Anonymous Confessions: I had an extremely weird dream that's going to become relevant

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GOTTA STAY FAI: Mar 24, 2005; ~no glitter in the gutter~
~no twilight galaxy~; College Slice

Thoughts of sunshine and moonbeams are great and all, but this guy is toast.

# ? Feb 8, 2017 19:58

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# ? May 13, 2024 05:20

Fitzy Fitz: May 14, 2005

Some serious relationship questions coming up lately. I don't know which is worse: gambling away your life-savings or masturbating retards.

# ? Feb 8, 2017 20:07

Leon Einstein: Feb 6, 2012; I must win every thread in GBS. I don't care how much banal semantic quibbling and shitty posts it takes.

Fitzy Fitz posted:

Some serious relationship questions coming up lately. I don't know which is worse: gambling away your life-savings or masturbating retards.

They're both dealbreakers.

# ? Feb 8, 2017 20:08

majour333: Mar 2, 2005; Mouthfart.; Fun Shoe

What if gambling goon won? Sure he's hosed because he lost it. But if he won is just as stupid.
If he keeps the cash for himself he's a turd, and if he tells his wife, "Oh boy wife, I made us money! By gambling all of our money! On football!" What an rear end in a top hat.

# ? Feb 8, 2017 20:35

loquacius: Oct 21, 2008

majour333 posted:

What if gambling goon won? Sure he's hosed because he lost it. But if he won is just as stupid.
If he keeps the cash for himself he's a turd, and if he tells his wife, "Oh boy wife, I made us money! By gambling all of our money! On football!" What an rear end in a top hat.

It's only stupid if it doesn't work :smug:

(it didn't work)

At any rate there really was a guy who bet $1.1 million on the Falcons, but I can't find any information who that guy was.

# ? Feb 8, 2017 20:52

SniperWoreConverse: Mar 20, 2010; Gun Saliva

fruit on the bottom posted:

Look, if the Seahawks were able to win a Super Bowl then the possibilities are endless.

I'm going all in right now on the Browns for next SB. I can feel it.

# ? Feb 8, 2017 21:06

Leave: Feb 7, 2012; Taking the term "Koopaling" to a whole new level since 2016.

SniperWoreConverse posted:

I'm going all in right now on the Browns for next SB. I can feel it.

What, are they going to play the Lions? :rolleye:

# ? Feb 8, 2017 21:31

Cool Dad: Jun 15, 2007; It is always Friday night, motherfuckers

Fitzy Fitz posted:

Some serious relationship questions coming up lately. I don't know which is worse: gambling away your life-savings or masturbating retards.

Look at you assuming it was just masturbation. :allears:

# ? Feb 9, 2017 01:14

Solice Kirsk: Jun 1, 2004; .

Enola Gay-For-Pay posted:

Look at you assuming it was just masturbation.

There's no way a 400lb rapist wouldn't suck the protein out of her mentally retarded rape victims. Instead of a therapist her husband should be calling the loving police.

# ? Feb 9, 2017 02:02

Panfilo: Aug 27, 2011; EXISTENCE IS PAIN😬

I'm surprised nobody assumed his wife was the same therapist who kissed that other Incel goon :tinfoil:

# ? Feb 9, 2017 02:32

loquacius: Oct 21, 2008

quote:

I have an addiction to chinese buffets that is starting to threaten my life and health.

I go 5-6 times a week. That would be okay if I only had a plate or two, but I usually have 5 or 6 plates each visit to maximize my value. And there are some times I go for both lunch and dinner in one day, which I know isn't too good.

I did it as a coping mechanism for my very stressful job. Then I noticed I was putting on weight - I ballooned up from 210 lbs to 290 in the last 6 months. I still love that buffet though and for 8 bucks, you can't beat the value. I am really torn on what to do.

quote:

I'm guessing a lot of people suspect this already, but the Superbowl and the NFL season as a whole is fixed.

I don't know exactly how long this has been going on, but it's been since at least 2001.

At the beginning of the season the winner is already decided, along with the basic storyline of the season. This year it was Tom Brady and the Patriots winning after his mother began her fight with cancer, and coming back as the biggest underdogs possible at the end. If you can't already tell from the last few years, the writers in charge of this loving love the Patriots since they are a massive draw for viewers and merchandise. Don't expect to see them out of the playoff picture any time soon.

