Anonymous Confessions: I had an extremely weird dream that's going to become relevant

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Solice Kirsk: Jun 1, 2004; .

Just image them, create a fake Facebook account, and post them to your SiL's wall. Problem solved and no one's the wiser! It's not breaking HIPAA if it's a matter of the heart*.

*may not be true

# ? Feb 17, 2017 04:14

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# ? May 9, 2024 22:05

sephiRoth IRA: Jun 13, 2007; "Science is not only compatible with spirituality; it is a profound source of spirituality."

-Carl Sagan

Why not just pm her with the fake account? See if you can get her to come clean? Blackmail and Hipaa violations never hurt anybody, right?

# ? Feb 17, 2017 04:45

The Management: Jan 2, 2010; sup, bitch?

Enola Gay-For-Pay posted:

STD guy, your SIL knows where you work, right? She probably had that test done there on purpose, so you'd see it and know shes DTF.

He works in a lab where tests are sent, not the clinic

As for SIL, maybe an old boyfriend hit her up and told her to get tested. Maybe she was raped and doesn't want anyone to find out. Or maybe she was donating blood and they sent her tests to that lab. Maybe a bunch of other stuff, who knows.

# ? Feb 17, 2017 05:49

SniperWoreConverse: Mar 20, 2010; Gun Saliva

It says right on the test paperwork "reason for testing: extramarital fuckfest"

# ? Feb 17, 2017 08:10

H.H: Oct 24, 2006; August is the Cruelest Month

I apologize in advance if the confessions won't be updated as regularly as you've come to expect since in the next few days loquacius is away and I have a throat infection.

I'll try to do what I can. Here's the latest batch:

quote:

I live in a wealthy, upscale neighborhood that also happens to be almost 100% white. Last year a new couple moved in and they were black.

I was part of a cycle of abuse, criminal activities, and intimidation to get that couple to move out. It has been eating me up inside ever since and, thanks in part to this thread, I'm finally confessing to the police.

As soon as they moved in the whispers started. Old couples saying "there goes the neighborhood" and worrying about crime and drugs. People started parking their cars inside instead of in the driveway. And every time we heard a police siren on the highway somebody would wince and look over at the new neighbor's house, expecting something to happen. And I fully admit I was a coward and joined in with them. I was scared of what might happen if I fought against the majority, and I also bought into the fear mongering and started to believe the insanity.

We left threatening letters in their mailbox, we called in false police reports saying we heard screaming in their house and feared spousal abuse. We spilled chemicals in their yard to kill the grass and dropped ants and wasps in their yard hoping they'd nest there.

Our HOA busted them for every tiny infraction - grass was a centimeter too high, bushes were slightly untrimmed, a fallen branch sat on their lawn for a weekend (nevermind that they were on vacation at the time), and they were too loud past 10 pm on a week night.

And we got what we wanted - they moved away after just under 5 months there. The house is still unsold but the neighbors all pitch in to make it look nice. Sure is wonderful of them to do it for an empty house but not for 2 neighbors. The day after they moved out the HOA threw a party under the guise of it being an anniversary event. But we all knew what it was. And I sat there and started feeling disgusted with myself.

It's taken me 6 months to build up the courage to admit what a coward and reprehensible human I am. I hope the whole lot of us get thrown in jail for this.

quote:

I have transcended the need to sleep and now can be productive 24/7. Nobody believes me but it's true.

I started slowly weaning myself off sleep when I realized I was wasting almost half my life in a coma.

I started getting 6 hours of sleep a night, and got adjusted to that. I started off needing 3-4 cups of coffee a day to function, but then cut that down to just one in the morning. I kept at this 6 hour stretch for about 2 months, until sleeping any more than 6 hours became almost painful for me - I'd wake up feeling groggy and confused, not unlike being hungover or having consumed some bad drugs.

I then cut that down to 4 hours a night on weeknights and 2 hours a night on weekends, when I was less mentally active. This was a big adjustment, especially for the weekends. But I upped my coffee intake to 4 cups a day and handled it fine. Weaned myself back down to one cup of coffee on weekday mornings, one cup weekend mornings and one cup weekend evenings. I also made sure to keep my sleep time consistent, so my biological clock stayed consistent and stopped bugging me by closing my eyes or shutting down my brain.

