|
Rutibex posted:what would a skeleton even rape you with most animals actually have dick bones
|
#
?
Feb 22, 2017 04:21
|
|
|
|
| # ? May 11, 2024 20:22 |
|
|
Ok so I've detected a group of dwarves moving through the woods by my tower. So far they solved my hedge maze riddle, crossed my sorrowful swamp and iced the trolls I had hunting for them. I'm honestly bored up here and I'm thinking to just head down there and mix it up with them myself... what should I do? Werewolf Potion? Demonic Possession? I have a genie's lamp I can probably get some sick spells out of but honestly I kinda want to just hulk out, maybe do the bone dragon thing. What's your favorite way to get up close & personal?
|
|
#
?
Feb 22, 2017 04:26
|
|
|
Bust Rodd posted:Ok so I've detected a group of dwarves moving through the woods by my tower. So far they solved my hedge maze riddle, crossed my sorrowful swamp and iced the trolls I had hunting for them. summon a giant robot they never expect a giant robot
|
|
#
?
Feb 22, 2017 04:30
|
|
|
im a wizrd
|
|
#
?
Feb 22, 2017 04:50
|
|
|
Wyld Stallyns
|
|
#
?
Feb 22, 2017 04:51
|
|
|
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=X_DVS_303kQ
|
|
#
?
Feb 22, 2017 04:51
|
|
|
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=v3H3lKt5_BM
|
|
#
?
Feb 22, 2017 05:08
|
|
|
Anyone got a s. spell for summoning dirty schoolgirl pantys? Its for a friend...
|
|
#
?
Feb 22, 2017 05:35
|
|
|
JiveHonky posted:Anyone got a s. spell for summoning dirty schoolgirl pantys? Its for a friend... if you can find a copy of the pervert's primer, there should be a spell for that in there. they're pretty expensive though because most of them got bought up by japanese collectors in the 80s. btw, i know it's not for a friend. i cast a divination spell on you, buddy.
|
|
#
?
Feb 22, 2017 07:54
|
|
|
GRILLARY CLINTON posted:if you can find a copy of the pervert's primer, there should be a spell for that in there. they're pretty expensive though because most of them got bought up by japanese collectors in the 80s. it's for an enemy isn't it
|
|
#
?
Feb 22, 2017 12:52
|
|
|
Hi everyone! Your friendly neighbourhood paladin here, just wanted to let you know that we're having our fundraiser this year, and let me tell you, you do NOT want to miss out! We're offering some wonderful rewards this year, up to and including indulgences and amnesty for minor crimes against the kingdom. Just visit our website to donate. Also, we're looking for someone to talk to the little ones about the dangers of underage blood pacts. We have some ancient Babylonian spell manuals on hand to give to anyone interested.
|
|
#
?
Feb 22, 2017 19:38
|
|
|
vcvcvc12 posted:Hi everyone! Your friendly neighbourhood paladin here, just wanted to let you know that we're having our fundraiser this year, and let me tell you, you do NOT want to miss out! We're offering some wonderful rewards this year, up to and including indulgences and amnesty for minor crimes against the kingdom. Just visit our website to donate. I have enough ancient Babylonian spell manuals, you can hardly stop at the skeleton crossing without some low level lich trying to sell you one. If you have anything bound in human flesh and inked in blood though, I'd be down to come talk to the kids, what is your policy on turning children into servitor skeletons though?
|
|
#
?
Feb 22, 2017 19:41
|
|
|
Lunixnerd posted:I have enough ancient Babylonian spell manuals, you can hardly stop at the skeleton crossing without some low level lich trying to sell you one. If you have anything bound in human flesh and inked in blood though, I'd be down to come talk to the kids, what is your policy on turning children into servitor skeletons though? Unfortunately we can't offer anything like that here. That said, if you're an experienced necromancer we do have a job for you; one of our hallowed crypts has been taken over by a skeletal wyrm of frankly unreasonable size. Its breath causes instant necrosis and none of our people can deal with it. If you could remove it, we have some works penned in the blood of a greater daemon, and I've been told a skeletal wyrm is kind of a reward in itself. For more details please see our Help Wanted page.
|
|
#
?
Feb 22, 2017 20:05
|
|
|
dont listen to this guy, paladins never pay up after you do their "quests". smells like a trap
|
|
#
?
Feb 22, 2017 20:11
|
|
|
The only contract you should ever sign and believe in is one signed in both participant's blood as well as read over by a demon lawyer. (If you don't have one on hold you're a moron hope that helps) if either breaks it they get eternally damned and of course you already are so it's no risk.
|
|
#
?
Feb 22, 2017 20:50
|
|
|
Don't trust a demon lawyer. Contact a devil for all your legal needs, today.
|
|
#
?