Most players aren't aware of this, it's all in the head coaches and a few key players for each team. Has your favorite QB suddenly started sucking out of nowhere? That's just him having to throw a few games to make sure everybody ends up in the playoff spots they need to be. The Falcons completely fell apart last night because A) Tom Brady was purposely playing bad to start and build the story and B) They were supposed to lose.

I would assume, but can't be sure since I'm not involved, that most pro sports are similarly fixed. It's actually all thanks to pro wrestling - the NFL realized you had a hardcore fanbase no matter what, and could draw in more casual fans with exciting games and season-long storylines.

If this is true what was the point of the XFL huh :colbert:

I do like the idea of Roger Goodell setting himself up as a really inept, cowardly, non-bombastic version of Vince McMahon though

Him handing Kraft the trophy and running away immediately with his tail between his legs was like the equivalent of that time Steve Austin hit Vince with a Stone Cold Stunner

e: you also can't really "fake" successfully completing a long-bomb pass, or poo poo like Edelman's ankle catch

# ? Feb 9, 2017 03:07

Nocheez: Sep 5, 2000; Can you spare a little cheddar?; Nap Ghost

I started to doubt the football one, but bad playcalling really can make a big difference. Setting up your team to walk right into what the other team is planning could definitely impact the results, if win/loss is all that matters.

# ? Feb 9, 2017 03:47

Chard: Aug 24, 2010

loquacius posted:

I have an addiction to chinese buffets that is starting to threaten my life and health.

I go 5-6 times a week. That would be okay if I only had a plate or two, but I usually have 5 or 6 plates each visit to maximize my value. And there are some times I go for both lunch and dinner in one day, which I know isn't too good.

I did it as a coping mechanism for my very stressful job. Then I noticed I was putting on weight - I ballooned up from 210 lbs to 290 in the last 6 months. I still love that buffet though and for 8 bucks, you can't beat the value. I am really torn on what to do.

Tyler_the_Creator_HaHa_tweet_buffet.txt

Chard fucked around with this message at 04:18 on Feb 9, 2017

# ? Feb 9, 2017 04:14

The Management: Jan 2, 2010; sup, bitch?

When I was a broke college kid I went with my buddies to Shakeys (greasy buffet). At a table nearby I noticed a very fat man eating by himself. He kept getting more food and stuffing his face. At some point he got up and left his giant pile of used plates behind. I didn't think much of if. Except later I noticed him at a different table stuffing his face with whole new set of plates while his pile of used plates were still at the old table. He was obviously ashamed of being seen with so many dirty empty plates.

Chinese buffet addict might take a lesson from this man and develop some shame.

# ? Feb 9, 2017 05:43

uber_stoat: Jan 21, 2001; Pillbug

if he keeps it up they'll probably start banning him. restaurant owners hate people like that. just picturing some tiny middle aged asian lady shaking her fist in the air when she sees him come in the door. but there's no shortage of crappy american chinese buffets to choose from is there? by the time he works through all of them he will probably be dying of heart diseases/the beetis.

# ? Feb 9, 2017 05:49

Wizzle: Jun 7, 2004; Most
Parochial
Poster

Buffet goon: exercise is also a good coping mechanism for stress. You'll find that food like that is incompatible with exercise. Also being in better shape will make you more attractive to whatever it is you're attracted to and will increase the chances of getting the secks... which also helps with stress.

# ? Feb 9, 2017 15:44

Nocheez: Sep 5, 2000; Can you spare a little cheddar?; Nap Ghost

I laughed at the value part. Sure, it's cheaper than most places for that much food but the quality is terrible and the health costs far outweigh (lol) the "value."

Learn to cook. It'll save you much more in the long run.

# ? Feb 9, 2017 17:01

Rockman Reserve: Oct 2, 2007; "Carbons? Purge? What are you talking about?!"

Wizzle posted:

Buffet goon: exercise is also a good coping mechanism for stress. You'll find that food like that is incompatible with exercise. Also being in better shape will make you more attractive to whatever it is you're attracted to and will increase the chances of getting the secks... which also helps with stress.

Yeah. Exercise is like the best mood booster around.

