Anonymous Confessions: I had an extremely weird dream that's going to become relevant

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Sjs00: Jun 29, 2013; Yeah Baby Yeah !

Guy must have a seriously shy bladder

# ? Feb 5, 2017 17:17

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# ? May 10, 2024 18:49

timp: Sep 19, 2007; Everything is in my control; Lipstick Apathy

hosed-Up Little Dog posted:

Can I confess that I don't know the story of the "pissbitch" in the thread title? What was that about?

http://pastebin.com/dXK42SnL

quote:

I got a real crazy brain. Fortunately it's not violent crazy or sex crazy or liar crazy. It's a crazy that I've lived with my entire life and it basically just manifests itself as absolute utter madness. Otherwise I'm pretty goddamn normal, late 20's, got a salaried job, close with my family, lots of friends and hobbies, active dating and sex life. But when I'm alone and I haven't taken my ADHD medicine the crazy comes out.

- I'm obsessed with the following words: bees, beef, beans. At least once I day I hear myself saying out loud: "Get beefy, bitch", or "Get REAL beefy, bitch" (I like to put a lot of emphasis on the word real)

- It's nearly impossible for me to pee at a urinal in public, and even at home alone sometimes. But saying things like "c'mon you lil pissbitch" quietly to myself and generally just berating myself seems to help a lot. Just to be clear, I don't actually hate myself. It's all nonsense.

- Other words that get stuck in my head that I'm compelled to repeat with complete spontaneity: Arf, kunger, kungee (those last two are, of course, made up words)

- I talk to myself out loud soooo loving much. It's so bad that I'll ask a question out loud and then answer it. I sometimes find myself using the word "we" to describe myself like I have multiple personalities or something but I don't, it's just me talking to me, and that ends up becoming we.

- I have a lot of musical training so I've got a great ear. I use that to sing songs to myself, sometimes in an accent or a weird voice, and usually I'll be replacing the majority of the lyrics with one of the above mentioned words...beans is the favorite here

- It's probably at its worst when I'm driving. I always assume I'm "alone" when driving which is stupid because my car's not very soundproof and I certainly don't have tinted windows. I like to see how high and loud I can yell, and in order to sing well I have to sing loud and I'm usually listening to some retarded comedy music like Epic Rap Battles of History. I've probably alarmed more people stopped at red lights than anyone I know. Once, around Christmas time, Jingle Bell Rock came on and I got in a loop repeating "That's the jingle bell, that's the jingle bell" at the end for a good 5 minutes before I stopped. Again I was alone so this was for the benefit of literally no one. After a while it was just so automatic, I felt like it was somebody else singing "That's the jingle bell" over and over and I was thinking, why? Why am I doing this?

And so many other weird little things. Those are the ones that seem to crop up more frequently, but the bottom line here is that when I'm alone and unmedicated I practically turn into a real-life Looney Tunes version of a sputtering mental patient with a straightjacket on. To add to the craziness, I often like to pretend that the entire world is watching me do all this crazy stuff, like, LITERALLY the entire world. The entire population of earth has been forced into giant amphitheatres and they're just watching a live stream of my life. A lot of them are confused because they don't speak English, others are laughing, others are paying no attention at all, others are weirded out and disgusted. And sometimes I imagine specific people in my life, what they would say, what I would say back to them, and so on and so forth.

I'm totally at peace with all this and honestly not all that ashamed really, just gotta make sure that when the person I end up marrying learns all of this that she doesn't get too freaked out. Occasionally I actually crack myself up with the stupid gibberish I hear coming out of my mouth. But I wonder, do other people do any crazy poo poo like what I've described? Or am I straight up certifiable?

# ? Feb 5, 2017 17:29

Warm und Fuzzy: Jun 20, 2006

When I'm alone in the car sometimes I'll freestyle to the tune of Goldfinger, substituting "Douche Baggins" as the subject of the song.

# ? Feb 5, 2017 18:24

Fucked-Up Little Dog: Aug 26, 2008; Posting live from the nightmare future of Web 3.0; Scratchmo

quote:

pissbitch

# ? Feb 5, 2017 18:38

Police Automaton: Mar 17, 2009; "You are standing in a thread. Someone has made an insightful post."
LOOK AT insightful post
"It's a pretty good post."
HATE post
"I don't understand"
SHIT ON post
"You shit on the post. Why."

