TRUMP116: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vUz9xCTOPRw

The Something Awful Forums > Archives > Comedy Goldmine > The Goodmine > TRUMP116: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vUz9xCTOPRw

«‹›7690 »

Donkwich: Feb 28, 2011; Grimey Drawer

Baloogan posted:

id love to be someone who never really picked up in school that earth is round, and that the sun goes around the earth

oh yeah just like 1 in 4 americans

# ? Mar 24, 2017 07:40

Adbot: ADBOT LOVES YOU

# ? May 24, 2024 16:00

LGD: Sep 25, 2004

This Atlantic article appears to have a pretty good summary of the "no real forests""theory"

quote:

But lately, there�s been a change; something new and furious is growing in the community. �No Forests on Flat Earth� is an incredible new theory, proposed only last month. Its claim is grand, counterintuitive, and beautiful: we were lied to; our flat earth has no forests. Thousands of people are ready to believe it. This might prove to be important; you can�t understand our reality without understanding those dark and secret places where it�s denied. New discoveries in mainstream science just tell us about the physical universe; earth-shattering developments in the conspiracy-theory fringe tell us what�s happening to ourselves. �No Forests on Flat Earth� might be the future of weirdness, and it�s utterly magnificent.

The response to the video has been huge�since it was first posted by a Crimean man calling himself Людин Рɣси, �There are no forests on Flat Earth Wake Up� has been viewed hundreds of thousands of times, spawned hundreds of blog posts in the broader flat-earth-o-sphere and, at the time of writing, has gathered over ten thousand response videos. There�s been an �explainer,� a �decoding,� a biblical exegesis, a roundtable discussion (in fact, many, many roundtable discussions), and, inevitably, accusations that the precipitous popularity of the video is proof that it�s all a plot by the �control grid� to distract from the real truth. Unfortunately, the �No Forests on Flat Earth� video is also nearly an hour-and-a-half long. You should absolutely watch the whole thing�but if you�re not the kind of dedicated weirdo who wants to waste a decent chunk of their day watching ludic conspiracy-theory pseudogeology, I�m willing to give you a summary.

We start with a montage of forests, peaceful scenes studded with sunlight, the kind of pictures just waiting for some inspirational quote to be plastered on top of them. We�ve all seen forests, we all know what they are; how could anyone claim that they don�t exist? But our narrator knows better. �They make us think that this is a forest,� he tells us, �when you are actually looking at thirty-meter bushes. After watching this video, you will reverse your concept of forests by 360 degrees.� This isn�t a forest at all: only a diminished imitation. Thousands of years ago, a cataclysmic event destroyed 99% of the Earth�s biosphere, and when it happened, it took away the real forests. Real trees are nothing like their stunted cousins, the miserable perishing scraps of wood that we see today; they were truly vast, hundreds of kilometers tall, magical organisms that sustained a total living ecology of the flat earth. These things were the anchor of a beautiful world that has now vanished forever. And how does he know? Because everywhere around us, we can see their stumps.

The first piece of evidence is Devils Tower in Wyoming, U.S.A., a great geological stub (pictured above) rising out of the rolling lowlands on all sides, four hundred meters of towering igneous rock that may have formed as a volcanic plug, rising out of the ground as the sedimentary stone that surrounded it slowly eroded away. Or so they want you to think. See its intricate hexagonal columns, curving up in a way that looks almost organic. See the perfection of its sheared-flat summit. Doesn�t this remind you of something?

For several minutes, our guide to this new reality shows us images of mesas, plateaux, flat-topped mountains, chunks of isolated cliffs, placed next to pictures of astoundingly similar-looking tree-stumps. Every time there�s the same challenge. �Name ten differences.� You can�t. �There are only two differences: material and size.� These things look the same: they are the same thing.

Not just mesas�ordinary mountains are contrasted with the shattered, splintered remnants of trees; the Giant�s Causeway in Ireland is revealed to be a petrified organic structure, because (we�re told) cooling lava simply does not assume these shapes. There is no such thing as a mountain; there is no such thing as inert rock. Everything we walk on was once living wood, the mountain ranges were once tremendous forests reaching up to the stellar canopy, providing a link between humanity and the celestial spheres. The earth was really flat. But some malignant power cut all these trees down using vast machinery, and ever since then they�ve been gouging into the corpse of the earth, mining the dead trees for precious minerals, carving deep quarries that we, in our ignorance, call gorges and canyons (you can see the monstrous tracks leading away from Antarctic valleys); we think they�re natural, we even think that the traces of our destruction are somehow beautiful.

