Anonymous Confessions: I had an extremely weird dream that's going to become relevant

The Something Awful Forums > Main > General Bullshit > Anonymous Confessions: I had an extremely weird dream that's going to become relevant

«‹›572 »

Captain Yossarian: Feb 24, 2011; All new" Rings of Fire"

bradzilla posted:

I am in a happy marriage and do the sex to my wife daily. This needs to be an anonymous confession

Me too, with your wife, as well

# ? Dec 22, 2016 21:44

Adbot: ADBOT LOVES YOU

# ? May 10, 2024 06:10

loquacius: Oct 21, 2008

this one has a certain poetry

quote:

Hi, I posted my confession earlier in the thread, I was the dude living with his sister who had the loving annoying dog, I dunno it wasn't really memorable I think I got dethroned as the dog assassin by someone with a way gnarlier confession but tbh gently caress reading through the whole thread to find anything like that.

Things have changed at the tail end of 2016, not for the better either. We found a house anyhow and that's all sorted but now the dog has gone from a hypothetical problem, limiting my options for moving to directly becoming a loving financial risk / bad for me mentally.

The first thing to know about the new house? Floating floors, which means if you spill liquid on it and don't wipe it up instantly the entire floor goes bullshit and tears itself up at the corners. So this piece of poo poo loving animal that I hate has suddenly become unhouse trained since we moved it, it /refuses/ to go outside and has started pissing at the door. In the same spot, Of course we rub her nose in it and lock her outside which leads to a solid night of barking and whining.

If you've never heard a Pomeranian Chihuahua cross whining I want you to imagine the human equivalent of a dog whistle, the sound of a clown slowly releasing the air from a balloon, fingers tugging the neck wide so it /squeals/, a piercing screech that repeats with every exhalation of her breathing cycle, for twelve hours straight, literally from dusk till dawn.

We're likely making the problem worse by locking her outside, when outside is where she has to go and want to go, I know it. My sister knows it, but we can't just put up with her pissing there. We could lose our loving bond over that poo poo. Before I wanted to kill the dog in a detached, clinical way but now I want to drop my knee on its head and punch it to death viscerally like an ape, I want to swing it against the loving stones like a dirty rag till it stops loving whining forever.

worse yet our new neighbors are white trash garbage people who's kids antagonize the dog, making it bark. They do nothing about it. Of course the catharsis value they get out of it is probably because they too want to kill this bad dog, I don't blame them, if the noise is annoying to me or the only person who even remotely likes the animal, my sister, than I cannot imagine how loving annoying she is for our neighbors.

I hate this dog, I hate it, its a visible, visceral representation of everything I hate about my sister in living form.

I might have mentioned how we acquired this demon the last time but to recap, my sister literally just impulse bought a puppy, the dog is literally a living, physical embodiment of everything annoying about her as a person, she's neurotic, its neurotic. She commits to mistakes, she still flippantly defends herself over it or provides a loving platitude or most annoyingly gets mad at you for bringing it up, as if 'too late now' is a valid concept when the root problem you created in your life is STILL ONGOING.

I know the terminology is overused but I literally shake, quaking with anger when I am sitting around and the dog goes spastic at a passing person or the sounds of the other dogs moving next door, this loud, obnoxious, badly trained, badly bred, single creature infestation of an animal literally is going to drive my family apart AGAIN because I don't think I'll be able to stop myself from killing it in a fit of rage one very bad day.

I'm gonna tell you now what I told you last time: there are ways to not have a dog anymore that do not involve dog murder. Give your dog away. Try Craigslist, or try a pet shelter if you have to. Just don't murder the dog.

quote:

Like a lot of goons, I have really terrible health and don't take care of myself at all. I eat fastfood almost every day, drink 4-5 cups of coffee and/or red bulls a day, and I get maybe 5 hours of sleep on most nights.

I'm also a long haul truck driver, so I sit on my butt almost all day unless I'm lifting heavy things. Not a good combination and it finally caught up to me over the summer. I blacked out while driving, drove my truck into a ditch, and woke up hours later in the hospital.

I went in for surgery. I had a near death experience then, which is the confession since most people don't believe in that kind of thing. But I do now.

I saw my uncle telling me to not open a giant door, which was a big beautiful wooden door. I felt a strong compulsion to open it, though. Then things got fuzzy and I woke up 2 days later, the doctors having successfully removed 3 feet of my large intestine, inserted an ostomy bag, and inserted the leads for dialysis.

