|
I was lifeguarding at an apartment complex pool 10 years ago. Woman is bobbing in the pool holding her 6-7 year old son in her arms. The boy looks me right in the eyes and says "Hey lifeguard, wanna see some goodies?" and yanks her bathing suit top down, revealing her goodies.
|
#
?
Feb 6, 2017 06:02
|
|
|
|
| # ? May 17, 2024 15:16 |
|
|
God Hole posted:I was lifeguarding at an apartment complex pool 10 years ago. Woman is bobbing in the pool holding her 6-7 year old son in her arms. The boy looks me right in the eyes and says Well, he kept his promise 
|
|
#
?
Feb 6, 2017 10:30
|
|
|
God Hole posted:I was lifeguarding at an apartment complex pool 10 years ago. Woman is bobbing in the pool holding her 6-7 year old son in her arms. The boy looks me right in the eyes and says LMFAO
|
|
#
?
Feb 10, 2017 13:02
|
|
|
via Facebook: Mom: Emmy, you need to listen to daddy. Emmy: I can't because he's making me stupid!
|
|
#
?
Feb 13, 2017 00:53
|
|
|
RIHANNA: "Hey, Fleta! I got a boyfriend from another nation." ME: "Really?" RIHANNA: "Yeah, my imagiNATION!!!!!" *runs away* fake edit: It's a meme or something, she sent me a picture after she said it in person. Still.
|
|
#
?
Feb 14, 2017 03:49
|
|
|
A friend of mine has a 3 year old daughter. At daycare they had a Valentine's party. One boy gave his whole box to the girl. The teacher tried to correct him that he was supposed to pass one out to everybody he was adamant that only she deserved his cards. 
|
|
#
?
Feb 14, 2017 11:21
|
|
|
Fleta Mcgurn posted:RIHANNA: "Hey, Fleta! I got a boyfriend from another nation." You should've asked her how big his boobs are.
|
|
#
?
Feb 14, 2017 13:39
|
|
|
Choco1980 posted:One boy gave his whole box to the girl. I'm sure she'll be returning the favor in high school
|
|
#
?
Feb 14, 2017 14:53
|
|
|
ladron posted:I'm sure she'll be returning the favor in high school 
|
|
#
?
Feb 14, 2017 18:20
|
|
|
There's a joke in "Bad Moms" where they say, at a bake sale, "No GMO, no BMT, no gluten, no peanuts, no store bought, etc..." My eldest daughter said, "So just bring a fricken watermelon." My wife thought it was the best thing ever.
|
|
#
?
Feb 15, 2017 04:58
|
|
|
mostlygray posted:There's a joke in "Bad Moms" where they say, at a bake sale, "No GMO, no BMT, no gluten, no peanuts, no store bought, etc..." I'm sorry, your daughter either doesn't understand baking or is making melon-bongs.
|
|
#
?
Feb 15, 2017 12:27
|
|
|
I think the seniors are ready to graduate: YESTERDAY: ME: "Has anyone heard from Tom (classmate in the hospital)? Is he okay?" EVAN: "His rear end hurts." AMBER: "They put something in his rear end in a top hat." EVAN: "Yeah, uh..." *mimes a long tube* ME: "Oh, with a camera?" AMBER: "Yeah!" So I taught them the word "colonoscopy". TODAY: ME: "Any news about Tom?" EVAN: "His rear end still hurts." JIM: "No! He said it feels so good." ME: "Really?" JIM: "Yeah, he liked it so much. Now he's gay. Because he loves this feeling." ME: "That's not how you make someone gay. You can't MAKE someone gay." JIM: "But Tom is stupid, so different rules." I ended the conversation there.
|
|
#
?
Feb 24, 2017 04:03
|
|
|
I loving love your stories. They never disappoint.
|
|
#
?
Feb 24, 2017 06:36
|
|
|
FreudianSlippers posted:Kid A: You aren't allowed to eat people. ...Who were they responding to?
|
|
#
?
