Anonymous Confessions: I had an extremely weird dream that's going to become relevant

The Something Awful Forums > Main > General Bullshit > Anonymous Confessions: I had an extremely weird dream that's going to become relevant

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The Management: Jan 2, 2010; sup, bitch?

Sex isn't that important in a relationship until you're not getting any. Then it's really important.

# ? Feb 19, 2017 02:20

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# ? May 9, 2024 22:43

Clockwerk: Apr 6, 2005

GOTTA STAY FAI posted:

Fire's going out, buddy.

Welcome to long-term relationships. Start kindling that poo poo stat, or you'll wake up one day and realize you haven't had a decent gently caress in a decade. That sort of thing isn't important to everyone, but it seems like it is to you. No judgement here--everyone wants something different out of a relationship.

It doesn't take much. Pay attention to your partner, do little things like leaving notes for her to find, and for gently caress's sake talk to her. Tell her how great she is and how much you missed her while you were away at work.

Do not do any sappy chick-flick nonsense like spending $500 winning her a teddy bear at the carnival or buying her a meteorite or some such poo poo.

Kindling, friend. Buying her a one-of-a-kind unobtainium alloy necklace is throwing a pile of logs on the few remaining embers. Not gonna work, but will likely solve your problem for you by rendering you single again, free to plunder all the poonanner you want. I don't know the details of your situation, but if that is an outcome you want (especially considering you began with "she's cheating on me"), there are certainly cheaper ways to go about it.

Also you mentioned her sleeping a lot, and more than one goon has suggested it may be due to depression. Just sayin'.

Semi-related: If you click on the "Profile" button at the bottom of an obnoxious shitheel's post, it takes you to their profile page, where you are free to click "Add user to your Ignore List." This hides future posts from him or her.

there's a lot of good advice in here, except you absolutely should buy her a bitchin' geode or something

# ? Feb 19, 2017 03:11

Solice Kirsk: Jun 1, 2004; .

Clockwerk posted:

there's a lot of good advice in here, except you absolutely should buy her a bitchin' geode or something

But that would be giving her the agency to decline the gift. Just ride it out duder. Keep all your thoughts and concerns to yourself and drag that dead relationship out for another couple years.

# ? Feb 19, 2017 03:33

Danaru: Jun 5, 2012; 何 ??

Communication? Compromise? Heh, sounds like beta-talk to me :smugbert:

I like my relationships dead and sexless just like me

Danaru fucked around with this message at 03:49 on Feb 19, 2017

# ? Feb 19, 2017 03:44

RatHat: Dec 31, 2007; A tiny behatted rat👒🐀!

90% of the confessions in this thread can be solved by talking to someone about their problems.

# ? Feb 19, 2017 03:50

Solice Kirsk: Jun 1, 2004; .

Maybe they could try separate beds? The problem is her taking most of the bed right?

# ? Feb 19, 2017 04:14

H.H: Oct 24, 2006; August is the Cruelest Month

quote:

On one of my previous jobs I once stayed the last person in the office. It was night and I felt powerful and horny for some reason so I went to the marketing room and jacked off. Four women worked there over day. I wasn't particularly into any of them and I don't normally get turned on by exhibitionist/risky stuff so I don't know what was that all about.

I ejaculated over some cardboard box with samples and thought that it would take a while until someone notices. There were a dozen boxes in that side of the room. The next day I saw that someone had moved the box which meant that they had noticed it immediately.

I hoped that it looked like someone spilled coffee. Or even if they somehow suspected that they wouldn't know who was the last one in the office. There were 40 of us total. But they could find out by examining the log file since the main door was electronic and our IDs were unique.

Nothing ever came out of that but I was for a while and paranoid that they were looking at me strangely. I guess I'll never found out how they interpreted the strange stain.

quote:

My younger brother and his friend caught me masturbating to cakefarts. I was going through a horny phase of my mid teens and had found the website very recently. Nor am I a lesbian or in any way into fart-play which made the episode the most mortifying experience of my life.

iirc the friend started crying and his dad came to take him home. I cannot even think about it without blushing with shame. If God has a shred of mercy for me he would have wiped from my brother's mind every trace of the memory of seeing his sister masturbating to cakefarts.

