shit_that_didnt_happen.txt: I'm finding it very hard to immerse myself in the lie.

The Something Awful Forums > Main > Post Your Favorite: Carefully Curated > shit_that_didnt_happen.txt: I'm finding it very hard to immerse myself in the lie.

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Bunni-kat: May 25, 2010; Service Desk B-b-bunny...
How can-ca-caaaaan I
help-p-p-p you?

jodai posted:

1. Most of what kids say is weird and they don't care.
2. Kids don't care about skin color until parents tell them to.

From my experience.

As a small kid, my best friend had an adopted black sister. The rest of the family was as white as you get. But everyone just called her his sister, so I literally didn't think anything until I was about 13 and asked my mom "Why is she black?" That was when it was explained to me she was adopted. I'd been around that family so much it just didn't cross my mind that she came from elsewhere. So yeah, my experience too, kids tend to not care until someone tells them to.

# ? Feb 4, 2017 00:25

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# ? May 10, 2024 18:22

Selachian: Oct 9, 2012

moerketid posted:

Awful poo poo that did happen: as a small child/toddler I was really uncomfortable around any brown or black people, despite my mother working with mostly Iranians, to the point of being disgustingly rude. This was because I spent days with my horribly racist, mentally ill grandma who was telling me stuff like "you can't buy penny sweets from the corner shop, the black man's hands have touched them" "their skin is that colour because they're dirty" "you can't drink soda from cans, a black man's hands might have touched it".

My mom told me the first time she ever saw black people was on the subway when she still in single-digit ages (this would have been late 1940s New York City). She remembers thinking they must be raisins. Kid logic.

# ? Feb 4, 2017 00:28

poptart_fairy: Apr 8, 2009; by R. Guyovich

Avenging_Mikon posted:

As a small kid, my best friend had an adopted black sister. The rest of the family was as white as you get. But everyone just called her his sister, so I literally didn't think anything until I was about 13 and asked my mom "Why is she black?" That was when it was explained to me she was adopted. I'd been around that family so much it just didn't cross my mind that she came from elsewhere. So yeah, my experience too, kids tend to not care until someone tells them to.

I managed to reach the age of 16 without once figuring out that my "uncles" were a gay couple and that only one of them was my blood relative. :downs:

I've been quite fortunate when it comes to that kind of thing though. Was raised in an incredibly diverse part of London, so got genuinely confused when my family moved out into the country and there was nothing but older white people in the town we lived.

# ? Feb 4, 2017 00:29

Turtlicious: Sep 17, 2012; by Jeffrey of YOSPOS

My Mother was a white supremacist.

There's no funny story there, just a lot of pain, sadness, and foster care.

# ? Feb 4, 2017 01:23

Bargearse: Nov 27, 2006; 🛑 Don't get your pen🖊️, son, you won't be 👌 needing that 😌. My 🥡 order's 💁 simple😉, a shitload 💩 of dim sims 🌯🀄. And I want a bucket 🪣 of soya sauce☕😋.

Biplane posted:

My grandma told me the year before she died that she low key hosed german soldiers during the occupation of norway in exchange for cigarettes and candy, at 16. Grandma...

My grandpa was a German soldier who spent some time in a Russian prison camp, developed a strong hatred of both fascism and communism, then moved to Australia the first chance he got.

Sadly I didn't hear many stories from him. He didn't really talk about it much unless you directly asked him, and he died when I was too young to appreciate them.

# ? Feb 4, 2017 02:02

walrusman: Aug 4, 2006

My grandmother was a south Vietnamese child prostitute at the second battle of Antietam when she met my grandfather, who was a 2nd-century Roman centurion whose parents had been devout Shintoists until they were killed by a runaway steam locomotive. Anyway, long story short, I was raised worshiping Xangorp, God-Emperor of Space, and that made for some awkward Christmases, let me tell you!

# ? Feb 4, 2017 02:43

sweeperbravo: May 18, 2012; AUNT GWEN'S COLD SHAPE (!)

My pop pop once said "A good Arab is a dead Arab," which isn't very nice

# ? Feb 4, 2017 02:46

CROWS EVERYWHERE: Dec 17, 2012; CAW CAW CAW; Dinosaur Gum

My granny pronounced racism as ray-shism (like"racial").

