ibntumart posted:

ibntumart posted:

Not even a single jumbo cookie.

edit:

Content:

Choco1980 posted:

To be fair, when my brother and I were teenagers, we would do stupid poo poo like this all the time just to get a reaction out of our mom. (For the record, 20 years later, getting a reaction out of her is still the funniest thing for either of us)

ghost emoji posted:

restaurant story

walrusman posted:

Why the hell is grandma demanding that the server return her tip if the meal hasn't even started yet? Did they tip in advance?

Furthermore, what the gently caress kind of restaurant has promos like that? When they started talking about charging admission I thought it might have been a Hometown Buffet or similar shithole but then they also have draconian cookie policies and "entrees" so it can't be that.

chitoryu12 posted:

"I'm so proud when my child hurts a stranger's feelings for being nice to her!"

A civil tone posted:

Ah, Monica. She works at Sephora, has a younger brother, and two loving parents. We chatted a bit on the dating site's instant messenger thing before meeting up.

Me: Hi!
NuttyMonica22: hi
Me: It's nice to "meet" you, of sorts. What are you up to?
NuttyMonica22: nothin
Me: According to your profile, you work at Sephora. What's that like?
NuttyMonica22: yea*

*Interlude: Is being a good conversationalist too much to ask? Maybe I ask for too much, but a good conversation is certainly something I think necessary.

Me: I work in entertainment.
NuttyMonica22: u make pornos?
Me: Heh. Sadly, no.
NuttyMonica22: oh, too bad. i'd come act in one. i act sometimes.*

*Interlude: A girl who will act in a film has my attention, but one who would act in a porno has my complete attention. Fast-forward>>>

Me: Would you like to meet up sometime?
NuttyMonica22: yea. tomorrow.
Me: Tomorrow? That's not too soon?
NuttyMonica22: no. i wanna grab ya before another girl does ;-)
Me: Wow. That sounds intriguing.*

*Interlude: Actually, it sounds psychotic, but let's give it a whirl!

I meet the bespectacled, dark-haired, short, slightly plump Monica in front of the Virgin Megastore in Times Square. She smells very good and she's dressed very well; a lovely blue blouse and long black skirt.

"Hi Monica! It's nice to meet you!"

She initiates a hug. "Hey, you too. Where would you like to go for lunch?"

"What are you in the mood for?"

She says, "Whatever you're in the mood for."*

*Interlude: I want a date, not a drone. Surely, you must have some opinion on the subject of where to go to eat.

"Um, well, is there anything you won't eat? I'll eat just about anything–"

"Fine! We'll eat loving fast food! Everyone'll be happy!"

"Whoa–what? I just–wait–"

She buries her head in her hands. "Oh God, I'm sorry. I just–ergh. I've had a crappy day. That's it."

"We can be two adults about it, though. I see no need to take it out on me."

"I wasn't taking it out on you! God, what is it with guys and–"

"Monica, calm down. You sort of did take it out on me, but if you're having a bad day, then I can just try to cheer you up–"

"Don't you tell me to calm down! You don't know what the gently caress I'm going through!"*

*Interlude: I had paid $7.50 to make it down into the city. Recalling that it would take me an additional $7.50 to leave the city, I wanted to try and fix the situation so that I could at least have something to show for my $15 total transportation expenditures. There was a new cheesecake place a bit uptown I had been itching to try... now just to escape from this creature...

Looking up at the sky in hope of some divine intervention, I turn back to the fuming Monica. Her shapely pale face had faded into a deep, angry crimson. I begin stepping away from her.

"Monica, how about if we maybe just cancel this whole thing? I mean, it's obvious that–"

She grabs my jacket and pulls me towards her. "Don't leave me! Don't leave me alone!" She buries herself into my coat and puts her right thumb in her mouth.

I turn my head left and right. Luckily, this is nothing out of the ordinary in New York. "Monica, please–please don't do this. Come on. We'll have a good time, and we'll forget that this ever happened. Promise."*

*Translation: I'm hetero, but at this point, I'd rather be on a date with a guy.

*Fast-forward. We're in an 8th avenue kosher deli! >>>

Monica has painstakingly removed each item from her BLT, and is currently arranging the ingredients in alphabetical order on her plate. My turkey sandwich, still all in one piece, tastes all the better, for some reason.

"Monica, are you planning on eating your food-formerly-known-as-sandwich?"

She shoots me a look that would emasculate an elephant. "Casey thought it was cute when I did this."

"Casey?"