--I should elaborate, they were playing 'spies' and had hidden inside my wardrobe without my knowledge (obviously)

# ? Feb 19, 2017 06:42

christmas boots: Oct 15, 2012; To these sing-alongs 🎤of siren 🧜🏻‍♀️songs
To oohs😮 to ahhs😱 to 👏big👏applause👏
With all of my 😡anger I scream🤬 and shout📢
🇺🇸America🦅, I love you 🥰but you're freaking 💦me 😳out; Biscuit Hider

RatHat posted:

90% of the confessions in this thread can be solved by talking to someone about their problems.

TBH, I think you can expand that to just problems in general, really.

# ? Feb 19, 2017 07:14

KomodoWagon: May 10, 2013; by R. Guyovich

fruit on the bottom posted:

TBH, I think you can expand that to just problems in general, really.

How old are you? Serious question

# ? Feb 19, 2017 12:28

WAY TO GO WAMPA!!: Oct 27, 2007

cakefarts lady has a rockin' rear end when she isn't blowing farts out of it

# ? Feb 19, 2017 14:43

H.H: Oct 24, 2006; August is the Cruelest Month

quote:

My best friend is really creepy around women and it's starting to negatively affect me as well. I am thinking about cutting him out of my life but feel really awful about it.

We used to hang out constantly in high school and college and I never really noticed the creepiness back then. But as we've gotten older he really hasn't matured much and he's gotten some really weird and backwards views on women and socialization in general. He always wants to tag along with me when I go drinking, which is awesome since I hate going by myself. But I'll start chatting up a girl who looks single and he'll inevitable mess it up. Either saying something really creepy or trying to hit on her awkwardly while I'm doing the same thing. Several times this has led to a drink being splashed in my face and being accused of trying to get a girl into a MMF threesome.

I got really frustrated over New Year's Eve because he most definitely blew a sure thing for me and I ended up leaving a really cool party completely alone before midnight even happened.

So I started asking him why he does this, and he started lecturing me on stuff like "The Red Pill" and how society is training people to be docile breeders. Then he launches into this whole thing about women only want to sleep with the top 1% of men, while men would sleep with 99% of women, then said there was a "sex economy inbalance" due to feminism.

We haven't hung out much since then and it really bugged me on a deep level, but I still feel awful about losing my oldest and best friend.

quote:

There's an internet meme about "penis inspection day" where people jokingly say they had their penises inspected at school, then people who don't know about the joke are shocked.

From age 15-18 I was forced to have a similar thing, but the school nurse called it Uromisatices Awareness Testing. About once a week I'd be called into the nurse's office, she'd take off my pants and play with my penis, and ultimately masturbate me.

I realize now that it was molestation and rape, but at the time I thought every kid had to do this. I didn't question it, never asked another kid if they went through it. I didn't have a lot of friends and no siblings, so I never really talked that deeply with anyone anyway.

I already talk about this with my therapist a lot. What I don't mention is just how much this has hosed me up sexually. I am basically terrified of women and disgusted by intimacy of any time, even basic hand holding or kissing. If I watch a movie with anything like that I have to fast forward or I get light headed. A girl talked to me at the bookstore and I just mid-sentence walked out the front door and drove home, then cried in the bathtub for a while.

# ? Feb 19, 2017 14:53

Roller Coast Guard: Aug 27, 2006; With this magnificent aircraft,
and my magnificent facial hair,
the British Empire will never fall!

H.H posted:

I still feel awful about losing my oldest and best friend.

Don't.

# ? Feb 19, 2017 14:58

Jose: Jul 24, 2007; Adrian Chiles is a broadcaster and writer

my school nurse was hot iirc i'd have been all for that

# ? Feb 19, 2017 15:03

Police Automaton: Mar 17, 2009; "You are standing in a thread. Someone has made an insightful post."
LOOK AT insightful post
"It's a pretty good post."
HATE post
"I don't understand"
SHIT ON post
"You shit on the post. Why."

they both sound fake af imo

# ? Feb 19, 2017 15:09

Farg: Nov 19, 2013

KomodoWagon posted:

How old are you? Serious question

Too old to sleep in their parents guest room during the holidays, aka 16+

# ? Feb 19, 2017 15:30

Sjs00: Jun 29, 2013; Yeah Baby Yeah !