# ? Feb 4, 2017 03:50

Bargearse: Nov 27, 2006; 🛑 Don't get your pen🖊️, son, you won't be 👌 needing that 😌. My 🥡 order's 💁 simple😉, a shitload 💩 of dim sims 🌯🀄. And I want a bucket 🪣 of soya sauce☕😋.

walrusman posted:

My grandmother was a south Vietnamese child prostitute at the second battle of Antietam when she met my grandfather, who was a 2nd-century Roman centurion whose parents had been devout Shintoists until they were killed by a runaway steam locomotive. Anyway, long story short, I was raised worshiping Xangorp, God-Emperor of Space, and that made for some awkward Christmases, let me tell you!

Sounds plausible.

# ? Feb 4, 2017 04:11

fistful of hammers: Nov 11, 2011

CROWS EVERYWHERE posted:

My granny pronounced racism as ray-shism (like"racial").

Evidently she's not the only one: https://youtu.be/wa8_pFJVXpg

# ? Feb 4, 2017 05:41

God Hole: Mar 2, 2016

This has been making the rounds on my friend's social media lately. Not only did this not happen, but someone thought that this disgusting incest fantasy would make a good meme, and then it did.

Only registered members can see post attachments!

# ? Feb 4, 2017 05:49

goose willis: Jun 14, 2015; Get ready for teh wacky laughz0r!

# ? Feb 4, 2017 05:56

CROWS EVERYWHERE: Dec 17, 2012; CAW CAW CAW; Dinosaur Gum

fistful of hammers posted:

Evidently she's not the only one: https://youtu.be/wa8_pFJVXpg

It mostly seems to be an older Britishy person thing, for people who are posh or want to sound posh. My Granny was full of brains and attended fancy schools on a scholarship and never fully recovered, rip

# ? Feb 4, 2017 06:10

goose willis: Jun 14, 2015; Get ready for teh wacky laughz0r!

# ? Feb 4, 2017 06:29

Ein cooler Typ: Nov 26, 2013; by FactsAreUseless

And then the hospital was sued for hipaa violations

# ? Feb 4, 2017 06:56

yeah I eat ass: Mar 14, 2005; only people who enjoy my posting can replace this avatar

I guarantee that was written by one of those people who brings out a ton of google search results to the doctor and tries to convince the doctor they have whatever they've self-diagnosed with instead of letting them do their job. Even if it happened, it took "3 hours longer" for the medical professionals because they have higher standards than "idk just google it lol" and that is a positive thing not some kind of failing.

# ? Feb 4, 2017 07:04

Khioniia: Aug 4, 2003

Naturally, it didn't occur to the medical professionals that putting a stent in one of the arm arteries would alleviate the claudication to the leg. Genius!

# ? Feb 4, 2017 07:18

kimbo305: Jun 9, 2007; actually, yeah, I am a little mad

Uh oh we got House MD in here. Guys we got Gregory House on the floor!

# ? Feb 4, 2017 08:05

Khazar-khum: Oct 22, 2008; Cat Army
2nd Battalion

Tropes

quote:

This troper was landed in the unfortunate situation of being asked out by a guy she had no interest in dating. Somehow, her thoughts jumped to TV Tropes, and she said in an exasperated tone of voice, "Oh, what are they doing NOW?" while looking over the guy's shoulder. Sure enough, he turned around... and she ran for her life.

Pearls

quote:

This troper had a friend in high school who was the absolute king of loopholes. He showed up one day in a dress, wig, and go-go boots. One of the teachers informed him that as a male, he was not allowed to wear a dress to school and he would have to wear pants. The next day, the boy showed up wearing his mother's blouse and pearls.

Civics

quote:

For a college civics class, this troper had to join up with / assist a nonprofit public organization of his choice that operated in town. His response was to round up a couple of his friends and proclaim themselves the Philanthropists' Society, a group dedicated to getting students off the streets and encourage peer bonding. Which they did by playing lots of video games. Obviously, since the group was newly-created, the troper and his two buddies were the only members. Sadly, the organization was forced to close down right after the end of the assignment.

