HardDiskD posted:

I hope you have a better MIL now and congrats on all accounts.

quote:

My husband [35M] is terrible at "adulting", and it's really affecting our marriage on my [34F] side.

So my husband, let me give you the disclaimer, is great at a lot of things and we work well together on most stuff. He's extremely brilliant at building or fixing anything, or learning complex computer programs, or making people laugh, and a whole other litany of well rounded skills.

But when it comes to "adulting" - anything involving paying bills, doing paperwork, answering emails, even simply keeping his phone charged or opening his mail - he becomes a gibbering idiot.

I sort of tolerated just taking over all of that stuff for the whole relationship because I'd rather just know the bills got paid, but I'm starting to feel like the line has been crossed and he shrugs me off so often with his usual flippant "stop being a dick" type of lines. Calls me out for causing "stress that isn't worth it" and it kinda is starting to feel like either i'm getting mildly gaslighted or THIS REALLY ISNT OKAY....

The biggest incident, for example, sorry so long, but I want to make sure anyone interested actually knows its not just being late on a phone bill or whatever:

In 2013 he was self employed for the first time, and we were living together. I never noticed him doing his taxes when I was scrambling to do mine, but I'm not a hawk type of partner and can definitely be absent minded, so I shrugged it off.

Then in 2014 we got married and when i started doing our taxes i realized he had never done his 2013 taxes. He had no idea that you didn't "just get money back". (I have been self employed at least part time since age 16, so I have zero understanding how someone can be in their mid 30s and so ignorant).

Of course, he owed a ton of money and penalties to Oregon State at this point, so I told him, "hey, I'll do these taxes for you, I'll do all our taxes from now on. I just need you to have ONE JOB. You need to deal with the payment and admin for your late 2013 taxes. Set up a payment plan and do it."

Of course what ended up happening is although he set up the payment plan, I had to then set a google calendar alert to remind him to pay it. I'd nag him, he'd make the payment, and I'd see a payment on the credit card I had gotten him under my name (because of course, his credit is in the toilet due to thinking that ignored problems just go away).

I even later paid 300 bucks to bail him out of bank jail so he could be added to my account SPECIFICALLY to set up auto payments for this tax debt, and me not have to remind him anymore.

Sort of all good, right?

Well suddenly last month, I see a letter to him from Oregon State tax board that looks not so fun, I open it and it's a legal order for a garnishment of nearly a thousand dollars. He has 14 days to answer this letter.

I wave it in front of him, trying not to get upset, it must be a mistake. He promises to deal with it.

Two weeks later a thousand dollars is taken out of my account.

"Oh, is there like, different places to pay? Cause I just used a tax service and paid the feds.."

So he's been paying the feds the whole time and not the state that he owed money to, and now my account is empty, the feds have nearly a thousand dollars extra of ours, and nobody on the phone seemed to be able to "access" the info.

Husband is now back working on a music tour and I have had to nag him constantly to call as I desperately need to track down this $1000!!! I found a place for him to look into it online, but I couldn't sign up for him because I don't have his phone. His phone wasn't charged so I had to call his road-mate to get ahold of him.

He then made fun of me for my stress levels and said he'd do it. ....

(oh, And this garnishment order got a $125 fee from wells fargo on top of it.

Reddit, I am literally waking up every morning fuming. And his way of responding is to ridicule me. Yes, he is a ridicule/jokey type of guy in general, but we have even gotten into fights about potentially having kids.. I've tried to tell him I can't have kids with someone I can't rely on like that. That was the only time I got through to him and it seems to already have been deleted again thanks to being back on the road with the band.

Am I just a "stressy nagger"!?!?!?!? Am I crazy?

TL;DR: Husband can't even open mail much less pay bills or do anything responsible, and the consequences are starting to damage my life and make me want to leave.

EDIT: I want to clarify, because maybe it doesn't come through.. he does work and make money, and gives everything to me to put into the bank account. He's definitely not going out and spending irresponsibly on himself, like drinking or buying things. My beef with him is not that he's a dependent in terms of actual money, it's his utter mismanagement of his day-to-day.

Antivehicular posted:

How do you pay your taxes to the wrong government? Pretty sure the IRS won't even accept payments they're not actually owed. Of course, this winner probably owed the feds, too.

Battle Royale Baby posted:

That can't be true. It sounds like he's somehow able to keep a job

quote:

Husband is now back working on a music tour

Manticorny posted:

so, uh, i'm thinking not really there

quote:

Me [26 M]with my wife [25 F] of 1.5 years together 3.5, she cheated about a year into our relationship and just confessed.

