Anonymous Confessions: I had an extremely weird dream that's going to become relevant

The Something Awful Forums > Main > General Bullshit > Anonymous Confessions: I had an extremely weird dream that's going to become relevant

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KomodoWagon: May 10, 2013; by R. Guyovich

Most houses in what we consider "the First World" have these things called "light switches" which

# ? Mar 6, 2017 19:35

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# ? May 25, 2024 19:35

Fitzy Fitz: May 14, 2005

Who pisses in pitch black?

# ? Mar 6, 2017 19:37

yeah I eat ass: Mar 14, 2005; only people who enjoy my posting can replace this avatar

You never wake up in the middle of the night and don't want to gently caress up your eyes by blasting them with light right before trying to get back to sleep?

# ? Mar 6, 2017 19:42

Fitzy Fitz: May 14, 2005

Oh I just sit down with the dimmed light on. My eyes are closed through most of it and sometimes I fall asleep for a second while I'm in there. I find that not standing is helpful for me staying half asleep.

Really, my night pissing is a pretty impressive routine.

# ? Mar 6, 2017 19:47

KomodoWagon: May 10, 2013; by R. Guyovich

No, I go before going to bed. Like an adult.

# ? Mar 6, 2017 19:47

yeah I eat ass: Mar 14, 2005; only people who enjoy my posting can replace this avatar

KomodoWagon posted:

No, I go before going to bed. Like an adult.

I'd be insulted if it weren't you, KomodoWagon, saying this at me.

Like this rear end in a top hat never drank a pot of coffee before bed and had to get up a few times throughout the night before. What an Adult.

# ? Mar 6, 2017 19:49

Rockman Reserve: Oct 2, 2007; "Carbons? Purge? What are you talking about?!"

loquacius posted:

This sounded too easy but come to think of it probably a lot of people really are that cavalier with their Internet security because it's extremely unlikely that anyone cares enough to gently caress with them

I don't believe it's true but I want it to be. It's the most heartwarming tale of violating the CFAA I've ever read.

# ? Mar 6, 2017 19:50

Gynovore: Jun 17, 2009; Forget your RoboCoX or your StickyCoX or your EvilCoX, MY CoX has Blinking Bewbs!

WHY IS THIS GAME DEAD?!

Fakey McFake posted:

I typed in her login, then tried to guess her password. I didn't know what it was, but then the website gave me that "answer the secret question" thing to reset the password. The dumb bitch had used a question so ridiculously obvious, almost anyone who had spoken to her for a few minutes could have probably guessed it.

About a week later, curiosity got the better of me so I went back to the mall and logged into her email again. There were new emails that had been read and replied to, so it looked like she was none the wiser that anyone other than her had been in there.

BZZZZT, here's your consolation prize, thanks for playing,

# ? Mar 6, 2017 22:02

therattle: Jul 24, 2007; Soiled Meat

I don't turn the light on when doing night-piss so I sit on the toilet to ensure aim. I keep it dark so that I can get back to sleep more easily without having been disturbed by a bright light, and do that my wife doesn't get disturbed by light either.

# ? Mar 6, 2017 22:04

loquacius: Oct 21, 2008

Gynovore posted:

BZZZZT, here's your consolation prize, thanks for playing,

There was a part where she addressed that

quote:

Anyway, I scrolled through her inbox and saw a few emails from online shopping sites she'd signed up for that all had "Your login is x, your password is y" sort of contents and the password was always the same. So I reset the password again, and changed it back from the random one to the one she had before I got in.

Now, this of course raises its own questions regarding whether any website still dealing in Real Money in the year 2017 would really put a customer's password in plaintext in an email to them. But it's not a plot hole necessarily.

# ? Mar 6, 2017 22:06

Gynovore: Jun 17, 2009; Forget your RoboCoX or your StickyCoX or your EvilCoX, MY CoX has Blinking Bewbs!

WHY IS THIS GAME DEAD?!