After that the next step was obvious - no sleep at all. I tried that but found myself passing out randomly at work, at home, and most frighteningly - on my bike ride home. I woke up as I slammed into a ditch, that wasn't much fun and almost completely turned me off the no-sleep diet. I had some random passer bys try and convince me to go see a doctor, but I explained I was just tired and they teleported outta there pretty fast.

So I adjusted things to handle my biological issues. Monday thru Friday I take a 15 minute power nap at noon, and then a 30 minute power nap around 11 pm. Weekends I don't sleep at all. I've cut my total sleep down from ~60 hours a week to less than 4 hours a week. I've effectively freed up an entire working week, which I take full advantage of.

I've started up my favorite hobby again - bug collecting. I think we all know there are more bugs in your house late at night, but I think you'd be surprised by HOW many are out there. I've started really digging around at night and found so many beetles, roaches, spiders, and some cool unidentifiable (by me) things too. I've got a little terrarium set up so I can catalog them and watch them do their thing. I even found a lobster crawling in the walls one day. No loving clue how it got there, but I cataloged him and then cooked him up for dinner. This will be a weird sentence - but wall lobster is delicious. I assume he was eating mice and some smaller bugs, but I didn't really research too much as I was pretty hungry. I've heard more scratching in the walls so I think I've got another nest forming.

This has also helped my social life a ton. I used to have to cancel events because of work or because I was just too tired. But with all my free time I get to hang out online, go to the bar, and go to the dance clubs a lot more. I feel way more social and it's nice to know that I've got a direct line to the past, present, and future via the internet.

The second confession basically describes polyphasic sleep and is 99% likely to be bullshit, but I found the second part to be entertaining, so I still posted it.

# ? Feb 17, 2017 08:44

SnoozeOrder: Aug 2, 2016

Good hook on the wall lobsters there, adds that vital 'fesh spice :discourse:

# ? Feb 17, 2017 08:54

Doctor Malaver: May 23, 2007; Ce qui s'est pass� t'a rendu plus fort

If this is Creative Convention goons posting stories here, maybe we should go to CC and post real confessions there, poorly disguised as fiction.

# ? Feb 17, 2017 10:01

yeah I eat ass: Mar 14, 2005; only people who enjoy my posting can replace this avatar

Are we supposed to pat the fake racist goon on the back or something? I'm not a cop or lawyer, but I doubt the police are going to act on things that seem to barely qualify as a crime especially ones that happened 6 months in the past with the offended party probably out of their jurisdiction. Even if he does get charged with anything he'll probably get a fine at worst.

# ? Feb 17, 2017 10:42

SniperWoreConverse: Mar 20, 2010; Gun Saliva

There's kinda not going to be a way to make it really right. You're gonna have to live with it forever.

# ? Feb 17, 2017 10:53

School Nickname: Apr 23, 2010; *fffffff-fffaaaaaaarrrtt*

H.H posted:

I apologize in advance if the confessions won't be updated as regularly as you've come to expect since in the next few days loquacius is away and I have a throat infection.

I'll try to do what I can. Here's the latest batch:

The second confession basically describes polyphasic sleep and is 99% likely to be bullshit, but I found the second part to be entertaining, so I still posted it.

If the first fesh had shown no remorse at all and wasn't so contradictory I would have been 100% convinced the fesher was ThreeOlives. "grass was a centimeter too high" :wtc:

# ? Feb 17, 2017 11:22

yeah I eat ass: Mar 14, 2005; only people who enjoy my posting can replace this avatar

School Nickname posted:

"grass was a centimeter too high" .

To be fair, HOA people would complain about that and any number of petty things you can imagine no matter what your race is, which is why no sane person would want to live in a community governed by one.