When I'm alone I sometimes experience existential terror and start screaming until I pass out. I also like old computers. Hit me up on kik

# ? Feb 5, 2017 18:47

Shifty gimbal: Dec 28, 2008; Hey you... I got something to tell ya; Biscuit Hider

Reduced sex drive guy cut your nuts off

# ? Feb 5, 2017 18:56

The Management: Jan 2, 2010; sup, bitch?

Okay, dreams guy from a few pages back, I'm going to go contrary to popular opinion and say your dreams do mean something. Humans are surprisingly unoriginal and have similar classes of dreams. Naked in front of your school, teeth falling out, etc. being chased is another one of those. It's anxiety about an impending disaster of some kind. You probably know what it is if you think about what it is that you're afraid will happen in your life.

Anyway, see a therapist and figure it out.

# ? Feb 5, 2017 19:56

Police Automaton: Mar 17, 2009; "You are standing in a thread. Someone has made an insightful post."
LOOK AT insightful post
"It's a pretty good post."
HATE post
"I don't understand"
SHIT ON post
"You shit on the post. Why."

don't make out with the therapist though

I wonder how the date went

E: somebody needs to combine :wink:

and

# ? Feb 5, 2017 19:58

LethalGeek: Nov 4, 2009

I got to tell a lady friend unironically to get beefy bitch and it was amazing

# ? Feb 5, 2017 23:09

loquacius: Oct 21, 2008

quote:

There was a recent confession sent in about being married to a hooker and it inspired me to confess the time I got robbed of roughly 2000 dollars by one and her pimp. I saw her ad and she looked too good to be true but I was drunk and horny so I figured what the hell. I always carry a firearm when I go to see hookers just in case. In this case I had a 44 magnum desert eagle. Before the TFR nerds jump on me, it was a purchase I made completely black out drunk and it seemed like a great idea at the time, and I do/did have a concealed carry permit (I am fat so concealing it isn't a huge issue).

Anyway, I show up at her lovely motel with my ~1500 dollar gun and about 400 in cash ready to gently caress. I hand over the agreed upon 150, she tells me to get ready and she heads in to the bathroom. Shortly after she closes the door and I start taking my pants off this big black guy comes out of the closet with a knife telling me it's time to leave. I reach for my gun and actually point it at him and pull the trigger, but probably luckily for me I forgot to load the drat thing. He sees me panic when I realize that I now have no defenses, punches me in the face and takes my gun and the rest of the cash in my wallet and tells me to leave.

I was just thankful that firstly he didn't stab me, secondly that he let me keep all my cards and ID, third that he let me keep my car, fourth that I didn't have to explain the dead black guy in a motel room with a whore in the bathroom had it actually been loaded to the police, and fifth that I didn't get pulled over drunk with a gun and a lot of cash on the way there. I reported it stolen just in case they end up killing someone with it but of course I had to omit a ton of details.

If there's a lesson to be learned from this, don't buy a gun you have no business carrying especially if you are stupid enough to not load it before going in to a potentially dangerous situation.

I would think the lesson is "don't pull the trigger, just point it and they won't know it's not loaded and you can make your escape" but I got yelled at by TFR nerds for saying something like that once because apparently The Conventional Wisdom is that if you have to pull your gun out at all you should shoot center mass immediately, because if you don't purposely shoot someone you might accidentally shoot someone

It didn't make sense to me either

quote:

Whenever I wash my dick in the sink, I like to cup the water in my hands and bring it to the head of my penis and pretend he's having a nice drink.

There's something weird about either your dick or your sink

# ? Feb 5, 2017 23:27

Crab Dad: Dec 28, 2002; behold i have tempered and refined thee, but not as silver; as CRAB

I believe it only because how embarrassing the whole thing is. You wouldn't tell your other gun buddies that story at all.

# ? Feb 5, 2017 23:34

McGavin: Sep 18, 2012

quote:

Whenever I wash my dick in the sink, I like to cup the water in my hands and bring it to the head of my penis and pretend he's having a nice drink.

Ah, the ol' thirsty bird.