She leans back and crumples into herself, darkly. "My former boyfriend."

"Oh. You know what's funny?"

"What?"

"The fact that I'm not Casey."

The meal is completed in silence. She shoots plentiful dirty looks over her glasses at me. Afterwards, we walk out of the deli. I'm anxious to bring the date to a close, but it's not quite done yet. Oh no, not by a long shot.

She cocks her head and smiles devilishly. "Take a walk with me?"*

*No. Say no. Just say, "No thanks. I want to go home." Say, "You're nuts," and run away. Do NOT take a walk with this girl. Do you hear me? Hello?

I say, "Sure. Where to?"

"The park."

"Central park?"

"No, fuckhead, MacArthur Park! Yes, Central Park! God!"

She storms on ahead. I take my chance, turn on my heels, and walk in the opposite direction. I don't need this. I need cheesecake.

Sure enough, I hear her feet hitting the pavement in my direction. I quicken my pace, delaying the inevitable feel of her desperate hands on my jacket again. Yank!

"Where are you going? Don't leave me! I'm okay... I'm okay... I'm okay..."

"Christ, Monica, ease off! What the hell is wrong with you?"

She caresses my face and leans in for a kiss. I pull away.*

*I like kisses. For me to refuse one, there has to be something really wrong. Like a psycho girl, for instance.

She gives me a pained look, then walks towards the park. I shrug and decide to follow her. Why not? It promises to be an entertaining jaunt, and we'll be near that fine cheesecake place.

*Fast-forward>>>

We're sitting in the park. Her head is on my shoulder and she takes my hand. "Casey and I used to walk here all of the time."

"Uh-huh," I say, barely paying attention.

"Casey and I had a great time together."

"I'm sure," I mutter, watching an attractive blonde walk past.

"Casey and I hosed behind that bush over there."

I stand up. "Hey, Monica, guess what?"

"What?"

I state the conclusion of my findings, "You're a loving psychopath!"

She stands up, comes right into my face, and screams, "I'm the nicest loving girl you'll ever loving meet! All I've done today is treat you like a loving prince!"

Calmly, I move in for the kill. "Monica, please speak softly and in a civil tone."

"How dare you loving take me out and treat me like–"

"Please speak softly and in a civil tone."

"gently caress you and gently caress your civil tone bullshit!"

"Please speak softly and in a civil tone."

She raises her arm to hit me, but she hasn't counted on my summer camp karate lessons. I do a quick high block as her arm sails at my head. Her fist ricochets into her nose, which she clutches with both hands.

"My nose! My loving nose!"

"Please speak softly and in a civil–"

"You broke my loving nose!" She waves her arms about, and indeed, her nose is bleeding slightly.

Cracking up, I barely utter my final, "Please speak softly and in a civil tone."

"Aaaaaaagh!" she screams and gives chase. I'm faster. Losing her easily, I slip inside of the dessert place, order a slice of cheesecake, walk back to Grand Central, and take the train home.


EPILOGUE:

NuttyMonica22: hello?
NuttyMonica22: i'm sosososososo sorry
NuttyMonica22: please talk to me
Me: Casey broke up with you because you don't speak softly nor in a civil tone.

///You have added NuttyMonica22 to your Block List>>>

hogmartin posted:

Author did not hook up with Casey, 3/10

e: waitwaitwait, how many Kosher delis sell BLTs? Isn't the 'B' part pretty, uh, treif?

Guys, I'm starting to think this poo poo didn't happen.

I hear that equine buttsauce is especially good posted:

Kelsey wrote her first e-mail to me in verse, so that alone made me sit up and take notice. She was pretty - a blonde with a great smile - and she was applying to several English PhD programs.

I checked out her profile. Well-written, yes. Let's check out her photos. A shot of her on a mountain trail, nice. A picture of her concentrating over a chess game, great. A photo of her pressing her tongue to the rear of a zebra, super.

Wait.

With wide eyes and a wider mouth, her tongue was very obviously pressed to a zebra's butt. The caption read, "Testing for buttsauce."

In my response to her, I complimented her on the creativity of her message, asked her a few harmless questions, and queried about the zebra picture. I believe that my exact words were, "Did you find any buttsauce on that zebra?"

Her reply to my entire message was two words: "What zebra?"

I wrote back, "Why, the one whose butt you're testing for buttsauce in your profile photo. I hear that equine buttsauce is especially good."

The next day, that photo was deleted from her profile. She wrote me another message, in response to the questions from my first e-mail, but without addressing the zebra picture at all.

