Anonymous Confessions: I had an extremely weird dream that's going to become relevant

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loquacius: Oct 21, 2008

Merry Christmas everyone, I got you two presents which I also give you every other day

quote:

The town I live in was usually slow and laid back. We're all pretty drat lazy and don't really get active, which includes poo poo like playing videogames and eating your weight in junk food daily.

Recently, this one guy has appeared in the neighborhood and is just constantly sprinting all over the place. He wears a stupid blue uniform and jogs everywhere at a lightning fast speed which frankly juts pisses me off. To remedy this, me and a bunch of buddies have come up with plans to annoy this guy while jogging enough to maybe get him to piss off for good. We've tried putting banana peels in the areas he usually runs in and have even tried throwing nets at him. He usually just dodges all this poo poo without losing pace or my friends gently caress up the traps. We've been doing this almost daily to the point I'm starting to lose hair over this.

You might call me a juvenile villain for this, but I am number one in this drat town and aim to keep it that way.

the gooniest Wile E Coyote

quote:

My confession is neither spicy nor embarrassing, and I apologize. I am also not a native english speaker so I apologize for any bad english or weird words.

First to me, I'm in my mid-30s now, about two years ago I lost my dead-end job and the woman I wanted to spend the rest of my life with went with that too. I basically wasted every opportunity to make something of myself in my 20s, I can't really put it in any different words. Completely on me. I was broke, couldn't find work and was massively, massively depressed. Almost ready to end it all, to be honest. Everyone including that one friend I managed to make in my life was just beating down on me, telling me what a slacker and loser I was. In the culture of the country I'm living in, work is very, very important. It defines you. Somebody unemployed is a social outcast. The worst of the worst. I never saw it that way, but that is how it is.

I then played in the lottery. I haven't played my entire life. My father was hugely addicted to that stuff, betting, the lottery etc. - he still is. Half his retirement goes there. Never wins anything and he's constantly broke and being an rear end in a top hat about it, too. Already when very young I saw what a waste of money it was and what an idiot he is. But I figured, hey - why not. Nothing to lose. Got my state lottery ticket. (again, non-american) The fantasy to win was enough for me in that hard time, I didn't really consider it.

You probably can see where this is going - I won. Big. Emptied out a huge jackpot together with only two other people. What they don't tell you is that a lot of the money you win you actually will never see, but it was still so much that it didn't even matter. The whole process after winning is mindbogglingly simple and only a short time later, all that money is on your account. Just like that. All my problems solved.

I knew the stories of lottery winners ruining themselves by trying to live a lifestyle even their lottery win couldn't sustain and was very worried falling down that hole. I have to admit that I know nothing about money. I was poor my entire life. The only thing I knew about "saving money" was basically leaving it in your bank account when you don't need it that month. Not that I was wasteful, I just never had much. So I turned to financial professionals. It wasn't cheap, but they did and still do some very smart things for me. The money is safe. If things continue with my conservative financing, I can basically live an upper middle class lifestyle in my country until the end of my days and I don't have to work a single day ever again if I don't want to.

What I am confessing is, that besides the people reading this now, nobody knows. I haven't told anybody. Not my family, not my friend, nobody. I still live in the same tiny apartment. I feel ok here, no need to move. I still drive the train, still go shopping in the same places for the same cheap things. I only spent serious money on a new computer and screen (old ones were very ancient) and some good tools for my electronics hobby. I plan on maybe taking a real vacation (= not visiting relatives) next year. Nothing crazy, just visiting a nice and different country. I feel a little ashamed, but I never want to tell my family. They were never nice to me. I don't want to share anything with them.

Because I wasn't constantly in the gutter lately, I got more open. Talked to more people than ever before, even if mostly on the internet. I met a nice young woman who lives in a western country far away from here. She is suffering from OCD (the real sort, not the self-diagnosed sort) and has a very difficult life. We talk very, very often, almost every day for many hours. She also doesn't know. She thinks I am poor like her. We got very close, as close as people can get over the internet. We promised each other no christmas presents. She was always so nice to me, even when she thought I have nothing. So different than women here. Somehow I am afraid of telling her of my situation. I feel it wouldn't make us equal anymore. I also want to somehow share some wealth with her, I just am not sure how to do this.

Anyways, whoever says money doesn't make happy, lies. It has solved all my problems.

Money brings you happiness if your primary problems all revolve around not having money. Rich people who already have more money than they'll ever need but spend all day every day struggling to get even more of it are all secretly miserable, but up until the point where all your material needs are met, money will increase your happiness, mostly because as anon said, it will very directly solve the kinds of problems poor people have.

# ? Dec 25, 2016 16:50

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# ? May 23, 2024 20:31

Panfilo: Aug 27, 2011; EXISTENCE IS PAIN😬

That confession sounds very similar to the r/relationships story about the guys gf who couldn't be assed to pay for hot water for their apartment but ended up being secretly wealthy.

