"Anonymous Confessions: The legend of pissbitch".

The Something Awful Forums > Archives > Comedy Goldmine > The Goodmine > "Anonymous Confessions: The legend of pissbitch".

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Question Time: Sep 12, 2010

Yeah, definitely find some unrelated, pet free roommates poor goon. You're not your sister's husband, you don't owe it to her to live with her and frankly it's weird that you do.

# ? Sep 2, 2016 14:11

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# ? May 10, 2024 17:33

bradzilla: Oct 15, 2004

wyntyr posted:

Thread delivers

that person regged in 2012 not 2006...

# ? Sep 2, 2016 14:18

loquacius: Oct 21, 2008

Man, if you can't hit up Imgur a lot of the Internet is total poo poo.

What's funny is that they were probably targeting Reddit with that ban but ended up getting a whole bunch of other sites as a side-effect. Facebook, of course, will still function, which is great because your boss probably loves Facebook.

bradzilla posted:

that person regged in 2012 not 2006...

Honestly getting a four-year lurker to make his first post is a pretty good result too :shrug:

# ? Sep 2, 2016 14:59

Bonzo: Mar 11, 2004; Just like Mama used to make it!

Back in the day before we had probation, I can remember that you had to actually consider what you posted or suffer a ban. Now it just seems that if you follow the basic rules and not be a creepy goon you'll be ok.

# ? Sep 2, 2016 15:13

loquacius: Oct 21, 2008

quote:

Hi goons. Im one of the kids who was allegedly molested by Michael Jackson. My confession is that it was all fake. There was no molestation. My parents thought they could get money out of a famous weirdo by making up poo poo, and they were right. I helped destroy one of the kindest human beings that I have ever met, entirely out of greed.

quote:

Hey kids, anon Goon with rich hypochondriac girlfriend here (page 24)-

First off: I'm not sure why my original submission came out as if I typed it up after eating a few bottles of her pills and smashed at the keyboard with boxing gloves - I tried to format it with some BBCode and guerrillamail freaked out I guess. Thanks for your proper advice suggesting marriage and pushing her off a cruise ship, I got some welcome laughs out of it. Some of you suggested riding the wave and using her connections for a good job - I got the distinct feeling a created, high-paying spot was in the cards if I played them right (read: married her). Unfortunately poo poo blew up recently and I refused to agree to impregnate her within the next year... after a lot of deep emotional self-grappling I realized that my sanity/happiness was at stake and bailed. Turns out I'm really not cut out for the trophy house-husband thing as appealing as it is on paper, and gently caress bringing a kid into anything like that.

I will miss the custom-order twin-turbo Porsches. If you ever get the opportunity to take one out through a neighborhood where you know all the cops, and can really whip the thing close to its traction limits I highly recommend you do so... crazed why-not afternoon poo poo like that is enough to make a man consider selling his soul. The 1% is real and the true elite are laughing at them for being media scapegoats. You might be wondering and yeah: they vote straight Republican while moving production facilities to a third-world country.

This weekend I'll probably drive my beat old truck out to the beach and eat a burger without stressing about whether or not the tomato is organic or the lettuce was washed or if we forgot to set the perimeter alarms on her apartment. No one will make me leave after twenty minutes because the water is too cold or the sun is too hot. I wish her only the best, but sadly she has it already and is still miserable. As to me: I'll be forever delitized, permanently middle-class foreverially normalized and loving it.

Money doesn't buy happiness, but it sure as poo poo tries like hell.

