Anonymous Confessions: I had an extremely weird dream that's going to become relevant

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Ben Smash: Aug 22, 2005; LARDROOM; Grimey Drawer

I lost my virginity to a VW beetle and he said I was the best ever. Didn't even talk about my virginity!

You can be successful virgin-goon! Stop looking and start experimenting!

# ? Jan 5, 2017 02:14

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# ? May 13, 2024 18:42

Super Waffle: Sep 25, 2007; I'm a hermaphrodite and my parents (40K nerds) named me Slaanesh, THANKS MOM

35 yo virgoon; a big part of my anxiety was always worrying about what people will think of me, which just turns into a terrible spiral where you think people will look down on for worrying people will look down on you. What helped me was finding people you don't give two craps about and practicing social interaction on them. That random dude on the street who you have never seen before and will never, ever see again? Say hello! He may think it was weird but so what? Its over in an instant and you'll never have to interact with him again. That mildly attractive woman crossing your path? Make eye contact! You will never see her again.

Baby steps.

# ? Jan 5, 2017 02:46

Police Automaton: Mar 17, 2009; "You are standing in a thread. Someone has made an insightful post."
LOOK AT insightful post
"It's a pretty good post."
HATE post
"I don't understand"
SHIT ON post
"You shit on the post. Why."

Lol, I also just saw the middle aged part. Dude, 35 isn't middle aged. You count officially as "young adult" til 39. If you're at your age you can call yourself 27 and nobody will seriously question it if you don't have the health of the average goon. Try pushing your 50s.

Police Automaton fucked around with this message at 03:20 on Jan 5, 2017

# ? Jan 5, 2017 03:07

loquacius: Oct 21, 2008

quote:

I'm an outside sales guy for a major manufacturer. My territory is the Middle East and North and West Africa. I'm frequently away for long periods of time, and I'm married, with three daughters. I've been married for 25 years, almost 26. My wife is still attractive, she takes amazing care of herself and she works at a publishing house. When I come home from long trips, she always has a new red dress on.

The last time I was packing to leave, she went into a fit. I was going to Dubai for 5 weeks. She didn't want me to leave, she begged me not to go, she was hysterical. I tried to sit down and figure out what her objection was. She just never articulated what her problem was. As I left to catch a cab, she kissed me at the door. As soon as the door shut, she started crying hysterically. I opened the door to see what I could do, and she was running up the stairs saying "just go".

I come home and there's no red dress at the airport. While I was away, I left message after message on the answering machine. My daughter emailed me and told me that mom was fine, and there was nothing to worry about. Until I got home.

She sat me down on the back deck next to the pool. She was cheating on me with my boss, long story short. He would meet up with her for lunch dates. He's a younger guy, I never had a problem with him, and he's married to a yoga instructor from Lebanon. Nice looking lady, they came over for dinner more than a few times.

My wife and I decide to separate and I don't even bother contesting the divorce later. The kids are grown, the house is up for sale, I like not having to cut the grass or have to deal with my wife. My boss was fired after 5 more months of uncomfortable working conditions for failing a random drug screen. Jesus. This guy left his wife, and is currently with mine, living at my old house. They didn't say what drugs, and honestly, I had no idea.

Turns out his ex wife found photos on his iPhone of my wife wearing a dildo harness of some kind to gently caress the guy, videos of him smoking a bong with my daughter and some other stupid poo poo, like practicing scuba diving in my pool. She sent the photos to the company and they pretty much rushed his rear end to Lab Corps.

I guess my confession is that I feel old, unloved and a little depressed and lonely. There's this voice that's telling me to go ask out the Lebanese Yoga lady that's now available. I think it was motivated more by revenge than anything else. I started by friending her on Facebook. I know it would bring too much drama and I'm winding down in my career. I'm not worried about rejection from her. She could tell me to gently caress off and I'd be just fine. What I'm terrified of is never being in love again, and dying old and alone, because I don't even know the little girls I raised now. Everything seems slowed down and I feel hollow.