Skirt

quote:

When your captain was in 8th grade, our school uniform code demanded that boys wear long slacks between October 15th & April 15th, no matter the weather. For years, we had complained about the impracticality of the rule, especially since the girls had the option of a skirt for hot days during the no-shorts season. One of our teachers sardonically pointed out that there ain't no rule saying a boy couldn't wear the skirt...so the next day, one of my friends did. (Though technically, there was a rule against it, but since a teacher had challenged him to do so, he still got through the day with impunity.) The next year�when we had all graduated�the rule was amended to allow boys to wear shorts whenever it was warm enough. The administration liked our idea; they just didn't like that a bunch of preteens had come up with it & didn't want us to benefit from our own "defiance."

Dreadlocks

quote:

This troper went to a rather regimented private school with stringent rules regarding hairstyles and so forth. One of his ne'er-do-well classmates discovered that there was no rule specifically banning dreadlocks, and proceeded to acquire some. This, he hastens to point out, was a boy of Irish extraction with a headful of bright orange, tightly curled hair, a head shaped like a light bulb, and skin that outside the freckles was so pale it disrupted astronomical observations. The day after he showed up like this, a rule against dreadlocks was added, and he was forcibly escorted to a haircut.

Markers

quote:

When this troper was a young child, his mother gave him a set of Crayola marker pens and told him not to draw on the floor or walls with them. He immediately figured out a way to stack them end-to-end and drew eight parallel lines on the ceiling, one of each color, and on discovery deployed the "but you didn't tell me not to draw on the ceiling" defense. And yes, he got away with it.

Exams

quote:

My professor for an English course at my university said this was the reason she didn't allow open-book exams. Turns out that some students got around the limits set on the notes you're allowed to have. They apparently wrote out the covered text in very small print and crammed all that within the permitted notes. And by small, I mean they were using magnifying glasses to read their notes during the exam!

# ? Feb 4, 2017 10:19

gschmidl: Sep 3, 2011; watch with knife hands

Khazar-khum posted:

Tropes

What does this even mean

# ? Feb 4, 2017 10:52

Bargearse: Nov 27, 2006; 🛑 Don't get your pen🖊️, son, you won't be 👌 needing that 😌. My 🥡 order's 💁 simple😉, a shitload 💩 of dim sims 🌯🀄. And I want a bucket 🪣 of soya sauce☕😋.

Khazar-khum posted:

Civics

Volunteering at a Salvos store / Goodwill and half-assing a few days work didn't occur to him at any point?

# ? Feb 4, 2017 10:53

sebmojo: Oct 23, 2010; Legit Cyberpunk

Hardcordion posted:

How exactly do you switch a sleeping person's pajamas without waking them?

kids can sleep really heavily.

# ? Feb 4, 2017 10:59

CROWS EVERYWHERE: Dec 17, 2012; CAW CAW CAW; Dinosaur Gum

I do so love the rich tropey veins of "poo poo that quite possibly did happen, but why would you bother writing about it?"

# ? Feb 4, 2017 11:31

Metrofreak: Mar 17, 2009; THUNDERDOME LOSER

"Sent im roight back to Iran, I did"

Sure ya did, buddy. Sure ya did.

# ? Feb 4, 2017 12:50

Kopijeger: Feb 14, 2010

Eponine posted:

My Polish neighbor when I lived in France had lived through Nazi occupation and then American liberation in a small village in Poland. She screamed the first time she saw a black man, but she said he laughed and gave her chocolate, so her opinion changed from terror to chocolate dispensing person. When she told me this, we laughed together over coffee and chocolate and then she something like "who knew I'd be surrounded by them eventually!" And I honestly still don't know if she was being racist or just making an observation.

# ? Feb 4, 2017 13:13

bean_shadow: Sep 27, 2005; If men had uteruses they'd be called duderuses.

nvm Posted in bad taste

bean_shadow has a new favorite as of 14:55 on Feb 4, 2017

# ? Feb 4, 2017 14:22

Tired Moritz: Mar 25, 2012; wish Lowtax would get tired of YOUR POSTS

_{_{(n o i c e)}}

Khazar-khum posted:

My professor for an English course at my university said this was the reason she didn't allow open-book exams. Turns out that some students got around the limits set on the notes you're allowed to have. They apparently wrote out the covered text in very small print and crammed all that within the permitted notes. And by small, I mean they were using magnifying glasses to read their notes during the exam!

Isn't that normal? All my engineering friends do this. Well, maybe not exactly like that but I remember people talking about making their notes fit as much as possible.