# ? Dec 25, 2016 17:22

Tinestram: Jan 13, 2006; Excalibur? More like "Needle"; Grimey Drawer

loquacius posted:

the gooniest Wile E Coyote

This is literally a meme ("We Are Number One"). Props to the poster on the "losing hair" bit as I'm guessing that's an intentional reference to the chemo treatment the actor's going through.

# ? Dec 25, 2016 17:37

The Management: Jan 2, 2010; sup, bitch?

Lotto goon was doing pretty good until he got up to the internet girl. Internet relationships can be great but they are not real relationships. You can form a bond with someone when they expose only one aspect of themselves to you that wouldn't work if you met the complete person. Enjoy your friendship and your closeness, but don't tell her about the money because it will change the entire dynamic. And definitely don't give her any money.

Having said that, she is a distraction from your real life. Your goal should be to meet a real person in your country that you can have sex with and maybe love, too. You seem like you have some issues to work through before you get there so maybe now use the opportunity to work on those.

# ? Dec 25, 2016 17:49

Sjs00: Jun 29, 2013; Yeah Baby Yeah !

The Management posted:

Lotto goon was doing pretty good until he got up to the internet girl. Internet relationships can be great but they are not real relationships. You can form a bond with someone when they expose only one aspect of themselves to you that wouldn't work if you met the complete person. Enjoy your friendship and your closeness, but don't tell her about the money because it will change the entire dynamic. And definitely don't give her any money.

Having said that, she is a distraction from your real life. Your goal should be to meet a real person in your country that you can have sex with and maybe love, too. You seem like you have some issues to work through before you get there so maybe now use the opportunity to work on those.

I'm removing oyou fro!m my buddy list *sobs* *nose bubble*

# ? Dec 25, 2016 18:02

Marmaduke!: May 19, 2009; Why would it do that!?

Blue runner story would be improved if he had red shoes and spiky hair.

# ? Dec 25, 2016 18:05

Shifty gimbal: Dec 28, 2008; Hey you... I got something to tell ya; Biscuit Hider

Anti jogger goon is a hero

# ? Dec 25, 2016 18:49

RatHat: Dec 31, 2007; A tiny behatted rat👒🐀!

Marmaduke! posted:

Blue runner story would be improved if he had red shoes and spiky hair.

And if it was a Icelandic children's TV show.

# ? Dec 25, 2016 18:54

Cool Dad: Jun 15, 2007; It is always Friday night, motherfuckers

Its me, the guy who recognizes oblique references to children's television shows

I thought it was Sonic also.

# ? Dec 25, 2016 21:53

Speleothing: May 6, 2008; Spare batteries are pretty key.

The Management posted:

Lotto goon was doing pretty good until he got up to the internet girl. Internet relationships can be great but they are not real relationships. You can form a bond with someone when they expose only one aspect of themselves to you that wouldn't work if you met the complete person. Enjoy your friendship and your closeness, but don't tell her about the money because it will change the entire dynamic. And definitely don't give her any money.

Having said that, she is a distraction from your real life. Your goal should be to meet a real person in your country that you can have sex with and maybe love, too. You seem like you have some issues to work through before you get there so maybe now use the opportunity to work on those.

You should definitely find a person you like and who lives close enough to be a real girlfriend. Unless you or her really feels like moving, most relationships start either at school or online.

So, maybe get a part time job at a small shop just to pass the time and have something to talk about? Or take some random adult-ed classes that seem fun?

Speleothing fucked around with this message at 22:17 on Dec 25, 2016

# ? Dec 25, 2016 22:15

christmas boots: Oct 15, 2012; To these sing-alongs 🎤of siren 🧜🏻‍♀️songs
To oohs😮 to ahhs😱 to 👏big👏applause👏
With all of my 😡anger I scream🤬 and shout📢
🇺🇸America🦅, I love you 🥰but you're freaking 💦me 😳out; Biscuit Hider

RatHat posted:

And if it was a Icelandic children's TV show.

It's a piece of cake to write a funny fake
If your tastes are goony

# ? Dec 25, 2016 22:35

Putty: Mar 21, 2013; HOOKED ON THE BROTHERS

Who were you expecting?

Sportaflop????

# ? Dec 25, 2016 22:46

KomodoWagon: May 10, 2013; by R. Guyovich

The jogger dude story would make for a p. good video game

# ? Dec 25, 2016 23:06

Police Automaton: Mar 17, 2009; "You are standing in a thread. Someone has made an insightful post."
LOOK AT insightful post
"It's a pretty good post."
HATE post
"I don't understand"
SHIT ON post
"You shit on the post. Why."

I wish I won the lottery.

