/r/relationships: Memento Mori Lasagna

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Professor Shark: May 22, 2012

MinibarMatchman posted:

who the gently caress has "favorite" flies

I think you should have a closer look at your postin' pals here on SA

# ? Jan 5, 2017 22:54

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# ? May 16, 2024 11:28

Nazzadan: Jun 22, 2016

People that say "PIV" unironically are retarded morons. Case in point:

My (21f) boyfriend (22m) doesn't like receiving oral or manual sex

quote:

My boyfriend and I have been dating 3 years. We're very much in love and thinking of moving in together after college. Our sex life is fun but pretty routine. A lot of making out/groping, then he gets me off manually. I have no objections to it, but I often wonder about him. I've given him BJ's and HJ's in the past, and he says he doesn't mind them but they're not something he wants/craves. He's gotten off maybe once or twice in 3 years as a result.
What he wants is PiV, which I can't give him. We've done it twice, never to completion because we're paranoid about pregnancy and it was uncomfortable for me. He has never asked for piv since, but I know he wants to and it makes me feel bad. This is why I've always offered oral/manual sex, but he doesn't like them.
What can I do to please him in the bedroom?
tl;dr BF doesn't like any sex except piv, which I can't give him...

From the comments

quote:

You need to go to a doctor about pain during sex. It might well be something treatable.

quote:

I mean, I honestly think it's because my hymen didn't break the first time. It broke the second time, so ideally it should work, I'm just scared to try it again

quote:

Still go and check it out, better to know for sure.

quote:

I don't get to see a gynecologist till October, but I'll check it out then

quote:

October? Why let your sex life suffer for 6 more months? Make an appointment now.

quote:

Insurance only allows a yearly appointment.

quote:

It only allows yearly routine exams. If something is wrong that is a different issue. Call your doctors office and ask them about it, don't just assume you need to wait because you very likely do not.

In another part of the comments, she says she is totally ready to try again but is waiting for him to initiate it. Unfortunately, she has scared this guy away from her vagoo so he probably won't try again.

Also she has been downvoted to hell, which is funny to me.

# ? Jan 5, 2017 22:55

Tiny Bug Child: Sep 11, 2004; Avoid Symmetry, Allow Complexity, Introduce Terror

Nazzadan posted:

Awwh, sperg-love

didn't we just have a bunch of posts from sperg-wives about how their relationships are emotionally empty nightmares and warned normal people to stay away at all costs? like the lady who begged her husband to just talk to her so he started reciting a winston churchill speech

# ? Jan 5, 2017 23:01

Nazzadan: Jun 22, 2016

PIV is is the new "whilst" for identifying insufferable morons.
My (32M) Wife (33F) is the Hamburgler of Orgasms: Takes Them All, Gives None in Return

quote:

Okay, so I'm crappy with analogies. Long time lurker, first poster. Throwaway even though she doesn't visit much past r/crafts. Together 6 years, married 3 years. No kids, by choice.
Our marriage is everything I could ask for. Lady is smart, hilarious, kind, sassy, and with legs that could make you cry. She frequently compliments me, too, and apparently I'm none too shabby (her words). We truly enjoy reach other's company, and 6 years on, we still have that giddy first-date spark. We have a strong, open line of communication and have been able to address and resolve any conflict thats ever come along. Except for this.
I'll get right into the nuts and bolts (and hamburgers?). When it comes to sex, she will take anything I give her, but doesn't return the favor. She's not mean about it, she doesn't turn up her nose or make excuses, it's just like she forgets. For example:
We get touchy, she gets flirty, and the sexy times begin. As is her preference, I go down on her first and then sport the sausage, but it only lasts a couple of strokes. She goes to town, gets off, and then rolls over and goes to sleep. I'm left there hanging (so to speak) with her assurances of "making it last" still ringing in my ears.
This is some backwards Twilight-Zone stuff, like whatever the equivalent is for a female "one pump chump". In the morning, I will delicately allude to my 'needs', and she'll enthusiastically promise head. The evening will come and go, maybe even a week or two, and it will come up again (she brings it up herself sometimes). She'll be horrified she forgot, and the usual line is that it just didn't cross her mind. Rinse, repeat.
We have talked through everything over the years- too vanilla/ kinky, too often/ rare, PIV or pegging, history, abuse, romance, babies, sexuality, pron, faps, darkest desires and insecurities -you name it. Her enjoyment is genuine, I would be gobsmacked if she was faking. I've gently covered all this ground, always during a neutral time (not in the heat of the moment, not catching her off guard). We've each shared a lot, but nothing that ever explains why she spaces out. Any time therapy it mentioned, it gets there same treatment- "Yes, absolutely!" and then it goes by the way side.
I am tempted to suspect cheating, but between her work and hobbies, her time is pretty well accounted for (Plus, the nosey old lady next door wouldn't be able to keep any gossip to herself.) No secrecy with accounts/ phones, nothing. Also, there are no emotional distancing/surges usually seen with infidelity.
Folks, I'm at a loss. Does this ring any bells? It's not exactly a dead bedroom, and it has been this way as long as we've been together. Am I just a complete sap, or do I have really selfish expectations?
tl;dr : Wife gets off before I do, doesn't return the favour. Is this common? What do?

