Anonymous Confessions: I had an extremely weird dream that's going to become relevant

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Bombadilillo: Feb 28, 2009; The dock really fucks a case or nerfing it.

I used to take a lot of 9 hour road trips. I would get a Gatorade at the start of the trip for peeing. The wide mouth and scalable cap made it easy and I could seal it and throw it away at the next gas station, cause while I was peeing in a bottle I'm not a complete animal.

And it cut the trip to just one stop halfway.

And I didnt throw pee out my window.

# ? Dec 7, 2016 17:45

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# ? May 10, 2024 11:56

The Management: Jan 2, 2010; sup, bitch?

C-SPAN Caller posted:

Who has more than 44 oz of piss in them

Usually there is alcohol involved and the person's judgement of the appropriate cup size may be compromised.

# ? Dec 7, 2016 18:12

Shayu: Feb 9, 2014; Five dollars for five words.

loquacius posted:

Tonight, two totally sustainable situations that will not end poorly at all no sir

I think the gay love situation is kind of adorable, especially when compared to the usual confession (like the second one).

# ? Dec 7, 2016 18:37

loquacius: Oct 21, 2008

Shayu posted:

I think the gay love situation is kind of adorable, especially when compared to the usual confession (like the second one).

I think it's super rapey (imagine if anon was a girl if that helps) but diff'rent strokes etc

# ? Dec 7, 2016 18:46

Bombadilillo: Feb 28, 2009; The dock really fucks a case or nerfing it.

It sound like the roommate (only attracted to straight or straight acting men) has a fantasy of turning a straight guy. If goons money runs out and he does it literally to live with no other choice it becomes rapey. But it seems like 2 consenting adults doing to role-playing. Its a bit odd but whatever.

# ? Dec 7, 2016 18:51

Cool Dad: Jun 15, 2007; It is always Friday night, motherfuckers

I'm straight as hell but if someone gave me free rent drat right they could suck my dick.

# ? Dec 7, 2016 19:04

loquacius: Oct 21, 2008

Enola Gay-For-Pay posted:

I'm straight as hell but if someone gave me free rent drat right they could suck my dick.

username checks out

# ? Dec 7, 2016 19:06

Captain Yossarian: Feb 24, 2011; All new" Rings of Fire"

Let it be known that if some gay dude wants to suck my dick and also give me free things I'm 100% down

# ? Dec 7, 2016 19:07

Anne Whateley: Feb 11, 2007; i like nice words

You guys need to post that on craigslist, not here

# ? Dec 7, 2016 19:16

Malpais Legate: Oct 1, 2014

Yeah a boyfriend would be a whole lot cheaper than paying that guy's rent.

# ? Dec 7, 2016 20:03

loquacius: Oct 21, 2008

Malpais Legate posted:

Yeah a boyfriend would be a whole lot cheaper than paying that guy's rent.

also more likely to consent to actual sex

# ? Dec 7, 2016 20:05

Play: Apr 25, 2006; Strong stroll for a mangy stray

C-SPAN Caller posted:

Who has more than 44 oz of piss in them

I do, easily. Especially if drugs and alcohol is involved, I clocked myself at a minute and forty five seconds of solid stream. I'm also a tall man with large internal organs. I'd guess at least half a gallon on occasion.

It's me. I'm the pissbitch

# ? Dec 7, 2016 21:08

Harakiri Potter: Oct 18, 2004; REACH HEAVEN THROUGH VIOLENCE BABY

Play posted:

I do, easily. Especially if drugs and alcohol is involved, I clocked myself at a minute and forty five seconds of solid stream. I'm also a tall man with large internal organs. I'd guess at least half a gallon on occasion.

It's me. I'm the pissbitch

That's impressive. I knew a fat diabetic that lived in the apartment above me. He drank a lot of beer. A lot of beer. He used the bathroom in my place once and it was like a 5 minute opus of a man with a three gallon sized bladder and a huge urethra. You could hear his piss over the tv. poo poo was insane. He's dead now, he fell asleep at the wheel and crashed drunk coming home from the beach driving northbound in the southbound lanes and took a cop with him.

