WrenP-Complete posted:

I googled "object underwear" and TV tropes was the first hit. It means holding an object against your body to cover yourself. http://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/Main/HandOrObjectUnderwear

This is dumb as if you have underwear and pants, why are you holding them against your body instead of wearing them? On the other hand, this poo poo didn't happen.

Weatherman posted:

kangarookie more like oldpainless, amirite?

quote:

This actually happened a couple of weeks ago.

It was my mom's birthday party, she turned 50 and my entire family was going to be there, including second cousins, friends, coworkers. It was supposed to be a huge fun party until I hosed up.

Before the party began I was on Tinder looking for a girl to go out with after the party. After a while, I get matched with a super hot girl, like a colombian, white, nice body, I mean the whole package. She messages me and we start talking, 'she seems to be alright upstairs, there's no funny business', I thought to myself. We continued talking for a while and then, she suggests that we should meet. At first, I thought it was a great date for after the party but my egotistic self thought that it was a great idea to show off this super hot girl to all of my family and friends, a task no other member of my family of my age had achieved.

The party starts, I get tipsy, the girl starts texting me sexy pics, I get excited, and I start bragging to all my friends and cousins. The hype is real. Come 8pm she says she's on her way with another friend, which had the potential to be just as hot. Everybody is calling dibs, I get on my high horse, and everybody's waiting for the moment.

The time comes, she texts me she's downstairs and that I should go get her, I call my cousin which had the least amount of probabilities of screwing things up with the friend and we both go get them. I cannot express how hyped everyone was for this, I couldn't believe it. As we go to get them, the car stops in front of the building, the door opens up and... THE EXACT SAME GIRL FROM THE PICTURES COMES OFF THE CAR. I was shocked, she was stunning and right behind her... AN EVEN HOTTER GIRL GETS OFF THE CAR. I have no idea how I didn't burst out laughing out loud of the whole situation. I was drunk, but in my POV I played it smooth as hell. We go upstairs and everybody starts clapping at us, everybody was cheering, even my mom, it was hilarious.

So this is where the gently caress up begins. I didn't notice at first but the girls talked funny, they couldn't come up with coherent sentences. I didn't take much notice given I was drunk, but another friend who was sober told me and I started noticing it. I asked if everything was okay, she told me that everything was "fabulous" and that "my skin felt so soft like a magic gnome who granted wishes". This is where I noticed something was not okay, she then told me that I should do ecstasy with her and pulls out a small bag full of pills. In that moment, I was drunk no mo'. I didn't know how to react, I'm not used to being around people who do illegal drugs. At this point the girl couldn't even stand up straight given that we did several shots when she got to the party. The same thing for the other girl, they were both in another galaxy.

This is where it gets really ugly, the girl I was with starts having seizures and we obviously stop the party to call an ambulance but given where I live, it was going to be quite a while before it got to the party. So we take her to the hospital, check her and her friend in emergencies, and we take off given she wasn't supposed to wake up for a while, was stabilized and sleeping and you know... random stranger who does heavy amounts of drugs, who knows who might show up as her emergency contact; I didn't want to explain what had happened. I sent her roses and some texts but I haven't gotten a response. Hope she is okay.

TL;DR Mom's 50th birthday party, invited a super hot girl from tinder, didn't get catfished but she did ecstasy and who knows what else, had seizures and ended up in a pretty bad condition at the hospital.
Edit: words

Zipperelli. posted:

shit_that_didnt_happen.txt: they checked his unit

flashy_mcflash posted:

TIFU on reddit with a slight variation on 'and then everybody clapped'

Hardcordion posted:

How exactly do you switch a sleeping person's pajamas without waking them?

flashy_mcflash posted:

TIFU on reddit with a slight variation on 'and then everybody clapped'

quote:

I get matched with a super hot girl, like a colombian, white, nice body, I mean the whole package.

Zipperelli. posted:

Holy gently caress, I got my title change!

