |
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Aug 29, 2016 12:17
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*standing in front of dark bathroom mirror* Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary, amirite guys? |
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Aug 29, 2016 12:19
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| # ? May 2, 2024 17:24 |
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thanks for coming out this evening everybody. now i'd like to introduce you to my little buddy. *rolls up sleeve, exposing on his left bicep a twisted, contorted face, eternally screaming in pain* hahah whoa somebody's salty tonight
~sig~ |
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Aug 29, 2016 12:29
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