At this point the video starts to lose focus. The narrator alleges that a nuclear war took place in the 19th century, that large bathtubs are proof of the technological complexities of previous ages, that volcanoes are massive slag piles boiling with reactive chemical waste. All this is obvious nonsense, but it�s worth thinking about why it�s had the impact it has.

In the roundtable discussion, various theorists rhapsodize about how deeply the video �resonated� with them, they laugh that mainstream geology might just buckle under the weight of this incredible new research. And there is something that resonates. Against both the panpsychicism of hippie ecology, the bleary-eyed invocations of some dismally all-encompassing Mother Earth, and the pedantic materialism of most sciences as they�re actually practiced, �No Forests on Flat Earth� proposes a kind of hylothanatism, a pessimism for our own weary age: this world was once alive, everything was once beautifully connected, but not any more. This earth has been dead for millennia; what we think of as progress is just the rot spreading through the cadaver of the world.

# ? Mar 24, 2017 07:40

alsothere: Oct 14, 2014; Taco Defender

Donkwich posted:

also antarctica doesnt exist, its actually a massive ice wall holding everything in

so do flat-earthers think climate change is a myth too?

# ? Mar 24, 2017 07:41

Telephones: Apr 28, 2013

BREAKING BREAKING??? When does the Rex Tillerson�� Sex Tape come out? I need details STAT!

# ? Mar 24, 2017 07:41

Squizzle: Apr 24, 2008

Wikkheiser posted:

there's a guy who drives around my town in a car covered in flat earth slogans. he wrecked it recently.

but no worries he also has a truck covered in flat earth slogans.

and a house covered in flat earth slogans.

that fella owns

# ? Mar 24, 2017 07:42

Ramadu: Aug 25, 2004; 2015 NFL MVP

gently caress You And Diebold posted:

But if the earth is flat how did the nazis build a secret research base in the hollow center??

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=p_Pe4Mbcvqc

# ? Mar 24, 2017 07:41

386-SX 25Mhz VGA: Jan 14, 2003; (C) American Megatrends Inc.,

if the earth is flat then why does gravity point uniformly down instead of at the center of supposed the disc/rectangle/whatever

# ? Mar 24, 2017 07:42

quadrophrenic: Feb 4, 2011; WIN MARNIE WIN

idgi

like i've been to a forest

touched a tree with my hands

lots of 'em

# ? Mar 24, 2017 07:43

Telephones: Apr 28, 2013

Ok ok holy hell that forests thing sure is wild that means they're gonna trick everybody and steal all the forests for themselves the dirty

# ? Mar 24, 2017 07:42

swampland: Oct 16, 2007; Dear Mr Cave, if you do not release the bats we will be forced to take legal action

sexpig by night posted:

This rules so much

# ? Mar 24, 2017 07:42

MariusLecter: Sep 5, 2009; NI MUERTE NI MIEDO

Pop-o-Matic Trouble posted:

The sun is cold because space is cold is another good one

World Ice and Hollow Earth theories that formed the base of Nazi science is the best

# ? Mar 24, 2017 07:42

Baloogan: Dec 5, 2004; Fun Shoe

386-SX 25Mhz VGA posted:

if the earth is flat then why does gravity point uniformly down instead of at the center of supposed the disc/rectangle/whatever

if there was gravity then the flat earth would scrunch into a ball and that would be crazy

# ? Mar 24, 2017 07:43

Donkwich: Feb 28, 2011; Grimey Drawer

386-SX 25Mhz VGA posted:

if the earth is flat then why does gravity point uniformly down instead of at the center of supposed the disc/rectangle/whatever

because the disc is accelerating upwards by magic energy, simulating gravity

thats literally what they believe

# ? Mar 24, 2017 07:43

Bip Roberts: Mar 29, 2005

Wikkheiser posted:

I can't remember if Highlander 2 was actually good or actually bad

It was bad and so bad indeed it was no longer so bad it's good like highlander 3 but just bad and confusing as heck.