I also stole my dog back from the house. I just walked up to the fence and said "C'mon Hunter!" and he followed me out to my truck. He's an older beagle, he was always my dog. Then came some pretty serious deceit...I gave my one daughter 40 bucks to pay for color fliers from Kinkos so she could post "Missing" signs all over the old neighborhood.

Thanks, even if this was lame compared to some of the other confessions here. Even if I don't hit send on this email, it was nice to sort this all out for myself.

You know you could have just said "I want to take my dog" and taken the dog, right, I don't think you'd have gotten any trouble over that

That said, the rest of this story is a solid WELP. The part where your kids apparently knew about it is pretty fuckin' rough. Hang in there.

quote:

I lived a real life "Air Bud" and it ruined my life.

That movie came out in 1997 and despite being terrible, people loved it. I was on my middle school basketball team and somebody even jokingly said we should let a dog play in a game. So a few weeks later we had a fundraiser where we'd have a dog compete against the basketball stars to see who was better.

Basketball was my life, I was the star player and planned to play through high school and college. It was my guarantee to make it to college, something nobody in my family had ever done. I was going to play through college and get a degree in mechanical engineering as backup, and see if I could make it to the NBA.

The event started and the dog is basically just being a dumb dog, and guys are dunking on it, dribbling past it, etc. Then I am up. I'm supposed to shoot a three pointer, hand it to the dog, then help him make a shot. Well I don't know if the stress of being around people freaked this dog out, or if he was hungry or just disliked me, because he started barking and all at once bit down on my calf.

The dog's owner started rushing over but the dog kept biting me. I was throwing punches to try and get him off of me but he just bit down on my hand and then went for my jugular.

I lost 2 pints of blood, had to get 16 staples in my leg. Worst of all, and why i loving HATE DOGS to this day - he severed a nerve in my hand. I lost a lot of fine motor control in my dominant hand, which hosed my chances up. I tried as best I could but could never play basketball very well again, which end up costing me my ticket to college. I ended up going to a lovely school, getting a degree in Accounting, and I hate my job and my life.

The only comfort at all is that dog was put down, thank God. I still get panic attacks when I hear dogs barking and would kill each and every one if I could.

the plot twist in this one actually surprised me

# ? Jan 5, 2017 03:18

kalel: Jun 19, 2012

I was extremely prepared for the air bud one to be a hilarious and obvious fake

# ? Jan 5, 2017 04:24

loquacius: Oct 21, 2008

SciFiDownBeat posted:

I was extremely prepared for the air bud one to be a hilarious and obvious fake

maybe I'm just tired, I was expecting the story to be that the dog dunked on him or something

# ? Jan 5, 2017 04:27

The Management: Jan 2, 2010; sup, bitch?

If basketball man was hurt in a car accident instead would he want to kill all cars from then on?

# ? Jan 5, 2017 04:33

Queen_Combat: Jan 15, 2011

The Management posted:

If basketball man was hurt in a car accident instead would he want to kill all cars from then on?

Do you not?

# ? Jan 5, 2017 04:54

Solice Kirsk: Jun 1, 2004; .

The Management posted:

If basketball man was hurt in a car accident instead would he want to kill all cars from then on?

Cars kill more people every year than dogs. A dead car is a safe car.

# ? Jan 5, 2017 05:35

The Management: Jan 2, 2010; sup, bitch?

Cars ruined my life. If it wasn't for cars I wouldn't have hurt my hand and my music career would have taken off.

# ? Jan 5, 2017 05:41

LethalGeek: Nov 4, 2009

loquacius posted:

this is the weirdest porn trend and I'm legit a bit unsettled to hear of people actually doing this

I keep saying it, but if your fetish is "not getting laid" you're just lazy

Couple pages back but I have a friend who's husband sprung this on her. She's not really into it but locking his silly wang up calmed him the hell down and their both happy again. I don't loving get it either but this is a couple in their 40s and this has been kinda building up to this point for all the years I've known them. If anything the dude now has to earn getting laid so he's only made it harder on himself :confused:

# ? Jan 5, 2017 07:22

Abugadu: Jul 12, 2004; 1st Sgt. Matthews and the men have Procured for me a cummerbund from a traveling gypsy, who screeched Victory shall come at a Terrible price. i am Honored.

edit: f,b

Abugadu fucked around with this message at 07:15 on Mar 2, 2017

# ? Jan 5, 2017 07:28

Bip Roberts: Mar 29, 2005

Solice Kirsk posted:

Cars kill more people every year than dogs. A dead car is a safe car.