# ? Feb 9, 2017 17:53

loquacius: Oct 21, 2008

quote:

There are 2 parts to this confession, which collide at the end.

1) I look at pornography at work on my work laptop A LOT. Don't lecture me on how it's dumb, I know it is. But there's no blocking of sites and I get bored and I don't wanna use my phone's data. Usually just 1-2 hours a day over lunch, not like I'm on it all day.

2) I have a habit of not double checking my work and just sending it out. Usually this is fine but every so often I'll make a minor mistake and somebody else will catch it.

My boss gave me some work to do and I got it finished. It involved publishing something on our website, and he wanted a screenshot just to show it was correctly formatted and looked okay. So I sent the screenshot and thought nothing of it.

Until I was leaving work and went to close all my windows and realized I had multiple tabs open. Including one tab with porn. So I looked back at the email I sent and yup, multiple windows on the screen shot, including one with the words "BANGABLE GIRL - TRAIN SEX EPISODE 2 SUBBED" right there.

If it was something else I could probably get out of it, but of course I had to watch some hentai with a really obvious title. I try to delete the email and unsend it, but it says he's already opened it.

That was on Friday. I haven't heard from my boss yet and am terrified he's just been working with HR to get rid of me.

maybe he didn't notice :shrug:

VVVV this one's a doozy VVVV

quote:

I lost my job 2 months ago and haven't had much luck in finding anything else since. I started working fast food to pay the bills, but that only went so far and in the interest of saving some small bit of money, I moved out of my apartment. In the absolute lowest moment of my life I had to move in with my ex girlfriend, who I haven't talked to in nearly a year, since she's the only person I know within 100 miles of my current lovely job.

But the thing is, she doesn't know yet that I've moved in. She has a really beautiful house that she lives in all alone. When we dated I LOVED staying over there because it felt like being in a mansion. I tried calling her before I moved in but she either changed her number or blocked me. I didn't have much stuff anyway so it wasn't a big deal. I alternate between her attic and her shed for now. Shed on work days, so I can easily sneak out and walk to work. Attic on days off since it's much better for just chilling out and I can keep an eye on her.

I'm hoping a recent interview went well and I can move out of her place without her ever knowing. I realize this is a little odd but it works for us so far. I can't help out around the house in the traditional sense, but I do clean up after myself. I use her shower and replace any shampoo and soap I use, plus I carefully dry things so she doesn't suspect anything.

She's still single and I wish we could end up back together, too. I guess that's the real confession here - I'm still smitten with my ex, who I live with. Call me a loser if you want, but we broke up under bad circumstances (I asked her to marry me way too early in the relationship and she freaked out) and I want to fix things. I'm a better man now and could really make her happy. Obviously right now I'm a loser working fast food, but I hope to show her a better version of me soon.

One night she fell asleep on the couch and I almost had a bad moment of walking past her. I thought she was awake and got scared, but when I saw she was asleep I covered her with her blanket and gave her a light kiss on the lips. She smiled and, in that moment, I think she was dreaming of me. Maybe soon.

# ? Feb 9, 2017 17:59

Fried Watermelon: Dec 29, 2008

loquacius posted:

If this is true what was the point of the XFL huh

I do like the idea of Roger Goodell setting himself up as a really inept, cowardly, non-bombastic version of Vince McMahon though

Him handing Kraft the trophy and running away immediately with his tail between his legs was like the equivalent of that time Steve Austin hit Vince with a Stone Cold Stunner

e: you also can't really "fake" successfully completing a long-bomb pass, or poo poo like Edelman's ankle catch

As an outsider looking in the fixed NFL game seems fairly logical. I watched the superbowl and all everyone talked about was Tom Brady, like he was the main protagonist, I don't even know if they mentioned the Falcons QB. It really seemed like Falcons vs Tom Brady. Also losing the entire game and then winning in a coin toss overtime is kind of sketchy.

# ? Feb 9, 2017 18:03

Chard: Aug 24, 2010

loquacius posted:

the goon is coming from inside the house

I do not believe this, but if it's even partially true it might be the creepiest thing posted so far.

# ? Feb 9, 2017 18:11

Fitzy Fitz: May 14, 2005

The "moved in with" and "living with" phrasing is hilarious.