KomodoWagon posted:

The question"how do deaf people pee" is pretty indicative of some kind of brain problem or misfire. I doubt the guy's schizophrenic, but it's not uncommon for schizos to link completely unrelated concepts and grow frustrated when no-one around them understands what they're talking about. Best bet is probably a severe case of the 'tism, since those guys can also make that kind of weird non-sequitur. Autism would also explain how he's gone for a decade without getting laid.

Might be just a fetish, but yeah I'm guessing rear end Burgers too.

A dude posted:

Hearing is pretty important when you're trying to piss in the pitch black at night - it's really important to hear that water feedback to make sure you're on target. But yeah other than that hearing your pee is entirely irrelevant.

Uhhhh I'm guessing women don't worry much about being 'on target', unless it's a bulldyke who hasn't sat down since age 14.

(USER WAS PUT ON PROBATION FOR THIS POST)

# ? Mar 6, 2017 22:06

MacheteZombie: Feb 4, 2007

loquacius posted:

Now, this of course raises its own questions regarding whether any website still dealing in Real Money in the year 2017 would really put a customer's password in plaintext in an email to them. But it's not a plot hole necessarily.

the confession says it happened before the era of smartphones as well, implying this was before sites managed names/passes they ways they do now.

still probably fake

# ? Mar 6, 2017 22:09

ReidRansom: Oct 25, 2004

yeah I eat rear end posted:

You never wake up in the middle of the night and don't want to gently caress up your eyes by blasting them with light right before trying to get back to sleep?

Leave one eye closed and/or get a dim light.

# ? Mar 6, 2017 22:19

whiter than a Wilco show: Mar 30, 2011; by FactsAreUseless

Dear creative convention: that is not what gaslighting means you tools.

# ? Mar 6, 2017 22:20

loquacius: Oct 21, 2008

ReidRansom posted:

Leave one eye closed and/or get a dim light.

Trying to pee without depth perception seems like a bad idea

whiter than a Wilco show posted:

Dear creative convention: that is not what gaslighting means you tools.

Eh, par for the course. Gaslighting is one of those academic terms which the Internet got its hands on and stripped of all meaning. I've seen usages of "gaslighting" that translate to "said a thing which I think is wrong" or "remembering a past event differently than I do". This at least used it in an emotional-abuse context.

loquacius fucked around with this message at 22:25 on Mar 6, 2017

# ? Mar 6, 2017 22:22

Rockman Reserve: Oct 2, 2007; "Carbons? Purge? What are you talking about?!"

Gynovore posted:

BZZZZT, here's your consolation prize, thanks for playing,

ur bad @ reading

# ? Mar 6, 2017 22:26

The Management: Jan 2, 2010; sup, bitch?

I actually believe the woman who slept with her dad. It's eerily common in women that grew up without a father and then met him after sexual development. There's a deep emptiness that women tend to develop without a father figure, combined with the normal aversion to being attracted to family not developing for an absent father, and it's basically a recipe for disaster.

It's also creepy and wrong so knock it off. He can't ever make up for you growing up without a dad no matter how much dick he gives you.

# ? Mar 6, 2017 22:33

Sorryformybadjokes: Apr 21, 2004; I identify as a simian who pronounces the 'silent' letters in words.; Fallen Rib

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Genetic_sexual_attraction

# ? Mar 6, 2017 22:46

uber_stoat: Jan 21, 2001; Pillbug

I bought a toilet light from the Chinese internet. It turns on when it senses my dick.

# ? Mar 6, 2017 22:51

loquacius: Oct 21, 2008

uber_stoat posted:

I bought a toilet light from the Chinese internet. It turns on when it senses my dick.

Kind of like Frodo's sword

# ? Mar 6, 2017 23:06

therattle: Jul 24, 2007; Soiled Meat

uber_stoat posted:

I bought a toilet light from the Chinese internet. It turns on when it senses my dick.

Isn't the incredible sensitivity of technology amazing these days?