Feb 22, 2017 22:30
|
|
|
I personally contract out to ghost lawyers. They tend to be more transparent.
|
|
#
?
Feb 22, 2017 22:47
|
|
|
everyone knows Modrons make the best lawyers. only hire a devil if you like paying extra hidden fees
|
|
#
?
Feb 22, 2017 23:06
|
|
|
Look it sounds like a great idea but then when you go to do so the fuckers have made the contract so secure you can't even make yourself want to actually break it. Don't trust a neutral lawful people. E: I mean the whole point of making a contract is to trick people into doing stuff for you while you then refuse to pay them. Evil 101 people.
|
|
#
?
Feb 22, 2017 23:08
|
|
|
One of my basement skeletons is a lawyer. I have a notary public down there too, comes in handy (I pay them meat)
|
|
#
?
Feb 23, 2017 07:33
|
|
|
Actually last time I went to the DMV it took so long I skeletonized the whole place, never have to wait in line again now
|
|
#
?
Feb 23, 2017 07:34
|
|
|
Sorry it took me so long to respond, I've been regenerating from my latest loving death. Look you loving newbie liches. Oh motherfucker. Look, you take what the gently caress you want. Who gives a rat's rear end how long it takes for you to come back? You got more time then all of them combined. It's the perks of the job eh? You dumb...... *Growls*
|
|
#
?
Feb 23, 2017 07:37
|
|
|
Turning 112 is a big deal to the department of motor vehicles apparently as they wanted me to take a vision test and of course I had replaced an eye with the Gem of Gorgoth (for tax purposes). They wanted to argue with me about "depth perception" and I was like "I see see through both space and time and up to 4 alternate dimensions, I can see accidents coming up to 3 days in advance and avoid them I'm pretty sure I can drive a Prius hybrid to Home Depot"
|
|
#
?
Feb 23, 2017 07:38
|
|
|
The demilich who I lease my 2nd lair too has trashed the place. Like all the traps have been set off, there's blood and vomit everywhere and I'm pretty sure I saw some severed limbs that I didn't have. Now it CLAIMS that my security features failed and a pile of its treasures got stolen by adventurers and I now owe it compo; but I bet the fucker just had a big party and has had its friends take the loot to scam me. What can I do?
|
|
#
?
Feb 23, 2017 07:41
|
|
|
naem posted:Turning 112 is a big deal to the department of motor vehicles apparently as they wanted me to take a vision test and of course I had replaced an eye with the Gem of Gorgoth (for tax purposes). They wanted to argue with me about "depth perception" and I was like "I see see through both space and time and up to 4 alternate dimensions, I can see accidents coming up to 3 days in advance and avoid them I'm pretty sure I can drive a Prius hybrid to Home Depot" So you loving lie to them you rear end in a top hat. How the gently caress did you perform the rites of resurrection and not already understand this? Jesus Christ, it's like trying to explain how to make sauce to my nieces. Just loving answer what the gently caress they want you to say. You can cast a loving divination spell, I've seen you do it. Madon!
|
|
#
?
Feb 23, 2017 07:44
|
|
|
Gridlocked posted:The demilich who I lease my 2nd lair too has trashed the place. Like all the traps have been set off, there's blood and vomit everywhere and I'm pretty sure I saw some severed limbs that I didn't have. Now it CLAIMS that my security features failed and a pile of its treasures got stolen by adventurers and I now owe it compo; but I bet the fucker just had a big party and has had its friends take the loot to scam me. I didn't pay money to help you out you dumb gently caress. gently caress you, pay me.
|
|
#
?
Feb 23, 2017 07:46
|
|
|
VendaGoat posted:So you loving lie to them you rear end in a top hat. How the gently caress did you perform the rites of resurrection and not already understand this? Eh I failed a charisma check (happens to us all)
|
|
#
?
Feb 23, 2017 08:05
|
|
|
naem posted:Eh I failed a charisma check (happens to us all) You forgetting to cast polymorph self is my loving fault? Ehhhh gently caress you! Just for that loving incompetence you owe me 2 more loving points for this month. On top of which, you owe me since this is the first time I've been hearing about this poo poo.
|
|
#
?
Feb 23, 2017 08:09
|
|
|
VendaGoat posted:I didn't pay money to help you out you dumb gently caress. gently caress you, you cut rate boneraiser.
|
|
#
?
Feb 23, 2017 08:16
|
|
|
Gridlocked posted:gently caress you, you cut rate boneraiser. I ain't talking to you you half rate loving ghast. I'm talking to my friend naem. You wanna discuss business with me you request a sit down. Otherwise, I'll be in my phylactery.
|
|
#
?