I actually think that LDR can work, but only if you set the goal to make it non-LDR. I'm a child of a relationship that started that way back from a time when even having an own phone landline was kinda uncommon and people wrote letters. I think Lotto goon has the advantage to be able to move without having any attachment to a job or a career or apparently even a social circle. The money can follow him around anywhere.

E: The wealthy and rich also have a hell of a lot an easier time crossing country borders permanently

Police Automaton fucked around with this message at 05:25 on Dec 26, 2016

# ? Dec 26, 2016 05:22

kalel: Jun 19, 2012

fruit on the bottom posted:

It's a piece of cake to write a funny fake
If your tastes are goony

# ? Dec 27, 2016 03:10

Sjs00: Jun 29, 2013; Yeah Baby Yeah !

I don't get new shoes for 8 months or more. They need to have literal holes in them before I even consider getting new ones. So of course I've developed a queue of new shoes to be worn in a year because I just have unused shoes just sitting in their box in the closet.
I also don't throw them away either; I am easily the last person to tie the laces together and throw them onto a phone line like a 90's kid.

# ? Dec 27, 2016 16:34

Hardawn: Mar 15, 2004; Don't look at the sun, but rather what it illuminates; College Slice

The anti-runner goon specifically mentions bananas and nets, and says "number one" if anyone is confused still.

Which are things sonic does, plus rings :keke:

E:I hate fun

Hardawn fucked around with this message at 17:12 on Dec 27, 2016

# ? Dec 27, 2016 17:02

VanSandman: Feb 16, 2011; SWAP.AVI EXCHANGER

Hardawn posted:

The anti-runner goon specifically mentions bananas and nets, and says "number one" if anyone is confused still.

Shhh, it's really funny to not let people in on the joke and watch them react sincerely while giggling to yourself that you saw through the ruse.

# ? Dec 27, 2016 17:03

loquacius: Oct 21, 2008

This isn't really a confession per se but it's all I got rn

quote:

The next time you watch cops, measure the 'TTMS' or 'Time to Minority Suspects' I've seen it as early as two minutes into the episode.

Our contributors are all taking Christmas off I guess :shrug:

# ? Dec 27, 2016 18:09

The Management: Jan 2, 2010; sup, bitch?

Half of cops is high white guys not wearing a shirt at a trailer park. But I guess if you ignore the rednecks, you will find other groups on there.

# ? Dec 27, 2016 18:36

free basket of chips: Sep 7, 2012; by FactsAreUseless

That one was me on xmas eve

# ? Dec 27, 2016 18:49

Arrhythmia: Jul 22, 2011

Hardawn posted:

The anti-runner goon specifically mentions bananas and nets, and says "number one" if anyone is confused still.

Which are things sonic does, plus rings

E:I hate fun

i'm really liking the part of this where people climb out of the woodwork to explain that it's fake, but explain it wrong

# ? Dec 27, 2016 21:06

christmas boots: Oct 15, 2012; To these sing-alongs 🎤of siren 🧜🏻‍♀️songs
To oohs😮 to ahhs😱 to 👏big👏applause👏
With all of my 😡anger I scream🤬 and shout📢
🇺🇸America🦅, I love you 🥰but you're freaking 💦me 😳out; Biscuit Hider

Arrhythmia posted:

i'm really liking the part of this where people climb out of the woodwork to explain that it's fake, but explain it wrong

The first paragraph put Lazytown into my head, and google shoes that the fitness-minded protagonist does wear a lot of blue, so that was probably what did it.

Do we just interpret the first paragraph as the average Sonic gamer?

# ? Dec 27, 2016 21:56

Arrhythmia: Jul 22, 2011

fruit on the bottom posted:

The first paragraph put Lazytown into my head, and google shoes that the fitness-minded protagonist does wear a lot of blue, so that was probably what did it.

Do we just interpret the first paragraph as the average Sonic gamer?

no lazytown is right, people saying sonic are wrong

# ? Dec 27, 2016 22:14

Hardawn: Mar 15, 2004; Don't look at the sun, but rather what it illuminates; College Slice

Arrhythmia posted:

no lazytown is right, people saying sonic are wrong

Watch out for this guy, he's good at figuring stuff out. 🙃

# ? Dec 27, 2016 22:19

Motherfucker: Jul 16, 2011; I certainly dont have deep-seated issues involving birthdays.

I'm a super mario

# ? Dec 27, 2016 22:40

Danaru: Jun 5, 2012; 何 ??