Feb 24, 2017 17:01
|
|
|
Jonathan Swift's A Modest Proposal.
|
|
#
?
Feb 24, 2017 17:06
|
|
|
JustAurora posted:Jonathan Swift's A Modest Proposal.
|
|
#
?
Feb 24, 2017 17:34
|
|
|
Fleta Mcgurn posted:But Tom is stupid, so different rules. Solid reasoning skills on display here.
|
|
#
?
Feb 24, 2017 18:04
|
|
|
Watching TV with my nephews: Elias: *shaking head wildly* Me: Stop, why are you doing that? Elias: I'm beating my head against your arm! *makes pirate face* my arm was done, after that theres no comeback
|
|
#
?
Feb 25, 2017 04:00
|
|
|
Fun with freshmen: LEO: Hey, Fleta, look! (His friend McCree is hugging him from behind.) This is gay. ME: Well, enjoy it. LEO: But I'm not gay! MCCREE: Come on, baby! Let's go together. *Leo punches McCree* ME: Where do you like to sleep? EASON: Toilet! JESSICA: I like to sleep on the subway. ME: Why? JESSICA: Quiet. More quiet than my house! LUCKY: Me, too. It's very comfortable. JESSICA: Let's go there now. LUCKY: Okay. ME: David, is your dictionary broken? (Note: they all have electronic dictionaries.) DAVID: No, it has no electricity. LUCKY: Here you go *holds out two AAA batteries to David* DAVID: Wow! Oh, my god! I LOVE YOU!!! *starts to put the batteries in his dictionary* LUCKY: *with a very big grin* They are not working! DAVID: WHAT THE HELL!? I HATE YOU!!!!!!!! *bangs his face into the desk* Fun with sophomores: Today Rihanna wrote the word "mud pee" on a piece of paper and said, "Hey, look at this!" Then I stupidly read it aloud...turns out it's a swear word in Chinese. She had a good cackle over that. (after being told the difference between "-philic" and "-phobic") RIHANNA: I'M AN ADELE-PHILIC!!!!! TOM: Fleta, remember George? ME: Yeah. TOM: He went to Australia. ME: Cool. How's he doing? TOM: I don't know, but he can play Pokemon Go. (Everyone sighs with longing and suppressed rage.)
|
|
#
?
Feb 28, 2017 06:25
|
|
|
Second period of biology. Time to talk about meiosis! Ohhhh god. I showed them a picture of a sperm penetrating an egg. ME: *pointing* The sperm-- RIHANNA: What's it called? ME: Sperm. RIHANNA: S-P-E-R-M? ME: That's right. RIHANNA: Oh, I know it. *everybody laughs* RIHANNA: NO! NO I DON'T KNOW IT!!!!!!!!!! *everybody laughs* ME: Okay, so-- RIHANNA: I just saw it before. ME: Okay, great. So-- RIHANNA: IN A CUP!!!! I cracked up. RIHANNA: IN YOUR COFFEE CUP! ME: Please don't ever give me coffee. ME: In sexual reproduction, how many organisms do we need? KYLE: Two. FRANK: Three. TOM: Five!!! ME: You watch too much TV. JAYDEN: No, he watches too much AV. *everybody dies* RIHANNA: I don't need AV because I have a good imagination. ME: Yes, you do. RIHANNA: I'm imagining you naked right now. ME: Please imagine me thinner. RIHANNA: No! Jeez, help a sister out.  e: I forgot to add, apparently the pictures I used for telophase looked like a butt. Telophase is now "buttphase." More than one of them assured me that they don't mean butterface, because THAT is apparently one of the only terms they all remember from my class last year. e e: Also Rihanna was singing "Sex With Me" by, well, Rihanna. By singing, I mean she was just saying the lyrics like they were perfectly normal things to say to your Biology teacher. e e e: Also remembered: Tom sang a song, the lyrics of which were, "I don't watch AV, I am pure." I was trying to teach about ATP and showed them what it stood for (adenine triphosphate.) Upon seeing the word, Rihanna said, "What the gently caress is that?" Literally the next slide said, "WTF is that?" I congratulated her on her psychic abilities and she put her jacket over her head and moaned weirdly. Like a psychic does? Fleta Mcgurn has a new favorite as of 09:51 on Feb 28, 2017 |
|
#
?