# ? Feb 17, 2017 11:29

ArtIsResistance: May 19, 2007; QUEEN OF FRANCE, SAVIOR OF LOWTAX

do any of the regular posters in this thread consider self-harm ever I'm just trying to do some forums research

# ? Feb 17, 2017 11:51

necroid: May 14, 2009

yeah I eat rear end posted:

Are we supposed to pat the fake racist goon on the back or something? I'm not a cop or lawyer, but I doubt the police are going to act on things that seem to barely qualify as a crime especially ones that happened 6 months in the past with the offended party probably out of their jurisdiction. Even if he does get charged with anything he'll probably get a fine at worst.

more likely that the police are going to crack open a few beers with him and pat him on the back for a job well done

# ? Feb 17, 2017 13:36

Solice Kirsk: Jun 1, 2004; .

Yeah, I've got news for you Racist Bandwagon Goon. You're a white homeowner so you're not gonna get into any trouble for this. I'd say maybe you should move to get away from those people, but like Sniper said you're gonna have to live with it for the rest of your life. Also you're a total piece of poo poo and thats never gonna change.

# ? Feb 17, 2017 13:44

purple death ray: Jul 28, 2007; me omw 2 steal ur girl

Lmao no you didn't find a lobster in your wall. Do you know what a lobster is you dumb piece of idiot

# ? Feb 17, 2017 13:49

Solice Kirsk: Jun 1, 2004; .

Sheetrock Lobster?

# ? Feb 17, 2017 13:54

Chef Boyardeez Nuts: Sep 9, 2011; The more you kick against the pricks, the more you suffer.

guys with the help of coffee and this other magic substance I've been sleep free for the last week you'll never guess what I found when I disassembled all the clocks in my house

# ? Feb 17, 2017 13:55

purple death ray: Jul 28, 2007; me omw 2 steal ur girl

a delicious live Maine lobster, it was meowing a lot but I think that's normal

# ? Feb 17, 2017 14:19

H.H: Oct 24, 2006; August is the Cruelest Month

Chef Boyardeez Nuts posted:

guys with the help of coffee and this other magic substance I've been sleep free for the last week you'll never guess what I found when I disassembled all the clocks in my house

Lmao

# ? Feb 17, 2017 14:23

Cool Dad: Jun 15, 2007; It is always Friday night, motherfuckers

I am so curious about what he ate. maybe a scorpion?

(I know it's not real let me dream)

# ? Feb 17, 2017 14:23

RCarr: Dec 24, 2007

purple death ray posted:

Lmao no you didn't find a lobster in your wall. Do you know what a lobster is you dumb piece of idiot

A) The post is a joke

B) I think he was going for the whole "Losing his mind from sleep deprivation" angle

Also Racist Goon you are a giant piece of poo poo.

# ? Feb 17, 2017 14:24

H.H: Oct 24, 2006; August is the Cruelest Month

quote:

I am super depressed almost 24/7 and the only thing keeping me from sticking my head in the oven is The Legend of Zelda. I love those games so goddamn much and I can't wait for Breath of the Wild. Thankfully Nintendo keeps new Zelda games flowing every few years, and I'm compelled to beat them 100%, because otherwise I'd be dead.

The first day I get a new Zelda is like Christmas morning. I'll play through it and devote some time every day to it. As I near the end I get really excited but also can feel my depression coming back. When I finally hit 100% I get really depressed, and that's when the oven thoughts start up. But usually, Nintendo will have a new game coming down the pipeline and I vow to stay alive to play through it. Breath of the Wild looks pretty massive and filled with secrets so I think Nintendo's bought me another year or two at least.

quote:

I have a very very wonderful sexual fetish. I am a beekeeper and want to make love to a queen bee, turning the hive into a race of man-bees. The beekeeper is not part of the fetish, I am actually a beekeeper and my daily contact with queen bees has made me realize how sexy and attractive they are to me.

I know this is biologically impossible but I have attempted to make love to a queen bee. I've figured out a relatively safe and enjoyable method. I manually masturbate myself while the queen sits on the head of my penis. When I ejaculate some of it hits her, and the rest I just let lay where it will. Then I put her back in the hive. I've had some issues but by slightly drugging her, she doesn't fly away or try and fight back. I feel pretty bad about this as I'm effectively slipping a roofie to my date, but until bee/human communication exists it's hard to get consent from her.