# ? Dec 7, 2016 21:20

loquacius: Oct 21, 2008

quote:

I have been interested in the fetish scene since I was really young. Pretty quickly after discovering that I liked girls, I also discovered that I like things up my bum, being tied up, and transformation.

Since going through puberty almost 20 years ago my romantic tastes have mutated and left me unable to get off. I haven't had an erection in a month, and haven't ejaculated since June. I can only get off if my partner is a PAWG (phat rear end white girl) but not obese. She also needs large fake breasts - the faker the better. She has to wear high heels for the entire situation, and we have to do it under bright fluorescent lights. She has to be texting her "boyfriend" at the time (this can just be fake, but I need the illusion) and needs to put up a small fight at the beginning, then stop resisting and get into it.

We move from the bedroom to a balcony or porch - something overlooking a public area. At this point she starts to rub whipped cream over her naughty bits while saying things like "I can't believe this" and "My boyfriend will hate me forever". At this point she inserts a finger or two up my bum. Also important - she needs really nicely manicured nails painted green or pink.

She must be on top for the last bit, and we have to end with me finishing on her face while music with heavy bass plays. At the end, she has to put on clown makeup and costume, then leave and say something like "my breasts got bigger from our loving". At this point I feel really satisfied, it's extremely hard to explain if you don't have fetishes like this. Just imagine the worst sex you ever had - that's what anything without all these checkboxes checked feels like.

This will sound like a joke confession but it's not. I had to pay a prostitute to pull this off last time and she told me she would never do this again. I've tried sex without meeting these exact specifications and lose my boner every single time. My last boner was a glimmer of hope (it happened while I was watching porn that didn't match this exactly), but it died off when I saw the girl had dirt under her nails.

I wish I could say "I was with you until the clown makeup" but honestly I was only with you until "haven't ejaculated since June"

Like, I don't think anyone has a fetish that leaves them unable to masturbate. I don't know how you could possibly even get a fetish that specific without porn to cater to it. Still a funny read though which is why I posted it.

speaking of short stories, here's a long short story

quote:

I live alone with my goldfish in a midwestern city. I bought a really large corner of an older industrial building that was in a really horrible area of this city, for next to nothing. There's a guy next to me making clothes and downstairs is a pottery studio and a few apartments. The place overlooks a wide street with brownstones facing me about 90 yards away across a city park, a few playgrounds and there's tons of drug dealing and prostitution going on both day and night.

I started getting interested in looking at people when I got a pair of binoculars at a yard sale. I'd sit on my couch and look at the window and there was always something interesting going on. A few months pass and I've upgraded to a spotting scope I got off ebay. I did this because the view is amazing and I know the spots where most of the action is going on. Then my place got loving broken into when I was vacationing in South America. There's not a lot to take, but they broke a lot of my poo poo. I had some hockey sweaters with my name of them, those were gone (I'm not the gay hockey goon btw) along with all of my porn dvds.

Coming home and seeing that mess made me feel pretty violated. I don't know what the gently caress they spray painted on my wall - I suck at interpreting graffiti apparently. My scope was gone and after I dealt with the cops and my insurance company, I'd buy a gun, I promised myself.

I make pretty good money. And I will admit that the break in caused what I think is now pretty bizarre behavior. At the time it made perfect sense. I had a friend out in the country who was an avid shooter. He was adamant that I get a shotgun for home defense and maybe a little plinking rifle. After I did exactly that, I had a scope mounted on my Ruger 10/22. I found myself tracking the action out in the badlands with that rifle. One mod after another, I turned this rifle into a carbon bull barreled, thumbhole stock, harris bipod, and at first a very expensive Leupold scope. I built another rifle like this with an ATN night vision scope and a suppressor, which, by the way, is a pain in the rear end to get.

Usually I left the rifles unloaded and just tracked people. I put the reticle on their head and imagine what the bullet drop would be like, with a suppressed 22. Then I'd adjust for elevation and say to myself "bang, dead". This went on for a long time. Every Sunday, I'd sit all day and do this. I added cameras to the roof and over the main entrance to the building.