# ? Feb 9, 2017 18:15

loquacius: Oct 21, 2008

Fried Watermelon posted:

As an outsider looking in the fixed NFL game seems fairly logical. I watched the superbowl and all everyone talked about was Tom Brady, like he was the main protagonist, I don't even know if they mentioned the Falcons QB. It really seemed like Falcons vs Tom Brady. Also losing the entire game and then winning in a coin toss overtime is kind of sketchy.

Yeah I don't know if talking about the most famous person present a lot is proof positive that the sport is fixed. They also did in fact talk about Matt Ryan whenever he did something, you probably just didn't notice because his name is so eminently forgettable. (also they gave Ryan the season MVP over Brady)

and I dunno if you noticed but the fourth quarter was in fact part of the game too

# ? Feb 9, 2017 18:18

VanSandman: Feb 16, 2011; SWAP.AVI EXCHANGER

Fitzy Fitz posted:

The "moved in with" and "living with" phrasing is hilarious.

Yeah, that's the only part that makes CC's reject projects even remotely worth browsing.

# ? Feb 9, 2017 18:19

Fried Watermelon: Dec 29, 2008

loquacius posted:

Yeah I don't know if talking about the most famous person present a lot is proof positive that the sport is fixed. They also did in fact talk about Matt Ryan whenever he did something, you probably just didn't notice because his name is so eminently forgettable. (also they gave Ryan the season MVP over Brady)

and I dunno if you noticed but the fourth quarter was in fact part of the game too

Yeah I noticed

# ? Feb 9, 2017 18:20

ALFbrot: Apr 17, 2002

Fried Watermelon posted:

Yeah I noticed

Oh so you're just extremely dumb then

# ? Feb 9, 2017 18:31

Fried Watermelon: Dec 29, 2008

ALFbrot posted:

Oh so you're just extremely dumb then

extremely!

# ? Feb 9, 2017 18:35

sephiRoth IRA: Jun 13, 2007; "Science is not only compatible with spirituality; it is a profound source of spirituality."

-Carl Sagan

Wow, I kinda hope house invasion goon gets straight up beaten by this girl in what she thinks is burglary. It's super fake, of course, but in the most infinitesimal chance it's not I think a few days in the hospital followed by jail might do that guy some good.

# ? Feb 9, 2017 18:39

Wintermutant: Oct 2, 2009; Dinosaur Gum

Wouldn't be the first time it's happened:

http://www.nbcwashington.com/news/weird/South-Carolina-Woman-Finds-Ex-Living-in-Attic--169386366.html?amp=y

# ? Feb 9, 2017 18:39

Slugworth: Feb 18, 2001; If two grown men can't make a pervert happy for a few minutes in order to watch a film about zombies, then maybe we should all just move to Iran!

Fitzy Fitz posted:

The "moved in with" and "living with" phrasing is hilarious.

The best part is definitely "I realize this is a little odd but it works for us so far."

Works. For us.

# ? Feb 9, 2017 18:45

bradzilla: Oct 15, 2004

You guys writing from CC suck at making your poo poo even remotely believable.

# ? Feb 9, 2017 18:50

GOTTA STAY FAI: Mar 24, 2005; ~no glitter in the gutter~
~no twilight galaxy~; College Slice

Yeah, take out the stupid kiss part and have him staying in a tent in the woods nearby and only using her house to shower while she's at work and it might've been okay.

And you said you don't post the really fake ones? Does that mean you get faker ones than this (excluding the obvious joke poo poo)?

# ? Feb 9, 2017 19:10

loquacius: Oct 21, 2008

GOTTA STAY FAI posted:

And you said you don't post the really fake ones? Does that mean you get faker ones than this (excluding the obvious joke poo poo)?