Throwaway cuz I don't want it on my main account. I don't think any of my friends or family even know what Reddit is so I am pretty detailed in my story.

Wow this ended up so long I'm sorry for the wall and rambling I'm a little shaken up. Below is he background of our dating relationship when she cheated. Below that is what she confessed to if you want to skip the background.

BACKGROUND:

So my wife and I went to high school together but she was a class below me but we didn't really know eachother it was a bigger high school with each class with about 400 students. Fast forward a few years I am fresh out of a horrible relationship filled with cheating (not by me), break ups, and paternity tests (que "you're not the father dance"). Well once the baby was born I made my successful escape from the toxic relationship and went out with old high school friends and ended up meeting with another group including my now wife. We met talked laughed and I told her my crazy soap opera story of my past relationship and we hit it off.

We started dating shortly after meeting and she was effectively my rebound. We dated for two months, I was unhealthily clingy and she ended up breaking it off with me. We went our seperate ways no contact for two months. I got back to normal me that was okay being single and shook off that pesky clinginess.

After two months of being broke up I sent her a happy birthday text she invited me to meet up with her friends for her birthday celebration. Alcohol plus sexual tension equals waking up in her bed the next morning. We take things slow and start easing back into a relationship. Started going to church together I'm a life long Christian and she was very new but very interested in it. We grew stronger together in our faith. Things are going great for a few months until she gets in touch with an ex. A guy she dated for years but she cheated on him for most of their relationship with another ex. (She told me about this cheating and I understood that we all have lovely pasts)He was her close friend and he was always pining for her to get back together with him. I told her it made me uncomfortable that they talked all the time and I don't think it's healthy to have past romances in your life when seeing someone new (that's just my opinion if you disagree that's fine too it your prerogative). Especially since my ex cheated on my and got pregnant with her ex. She disagreed and she didn't want a man to control her life, I understood explained to her that this won't work for either of us. I don't believe in ultimatums so we talked about how we felt about it. She still wanted to be able to keep in touch with exes so I broke it off with her. After about a week she gets dinner with said ex and he goes into how great their life and kids are going to be together and she has her epiphany moment hat I was right he wasn't interested in just being friends. She calls me we get drinks and she apologizes and we are back together. She cuts all exes out of her life and we continue.

Now the fun part we are in full swing of our relationship starting mid may going to church, family vacations, extremely healthy and happy relationship. Even today we both brag about how good our break ups were for our relationship(by the way we had both slept with other people during said break ups we were both upfront and honest about it and there hasn't been any animosity because, well, we were broken up). By august we are taking about marriage and even went out to pick out rings. September comes along I get a great paying job and I can afford a ring but we find out we are pregnant. It was an accident but we both agreed to keep it. Life is amazing we end up moving in together, get married with a small wedding in the mountains and have our son the following year. Wife gets baptized and we are now pregnant with second and last child who was planned.

CONFESSION: We are laying in bed two nights ago and she is giving me a massage. I work a manual labor job so I get pretty sore. We are just having normal old married conversations and my wife gets uneasy and says "I have something I need to tell you...". Great here we go is all I can think in my head. She spends about 10 minutes prefacing what she is actually going to say and by that time I had already deduced what she was going to say. Essentially back during the summer after our last break up when everything was amazing she had gone out after work with a co worker/old flame to get drinks. They wound up at a park started making out and led to sex (yes at a park) which she stopped (yeah I know that's what they all say but at least I didn't get the it was only kissing line). She then texted him later that never to never contact her again. Which according to her he agreed but then tried again a couple months later when she was early on in the pregnancy and she told him the same thing again and blocked him everywhere.

I've been in the sub long enough to know the questions to ask. I told her before asking that if there were any lies from her on out our marriage is over.

-Are you sure it was only once and you actually stopped it shortly after starting? Yes. -No contact since you last blocked him? Yes. Another other instances of cheating in our relationship? No. -Why are you telling me now since I seemingly never would have found out? Because it's been weighing on my heart and I can't push it out of head anymore. -Is there anyway our son is not mine (particularly hard question given my past)? No it was in June we conceived in September. -How do I trust you'll never do this again? Since the moment I stopped him during sex I realized that I'm being the same messed up girl I was before. Since that mistake I have given my life to Christ and vowed to be a better person and mom. I have made huge strides in becoming who I am now my biggest mistake was not telling you then and lying about it until now.

To her credit she never once blamed me, minimized, or got upset at me. She asked if she needed to sleep on the couch. Since then she has been understanding apologized profusely and talks about it openly with me with out defending or blaming.