RatHat posted:

90% of the confessions in this thread can be solved by talking to someone about their problems.

sounds like a lovely anime

# ? Feb 19, 2017 15:59

Cool Dad: Jun 15, 2007; It is always Friday night, motherfuckers

Police Automaton posted:

they both sound fake af imo

We know. We all know that 90% of these are fake. You really don't need to prove how smart you are by calling it out for every confession.

# ? Feb 19, 2017 16:04

H.H: Oct 24, 2006; August is the Cruelest Month

Enola Gay-For-Pay posted:

We know. We all know that 90% of these are fake. You really don't need to prove how smart you are by calling it out for every confession.

A million times this.

We don't need a Kitchner for this thread as well.

# ? Feb 19, 2017 16:49

Police Automaton: Mar 17, 2009; "You are standing in a thread. Someone has made an insightful post."
LOOK AT insightful post
"It's a pretty good post."
HATE post
"I don't understand"
SHIT ON post
"You shit on the post. Why."

# ? Feb 19, 2017 16:56

Rockman Reserve: Oct 2, 2007; "Carbons? Purge? What are you talking about?!"

Motherfucker posted:

God drat dude, see a shrink.

# ? Feb 19, 2017 17:05

Rockman Reserve: Oct 2, 2007; "Carbons? Purge? What are you talking about?!"

Just so you know KW, communication really does solve most of life's problems, unless you're an odious font of unrelenting stupidity. You should work on that second part.

# ? Feb 19, 2017 17:06

Solice Kirsk: Jun 1, 2004; .

KomodoWagon isn't wrong in saying that sometimes talking about an issue makes the situation worse. He is in this instance, obviously, but sometimes it holds true that just not mentioning a problem will make it go away.

# ? Feb 19, 2017 17:10

KomodoWagon: May 10, 2013; by R. Guyovich

food court bailiff posted:

Just so you know KW, communication really does solve most of life's problems, unless you're an odious font of unrelenting stupidity. You should work on that second part.

I don't smell that bad

# ? Feb 19, 2017 17:20

The Management: Jan 2, 2010; sup, bitch?

Creepy friend guy: your friendship is on borrowed time already. Sorry to be the one to break this to you. You are going the "normal" route while your friend is just going to go further into this vortex of garbage thinking until he is completely insufferable.

Make some friends with normal people who aren't sabotaging themselves and get some distance from this guy. And obviously don't ever go with him anywhere where there are women.

# ? Feb 19, 2017 17:40

timp: Sep 19, 2007; Everything is in my control; Lipstick Apathy

The Management posted:

Creepy friend guy: your friendship is on borrowed time already. Sorry to be the one to break this to you. You are going the "normal" route while your friend is just going to go further into this vortex of garbage thinking until he is completely insufferable.

Nah, I think he owes it to his friend to try to talk to him about this first. Sounds like it's been brought up before, but I think something like "dude, I can't even be around you like this anymore, you suck now and I miss when you weren't so hateful." If they're as close as he says they are, there's a chance this guy may listen to reason, or at the very least anon's words may stick with him and resonate with him in the future when he's ready to unfuck his brain.

But yes, I think it's worth trying. What does he have to lose at this point? If he's unwilling to come around, well, at least anon tried and he can move on with peace of mind.

# ? Feb 19, 2017 17:47

Jose: Jul 24, 2007; Adrian Chiles is a broadcaster and writer

your best friend is severely closeted and this is his way of hinting he wants to gently caress you hence the mmf stuff

# ? Feb 19, 2017 17:49

christmas boots: Oct 15, 2012; To these sing-alongs 🎤of siren 🧜🏻‍♀️songs
To oohs😮 to ahhs😱 to 👏big👏applause👏
With all of my 😡anger I scream🤬 and shout📢
🇺🇸America🦅, I love you 🥰but you're freaking 💦me 😳out; Biscuit Hider

KomodoWagon posted:

How old are you? Serious question

Ok, I'll bite. 26.

# ? Feb 19, 2017 17:56

Slugworth: Feb 18, 2001; If two grown men can't make a pervert happy for a few minutes in order to watch a film about zombies, then maybe we should all just move to Iran!

Solice Kirsk posted:

KomodoWagon isn't wrong in saying that sometimes talking about an issue makes the situation worse. He is in this instance, obviously, but sometimes it holds true that just not mentioning a problem will make it go away.