Eh, I posted my policies a while back and they haven't really changed

loquacius posted:

I'll admit this, the only ones I don't post are

(a) ones that are so gross I don't want to finish reading them let alone put them in my clipboard for even a second
(b) "hey it's me SA user <username> posting anonymously for no particular reason to say that I am a literal retard and I love pooping in my adult diapers while jacking off to Nat Geo, once again this was personally typed and submitted as the unvarnished truth by me, SA user <username>, the stupidest man alive, put that on record please"
(c) low-effort "you're all dumb morons, butt poop fart fuk u" stuff
(d) anything that appears to have been written one-handed
(e) anything that will get me probated (I only get probated in C-SPAM tyvm) or get the thread gassed

Other than that it's basically anything goes, if I don't believe it I'll just say so ITT

expand (c) to "low-effort trolls in general" though, the ones that are just "Here are my racist opinions, listed alphabetically:" were getting pretty tiresome so I skip them most of the time

# ? Feb 9, 2017 20:02

DACK FAYDEN: Feb 25, 2013; Bear Witness

loquacius posted:

expand (c) to "low-effort trolls in general" though, the ones that are just "Here are my racist opinions, listed alphabetically:" were getting pretty tiresome so I skip them most of the time

Are they listed alphabetically by first word of the sentence or by racial slur?

# ? Feb 9, 2017 20:21

loquacius: Oct 21, 2008

Here, have someone's worldbuilding document

quote:

Since the age of 8 I have been taught one undeniable truth - vampires are real and they have been trying for centuries to conquer the world. I have been trained by my father and mother, also vampire killers, to become a living weapon in the war against the vampire threat. Here is a quick history lesson to catch you up with what I know.

The first vampires appeared around 800 AD in China. They were pretty close to what you imagine - pale bloodsuckers who came out at night, preyed on humans, and then disappeared during the day. Vampires spread out from here. If a vampire drains you of too much blood, you die. But if they can keep you alive, you have a chance of becoming a vampire yourself. That's how they spread out - infecting people who then traveled to new parts of the world.

As of right now, it's estimated there are around 12,000 vampires in the world. They exist on every continent except Antarctica, and the strongest concentration (~1000) are in the Pacific Northwestern forests of the US.

Every region's vampires are slightly different but they all have the following things in common - they drink blood, they are all OCD and must count things (dropped seeds, stones, etc), and to kill them you either remove the head, stake the heart, or force them in to sunlight for an extended period. Becoming a vampire causes people to lose most of their higher intelligences - I've never seen vampire art, literature, architecture etc. They have a very basic society that's basically a wolf pack - there's an Alpha up top that's usually the oldest, and other vampires stay out of its way and do its bidding.

I have never heard a vampire speak English or any other language and it's believed they cannot speak in any human tongue. But there are some who think they have their own spoken language based on ancient Chinese.

I'll follow up with detailed descriptions of different vampires if there's interest and belief in this. Pacific NW vampires, the ones I'm hunting now, have adapted and started hollowing out the root systems under trees and burying themselves during the day. Other vampires prefer mud and one I saw as a kid hid inside a wicker basket.

Vampirism also can pop up in animals, although it's rare since typically a vampire will totally drain an animal. I have seen vampire cats and dogs before. These are in some ways even more dangerous than "human" vampires - their simpler brains become obsessed with blood and they'll kill anything they see and gorge themselves on blood until they burst like a tick.

I was an apprentice from age 8 to 18 and have been a killer from 18 to 34. In that time I've assisted in around 100 kills and have killed about 20 all by my lonesome. This is all funded via the global society of vampire hunters, which was set up by a group of wealthy businessmen and religious leaders in the 1700s.

quote:

I am violently allergic to shellfish including lobsters, crabs, and any kind of oyster or muscle or similar bivalve. My face and fingers swell up, my eyes start watering, I get really violent diarrhea, and oh yeah, my throat starts to close up and I can't breathe and my blood pressure drops dangerously. I've ended up in the hospital several times due to consuming lobster or crab that I was unaware was in a dish.

I also loving love the taste of all these things and will many times take my epipen to Red Lobster or a similar seafood place. I realize I'm playing with fire but couldn't care less, I refuse to remove seafood from my life just because I need to double up my meds. My wife has threatened divorce over this, but she has no idea the pain I'm in as she has no allergies herself.

# ? Feb 10, 2017 04:30

Danaru: Jun 5, 2012; 何 ??

loquacius posted:

quote:
chad belmont

I don't know how you managed to take the concept of vampire hunting and turn it into a boring, tedious mess to read, but congrats man. Even if you read it as a silent hill style "they look like monsters to you?" thing it's still boring as poo poo.