# ? Jan 5, 2017 23:01

Nazzadan: Jun 22, 2016

Tiny Bug Child posted:

didn't we just have a bunch of posts from sperg-wives about how their relationships are emotionally empty nightmares and warned normal people to stay away at all costs? like the lady who begged her husband to just talk to her so he started reciting a winston churchill speech

Oh yeah, that one was loving great.

"WHAT THE gently caress ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?"

"...You told me to talk to you."

# ? Jan 5, 2017 23:02

WampaLord: Jan 14, 2010

Nazzadan posted:

PIV is is the new "whilst" for identifying insufferable morons.
My (32M) Wife (33F) is the Hamburgler of Orgasms: Takes Them All, Gives None in Return

If the genders were flipped, the advice would be "go down on her first and make sure she cums and then you can finish" so why can't she just do that?

# ? Jan 5, 2017 23:03

Jeffrey of YOSPOS: Dec 22, 2005; GET LOSE, YOU CAN'T COMPARE WITH MY POWERS

My son is the hamburglar of money: he steals it

# ? Jan 5, 2017 23:05

Dial-a-Dog: May 22, 2001

Nazzadan posted:

PIV is is the new "whilst" for identifying insufferable morons.
My (32M) Wife (33F) is the Hamburgler of Orgasms: Takes Them All, Gives None in Return

I don't think you should be allowed to have sex if you say things like "sexytimes" and "sport the sausage" and it sounds like this guy's wife agrees with me

# ? Jan 5, 2017 23:13

Nazzadan: Jun 22, 2016

Found the combo
How do I (22F) explain to my partner (24M) that being intensely grossed out by ~periods~ is kind of douchey

quote:

So recently my partner and I were at a friend's house when we started cleaning out this car.
Whilst we're cleaning he makes this noise and says "Eurrrgh this car smells like period blood."
I caught the eye of one of my other males friends (23M) who maybe could be callled progressive by some, who cocked an eyebrow at me.
Saying something smells like period blood is a perfectly fine and logical observation, it was just the tone of disgust that caught our attention.
Trying to steer any judgement away from my partner I joked (as often these jokes might diffuse such situations)
"LOL GROSS WOMEN poo poo AMIRITE??!"
But he kinda missed his cue.
He laughed but then said
"But seriously periods are loving disgusting. I hate that smell so much."
I can entirely understand that sentiment, the smell doesn't bother me much (having been familiarized with it every month for over a decade) but I can see how it would be a confronting smell.
This was to be my first experience of my partners disgust.
Recently, my period did that thing where its like
WOWOMGBANGSURPRISEMUTHAFUCK
and just starts in the night and you wake up with blood on your sheets.
My partner saw the sheets in the morning and was said
OMG THATS SO DISGUSTINF EEEUGH
I tried to explain to him that I couldn't help it etc which he understood.
But then I couldn't help but press the issue and ask why it disgusted him so much, to which he replied they are disgusting.
As if periods are disgusting and that is factually and logically the end and only characteristic of menstruation.
I know we're young, and sometimes this immaturity is expected.
But I feel like this is an issue where I would embarassed if he were to express his sentiments in front of anyone but our close progressive friend.
So, how do I explain that thinking period blood is entirely disgusting is kinda douchey.
Worth mentioning there are other examples like opening the bathroom bin to bagged tampons and getting the slightest whiff of period and complaining or entirely refusing to at all have any PIV sex whislt im "on me rags", etc etc.
Tl;Dr Partner thinks periods are way gross, how to explain this sentiment is considered douchey/immature?
285 commentssharesavehidegive goldreport

Also, I hate this woman more than anything. The way she points out that her friend is not progressive, but progressive and her use of lolsorandumb language. And of course, PIV and whilst even if whilst is misspelled.

# ? Jan 5, 2017 23:20

Ride The Gravitron: May 2, 2008; by FactsAreUseless

I mean yeah it's natural but it's still gross.