Small problems, absolutely. Otherwise known as 'not real problems'.

# ? Feb 19, 2017 18:27

Voltage: Sep 4, 2004; MALT LIQUOR!

My friend got real into that seduction/redpill nonsense for awhile, and while yes, he did pull in a ton of women by treating them like total dogshit, he also alienated all of his friends by treating them the same way. We eventually got him to stop, intervention style by telling him to not be a major fuckface to everyone, and you can even treat women like normal people and they will still even sleep with you.

Also hes really good looking so he never needed to do that stupid poo poo in the first place.

# ? Feb 19, 2017 18:53

Tolkien minority: Feb 14, 2012

H.H posted:

A girl talked to me at the bookstore and I just mid-sentence walked out the front door and drove home, then cried in the bathtub for a while.

as a professional internet doctor, I diagnose you with the chronic prognosis of "being a goon". I'm so sorry

Tolkien minority fucked around with this message at 18:58 on Feb 19, 2017

# ? Feb 19, 2017 18:56

DRINK ME: Jul 31, 2006; i cant fix avs like this because idk the bbcode - HTML IS BS MAN

Uromysitisis was the excuse in the Seinfeld 'lost in the parking garage' episode. Immersion ruined or school nurse with great referencing?

# ? Feb 19, 2017 20:02

yeah I eat ass: Mar 14, 2005; only people who enjoy my posting can replace this avatar

DRINK ME posted:

Uromysitisis was the excuse in the Seinfeld 'lost in the parking garage' episode. Immersion ruined or school nurse with great referencing?

I would hope they aren't a nurse because they really butchered the spelling of it.

# ? Feb 19, 2017 20:04

H.H: Oct 24, 2006; August is the Cruelest Month

quote:

I live a pretty normal life. I'm a straight white man, age 33. I work from home doing medical transcriptions and make pretty good money.

I also have massive breast implants.

It's a fetish, I enjoy playing with them constantly and get turned on when I do. I like to masturbate and blow my load on them too, which is pretty easy given the size.

I'm lucky to see 3 people in person each year, so this isn't really too big a deal.

quote:

I leave my computer at work turned on when I leave at the end of the day.

For the past 4 or 5 weeks there have been weird files saved to the desktop every few days. Some random excel files with nothing in them, but the ones that prompted this discussion - several word files. I started opening and reading them and believe I am being contacted by a spirit of some sort. Here are the contents of the files in their entirety.

"wotueoierwetyower HELLO FROM @!)( PLEASE SLEEP ALONE TOMORROW NIGHT"
"PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE"
The following file was 30 pages of the letter "f"
"I am contating you at greet risk to myself and to you too. Please do not discount this contact as it is quite painful. I cannot share any more but to know that God, HE or IT, has nothign to do with this."
The following file was the alphabet typed 26 times, double spaced.

This was 2 weeks in and I was convinced the cleaning crew or another IT guy was loving with me. So I wrote a note in word that said "Prove you are real, why do you want me?".

The next day there was a .txt file that said "You are the first part of a massive tower of humanity. In 1985 you would understand but now it is too complex. Wait for the signal. Do not question me again or I will leave, this is a large risk for me."

I was convinced it was a joke and left my webcam running for the next few days. Nobody came by but I still got 2 files. One a massive excel file with 3300 cells filled with random numbers. The other was a word document saying "PRINT THIS AND LEAVE IT ON THE CHAIR."

That was a week ago. I printed the files and left them on the chair. The next day they were gone, nobody on webcam, the chair just moves out of frame once and then the papers are gone. No contact since then.

# ? Feb 20, 2017 07:14

SniperWoreConverse: Mar 20, 2010; Gun Saliva

boobman I also agree that it's not a big deal you've formed your body into an extreme shape specifically for your own sexual gratification and because of this you have no real interpersonal interaction.

# ? Feb 20, 2017 07:46

Streak: May 16, 2004; by Nyc_Tattoo

titgoon could make a lot of money on webcam, just sayin..

# ? Feb 20, 2017 07:57

Doctor Malaver: May 23, 2007; Ce qui s'est pass� t'a rendu plus fort

titgoon, how is seeing 3 people in person each year "a pretty normal life"? Also I hope you have a plan B because your transcription job will be automated soon.

poltergeistgoon, somebody has remote access to your computer and is putting files on it over network :ms:

# ? Feb 20, 2017 08:38

Brinty: Aug 4, 2012

I'm curious how boobgoon got someone to sign off on implants on a 'normal' Cis guy.