Feb 28, 2017 08:02
|
|
|
I swear to god, Rihanna is one of like, my top five people in the whole world...
|
|
#
?
Mar 1, 2017 20:50
|
|
|
Here's a few things I found online. quote:My 8-yr-old son had a folded up note in his drawer that said 'My future' on the outside. On the inside there was a line down the middle. One side: 'CIA' Other side: 'Janitor'. quote:I do not know why, but my 8 year old has taped a mustard packet to his door and labelled it 'Top Secret' quote:When my son was around 6, I was cleaning his room, and came upon a very big ball of thread, inside of a sock, intermingled with Cheetos. I unraveled it, and discovered he had tied the Cheetos at intervals along the thread, creating a kind of Cheeto garland. I asked him about it, and he said he was going to try and eat them, one at a time, and then poop the string out, and floss himself. Flawless logic. quote:Overall my kid is pretty normal. He's 7, and a month ago I found an envelope with the words 'top secret' written on it hidden under his mattress. I opened it and he had written all over a piece of paper 'my favorite color is PINK' over and over. His favorite color has been green since he's been 2. (Or so I thought.) We talked to him about it and he was afraid he'd be teased for liking pink. (We've just moved to a new area and adjusting to the new school has been difficult.) We talked to him about it and he now has a few pink shirts and we're looking to see if we can find pink toys that aren't girls toys. (He wants superheroes, soldiers and legos,...but pink. It's harder than you think.) quote:I once found 32 juice box straws in my sons room. He was 3 at the time, and had gone through the entire case of juice boxes, pulled the straws off and hid them so his sister (who was 4) couldn't drink them. He knew how to poke a hole in the top and suck it out, and she couldn't. If his plan had worked they would have all been his.
|
|
#
?
Mar 2, 2017 02:39
|
|
|
trickybiscuits posted:Here's a few things I found online. All of these made me smile. I feel bad for the kid who can't find pink toys, though. Facebook reminded me that this happened a year ago: Yes, that's a pillow with my face on it. And Rihanna behind the pillow. And I'm not the only teacher she pillow-fied that day. (Edit: My hair doesn't usually look that bad. That picture was taken right after I had crossed the HK/Shenzhen border on foot during one of the most humid days of my life, got lost, got into a fight with two beggars, and jumped over a bush and rolled down a hill. Don't ask.)
|
|
#
?
Mar 2, 2017 05:05
|
|
|
Fleta Mcgurn posted:All of these made me smile. I feel bad for the kid who can't find pink toys, though. I have to echo Choco1980. Rihanna is the best.
|
|
#
?
Mar 2, 2017 05:16
|
|
|
ME: "Why are there never any markers in your classroom?" AMBER: "Because we're poor." JIM: "Because you're a porn."  I'm sorry for posting so much. They've been very quotable this week. e: okay okay but seriously: AMBER: "Fleta, I'm not gonna be here tomorrow. I have to get a little surgery." ME: "Is everything okay?" AMBER: "Maybe I'm gonna get a....fake dick." ME: "...." AMBER: "I can show you." ME: "Okay." AMBER: "Maybe I can make my girlfriend feel high." ME: "I hope so." Fleta Mcgurn has a new favorite as of 08:47 on Mar 2, 2017 |
|
#
?
Mar 2, 2017 08:24
|
|
|
Fleta Mcgurn posted:I'm sorry for posting so much. They've been very quotable this week. I think that I speak for everyone when I say that we don't mind at all
|
|
#
?