# ? Mar 6, 2017 23:25

grumplestiltzkin: Jun 7, 2012; Ass, gas, or grass. No one rides for free.

loquacius posted:

Trying to pee without depth perception seems like a bad idea

You're hitting a 2d target though, essentially. Depth perception isn't really needed unless you're trying to stand far away and get a 3 pointer

# ? Mar 6, 2017 23:42

purple death ray: Jul 28, 2007; me omw 2 steal ur girl

grumplestiltzkin posted:

You're hitting a 2d target though, essentially. Depth perception isn't really needed unless you're trying to stand far away and get a 3 pointer

So first thing in the morning, then?

# ? Mar 6, 2017 23:52

Solice Kirsk: Jun 1, 2004; .

purple death ray posted:

So first thing in the morning, then?

Morning pees should be done in the shower so aiming isn't an issue. Also helps with the twin sprays you get after sex.

# ? Mar 7, 2017 00:09

Gloryhold It!: Sep 22, 2008; Fucking
Adorable

loquacius posted:

Kind of like Frodo's sword

only it senses dorks

# ? Mar 7, 2017 00:20

christmas boots: Oct 15, 2012; To these sing-alongs 🎤of siren 🧜🏻‍♀️songs
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With all of my 😡anger I scream🤬 and shout📢
🇺🇸America🦅, I love you 🥰but you're freaking 💦me 😳out; Biscuit Hider

grumplestiltzkin posted:

You're hitting a 2d target though, essentially. Depth perception isn't really needed unless you're trying to stand far away and get a 3 pointer

When you have a micropeen, depth is always an issue.

So I hear.

# ? Mar 7, 2017 00:22

Solice Kirsk: Jun 1, 2004; .

Gloryhold It! posted:

only it senses dorks

No matter how small!

# ? Mar 7, 2017 00:23

limp_cheese: Sep 10, 2007; Nothing to see here. Move along.

ReidRansom posted:

Leave one eye closed and/or get a dim light.

What about those of us with only one eye?

loquacius posted:

Trying to pee without depth perception seems like a bad idea

It's not as hard as you think. This is kinda like the "do deaf people need to hear to pee" question.

# ? Mar 7, 2017 00:34

Leave: Feb 7, 2012; Taking the term "Koopaling" to a whole new level since 2016.

limp_cheese posted:

What about those of us with only one eye?

Jesus, do we have to cater to every freak of nature?

# ? Mar 7, 2017 00:34

Sorryformybadjokes: Apr 21, 2004; I identify as a simian who pronounces the 'silent' letters in words.; Fallen Rib

I use the Dowsing method and swing my dick back and forth and listen for the sound of piss hitting water

# ? Mar 7, 2017 00:41

Leave: Feb 7, 2012; Taking the term "Koopaling" to a whole new level since 2016.

Jeff Sichoe posted:

I use the Dowsing method and swing my dick back and forth and listen for the sound of piss hitting water

Also known as the sonar method.

# ? Mar 7, 2017 01:14

Gloryhold It!: Sep 22, 2008; Fucking
Adorable

You guys really don't know your bathroom well enough to know where the toilet is by heart?

# ? Mar 7, 2017 02:34

Gynovore: Jun 17, 2009; Forget your RoboCoX or your StickyCoX or your EvilCoX, MY CoX has Blinking Bewbs!

WHY IS THIS GAME DEAD?!

Anonymous Confessions: can the deaf pissbitch hit the target?

# ? Mar 7, 2017 02:45

Anton Chigurh: Mar 18, 2008; Can't post for 9 years!

yeah I eat rear end posted:

You never wake up in the middle of the night and don't want to gently caress up your eyes by blasting them with light right before trying to get back to sleep?

What do you do, just hope you aim correctly in the dark and don't start by pissing on the rim or on the floor first? Either turn on a light or sit down to piss, sheesh.

The gently caress is wrong with you?