# ? Jan 5, 2017 23:22

Nazzadan: Jun 22, 2016

I'd also miss my queue if I was trying to tell my girlfriend that her car smelled like an open wound and instead she started meme'n at me.

Lets be frank though, the dude is a bit of an immature spaz, but based on her lingo she is a bit of a black pot.

Also he woke up to blood in his bed, freaked out and she said she couldn't help it and he understood. Instead of leaving it at him understanding, she pressed him about why waking up to a bed of blood is uncomfortable?? Is she sure HE'S the one that misses cues?

# ? Jan 5, 2017 23:26

WrenP-Complete: Jul 27, 2012

Since there are lots and lots of bugs that live in social groups of different kinds, bugs really do have the greatest number of relationships.

# ? Jan 5, 2017 23:33

Mak0rz: Aug 2, 2008; 😎🐗🚬

Nazzadan posted:

My (32M) Wife (33F) is the Hamburgler of Orgasms: Takes Them All, Gives None in Return

This post title is loving great, holy poo poo.

Edit: I'm loving the hell out of the fact that his mind goes to the goddamn Hamburglar for the analogy instead of a regular burglar.

Mak0rz fucked around with this message at 23:39 on Jan 5, 2017

# ? Jan 5, 2017 23:35

Tolkien minority: Feb 14, 2012

i dont think think u can call urself a straight male in good conscious if u aint willin to get a little blood on ur dick during that time of the month to do the deed

# ? Jan 5, 2017 23:36

Mak0rz: Aug 2, 2008; 😎🐗🚬

Is there a Robin Hood of Orgasms? Someone who takes orgasms from the rich and gives them to the poor?

# ? Jan 5, 2017 23:39

SpiderHyphenMan: Apr 1, 2010; by Fluffdaddy

Mak0rz posted:

Is there a Robin Hood of Orgasms? Someone who takes orgasms from the rich and gives them to the poor?

your mom

# ? Jan 5, 2017 23:40

Mak0rz: Aug 2, 2008; 😎🐗🚬

SpiderHyphenMan posted:

your mom

gently caress looks like I got... owned!

also mods please rename me "orgasm hamburglar" thanks

# ? Jan 5, 2017 23:42

Jeffrey of YOSPOS: Dec 22, 2005; GET LOSE, YOU CAN'T COMPARE WITH MY POWERS

Mak0rz posted:

Is there a Robin Hood of Orgasms? Someone who takes orgasms from the rich and gives them to the poor?

I think that's the plot of "take me out to the ballgame"

# ? Jan 5, 2017 23:44

Dial-a-Dog: May 22, 2001

Nazzadan posted:

Found the combo
How do I (22F) explain to my partner (24M) that being intensely grossed out by ~periods~ is kind of douchey

Also, I hate this woman more than anything. The way she points out that her friend is not progressive, but progressive and her use of lolsorandumb language. And of course, PIV and whilst even if whilst is misspelled.

Lots of people think periods are gross, I don't (ladies :grin:

), but I think she'd be in for a surprise if she actually talked to more people than their progressive friend about it. That said her boyfriend's reaction sounds extreme, but considering her insufferable tone I'm pretty sure she's misrepresenting exactly how he reacted anyway

# ? Jan 5, 2017 23:46

Nazzadan: Jun 22, 2016

The saga continues of people who say PIV but refuse to go to the doctors for issues a doctor should see
Sex hurts me (21F) and I feel like I'm failing my boyfriend (21M)

quote:

This problem is a little more complicated than it seems. I've looked up similar threads on reddit but none will really work in my situation.
My boyfriend and I have been dating 2 years and are technically sexually active. We've had PiV sex twice, once two months ago and once last week. Both times it hurt like hell. I figured it was okay the first time since I still had an intact hymen and stuff, but it hurt just as much the second time. We tried a couple positions but he was only able to insert it in one position.
I've considered a lot of possibilities but they won't work:
--More foreplay/oral: my boyfriend does engage in foreplay with me and I'm very attracted to him. Our usual activity is mutual masturbation, so he can get me off that way. Oral is out of the question for him. He tried it once, hated it, and that's okay by me. I just imagine it in my head. Sometimes I wonder if receiving oral beforehand would help me feel ready for sex, but that's a subject that's closed.
--Lube: we tried lube the second time, no luck. I was also very naturally lubricated.
--Medical issues: this one is tricky. You see, I have very conservative parents and I live at home and am on their health insurance. I honestly don't think there's anything wrong with me physically, but I wouldn't be able to see a doctor to check.
Is there any hope for me? We're planning to try PiV sex again in 4 months and I'm not really looking forward to it. I want to be able to do it successfully, especially since my boyfriend never asks for HJs or BJs and therefore doesn't get off when intimate with me. I want to be a giving lover and it makes me feel like a failure since I'm not able to perform. My BF won't pressure me and never has, but I still want to fix this for his sake.
Any advice for a near-virgin from a conservative home?
tl;dr: Sex is painful for me but the traditional solutions won't really work in my case. Can't see a gyno, no oral, and lube hasn't helped.