I have always been outspokenly against cheating especially with my past relationships I've been cheated on a lot before. I never put up with it and the only time I did was just to find out if a baby was going to be mine then I broke it off. She assumed I would divorce her after she told me. My problem is, is that my faith doesn't allow it. I love the poo poo out of her still. We have had an incredible marriage and amazing communication. If she would've cheated in our marriage I would be gone and she knows as much. I know to those of you that aren't religious this seems crazy but I made a vow and I have to honor it. Real Christianity is all about how everyone is broken and makes mistakes and we can always be forgiven and that we are supposed to love everyone even those who hurt us and have grace for others like we get from God. The fact that it was before marriage does actually make it easier to swallow. I've told her that this will take serious time to get over especially the broken trust. The countless times she has said I've never cheated on you and never will.

She has been very patient and understanding. We've also been doing the whole hysterical bonding thing. Had sex 4 times in the 24 hours since the confession. She has an individual counselor already, she had extreme emotional abuse her entire childhood. We have already had marriage counseling scheduled cuz we've been wanting to find one before baby #2 so we can keep our marriage maintained with the stress of another baby (2 under 2).

Question: What am I missing? I know it's hard to see the whole picture when you're in the frame. Reddit is good at poking holes in flawed stories. What else do I ask? Has anyone else been through this? For those christians out there any good readings or biblical advice?

EDIT: The cheating was well past a month after getting back together. I just want to make that clearer.

tl;dr Wife cheated one time when we were dating during the best months of our pre marriage relationship. Confessed over two years and two babies later because of her faith and guilt. Need advice from people who have been here before or christian advice on how to handle this.

Battle Royale Baby posted:

but do you think the same person that can't handle a cooking tool or shopping cart without hurting someone or their property can play an instrument?

quote:

My husband [29M] keeps trying to impregnate me [23F] but i'm not ready.

My husband and I have been married for 2 years, we were dating for 2 years prior to that. We have had many conversations about having children and both of us want 2-3 kids. We just bought a house last year and have alot of debt from the initial purchase of the home. In addition, I started a new position at my job about 3 months ago and my hours are kind of all over the place.

Last year around this time, we had a conversation about when would be the right time to start trying for children, and we had thought around this time now would make sense. But now that this time is here, I just don't quite feel ready. I feel like our finances and my job are not as stable as I pictured them being and thus, I told him I thought we should wait maybe another 6 months to a year.

We have definitely, 100% talked about this. I told him my concerns, and he agreed and said he understands and its no problem. We both agreed that we're at the point where obviously if a baby came, we would be excited and happy, but don't want to "try" for it just yet.

Fast forward to last month. I had to come off of my birth control for the first time in our relationship because I was having bad side effects from it. It was a really unpleasant experience and since I was thinking we were going to be trying for a baby in about a year then I'd just stay off hormonal BC. We've never used condoms in our relationship. To be honest, neither of us have a huge sex drive and we only average sex 2-3 times a month.

Again, we had a conversation about this. Sorry to be TMI, but I suggested that for the time being, he should just pull out every time in addition to my likely monitoring when I'll most likely ovulate and not have sex then. Obviously this isn't 100% but we were both okay with this.

Okay, so this is the issue. Since having had these conversations, and since I've stopped taking birth control we've had sex about five times. First of all, this is kind of wierd because like I said, we don't usually have sex that much, so, it's like he's trying to have sex with me almost double frequency. (He's initiated every time and he has been much more forceful/insistent than ever with initiating sex.)

Second of all, he has (TMI) cum inside me every single time! The first two times he claimed he forgot (??) about the discussion we had. The next time before we even started, I made him actually say he wasn't going to, then he did again! I was upset after and he kind of said he thought I was overreacting and that he doesn't see what difference it makes if I were to get pregnant now or later and he really wants a baby. He made me feel really guilty and like I was being crazy. He said I was playing with his emotions by promising him we could start trying last year this time and now changing my mind.

So the next two times we had sex I remind him of what I prefer, but he sort of says he's just going to do what he wants (and he does.)

I'm starting to get frustrated. Part of me feels like this isn't right and I should stick to my guns and the other part of me thinks he's right and I'm being unrealistic/unfair in this situation or overreacting. It's making me really question the whole situation all together. I don't really want to go back on hormonal birth control, but I also feel like if I don't i'm definitely going to get pregnant short of actually refusing sex with him all together.

tl;dr: I decided to push back the date for trying for a baby with my husband. We "agreed" to practice withdrawal method until then, but instead it seems like he's actually actively trying to get me pregnant

best bale posted:

That is infuriating. I want to hit them both.

quote:

My fiancee/29F (together 3 yrs) planned our entire wedding without me/30F

Apologies if this is just a big ramble. I have no idea how to process what just happened.