I'm a regular mario

# ? Dec 27, 2016 23:31

christmas boots: Oct 15, 2012; To these sing-alongs 🎤of siren 🧜🏻‍♀️songs
To oohs😮 to ahhs😱 to 👏big👏applause👏
With all of my 😡anger I scream🤬 and shout📢
🇺🇸America🦅, I love you 🥰but you're freaking 💦me 😳out; Biscuit Hider

Arrhythmia posted:

no lazytown is right, people saying sonic are wrong

I should have listened to my heart :negative:

# ? Dec 28, 2016 00:37

kalel: Jun 19, 2012

we should round up the people propogating the lazytown meme and kill them

# ? Dec 28, 2016 00:41

christmas boots: Oct 15, 2012; To these sing-alongs 🎤of siren 🧜🏻‍♀️songs
To oohs😮 to ahhs😱 to 👏big👏applause👏
With all of my 😡anger I scream🤬 and shout📢
🇺🇸America🦅, I love you 🥰but you're freaking 💦me 😳out; Biscuit Hider

SciFiDownBeat posted:

we should round up the people propogating the lazytown meme and kill them

Yar har fiddle-de-dee!
Killing these poster is alright with me
Do what you want 'cause it's a dumb meme
You are autistic!

# ? Dec 28, 2016 01:01

christmas boots: Oct 15, 2012; To these sing-alongs 🎤of siren 🧜🏻‍♀️songs
To oohs😮 to ahhs😱 to 👏big👏applause👏
With all of my 😡anger I scream🤬 and shout📢
🇺🇸America🦅, I love you 🥰but you're freaking 💦me 😳out; Biscuit Hider

That one was bad I'm sorry

# ? Dec 28, 2016 01:01

Putty: Mar 21, 2013; HOOKED ON THE BROTHERS

SciFiDownBeat posted:

we should round up the people propogating the lazytown meme and kill them

so the people who helped raise 100 grand for a cancer patient should be killed?

# ? Dec 28, 2016 01:05

christmas boots: Oct 15, 2012; To these sing-alongs 🎤of siren 🧜🏻‍♀️songs
To oohs😮 to ahhs😱 to 👏big👏applause👏
With all of my 😡anger I scream🤬 and shout📢
🇺🇸America🦅, I love you 🥰but you're freaking 💦me 😳out; Biscuit Hider

Putty posted:

so the people who helped raise 100 grand for a cancer patient should be killed?

Death demands his due.

# ? Dec 28, 2016 01:10

loquacius: Oct 21, 2008

quote:

I purposely start poo poo to provoke people into physical confrontations. I have very little going on in my life, but I can beat most people in a fight, so yeah.

On Christmas Eve my brother came alone because his wife is really sick, close to death. I said "Too bad my dick can't cure cancer, cuz I've been slipping it to her for years" and he slapped me in the face. That was enough to consider it a challenge and I beat his rear end down. My family hasn't talked to me since then, but we were barely on speaking terms anyway.

I plan to start a big fight on New Year's Eve since booze will surely be flowing wherever I'm going. My dream is to make it on the news one day.

As penance I am giving you the homework assignment from Fight Club. Start a fight with a stranger, and lose on purpose. Make some random guy's day.

quote:

At a high school party years ago I stuck my penis in the mouth of a girl who had passed out drunk. I was also drunk, and horny, and stupid. I instantly felt ashamed and stopped, left the party, and called the police on the party. I realize that's not cool but I was so freaked out I wanted to make sure she was okay.

Since then I have anonymously sent her money to help her buy her text books in college, put a security deposit on an apartment, and most recently finance a vacation with her sister. I'm living below the poverty line but I need to make things right. I notice she hasn't dated since then and I know that's my fault.

I think about telling her who I am a lot, but I realize it may freak her out a bit given our past history. At this point, I'm content to just help her out from afar as her guardian angel.

I am not an expert on this kind of thing, can having a dick momentarily in your mouth while you are unconscious actually inflict lasting psychological damage or is he just not stalking her hard enough to be able to tell whether she's dating

Either way this is a creepy obsession with a creepier origin and you should probably just let her do her own thing

# ? Dec 28, 2016 04:09

KomodoWagon: May 10, 2013; by R. Guyovich

Fight goon is a loving champ. You're gonna catch flak for being who you are, but I salute you.

# ? Dec 28, 2016 04:13

Solice Kirsk: Jun 1, 2004; .

Lots of goons raping these last few days. Can we please change the fake confessions back to humorous anime obsessions please?

# ? Dec 28, 2016 04:14

Improbable Lobster: Jan 6, 2012; "From each according to his ability" said Ares. It sounded like a quotation.; Buglord

KomodoWagon posted:

Fight goon is a loving champ. You're gonna catch flak for being who you are, but I salute you.

You aren't a champ until you pick a fight with a pro and win

# ? Dec 28, 2016 04:14

Danaru: Jun 5, 2012; 何 ??

loquacius posted:

As penance I am giving you the homework assignment from Fight Club. Start a fight with a stranger, and lose on purpose. Make some random guy's day.

I'd bet money that this guy hasn't said a word to his brother in forever, and his brother barely remembers him, but he typed out a confession about how he :smuggo: