Anonymous Confessions: I had an extremely weird dream that's going to become relevant

The Something Awful Forums > Main > General Bullshit > Anonymous Confessions: I had an extremely weird dream that's going to become relevant

«‹›572 »

The Mighty Moltres: Dec 21, 2012; Come! We must fly!

Therapy goon:

She's spending her money on you because she loves you. She's banging you because she loves you. She's telling you "I love you" because she loves you. She's eating off of your plate because she loves you.
She may not have understood your joke, (I sure didn't. "This is too much for me! No I wanted to eat that!" lol wtf dude,) but just keep saying little things like that and she'll get used to your sense of humour. Unless she's crazy. But I don't think she is.

edit: Keep in mind that you may be stressed out because, if I'm remembering correctly, this is your first real relationship. At 33 and with your former therapist, no less.
Everyone gets nervous with their first major partner, and everyone tries to look for flaws and cracks. I'm not saying to ignore red flags, I'm saying don't go looking for them.

The Mighty Moltres fucked around with this message at 06:55 on Mar 10, 2017

# ? Mar 10, 2017 06:44

Adbot: ADBOT LOVES YOU

# ? May 11, 2024 22:42

SatansOnion: Dec 12, 2011

LethalGeek posted:

There have been magic is totally real you all morons forever. You should know to instantly tune these folks out.

Magic is absolutely real, and here's the link that proves it. :colbert:

# ? Mar 10, 2017 07:10

Police Automaton: Mar 17, 2009; "You are standing in a thread. Someone has made an insightful post."
LOOK AT insightful post
"It's a pretty good post."
HATE post
"I don't understand"
SHIT ON post
"You shit on the post. Why."

I once met a wizard at a park. He showed me his magic wand

I don't think he really was a wizard

yo rear end is grass posted:

I'm not saying to ignore red flags, I'm saying don't go looking for them.

Well put. Everyone has flaws. Everyone is a little crazy. A successful relationship finds ways to deal with these in a healthy way. You're probably no walk in the park (ha!) either, therapy goon. Just go with the flow. I can only repeat myself, none of these things you have written sound terribly bad. The controlling aspect you might have to put a limit to if it gets too much, but that doesn't mean the entire thing is doomed. She might not even be aware she's doing this.

# ? Mar 10, 2017 12:01

loquacius: Oct 21, 2008

quote:

I spent nearly 8 years in jail after being falsely convicted for a crime I didn't commit. 2486 days to be exact, I counted every single day to keep myself sane.

I was finally freed after the guy who really committed the crime was caught for something else. He admitted to doing what I was locked up for, there was another trial, and I was set free.

I have no hatred for the justice system, they did what was needed and my attorney did everything he could. Likewise, no issue with the jury or the judge, they did their job to the best of their abilities.

I do have an issue with a prison guard, though. He took sick pleasure in hurting me - physically and mentally. 2486 days in Hell, all caused by one man.

I've been out for a few months now. I've found where my tormentor lives, and have started keeping a schedule of his daily life. He won't be the boss any more.

well all there is to say about this is "good thing you have no hatred for the justice system" because I don't think it's done with you yet

quote:

My son, who is 9 years old, is better than me in every single way. And I hate him for it.

I struggled a lot in school, most likely had a learning disability but back then you just sucked it up or else you ended up in Special Ed. I barely made it through middle school and it took me 5 years to finish high school, but I did it. I was no good at sports, so no chance of a scholarship. I was also pretty awkward and grew up poor, so it was a recipe to be an anti-social weird kid that most people assumed would end up dead after high school.

I became an installation tech for Comcast, which isn't bad considering my level of education. 20 years later I'm still doing it. I met my wife on the job, we married once her divorce went through, and have been happily together since. She was a "trophy" wife before I met her - rich ex-husband who basically kept her around due to her looks. Never went to college and, before we started dating, she wasn't exactly the sharpest tool in the shed. But she's grown as a person and has hobbies and interests and we're both trying to get smarter with having a son now.

My son is in the gifted program at school and we're in serious talks about him skipping a grade next year. He's not just book smart, though. I will see him fiddling around the house and come back hours later to find he's made a clay sculpture, or painted something, or wrote some short story. And it's all so much better than anything I did at that age, hell it's better than I can draw now as a grown man.

But here's the part I am confessing - I kind of hate him for it. My life was miserable as a kid, and I still struggle so hard. My son is going to have no issues like that in life. So I'm very proud, but also very jealous. I guess a lot of parents feel this way but it makes me sick to my stomach to feel anything but pure joy for my son.

Telling Kids These Days that They Have It So Easy is a common thing, but yeah it's also super obnoxious. At least the pride part is there; try to manage the resentment because that's 100% a "you" problem. Maybe make him get a summer job working retail or something when he's older if you think he needs to learn humility or whatever.

# ? Mar 10, 2017 14:15

GOTTA STAY FAI: Mar 24, 2005; ~no glitter in the gutter~
~no twilight galaxy~; College Slice

SniperWoreConverse posted:

Some people wake up and stop loving up. Some double down on the whole "everything's rigged, everything's a scam, I havent' drank in 78 months this is bullshit"

The latter are irritating as hell, but behave in such an absurd manner sometimes that the aggravation they cause loops around and becomes almost funny in its absurdity.

"What the gently caress man this is bullshit I didn't have anything to drink! gently caress these loving pigs!"

"Ted, you've been my roommate for the last year and a half, and I've watched you kill off two twelve-packs a day since the day you moved in. Actually, the day you got pulled over, we were doing shots of tequila a half hour before you got in the car. Remember?"

"Pfft, whatever, man. I wasn't drunk, I was fine."

"Were you fine? Dude, you almost barfed on the officer's shoes."

"NO I DIDN'T I WAS FINE"

"Ted, they have it on tape."

"WHATEVER gently caress PIGS IT'S ALL RIGGED"

:bravo:

# ? Mar 10, 2017 14:17

yeah I eat ass: Mar 14, 2005; only people who enjoy my posting can replace this avatar

Don't worry goon dad, if your kid is in gifted classes and is thinking of skipping grades, his life (at least until college) probably isn't going to be great either.

No matter what the counselors tell you, skipping a grade will probably do more harm than good. The kids in both his current grade and the next one up will both think poorly of him, the younger ones because he's a "nerd" and the older ones because he's young (and also because he's a nerd). I never did the grade skipping thing myself (in fact I started school a year late) but I knew a couple kids who did and I know firsthand the social stunting you expeirence being isolated in gifted classes.

That's not to say don't encourage him to reach his full potential but don't treat him like The Next Einstein because he's probably not. Also if you hated your childhood it's not his fault, go see a therapist or something and work it out instead of taking it out on him.

# ? Mar 10, 2017 15:23

purple death ray: Jul 28, 2007; me omw 2 steal ur girl

Honestly I don't know why anybody wants to have kids but I think them being better at life than you were is really the entire point, isn't it? You had it rough so you can give your kid a leg up, and he makes life even better for his future kids, and so on. If future generations aren't going to be better than their parents society just stands still.

And yeah unless he's full on Doogie Howser and going to graduate college by the time he's 13 don't skip him grades.

# ? Mar 10, 2017 15:35

Rockman Reserve: Oct 2, 2007; "Carbons? Purge? What are you talking about?!"

The DUI one is way more believable if you read the "forgot the baby at Walmart" story in r/relationships.

# ? Mar 10, 2017 15:39

timp: Sep 19, 2007; Everything is in my control; Lipstick Apathy

purple death ray posted:

Honestly I don't know why anybody wants to have kids but I think them being better at life than you were is really the entire point, isn't it? You had it rough so you can give your kid a leg up, and he makes life even better for his future kids, and so on. If future generations aren't going to be better than their parents society just stands still.

And yeah unless he's full on Doogie Howser and going to graduate college by the time he's 13 don't skip him grades.

Yeah dude, where the hell is the jealousy coming from, of all emotions? You know you can claim that he would have died if you hadn't fed, sheltered, and cared for him, right? You're totally allowed to take responsibility in however he turns out. That, like, what parents do.

# ? Mar 10, 2017 16:38

Atlas Hugged: Mar 12, 2007; Put your arms around me,
fiddly digits, itchy britches
I love you all

Also smart, creative people are frequently loving miserable because society sucks and doesn't inherently reward brains or talent. There's a reason why we have the expression "Ignorance is Bliss". Your kid could be fine, but he could also become overwhelmed by existential ennui and live a bitter, jaded life where his potential is stifled by a society that doesn't appreciate him or rejects him outright.

So just be happy he's a happy kid because all of that could come crashing down at any moment.

# ? Mar 10, 2017 16:43

loquacius: Oct 21, 2008

Don't compare yourself against your kid, compare yourself against your parents. You're doing a way loving better job than they did.

# ? Mar 10, 2017 16:45

The Management: Jan 2, 2010; sup, bitch?

loquacius posted:

Don't compare yourself against your kid, compare yourself against your parents. You're doing a way loving better job than they did.

This is good

# ? Mar 10, 2017 16:59

Crab Dad: Dec 28, 2002; behold i have tempered and refined thee, but not as silver; as CRAB

I angry that my kids are growing up with Netflix instead of blockbuster.

# ? Mar 10, 2017 17:15

sephiRoth IRA: Jun 13, 2007; "Science is not only compatible with spirituality; it is a profound source of spirituality."

-Carl Sagan

I can't really understand he toward your kid. I want my kid to rule the loving world, and to outstrip me in every way. Isn't that pretty standard? I mean hopefully I'll draw the line before I drop into crazy living-vicariously overbearing parent land, but we'll just have to see once I'm older.

# ? Mar 10, 2017 17:24

Hopper: Dec 28, 2004; BOOING! BOOING!; Grimey Drawer

So meditating confessor and their bed buddy had a good orgasm at the same time? Nothing spiritual about that.

# ? Mar 10, 2017 17:33

Police Automaton: Mar 17, 2009; "You are standing in a thread. Someone has made an insightful post."
LOOK AT insightful post
"It's a pretty good post."
HATE post
"I don't understand"
SHIT ON post
"You shit on the post. Why."

Being gifted isn't a guarantee that your son will do better in life. Maybe the contrary actually. Over here in my country I read about a foundation that works with gifted people who, through their gifted-ness, and not despite of it, somehow managed to end up being social outcasts. The article I read was about a 32 year old guy with a high IQ who dropped out of uni with 25 and didn't do anything except sit at home and play video games since then. They got him to move in with roommates and being able to stand normal social situations and land a completely normal, non-glamorous job education. Apparently quite a few people with above average intelligence end up being chronic sadbrains underachievers, not rarely because of the expectations put into them, which then end up turning into self-loathing as intelligence alone really gets you nowhere.

So don't worry, there's still hope your son will some day be as miserable as you are, if that's what you want. :v:

# ? Mar 10, 2017 18:19

McGavin: Sep 18, 2012

Arven posted:

What's with all the "magic is real!" stuff popping up all over the internet in the last six months?

Trump is president so we now live in a world where anything is possible.

# ? Mar 10, 2017 18:20

loquacius: Oct 21, 2008

quote:

I had many homosexual experiences growing up. My best friend and I figured it out during puberty. He was beautiful and friendly and we were horny teens, so we took every free moment we had exploring ourselves. We never told anyone because, in the 90s, being gay was not something a guy would admit to.

When I went to college I lost touch with my friend and we drifted out of each others' lives. I resented my homosexuality and forced it deep down, to the point that I even started dating women after college. I have never been attracted to a woman, but I forced myself to be "normal".

I'm now engaged to a woman. We love each other as friends, and I know she loves me on a much deeper level which I can never reciprocate. I met her at church and, thanks to her beliefs, she is a virgin and doesn't believe in sex before marriage. The most intimate we have gotten is a heavy petting session. My penis shrunk into me like a scared turtle, even with massive amounts of alcohol in my system. She is very inexperienced and didn't seem to notice or care that I kept pushing her hands off of me when they got too close to my crotch.

And before I am condemned for proposing to someone I feel nothing romantic for - she proposed to me and I stupidly said yes. I regret this every day and know that I am on a path to ruining a wonderful woman's life. I have already stolen 2 years from her and don't plan on stealing much more.

This is as close to "normal" as I can get and I have begun hating myself, my cowardice, and my homosexuality. The wedding is still far off, we cannot afford anything for at least another 2-3 years. I plan to end this charade before then, but don't know how to do it without breaking my fiancee's heart. I need therapy, I need time alone, and I need to become a healthy individual before I even think about entering the gay dating scene.

There's a scene from the movie "Saved!" where a gay teenager reveals to his church-girl girlfriend that he is gay by pointing at himself and yelling "GAAAAAY" while they are both underwater at the pool

but I don't think I can do a good enough search to find a video link to that scene while I am at work

Anyway you should do that

quote:

Hi, I recently moved in with my best friend in the hopes of A) getting out of the friend zone and B) saving money on rent.

I'm just out of college, my best friend is a year older and has his poo poo together. I'm still job hunting and am working as a waitress in the meantime to pay the bills. My friend mentioned I could move in with him which was great because he was willing to cut me an amazing deal and he was ridiculous attractive to me. So I considered it a win win.

Since moving in, I have lost any interest in my friend and am beginning to hate him. I have heard of horror stories of couples moving in and discovering bad habits, but this is beyond anything. I idolized this guy and am constantly grossed out and disturbed by his true self.

1) He takes a massive poo poo every morning before work. It stinks up the entire apartment and I hear him grunting and moaning in the bathroom during in.

2) He masturbates 2-3 times a day and is not very discrete. He'll walk in the bathroom, lock the door, and I'll hear him load up porn on his phone.

3) He games constantly in his free time. That is, when he's not making GBS threads or jerking off. I have no problem with this except he'll lay around and take up the TV for 6-8 hours every night, even after I've discussed it with him multiple times.

4) He has started complaining about not finding any "good females" around. Which is hilarious because I'm right there, but also deeply disturbing because he's started drifting towards some men's rights stuff. He's attractive, funny, smart, and successful so I don't know where this crap is coming from.

5) He doesn't cook, he just orders takeout or gets fast food.

So I'm miserable but unable to move right now, he's getting more and more miserable and weird, and I don't see the situation changing until I get a job in my actual field.

I don't think you should hold his pooping problems against him really, but still this is all basic roommate etiquette stuff which you could probably get him to turn around pretty quickly if you talk to him about it.

Like, jerking off and playing video games are things he can do in his bedroom if you guys find a lovely used TV on Craigslist or something, and you can get a bottle of that spray that replaces poo poo-smell with clean laundry smell or whatever at CVS for $6. And cooking is a fun group activity if you do it together -- my wife and I cook together every night and it rules. The MRA crap is in this case a depression symptom IMHO.

Seriously, "jerking off is a private bedroom activity" is a p basic concept I think

# ? Mar 10, 2017 18:44

TheKennedys: Sep 23, 2006; By my hand, I will take you from this godforsaken internet

loquacius posted:

There's a scene from the movie "Saved!" where a gay teenager reveals to his church-girl girlfriend that he is gay by pointing at himself and yelling "GAAAAAY" while they are both underwater at the pool

but I don't think I can do a good enough search to find a video link to that scene while I am at work

here you go friend :v:

_{I love this movie so much}

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Cij9SkIGQhc

# ? Mar 10, 2017 19:06

bradzilla: Oct 15, 2004

loquacius posted:

friendzoned goon

Probably fake but if not: lmao how retarded are you? You moved in with this guy in hopes of turning a friendship into a relationship but did you ever communicate that to him? Of course you loving didn't, doormat. This entire situation is your own loving fault, and you deserve all of the loud porn jacking off and smelly poo poo, idiot.

# ? Mar 10, 2017 19:43

Hardawn: Mar 15, 2004; Don't look at the sun, but rather what it illuminates; College Slice

Only option is to sex up the roommate. You should've done this earlier tho imo

# ? Mar 10, 2017 20:27

Rappaport: Oct 2, 2013

Start having even smellier, louder shits. Preferably several times a day. Make it a friendly-spirited competition. Of poop.

# ? Mar 10, 2017 20:29

RCarr: Dec 24, 2007

That entire roommate confession is written like he is your boyfriend. You aren't dating. He can do whatever the gently caress he wants. You're his roommate, not his girlfriend/wife/mother. If you don't like the dude, move out.

# ? Mar 10, 2017 20:34

ReidRansom: Oct 25, 2004

Rappaport posted:

Start having even smellier, louder shits. Preferably several times a day. Make it a friendly-spirited competition. Of poop.

Friendly? No, assert dominance! Leave the door open. Look him right in the eye as he walks by.

# ? Mar 10, 2017 20:59

SamLikesCake: Oct 6, 2006; ... and he is my navigator.

ReidRansom posted:

Friendly? No, assert dominance! Leave the door open. Look him right in the eye as he walks by.

She needs to cow him with a righteous upper-decker.

# ? Mar 10, 2017 21:09

tactlessbastard: Feb 4, 2001; Godspeed, post; Fun Shoe

ReidRansom posted:

Friendly? No, assert dominance! Leave the door open. Look him right in the eye as he walks by.

Throw the door open! Toss a knife onto the floor in front of him and then maintain steady eye contact as you strap on your, erm, strap on...and then tell him to defend himself.

# ? Mar 10, 2017 21:13

loquacius: Oct 21, 2008

ok this got weird, moving on to a much less weird topic of discussion

quote:

My mission in life has been to jack off in all 50 states. So far I'm up to 41. I still need to hit Alaska, Hawaii, Ohio, Pennsylvania, Virginia, West Virginia, Kentucky, Maryland, and Tennessee.

My parents traveled a lot when we were growing up, and when I started growing through puberty it became kind of a reward to jerk off as we crossed in to a new state. I'd do it right there in the car usually.

quote:

Hollywood, or somebody in Hollywood, has been bugging me for years in order to mine my imagination for ideas. 37 films in the past decade have been stolen from me, including blockbusters like Jurassic World, Arrival, Silver Linings Playbook, the Notebook, the entire Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles Franchise, and La La Land.

Before you say - oh, those are based on books and older movies. All of those ideas have been retroactively added to the canon. The same people bugging me have access to time looms, which allow you to add current items to the past. Jurassic Park - ever wonder why the special effects still hold up? Because that movie completed filming in October 2010. Steven Speilberg used a time loom to send it back, along with the sequels. The same thing with the books mentioned, Ninja Turtles, etc. They're placed back in time so perfectly that WE DON'T EVEN KNOW. Unless of course, YOU CAME UP with the IDEA in the first PLACE!!!!

I started digging in my walls in college and found several odd things that tipped me off. Bits of tin foil, sometimes tools, saw dust. Things that showed SOMEONE had been digging in my walls. Leaving things there to record me. I got bored a lot in college and would write my ideas in notebooks. That's what they were stealing - my thoughts and ideas. They've been doing it ever since and everywhere I move is the same. Even hotel rooms and my own parent's house. I'm not even safe in the middle of nowhere, because the satellites are tracking me then.

I do not know what to do and sometimes feel like I'm going crazy.

This one is incoherent enough that I think it might actually be a crazy person this time

# ? Mar 10, 2017 21:19

Personal Lucubrant: Oct 18, 2016; Just thinking about what to do with all the money I don't have.

a nutcase posted:

I started digging in my walls in college and found several odd things that tipped me off. Bits of tin foil, sometimes tools, saw dust. Things that showed SOMEONE had been digging in my walls.

Checkmate. That's some downright freaky poo poo right there.

a nutcase posted:

sometimes feel like I'm going crazy.

No kidding.

Personal Lucubrant fucked around with this message at 21:33 on Mar 10, 2017

# ? Mar 10, 2017 21:26

purple death ray: Jul 28, 2007; me omw 2 steal ur girl

Jerking off in Alaska and Hawaii is like infecting Madagascar in Pandemic, you can do it but you have to have a plan from the beginning

# ? Mar 10, 2017 21:40

christmas boots: Oct 15, 2012; To these sing-alongs 🎤of siren 🧜🏻‍♀️songs
To oohs😮 to ahhs😱 to 👏big👏applause👏
With all of my 😡anger I scream🤬 and shout📢
🇺🇸America🦅, I love you 🥰but you're freaking 💦me 😳out; Biscuit Hider

What's the more likely explanation?

1. Mind reading and time travel

2. Paranoid Schizophrenia

Can't seem to choose�

# ? Mar 10, 2017 21:42

Rockman Reserve: Oct 2, 2007; "Carbons? Purge? What are you talking about?!"

quote:

I started digging in my walls in college and found several odd things that tipped me off.

quote:

Things that showed SOMEONE had been digging in my walls.

I solved your mystery, crazy person.

# ? Mar 10, 2017 21:43

DAD LOST MY IPOD: Feb 3, 2012; Fats Dominar is on the case

jack off map goon you need to get on my level, i've gotten not only Alaska but the us virgin islands which are just a territory

# ? Mar 10, 2017 21:45

christmas boots: Oct 15, 2012; To these sing-alongs 🎤of siren 🧜🏻‍♀️songs
To oohs😮 to ahhs😱 to 👏big👏applause👏
With all of my 😡anger I scream🤬 and shout📢
🇺🇸America🦅, I love you 🥰but you're freaking 💦me 😳out; Biscuit Hider

DAD LOST MY IPOD posted:

jack off map goon you need to get on my level, i've gotten not only Alaska but the us virgin islands which are just a territory

gently caress off loser come back to me when you hit guam

# ? Mar 10, 2017 21:53

Gynovore: Jun 17, 2009; Forget your RoboCoX or your StickyCoX or your EvilCoX, MY CoX has Blinking Bewbs!

WHY IS THIS GAME DEAD?!

Hurf a Durf posted:

My mission in life has been to jack off in all 50 states.

This one is so hosed up it just might be real.

Durf a Hurf posted:

Hollywood, or somebody in Hollywood, has been bugging me for years in order to mine my imagination for ideas.

Psychic spies from China try to steal your mind's elation...

# ? Mar 10, 2017 21:54

Dirty Frank: Jul 8, 2004

DAD LOST MY IPOD posted:

jack off map goon you need to get on my level, i've gotten not only Alaska but the us virgin islands which are just a territory

America owns Guantanamo, as a lease at least. I think your mission is clear.

# ? Mar 10, 2017 22:06

Motherfucker: Jul 16, 2011; I certainly dont have deep-seated issues involving birthdays.

loquacius posted:

The last one though, get used to most of that poo poo hon because EVERYONE you move in with is gonna have a 'pooping problem' or weird jacking habits or some obnoxious thing, cute boys or not. This is the risk you take when moving in with anyone / thing and something you have to be prepared to take in stride / communicate. Just remember you're not blameless either since you clearly want the D and are treating this poor dude like he's your long time boyfriend only without any of the benefits of 'emotional support' or 'sex' just the 'support me through my inability to communicate like an adult' thing.

# ? Mar 10, 2017 22:06

Anton Chigurh: Mar 18, 2008; Can't post for 9 years!

loquacius posted:

Friendzoned goon

Sounds like your roommate needs more fiber in his diet if he grunts and moans during his shits. Encourage him to eat more fruits and vegetables, some high fiber cereals, whatever. It probably won't make his poo poo smell any better, but at least you won't have to hear him every time he pushes out a fresh steamer.

Comedy option: Slip some Metamucil into his drinks.

# ? Mar 10, 2017 22:11

ReidRansom: Oct 25, 2004

fruit on the bottom posted:

gently caress off loser come back to me when you hit guam

Meh, done it. Guam ain't nothing. I'm just two continents shy of a grand tour, and I'll have an opportunity to leave a frozen load for future biologists in Antarctica next year maybe. Assuming climate change doesn't wash it out to sea to create mermaids, which is I'm pretty sure how that works.

# ? Mar 10, 2017 22:29

purple death ray: Jul 28, 2007; me omw 2 steal ur girl

Dirty Frank posted:

America owns Guantanamo, as a lease at least. I think your mission is clear.

Oh well poo poo then he's got to hit the American embassies all over the world. Get on it, Cummin' Sandiego

# ? Mar 10, 2017 22:31

Adbot: ADBOT LOVES YOU

# ? May 11, 2024 22:42

Marmaduke!: May 19, 2009; Why would it do that!?

That wall thing is unbelievable - not even a single mention of a wall lobster.

# ? Mar 10, 2017 22:38

The Something Awful Forums > Main > General Bullshit > Anonymous Confessions: I had an extremely weird dream that's going to become relevant

«‹›572 »