Also lol at a vampire burying himself to hide from the sun instead of, like, going indoors

# ? Feb 10, 2017 04:34

Wizzle: Jun 7, 2004; Most
Parochial
Poster

loquacius posted:

...allergic to shellfish...

At $600 per Epi Pen, that's a god drat expensive Red Lobster meal. And why would your doctor keep prescribing them? If I was your doctor I'd start to ask some serious questions about why you come back every month for 1-2 more.

# ? Feb 10, 2017 05:51

christmas boots: Oct 15, 2012; To these sing-alongs 🎤of siren 🧜🏻‍♀️songs
To oohs😮 to ahhs😱 to 👏big👏applause👏
With all of my 😡anger I scream🤬 and shout📢
🇺🇸America🦅, I love you 🥰but you're freaking 💦me 😳out; Biscuit Hider

If you're going to kill yourself over shellfish, you can do better than Red Lobster.

# ? Feb 10, 2017 06:57

free basket of chips: Sep 7, 2012; by FactsAreUseless

100,000 thousand redwoods in the pacific north west Ha Ha Ha

# ? Feb 10, 2017 10:18

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# ? May 13, 2024 05:20

loquacius: Oct 21, 2008

One more football post:

Nocheez posted:

I started to doubt the football one, but bad playcalling really can make a big difference. Setting up your team to walk right into what the other team is planning could definitely impact the results, if win/loss is all that matters.

Someone just posted something on my Facebook feed that reminded me of this. The Falcons made a lot of bad playcalls in this Super Bowl for the same reason the Seahawks made that one bad playcall at the end of the Super Bowl two years ago: because Bill Belichick forced them to. Everybody hates Belichick, but he is even more clearly the best there has ever been than Brady.

free basket of chips posted:

100,000 thousand redwoods in the pacific north west Ha Ha Ha

lol I was really tired when I posted that and I missed the part about counting

Anyway it's about time for more

quote:

So I realized just how crushing my life is the other day. I have everything going right, but I'll never be free from physical pain. I live my life with a slew of muscular and neural disorders, alongside mental illnesses. On my best days, I can go to work and come home to my beautiful, wonderful supportive boyfriend who has to then help me undress and lie down before I can get up to cook dinner.

Most nights, we just have a protein shake or he tries his best of cook a meal because I can't hold myself upright long enough to cook for us both. I have to shower sitting down. I'm a 20 year old college girl and although I can walk and talk just fine, once I crash I take hours to come back.

It's only going to get worse from here.

quote:

I was diagnosed with esophageal cancer, most likely from years of smoking. The doctors gave me a very low chance of surviving, one specifically said it would be a miracle if I survived.

Knowing this, I proceeded to effectively trash my entire life. I sold everything I had and moved back with my parents. I cashed out my 401(k). All told, I had about 150,000 dollars that I planned to spend on myself, with any leftovers going to my parents when I died.

I won't lie, I did a lot of drugs and hosed a lot of prostitutes. Many of the drugs were pretty shady and laced with things, and many of the prostitutes weren't clean but were cheap and willing to do anything. I fulfilled every weird fantasy I ever had and tried every drug I wanted to, especially impressive considering I had only ever smoked weed before my diagnosis.

I spent every penny in just about 2 months and resigned myself to death. Then a miracle happened and I managed to beat the cancer. So I'm in a really difficult position now. I'm obviously extremely happy to be alive and cancer free, but I'm also broke, living with my parents, and I have crabs. I also believe I might have an opioid addiction, although it's hard to tell if that's from the drugs or just from being off the pain killers they gave me during my treatment.

My parents are also 100% aware that I was doing drugs and having sex. We fought over it a lot but I always used the Cancer card and that kind of instantly wins any argument. Now they are acting like it's my own fault I'm in this position. Yeah, I sure did want to get cancer.

Keep that inspirational "beat cancer" attitude. You have a new lease on life; get your poo poo together and start over. So you have some medical problems, big deal, you're used to doctors by now, get it dealt with. You have job skills, obviously, or you wouldn't have had 150 grand to blow on nothing. You're fine.

# ? Feb 10, 2017 14:36

The Something Awful Forums > Main > General Bullshit > Anonymous Confessions: I had an extremely weird dream that's going to become relevant

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