Anonymous Confessions: I had an extremely weird dream that's going to become relevant

The Something Awful Forums > Main > General Bullshit > Anonymous Confessions: I had an extremely weird dream that's going to become relevant

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omnibobb: Dec 3, 2005; Title text'd

Nooner posted:

you got divorced

I thought this was anonymous

# ? Feb 6, 2017 22:51

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# ? May 10, 2024 08:19

yeah I eat ass: Mar 14, 2005; only people who enjoy my posting can replace this avatar

Now-single dad goon, if I learned anything from movies I've recently seen, maybe consider buying a zoo and using it to bond with your kid. It worked for Matt Damon.

# ? Feb 6, 2017 22:53

christmas boots: Oct 15, 2012; To these sing-alongs 🎤of siren 🧜🏻‍♀️songs
To oohs😮 to ahhs😱 to 👏big👏applause👏
With all of my 😡anger I scream🤬 and shout📢
🇺🇸America🦅, I love you 🥰but you're freaking 💦me 😳out; Biscuit Hider

Actually, smell-based fetishes kinda make sense. The smell-sense is linked to memory in a way the others really aren't, even if it's a loving gross smell.

# ? Feb 6, 2017 23:05

sephiRoth IRA: Jun 13, 2007; "Science is not only compatible with spirituality; it is a profound source of spirituality."

-Carl Sagan

yeah I eat rear end posted:

Now-single dad goon, if I learned anything from movies I've recently seen, maybe consider buying a zoo and using it to bond with your kid. It worked for Matt Damon.

I think being Matt Damon is what worked for Matt Damon.

# ? Feb 6, 2017 23:07

Crab Dad: Dec 28, 2002; behold i have tempered and refined thee, but not as silver; as CRAB

If that's not a recipe for slaying mad pussy i don't know what is.

"Yeah my wife died in a tragic accident and now I'm raising my daughter all alone".

Hell I'd pity bang you.

# ? Feb 7, 2017 00:14

Wizzle: Jun 7, 2004; Most
Parochial
Poster

LingcodKilla posted:

If that's not a recipe for slaying mad pussy i don't know what is.

"Yeah my wife died in a tragic accident and now I'm raising my daughter all alone".

Hell I'd pity bang you.

Yep. If you're a good, attentive father it makes women get all weak in the knees and such. If your daughter is old enough to remember this, don't march a train of women through your bedroom, though. That's just asking for trouble later.

# ? Feb 7, 2017 00:20

loquacius: Oct 21, 2008

quote:

I was getting all my tax documents together and realized something really bad - I owe around 90k to the IRS this year. I don't have 90k of course.

I gamble a lot. I got my win/loss statement from the casino. I spent around 1,200,000 and earned 1,500,000. So that's 300k dollars I earned gambling. There's a 30% tax on gambling earnings so yup, 90k.

I don't have that because I bought new cars for my wife and I and proceeded to pay off my student loans and my house. I do not know how to proceed from here, haven't told my wife, and am really scared.

I would say "how does a guy who still has student loans manage to spend 1.2 mil on gambling" but I guess you have a system. Just gotta account for this one detail huh

I dunno man, I can barely handle my "I worked at a salaried job all year and have no dividend-paying investments" W2 :shrug:

Any insights, thread?

quote:

i can't stop pulling out hairs from my beard. it's forming bald spots and the longr my beard gets the more noticeable it is. i try to stop all the time, but then while i'm zoned at t work i pull more hairs out. it's not even conscious. my family thinks i just grow a lovely beard, tjhey dont know that im pulling dozens of hairs out every day.

This is an actual factual diagnosable mental condition :eng101:

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Trichotillomania

Treatment usually involves CBT, so you know what I'm gonna say :therapy:

# ? Feb 7, 2017 00:27

Fitzy Fitz: May 14, 2005

Gambling goon: Simply win another $120k gambling. Notice that I accounted for taxes for you.

Beard goon: Shave your beard and you won't have anything to pick at.

# ? Feb 7, 2017 00:39

The Management: Jan 2, 2010; sup, bitch?

Gambling man, here's what you do. Get a good tax attorney. Have him prepare a statement for you. Tell the IRS that you owe them money that you don't have, but would really rather not go to prison or get your stuff repossessed. So if they could provide you with a payment plan to get them their money plus penalties, you would gladly agree to it.

Enjoy your audit.

# ? Feb 7, 2017 03:10

GOTTA STAY FAI: Mar 24, 2005; ~no glitter in the gutter~
~no twilight galaxy~; College Slice

Did the casino not offer to withhold the taxes on your winnings? Or did you just say "gently caress that?"