# ? Mar 7, 2017 02:48

Hardawn: Mar 15, 2004; Don't look at the sun, but rather what it illuminates; College Slice

I piss on some rocks outside, I do curse the moon sometimes when it's full, but it takes the same amount of time for her to dim anyway

# ? Mar 7, 2017 02:58

SniperWoreConverse: Mar 20, 2010; Gun Saliva

What are you guys, animals? Most bedrooms have a window, jfc

# ? Mar 7, 2017 02:58

Clockwerk: Apr 6, 2005

This guy gets it.

# ? Mar 7, 2017 03:23

Solice Kirsk: Jun 1, 2004; .

Some one post that goon that used to stick his dick through a hole in the floor to piss.

# ? Mar 7, 2017 03:25

uber_stoat: Jan 21, 2001; Pillbug

Solice Kirsk posted:

Some one post that goon that used to stick his dick through a hole in the floor to piss.

my dad used to tell a story about how he would do just that and one day a chicken went under the house and pecked him on the dick.

# ? Mar 7, 2017 03:39

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# ? May 25, 2024 19:35

loquacius: Oct 21, 2008

quote:

I live in a haunted house. Apologies for the length of this one but it's a good story (I think).

I bought it in November of 2014. Loved the place as it was in a good neighborhood, close to work, and affordable due to the previous owners having to move quickly because of a new job. If this was a traditional ghost story, you'd find out later they moved quickly because they wanted to get out. But that's not the case at all here, and when I later asked if there was paranormal activity in the house they assumed I was trying to rip them off.

So I'm in the house about a month and it's a noisy house. Lots of creaks and whatnot, but nothing out of the ordinary for a house, especially one that's a bit older like this one. The first winter there was really bad, and I was convinced mice or raccoons or something had gotten in to the house because of hearing scampering noises in the attic at times. I called an exterminator out after searching myself, and he didn't find anything, not even the signs of something getting in. But he put some traps down for me and sprayed some stuff to keep animals away.

The scampering continued a few nights later. I was so fed up and convinced some animal was up there, so I went up into the attic with a broom, flashlight and a sledgehammer, convinced I was going to be killing a raccoon. Nothing up there. And I mean nothing - the previous owners left nothing behind and I hadn't stored anything in the attic yet either. I walked the entire floor and found nothing, so I walked back to my bedroom. I laid down and the scampering started again. I was exhausted and fell asleep, but I was definitely creeped out.

Over the next few weeks I set up a camera up there, laid down baby powder to try and get footprints, and even spent a night sleeping up there. Never saw anything, never caught anything. I started thinking maybe there was something weird to this, so one night I just said, to whatever was in the house "I want to share this place with you, just please stop the noise at night. I think we can coexist here". I also left the wood panel that leads to the attic open, basically trying to say whatever lived up there was free to roam around.

That night I was up late playing video games in the living room and heard the distinctive sound of something small running down the stairs. I thought it was whatever animal had been trapped upstairs. But I looked at the steps and saw nothing. I was a bit scared and decided to call it a night. I went upstairs to bed and locked the door. When I came down in the morning my fridge was open and my TV was still on. Over the next few weeks little things like that kept happening.

At this point it was springtime, and I was outside more in the evenings doing yard work. One day I got home from work and put my Ghostbusters DVD in. I watched about 10 minutes, then paused it to go do some work. When I got back in, the movie was playing and it was almost over. I let it finish and, when it was over, I heard footsteps go up the staircase. I had a weird feeling and spent the weekend with my parents. When I got home on Sunday night there were a bunch of kitchen drawers open, bags of food tossed on the ground, and my TV and a bunch of lights were on.

At this point I was convinced I had a gas leak driving me crazy. So I had someone come out. House was fine. I then had a priest come look at the house, I told him I just wanted a blessing on my new house. He did that and didn't react in any weird way at all, so that was that.

The activity slowed down a lot for the next few months. I would sometimes hear footsteps on the stairs, or a drawer would be open when I got home, but that was it. Then, one night, I was playing Lego Jurassic Park on my Wii U. The game kept reacting like a 2nd player was trying to sign in, so I grabbed my Wii remote and set it on the couch. The blue light glowed like someone had pressed a button on it. For a few seconds the game shifted to 2 player, and one of the characters moved. Then the blue light went out and it was back to 1 player. I looked over and said, to nothing at all, "You can try playing whenever you want".

Every day now, when I leave for work, I'll turn my Wii U on. I'll load up a game, usually an old virtual console download like Mario Bros or Castlevania, and leave it on. When I get home 9-10 hours later the character might have moved a few steps, or not at all, or maybe they're halfway through a level. Not much at all. I've left out my laptop and paper and pencil in the hopes it writes a message, but that hasn't happened yet.

Sometimes I'll put on a DVD and just let it play over night.

At this point I've been living with this spirit for 2 1/2 years. I think, based on very little, that it's the spirit of a little kid. It likes to run around and sometimes throws a tantrum, but it mostly just gets bored a lot. I basically gave it free reign of my Nintendo and my DVD player and that seems to keep it happy. No more scampering at night and I rarely find drawers or the fridge open.

I've looked in to the house and nobody died there, it's not built on any cemeteries or old school yards or churches or older houses. There were never any car accidents in the cul de sac, although the highway about 3 miles away has had a few, like any highway I guess. So I think either a kid died on the highway and wandered in to my house, or there's some weird random mixup where a ghost ended up in my home. He seems to understand video games and electronics in a basic way, so I think he died within the last 30 years.

That's it. I'm hesitant to ever tell anyone this because it makes me seem crazy. I also have grown to kind of enjoy having a ghost roommate, especially if it is some poor kid who died. I don't want to upset him in any way, although I sometimes wish I could help him get to Heaven or whatever's out there.

Eh I've seen better ghost stories ITT

quote:

My twin brother and I are in an alcohol and rage fueled feud that has threatened to destroy our family and our small town.

We were supposed to get tattoos on our 21st birthday that had the phrase "We Ride Together, We Die Together" and we were going to get them on our chests. The day of the tattoos come and my brother never shows up. I try calling and no answer. Turns out he went for a job interview at the lumber yard. The same job I applied for and we both agreed would be a better fit for me.

So my brother got the lumber yard job and is living pretty high on the hog from it. About 30 hours a week guaranteed, making 12 bucks an hour to start and he has benefits. Meanwhile I have to get a job at the Pizza Hut to keep the lights on and I come home smelling greasy every day and I'm lucky to get 4 hours a day. But the kicker is my brother never got the tattoo, even 3 years later now, so I look like an idiot when people ask me who I ride with. Nobody I guess.

So he starts driving around town in this fancy new truck and I'm so angry so I slash his tires. He figures it's me so he slashes my tires the next day. Big war of escalation here and I end up driving his trailer in to the pond. It didn't sink but it was a bitch to pull out I bet. And he gets me back by putting 3 dead hogs in my trailer and cranking the heat up to max all day long.

The next step is definitely us fighting it out but I love my brother and I know I would kill him in a fight. I have been watching a lot of fight videos on youtube to prepare and I think within 5 blows I could finish him off this mortal plane. 1 if we can use weapons in this fight and I get my Renaissance Sword.

To make things worse we each have a son by the same woman, who I believe is pitting us against each other in the hopes of getting our estates. She's still in my will (I haven't had time to fix it but plan to when I visit the lawyer in May to discuss some other tax issues) and would get my entire savings account, the trailer, and the truck. My brother is still seeing her on and off and I believe his will also includes her.

This one kind of got too ridiculous near the end

why on earth would you go ahead with getting the tattoo

# ? Mar 7, 2017 03:47

The Something Awful Forums > Main > General Bullshit > Anonymous Confessions: I had an extremely weird dream that's going to become relevant

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