# ? Feb 4, 2017 17:18

Samizdata: May 14, 2007

Tired Moritz posted:

Isn't that normal? All my engineering friends do this. Well, maybe not exactly like that but I remember people talking about making their notes fit as much as possible.

Well, that is nowhere near as dorky as a stunt I pulled when I worked at a call center. We had a new client, and, during training they told us there were open book tests, but you couldn't use the book, only online resources. The client's knowledge base was abysmal. I, at the time, did some email and webhosting from my home, so a couple of weekends before the final test, three of us smuggled our training manuals out of the site, and we spent a Saturday in my basement, typing up all the notes we thought we might possibly need, I set up a new folder on my server and moved them all there.

My name is not Einstein, no one got married, there was no applause and I have been pretty much 4F for military service since I was 18 (due to tinnitus). OTOH, I noticed many people at the call center using the note pages on a day to day basis, so there's that I guess. I guess the closest I got to a "crowning moment of awesome" is when one of those people asked me if I had seen that great site and I showed them the domain registry information and said "Yeah, I put that there."

Sad, I know.

# ? Feb 4, 2017 18:10

yeah I eat ass: Mar 14, 2005; only people who enjoy my posting can replace this avatar

Tired Moritz posted:

Isn't that normal? All my engineering friends do this. Well, maybe not exactly like that but I remember people talking about making their notes fit as much as possible.

Any class that allows you to bring notes to an exam in a designated size limit does this. Also uses their graphing calculators to store extra notes (or notes at all if they aren't allowed) as programs.

It's why professors who actually care about preventing cheating will provide formula sheets and only let you use non-graphing calculators on exams.

# ? Feb 4, 2017 18:22

Choco1980: Feb 22, 2013; I fell in love with a Video Nasty

Funniest cramming info on 3x5 notecard story that probably didn't happen I heard in college was a kid writing two sets of notes on the card over each other, one in red ink, the other in green, and wearing 3d glasses to the test, covering one eye or the other to see each set of notes.

# ? Feb 4, 2017 19:49

life is killing me: Oct 28, 2007

Metrofreak posted:

"Sent im roight back to Iran, I did"

Sure ya did, buddy. Sure ya did.

And then Mom cried and went with him to Armenia and won't talk to me because I meddled in her love life

# ? Feb 4, 2017 19:59

hyperhazard: Dec 4, 2011; I am the one lascivious
With magic potion niveous

Khazar-khum posted:

When your captain was in 8th grade

So I take it this is the new "This trooper..."

# ? Feb 4, 2017 20:37

Bobby Digital: Sep 4, 2009

Choco1980 posted:

Funniest cramming info on 3x5 notecard story that probably didn't happen I heard in college was a kid writing two sets of notes on the card over each other, one in red ink, the other in green, and wearing 3d glasses to the test, covering one eye or the other to see each set of notes.

I split a notecard with a razor for my AP Chem final junior year of high school.

# ? Feb 5, 2017 00:50

Gen. Ripper: Jan 12, 2013

The subreddit "Today I hosed Up" is a goldmine for STDH. For brevity I'll just post two examples:

https://www.reddit.com/r/tifu/comments/2tdbig/tifu_by_enraging_the_parents_of_my_girlfriend_by/

quote:

Let me tell you that I have made a bad mistake this evening.
My girlfriend (who let me tell you is only my 2nd girlfriend of all time) said I am "invited to dinner" with her and her parents. I was very aghast, nervous, and bashful to be invited to such a situation. But I knew it must be done.
I met them nicely, I should tell you, and it started off in a good way. The idea slapped my mind that I should do a comic bit, to make a good impression and become known to them as a person who is amusing.
When I saw that baked potatoes were served I got the idea that it would be very good if I pretended I did not know what potatoes was. That would be funny.
Well let me tell you: backfired on my face. I'll tell you how.
So first when the potato became on my plate, I acted very interesting. I showed an expression on my face so as to seem that I was confused, astounded but in a restrained way, curious, and interested. They did notice, and seemed confused, but did not remark. So I asked "This looks very interesting. What is this?"
They stared at me and the mother said "It's a baked potato." And I was saying "Oh, interesting, a baked....what is it again?"
And she was like "A potato."
And I was like "A 'potato', oh interesting. Never heard of a potato, looks pretty good."
And then they didn't see I was clowning, but thought I really did not know what is a potato. So I knew I would be very shamed, humiliated, depressed, and disgusted if I admitted to making a bad joke, so what I did was to act as if it was not a joke but I committed to the act of pretending I didn't know what a potato is.
They asked me, VERY incredulous, did I really not know what a potato is? That I never heard of a potato. I went with it and told them, yes, I did not ever even hear of a potato. Not only had I never eaten a potato I had never heard the word potato.
This went on for a bit and my girlfriend was acting very confused and embarrassed by my "hosed up antics", and then the more insistent I was about not knowing what a potato is was when them parents starting thinking I DID know what a potato was.
Well let me tell you I had to commit 100% at this point. When I would not admit to knowing what a potato was, the father especially began to get annoyed. At one point he said something like "Enough is enough. You're loving with us. Admit it." And I said "Sir, before today I never heard of a potato. I still don't know what a potato is, other than some kind of food. I don't know what to tell you."
Well let me tell you he got very annoyed. I decided to take a bite of the potato, and when I did I made a high pitched noise and said "Taste's very strange!"
That is when the father started yelling at me, and the mother kept saying "What are you doing?" and my girlfriend went to some other room.
Finally the father said I should "Get the gently caress out of his house" and I said it was irrational to treat me like this just because I never heard of a potato before. Well let me tell you he didn't take that kindly.
Now in text messages I have been telling my girlfriend I really don't know what a potato is. The only way I can ever get out of this is for them to buy that I don't know what a potato is.
I wish I never started it but I can't go back. I think she will break up with me anyway.

https://www.reddit.com/r/tifu/comments/2m7h3g/tifu_by_ordering_a_stripper_for_my_18_year_old/cm1njyw/

quote:

It started out like any other Saturday, but today was Mike's 19th birthday and I wanted to do something nice for him.
It was three in the afternoon and I had no gift ready and his big day was already halfway over. As I'm sitting in my dorm room and I come to the conclusion that I now am of legal age to rent a stripper.
With this idea in my head, I raced down the hall and find my two close friends and I pitch my idea to them. They love it.
My next step is to ask my floor RA If there are any rules against having strippers in the on-campus dorm rooms. My RA thinks I'm kidding but he asks his supervisor anyways. After they look it up, there is no rule against strippers in the dorm rooms, so our college gave us the green light. Bingo.
So how do 3 eighteen-year-old college kids find a classy stripper hours before the big day, they hit up Yellow Pages. I called some company and the operator give us a quote of $300 an hour.
Now to three college kids, 300 bucks is a fuckboat of money. I said "thank you, will keep looking", but in the back of my head we dismiss the idea and moved on with our day.
Fast forward to 6 PM, I get a call back from the stripper company. The lady says she can do $200 for half an hour and transportation costs.
Honestly, we don't care how long the stripper is here, we just want to say we got our friend a stripper for his birthday. 200 bucks split three ways is still a lot of money, so the three of us rounded up six other kids and split the cost nine ways. Mike was going to get Virginia's classiest two hour notice stripper.
The operator puts me in contact with a stripper, and as soon as I start talking to this girl I realize how big of a mistake we had just made. This stripper probably drank rocks as a kid. Without any photo evidence of who she was, we told her to come and she drove 45 minutes south to our college.
I greet her when she arrives and she steps out of the car and I thought maybe she was the escort for the real stripper, but I was sadly mistaken him. Maybe this girl was a soft 2 out of 10, oh and she was 32. Looking at her, I was ready to pay her to keep her clothes on.
Well we already invested the money, no turning back now.
Mike was having a really bad day, and his fraternity was having a social with a popular sorority right before the stripper was about to arrive.
We planned everything out in secret so we would surprise him and we couldn't have him leaving before the big surprise. I call his big brother in the fraternity and tell him to keep Mike at bay.
Now on top of Mike's terrible day, he gets a phone call saying that he is not allowed to come to tonight's social and he's in trouble.
I walk the stripper from her car to my dorm room and I try my best to make small talk. How do you even make small talk with a stripper?
For the three minute walk she was able to tell me about the time she was raped as a kid, how she watched her dad get shot in the face, and about her two kids in high school.
Lovely.
I get to the room where all the guys are waiting and I knock on the door three times. The room erupts in chaos as nine college boys turn into rabid dogs. The stripper and I walk in and my friends faces turn from astonishment to terror. One of my good friends looks over at Mike, pats him on the back and says, "uhhh Mike, happy birthday dude, we bought you a stripper" and to my astonishment, he sprints over to the sink and throws up.
The stripper then has an emotional breakdown and sits in my chair and starts crying.
Birthday boy is up chucking his birthday wishes and the Chipotle he ate for lunch, and crazy stripper mom is hysterically crying in a chair in front of 8 now less horny boys.
After 10 minutes of dead silence from us and the stripper hysterical crying, I tell her it's okay, you can leave, we'll work something out.
Having already paid her in cash, we exit the building and I bring up a refund.
This is where all hell breaks loose.
The stripper start screaming at me saying she does not give refunds, and threatens me with rape charges.
I call the company and try to work something out, but they tell me that they have fired the stripper and they are no longer affiliated with her. I tell her if we don't get our money back I'm going to call the police.
I dial 911 on my phone but do not press the call button. What I didn't know at the time was that when you dial 911 from my phone, it automatically sends the call.
The phone is not my ear, but all the dispatch officer hears is a lot of shouting over money and rape.
Within 45 seconds, four police officers are running at the two of us who are standing in the middle of our quad with flashlights in our faces screaming our Maranda rights.
Both of us have no idea what's going on, but now the stripper is hysterically crying again.
The police officers catch her lying in between sentences when she is giving them a description of tonight's events. This stripper is so dumb she contradicts herself in every other sentence.
The next thing I know my guys come outside of our building to help tell the story and all hell breaks loose.
The cops are cracking up asking why we would ever hire a stripper when we're all sober.
The crazy stripper gives us her phone number, date of birth, and fake name, and goes on her way.
The police officers pull us to the side, give us a hard look and one of them said "this is why you never order a stripper off yellow pages". So far I have received 44 calls from crazy stripper mom, and there might be a civil lawsuit involved.
TLDR: Bake your friends a loving cake for their birthday.