I saw people spike up with what I assumed was heroin, whores blowing people in alleys, when I upgraded my night vision optics I'd see a lot more, too. But then I saw my hockey sweater hanging on a clothes post line one afternoon. I wondered who the gently caress had the audacity to do that? It'd been like a year since the break in. It was some black lady in her early 30's with a bunch of kids. I watched her house for a week. I knew when she left for work and when she got home. I tried to find a phone number with her address but it never worked, I guess she didn't have a land line. There was a person talking to me inside my head saying "she has a bunch of kids, teens mostly. They probably had something to do with my robbery". I wrote her a paragraph inside of a greeting card with a red envelope telling her about my property. Not the smartest thing to do, I thought. She loving knows my last name, and man I sweated that, after I dropped the letter into the big blue USPS box. No biggie. I have a pretty common name.

She's a nice looking black lady with ever changing hair. She didn't ever have any company over. I must have had her in my sights 1000 times. I probably "shot" her in the head dozens of times. I could imagine all the splatter marks on the sidewalks over there, on the short steps in front of the houses where all the blacks lived. I didn't expect it when I walked down to the corner market to get eggs to see a flier with a picture of my hockey sweater with "is this yours? call 555-1212". I took the flier, and called her on my google number. She was home; I know, I saw her talking on her stoop to me.

I walk over to get my sweater. She's embarrassed and invites me in. I'm sitting in her kitchen, looking around. I've never seen the inside of her house like this. There was a mystery shadow near her front window on the first floor that I never figured out with my scope - it was like an hourglass torso thing for tailors. She designed and sewed dresses. I didn't expect it to go this well. We were talking very closely. She told me she bought the sweater at the Goodwill because she liked the design and kids love sports stuff. I left and gave her my number and explained that I was a good neighbor, she could keep the sweater. That I was keeping an eye on the neighborhood.

Now I'm pretty much focused on her. I didn't find her attractive at first, but now she was all I found attractive. I'd follow her for as long as I could whenever I could with my scope. I jacked it to her once when she sewed a new pattern sitting on her couch and was watching tv near her window. I texted her in the middle of this, she answered back "lets go get a drink, I could use a break". So I finished off my session and washed up and picked her up. I wasn't about to go into some ghetto bar. Drove out to an Applebees and drank girlie drinks with her to kinda make fun. I was pretty wasted, and we smoked some weed she had in my car. Driving home I started talking to her about my feelings. I told her I saw her a lot. I guess I didn't want to freak her out with the whole "Oh, I'm watching you go to the corner store through the scope of loaded rifle every day" but that's hard to do when you're making out with what you consider to be all that is perfect and beautiful in the world.

The next night we went out for dinner. She wore this amazing blue dress and we went to a steak house. Then we saw a lovely X Men film, and stood in the parking lot of like an hour talking about stuff. She wanted to come over but my place was set up like NASA's Houston Groundstation. I'd put cameras on the outside of my place, had 3 spotting scopes on the ledges, a small arsenal in gun racks right in plain view. There was no way I could let her come over. I told my place was a mess. She played with my hard cock the whole ride home. It was sheer torture, dropping her off. She texted me that she thought it was hot that I could turn her down because I didn't want to disgust her.

Next day, I go into full cleaning mode. I moved all the crazy surveillance poo poo into a closet and had her over to watch Monday Night Football. We get tipsy, and stoned and she's on her knees sucking my cock. I felt something weird and boom, she's jerking me off, talking dirty as poo poo and then I hear this "omg there's something horribly wrong" and I stand up and there's blood shooting out of my dick, mixed with semen.

I wipe myself off, shower, she's freaking out, I'm freaking out, then I go to take a piss, no blood. Go to doctor and find out I've got prostate cancer, and pretty bad. Oh well. As I went through treatment I never pointed a rifle at anyone. I never fired a round. I promised if poo poo went terminal, that I'd clean up the neighborhood one afternoon, but thankfully that hasn't happened.