# ? Feb 5, 2017 23:36

Stunt_enby: Feb 6, 2010; by Jeffrey of YOSPOS

loquacius posted:

I would think the lesson is "don't pull the trigger, just point it and they won't know it's not loaded and you can make your escape" but I got yelled at by TFR nerds for saying something like that once because apparently The Conventional Wisdom is that if you have to pull your gun out at all you should shoot center mass immediately, because if you don't purposely shoot someone you might accidentally shoot someone

it's more like you shouldn't point your gun at something unless you want to kill or destroy it, so if you aim a gun at someone in self defense you'd better be ready to actually kill them

# ? Feb 5, 2017 23:51

timp: Sep 19, 2007; Everything is in my control; Lipstick Apathy

I admit that I have lived a soft life with no life or death conflict, but based on what TV and movies have taught me, I think the confessor was probably right in reasoning that the best option was to brandish without pulling the trigger and gtfo of there. Since the aggressor had a knife, a gun is probably about the only thing that would have made him rethink his actions. And killing the man, as he described, leaves him admitting some pretty unflattering stuff to the police, not to mention having to live with knowing he killed a man.

I just think it's funny that he got the worst of both worlds and left his attacker super pissed by making an attempt on his life. If that one's true (it's no fun if you don't suspend disbelief a little anyways) that goon really is lucky to be alive

# ? Feb 6, 2017 00:04

Atlas Hugged: Mar 12, 2007; Put your arms around me,
fiddly digits, itchy britches
I love you all

If it is true then the pimp didn't want a dead John on his hands any more than the John wanted a dead pimp on his. But if the pimp had any sort of contact information on the guy, he'd probably put a hit out on him.

# ? Feb 6, 2017 06:27

bird with big dick: Oct 21, 2015

Police Automaton posted:

When I'm alone I sometimes experience existential terror and start screaming until I pass out. I also like old computers. Hit me up on kik

# ? Feb 6, 2017 07:01

bird with big dick: Oct 21, 2015

loquacius posted:

There was a recent confession sent in about being married to a hooker and it inspired me to confess the time I got robbed of roughly 2000 dollars by one and her pimp. I saw her ad and she looked too good to be true but I was drunk and horny so I figured what the hell. I always carry a firearm when I go to see hookers just in case. In this case I had a 44 magnum desert eagle. Before the TFR nerds jump on me, it was a purchase I made completely black out drunk and it seemed like a great idea at the time, and I do/did have a concealed carry permit (I am fat so concealing it isn't a huge issue).

Anyway, I show up at her lovely motel with my ~1500 dollar gun and about 400 in cash ready to gently caress. I hand over the agreed upon 150, she tells me to get ready and she heads in to the bathroom. Shortly after she closes the door and I start taking my pants off this big black guy comes out of the closet with a knife telling me it's time to leave. I reach for my gun and actually point it at him and pull the trigger, but probably luckily for me I forgot to load the drat thing. He sees me panic when I realize that I now have no defenses, punches me in the face and takes my gun and the rest of the cash in my wallet and tells me to leave.

I was just thankful that firstly he didn't stab me, secondly that he let me keep all my cards and ID, third that he let me keep my car, fourth that I didn't have to explain the dead black guy in a motel room with a whore in the bathroom had it actually been loaded to the police, and fifth that I didn't get pulled over drunk with a gun and a lot of cash on the way there. I reported it stolen just in case they end up killing someone with it but of course I had to omit a ton of details.

If there's a lesson to be learned from this, don't buy a gun you have no business carrying especially if you are stupid enough to not load it before going in to a potentially dangerous situation.

I appreciate that he mentioned that he was fat but he didn't mention that he was also severely retarded so I'm going to have to call bullshit on his CCing a desert eagle.

I mean, the rest of the story indicates that he's retarded, but...

# ? Feb 6, 2017 07:12

Panfilo: Aug 27, 2011; EXISTENCE IS PAIN😬

I'm imagining this guy who looks like Notch emitting a high pitched shriek and the black guy knocked him out and left to get him to shut up so they wouldn't attract more attention.

# ? Feb 6, 2017 07:36

loquacius: Oct 21, 2008

scrubs season six posted:

I appreciate that he mentioned that he was fat but he didn't mention that he was also severely retarded so I'm going to have to call bullshit on his CCing a desert eagle.