Feb 23, 2017 08:18
|
|
|
VendaGoat posted:You forgetting to cast polymorph self is my loving fault? Ehhhh gently caress you! Yeah yeah I'll have that shipment of skeletons over by Thursday. You know I am (technically) still human so it is nice to go walk among them occasionally. Not sure why I chose the DMV
|
|
#
?
Feb 23, 2017 08:23
|
|
|
naem posted:Yeah yeah I'll have that shipment of skeletons over by Thursday. Ehhh Oooooo. Then what the gently caress are we arguing about? I got some nice wine here and a great plate of cheese. Saluta a tutti, bere!
|
|
#
?
Feb 23, 2017 08:26
|
|
|
i am creating homunculi clones to attempt to breed eternal magical perfect warriors. it's failed so far. also, got a call in with some green guy on another planet, our portal plan is coming together, so fellow evil wizards you got that to look forward to.
|
|
#
?
Feb 23, 2017 08:33
|
|
|
Instead of driving, I like to take shortcuts through Hell. The spacial topology is somehow both infinite and super condensed compared to ours, so stepping in, walking a few feet, and stepping out has been a great replacement for teleportation ever since the Teleportation Restriction Act of 1387. Stupid Lawful Evil wizards, just because teleportation overuse risks undoing the very fabric of space-time doesn't mean we shouldn't use it! We're evil! Aren't half of us trying to unleash an eldritch horror that will do that anyway? Ugh. The only downside to walking through Hell are needing to kill 6 billion demons every time I do. I mostly use charm spells to get them to fight one another at this point.
|
|
#
?
Feb 23, 2017 16:27
|
|
|
jon joe posted:just because teleportation overuse risks undoing the very fabric of space-time doesn't mean we shouldn't use it! We're evil! Aren't half of us trying to unleash an eldritch horror that will do that anyway? Ugh. Do you know what eldritch horror does to property values?
|
|
#
?
Feb 23, 2017 16:39
|
|
|
Automatic Slim posted:Do you know what eldritch horror does to property values? And we're back to the argument about becoming Lawful Neutral hedge fund wizards, again.
|
|
#
?
Feb 23, 2017 17:26
|
|
|
"Hey, build that express way ramp over MY home, not the orphanage across town. Hey, let me break down the fabric of existence in my hold not the Paladin's in the next Resale values are poo poo when potential buyers are weirded out by non-Euclidean geometry. Automatic Slim fucked around with this message at 17:44 on Feb 23, 2017 |
|
#
?
Feb 23, 2017 17:38
|
|
|
Bust Rodd posted:Ok so I've detected a group of dwarves moving through the woods by my tower. So far they solved my hedge maze riddle, crossed my sorrowful swamp and iced the trolls I had hunting for them. Don't know anything about your combat advice, but if you really want to throw dwarves for a loop, here's a Thaumaturgy for Assholes trick I picked up in college: set up some drinks for them. Suspicious or not, the stubby pricks will chug them anyway since booze is booze and they're basically immune to any poison. Now, beforehand, fortify the drinks with some extra alcohol that's been mixed with a tiny amount of wood ash, ground charcoal, or powdered iron, and make sure you keep a few drams of the mixture back in your possession. About 10-15 minutes after consumption, re-bind your reserved alcohol to the stuff in their systems, and then neutralize the alcohol. I use an alchemical counter-reagent, but I guess classically trained wizards would use some basic Transmutation and save time. Long story short, the dwarves should be completely flash-sobered, which, depending on how much they already had in their systems, will range from extreme hangovers to mild states of physical shock. Then I guess you could go beat them up easier. Most of you probably got the basics of Thaumaturgy during transmutation lessons (or some teaching methods of hexing, apparently, in the south), but if not, just find any journeyman-level thatumaturgical incunabulum for the process. Also, no, this binding doesn't you change it into poison, that would require a different setup that I never learned because I'm not a murderous rear end in a top hat. You could, however, go the other way and retroactively boost the alcohol. One of my buddies accidentally hospitalized a few elves after pulling that stunt with their wine.
|
|
#
?
Feb 23, 2017 18:35
|
|
|
poverty goat posted:most animals actually have dick bones they'll actually take you to the bone-zone
|
|
#
?
Feb 23, 2017 19:16
|
|
|
|
| # ? May 11, 2024 20:22 |
|
|
Way too much effort for dwarves. Just have a your golems squash them like any other uninvited guests. Also, does anybody have advice on getting vampires not to bite during orgies? They definitely know how to party otherwise, but always end up bringing out the fangs when they've been warned not to.
|
|
#
?
Feb 23, 2017 19:59
|
|