It's been a few months and my state has returned to normal. I have no real sex drive. I've added a few things to help me watch the people out there and sometimes I go back and look at video of the woman I dated, who moved down south for work. We stayed in touch for a little while, but then I stopped answering her texts. Don't be sad, I've got a lot of new guns, a thermal camera and a really killer parabolic mic that is crazy loving hi-fi.

At the end there I was really hoping it was gonna turn into the other one about bloody cancer jizz but it didn't

A request: I think we've about exhausted the narrative possibilities of bloody cancer jizz

# ? Dec 7, 2016 21:20

Shayu: Feb 9, 2014; Five dollars for five words.

loquacius posted:

I think it's super rapey (imagine if anon was a girl if that helps) but diff'rent strokes etc

I do not think you can describe something as "rapey"... It is either rape or not, and if they both consent then it cannot be rape. I think it is also a little sexist to say it would be worse if anon was a woman, but I sort of agree, so I suppose that I would not feel the same if he was a woman, I am a little sexist as well, then.

# ? Dec 7, 2016 21:20

loquacius: Oct 21, 2008

Shayu posted:

I do not think you can describe something as "rapey"... It is either rape or not, and if they both consent then it cannot be rape. I think it is also a little sexist to say it would be worse if anon was a woman, but I sort of agree, so I suppose that I would not feel the same if he was a woman, I am a little sexist as well, then.

You can definitely describe things that are not rape as rapey. "Rapey" just means "evocative of rape". If you, eg, go up to a stranger, grab their arm, and say "hey, come with me into this dark alley" while licking your lips, that is not actually rape, but it sure is rapey. And if you take advantage of someone's poor financial status to extract sexual favors from them even though they are not sexually attracted to you, that feels pretty rapey too. But rapeyness is a subjective term, I suppose.

# ? Dec 7, 2016 21:32

McGavin: Sep 18, 2012

loquacius posted:

I have been interested in the fetish scene since I was really young. Pretty quickly after discovering that I liked girls, I also discovered that I like things up my bum, being tied up, and transformation.

Since going through puberty almost 20 years ago my romantic tastes have mutated and left me unable to get off. I haven't had an erection in a month, and haven't ejaculated since June. I can only get off if my partner is a PAWG (phat rear end white girl) but not obese. She also needs large fake breasts - the faker the better. She has to wear high heels for the entire situation, and we have to do it under bright fluorescent lights. She has to be texting her "boyfriend" at the time (this can just be fake, but I need the illusion) and needs to put up a small fight at the beginning, then stop resisting and get into it.

We move from the bedroom to a balcony or porch - something overlooking a public area. At this point she starts to rub whipped cream over her naughty bits while saying things like "I can't believe this" and "My boyfriend will hate me forever". At this point she inserts a finger or two up my bum. Also important - she needs really nicely manicured nails painted green or pink.

She must be on top for the last bit, and we have to end with me finishing on her face while music with heavy bass plays. At the end, she has to put on clown makeup and costume, then leave and say something like "my breasts got bigger from our loving". At this point I feel really satisfied, it's extremely hard to explain if you don't have fetishes like this. Just imagine the worst sex you ever had - that's what anything without all these checkboxes checked feels like.

This will sound like a joke confession but it's not. I had to pay a prostitute to pull this off last time and she told me she would never do this again. I've tried sex without meeting these exact specifications and lose my boner every single time. My last boner was a glimmer of hope (it happened while I was watching porn that didn't match this exactly), but it died off when I saw the girl had dirt under her nails.

I see you finally got around to posting Jastiger's confession.

# ? Dec 7, 2016 21:35

Jose: Jul 24, 2007; Adrian Chiles is a broadcaster and writer

i went ot see my very attractive dentist earlier tonight and now i'm wondering if thats a fetish because having someone poke around and scrape your teeth and such isn't very pleasant

# ? Dec 7, 2016 21:42

Sjs00: Jun 29, 2013; Yeah Baby Yeah !

