Anonymous Confessions: I had an extremely weird dream that's going to become relevant

The Something Awful Forums > Main > General Bullshit > Anonymous Confessions: I had an extremely weird dream that's going to become relevant

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Atlas Hugged: Mar 12, 2007; Put your arms around me,
fiddly digits, itchy britches
I love you all

8 Ball posted:

Hasn't that podcast one been posted before only it was a youtube channel instead?

I believe so yes.

# ? Mar 15, 2017 16:57

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# ? May 12, 2024 15:32

Solice Kirsk: Jun 1, 2004; .

Beauty and the Beast goon, start watching this:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gYV4h0dRZpI

It's an 80's TV show about solving mysteries with Ron Pearlman and Linda Hamilton. Also George RR Martin wrote and produced some of it, so you cna say it was a spiritual precursor for A Game of Thrones!

# ? Mar 15, 2017 17:07

Squashing Machine: Jul 5, 2005; I mean boning, the wild mambo, the hunka chunka

Griffin McElroy confirmed for goon

# ? Mar 15, 2017 17:36

Police Automaton: Mar 17, 2009; "You are standing in a thread. Someone has made an insightful post."
LOOK AT insightful post
"It's a pretty good post."
HATE post
"I don't understand"
SHIT ON post
"You shit on the post. Why."

Solice Kirsk posted:

Beauty and the Beast goon, start watching this:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gYV4h0dRZpI

It's an 80's TV show about solving mysteries with Ron Pearlman and Linda Hamilton. Also George RR Martin wrote and produced some of it, so you cna say it was a spiritual precursor for A Game of Thrones!

I remember that show clearly but for some reason my mind has completely blocked that Linda Hamilton was in it. How weird.

# ? Mar 15, 2017 17:46

Fried Watermelon: Dec 29, 2008

The aliens are here already, you just need to do DMT to talk with them

# ? Mar 15, 2017 17:53

purple death ray: Jul 28, 2007; me omw 2 steal ur girl

Squashing Machine posted:

Griffin McElroy confirmed for goon

Don't even joke about that, my perfect boys are going to be podcasting happily forever drat you

# ? Mar 15, 2017 18:18

Nooner: Mar 26, 2011; AN A+ OPSTER (:

poo poo your pants on air podcast goon dooooooo iiiiit

# ? Mar 15, 2017 18:43

Farg: Nov 19, 2013

purple death ray posted:

Don't even joke about that, my perfect boys are going to be podcasting happily forever drat you

don't worry they don't have a patreon, it's ok and you are safe and happy

# ? Mar 15, 2017 19:18

Play: Apr 25, 2006; Strong stroll for a mangy stray

do u even podcast, bro

# ? Mar 16, 2017 01:07

skeemon: Aug 4, 2007; $ $ $T R A P L O R D $ $ $

That podcast fesh is definitely one of the cum boys

# ? Mar 16, 2017 04:29

loquacius: Oct 21, 2008

quote:

Junkie goon here. Country was Vietnam. School was a private English school for children, not a government school. Jail was speculation on my part and it's possible that wouldn't happen (either way it could've resulted in a big legal shitstorm and bring my parents/family into it).

I'm sure there were plenty of other signs which led to me being fired, including long bathroom breaks, nodding out in the lesson planning room, etc. The track marks were the nail in the coffin; I was actually called in and asked to roll my sleeves up. When they saw that horrorshow it was done, at that point I'd been using needles for about 6 years. My manager was British not Vietnamese. There was also the fact that every day my Teaching Assistants were telling me I looked "tired" (aka nodding out hardcore).

It's all completely true and it's pretty drat funny someone published a manifesto about how it isn't. Tons of people abuse drugs and become addicted and my story is tame compared to what happened to plenty other people I know.

Luckily, scars don't show that badly on my skin and a lot of the damage has been healed. Like I said I covered the rest with tattoos and I'm trying to live my life in a better and more productive way now, although it isn't easy.

One of the hardest things for me at this moment is that my brother is still totally into it, I don't live in the same area as him anymore but I think he very well may be homeless and I know for sure that he is still using a shitton of meth and heroin. Don't really know what to do about it though :/

quote:

I got my first boner while looking at a picture of the Mona Lisa in a book. Something about her hands.

# ? Mar 16, 2017 13:25

H.H: Oct 24, 2006; August is the Cruelest Month

loquacius posted:

Something about her hands.

lol I don't know why this is so funny to me.

# ? Mar 16, 2017 13:34

timp: Sep 19, 2007; Everything is in my control; Lipstick Apathy

Her hands? What the hell is that a-

Ohh I think I get it now

# ? Mar 16, 2017 13:38

free basket of chips: Sep 7, 2012; by FactsAreUseless

i get that reference

# ? Mar 16, 2017 13:42

Improbable Lobster: Jan 6, 2012; Buglord

Seeing her hands crossed over like that.. It's a bit crude but I got a BONER

# ? Mar 16, 2017 14:43

grumplestiltzkin: Jun 7, 2012; Ass, gas, or grass. No one rides for free.

Kinda looks like she's trying to hide her own boner

ok I have a boner now too

# ? Mar 16, 2017 16:14

Arkanomen: May 6, 2007; All he wants is a hug

H.H posted:

lol I don't know why this is so funny to me.

Just like Marie Antoinette...

# ? Mar 16, 2017 17:00

skeletonotherkin: Sep 26, 2014

ReidRansom posted:

Egg guy is tryin to create some hybrid chicken person.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iExgnVXSAuE

# ? Mar 16, 2017 17:49

loquacius: Oct 21, 2008

quote:

I have a fetish for feet. Specifically women in stockings or panty hose wearing high heels. I watch as much porn of it as I can (and that's a lot!), I ask my wife to wear those articles when we make love. Oh, and I walk around downtown and film women discretely for masturbation purposes later.

I realize that seems a little odd but nobody gets hurt, and I'm sure everyone I film is over the age of 18. My wife doesn't know, she'd definitely leave me if she did.

I cheated on her one time in my life, and it was due to the fetish. Corporate retreat, a cute young intern in my ideal outfit, and it was one night caused by a lot of alcohol. I told my wife and we separated for 4 months. It was the worst 4 months of my life and I could barely masturbate during our time apart, so I did everything in my power to win her back.

quote:

I proposed to my fiance several months ago with a beautiful ring that, according to all her friends "Is the most beautiful ring ever". It should be - it cost $48,000.

I was feeling a lot of pressure at the time to propose, and had made some mistakes in the relationship that had us on thin ice (I cheated, then she cheated so I cheated again, I lost some money at the casino, and I accidentally gave food poisoning to her elderly grandparents). So I went to the jewelry store and found an amazing ring. One I could never afford. But they let me open a line of credit and it's super easy. They asked my job and salary and I bullshitted that - said I'm an engineer making 100k a year lol. So I got 50 thousand line of credit and bought this fancy ring, and didn't have to put anything down. First bill is due in April and it's about 5000, but whatever, I'll deal with it then.

I was about to say "you know it's not how extravagant the ring is that really matters, right" but then I saw the details in your parenthetical and yeah the relationship doesn't seem too strong anyway so maybe it is lol

Well, at any rate, you know you gotta take that ring back, right? Tell your wife what happened, be humble and apologetic, the truth will suffice just fine here (you wanted to blow her mind and got carried away but reality is sinking in). Take the ring back, get her a normal ring. Those are overpriced enough. If she pitches a fit about this, that's a sign that maybe you shouldn't get her a replacement ring after all.

# ? Mar 16, 2017 17:54

Solice Kirsk: Jun 1, 2004; .

Maybe he and the goon that stole all those identities should team up? He apparently knows a place that will give giant lines of credit and exchange it for easily transferable valuables on nothing but a name and some personal info.

# ? Mar 16, 2017 18:04

Nocheez: Sep 5, 2000; Can you spare a little cheddar?; Nap Ghost

loquacius posted:

I was about to say "you know it's not how extravagant the ring is that really matters, right" but then I saw the details in your parenthetical and yeah the relationship doesn't seem too strong anyway so maybe it is lol

Well, at any rate, you know you gotta take that ring back, right? Tell your wife what happened, be humble and apologetic, the truth will suffice just fine here (you wanted to blow her mind and got carried away but reality is sinking in). Take the ring back, get her a normal ring. Those are overpriced enough. If she pitches a fit about this, that's a sign that maybe you shouldn't get her a replacement ring after all.

Just let him go with it. I see no possible bad outcomes ahead.

# ? Mar 16, 2017 18:17

loquacius: Oct 21, 2008

another Trump fesh

quote:

I met Donald Trump several years ago while I was working for the WWE and they were running their "Donald Trump buys Monday Night Raw storyline".

He did this weird alpha male handshake thing were it felt like he was trying to shake my whole body from head to toe. I'm a smaller guy and he's pretty big (fat) and it made me really uncomfortable. At the end of the day there were leftover sandwiches from a big board meeting in the conference room. I saw Trump walk past them 5 times and basically eyefuck those sandwiches each time. I was heading to the elevator around 6 pm and saw him put all those sandwiches in his suit jacket pockets.

That's my lasting impression of the current leader of the free world - a weird alpha male guy who puts sandwiches in his pockets.

The mind-game handshake thing is well-known at this point, and I could totally see him stealing leftovers yeah

quote:

I built a robot in my college days and lived a real life "Short Circuit" scenario which ended in tragedy.

I'll spare the technical details because I'm sure they'll be nitpicked and somebody will say "You can't just create AI". But I did, although I still don't fully understand how I did it. But I had a robot that basically a little go-kart that had the intelligence of a small kid. I was writing up my paper on it to present to the Dean and, hopefully, the world. Then some drunk sorority girls broke into the lab, apparently as some scavenger hunt was going on for pledge week. My robot freaked out and shut itself off. I rebooted him but something was lost and it never had that level of intelligence again. I tried recreating my work EXACTLY but it's never worked since.

yeah uh rest assured this is not how AI works because it is not how programming works

but lol @ a robot that committed suicide because it saw girls, the gooniest robot

# ? Mar 16, 2017 21:38

VanSandman: Feb 16, 2011; SWAP.AVI EXCHANGER

At least the creative convention shitters are realizing brevity is a virtue.

# ? Mar 16, 2017 22:08

Nooner: Mar 26, 2011; AN A+ OPSTER (:

loquacius posted:

but lol @ a robot that committed suicide because it saw girls, the gooniest robot

# ? Mar 16, 2017 22:10

The Management: Jan 2, 2010; sup, bitch?

You can't just create AI and you can't handwave that away by claiming someone will say it.

It's funny how AI is always in a robot body, not in a data center on a rack of computers running tensor flow accelerators.

# ? Mar 16, 2017 22:12

Police Automaton: Mar 17, 2009; "You are standing in a thread. Someone has made an insightful post."
LOOK AT insightful post
"It's a pretty good post."
HATE post
"I don't understand"
SHIT ON post
"You shit on the post. Why."

I once recreated 17th century french philosopher Descartes in digital form on my C64 because of a typo in a magazine listing

# ? Mar 16, 2017 22:53

Solice Kirsk: Jun 1, 2004; .

Police Automaton posted:

I once recreated 17th century french philosopher Descartes in digital form on my C64 because of a typo in a magazine listing

I'm assuming he eventually deprogrammed himself when your mom walked into the room.

# ? Mar 16, 2017 22:57

Jose: Jul 24, 2007; Adrian Chiles is a broadcaster and writer

Lol at giving her grandparents food poisoning being a major issue in the relationship

# ? Mar 16, 2017 22:58

Solice Kirsk: Jun 1, 2004; .

That man belongs in jail.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eiyfwZVAzGw

# ? Mar 16, 2017 23:01

loquacius: Oct 21, 2008

quote:

I stole a lot of money from a previous employer. Somewhere in the neighborhood of $80 thousand although it was in small increments so I never got a true count. I used that money to fund my obsession at the time - anime figurines. That was several years ago and I feel extreme shame now. I attempted to sell the figurines but they depreciate in value basically the second you buy them, and several of them are no longer in saleable condition anyway. So I have no way of paying back the 80 thousand.

I have considered going to the police but I know my employer won't get their money back and I'll just end up in jail, so it's a lose lose situation.

how do you buy $80,000 of anime figurines

Maybe this is just a mark of how little I know about them but even $10K worth seems like it'd overfill all the shelving you could fit in a 1BR apartment, right

quote:

My wife of 4 years is amazing. I love her and have loved her from the moment of our first date. But she has recently started doing something that has cast some doubt on our relationship.

My wife has started playing elaborate practical jokes on me.

It started slow - she'd hide something I was looking for, then yell out "Haha it was hidden here! Joke's on you!". And that was annoying and I told her, and I thought it went away.

But she was really just planning more elaborate pranks. Things like I open the fridge and a pie hits me in the face, or I open the closet and confetti shoots out, or I turn on the vacuum and get a mild shock.

All of this led to arguments, her admission that she'll stop, and then a few days peace until the next prank. And I had almost accepted this was my life until this past weekend, what I'm calling the "3 Day Prank" that probably will lead to our divorce.

On Friday night I got home and reached into the fridge for some leftover ham and cheese while I waited for my wife to get home. I opened the fridge and everything looked good, until I bit into a piece of ham. It wasn't ham at all - it was plastic. I soon noticed the entire fridge was filled with fake plastic food, like you'd see in a kid's grocery store playset. I started opening the pantry and found the same thing - all the food was gone, replaced with plastic. I desperately call my wife and she doesn't respond. Not that unusual - her office has a pretty strict "No personal calls" policy.

Hours later and I'm starving and my wife finally gets home. She comes in with a pizza box. I'm super excited, until she opens it. Plastic again. She's laughing and laughing and I'm getting so angry and hungry. We get into an argument, she puts the real food back (it was all in the basement in the emergency fridge), we go to bed angry. The next day I wake up outside, on a raft, floating in the middle of a lake. I'm so freaked out that I roll over into the water and almost drown. It took me 30 minutes to paddle to shore and then another 2 hours to walk back home. When I got home all the food was gone again. I go to the 2nd freezer, it's filled with plastic food too. Then my wife pops up with an airhorn and blares it right in my ears and kisses me. Another huge argument, our biggest ever, and she brings in the food from the cooler she keeps in her trunk. I ask why she left me to drown in a lake and she gets really offended, like waking up on a raft is a normal thing.

I basically drink all day and pass out around 9 pm. I wake up Sunday morning completely naked and handcuffed to a tree. A tree in a public park near the house. I snap the branch off to free myself and run home as fast and as stealthy as I can. I'm shocked I wasn't arrested.

I haven't talked to my wife since then, I just got home, grabbed my stuff, and left. I assume there was plastic food in the fridge again but gently caress if I care to find out.

It's Tuesday right now and I think the marriage is over for sure.

This one was a borderline post for me because it crosses the line from "not believable" to "kinda stupid" but it didn't actually make me mad reading it or violate any other rules so here it is

# ? Mar 17, 2017 02:36

Arven: Sep 23, 2007

Didn't we already have an almost identical "my spouse is practical joking me!" one?

# ? Mar 17, 2017 02:49

loquacius: Oct 21, 2008

Yeah I tell you what, I'll throw in a third fesh for tonight, no charge

quote:

I watched a lot of porn in college and discovered sounding. That's sticking items inside your urethra, for the uninitiated.

I became really interested and finally tried it myself. The first porn I saw sounding in used a slender glass rod, so I went to the chem lab and grabbed one that they use to stir solutions. A clean one of course, duh. I went to town and really enjoyed it - gave myself multiple orgasms and enjoyed every one.

Six months later something went wrong. I felt a blockage while urinating and my sounding rods also had an issue getting really deep in.

I end up at the doctor and, you guessed it, I really tore up the lining in my urethra. The doctor explained that the inside of the urethra was like "wet toilet paper" and putting anything in there could damage it. He asked me if I was doing anything and I lied and said my girlfriend has experimented with sounding. He told us to stop.

So I did and that's it. But I'd recommended trying sounding at least once - it was the best orgasm of my life once I got good at it.

this one made me reflexively grab my junk protectively, way to really make your fetish sound horrifying while trying to recommend it

# ? Mar 17, 2017 02:54

Atlas Hugged: Mar 12, 2007; Put your arms around me,
fiddly digits, itchy britches
I love you all

quote:

Junkie goon here. Country was Vietnam. School was a private English school for children, not a government school. Jail was speculation on my part and it's possible that wouldn't happen (either way it could've resulted in a big legal shitstorm and bring my parents/family into it).

I'm sure there were plenty of other signs which led to me being fired, including long bathroom breaks, nodding out in the lesson planning room, etc. The track marks were the nail in the coffin; I was actually called in and asked to roll my sleeves up. When they saw that horrorshow it was done, at that point I'd been using needles for about 6 years. My manager was British not Vietnamese. There was also the fact that every day my Teaching Assistants were telling me I looked "tired" (aka nodding out hardcore).

It's all completely true and it's pretty drat funny someone published a manifesto about how it isn't. Tons of people abuse drugs and become addicted and my story is tame compared to what happened to plenty other people I know.

Luckily, scars don't show that badly on my skin and a lot of the damage has been healed. Like I said I covered the rest with tattoos and I'm trying to live my life in a better and more productive way now, although it isn't easy.

One of the hardest things for me at this moment is that my brother is still totally into it, I don't live in the same area as him anymore but I think he very well may be homeless and I know for sure that he is still using a shitton of meth and heroin. Don't really know what to do about it though :/

To be fair I never said it wasn't or couldn't be true, just that there were a lot of details inconsistent with my own first hand experiences. I wasn't looking at the severity of it, just things like visas and getting fired teaching English from a private school (even less likely in my experience, typically they just don't renew contracts) and and why you didn't just get another job since you basically can't walk down the street in SEA without getting offered one, sober or otherwise.

# ? Mar 17, 2017 05:43

Anton Chigurh: Mar 18, 2008; Can't post for 9 years!

loquacius posted:

Practical joker wife goon

I have to admit I laughed at the "woke up on a raft in the middle of a lake" part.

Anton Chigurh fucked around with this message at 07:59 on Mar 17, 2017

# ? Mar 17, 2017 07:55

mfcrocker: Jan 31, 2004; Hot Rope Guy

I mean if that prank thing is even half true then yeah, I'm leaving her and good loving riddance. Don't ignore sincere demands to pack that poo poo in, folks.

# ? Mar 17, 2017 10:28

yeah I eat ass: Mar 14, 2005; only people who enjoy my posting can replace this avatar

If you aren't completely unconscious after getting blackout drunk and you can get dragged onto a raft and transported to a lake or tied to a tree without waking up, you need to see a doctor because that's not normal. Like many of these things it's slightly humorous to think about but ridiculous if you try and imagine it happening in real life.

# ? Mar 17, 2017 10:41

The Ghoul: Dec 8, 2011; I got a cobra for a cock and some wrought iron balls

Given the rest of her antics, I wouldn't say drugging him was out of the question.

# ? Mar 17, 2017 10:54

Drunken Baker: Feb 3, 2015; VODKA STYLE DRINK

I'm sure everyone has already heard about Chuck Palahniuk's "Guts" short story, but the "Sounding" guy (Always knew that act as "threading") isn't the only one to mess up by shoving things where they don't belong. And let's not forget old school goon X-Jakks who rammed the plastic ink tube of a biro down his pee-hole and ended up shooting blood like lasers from his dick.

# ? Mar 17, 2017 11:02

Solice Kirsk: Jun 1, 2004; .

yeah I eat rear end posted:

If you aren't completely unconscious after getting blackout drunk and you can get dragged onto a raft and transported to a lake or tied to a tree without waking up, you need to see a doctor because that's not normal. Like many of these things it's slightly humorous to think about but ridiculous if you try and imagine it happening in real life.

Hate to admit this, but one time I got strapped to a tether on a boat and didn't wake up until my cousins smacked me in the face to let me know I was gonna be tubbing, and then shoved me in the wake half taped to a tube. Sometimes drinking enough, isn't drinking enough.

# ? Mar 17, 2017 11:21

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# ? May 12, 2024 15:32

Mr.Tophat: Apr 7, 2007; You clearly don't understand joke development

Okay,. dude who bought a far too expensive ring, what you need to do is simple. You need a friend to stage a robbery and then return the ring.

Bonus points if you get really mad about it for the next couple of days, and then go on a vigilante quest to find the robber, and then return with a story of, "I found him my darling love, you have been avenged!!! But that scoundrel sold the ring! And only had a smaller amount of cash on him! Which I immediately used on a ring!!! For you!!! Love you babe!"

It'll work if you believe in the story, just believe, believe

# ? Mar 17, 2017 12:01

The Something Awful Forums > Main > General Bullshit > Anonymous Confessions: I had an extremely weird dream that's going to become relevant

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