Dating three years, engaged 6 months, have known each other for close to a decade. I proposed to Carly with a ring at a family dinner (she always said she wanted a "big" public proposal.) We had discussed marriage and agreed we were ready, so it just became a waiting game of who would ask whom. I'm not big on jewelry, but we had previously agreed that it would be weird if one of us had a ring and the other didn't. Together, we picked out our engagement jewelry, a simple custom ring for her and a nice pendant for me. We would each buy the other's thing and give them to each other. She was so happy with her ring, but never quite got around to buying my pendant and a few weeks ago told me to just buy it myself with her card. I didn't think of it as a big deal at the time, because she can be a little tunnel-visioned about doing stuff like this for me.

The day after I proposed, after we had texted/messaged everyone with our happy news, we sat down and had a long conversation about the wedding timeline. Because of some uncertainty with income (I was looking for/about to start a new job and she is a stay-at-home freelancer) and a lot of different stresses in both our lives, we agreed explicitly that no wedding talk would commence for at least a year. It was no problem to look at stuff, make up a pinterest board, gather ideas, but absolutely no serious discussion and no decisions until we were more financially stable.

This afternoon, we got a call from a local bakery about finalizing "our" cake order. I was only home to take the call as a fluke. I took a half-day at work because I felt crummy, and Carly was out shopping with her mom. I told the bakery we hadn't ordered anything and they must be mistaken, but the lady confirmed it was for "Carly M. and fiance." She seemed surprised that I was a woman, as Carly had described me "in very masculine terms." She told them I wanted nothing to do with wedding planning, and she was all on her own.

I confronted Carly as soon as she came home with her mother. Not yelling or screaming or anything. Just "Why is there a bakery calling to confirm our wedding cake order?" I suppose to her credit, Carly immediately confessed. No denial or even really shame about it. "Yeah, I ordered a cake."

She ordered everything. The reception venue, the DJ, the table centerpieces, the registry, the catering, the bar, her dress. She ordered a suit for me. Told me she already decided our wedding party. I'm going to have groomsmen, and she'll have bridesmaids. I had always planned to have my older sister as my maid of honor, and I wanted my parents to walk me down the aisle.

She told me all this so matter-of-fact, with her mother in the background nodding and saying how I don't have to worry because they're paying for everything. I had thought about a nice little outdoor ceremony, in a tea-length dress and our hipster-trash friends taking lovely disposable camera photos. She booked a hotel ballroom and has gotten her childhood pastor to officiate. I wonder if he thinks I'm a man, too?

I didn't know what to say. She brought everything out, showed it to me like a big presentation. I just sat there and let it happen. The colors are pink and orange. The invitations have my parents' names misspelled, and the date is June 25, 2018.

Who is this woman? She's calling me her "handsome groom." We always used to joke, when people asked "who's the man in the relationship?" that it was me, but I've never really been like that. I wanted to be part of the planning. None of this wedding is me. I'm like an accessory in all this.

What do I do? People already know about this wedding. I've been getting messages joking about cold feet. How could she just do all of this behind my back? What the hell am I supposed to do?

tl;dr: My fiancee has planned our entire wedding without telling me. Deposits have been made. What do I do?

corn on the cop posted:

https://www.reddit.com/r/relationships/comments/5717ye/my_fiancee29f_together_3_yrs_planned_our_entire/

quote:

I (22/f) got drunk a few weeks ago and slept with another man. Boyfriend (27/m) found out. We agreed to stay together under a term.

A few weeks ago, I got really drunk and ended up slept with another man.

Next morning, I regretted it big time and immediately let my boyfriend know and apologized like crazy in every possible way.

My boyfriend was totally upset and refused to talk to me for a few days. But when he came around, he said he'll stay with me as long as I never drink again, stay away from the bar, nightclub, or party where there will be a lot drinking. Also, I'm supposed to answer any message within an hour.

I love my boyfriend. But the term he has is incredibly strict. It is so hard to watch my friends going out having fun. My boyfriend, on the other hand, doesn't drink at all.

I tried to ask him if we can talk about it. His reply was no.

I don't know what to do anymore. It is getting so hard. I really love my boyfriend, but yet it is so hard to watch my friends go out and having fun and hearing about it knowing I have no part in it.