Mar 2, 2017 09:01
|
|
|
You don't look like Tina Fey, I feel cheated But seriously though: ladron posted:I think that I speak for everyone when I say that we don't mind at all
|
|
#
?
Mar 2, 2017 09:30
|
|
|
CommissarMega posted:You don't look like Tina Fey, I feel cheated There is a slight resemblance, but no, not really. We are both half-Greeks who took a long time to grow into our looks (well, relatively speaking on my case). ME: "Rihanna, it's time to do your homework." RIHANNA: "Ooooh, who is homework? I will DO THEM!" RIHANNA: "I have a flexible finger." *wink* RIHANNA: 'Frank is lying!" FRANK: "What? No, I'm not." RIHANNA: "Yes! Frank is not frank!" FRANK:  "Frank" doesn't quite mean "honest," but I'll let her have it because she was so proud of herself.
|
|
#
?
Mar 2, 2017 12:29
|
|
|
Fleta Mcgurn posted:"Frank" doesn't quite mean "honest," but I'll let her have it because she was so proud of herself. It's close enough that it totally counts.
|
|
#
?
Mar 2, 2017 15:34
|
|
|
Fleta Mcgurn posted:There is a slight resemblance, but no, not really. We are both half-Greeks who took a long time to grow into our looks (well, relatively speaking on my case). My first thought when seeing the pillow was "oh, so she's basically a blonde Tina Fey, that's cool". Also I thought, "Nah, that hair's fine. A messy, bed head look is neat...wait...oh...okay, that's a hosed up day...drat". I have a nephew who's getting close to saying stuff that'll be good for this thread, he's had some speech issues but he's been going to classes and making progress. Currently though he tends to scream for help when he disagrees with whatever's going on, like when we leave the park or it's bedtime. So far this hasn't caused any problems, but it will if it doesn't stop soon I think.
|
|
#
?
Mar 2, 2017 17:11
|
|
|
Swiped from Facebook:quote:On line at the market, small person says, "That lady has blue hair!"
|
|
#
?
Mar 2, 2017 17:48
|
|
|
my 3 year old lost the run of himself because I let him wear dinosaur pajamas after creche and now he thinks he owns the place. I asked him to draw dinosaurs instead of roaring at me and the dog (sorry for the snapchat caption)
|
|
#
?
Mar 2, 2017 19:36
|
|
|
Dinosaur jammies are incredibly dangerous.  Required reading for this thread: http://hyperboleandahalf.blogspot.ca/2013/10/menace.html
|
|
#
?
Mar 2, 2017 20:29
|
|
|
Fleta Mcgurn posted:stuff how old are you kids anyhow? From what you say, I was picturing like high school junior/seniors, like maybe 17, 18, but either that is a giant giant pillow or Rhianna is like 140cm or I guess maybe both?
|
|
#
?
Mar 2, 2017 20:50
|
|
|
Fleta Mcgurn posted:
Don't ask. Don't ask. Don't ask. ... but I wanna 
|
|
#
?
Mar 2, 2017 20:57
|
|
|
Madra De Dhia posted:my 3 year old lost the run of himself because I let him wear dinosaur pajamas after creche and now he thinks he owns the place. I asked him to draw dinosaurs instead of roaring at me and the dog (sorry for the snapchat caption) Baby's first vore art.
|
|
#
?