Call the IRS as soon as possible at 1-800-829-1040. Call early in the day on a weekend or late at night on a weeknight or be ready to be put on hold for a while.

I know it seems daunting and scary or whatever but stand-up comedians and sitcoms are completely wrong about them being assholes--I speak with them just about every day while working with clients and they'll bend over backwards to help you out with a payment plan or other arrangements if you call and tell them you want to pay your taxes but can't afford it at the moment.

So call soon. If you put it off until they come looking for that money, your options become very, very slim.

If for some reason you and they can't come to an agreement that works for you, then go ahead and grab yourself a tax attorney like The Management said.

# ? Feb 7, 2017 15:34

P-Mack: Nov 10, 2007

Yeah. They want your money, that's all. Going to court or sending you to jail costs money, so they'd rather not do that unless you force them to. They deal with idiots on a regular basis, so your situation is not in any way unique.

# ? Feb 7, 2017 15:40

bradzilla: Oct 15, 2004

lmao at the gambling addicted tax goon being shocked that he has to pay taxes

# ? Feb 7, 2017 15:56

RatHat: Dec 31, 2007; A tiny behatted rat👒🐀!

I have to assume he's a professional poker player or something because otherwise who spends 1.2 million a year gambling what the gently caress.

# ? Feb 7, 2017 15:56

loquacius: Oct 21, 2008

quote:

My wife just dropped a massive bombshell on me that I'm pretty sure will destroy the marriage.

She has always had a really kind heart and volunteered for years at a hospice care facility for people with special needs. It was fulfilling work for her and she always came home happy, even if she was completely exhausted after working 8 hours at her real job and then volunteering for a few more hours.

She just confessed to me, seemingly out of the blue, that she has been acting as a sex partner with many of her patients. "It helps calm them down" and "nobody deserves to die unloved" and "it's just a body maintenance thing" were some of her words.

I am assuming she got caught at work and she's trying to normalize this for me before I hear about it from someone else. But it is NOT normal at all and I'm frankly disgusted with my wife right now. These are people who do not understand sex, who most likely can't consent, and my wife has been doing this for a long time.

There is also a large part of me that is convinced this was her attempt at cheating on me, but that she had no luck with "normal" people. We are both pretty overweight - around 320 lbs each, and my wife is not exactly sociable either. I loved her though, and treated her like a goddess.

So since she told me this she's been staying with her sister, and I've been at home alone with our cats. I do not know what to do going forward. Divorce seems obvious but I think she might just need major therapy. But, at least right now, I cannot imagine EVER being intimate with her again, even just the thought of touching her arm is grossing me out right now.

I think the divorce and the therapy are pretty much both essential yeah

quote:

I live and work in Pittsburgh. One time I was walking to grab lunch with a coworker and we saw Joe Manganiello. At the time he was just getting really famous for being on True Blood. My coworker waved at him and said "I love your work!".

Joe Manganiello called us "dumb marks" and just walked right past us. I still hate the guy for this and hope his acting career fails. Also, he was godawful in that new Pee Wee Herman movie, which was also just plain bad.

FYI I checked, he's not on anything else you'd have heard of, but he is married to Sofia Vergara

# ? Feb 7, 2017 16:00

ALFbrot: Apr 17, 2002

loquacius posted:

I think the divorce and the therapy are pretty much both essential yeah

FYI I checked, he's not on anything else you'd have heard of, but he is married to Sofia Vergara

Magic Mike was pretty popular

# ? Feb 7, 2017 16:09

loquacius: Oct 21, 2008

ALFbrot posted:

Magic Mike was pretty popular

Well the blurb on the right side of his Google results page did not say anything about movies :colbert:

I am seeing now that he played Peter Parker's high school bully in the Tobey Maguire Spider-Man movies as well

# ? Feb 7, 2017 16:14

Police Automaton: Mar 17, 2009; "You are standing in a thread. Someone has made an insightful post."
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RatHat posted:

I have to assume he's a professional poker player or something because otherwise who spends 1.2 million a year gambling what the gently caress.

scratch off tickets probably tho

I will never truly understand people who are that overweight. I read their weight and just thinking of it sounds uncomfortable. I was a pudgy teenager (not even fat by todays' teenagers standards around here) and I still remember to this day how uncomfortable I was with that excess weight. I lost that weight after being drafted and I never felt better in my life. If you are looking for a *dramatic* change, give weight loss a try. I bet you will feel a lot better and it could lead to a new you with new confidence.

# ? Feb 7, 2017 16:14

The Management: Jan 2, 2010; sup, bitch?

It must suck to find out that you're married to someone who has been raping the disabled.

I doubt she did it because she was specifically trying to cheat on you. She did it because there is something very wrong with her. In her mind it very well could have an act of kindness and her lines between caring and sexuality are blurred.

