Carth Dookie posted:

Or just outsource the job to someone else.

Mr. 47 posted:

Holy poo poo, dude.

Definitely don't bring this up in you semi-annual performance evaluation.

Baudolino posted:

Dont let your fetishes be wet dreams.
Pry her with drink and suggest some pissy girly fun.
Dont do this

loquacius posted:

ftfy

Seriously how many drinks would you need to ply her with before "hey know what'd be fun is if you peed on me and called me a bunch of nasty names" became a not-weird request

I think even at blackout-drunk barely-conscious alcohol-poisoning level I'd still be like "uh no thanks, hey Google remind me to fire anon at 11:30 AM"

loquacius posted:

ftfy

Seriously how many drinks would you need to ply her with before "hey know what'd be fun is if you peed on me and called me a bunch of nasty names" became a not-weird request

Brinty posted:

Oh hey, the bathroom line is so long.. Why don't you just piss on me instead.

gigawhite posted:

Just bringing my jellyfish to work today to show him off. Whoops I tripped haha aw butterfingers. Can a homie get some piss help around here?

H.H posted:

Pissbitch Girl Goon

3 page letter goon posted:

Hi everyone, I'm the goon that wrote the three page love letter to who is now my current fiancee. For an update we're engaged (obviously) and plan to get married sometime late next year. I sorted out a lot of poo poo with my old friend (we're friends again), but he still isn't on good terms with her which puts a strain on everything. He's moved on and is living with his new girlfriend and they are moving along pretty quick, but I've never seen him more happy. I think all in all it worked out fantastically well for everyone involved.

As for the letter, I still have it and am going to give it to her either on our wedding day or our wedding night. Depends on how drunk we are before and after. Nothing much else to report, everything turned out great and I'm glad I listened to everyone's advice and took this risk. Really, I've never been happier and don't see any end to it in sight.

quote:

I want to join a cult. When I read about things like the Jim Jones thing or see movies like the Sacrament about it, I always think how great it seemed up until the koolaid part. Just living off the land, not having to think about what to do and just living as a community not bothering with the government and regular society. If there were a cult where everyone was educated and not a bunch of poors like the Jim Jones cult I would join in a heartbeat, as long as I wouldn't have to pester family about it and ask them for money. I'd rather just sever all social ties entirely and begin a new life with a group of likeminded individuals. I mean, having the rest of my life planned out and being given a wife and a family, it would be so much simpler than trying to hunt for one.

If I was anywhere near charismatic enough I'd want to start my own, but unfortunately I've got to rely on other people and doubly unfortunately the only people who seem to start successful cults are mentally ill pedophiles/murderers.

quote:

I am fairly sure I am a sociopath.

I tortured my girlfriends cats by beating them with a stick while her and her housemate were out. This happened every other day probably and they both couldn't work out why the cats hated me.

The reason i did it was because the cats tended to get in between me and the gf, also scratching at the door in the morning really pisses me off. Good news is the cats are so scared of me they stay the gently caress away and no longer annoy me. Mission success!

Mortimer posted:

catgoon you are a sociopath confirmed yes and also a jerk

I had the same problem but the trick is you do the opposite and love the cats like crazy and eventually your gf will be the one to lock them out of the room

cats own just lay em places and theyre warm and make good noises

quote:

I feel like this thread has awakened something deeply uncomfortable.

I have this boss, and ever since I read this thread, I cant stop fantasizing about her pissing on me. And, yes, calling me her "pissbitch." This has become the single most arousing thouht that I ever had.

Here's the twist; I'm a woman, and I had always considered myself completely straight. Up until now I had never had a single sexual thought about another woman. I've even tried looking at porn of guys peeing on girls, but it just doesn't do anything for me. Girl-peeing-on-girl porn does a bit, but nothing like if I close my eyes and picturte my boss standing over me while i'm kneeling and just pissing on me, calling me names, making me call her mommy.

My fiance has no idea, but I think he's starting to wonder why I'm not really interested in having sex with him anymore.

Dr. Gitmo Moneyson posted:

My anonymous confession is that this turns me on.

quote:

I'm a 30 year old male goon and I'm also a plastic surgery fan due to my crippling social phobias and fear of being ugly.

I was a really ugly kid after puberty ravaged me - acne scars, non-symmetrical face, big crooked nose, squinty eyes that were so bad I needed thick glasses just to walk around and not run in to things, grossly thin lips, ears that were too big for my face, a weak chin, and puffy cheeks. Overall, I was a goddamn mess and it really messed with me. I became a bit of a recluse and didn't date or have friends in high school or college.

My freshman year of college my parents offered to get me LASIK surgery as a combination birthday/Christmas present so I wouldn't have to worry about wearing glasses. I went for it and after recovering, felt much better about myself. Not because I could see - but because I thought I looked better. This set me down a long and, frankly, dangerous road to where I am today. I graduated with a degree in Civil Engineering and work as a traffic and bridge consultant for my local Department of Transportation branch. I make $112k a year plus bonuses, and it's a sweet job. I also live with my parents and spend all my money on plastic surgery to look better, since I'm still pretty ugly and not date-able.

I've had major facial reconstruction to reshape my nose, lipo my cheeks and build up my cheek bones, slice back my eyelids a few millimeters so I'm not so quinty, chemical peels for my acne scars, had my ears reduced and pinned back, and had modest collagen injections for my lips.

I'm also in the process now of having calf, buttocks, and ab implants surgically implanted to give me a more fit look. I have to schedule the ab implants still, but calves will be done by this time next month. After all that's done I might look at full body lipo to get a really toned look, but I'm undecided. I've heard that most people lose a lot of weight after the ab surgery anyway, since it's painful to eat too much. Fine by me, I need to lose some weight anyway.

My endgame is to finally look as good outside as I want to feel inside. I'm pretty majorly depressed due to living with my parents and being a virgin, and I know all of this will help change that.

My parents love me but do not support this at all - my father has threatened to kick me out of the house if I don't realize how much money is being spent. I realize this completely, though.

quote:

I hosed up. I went on a cross-country trip to see some friends and go to an event and I ended up very drunkenly making out with a female acquaintance in a very public manner and alienated some people there. My wife found out and my marriage is in jeopardy as well as losing a lot of friends over the deal. I totally betrayed my friends trust that i wouldn't do something like this and I totally did while at the same time being a cocky dickhead about it. He probably saved my marriage by stopping me from going over to her place and hooking up.

hosed up and true.

Also this is sent here because that friend is a goon and cut off all communication with me, so if he reads this, I want him to know that I'm mega sorry. He's a good guy and didn't deserve to be in the center of that drama bomb.

H.H posted:

H.H posted:

plastic surgery goon

Red Suit posted:

Plastic surgery goon please post your nightmare face