From the comments

quote:

Well clearly you are unwilling to assert your independence and accept that you might have to put a little effort into seeing a doctor or maybe ask someone for help. We can't help you if you refuse to help yourself. Grow up and get to a doctor.

quote:

Who would I ask for help? I have no family nearby and no friends. If I did, I'd try and make the embarrassing phone call. But I have nobody.

quote:

What exactly were you expecting to get here? The advice is go see a professional, there's is jack a bunch of people on the internet can do for you right now. This is a medical issue beyond the pay grade of reddit. You need a doctor, and that's the end of it.

quote:

I just can't. I'll just have to deal with sex hurting and grin it and bare it.

# ? Jan 5, 2017 23:52

Ride The Gravitron: May 2, 2008; by FactsAreUseless

That's sad for every one involved

# ? Jan 5, 2017 23:53

Metis of the Chat Thread: Aug 1, 2014

god if someone told me my car smelled like period blood i'd drive it into the ocean out of disgust

# ? Jan 5, 2017 23:53

zakharov: Nov 30, 2002; Tater Love

Nazzadan posted:

The saga continues of people who say PIV but refuse to go to the doctors for issues a doctor should see
Sex hurts me (21F) and I feel like I'm failing my boyfriend (21M)

From the comments

OP

OP

I'm no lawyer but the doctor wouldn't tell her parents exactly what she saw them for, right?

Poor lady.

# ? Jan 5, 2017 23:55

monkeytennis: Apr 26, 2007; Toilet Rascal

Oral is out of the question for him. He tried it once, hated it, and that's okay by me. I just imagine it in my head.

They are both 21 years old.

Fucks sake :negative:

# ? Jan 5, 2017 23:56

Nazzadan: Jun 22, 2016

zakharov posted:

I'm no lawyer but the doctor wouldn't tell her parents exactly what she saw them for, right?

Poor lady.

I'm pretty positive they wouldn't let the parents know the nature of the visit

# ? Jan 5, 2017 23:56

Pick: Jul 19, 2009; Nap Ghost

Instead of solve a problem instead I'll just complain about it

# ? Jan 5, 2017 23:57

Bonzo: Mar 11, 2004; Just like Mama used to make it!

My friend dated a girl (and married her) that had some similar issues with pain. They'd never had sex and even some heavy petting was painful for her. She went to the doctor and they basically found that her ..."opening" was quite small. I don't know all the details but they did a very routine, out patient procedure on her and things got better.

EDIT: She was around 18 or 19 at the time and had never been with anyone else.

# ? Jan 5, 2017 23:58

NomChompsky: Sep 17, 2008

Okay relationships thread I'm back after two days of being sick what did I miss

# ? Jan 5, 2017 23:58

Dial-a-Dog: May 22, 2001

If you go to the doctor for a penis/vagina/butt problem they put a permanent ink stamp on your forehead to let everyone know

# ? Jan 5, 2017 23:59

Nazzadan: Jun 22, 2016

All these painful vaginal sex stories just make me think of that lady that had the dick go in her urethra for decades and she just toughed it out because she assumed that was just how sex was.

# ? Jan 6, 2017 00:00

Nazzadan: Jun 22, 2016

Oh my loving god
I'm (20f) at the end of my sexual comfort zone, will BF (21m) get bored?

quote:

BF and I have been together 2.5 years and lost our virginities to each other 3 weeks ago. We've tried PiV three times. I don't really like it, but I'm happy to do it for his sake, as he does things for me (oral, fingering) that don't benefit him.
My question is, now that we've made our way around the 'bases', there's nothing left that both of us are comfortable with. We've finished experimenting and now have a routine. I'm okay with it, but will BF be? He hasn't said anything yet, but he does have a lower drive so I'm wondering if it'll get lower as this routine gets older. We're looking forward to a long term relationship, hopefully marriage. Is sexual boredom something I should be concerned about? If so, is there something I can do besides going beyond my physical boundaries?
tl;dr: BF and I have gone around the bases, nothing left to do. Will he get bored of the routine? What can I do that doesn't compromise my boundaries?