Yeah but I feel bad punching a car in the face.

# ? Jan 5, 2017 08:08

TheKennedys: Sep 23, 2006; By my hand, I will take you from this godforsaken internet

The Management posted:

Cars ruined my life. If it wasn't for cars I wouldn't have hurt my hand and my music career would have taken off.

I read this as a BTTF 2 joke and if that's the case I just wanted to say I appreciate it

# ? Jan 5, 2017 08:13

loquacius: Oct 21, 2008

quote:

My dad was a really abusive father and husband and an overall terrible human being. My mother, younger sister and I all lived in fear of him. Several times my mom ended up in the hospital but she never pressed charges against him and always made up a story. The nightmare finally ended when he disappeared one night after going drinking. His body was found 3 days later a few miles down the river. He'd gotten so drunk he'd climbed over an embankment and ended up drowning. No great loss.

My confession is that I still fear my father coming back.

He had a ratty ventriloquist dummy that he kept in the attic. When we misbehaved, which was any time we didn't do exactly what he wanted, he would bring the dummy down and slap us on the palms with its wooden hands. If we were really bad, again solely based on his opinion, he'd have it bite us. The whole time he'd be moving the mouth and have it swear at us and insult us. He'd say he was trying to stop the dummy, but it was just too strong for him and if we were just good kids, he'd lose his power and go away forever.

When they found my dad's body my sister and I smashed the dummy up with a hammer and burnt all the pieces. I remember little bits of ash raining down on us and we were laughing like it was snowing on Christmas Day or something.

But back to my confession - I have nightmares still (I'm 36 and my dad died when I was 15) about dad digging his way out of his grave with that dummy in his hands. Sometimes dreams where the dummy is just sitting in my bedroom and starts yelling at me, and then I see it's got a rotten skull for a face. One really bad one where I woke up screaming after my dead father stuffed his skeleton hand into my spine and starting using me like a dummy. Stuff like that.

I started to go see a therapist after I woke up screaming and freaked out my girlfriend at the time. It's been a few years and they're getting better, but they're not going away yet. For obvious reasons this doesn't really come up in conversation so it's good to let it out here.

Not a believable story (I think the kind of guy who'd be an abusive alcoholic to his family has about a zero percent chance of also being a ventriloquism enthusiast and working one hobby into the other one) but a cool one I enjoyed reading :tipshat:

quote:

I have been dating the same girl for nearly a year and things were going great.

We were discussing sex and decided to write down our big fantasies and fetishes, then give it to each other. The other person would then pick the fetishes that were acceptable in the bedroom.

My girlfriend wrote down "mech play" and I don't even know what that is.

It probably means like loving machines or something but maybe she just really loves anime

# ? Jan 5, 2017 17:06

Putty: Mar 21, 2013; HOOKED ON THE BROTHERS

Is this easy mode??? etc

# ? Jan 5, 2017 18:42

P-Mack: Nov 10, 2007

Mechanic play. She wants you to wear greasy overalls while she pretends that she has a broken down car and no way to pay for repairs. Then you ask if she wants to oil your crankshaft or whatever, it's pretty easy to improvise.

# ? Jan 5, 2017 19:29

Dr Cheeto: Mar 2, 2013; Wretched Harp

And I'll form... the head!

# ? Jan 5, 2017 19:32

loquacius: Oct 21, 2008

Has anyone made an anime yet where giant robots are powered by teen orgasms or something because if not they're leaving money on the table

# ? Jan 5, 2017 19:32

Jose: Jul 24, 2007; Adrian Chiles is a broadcaster and writer

She wants to use a wrench to tug yiu off 🤔

# ? Jan 5, 2017 19:44

Queen_Combat: Jan 15, 2011

loquacius posted:

Has anyone made an anime yet where giant robots are powered by teen orgasms or something because if not they're leaving money on the table

Is this not evangelion?