Nothing else to say, but I really believe if I opened that door I'd be dead today.

I believe you saw what you saw, but I don't really believe that coma-induced hallucinations translate 1:1 into literally how death works

# ? Dec 22, 2016 21:52

Danaru: Jun 5, 2012; 何 ??

What monster would breed the two yappingest dog breeds together, and what monster would impulse buy it :magical:

Also please do not hurt the tiny bark, it's a victim in this too.

# ? Dec 22, 2016 22:03

Dr Cheeto: Mar 2, 2013; Wretched Harp

I have frequent sex with a variety of partners and I love anime

# ? Dec 22, 2016 22:14

grumplestiltzkin: Jun 7, 2012; Ass, gas, or grass. No one rides for free.

imo get rid of the sister, she seems to be the root problem

# ? Dec 22, 2016 22:48

Jose: Jul 24, 2007; Adrian Chiles is a broadcaster and writer

KomodoWagon posted:

To be fair, most children are horrible and don't deserve gifts.

lol i was probated so couldn't highlight this post before

# ? Dec 22, 2016 22:54

Captain Yossarian: Feb 24, 2011; All new" Rings of Fire"

Jose posted:

lol i was probated so couldn't highlight this post before

Thanks friend another insight into the life of Komodo

# ? Dec 22, 2016 23:52

you irl: Jan 22, 2014

lots of idiots give their dog away rather than train them, but only a true shithead kills their dog

# ? Dec 23, 2016 03:44

kalel: Jun 19, 2012

dog goon, you haven't experienced pet-related misery until you've lived in a house with a parrot that squawks every. hour. every. day. and flaps in your face until you feed it a peanut

# ? Dec 23, 2016 04:15

Danaru: Jun 5, 2012; 何 ??

SciFiDownBeat posted:

dog goon, you haven't experienced pet-related misery until you've lived in a house with a parrot that squawks every. hour. every. day. and flaps in your face until you feed it a peanut

I have yet to meet a bird that wasn't a complete dickhole

# ? Dec 23, 2016 04:20

loquacius: Oct 21, 2008

quote:

My wife and I, who I love dearly and plan to stay with for the rest of my life, beat the poo poo out of each other as a sexual game. I'm talking knock down, drag out fighting. We have both had broken limbs, busted out teeth, black eyes, and a whole host of other injuries.

We never plan to have kids, and we never involve anyone else. So it's (as these things go) harmless. We also have safewords but we have never used them yet, I'm not sure how far things would have to go to use them. This weekend, just to give you some ideas of what I'm talking about, we smashed each other with rubber mallets as foreplay. My wife then bodychecked me through the glass door leading to the backyard, and I proceeded to use a shard of glass to slice her nipples up a bit. So yes, it's admittedly a bit extreme as fetishes go.

so uh you guys break each other's limbs and slice each others' nipples regularly huh

sounds sustainable

quote:

I loved my wife and was excited for our 2nd Christmas as husband and wife.

I used her laptop to order her a Christmas present and saw she had googled "Divorce Attorneys in PA" and "Can I get a divorce and alimony if I cheated".

Did a little more snooping on her laptop at this point - she was always logged in to facebook. Nothing there. Had a hunch to check out OKCupid. Bingo - laptop auto-filled her user name and password. I found THOUSANDS of sexually explicit messages between her and around a dozen other guys.

Went one step further and called off work one day unknown to her. Tailed her car and found her going to a house, then coming out a few hours later with her arms around a guy. Took enough photos to prove what happened.

Over the course of 2 weeks I built an airtight case against her. I will divorce her, she will get nothing financially, and I will get full custody of our baby son. Not how I pictured my life, but she's dead to me at this point, and I love my son more than anything.

Merry Christmas bitch, when you open the big box I've got under the tree you'll find a nice stack of papers outlining everything, along with my lawyer who you can contact at your leisure.

the believability of this one basically depends on what you define as the bounds of human stupidity

# ? Dec 23, 2016 05:00

Putty: Mar 21, 2013; HOOKED ON THE BROTHERS

where do you store all your glass doors

# ? Dec 23, 2016 05:43

let it mellow: Jun 1, 2000; Dinosaur Gum

Putty posted:

where do you store all your glass doors

ya glass doors are made of safety glass so that dudes confession can't happen

# ? Dec 23, 2016 05:49

Putty: Mar 21, 2013; HOOKED ON THE BROTHERS

"safety" glass? sounds more like divorce glass to me honey

# ? Dec 23, 2016 05:52

let it mellow: Jun 1, 2000; Dinosaur Gum

Putty posted:

"safety" glass? sounds more like divorce glass to me honey

there's no shards tho, unless the confessor was Grover and made his own glass doors

# ? Dec 23, 2016 05:56

Danaru: Jun 5, 2012; 何 ??

I am the most extreme sex haver one time I stuck my dick through three flaming hoops and landed it directly into her thumbtack filled vargerna and it comed her like a hundred times this is real and happened

# ? Dec 23, 2016 05:57

Solice Kirsk: Jun 1, 2004; .

Danaru posted:

I am the most extreme sex haver one time I stuck my dick through three flaming hoops and landed it directly into her thumbtack filled vargerna and it comed her like a hundred times this is real and happened

I believe you.

# ? Dec 23, 2016 05:59

Panfilo: Aug 27, 2011; EXISTENCE IS PAIN😬

Danaru posted:

I am the most extreme sex haver one time I stuck my dick through three flaming hoops and landed it directly into her thumbtack filled vargerna and it comed her like a hundred times this is real and happened

Fetlife tells me this checks out.

# ? Dec 23, 2016 06:16

The Management: Jan 2, 2010; sup, bitch?

SciFiDownBeat posted:

dog goon, you haven't experienced pet-related misery until you've lived in a house with a parrot that squawks every. hour. every. day. and flaps in your face until you feed it a peanut

I would never hurt a dog but I am 100% pro murdering any birds kept as pets.

# ? Dec 23, 2016 06:41

Solice Kirsk: Jun 1, 2004; .

The Management posted:

I would never hurt a dog but I am 100% pro murdering any birds kept as pets.

Birds are delicious. Never had dog though. Maybe they're delicious too.

# ? Dec 23, 2016 06:43

DRINK ME: Jul 31, 2006; i cant fix avs like this because idk the bbcode - HTML IS BS MAN

loquacius posted:

Merry Christmas bitch, when you open the big box I've got under the tree you'll find a nice stack of papers outlining everything, along with my lawyer who you can contact at your leisure.

So first you have this Elf on the shelf poo poo, now you have divorce lawyer in a big box?
Y'all Americans really ain't getting Christmas.

# ? Dec 23, 2016 06:49

you irl: Jan 22, 2014

my wife and i regularly murder each other as a sexual game. just yesterday she shot me 10 times in the chest with a 44. i came so hard!

# ? Dec 23, 2016 11:12

Dr Cheeto: Mar 2, 2013; Wretched Harp

you irl posted:

my wife and i regularly murder each other as a sexual game. just yesterday she shot me 10 times in the chest with a 44. i came so hard!

PM me

# ? Dec 23, 2016 12:34

Cool Dad: Jun 15, 2007; It is always Friday night, motherfuckers

DRINK ME posted:

So first you have this Elf on the shelf poo poo, now you have divorce lawyer in a big box?
Y'all Americans really ain't getting Christmas.

What is with this elf on a shelf thing anyway, where the hell did that come from? I'd never heard it before last year, I still don't know what it means or refers to.

# ? Dec 23, 2016 15:04

ReidRansom: Oct 25, 2004

Danaru posted:

I am the most extreme sex haver one time I stuck my dick through three flaming hoops and landed it directly into her thumbtack filled vargerna and it comed her like a hundred times this is real and happened

I gently caress on a pile of Legos myself

# ? Dec 23, 2016 15:10

you irl: Jan 22, 2014

Enola Gay-For-Pay posted:

What is with this elf on a shelf thing anyway, where the hell did that come from? I'd never heard it before last year, I still don't know what it means or refers to.

its a euphemism for the clitoris - the "elf" on the "shelf", get it?

# ? Dec 23, 2016 15:17

loquacius: Oct 21, 2008

DRINK ME posted:

So first you have this Elf on the shelf poo poo, now you have divorce lawyer in a big box?
Y'all Americans really ain't getting Christmas.

Yeah everyone in America is always getting divorced on Christmas; it's an American tradition

Enola Gay-For-Pay posted:

What is with this elf on a shelf thing anyway, where the hell did that come from? I'd never heard it before last year, I still don't know what it means or refers to.

It's some weird thing some parents started doing at some point where they put a toy elf somewhere in their house which is supposed to be spying on their kids and reporting their behavior to Santa Claus

Now granted I'm not the most Christmasy guy around, but I think it's p creepy

# ? Dec 23, 2016 15:20

Pershing: Feb 21, 2010; John "Black Jack" Pershing
Hard Fucking Core

'2nd Christmas' goon: How sure are you that its 'our' baby?

# ? Dec 23, 2016 15:38

loquacius: Oct 21, 2008

One more chapter in the gay-roommate saga

quote:

Hi. I've made a new email for that straight guy with rent-paying gay roommate to contact me: closetmonsteranon(at)gmail(dot)com.

My confession about ruining my friendship with my straight friend through all the touchy feeling poo poo still haunts me around his birthday every year. I take back calling him a lovely person. He just did some lovely things at the end, but he wasn't a lovely person. I was a monster and regret a lot of what I've done. I have learned from it too.

2010 was 6 years ago and I've changed a lot. I'm not in a relationship right now, but I do keep my hands to myself now. Still, I feel like utter trash when I think of him.

I don't think he hates me though. 2 years ago we ran into each other with a mutual friend and we exchanged some apologies. Some. He shook my hand, and that was the last time I really saw him. I remember trying to sleep that night and it was very difficult with all the memories rushing back in my head. Don't know if I still love him, but drat I did love him the most out of the dudes I secretly dated.

Don't really know if I'd be much help for straight dude, but I will try to help him understand how gay roommate feels. I don't intend to use this account often, so I'll stop checking my email after a week or so. Sorry if I don't end up replying in a timely manner. Thanks.

I double-checked that he was ok with me posting this email in the thread and he said yes, which I guess makes sense since he appears to have created it for that purpose.

quote:

A quick update: I'm the recently realized trans goon from a bit back. After writing the confession I was going through my dude clothes and found myself completely unhappy with anything 'male'. My struggle with my identity has gotten worse over the past year or so, and it became too much and I finally sat my fiancee down and told her how I was feeling.

She took a little bit to respond, but she eventually told me she wants me to do what I need to to be happy, and that she'll be there for me as best she can. I really don't deserve someone this great, but she apparently wants to stick with me regardless!

I'm going to be setting up some meetings with my physician soon to start talking about HRT/etc. I'm not ready to start dressing in woman's clothes every day of course, but I'm planning to slowly weed out my guy outfits over the coming months and replace them with something more fitting who I feel that I am.

Please Root for me to become a goon success, thread!

I'm glad that worked out

# ? Dec 23, 2016 15:40

The Management: Jan 2, 2010; sup, bitch?

loquacius posted:

I'm glad that worked out

ETA until he starts loving dudes on the side?

# ? Dec 23, 2016 16:56

kalel: Jun 19, 2012

Depends, how long does the reassignment surgery take

# ? Dec 23, 2016 17:40

Cool Dad: Jun 15, 2007; It is always Friday night, motherfuckers

quote:

She took a little bit to respond, but she eventually told me she wants me to do what I need to to be happy, and that she'll be there for me as best she can. I really don't deserve someone this great, but she apparently wants to stick with me regardless!

I dunno that doesn't sound super committed or enthusiastic about her upcoming lesbian wedding.

# ? Dec 23, 2016 21:31

Putty: Mar 21, 2013; HOOKED ON THE BROTHERS

I would highly suggest large amounts of therapy before cutting your sausage off.

# ? Dec 23, 2016 21:41

yeah I eat ass: Mar 14, 2005; only people who enjoy my posting can replace this avatar

Enola Gay-For-Pay posted:

I dunno that doesn't sound super committed or enthusiastic about her upcoming lesbian wedding.

Yeah I mean best of luck and all but that just screams of "I will play along and hope this is just a phase". In the end either she is straight and will eventually leave you since shes not into women or she will play along but always consider you a man deep down.

# ? Dec 23, 2016 22:17

Play: Apr 25, 2006; Strong stroll for a mangy stray

loquacius posted:

It's some weird thing some parents started doing at some point where they put a toy elf somewhere in their house which is supposed to be spying on their kids and reporting their behavior to Santa Claus

Now granted I'm not the most Christmasy guy around, but I think it's p creepy

This is only practical if you actually insert a small video recorder into the elf, then download the footage and email it to santa clas. Do they think santa claus is some kind of poltergeist just waiting for parental word to inhabit the body of a plush elf? smdh

# ? Dec 23, 2016 22:22