# ? Feb 20, 2017 11:55

yeah I eat ass: Mar 14, 2005; only people who enjoy my posting can replace this avatar

Brinty posted:

I'm curious how boobgoon got someone to sign off on implants on a 'normal' Cis guy.

My guess is either mexico/thailand or wherever has more lax rules and regulations. Or he never did.

# ? Feb 20, 2017 12:30

A Strange Aeon: Mar 26, 2010; You are now a slimy little toad; The Great Twist

I like the computer one, especially the line about if it was 1985, they would understand, but things are too complex today. It has something kind of chilling in its tone, which is what makes these things interesting.

# ? Feb 20, 2017 13:27

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# ? May 9, 2024 22:43

H.H: Oct 24, 2006; August is the Cruelest Month

quote:

I live in filth and the stink of decay. In my professional life i am doing ok and i am always smartly dressed while on the clock. But at home its all a big mess. I clean my floors once a year. I cant remember washing my shower or my toilet last year, so probably that never happened. I let trash build up for months before tossing everything out. There is always a fly or two buzzing about in my apartment because there is so much for them to lay their eggs in. I no longer use my frigde because last summer when i went on vacation the power went off and the food simply rotted away in my absence. On that occasion the stink of sewage forced me to clean out the frigde and toroughy scrub with. But it was too late to save the frigde. Even now it smells strongly of sewage when i open the door. I havent been able to muster the energy to get rid of it. I have stopped cooking. Now i subsist mostly on frozen pizza ( i buy one after work every day),soda and candy. I actually really enjoy all kinds of food. But whenever i get home i never have the energy to cook. Since washing up sucks i just use paper plates ( forgetting to ever throw the used ones away).

In the weekends and when i "go" on holiday i tend to stay inside all the time not bothering to dress myself ( so i wont have to wash my clothes).

Appearing sucessful in the eyes of the world and protecting my public dignity is very important to me. But i just dont care about anything when there is no one around to judge me. Things would be different if i lived in my old hometown since i would have relatives coming to visit forcing me to clean my domicile more often. But i dont know anyone where i live now so why clean? Why make an effort when it will please no one? Frankly not having to give single gently caress what other people think about anything outside of the office is big reason for why i moved here.

My landlord would kill me if he knew how bad things are. My apartment used to be nice, now its a shithole.
Haha..i am dying here.. choking on my own waste...lol.

Monkey hate guy posted:

Hi thread,

Saw someone posting about me. I still watch and read the thread. Cat meatball guy is a loving sicko, but then again I'm driven to "a dark place" by monkies. Still makes me laugh.

Haven't done anything more with my buddy across the border. Little dangerous for a gringo like me in TJ these days. Thanks Trump. We tried getting another monkey. Actually he had an idea he read about online where this guy had a rabbit problem so he caught the pair, bought a big unfixed rabbit from the store and made the rabbit watch its mate get bred. A little much for me, I just want to beat the things to death. gently caress the little ones, marmosets. Little loving grabby hands.

Poor Baby Moneky videos are still my main fix. Relaxing after a day of stress. Supposedly it "gives me an outlet for helpless feelings we have in modern life." I'm pretty sure I just loving hate monkies. Wife didn't like the videos. It's okay. Played it off as a gross out video.

Having another child soon. Glad I didn't trigger off our first child. Guess it's just the flailing little treefuckers. All of them, we should just beat them all to death. I wonder if we did the same with the Neanderthals and this deep rage is some caveman poo poo.

Like I said before, we're out there. Monkey hate is a time honored human pasttime. Look at Faces of Death. Just hammer the fucker. There's a poster with a "I lust for monkey death." It's my favorite Av. Someday we will be validated. gently caress curious george, he's a goddam chimp. He'd eat the face off the Yellow Hat man in a second. Harambe got what he deserved. One day soon Koko is gonna eat it and I hope her cat eats her face.

# ? Feb 20, 2017 15:50

The Something Awful Forums > Main > General Bullshit > Anonymous Confessions: I had an extremely weird dream that's going to become relevant

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