# ? Feb 5, 2017 01:29

life is killing me: Oct 28, 2007

Let me tell you, those are bad even for stdh. Let me tell you, neither is close to believable I tell you.

Let me tell you.

# ? Feb 5, 2017 01:53

Zelder: Jan 4, 2012

Dejawesp posted:

Will you be my black friend so I can post racist stuff on the internet and then reference you to protect myself from call outs?

stdh: me having a friend

# ? Feb 5, 2017 02:45

Zelder: Jan 4, 2012

God Hole posted:

This has been making the rounds on my friend's social media lately. Not only did this not happen, but someone thought that this disgusting incest fantasy would make a good meme, and then it did.

Jesus lady cut your fingernails, no one should hear you fingering yourself

# ? Feb 5, 2017 02:52

King of Foolians: Mar 16, 2006; Long live the King!

Even if the potato story really happened (it didn't), I don't understand what the guy was planning to accomplish. In the story his girlfriend's family had the exact reaction he was expecting and his version of 'crap I kept digging myself deeper' just makes him look dumb. A better STDH would be claiming that he really did convince them he didn't know what potatoes were and hilarity ensuing.

# ? Feb 5, 2017 05:18

Khazar-khum: Oct 22, 2008; Cat Army
2nd Battalion

King of Foolians posted:

Even if the potato story really happened (it didn't), I don't understand what the guy was planning to accomplish. In the story his girlfriend's family had the exact reaction he was expecting and his version of 'crap I kept digging myself deeper' just makes him look dumb. A better STDH would be claiming that he really did convince them he didn't know what potatoes were and hilarity ensuing.

That wasn't funny when Borat did it.

# ? Feb 5, 2017 10:08

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# ? May 10, 2024 18:22

Khazar-khum: Oct 22, 2008; Cat Army
2nd Battalion

gschmidl posted:

What does this even mean

She managed to escape her would-be rapist, another troper/incel. I think.

# ? Feb 5, 2017 10:10

The Something Awful Forums > Main > Post Your Favorite: Carefully Curated > shit_that_didnt_happen.txt: I'm finding it very hard to immerse myself in the lie.

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