A happy, murder-free ending :unsmith:

# ? Sep 2, 2016 19:03

loquacius: Oct 21, 2008

And MJ kid goon, assuming your confession is real: just because it didn't happen to you doesn't mean it didn't happen to anyone. Some of the details I've heard, if that man wasn't a pedophile, he was trying his goddamn hardest to seem like a pedophile. But I'm glad you weren't molested, at least!

e: wait did anyone actually get money out of MJ, I thought the official result was criminal charges of which he was acquitted :confused:

e2: ok I checked again and that was what happened the second time, the first time he settled out of court for a bunch of money

loquacius fucked around with this message at 19:08 on Sep 2, 2016

# ? Sep 2, 2016 19:04

Putty: Mar 21, 2013; HOOKED ON THE BROTHERS

strong bad how do you type with boxing gloves on

# ? Sep 2, 2016 19:12

RideTheSpiral: Sep 18, 2005; College Slice

Putty posted:

strong bad how do you type with boxing gloves on

*runs into thread puffing*

VERY CAREFULLY

# ? Sep 2, 2016 20:00

Ainsley McTree: Feb 19, 2004

loquacius posted:

assuming your confession is real

I have good news

# ? Sep 2, 2016 20:28

smasha2000: Aug 13, 2012

bradzilla posted:

that person regged in 2012 not 2006...

I used to lurk using a friends account. Ask OP if i put "creepy lurker" as the subject of the mail i sent. ...

# ? Sep 2, 2016 22:15

LethalGeek: Nov 4, 2009

Congrats for not knocking up that crazy bitch and having a soul

Sadly some idiot probably will but none of us can stop that...except for pushing her crazy rear end into the ocean yeah you should have stuck to murder.

# ? Sep 2, 2016 22:44

Cumslut1895: Feb 18, 2015; by FactsAreUseless

loquacius posted:

And MJ kid goon, assuming your confession is real: just because it didn't happen to you doesn't mean it didn't happen to anyone. Some of the details I've heard, if that man wasn't a pedophile, he was trying his goddamn hardest to seem like a pedophile. But I'm glad you weren't molested, at least!

e: wait did anyone actually get money out of MJ, I thought the official result was criminal charges of which he was acquitted
e2: ok I checked again and that was what happened the second time, the first time he settled out of court for a bunch of money

So same basic justification as a lynching then

# ? Sep 2, 2016 22:52

Anne Whateley: Feb 11, 2007; i like nice words

Other than the big legal trials with the best lawyers money could buy, and the lack of any punishment, exactly like a lynching.

# ? Sep 2, 2016 22:56

Cumslut1895: Feb 18, 2015; by FactsAreUseless

Anne Whateley posted:

Other than the big legal trials with the best lawyers money could buy, and the lack of any punishment, exactly like a lynching.

I mean the attitude that even if he's innocent it's fine because he probably did something else. Obviously the whole trial wasn't like a lynching.

# ? Sep 2, 2016 23:04

Jose: Jul 24, 2007; Adrian Chiles is a broadcaster and writer

i think global nuclear annihilation would be a good thing for the planet becuase it would recover eventually and humans are bad for it

# ? Sep 2, 2016 23:05

Anne Whateley: Feb 11, 2007; i like nice words

Cumslut1895 posted:

I mean the attitude that even if he's innocent it's fine because he probably did something else. Obviously the whole trial wasn't like a lynching.

I don't think anyone was going that far, it's just that being innocent of one doesn't make him innocent of all.

I feel bad for Wade Robson. He was a kid who was a key star witness on MJ's behalf, then after Jackson died, Robson recanted and said he'd been abused too and he'd been too intimidated to tell. When Robson made those claims, he was one of the best choreographers in the country with a busy career, and he hasn't done anything since recanting afaik, so I don't think it was for the money.

# ? Sep 2, 2016 23:39

loquacius: Oct 21, 2008

Cumslut1895 posted:

I mean the attitude that even if he's innocent it's fine because he probably did something else. Obviously the whole trial wasn't like a lynching.

Define "it" in this sentence please

# ? Sep 2, 2016 23:50

Cacator: Aug 6, 2005; You're quite good at turning me on.

smasha2000 posted:

I used to lurk using a friends account.

mods??

# ? Sep 3, 2016 00:26

Zorodius: Feb 11, 2007; EA GAMES' MASTERPIECE 'MADDEN 2018 G.O.A.T. EDITION' IS A GLORIOUS TRIUMPH OF ART AND TECHNOLOGY. IT BRINGS GAMEDAY RIGHT TO THE PLAYER AND WHOEVER SAYS OTHERWISE CAN, YOU GUESSED IT...
SUCK THE SHIT STRAIGHT OUT OF MY OWN ASSHOLE.