I surmised that the photo's placement on her profile was a mistake, or that she was embarrassed by it. Either way, I didn't plan to bring it up again, although the thought crossed my mind that if we ended up kissing, then little atoms of zebra butt would enter my mouth. Yum!

Kelsey turned out to be very sharp, and I usually like sharp women, so I asked her out. We did dinner, followed by a jam session at her aunt's condo (her aunt wasn't home) over a piano and bottle of wine.

I began playing "Circle of Life" from The Lion King without telling her the name of the song. She sat forward on the couch and asked, "What's that song? I know it."

I said, "It's 'Circle of Life' from The Lion King. The part in the beginning with the elephants, giraffes, and zebras running over to Pride Rock for the presentation of Simba."

"Okay!" she yelled, loud enough for plentiful condo neighbors to hear, "I know what this is about. The loving zebra was a dare on my trip to Africa! Now you know, and you can shut the gently caress up about it."

Kelsey was being a little too sharp. That's not what I meant at all by playing the song, or by mentioning zebras. The evening had gone from fun to zero in a moment, and it was, somehow, my fault.

Quite apart from being misunderstood, I don't like being spoken to that way, and I told her, "That's not why I played the song–"

"Okay, sure," she interrupted.

"...but I don't think that being dared to lick a zebra's rear end is a big deal."

She said, "Stop talking about it!" then yelled something unintelligible and put her hands over her ears.

"Are you done?" I asked when she was done.

She didn't respond, but she stared at me, like she was deciding whether to continue with the date, or to flay me and display my attractive remains as a warning over the gate of some exotic zebra-lickers-only fortress, built high in the rolling hills.

I turned back to the piano. "I'll play zebra-free songs from here on out."

"Okay, that's it. Please go." She stood and opened the door for me to exit, which I did as soon as possible.

My date was over. All because of some stupid zebra, tens of thousands of miles away.

WrenP-Complete posted:

I can do it tomorrow during work hours. I made so many Markov bots I thought goons were sick of them but I love my nonsensical bots so much.

WrenP-Complete posted:

I can do it tomorrow during work hours. I made so many Markov bots I thought goons were sick of them but I love my nonsensical bots so much.

WrenP-Complete posted:

I did! I will see what mischief I can concoct in the morning. Thanks!

quote:

Have been talking to a girl for a few weeks. Turns out that neither her nor her roommates have ever seen Airplane ( one of my favorite movies.)

I bring the movie over, we all sit down, and begin to watch. Like always I'm cracking up, but the look on all 3 of their faces was appalled. Throughout the movie, they began to complain to one another about the film. They were complaining so much, you couldn't hear the dialogue

Turns out, I "triggered" each of these girls and they were all disgusted by this film...

The film was too racist, sexiest, ableist, and "downright idiotic" for their tastes.

Shirley I thought they were kidding, but they ended up screaming at me that I was disrespectful for showing them this film. I decided to stand up, take my movie back, and walk straight out without saying a drat word.

Now I'm watching it again by myself. anyone want to join?

gaydad posted:

I don't know why Tumblr always wants to make any situation humorous as if it was sitcom waiting for a laugh track to laugh at their "wacky", random moment.

gaydad posted:

I don't know why Tumblr always wants to make any situation humorous as if it was sitcom waiting for a laugh track to laugh at their "wacky", random moment.

Fathis Munk posted:

What always bothers me way more is the people who try to get in on the wacky fame by adding their lovely one line reply to the post

I CAN'T EVEN

WrenP-Complete posted:

I hate "cummed." Do people not just say "came?" Come on.

DragQueenofAngmar posted:

also, what was wrong with "come," why the u

WrenP-Complete posted:

I hate "cummed." Do people not just say "came?" Come on.

DragQueenofAngmar posted:

also, what was wrong with "come," why the u

WrenP-Complete posted:

i can understand why people might want a different spelling of a common word to use, but it's still said the same and imo its conjugated the exact same way.

WrenP-Complete posted:

oh, it would help me with scripting our bot if we had some archive of lots of poo poo that didn't happen stories. like i know i can use NAR or whatever but that's going to make the bot sound like that. maybe the op?

stdhbot posted:

I happen to be known as the glass was empty. I promptly toppled into the wall in front. On the night of One Acts the program's list of Thespian Honors Society because she wasn't handling it well.

stdhbot posted:

She's had education issues as well. We provide an airport shuttle so we follow the landing times at the fair he was like, 'really? Good job!' I was the only friends of mine who ever would do something like that didn't look completely stupid. I disguised voice.