# ? Mar 24, 2017 07:44

Squizzle: Apr 24, 2008

LGD posted:

This Atlantic article appears to have a pretty good summary of the "no real forests""theory"

surely theyre flat table discussions

# ? Mar 24, 2017 07:44

BrutalistMcDonalds: Oct 4, 2012; Lipstick Apathy

Squizzle posted:

that fella owns

he had more props in the yard but the city made him take his props down

# ? Mar 24, 2017 07:44

Baloogan: Dec 5, 2004; Fun Shoe

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0bP9B-QWQxs

# ? Mar 24, 2017 07:45

Donkwich: Feb 28, 2011; Grimey Drawer

alsothere posted:

so do flat-earthers think climate change is a myth too?

yes and also everything nasa does is fake news

# ? Mar 24, 2017 07:45

Idiot Kicker: Jun 13, 2007

The earth is flat and it's centered on Dallas, Texas

# ? Mar 24, 2017 07:45

386-SX 25Mhz VGA: Jan 14, 2003; (C) American Megatrends Inc.,

Donkwich posted:

because the disc is accelerating upwards by magic energy, simulating gravity

thats literally what they believe

drat

dish network must have pulled some poo poo to orbit a bunch of TV satellites stationary above points on an accelerating massless disk

# ? Mar 24, 2017 07:45

MariusLecter: Sep 5, 2009; NI MUERTE NI MIEDO

LGD posted:

This Atlantic article appears to have a pretty good summary of the "no real forests""theory"

I swear reading this stuff I can hear Cecil from welcome to nightvale saying it

# ? Mar 24, 2017 07:46

Smythe: Oct 12, 2003

quadrophrenic posted:

i used to work the graveyard shift at a gym and they locked the door to the PA volume control at night so every night i had to listen to PUMPIN WORKOUT JAMS in an empty gym at full fuckin' blast, and as a result i know every word to this song:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xRtFnxwmM3M

it's funny, i kinda stockholm syndrome'd to some of the music, and i only loved this song the more i heard it

thank u for posting this OP it took a little bit of VPN fuckery to view this vid but in the end it owned and brought me back to the nostalgia zone

# ? Mar 24, 2017 07:46

Squizzle: Apr 24, 2008

Donkwich posted:

because the disc is accelerating upwards by magic energy, simulating gravity

thats literally what they believe

if its accelerating shouldnt it have hit lightspeed by now

# ? Mar 24, 2017 07:47

Salvor_Hardin: Sep 13, 2005; I want to go protest.; Nap Ghost

Shaq had the best flat earth take. Some of the most distilled stupid I've seen:

Shaq posted:

�It�s true. The Earth is flat. The Earth is flat. Yeah, it is. Yes, it is. Listen, there are three ways to manipulate the mind � what you read, what you see and what you hear. In school, first thing they teach us is, �Oh, Columbus discovered America,� but when he got there, there were some fair-skinned people with the long hair smoking on the peace pipes. So, what does that tell you? Columbus didn�t discover America. So, listen, I drive from coast to coast, and this (expletive) is flat to me. I�m just saying. I drive from Florida to California all the time, and it�s flat to me. I do not go up and down at a 360-degree angle, and all that stuff about gravity, have you looked outside Atlanta lately and seen all these buildings? You mean to tell me that China is under us? China is under us? It�s not. The world is flat.�

# ? Mar 24, 2017 07:47

Smythe: Oct 12, 2003

Ramadu posted:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=p_Pe4Mbcvqc

# ? Mar 24, 2017 07:49

Bip Roberts: Mar 29, 2005

Imagine if Kyrie was stupid as heck and also bad as basketball. He'd be just like me! :sad:

# ? Mar 24, 2017 07:49

386-SX 25Mhz VGA: Jan 14, 2003; (C) American Megatrends Inc.,

Squizzle posted:

if its accelerating shouldnt it have hit lightspeed by now

Yeah we should see spectral shifting too and be ejected from the solar system

# ? Mar 24, 2017 07:49

Hamelekim: Feb 25, 2006; And another thing... if global warming is real. How come it's so damn cold?; Ramrod XTreme

Smythe posted:

thank u for posting this OP it took a little bit of VPN fuckery to view this vid but in the end it owned and brought me back to the nostalgia zone

If it's viewable in Canada it should be viewable anywhere.