There have been many stories that show a man becoming a bug and falling in love, or a male bug falling in love. Things like Bee Movie, Antz, and many episodes of TV shows. But they have never shown the love between a human man and a bug woman. So a lot of people think I'm strange for this, but a male bug loving a woman is the basis of a family movie like Bee Movie. Hypocrisy is never ending in Hollywood.

# ? Feb 17, 2017 14:30

RCarr: Dec 24, 2007

Nintendo saved my life

# ? Feb 17, 2017 14:35

KomodoWagon: May 10, 2013; by R. Guyovich

No, dude. What you did was rape. You raped the bee queen. :honk:

# ? Feb 17, 2017 14:37

Solice Kirsk: Jun 1, 2004; .

KomodoWagon posted:

No, dude. What you did was rape. You raped the bee queen.

# ? Feb 17, 2017 14:39

The Management: Jan 2, 2010; sup, bitch?

Hey Zelda guy, you know you can replay the games, right? Like, once you finish a video game you don't have to toss it out. Leave it on the shelf for a few months then clear your saves and start again. You should have enough Zelda games for a lifetime of this by now.

# ? Feb 17, 2017 15:12

Indolent Bastard: Oct 26, 2007; I WON THIS AMAZING AVATAR! I'M A WINNER! WOOOOO!

Sorry bee fucker, your story is probably bullshit. The Queen is so heavily looked after by her Attendants, you wouldn't have a chance to do what you are saying. To find, isolate, remove, drug (whatever the hell that is), and then jerk off with the Queen is so far fetched. Also with that level of interference the queen would get annoyed and swarm off I'm almost certain. If you'd have just said you like to jerk it into an open hive, or when bees land on you it might be plausible. But like every other fake confession, you got too specific and gave yourself away.

# ? Feb 17, 2017 15:18

The Management: Jan 2, 2010; sup, bitch?

ArtIsResistance posted:

do any of the regular posters in this thread consider self-harm ever I'm just trying to do some forums research

I fantasize about self killing but in my fantasies I'm you

# ? Feb 17, 2017 15:23

mfcrocker: Jan 31, 2004; Hot Rope Guy

KomodoWagon posted:

No, dude. What you did was rape. You raped the bee queen.

We Are Number One but every time they say one it's home video of a goon spunking on a bee

# ? Feb 17, 2017 15:31

sephiRoth IRA: Jun 13, 2007; "Science is not only compatible with spirituality; it is a profound source of spirituality."

-Carl Sagan

Solice Kirsk posted:

Sheetrock Lobster?

I've been really disappointed by how ridiculous the confessions have been lately. There have been like three plausible ones in the last fifteen.

# ? Feb 17, 2017 15:40

GOTTA STAY FAI: Mar 24, 2005; ~no glitter in the gutter~
~no twilight galaxy~; College Slice

Solice Kirsk posted:

Yeah, I've got news for you Racist Bandwagon Goon. You're a white homeowner so you're not gonna get into any trouble for this. I'd say maybe you should move to get away from those people, but like Sniper said you're gonna have to live with it for the rest of your life. Also you're a total piece of poo poo and thats never gonna change.

# ? Feb 17, 2017 15:45

bradzilla: Oct 15, 2004

lmao at owning a home with a HOA

# ? Feb 17, 2017 15:57

Hardawn: Mar 15, 2004; Don't look at the sun, but rather what it illuminates; College Slice

My dad likes the first Zelda a lot, he printed a walkthrough and would methodically complete every step listed in the packet over and over again.

# ? Feb 17, 2017 16:28

pablo gbscobar: Nov 24, 2007; oh shit i got the snype; Lipstick Apathy

KomodoWagon posted:

No, dude. What you did was rape. You raped the bee queen.

I'm dying

# ? Feb 17, 2017 17:26

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To oohs😮 to ahhs😱 to 👏big👏applause👏
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🇺🇸America🦅, I love you 🥰but you're freaking 💦me 😳out; Biscuit Hider