I mean, the rest of the story indicates that he's retarded, but...

I don't know gun stuff, is there a reason this is bad apart from the gun being very expensive?

quote:

I have a weird feeling about our current political circus and don't want to post it anywhere for fear of being looked at as a tin foil hat loony.

What if rather than being a racist, islamaphobe Trump is reacting to a legitimate threat of a terror attack by imposing a 90 day ban? It wouldn't be a bad time for these ISIS clowns to get something big in the papers. Rather than hoping we catch them it's much safer to shut poo poo down and run out the leads before revealing what we know and losing whatever the source was. I find it odd that major airlines have been having "Computer issues" and grounding all their planes nationwide.

This is all purely conjecture but sometimes being a good leader means having everyone think you are an rear end in a top hat for the greater good because revealing why you did what you did will open a new can of worms.

Now for a real confession that illustrates my point.

My dad was a public school administrator. He had quite a few times where he had to be a bad guy and got poo poo on for doing his job.

One memorable story that I would not feel comfortable sharing in public was when he had to fire a lunch lady. It was a smaller town and she was active in church and the community. She knew all the kids in the school and was looked at a bit like the town grandma or Mrs. Claus. All the people in town liked her and the kids especially liked her. She had been a lunchlady for many years and was getting up in age and was overweight.

Apparently she had started to have problems making it to the restroom to pee. One day she must have had an emergency and rather than have an accident she grabbed a coffee can and jammed it under her dress and peed in it while inside of the kitchen making lunches. This became a common occurrence until it was how she normally used the bathroom while at work.

One day the janitor told my dad what was happening. The reason the janitor knew was he had been taking the can into the bathroom for her and dumping her pee for years. He only told because he had gotten into an argument with her and he decided he was done dumping her pee.

My dad immediately fired her because how the hell can you do anything else in that situation. She fully admitted to it and he ended up getting a different lunch lady to cover the shifts as a temp while a new FT person was hired.

He didn't publicize why she was let go as he didn't want to embarrass her in the community. A few weeks after she was fired he started having townspeople come up and complain why she was fired for being late. His options were to admit he had unknowingly been letting a staff member pee inside the kitchen for years and she was lying or be considered an rear end in a top hat. He just let people think he was an rear end in a top hat.

Oddly enough he has quite a few stories about having to fire lunch ladies, who knew they were the ones you should be watching.

quote:

I was at work when I zoned out and somehow my mind wandered to sexual fantasies. One of then involved coming up behind a woman, tearing her clothes off, and loving fast and hard without any care for her. Dominating a woman like that turned me on immensely and I developed a throbbing erection. If it wasn't the hardest I've ever been, it was drat close. It wasn't a rape fantasy, just dominating a woman who actually enjoyed that type of thing. I'm not even sure how I started thinking like that. It made me feel like I was in charge for once, that I have the power. It felt good in the hosed up space of mind.

I think I need a new job

Or at least some new porn

# ? Feb 6, 2017 14:42

Jose: Jul 24, 2007; Adrian Chiles is a broadcaster and writer

hire a hooker :thumbsup:

# ? Feb 6, 2017 14:45

Anne Whateley: Feb 11, 2007; i like nice words

quote:

My dad immediately fired her because how the hell can you do anything else in that situation. She fully admitted to it and he ended up getting a different lunch lady to cover the shifts as a temp while a new FT person was hired.

Yeah your dad was totally helpless, his hands were tied, he couldn't have done anything else such as . . . figuring out reasonable accommodations for an employee with a disability. He couldn't even have had a conversation about adult diapers or anything.

# ? Feb 6, 2017 14:51

loquacius: Oct 21, 2008

Anne Whateley posted:

Yeah your dad was totally helpless, his hands were tied, he couldn't have done anything else such as . . . figuring out reasonable accommodations for an employee with a disability. He couldn't even have had a conversation about adult diapers or anything.

It's a two-way street, the lunchlady also should have figured out some intermediary steps between "having trouble getting to the bathroom" and "regularly peeing in a can while serving people food"

# ? Feb 6, 2017 14:55

Rockman Reserve: Oct 2, 2007; "Carbons? Purge? What are you talking about?!"

no, actually, pissing in a public food prep area for years is a pretty good reason to fire someone

# ? Feb 6, 2017 14:55

RCarr: Dec 24, 2007

food court bailiff posted:

no, actually, pissing in a public food prep area for years is a pretty good reason to fire someone

I assume you regularly see cases like this. You should start an A/T thread.