Also, I hope fat trump goes down as the worst president in American history, and his family feels shame hundreds of years from now.

# ? Mar 24, 2017 07:49

Idiot Kicker: Jun 13, 2007

Charles Barkley went on the Rich Eisen show and riffed on Shaq. He says Shaq told him he can see the moon, but not Los Angeles, therefore the moon is closer.

# ? Mar 24, 2017 07:50

Smythe: Oct 12, 2003

Hamelekim posted:

If it's viewable in Canada it should be viewable anywhere.

Also, I hope fat trump goes down as the worst president in American history, and his family feels shame hundreds of years from now.

Not Viewable in my home town of the UNited States of America

# ? Mar 24, 2017 07:50

Smythe: Oct 12, 2003

Keeping on pace of 90s Kid Music from the Mid 90s, and also (MATRIX SOUNDTRACK) I've moved onto

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=maP6q3D4Hf0

# ? Mar 24, 2017 07:51

Bip Roberts: Mar 29, 2005

Idiot Kicker posted:

Charles Barkley went on the Rich Eisen show and riffed on Shaq. He says Shaq told him he can see the moon, but not Los Angeles, therefore the moon is closer.

If he was 200,000 miles taller that would be true and he's already got a foot headstart on the rest of us.

# ? Mar 24, 2017 07:51

Donkwich: Feb 28, 2011; Grimey Drawer

Squizzle posted:

if its accelerating shouldnt it have hit lightspeed by now

thats a very good question and heres one response

quote:

In RET, the universe is continuing to expand, even though gravity should have caused it to begin collapsing a long time ago. Your scientists reconcile this by making up dark energy. Your own scientists can't explain everything, yet we are supposed to have all the answers. Do you want for me to make something up, like your roundie scientists do?

# ? Mar 24, 2017 07:52

punchymcpunch: Oct 14, 2012

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=arkzQrWMkXU

# ? Mar 24, 2017 07:52

Ramadu: Aug 25, 2004; 2015 NFL MVP

Donkwich posted:

thats a very good question and heres one response

well, i'm sold idk about you guys. pack it up roundies

# ? Mar 24, 2017 07:54

Hamelekim: Feb 25, 2006; And another thing... if global warming is real. How come it's so damn cold?; Ramrod XTreme

punchymcpunch posted:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=arkzQrWMkXU

Somewhere deep inside I hope that he is still doing tours singing this song.

# ? Mar 24, 2017 07:55

Grizzled Patriarch: Mar 27, 2014; These dentures won't stop me from tearing out jugulars in Thunderdome.

The idea is that once upon a time there were "real" trees that were gigantic as gently caress, but they all died out and the mineralized remains of them are now mountains / buttes / etc (the classic example they go to is Devil's Tower in Wyoming being a petrified tree stump). They claim that what we think of as forests today are basically just puny shrubs, and that the fact that you can mine mountains for resources if proof that they were once organic matter.

It's crazy as poo poo but just goofy enough to almost be endearing. Like just having a flat earth conspiracy wasn't quite crazy enough.

# ? Mar 24, 2017 07:55

Fuck You And Diebold: Sep 15, 2004; by Athanatos

Donkwich posted:

https://www.theflatearthsociety.org/forum/

quote:

"TOP 10 REASONS Why We Know the Earth is Round" Debunked

4. Triangles

This is little more than conjecture.

Checks out

# ? Mar 24, 2017 07:54

punchymcpunch: Oct 14, 2012

Hamelekim posted:

Somewhere deep inside I hope that he is still doing tours singing this song.

alas he died iirc

# ? Mar 24, 2017 07:55

Adbot: ADBOT LOVES YOU

# ? May 24, 2024 16:00

Ron Paul Atreides: Apr 19, 2012; Uyghurs situation in Xinjiang? Just a police action, do not fret. Not ongoing genocide like in EVIL Canada.

I am definitely not a tankie.

Lol Trump is threatening congress to pass it or he'll just leave Obamacare in place, how about that motherfuckers

Where to even begin

# ? Mar 24, 2017 07:55

The Something Awful Forums > Archives > Comedy Goldmine > The Goodmine > TRUMP116: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vUz9xCTOPRw

«‹›7690 »