So my money's on her having been molested as a child. Non-sociable 320 pounds fits that bill. It's up to you whether you want to work with her on fixing this or break up, but untreated she may be dangerous around future children you have.

# ? Feb 7, 2017 16:32

Tinestram: Jan 13, 2006; Excalibur? More like "Needle"; Grimey Drawer

Police Automaton posted:

scratch off tickets probably tho

I will never truly understand people who are that overweight. I read their weight and just thinking of it sounds uncomfortable. I was a pudgy teenager (not even fat by todays' teenagers standards around here) and I still remember to this day how uncomfortable I was with that excess weight. I lost that weight after being drafted and I never felt better in my life. If you are looking for a *dramatic* change, give weight loss a try. I bet you will feel a lot better and it could lead to a new you with new confidence.

Significant weight loss is much more difficult than modest weight loss, hth

# ? Feb 7, 2017 16:31

Police Automaton: Mar 17, 2009; "You are standing in a thread. Someone has made an insightful post."
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runupon cracker posted:

Significant weight loss is much more difficult than modest weight loss, hth

No reason to not give it at least a try

# ? Feb 7, 2017 16:36

subhuman filth: Nov 1, 2006

The obese Florence nightingale of retard blowjobs

# ? Feb 7, 2017 17:02

Return Of JimmyJars: Jun 24, 2006; by FactsAreUseless

subhuman filth posted:

The obese Florence nightingale of retard blowjobs

Mod please change the thread title

# ? Feb 7, 2017 17:05

GOTTA STAY FAI: Mar 24, 2005; ~no glitter in the gutter~
~no twilight galaxy~; College Slice

loquacius posted:

I think the divorce and the therapy are pretty much both essential yeah

Both of you should speak with a professional--her for obvious reasons, and you because this sort of thing is a mindfuck and can very easily lead you down some dark roads if left to your own devices alone in the home you used to live in together.

You should also speak with a physician about weight loss. Three-hundred-twenty pounds is no bueno. I don't mean that as an insult--I'm sincerely concerned for your health. A licensed physician can help you examine your habits and diet and help you come up with a plan to take the weight off safely, with or without medication.

Okay, now this I do mean as an insult: don't say poo poo like "she's my goddess" because it makes you sound like a Nice Guy^{^TM}

# ? Feb 7, 2017 17:06

purple death ray: Jul 28, 2007; me omw 2 steal ur girl

subhuman filth posted:

The obese Florence nightingale of retard blowjobs

Goons produce the best sentences in the English language

# ? Feb 7, 2017 17:07

Torquemada: Oct 21, 2010; Drei GlÃ¤ser

purple death ray posted:

Goons produce the best sentences in the English language

No kidding, someone just dropped "reaping the masturbatory whirlwind" in one of the other threads I'm following.

# ? Feb 7, 2017 17:11

Danaru: Jun 5, 2012; 何 ??

subhuman filth posted:

The obese Florence nightingale of retard blowjobs

# ? Feb 7, 2017 17:12

Torquemada: Oct 21, 2010; Drei GlÃ¤ser

The Management posted:

It must suck to find out that you're married to someone who has been raping the disabled.

I also love understatement for comic effect.

# ? Feb 7, 2017 17:14

Arkanomen: May 6, 2007; All he wants is a hug

I agree, no one should go unloved but they should also go unflattened.

# ? Feb 7, 2017 17:30

Cool Dad: Jun 15, 2007; It is always Friday night, motherfuckers

subhuman filth posted:

The obese Florence nightingale of retard blowjobs

The only way to save your marriage is for you to go to her work and gently caress the all of the same retarded people.

# ? Feb 7, 2017 17:53

free basket of chips: Sep 7, 2012; by FactsAreUseless

Does your wife work from home

# ? Feb 7, 2017 18:54

monkeytennis: Apr 26, 2007; Toilet Rascal

free basket of chips posted:

Does your wife work from home

# ? Feb 7, 2017 19:01

Arkanomen: May 6, 2007; All he wants is a hug

free basket of chips posted:

Does your wife work from home

There it is.

# ? Feb 7, 2017 19:06

GOTTA STAY FAI: Mar 24, 2005; ~no glitter in the gutter~
~no twilight galaxy~; College Slice

free basket of chips posted:

Does your wife work from home

# ? Feb 7, 2017 19:08

bradzilla: Oct 15, 2004

free basket of chips posted:

Does your wife work from home

# ? Feb 7, 2017 19:10

loquacius: Oct 21, 2008

Police Automaton posted:

scratch off tickets probably tho

There's no way in hell anyone could make a long-term running profit off of scratch tickets. Those things are a scam, and they're not gameable no matter how Rain-Man you are about it. I worked in a convenience store, and you'd always see people come in, buy $100 worth of $10 tickets, win $20 off of one of them, use it to buy two more of the same ticket, win $5 off one of those, buy a $5 ticket with it, get nothing off that one, and go home with nothing. He was probably either playing a shitload of high-stakes poker or counting cards at blackjack.