# ? Feb 6, 2017 14:59

Tinestram: Jan 13, 2006; Excalibur? More like "Needle"; Grimey Drawer

Hey Trump conspiracy dude: he's been talking about the immigration ban for literally years, I doubt he's had that much forewarning of an attack that would happen specifically in the first 90 days after inauguration of ~whoever~.

# ? Feb 6, 2017 15:29

Anne Whateley: Feb 11, 2007; i like nice words

loquacius posted:

It's a two-way street, the lunchlady also should have figured out some intermediary steps between "having trouble getting to the bathroom" and "regularly peeing in a can while serving people food"

Yeah absolutely, but if he's firing people for poor judgment and general grossness, how the gently caress do you keep the janitor

# ? Feb 6, 2017 15:37

yeah I eat ass: Mar 14, 2005; only people who enjoy my posting can replace this avatar

While that conspiracy theory (like most of them) could theoretically true, it's far simpler and there's far more evidence that Trump is just a racist and did it just because he's wanted to do it for so long. If there was truly a terrorist threat that this would have been a solution for I'm sure they'd have handled it far better/more covertly so it wouldn't get almost immediately overturned.

# ? Feb 6, 2017 15:41

Torquemada: Oct 21, 2010; Drei GlÃ¤ser

loquacius posted:

I don't know gun stuff, is there a reason this is bad apart from the gun being very expensive?

I'm amazed no one from TFR has jumped on this yet. It's large, impractical, expensive, and sold almost exclusively to people who've seen one in an action movie, or people who've dual wielded them in a computer game.

# ? Feb 6, 2017 15:46

yeah I eat ass: Mar 14, 2005; only people who enjoy my posting can replace this avatar

Torquemada posted:

I'm amazed no one from TFR has jumped on this yet. It's large, impractical, expensive, and sold almost exclusively to people who've seen one in an action movie, or people who've dual wielded them in a computer game.

I'm no TFR goon but I would think in addition to that a bullet that big would probably go through the guy and the next couple of walls, so even if the police ruled that situation self defense the confessor would probably still get charged with reckless endangerment or whatever charge I can't remember from law & order in similar situations. There's not really a valid self-defense reason I can think of for needing a gun that powerful (e: unless you regularly encounter large bears or something) and the public is probably safer with it out of the fat hooker goon's hands.

# ? Feb 6, 2017 15:51

bradzilla: Oct 15, 2004

loquacius posted:

For the past 7ish years I've looked for ways to reduce my sex drive. It's not particularly high but I would much rather spend the energy on my hobbies or work. Spending 10 hours a week jacking off is a huge waste of time and I could really use the sleep.

I don't know why but I am loving crying laughing at these 2 sentences, bravo!

# ? Feb 6, 2017 16:08

Speleothing: May 6, 2008; Spare batteries are pretty key.

Yo, loq, I've been having a hard time searching the archives. So it's not just you.

# ? Feb 6, 2017 16:35

Cool Dad: Jun 15, 2007; It is always Friday night, motherfuckers

bradzilla posted:

I don't know why but I am loving crying laughing at these 2 sentences, bravo!

I love the idea of someone jacking off for ten hours a week. I picture two hours a day of solid jacking off on weekdays, and he takes the weekends off.

# ? Feb 6, 2017 16:40

loquacius: Oct 21, 2008

Anne Whateley posted:

Yeah absolutely, but if he's firing people for poor judgment and general grossness, how the gently caress do you keep the janitor

The janitor doesn't handle food being served to people, and janitors have to clean up other people's pee all the time anyway, but yeah he should at least get chewed out for just plain not telling anyone about this for years

yeah I eat rear end posted:

While that conspiracy theory (like most of them) could theoretically true, it's far simpler and there's far more evidence that Trump is just a racist and did it just because he's wanted to do it for so long. If there was truly a terrorist threat that this would have been a solution for I'm sure they'd have handled it far better/more covertly so it wouldn't get almost immediately overturned.