Does anyone have any suggestion on a compromise that may work or anything like that?

TLDR;

A few weeks ago, I got drunk and slept with another man. I told my boyfriend ASAP and apologized. My boyfriend agreed to stay with me as long as I don't drink and stay away from bars, nightclub, or party. This term is hard for me.

Gaunab posted:

Gaunab posted:

loquacius posted:

poo poo like this is what happens when you don't after someone cheats

He'll never trust her again and she'll never have fun again, they really need to just throw in the towel and move on with their lives

WampaLord posted:

In comments she makes, it's clear that she's completely unable to picture socializing without drinking, so she loses my sympathy.

Phyzzle posted:

They just ordered a cake for 2018?

WampaLord posted:

In comments she makes, it's clear that she's completely unable to picture socializing without drinking, so she loses my sympathy.

loquacius posted:

I had a long engagement too and the entire point of it was that you didn't have to plan wedding poo poo for like a year

I guess fancy venues fill up quick so you generally want to pick your date and book a venue early but other than that yeah there's no point. Even if the invitations weren't misspelled, they're gonna be sitting on the loving things for another year and a half (you're supposed to send them out three months in advance). Who knows which friends they'll have gained or lost touch with by then? It's either fake or the dumbest thing ever.

Jack Trades posted:

Although to be frank, I have no idea what I would've done if I was in the guy's shoes.

loquacius posted:

poo poo like this is what happens when you don't after someone cheats

He'll never trust her again and she'll never have fun again, they really need to just throw in the towel and move on with their lives

Phyzzle posted:

They just ordered a cake for 2018?

Pelvic Floor Wax posted:

Eh, my boyfriend cheated way back, and we're great now.

quote:

I [24F] have been out and exclusively dating women for ten years, but I think I've fallen for a close friend [27M]

Hi, Reddit.

I'm really confused right now, so I could use some outside suggestions on how to handle this.

I came out as a lesbian to my parents and everyone else when I was 14, and that was that. My parents didn't give a drat who I wanted to sleep next to, as long as they treated me well.

I joined the military when I was 19 because I wasn't sure what I wanted to do. Along the way, I met and dated a lot of people, and made a whole bunch of friends, some that I expect stay in contact with for the rest of my life.

One of those friends was Deven. I met him when I transferred to my first permanent duty station about five years ago.

Since I met Deven, I've had a high opinion of him. He and I were always friendly. But honestly did not hang out much outside of work while we were both still in the military.

Fast forward a few years, and Deven separates from the military six months before I do. He moves away, though I didn't know where. In January, I moved back to my home state. Shortly after I moved here, Deven contacted me, and as it turns out, we ended up living pretty close to each other in the same city, which was weird because Deven is not from this state. He just decided this was where he wanted to go to college.

Anyway, we started hanging out a lot. We go to concerts together, have beer nights, play Xbox, go to cigar bars, renfest, etc.

We start to get really close.

A couple of weeks ago, we had a pitcher night at one of the bars we go to sometimes downtown. We were both pretty Tipsy by the time we left. He slung his arm around me, which he has done before, but then he left it there the whole walk back to my place. He hadn't ever done that before.

As we were walking, he made the offhand comment that he would have feelings for me if I wasn't gay, and I replied without thinking that if I were into guys, I would definitely be into him. As we neared my apartment, I realized that both of us essentially just admitted we felt something for the other.

After we got back to my place, we hung out on the fire escape, and then ended up laying (cuddling) on my bed for at least three hours talking about basically everything on our minds. Intimate is the best word I can use to describe it, even though nothing sexual happened at all.

So now here I am. I'm confused as gently caress. I've never had feelings like this for a man, ever. And I'm not even sure how to go about telling him, let alone if this goes anywhere, having to tell everyone I'm dating a guy. It's like having to come out of the closet for a second time. And, I'll be honest, the lesbian community isn't very forgiving or nice to "traitors" or "posers" or whatever.

I'll surely end up losing a lot of friends and catching a lot of judgement. And I know I really don't want them as friends if that's what they do, but it still sucks and it's really hard to process.

I'm not so much worried about how to talk to him about it. That part is easy. But how do I broach this with my family and friends? Do I just wait until I'm actually dating him (if that's what happens) and instead of 'coming out' just let people figure it out on their own?

I could really use Reddit's advice on this one.

*tl;dr * been identifying as a lesbian and dating women for ten years. I realized I have feelings for a close friend [27M] and don't know how to handle 'coming out' to my friends and family again if it goes somewhere. How do I approach it?