Zipperelli. posted:

shit_that_didnt_happen.txt: they checked his unit

quote:

So this isn't exactly a story of me being mistaken as an employee, and I'll repost elsewhere if I need to, but I thought everyone here would enjoy this. I actually just posted this as a comment in a thread where a commenter suggested singing All-Star by Smash Mouth at people asking you for money. This is by far the most loving insane thing I think I have ever done inside of a retail space.
I used your suggestion today at the grocery store. I was in the grocery store and a guy asked me for money. The song clicked on in my head and I started spouting off the lyrics.

♪ I said yep, what a concept, I could use a little fuel myself♫

...What are you doing?

♫And we could all use a little changeeeee

I started walking towards him

♫ well the years start coming and they don't stop coming

I added a little bounce to my step

What the hell man

The guy turns around, looking defeated but I don't let up.

♫Fed to the rules and I hit the ground running

I put emphasis on the last part. The man turned his head to look at men but I had already put a slight lean into my step to help me build momentum.

♫Didn't make sense not to live for fun!

At this point we are in an all out sprint. I left my groceries behind for the humble pursuit of telling this guy to politely gently caress off.

♫ YOUR BRAIN GETS SMART BUT YOUR HEAD FEELS DUMB.

The man makes a quick corner at the end of the frozen food aisle but can't quite keep his footing and slams into an open door in which someone was pulling a pizza. Knocked to the floor, the poor soul looks up at me standing at the end of the aisle. At this point I start to think that this guy maybe doesn't deserve this, but I can't help myself. I take slow steps into the freezer section whispering:
♫ so to do so much to see, so what's wrong with taking the back streets?

Dude bro is clamouring backwards, kicking to get away from me.

♫ *You'll never know if you don't go, you'll never learn if you don't bro.

Sliding on the condensation, the pan handler scrambles on the floor. Finally gaining his footing, he turns quickly only to knock over a small Coke display.... right... in front... of a police officer.

What the hell is going on here?

THIS GUY IS CRAZY AND HE'S BEEN CHASING ME ALL OVER THE STORE!

We had only been going at this for an aisle or two. The officer looks up at me with an eye brow raised and his lips tense.

Uh, he asked me for money so I started singing Smash Mouth at him.

The officer shot a harsh glance.

You were soliciting inside the store? Get up.

The officer grabbed him by the arm and walked him over to the store's security officer. Embarrassed, I seek out a manager and explain calmly that I did something a loving insane person would do because it sounded funny when I read it on the Internet. The manager chuckled, said they had issues with this guy before and walked me to the front of the store where they had posted a "banned, do not serve" picture of the guy up front. They had a whole rack of these pictures, but his picture was the only one that looked scared instead of smug.

ibntumart posted:

Smash Mouth

moerketid posted:

This is definitely one of the very worst things I've read in this thread. I think it gave me a migraine.

Hardcordion posted:

How exactly do you switch a sleeping person's pajamas without waking them?

The General posted:

With kids that age? It'd be pretty easy. You can pick kids up and carry them around while they sleep.

ibntumart posted:

food court bailiff posted:

Who posted this? Where do they live? I want to fight them.

ibntumart posted:

Teriyaki Hairpiece posted:

The vast majority of caring people do about sports is because they are betting money on them, legally or illegally. After that comes local pride. After that comes sports as a way to have fun go to a bar or gather with people, an excuse to do some drinking or eat some unhealthy food. Few people actually care because of the games themselves, and those people are weirdos.

artificially stocked lake posted:

lol you have no loving clue what you're talking about

goose willis posted:

goose willis posted:

Pastry of the Year posted:

"shots fired" is such a god damned retarded thing to say

SPOOKILY A BIRD posted:

SPOOKILY A BIRD posted:

I hate these fake wacky letters so much.

goose willis posted:

One last one for the morning

sweeperbravo posted:

"one person started crying" is such a desirable detail int hese stupid things for some reason

sweeperbravo posted:

"one person started crying" is such a desirable detail int hese stupid things for some reason

goose willis posted:

Verisimilidude posted:

Manuel Calavera posted:

Chicken is with the beef, pork, and other meats. Eggs live with dairy, assuming this is an American grocery.