It would also be 100% in Trump's favor politically to publicize any evidence of terror attacks as much as he possibly can. He'd be able to get away with pulling totalitarian bullshit much more easily (see: Patriot Act) and it would silence dissent and get the country's attention away from him being a petty tyrant. He gains nothing from keeping it secret and doubling down on "no, I'm just a white nationalist" apart from the continued support of white nationalists, and he'd have to be caught on camera making out with Al Sharpton to lose their votes anyway.

Also: LOL at the idea of Trump listening to intelligence briefings

Speleothing posted:

Yo, loq, I've been having a hard time searching the archives. So it's not just you.

Yeah, the new forums search works great but only for threads up to a certain age. I blame radium.

# ? Feb 6, 2017 16:41

Sjs00: Jun 29, 2013; Yeah Baby Yeah !

Pissbitch strikes again

# ? Feb 6, 2017 16:45

Fried Watermelon: Dec 29, 2008

That's THE jingle bell

# ? Feb 6, 2017 19:29

loquacius: Oct 21, 2008

quote:

I have a secret closet in my house I don't let anybody know about. It's filled with females' socks that I collect. Some from the gym, some from work, and a few are those thin panty hose like socks at the shoe stores. Those are my favorite but it's rare that someone uses them and puts them back. You've gotta sniff good to be sure and sometimes they kick you out for doing that.

I did inventory a few weeks ago and have about 300 socks right now. Not as many as I'd like but they work well for their purpose - masturbation aid. I get a good sniff of lady musk and I'm all horned up.

we've had foot fetishists ITT before that literally steal children's shoes, this is kinda weak by comparison, but for the record I once again just plain don't get the concept of sweat-smell-based fetishes

quote:

I hate my daughter. Obviously I don't tell anyone that, least of all her, but it's true. I truly hate my daughter.

I loved my wife with all my heart, and was super excited to become a parent with her. I went to every parenting class I could sign up on, studied everything, and was 100% prepared for fatherhood with her. I was not prepared to be a single father, though.

My wife sunk in to a really terrible post-partum depression after the baby was born. We got her help, and she was on meds, and I did everything I could to be a good father and husband. But one day, my wife drove her car in to oncoming traffic. She was instantly killed, which I guess is a small blessing vs being in a hospital bed for the rest of her life.

I then had to raise a baby daughter all alone. And my god it's tough and i constantly feel alone and I miss my wife so much. There are a lot of times I think about skipping the highway exit to my house and just driving on, leaving my baby daughter at day care forever. I think the worst part is every time I look at her I see so much of my wife in her.

It's hosed-up what your wife did, but seek counseling if it's causing you to resent your daughter. She didn't do anything and she deserves better.

# ? Feb 6, 2017 19:36

sephiRoth IRA: Jun 13, 2007; "Science is not only compatible with spirituality; it is a profound source of spirituality."

-Carl Sagan

Way better. There is a big difference between "my toddler is really loving annoying right now, but I still love her unconditionally" and "I wish my daughter didn't exist". Sounds like you need to get some therapy dude, because you've probably been blanking your daughter for your wife's death as opposed to just grieving normally.

# ? Feb 6, 2017 19:48

RCarr: Dec 24, 2007

What happened to your wife is really sad, and honestly breaks my heart hearing about it. But you need to be there for your daughter. No matter what. Your wife's mental problems aren't your daughters fault. Get therapy please.

# ? Feb 6, 2017 20:36

omnibobb: Dec 3, 2005; Title text'd

Similar but different: my ex-wife and I had a second child when we shouldn't have. We never had a solid foundation and money was tight, but she wanted a second child so we did. This only exasperated the financial issues, which did improve, but the damage was already done and we ended up getting divorced.

Sometimes I wonder what life would be like now if we never had her and it makes me sad to think that because she's the sweetest most lovable child I've ever met.

It's not my daughters fault her parents made a bad decision and it's not your daughters fault either (or yours for that matter).

hth

# ? Feb 6, 2017 20:51

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# ? May 10, 2024 18:49

Nooner: Mar 26, 2011; AN A+ OPSTER (:

you got divorced

# ? Feb 6, 2017 21:13

The Something Awful Forums > Main > General Bullshit > Anonymous Confessions: I had an extremely weird dream that's going to become relevant

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