Mar 2, 2017 20:58
|
|
|
Madra De Dhia posted:my 3 year old lost the run of himself because I let him wear dinosaur pajamas after creche and now he thinks he owns the place. I asked him to draw dinosaurs instead of roaring at me and the dog (sorry for the snapchat caption) I'm literally dying right now. I love the stern expression on his face. You got punished but good. ladron posted:how old are you kids anyhow? From what you say, I was picturing like high school junior/seniors, like maybe 17, 18, but either that is a giant giant pillow or Rhianna is like 140cm or I guess maybe both? No, you're right. The pillow is...I dunno, not particularly big. I'm 163 cm and Rihanna's shorter than I am, but I'm not sure by how much. Frank, on the other hand, is two meters tall. Luckily he is also very sweet or I might find him intimidating. I also try to transcribe their speech patterns and, since a lot of them are pretty low-level speakers, it might sound a bit more childlike. Bud K ninja sword posted:Don't ask. Short version, because the real version involves a reenactment: Boss asked me to let his friend escort me across the border on my way in and out. I (rightly) guessed this was for guangxi/money purposes, so I allowed myself to be herded, despite the fact that I had lived in HK before and didn't want or need any help. Guy was annoying in a very eager, sweaty way, so when he didn't show up to the meeting to go back to Shenzhen, I said "oh no i can't get ahold of that guy oh gee oh gosh" and just went ahead. It was extremely hot and insanely humid. Like water dripping off the walls humid. There were approximately sixty kajillion people also crossing the border and it took forever. When I finally got to the main Shenzhen station for the border crossing (forgot the name), I needed a minute to collect myself because I was so hot and cranky. Stepped outside to get some air and was immediately set upon by two women begging. I couldn't get away my them and after a few minutes, they each grabbed one of my hands and started shouting at me. Luckily, one of them was also carrying a baby, so I muscled myself away easily and started running as best I could with my little carryon suitcase. Threw my suitcase over a bush and jumped after it, figuring at least the one with the baby wouldn't follow. I didn't realize there was a slope, so i slipped when I landed and ended up rolling/sliding down into the parking lot below (for like two seconds), where a young woman looked at me with a totally neutral expression on her face and said, "Airport taxi one hundred and fifty yuan." Bargain at that point, and I took it. I took the picture after I had checked in and had a few drinks. Then Rihanna asked for a picture of me and I sent it to her as a deterrent, never realizing what her ultimate plan was.
|
|
#
?
Mar 3, 2017 01:19
|
|
|
Fleta Mcgurn posted:
 These are the things we always cherish though. thanks for sharing 
|
|
#
?
Mar 3, 2017 01:43
|
|
|
The sophomores (well, I guess they're technically juniors, but because they're in their second year of high school I always think of them as sophomores) have one period designated as a Biology and Technology class. This week, I chose Soylent as our topic. We watched a short documentary about Soylent (they had a worksheet to partially complete; the other half was analytical and designated as homework) and then I asked them a few comprehension check questions. They passed, so I asked, "Do you want to drink Soylent?" "NO!" I've never seen them so unified. And then I took the pitcher of Soylent from under the desk. EVERYONE:  Rihanna was, bless her, the first to volunteer. About half the kids liked it; everyone else was neutral. Three girls spit it out dramatically, but the reviews were mostly good. Some of the frattier boys asked to use their phones so they could order some off Taobao; they wanted to try the "coffee" variant. Then, as is their wont, they asked me what other teachers had tried it. I had to admit that no one else was willing. RIHANNA: "Does it come in other flavors?" ME: "I think so." RIHANNA: "Does it have fart flavor?" ME: "I doubt it." RIHANNA: "Yeah, well, I'm gonna give fart flavor Soylent to [Principal]."
|
|
#
?
Mar 3, 2017 09:16
|
|
|
|
| # ? May 17, 2024 15:16 |
|
|
Fleta Mcgurn posted:The sophomores (well, I guess they're technically juniors, but because they're in their second year of high school I always think of them as sophomores) Fleta Mcgurn posted:RIHANNA: "Does it come in other flavors?" you tell that tiny honey I will make as much fart flavor as she can handle, by god. FOR AMERICA!!! EDIT - hey man, it sucks to have to say this, but you might want to take out your picture (and ask flos.. to do it too)specifically because of poo poo in that other thread..... (I said you had giant boobs sorry) ladron has a new favorite as of 14:12 on Mar 3, 2017 |
|
#
?
Mar 3, 2017 12:47
|
|