# ? Jan 5, 2017 20:04

Dr Cheeto: Mar 2, 2013; Wretched Harp

Metal Geir Skogul posted:

Is this not evangelion?

No, that's giant robots powered by depression

# ? Jan 5, 2017 20:08

The Management: Jan 2, 2010; sup, bitch?

Was really looking forward to the horror movie ending of the dummy one, kind of disappointed

# ? Jan 5, 2017 20:30

Sjs00: Jun 29, 2013; Yeah Baby Yeah !

loquacius posted:

Has anyone made an anime yet where giant robots are powered by teen orgasms or something because if not they're leaving money on the table

https://youtu.be/3XDjXCAAMmQ
4:25

# ? Jan 5, 2017 20:43

Bip Roberts: Mar 29, 2005

loquacius posted:

Has anyone made an anime yet where giant robots are powered by teen orgasms or something because if not they're leaving money on the table

The ghost in the shell sequel was about fuckbots that they decided to give the soul of a little girl for absolutely no reason at all.

# ? Jan 5, 2017 21:28

value-brand cereal: May 2, 2008

loquacius posted:

Has anyone made an anime yet where giant robots are powered by teen orgasms or something because if not they're leaving money on the table

I'm sure you're joking, but.....

In the tumblr over watch fandom, there's a trope / story plot called 'ecchi armor au' where one person is enclothed with another person who personifies the armor and they both do a special attack when the 'armor person' causes the armor user to orgasm.

I just wanted to find cool fanart for the pyf fanart thread :v:

I should have known better. There's fetishes for everything these days.

# ? Jan 5, 2017 21:30

Police Automaton: Mar 17, 2009; "You are standing in a thread. Someone has made an insightful post."
LOOK AT insightful post
"It's a pretty good post."
HATE post
"I don't understand"
SHIT ON post
"You shit on the post. Why."

you forgot to make that anonymous dude

# ? Jan 5, 2017 21:55

spleen merchant: Jul 1, 2007; Fun Shoe

She wants you to stomp around going "vrrrrt vrrrrt vrrrŕrt"
While she calmly states your boner is "online" and "all systems nominal."

# ? Jan 5, 2017 22:12

Cool Dad: Jun 15, 2007; It is always Friday night, motherfuckers

spleen merchant posted:

She wants you to stomp around going "vrrrrt vrrrrt vrrrŕrt"
While she calmly states your boner is "online" and "all systems nominal."

OK this is now my fetish

value-brand cereal posted:

I'm sure you're joking, but.....

In the tumblr over watch fandom, there's a trope / story plot called 'ecchi armor au' where one person is enclothed with another person who personifies the armor and they both do a special attack when the 'armor person' causes the armor user to orgasm.

I just wanted to find cool fanart for the pyf fanart thread I should have known better. There's fetishes for everything these days.

What the gently caress

# ? Jan 5, 2017 22:12

christmas boots: Oct 15, 2012; To these sing-alongs 🎤of siren 🧜🏻‍♀️songs
To oohs😮 to ahhs😱 to 👏big👏applause👏
With all of my 😡anger I scream🤬 and shout📢
🇺🇸America🦅, I love you 🥰but you're freaking 💦me 😳out; Biscuit Hider

The Management posted:

Was really looking forward to the horror movie ending of the dummy one, kind of disappointed

It probably ends up like this:

https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dead_Silence

# ? Jan 5, 2017 22:18

ALFbrot: Apr 17, 2002

If anyone is like "wow writing down all the weird poo poo you're into to find out if the other person is into it is a bad idea" then you are absolutely right

There's a site called "mojo upgrade" that lets you choose everything you're into, then send a private link to your partner, who chooses all the poo poo they're into, and then it only tells the both of you what both people listed, so you can click "weird diaper poo poo" and "lock it up" and if they don't, they'll never know