Xen Tricks posted:

I'm not entirely familiar with the mechanics of a markov chain so apologies if this is wrong, but it seems like it could use the source quotes/blocks being slightly longer. As it is it comes out a little too jumbled. Maybe mixing complete sentences instead of fragments.

quote:

Was a manager at a call center a few years back. So one day we had something like seven employees all show up late to work for the morning shift. Being that they all walked in together and they were all younger guys I initially assumed they had been goofing around before work and figured that by coming in together the punishment would be less severe on them as a group. So I call them in to a training room and bring in another manager and a girl from the office to serve as witnesses as per company policy.

"So which one of yo wants to tell me why all of you are strolling in here almost an hour late?" I ask, in my stern manager voice.

"It aint our fault! We was on the bus with with Percy and he started jacking off to this little girl and the cops got called and the bus pulled over and we had to end up walking the rest of the way here because we didn't even know if they was going to send another bus." Answers one of the group.

Now I'm sitting here dumbfounded and trying to make some logical sense of what I have just been told when the other manager leans over and discretely says to me. "They are probably telling the truth. These guys are all living in a half way house as part of a prison release program. That's why they all ride the bus together." Then the admin girl turns to me and says "Yeah and that Percy is nasty."

So I immediately dismiss them and tell them to get back to work. Talk to the office recruiters and verify that yes, we do a lot of recruiting for our office at half way houses. The next day everyone in the office is talking about how Percy was on the news last night for getting arrested for lewd contact involving a minor.

genericangst posted:

genericangst posted:

quote:

So basically I recently got overlooked for a secondment abroad in for another guy. Now I know for sure I have better exam marks than this guy (we are all also working towards professional qualifications in our job) and my quarterly feedback has been top notch, plus my managers have praised me heavily for how much work and effort I put in. Clients for whom I've worked for have ALWAYS made sure to point out to my manager of my great work. However despite this I feel like I'm never rewarded for my efforts (I know someone who is paid higher than me yet has half the marks I do). I've brought these issues up before but they fall on deaf ears.

So despite this success I was livid I wasn't chosen for this secondment abroad, especially chosen for someone who has worse marks than me, and I would assume worse performance at the job. The distinguishing factor is he's more like a John Cena; kissing everyone's rear end and politicking his way around the office. Whereas I'm more like the Dean Ambrose, in that I like to be left to my own devices and don't really bother in partaking in the politics/socialising in the office.

So today when it was nearing my time to leave, so I got everyone from my department's attention (my manager was also there) and delivered CM Punk's pipe bomb. Some tidbits that I remember saying:

''I hate this idea that you deserve the secondment. Because you don't. I'm the best. I'm the best in this office. There's one thing you're better at than I am and that's kissing [Manager]'s rear end''

''... the fact that day in and day out for almost three years, I have proved to everyone in the office that I'm the best in [my department], in HR, even in marketing!'' (Some context; when I initially joined the company I was in a rotation where I had to do a couple of months in various departments before choosing which one to pursue)

''And yet no matter how many times I prove it, I'm not on your brochure that you give out to students at graduate fairs, I'm not on your website. My achievements are barely recognised. I'm not sent out as an ambassador for the company to attract new talent and I'm sure as hell never congratulated on consistently getting the highest marks'' (More context; we send out people to these events and they pretty much get days off every year just to lounge around and not work, plus receive a lot of food and I'm never chosen).

''The reason I'm leaving is you people. Because after I'm gone you're still going to pour your lives and time into this company. This company prides itself on being a 'meritocracy' to dupe all of you into working harder, but I am living proof that this is just a company who rewards those who kiss rear end the most. This company is going to make money despite itself. It's company that should be making billions in revenues as opposed to millions. Do you know why they don't? Because they promote nonsensical, douchebag, sociopathic people.''

Welp I thought after this pipe bomb and threatening to leave I would have a lot of colleagues on my side who have been hosed over but that didn't seem like the case. The whole room was fell into deafening silence, many with confused expressions. I returned to my work and when I finished my manager pulled me aside and said I shouldn't come into work tomorrow while he forwards a case to HR in regards to disciplinary issues.

It looks like I will get fired now boys, but drat it felt good to get it off my chest. I am looking online frantically whether or not termination from my job will negatively affect any future job prospects. Does anyone else have experience with this? Shall I lawyer up?