People really have too many guns

# ? Dec 7, 2016 21:44

monkeytennis: Apr 26, 2007; Toilet Rascal

Jose posted:

i went ot see my very attractive dentist earlier tonight and now i'm wondering if thats a fetish because having someone poke around and scrape your teeth and such isn't very pleasant

It's not pleasant but having her breasts pressed against your neck and shoulders while she cleans your teeth sure is. I make sure I visit six-monthly instead of the yearly appointments my MILFy dentist says I need.

Well, there's my confession I suppose!

# ? Dec 7, 2016 22:35

omnibobb: Dec 3, 2005; Title text'd

monkeytennis posted:

It's not pleasant but having her breasts pressed against your neck and shoulders while she cleans your teeth sure is. I make sure I visit six-monthly instead of the yearly appointments my MILFy dentist says I need.

Well, there's my confession I suppose!

This is basically how I met my exwife.

# ? Dec 7, 2016 22:38

Solice Kirsk: Jun 1, 2004; .

monkeytennis posted:

It's not pleasant but having her breasts pressed against your neck and shoulders while she cleans your teeth sure is. I make sure I visit six-monthly instead of the yearly appointments my MILFy dentist says I need.

Well, there's my confession I suppose!

There's no reason for her to be shoving her tits into your neck, she digs you. Make a move my man! You're just a little bravery away from a novocained mouth full of crotch!

# ? Dec 7, 2016 22:40

Bombadilillo: Feb 28, 2009; The dock really fucks a case or nerfing it.

Solice Kirsk posted:

There's no reason for her to be shoving her tits into your neck, she digs you. Make a move my man! You're just a little bravery away from a novocained mouth full of crotch!

Yeah if her tots are touching you at all, let alone cupping your neck, for any amount of time it it on purpose.

Maybe she likes to see if she can boner guys in the chair. But its probably a hint.

Does she talk about things like resteraunts and bars she likes to go to? During the obligatory dentist small talk?

# ? Dec 7, 2016 22:52

sephiRoth IRA: Jun 13, 2007; "Science is not only compatible with spirituality; it is a profound source of spirituality."

-Carl Sagan

Pro: dentist sex

Con: crippling life-long mouth problems as a result of letting your dental hygiene go so you can see your dentist more often

# ? Dec 7, 2016 22:57

Solice Kirsk: Jun 1, 2004; .

areyoucontagious posted:

Pro: dentist sex

Con: crippling life-long mouth problems as a result of letting your dental hygiene go so you can see your dentist more often

The pro-tier move would be to simply pull a tooth out each time you want to see her. Have her pop that bad boy right back in there and make a joke about "we gotta stop meeting like this!"

# ? Dec 7, 2016 23:13

Sorryformybadjokes: Apr 21, 2004; I identify as a simian who pronounces the 'silent' letters in words.; Fallen Rib

I would have thought that most dentists probably have a hangup when it comes to peeps with hosed up teef and wouldn't go near that poo poo

# ? Dec 8, 2016 00:09

Solice Kirsk: Jun 1, 2004; .

Eh, I'm a banker and I still date people that get overdraft fees.

Just kidding. If you don't have a 721+ credit rating then stop talking to me.

# ? Dec 8, 2016 00:25

free basket of chips: Sep 7, 2012; by FactsAreUseless

Solice Kirsk posted:

Eh, I'm a banker and I still date people that get overdraft fees.

Just kidding. If you don't have a 721+ credit rating then stop talking to me.

Wait, does overdrafting effect credit rating? I'll occasional overdraft but my bank just pulls the difference out of my savings..

# ? Dec 8, 2016 00:44

alpaca diseases: May 19, 2009

Harakiri Potter posted:

That's impressive. I knew a fat diabetic that lived in the apartment above me. He drank a lot of beer. A lot of beer. He used the bathroom in my place once and it was like a 5 minute opus of a man with a three gallon sized bladder and a huge urethra. You could hear his piss over the tv. poo poo was insane. He's dead now, he fell asleep at the wheel and crashed drunk coming home from the beach driving northbound in the southbound lanes and took a cop with him

Pissbitch: A true American hero

# ? Dec 8, 2016 02:04

Putty: Mar 21, 2013; HOOKED ON THE BROTHERS

Solice Kirsk posted:

There's no reason for her to be shoving her tits into your neck, she digs you. Make a move my man! You're just a little bravery away from a novocained mouth full of crotch!