# ? Jan 5, 2017 23:36

Emmideer: Oct 20, 2011; Lovely night, no?; Grimey Drawer

ALFbrot posted:

If anyone is like "wow writing down all the weird poo poo you're into to find out if the other person is into it is a bad idea" then you are absolutely right

There's a site called "mojo upgrade" that lets you choose everything you're into, then send a private link to your partner, who chooses all the poo poo they're into, and then it only tells the both of you what both people listed, so you can click "weird diaper poo poo" and "lock it up" and if they don't, they'll never know

lmao if you don't just click everything and make fun of the other person relentlessly

# ? Jan 5, 2017 23:42

Gloryhold It!: Sep 22, 2008; Fucking
Adorable

value-brand cereal posted:

I'm sure you're joking, but.....

In the tumblr over watch fandom, there's a trope / story plot called 'ecchi armor au' where one person is enclothed with another person who personifies the armor and they both do a special attack when the 'armor person' causes the armor user to orgasm.

I just wanted to find cool fanart for the pyf fanart thread I should have known better. There's fetishes for everything these days.

What in the gently caress tumblrs were you looking at? I just see fields of gay, and some dom stuff with widow maker (obviously gay).

# ? Jan 5, 2017 23:45

Queen_Combat: Jan 15, 2011

I, too, browse /d/ nightly.

# ? Jan 5, 2017 23:55

Cumslut1895: Feb 18, 2015; by FactsAreUseless

Metal Geir Skogul posted:

I, too, browse /d/ nightly.

What is that?

# ? Jan 6, 2017 00:04

Bip Roberts: Mar 29, 2005

Cumslut1895 posted:

What is that?

Ask you mom, she browses the /d

# ? Jan 6, 2017 00:14

Apprentice Dick: Dec 1, 2009

spleen merchant posted:

She wants you to stomp around going "vrrrrt vrrrrt vrrrŕrt"
While she calmly states your boner is "online" and "all systems nominal."

This is the basis of Chuck Tingle's next hit book.

# ? Jan 6, 2017 03:37

loquacius: Oct 21, 2008

quote:

I think I have a UTI. Every time I piss as soon as I'm done I feel like I need to piss again but I'm kind of concerned its a psychological thing instead. There is no burning or anything else

If female, yeah it's probably a UTI. If male, it's probably time for a good ol' prostate exam. In either case, the anon confessions thread is probably not the place to go with this information.

quote:

Its been forever, literally my entire life since my last confession.

I've been jackin' it to the worst porn for a long long long time, I mean my internet ~history~ goes back to facepunch studios over a decade ago which was the gateway drug to this lovely forum and so those teen-aged proto-goons were the ones to introduce me to Furry porn and all sorts of other junk from the weird side of the internet.

I've always been weird about this, I feel like if you make a lifestyle out of the porn you consume, especially the wierd poo poo, like BDSM or furry... ism you're probably a mentally ill moron. I deliberately put up a wall between what I jack it to and my real life self because that is the function and lets face it, the purpose of shame.

And there's a lot to be ashamed about, I watch rape vids, gore (though this is not something I jack it too, its more like a weird kinda adrenaline thrill / disgust but fun type thing?) furry, duh... lotta weird fantasy inspired porn, erotic roleplay (everyone doing this knows its other dudes, old men, ugly haggish women on the other end... nobody fuckin' cares. Its suspension of disbelief in action.) hentai, you name it. 4chan does not shock me anymore I revel in the depravity.

No child porn, I'm not a monster, I've got neices and nephews. Although loli by all means, I don't think there's anything wrong with it on account of no actual kids being harmed in the creation of it, if you start legislating around the rights of imaginary children you're basically opening up the gates to thought policing.

Which to be fair I could probably use, no doubt I'd fetishize that as well though.

Basically I need Jesus, I don't loving know... What I do know is that I'm often on the roasting squad when goons laugh at internet weirdos when I am among the consumers, I'm the hypocrite rear end in a top hat goon.