BUY IT.

LethalGeek posted:

Congrats for not knocking up that crazy bitch and having a soul

Sadly some idiot probably will but none of us can stop that...except for pushing her crazy rear end into the ocean yeah you should have stuck to murder.

She's going to meet a man who really "gets" who she is and sees into her soul and isn't afraid to shove her off a murder boat

# ? Sep 3, 2016 03:23

Dinosaurmageddon: Jul 7, 2007; by zen death robot; Hell Gem

Zorodius posted:

She's going to meet a man who really "gets" who she is and sees into her soul and isn't afraid to shove her off a murder boat

I can almost imagine her true beau...

# ? Sep 3, 2016 03:47

RatHat: Dec 31, 2007; A tiny behatted rat👒🐀!

I don't get it.

# ? Sep 3, 2016 09:01

Cumslut1895: Feb 18, 2015; by FactsAreUseless

loquacius posted:

Define "it" in this sentence please

loquacius posted:

And MJ kid goon, assuming your confession is real: just because it didn't happen to you doesn't mean it didn't happen to anyone.

So maybe the (fake)poster lied, but hey he probably still did it

# ? Sep 3, 2016 09:04

Dinosaurmageddon: Jul 7, 2007; by zen death robot; Hell Gem

RatHat posted:

I don't get it.

Eh, the character Niles in the sitcom Frasier had a hypochondriac wife who was excessively rich and a huge pain in the rear end.

# ? Sep 3, 2016 09:24

RatHat: Dec 31, 2007; A tiny behatted rat👒🐀!

But I don't understand how those pictures fit. Maris is definitely the best punchline in Frasier though.

RatHat fucked around with this message at 09:41 on Sep 3, 2016

# ? Sep 3, 2016 09:39

Basch lives!: May 31, 2011; Grimy Drawer; Dinosaur Gum

gently caress dogs. I'm on a roll tongith.

# ? Sep 3, 2016 10:48

loquacius: Oct 21, 2008

Cumslut1895 posted:

So maybe the (fake)poster lied, but hey he probably still did it

(a) that isn't what I said, I said that even if he was innocent he seemed to want to look guilty, and also not having molested one (hypothetical) person doesn't automatically mean he didn't molest any of the multiple people who accused him of molesting them
(b) he received no punishment so the "it" in "it's fine" doesn't refer to anything
(c) I still don't see how saying that a guy who invited kids to apparently-platonic sleepovers at a place called Neverland Ranch seemed to be trying his hardest to look like a pedophile even if he wasn't actually one makes me a literal Klan member

# ? Sep 3, 2016 12:43

H.H: Oct 24, 2006; August is the Cruelest Month

quote:

hi i used to hang with a guy from a very famous band. mostly smoking it up, we jammed a bit and actually i fell out with him because he stole some of my riffs and put them on a record

anyway i dont remember exactly when mustve been 10+ years ago he started getting really into scientology. he wasnt a scientologist just he was interested in it all and the setup. he started talking about how he could start his own religion. we all laughed it off , i won't say who he is but he's kinda not someone people take seriously and his band was sort of known for joke stuff. fart joke songs and things like that. the guy was absolutely LOADED but i guess it wasn't enough and he said his religion would be his retirement plan

he left his band and did some other stuff and he's done some other band, got clothes company i think? i saw him the other day by chance and i asked him about how his religion was going and deadly serious he tells me all about it. he's completely sober now, no weed he says. he says religion is going great he's not started it yet but he's sewed the seeds. he says he sewed the seeds. talking in the press about stuff that makes it seem he had some sort of spiritual awakening or something like jodie foster in "contact" and he says his songs are all vaguely about that kind of thing. he's got a loyal fanbase, people buying his clothes and he says one day he'll officially launch this religion and by then he'd have done enough for him to sell it as a legit thing

sounded weird to me i dont know. so i look on the internet at what he's been up to and looks like he has been doing what he said and maybe hell pull it off. he's asked me to help out with it. a lot of money to be made, his way of making up for jocking my licks. seems shady but like i said i looked at it a bit and i reckon hell pull it off so u dun know

quote:

I don't even know how to start this, I don't know if this will be interesting but it's a confession I guess.