The dentists at my place do the boob shoving but they are all literally 60 years old.

Do not hit on your dentists goons.

# ? Dec 8, 2016 02:36

you irl: Jan 22, 2014

@ piss bottle users: why don't you just drink the piss? you can drive forever...

# ? Dec 8, 2016 03:01

Sorryformybadjokes: Apr 21, 2004; I identify as a simian who pronounces the 'silent' letters in words.; Fallen Rib

when i was a kid drinking beers I peed in a beer bottle but obviously the human bladder is bigger than 330ml so the bottle overflowed and I couldn't stop peeing so I jammed my penis-head against the top of the bottle but it was more like putting your finger on the end of a hose and piss just sprayed loving everywhere

# ? Dec 8, 2016 03:17

The Royal Nonesuch: Nov 1, 2005

Putty posted:

The dentists at my place do the boob shoving but they are all literally 60 years old.

Do not hit on your dentists goons.

wrong, but right in your situation

The Royal Nonesuch fucked around with this message at 20:09 on Jan 15, 2017

# ? Dec 8, 2016 03:22

ScRoTo TuRbOtUrD: Jan 21, 2007

Harakiri Potter posted:

That's impressive. I knew a fat diabetic that lived in the apartment above me. He drank a lot of beer. A lot of beer. He used the bathroom in my place once and it was like a 5 minute opus of a man with a three gallon sized bladder and a huge urethra. You could hear his piss over the tv. poo poo was insane. He's dead now, he fell asleep at the wheel and crashed drunk coming home from the beach driving northbound in the southbound lanes and took a cop with him.

thats cool as hell. goodnight sweet prince.

# ? Dec 8, 2016 03:36

The Management: Jan 2, 2010; sup, bitch?

Women have tits and sometimes they need to bend over. And maybe they're acting extra cool about it because they know you can feel them on your greasy nerd body and they're hoping you're not going to make it awkward by expressing the creepy thoughts that they know are in your head.

# ? Dec 8, 2016 04:18

Sjs00: Jun 29, 2013; Yeah Baby Yeah !

So you're saying my rash decision to get my wisdom teeth pulled without going under wasn't impressive??

# ? Dec 8, 2016 04:24

Sorryformybadjokes: Apr 21, 2004; I identify as a simian who pronounces the 'silent' letters in words.; Fallen Rib

The Management posted:

Women have tits and sometimes they need to bend over. And maybe they're acting extra cool about it because they know you can feel them on your greasy nerd body and they're hoping you're not going to make it awkward by expressing the creepy thoughts that they know are in your head.

Holy poo poo that is so hot

# ? Dec 8, 2016 06:01

Atlas Hugged: Mar 12, 2007; Put your arms around me,
fiddly digits, itchy britches
I love you all

It is incredibly rare for blood in the semen to be a symptom of prostate cancer. It's not impossible, but it's not typical.

# ? Dec 8, 2016 06:19

Solice Kirsk: Jun 1, 2004; .

free basket of chips posted:

Wait, does overdrafting effect credit rating? I'll occasional overdraft but my bank just pulls the difference out of my savings..

No, it doesn't affect your credit. The only way a bank account could affect it is if you had an account accumulate a bunch of fees and then left it negative until the bank charged it off or sends it to their collections area.

# ? Dec 8, 2016 07:03

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# ? May 10, 2024 11:56

monkeytennis: Apr 26, 2007; Toilet Rascal

The Management posted:

Women have tits and sometimes they need to bend over. And maybe they're acting extra cool about it because they know you can feel them on your greasy nerd body and they're hoping you're not going to make it awkward by expressing the creepy thoughts that they know are in your head.

Keep going I'm almost there...

# ? Dec 8, 2016 08:34

The Something Awful Forums > Main > General Bullshit > Anonymous Confessions: I had an extremely weird dream that's going to become relevant

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