They're a decent gag gift or prize for a work competition or something, but if you're spending six figures on scratch tickets you probably have six-figure losses.

quote:

So I have been married to a wonderful man for the past 4 years. He has 2 younger brothers who are also really great and welcomed me as a sister from the first time they met me.

Here is where things get painful and complicated. His younger brother (24 y/o) got a girl pregnant. He then proposed to her and they're engaged. They also have no money, and the baby is due in 3 months. To help them save up money for the baby, we agreed to let them live with us TEMPORARILY. We have a spare bedroom which was previously being used as my office, I bought a cheapo bed for them and welcomed them in.

They have gotten way too complacent and it is starting to cause issues between my husband and I. It was agreed that, in lieu of rent, they would help out cooking, cleaning, and running errands for us. And they did, for about 3 weeks. Then the holidays came around and kind of screwed things up, and despite multiple discussions and arguments, they still haven't done anything. I can forgive the girl as she's really pregnant, but my husband's brother works 4-6 hours a day and just comes home and plays video games.

The other issue, and the one that's really driven this confession, is their bizarre sex life. When they moved in with us they had a large cardboard box labelled "PRIVATE" which they admitted was full of their sex stuff. Whatever, I'm not judging, you do you. But they have started breaking all rules of common decency.

I got off work early one day and texted ahead to let them know. I got "Okay - see you soon! " as a text and assumed all was good. Nope - came home to find him sucking on her toes while she shoved her fingers up his rear end in a top hat. This was on the living room couch, 10 feet from the front door. A great image to come home to for sure.

This led to a huge argument between the 3 of us, which escalated when my husband got home. He helped cool things down and we seemed to be okay. Then a few nights later I got up to pee. Found a bunch of clothes all over the hallway. I said "oh gently caress it" and just went to the bathroom, but discovered the two of them in there covered in grape jelly. I know that's funny out of context but it's pretty infuriating at 2 am when you just need to piss and you know they won't clean up after themselves anyway.

This led to another major argument at 3 am, which pissed my husband off as he gets up at 5 for work.

The root of the problem is nothing they do is truly malicious, it's just dumb and thoughtless. And we both feel for them - they are trying to save up for the baby, which is admirable. But they have turned into the 2 most annoying people in the world and have no common sense.

quote:

This is dumb as hell but whenever "Brick" by Ben Folds Five pops up on the radio I get just a little turned on because my first boyfriend used to play that song on repeat when we had sex. It was annoying at the time and annoying still but I've been pavloved into associating a song about abortion with good sex. As far as I know my ex never knew it was about abortion but he turned out to be a creep so if he had a weirdo abortion fetish it wouldn't surprise me.

# ? Feb 7, 2017 19:17

Solice Kirsk: Jun 1, 2004; .

free basket of chips posted:

Does your wife work from home

# ? Feb 7, 2017 19:22

Police Automaton: Mar 17, 2009; "You are standing in a thread. Someone has made an insightful post."
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"It's a pretty good post."
HATE post
"I don't understand"
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"You shit on the post. Why."

loquacius posted:

There's no way in hell anyone could make a long-term running profit off of scratch tickets. Those things are a scam, and they're not gameable no matter how Rain-Man you are about it. I worked in a convenience store, and you'd always see people come in, buy $100 worth of $10 tickets, win $20 off of one of them, use it to buy two more of the same ticket, win $5 off one of those, buy a $5 ticket with it, get nothing off that one, and go home with nothing. He was probably either playing a shitload of high-stakes poker or counting cards at blackjack.

quote:

the wife's confession

Feeling sorry for the kid. They are obviously too young for one. (if it's true)

# ? Feb 7, 2017 19:23

Jose: Jul 24, 2007; Adrian Chiles is a broadcaster and writer

they were hoping for you to join in

# ? Feb 7, 2017 19:25

Baronjutter: Dec 31, 2007; "Tiny Trains"

Divorce your husband for bringing that dead beat piece of jelly loving poo poo into your house. Don't forget to vet the family you're marrying into next time.

# ? Feb 7, 2017 19:27

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# ? May 10, 2024 08:19

loquacius: Oct 21, 2008

Police Automaton posted:

Work on your text-only sarcasm delivery please :colbert:

# ? Feb 7, 2017 19:27

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