Comments

quote:

You're practically still virgins. Be patient and open minded and see where things go.

quote:

I see your point. I'm just wondering what I should offer up if BF says he's bored. I can't think of anything I'm comfortable with.

quote:

If he's bored after 3 times, this relationship will never work.

quote:

He's not bored yet. I kind of am, but I can work with that.

quote:

NO! You should want to jump his bones at every opportunity you get. You can't be bored already...
Unless you're asexual?

quote:

I'm not at all asexual, but PiV has sort of deterred me from it since we started doing that

quote:

Keep at it and maybe start taking charge a bit. Grind yourself to an orgasm in cowgirl, not letting him do anything, that kind of stuff. Be enthusiastic about sex and it'll get a lot better right away.

quote:

Im not willing to get on top. It would require me to keep clothes on, which he doesn't like.

Holy poo poo this girl has some serious issues. Some other cherry picked comments of hers

quote:

I guess I'm just sort of upset that sex isn't what I thought it would be. All I wanted was missionary, why isn't it fun? What's wrong with me?

On the topic of cowgirl

quote:

We tried once. I felt like a lard ball. Never again.

When someone gets irritated at her because apparently her guy finds her very attractive but she refuses to have sex naked

quote:

"Work on your body image"
It's not a homework assignment, it can't be worked on. It is what isn't is, and BF knows that

quote:

I guess I just regret having sex. I wish I could just stop forever and just masturbate alone, but I can't

# ? Jan 6, 2017 00:08

Mak0rz: Aug 2, 2008; 😎🐗🚬

Nazzadan posted:

All these painful vaginal sex stories just make me think of that lady that had the dick go in her urethra for decades and she just toughed it out because she assumed that was just how sex was.

# ? Jan 6, 2017 00:08

Panfilo: Aug 27, 2011; EXISTENCE IS PAIN😬

NomChompsky posted:

Okay relationships thread I'm back after two days of being sick what did I miss

Pivvin' up the sexytimes to the smell of lice and menses.

# ? Jan 6, 2017 00:10

Tolkien minority: Feb 14, 2012

Nazzadan posted:

Oh my loving god
I'm (20f) at the end of my sexual comfort zone, will BF (21m) get bored?

Comments

OP

OP

OP

OP

Holy poo poo this girl has some serious issues. Some other cherry picked comments of hers

On the topic of cowgirl

When someone gets irritated at her because apparently her guy finds her very attractive but she refuses to have sex naked

"sex is boring"
"maybe work on not wearing all ur clothes and hating urself less and try more than one position"
"nah dont think so, too much work"

# ? Jan 6, 2017 00:12

Pick: Jul 19, 2009; Nap Ghost

NomChompsky posted:

Okay relationships thread I'm back after two days of being sick what did I miss

pull up the lice, it's only a couple pages back

# ? Jan 6, 2017 00:12

Mak0rz: Aug 2, 2008; 😎🐗🚬

Nazzadan posted:

Oh my loving god
I'm (20f) at the end of my sexual comfort zone, will BF (21m) get bored?

A common pattern in forums like these is when things seem to be just regular old youth naivete but as they post more it becomes pretty obvious that they have serious issues and it gets sad.

# ? Jan 6, 2017 00:12

Nazzadan: Jun 22, 2016

I wonder how good looking these dudes are in stories from women who say their husband/bf is so wonderful and perfect and totally settled for the woman.

And conversely, how hot all these girls are that guys are dating that are "model status."

# ? Jan 6, 2017 00:14

Pick: Jul 19, 2009; Nap Ghost

Nazzadan posted:

I wonder how good looking these dudes are in stories from women who say their husband/bf is so wonderful and perfect and totally settled for the woman.

And conversely, how hot all these girls are that guys are dating that are "model status."

fat; sorta chubby

# ? Jan 6, 2017 00:14

Dial-a-Dog: May 22, 2001

"How can we spice things up in the bedroom? Before making any suggestions please note I'm unwilling to do anything but lie there, under a blanket, with my clothes on, and the lights turned off, because I hate my body, thanks in advance"

# ? Jan 6, 2017 00:17

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# ? May 16, 2024 11:28

WampaLord: Jan 14, 2010

Nazzadan posted:

I wonder how good looking these dudes are in stories from women who say their husband/bf is so wonderful and perfect and totally settled for the woman.

And conversely, how hot all these girls are that guys are dating that are "model status."

Like Jessica Alba, but thicker.

# ? Jan 6, 2017 00:25

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