CaptainJuan posted:

I AM A DRUG PUSHER ROBOT

loquacius posted:

I'm gonna be honest with you, this sounds believable both as a story and as a family legend and I'm not really sure how your conclusion after hearing everything is "ok SOME possessions are real though". I dunno, I'm not Catholic and haven't really spoken to any serious Catholics about demons, maybe it's A Thing for them

free basket of chips posted:

I don't get the trope that people possessed spread poo poo and vomit everywhere. Thats not demonic, just unclean.

yeah I eat rear end posted:

If true possessions were real and exorcisms could drive them out and make them do supernatural stuff, there would be non-faked video of it by now.

Sjs00 posted:

That robot story is seriously good but it needs a visual aid. Goons?

Nocheez posted:

A bar in my hometown has Keno run by the Ohio lottery. They keep "waste" baskets for losing tickets, and people who hit the big prizes that are taxable can take enough losing tickets and have them negate the tax burden. Since all the tickets are bought with cash, the government never knows who really purchased them.

free basket of chips posted:

I don't get the trope that people possessed spread poo poo and vomit everywhere. Thats not demonic, just unclean.

RatHat posted:

It's a trope because of The Exorcist. Most of the modern depictions of possessions come from that.

420 SWAGLORD posted:

please stop owning me and if you ever stumble across a big ol pile of money just talk to a good accountant/tax attorney before you pick it up ok?

Control Volume posted:

Jose posted:

i'm buying my first property on monday and i'm bricking it

Moridin920 posted:

Sounds legit until one person decides to cash in on the IRS reward for turning in tax cheats.

therattle posted:

How much bricking does it need?

WampaLord posted:

Some missionary must have seen someone with Ebola or some other disease where you spew out of both ends and assumed it was demonic.

Also true for UFOs, Bigfoot, etc.

quote:

My wife and I got married in college after about 4 months of dating. It was way too fast and I would re-do things if I could, but it's too late now.

Our sex life was seemingly really good at the beginning. I was a virgin before meeting her and we'd have sex every Saturday when I visited her. Sometimes we'd have sex Friday night too. Everything seemed awesome - we were having sex every day we were together, sometimes twice in a 24 hour period.

Then after we got married and moved in together I realized an issue - I only crave sex once every week or 2. Any more than that and it takes a LOT to turn me on. And don't blame pornography - I was raised very religious and never looked at the stuff, and the most I've seen as a grown man is that Farrah Fawcett poster. My wife's sex drive dwarfs mine in comparison, she wants it 3 times a week sometimes. It is physically impossible for me to get an erection this much, so I've tried using my fingers as much as possible, but even they cramp up between the sex and my job. We have also incorporated toys but for obvious reasons, I don't let her use anything bigger than I am. We don't want her vagina stretched to the point I can't pleasure her anymore.

The other issue is I do not ejaculate most times, unless we are very vigorously going at it (jackhammer method) and my wife is obviously really in to it.

Final piece of the puzzle, it's not low testosterone. I work out 1-1.5 hours a day every day with a personal trainer and he comments on my gains and my endurance all the time. I also at times get erections while working out due to the surge of testosterone and blood. So my penis works fine.

quote:

I let my ego and libido run my life in my early 30s and am paying the price for it now.

I was married and had 3 sons. After the birth of my third son my wife could not lost the weight. She had ballooned up pretty significantly between pregnancies, but this was by far the worst. When we were married she weighed 127 lbs, and after our third son she exploded up to 160 lbs. I bought her a treadmill for Christmas and got her signed up for a lot of diet plans, but none of it worked. She lost a little bit of weight (maybe 10 lbs) but was still pretty grossly overweight. Here is where I hosed up - I should have toughed it out and stayed with her a little longer for the sake of my kids. Instead I was honest and told her I didn't love her anymore, and we divorced.

I am now in my late 40s and have very little contact with my sons, the youngest of which is about to go to college. They lived with their mom and visited me on weekends and we grew apart because of this. I missed a lot of events because of the living arrangement - like their first times playing sports, their first dates, their first times driving, etc.

My advice for any other goons is to really consider divorce and realize the impact it will have on you. A lot of goons say "SEVER!" the instant that one partner lets herself go. Do not do this or you'll be in my boat. I truly wish I had stayed with my wife long enough to see my sons grow up. I had a valid reason to divorce her, but the circumstances around it have really hurt me. I also worry about my sons being raised by a single mother - how will they handle not having a father figure? Will they have the right attitudes on health given their mother's issues? Will they marry for the right reasons and make sure their wives do too?

quote:

We don't want her vagina stretched to the point I can't pleasure her anymore.

divorce goon posted:

When we were married she weighed 127 lbs, and after our third son she exploded up to 160 lbs. I bought her a treadmill for Christmas and got her signed up for a lot of diet plans, but none of it worked. She lost a little bit of weight (maybe 10 lbs) but was still pretty grossly overweight.

Pearnicious posted:

Seriously? She only gained 33 pounds and you divorced her? How short is she that 160 is "grossly overweight"? Is she only 4'2"?

According to the CDC, the average adult woman in the US weighs 166.2 lbs.

https://www.cdc.gov/nchs/fastats/body-measurements.htm

If this story is real and that's actually the primary reason for divorcing her....what a massive fuckwad this guy is.

Pearnicious posted:

If this story is real and that's actually the primary reason for divorcing her....what a massive fuckwad this guy is.

alpaca diseases posted:

Sounds like you secretly lust after your personal trainer impotencegoon

quote:

My (soon to be) in laws are very religious. They do not believe in sex before marriage. When my fiance moved in with me there were some minor arguments, and my future father-in-law said he loved us both, but that we were sinning in the eyes of God. I told him that we had never had sex and did not plan on it until marriage, and this seemed to calm him down.

My confession is we have been banging since our 4th date. In every room of my house, including the couch he sat on while I told him that we didn't have sex.

That night I fisted my girlfriend as she shoved a buttplug into me and just kept thinking about having lunch that day with her parents and telling them that my fiance and I praised God every day in all ways. And oh yeah, we were both yelling to God that night.

quote:

I lost my virgininty at 27 and I'm 34 now. In a happy relationship with great everything. The best part is that she satisfies my fetish. Which is watching people lose their virginities. She does the guys, I do the girls. Every now and then we will seek out a virgin, completely inexperienced. Like having had a kiss at most.

If it's a guy, I'll gently show him what to do and how to do it to my girlfriend. Kiss here, touch this, rub that, put your penis in here, etc. We always make sure to hit any fantasies or whatever they have. My girlfriend is a solid 7. Pretty attractive. But these guys treat her like a 12. It's amazing. They always start out shaking like leaves, but by the time they cum, I've got them talking dirty, pulling hair, getting rough. And they never stop complimenting her and telling how amazing she is.

If it's a girl, the roles reverse and my gf is very nice to her, holds her hand, explains what's happening. Shows her how to give a hj and a bj. And what to expect from sex for the first time. Go over a variety of sexual positions.

Neither of us is into cucking or open relationships, or anything like that. Just this one particular sort of 3some. And we feel like we provide a service to the awkward 25 year olds of the world.

The real confession, though, is that when they inevitably fall in love with one of us, and/or realize what they've been missing, they are willing to pay hundreds of dollars to do it again. And if they were fun, we gladly take it.