Honestly I don't have a problem with weird porn if you don't make it Your Lifestyle, whatev. I'm still skeeved out by most of the poo poo you listed, but that's not really your problem unless you make it your problem by defining your identity by it. :shrug:

First one was short so here's a third:

quote:

A previous confessor made a really good point I'd like to expand on

I too am a huge dork that will fall madly in love with the first woman that will touch my genitals. I'm an "incel" too, though I'd like to think I'm not as angry and bitter as that guy. I don't have anyone to blame other than myself. It's my own fault I am a lazy, boring, selfish prick with low self-esteem. I still live with my parents which doesn't help much either. Maybe I'll move out if I get a raise (not likely). If a woman ever showed any interest in me, I'm not sure I even know what to do.

When most people are out partying around on NYE, I went to a movie with my folks and played vidja games most of the night. I like that, makes me happy, but most other people probably don't see it that way. Beats hanging around with a bunch of randos I hardly know. Maybe I should just dehumanize myself and accept being a recluse like my Uncle.

ramble on

Honestly having a lowkey NYE is just part of getting older. I literally spent NYE with my wife, my parents, my aunts, and exactly two of our friends, and we had a great time, although we did at least have the good taste to drink some alcohol.

As for the rest of it, if you've made your peace with it and your parents aren't annoyed with you: you do you, be your best self, go with God, namaste, etc. There's a big difference between you and the other incel confessors in that you don't seem like your soul has been consumed by bitterness yet.

# ? Jan 6, 2017 03:46

value-brand cereal: May 2, 2008

Gloryhold It! posted:

What in the gently caress tumblrs were you looking at? I just see fields of gay, and some dom stuff with widow maker (obviously gay).

I clicked on a fairly popular tumblr fanart post and looked through the notes for blogs that liked or reblogged it in hopes of finding interesting or well done stuff. Turns out the 'six degrees' game also works for hosed up poo poo.

Example: leftnipdoodles, a fanart drawer who usually gets thousands of notes, drew a latino character as a literal blackface caricature. It's not hard to find hosed up poo poo on the surface, and increasingly hosed up the deeper you go.

# ? Jan 6, 2017 04:03

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# ? May 13, 2024 18:42

Police Automaton: Mar 17, 2009; "You are standing in a thread. Someone has made an insightful post."
LOOK AT insightful post
"It's a pretty good post."
HATE post
"I don't understand"
SHIT ON post
"You shit on the post. Why."

Lots of people living with their parents these days, it kind of surprises me. I guess the wealth disparity in many western countries is to blame for that one. In a lot of poorer countries this isn't really unusual at all though, lots of people still living with their parents well into their 30s until they get married and then sometimes even afterwards. Culturally, you will also find in these countries that the focus is more on family and friends, less on career because everyone is poor anyways and there's not much sense in pretending like we westerners love to do. I have read in some news article some weeks ago that especially the millenials in my country are shafted regarding income, general wealth, debt etc.. As a result, the middle class basically silently became an endangered species in only about 20 years. This of course has a snowball effect on general social coherency and the willingness to start families etc.. I have no idea what the situation in the US is but I am assuming it's not all that different. I'm a bit older and have my own roof over the head but I certainly do not have the kind of financial security my parents did, which I say without shame. Having that kind of security is just impossible these days. I weep for Gen Z, they will in very many ways not know the freedoms I did.

On a personal note, I see nothing wrong with living with your parents as long as you get along. Just try not to be a deadbeat, you're younger so do work around the house, go shopping etc.. use your income to buy household stuff that's needed or some luxuries everyone can use. Be a provider. I'm pretty sure it'll also make you feel better about yourself. It might be hard because many parents still see a child when they look at their kid, no matter if that kid is 5 or 50, and don't want to accept any help but try. I remember what a fight I had with my Dad who barely can climb a ladder to let me paint some rooms in their house. I know it's not en vogue to think like that these days but it's especially hard for men to see their sons surpass them physically.

# ? Jan 6, 2017 05:40

The Something Awful Forums > Main > General Bullshit > Anonymous Confessions: I had an extremely weird dream that's going to become relevant

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