I suffered a lot of physical and mental abuse when I was a kid which has pretty much been brushed off because what happened in the past happened in the past and this is the now. The one time I tried to confront I was greeted with distorted beliefs and that I was poo poo at being a kid so stuff happened.

I know I did some stupid poo poo as a kid, but what child didn't act up? I was in a family that viewed children as the whole "they should be seen and not heard." I also realise that some of the stupid poo poo that I did was because of all of this and also the reasons behind it.

I'm also a father myself, and the only time I heard my father express regret of his actions is when my daughter did something and although I thought at the time I went too far (She was four, started to pretend to wipe a knife with food on it on my trousers and I asked her not too. Which she found funny and decided to do it for real, I bumped it for her to stop and it fell out of her hand which upset her.) Apparently brushing a fork away brung regrets of my father hitting me repeatedly with shoes and whatever was close to hand.

He was in the armed forces, had a lovely upbringing himself, that's pretty much all he's told me about his history. I've suffered from mental health problems for as long as I can remember. With any conversation I've started, about games, work anything in general he interrupts me mid-sentence and starts talking about things unrelated that is about him. I once broached him about my mental health issues and before I could even get into any details he interrupted me and then said he was unhappy a few decades ago and everyone is sad sometimes.

So anyway, this is all about confessions and this is probably poo poo compared to a lot I've seen so far. I'm in a happy relationship right now and have conquered a lot of demon's and still have more to work on and are getting there.

I've kind of had an obsession with serial killers, rapists, absolute cunts over the past year or two. I've done a lot of lovely things over the years but never anything illegal, I just want to look more into why these people suddenly snapped and did what they did. I wonder why my childhood was probably as hosed up as these people and spent a lot of years enduring poo poo, there were times I could have snapped but didn't, but these people did. I was suicidal from the age of 13, I know teenage years are hard for some but I still don't think it's normal for a thirteen year old for wanting a car to plough into them on a daily basis.

In regards to serial killers, it scares the poo poo out of me of how close I could have came to be on this list. I look on their early life, in no way do I identify with any of it, there's clearly something that snapped in their mind which said that these kind of things are okay. I know the feelings and thoughts behind dissociating reality over fantasy. I know today that I would never harm anyone in any way, but if things had gone other ways fifteen years ago after ten years of what happened. I still know who I was fifteen years ago, I don't think I would do anything back then, but I was still unbalanced and a oval office to a lot of people.

# ? Sep 3, 2016 17:28

H.H: Oct 24, 2006; August is the Cruelest Month

smasha2000 posted:

I used to lurk using a friends account. Ask OP if i put "creepy lurker" as the subject of the mail i sent. ...

I looked it up, it's true.

Putty, although the post was technically a bit over 24 hours, I think s/he deserves an avatar.

# ? Sep 3, 2016 17:31

Putty: Mar 21, 2013; HOOKED ON THE BROTHERS

Nope!

# ? Sep 3, 2016 18:10

timp: Sep 19, 2007; Everything is in my control; Lipstick Apathy

Putty posted:

Nope!

Yeah I'm the goon who was really excited for it but I gotta admit it was extremely underwhelming.

e: it's the faulty regdate. I can tell people I lurked since 01 but nobody gives a poo poo because my reg date says 07. The early reg date + one post combo was what I really wanted here.

ee: plus he has two posts now! Get the gently caress out of here with that poo poo!

:justpost:

man you're doing great

# ? Sep 3, 2016 18:19

smasha2000: Aug 13, 2012

timp posted:

Yeah I'm the goon who was really excited for it but I gotta admit it was extremely underwhelming.

e: it's the faulty regdate. I can tell people I lurked since 01 but nobody gives a poo poo because my reg date says 07. The early reg date + one post combo was what I really wanted here.

ee: plus he has two posts now! Get the gently caress out of here with that poo poo!

man you're doing great

Indeed. Two true. Two true.

# ? Sep 3, 2016 19:00

H.H: Oct 24, 2006; August is the Cruelest Month

The next step is to start a thread.

Tell you what: Make a thread in GBS. If it reaches 2 pages I'll buy you an av.
I know the mail subject was indeed "creepy lurker", even if the regdate is not 2006.

I'm not asking for elf cocks here, so go for it!

# ? Sep 3, 2016 20:56

Who Is Paul Blart: Oct 22, 2010

Fintilgin posted:

Winners get therapy. Losers don't get therapy. You aren't a loser are you?

p.s. get therapy

Actually the opposite reading is true, therapy is for losers.

# ? Sep 3, 2016 21:38

Zzulu: May 15, 2009; (â°ËvËâ°)

serial killers are assholes

Go use your sadbrained crazybrain to do something cool instead, like building a rocket and flying it

# ? Sep 3, 2016 21:42

Ofecks: May 4, 2009; A portly feline wizard waddles forth, muttering something about conjured food.

H.H posted:

i won't say who he is but he's kinda not someone people take seriously and his band was sort of known for joke stuff. fart joke songs and things like that.

Primus?

# ? Sep 3, 2016 22:22

H.H: Oct 24, 2006; August is the Cruelest Month

quote:

When I was in the military, I banged a shitload of prostitutes. Chances are very good that many, if not most, of them were victims of sex trafficking. Or, to put it more accurately, sex slaves. I feel really lovely when I think back to it, because I genuinely know it's morally wrong to support such a hosed up industry. I've told a very few people about it, and always made sure I emphasized how bad I felt about it. In my defense, I do actually feel bad about it.

That being said, holy poo poo it was loving amazing. I've banged chicks that ranged from "You are too beautiful to be in such a lovely situation" to "jesus you've got some fuckin miles on ya." Every one was amazing, even the ones that made me feel gross afterwards. There's just something about knowing that she's totally powerless in the situation, that she can't leave and has to pretend to enjoy it, that makes me loving cum buckets. Hell, chances are good I've got some kids I don't know about, and even that is hot to me. I find the concept of loving a powerless woman so hot that I'm 100% certain had I been a pre-civil war slave owner, I'd have hosed every single one of my female slaves, regardless of how attractive they were. My obsession with loving slaves is so strong that I'm literally fully erect right now, because this has me thinking back to the good ol' days.

I haven't hosed any hookers since I've been back in the states, and don't have the money to travel like I used to, but I'm pretty sure if I ever won the lottery I'd just spend the rest of my days cumming as deep inside as many hookers as I could until my dick just rotted off.

Christ, I need to go jerk off now.

quote:

I once made nine other people wait almost an hour for a game of League of Legends to load on my parent's slow computer, just so I could play support Shaco. I am a monster.

# ? Sep 4, 2016 00:21

ishikabibble: Jan 21, 2012

Ofecks posted:

Primus?

I was thinking Tom DeLonge from Blink 182, maybe. He's super into UFO stuff.

# ? Sep 4, 2016 00:41

Zorodius: Feb 11, 2007; EA GAMES' MASTERPIECE 'MADDEN 2018 G.O.A.T. EDITION' IS A GLORIOUS TRIUMPH OF ART AND TECHNOLOGY. IT BRINGS GAMEDAY RIGHT TO THE PLAYER AND WHOEVER SAYS OTHERWISE CAN, YOU GUESSED IT...
SUCK THE SHIT STRAIGHT OUT OF MY OWN ASSHOLE.

BUY IT.

H.H posted:

Slave Rape / League

man, that second guy is messed up

# ? Sep 4, 2016 01:19

it dont matter: Aug 29, 2008

H.H posted:

Mr Tastee is actually Drew, the creator of the webcomic Toothpaste For Dinner.

He wrote this book, which is amazing and I encourage everyone to read it.

Thank you, this is hilarious.

# ? Sep 4, 2016 02:01

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# ? May 10, 2024 17:33

Synthwave Crusader: Feb 13, 2011

League of Legends goon, you are doing God's work son.

# ? Sep 4, 2016 02:04

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