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FutonForensic posted:interviewer walks in. you stand up. "d-dad? it's me... it's ya boi..." you have a touching reunion. the man who thinks you're his progeny passes the company on to you, which you tank immediately. another facet of capitalism destroyed.
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# ? Mar 23, 2017 19:40 |
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# ? May 15, 2024 03:14 |
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Give the interviewer a box with his daughter's severed finger inside and say, "I think we both know who is getting the corner office." |
# ? Mar 24, 2017 01:35 |
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Bust out the bottle of sherry, start a Barry Manilow record, and light a log fire in the corner. Then - start rubbing your prospective employer's shoulders.
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# ? Mar 24, 2017 02:45 |
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Thunder Moose posted:Bust out the bottle of sherry, start a Barry Manilow record, and light a log fire in the corner. Then - start rubbing your prospective employer's shoulders. If I were interviewing you I might well give you the job for this |
# ? Mar 24, 2017 03:09 |
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So....do I have the Bjob? *winks knowingly* |
# ? Mar 24, 2017 03:24 |
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constant, unbreaking eye contact. don't blink. don't breathe.
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# ? Mar 24, 2017 05:14 |
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Deadmeat Redux posted:So....do I have the Bjob? |
# ? Mar 24, 2017 11:53 |
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don't put "guru" on your resume or talk about social media like you got your masters degree in facebook or something. i throw those resumes in the fuckin garbage.
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# ? Mar 24, 2017 16:30 |
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"Ok, we're all here, are you ready for the interview?" "yes, but first--who wants their christmas bonuses?" you say, standing up and revealing a handful of checks! the conference room goes berzerk. you're skipping around the table, flinging out paper while everyone's crying and clapping in unison. "christ-mas! christ-mas!" it's still march and no one cares. you finish your lap and stand at the head of the table. they're just starting to catch their breath, when you whip out your other hand stuffed with a second wad of checks. "second verse, same as the first!" they're flailing their arms and yelling like kermit
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# ? Mar 24, 2017 16:54 |
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Zoinks |
# ? Mar 24, 2017 17:22 |
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Whatever job you are going for have some magic tricks rehearsed. I can't tell you how many jobs I have got with the you-have-a-coin-behind-your-ear trick. HR loves that poo poo. |
# ? Mar 25, 2017 01:49 |
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FutonForensic posted:they're flailing their arms and yelling like kermit amazing
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# ? Mar 25, 2017 01:53 |
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*Walks in to interview* "Hey, so are you down for some sexy times?" "I think that would be a conflict of interests." "I understand if you need to step down from your job." Twenty Four fucked around with this message at 12:23 on Mar 25, 2017
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# ? Mar 25, 2017 12:09 |
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When the interviewer reaches out to shake your hand, spit in his face, then apologize profusely. This will show that you have humility and are a team player. |
# ? Mar 26, 2017 01:55 |
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FutonForensic posted:"Ok, we're all here, are you ready for the interview?" |
# ? Mar 26, 2017 08:48 |
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a misanthrope posted:don't put "guru" on your resume or talk about social media like you got your masters degree in facebook or something. i throw those resumes in the fuckin garbage. I got my masters in blockchain and then did an internship in data and platforms-as-a-service do you think you have an opening for a thought-leading, thinkfluencer such as myself? |
# ? Mar 26, 2017 19:01 |
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ShinyBirdTeeth posted:I got my masters in blockchain and then did an internship in data and platforms-as-a-service do you think you have an opening for a thought-leading, thinkfluencer such as myself? Are you applying to save the Princess? If so when-a can you-a start-a? |
# ? Mar 26, 2017 19:44 |
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*I walk into my job interview in a tank top and shorts* Boss: Do you think that's proper attire for a job interview? You should be wearing a suit and tie. Me: But then you wouldn't see these guns. *I strike a double biceps pose that would make Schwarzenegger weep* Boss: You're hired! |
# ? Mar 26, 2017 23:29 |
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A lot of people blow the interview because they lack confidence not because they lack qualifications. Some people listen to a powerful song or exercise before an interview. Some people have a "lucky" tie or a special bit of jewelry. Some people get their chest hair permed or their teeth blackened. Find your source of strength, your warrior spirit dance, and do it proudly before every interview. Don't worry, you won't have to do it often, because with your new-found confidence, you'll be employed and climbing the corporate ladder in no time. |
# ? Mar 27, 2017 05:00 |
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Space Taxi posted:When they ask you "Where do you see yourself in five years?" look the guy straight in the eye and say, "Doing your job." "Being your boss, sitting at this same table, and firing you." ----- |
# ? Mar 28, 2017 18:05 |
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1) it is good to be confident and assertive, but never forget to give the interviewer a safe word BEFORE the interview starts. the interview is a careful balance of going just to the edge of crushing the interviewer's spirit and demonstrating your drive to get the job done. tell them the safe word is "YOUAREHIRED." 2) stay awake for a minimum of 40 hours before going into the interview. you'll want to make sure you have dark rings around your eyes and a sunken, vacant expression so that your level of commitment is evident. you should also be hallucinating at this point, making all of the interviewer's questions what you want them to be, which in turn will make the interview a cinch. ----- |
# ? Mar 28, 2017 18:18 |
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https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tQPtKNZpfz4 |
# ? Mar 29, 2017 07:20 |
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when negotiating your salary its typical to lead the negotiation by letting one of their family members go, as a show of good faith. |
# ? Mar 30, 2017 06:40 |
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double post |
# ? Mar 30, 2017 06:40 |
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Piso Mojado posted:when negotiating your salary its typical to lead the negotiation by letting one of their family members go, as a show of good faith. Also to give them an envelope with a toe in it, complete with nail polish, to let them know you mean business about benefits and vacation time.
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# ? Mar 30, 2017 11:42 |
Best way is to get in good with any of the head-ups. | |
# ? Mar 30, 2017 21:43 |
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# ? May 15, 2024 03:14 |
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always thinking about loving the bosses daughter it will make you chill out a little bit. cheers OP
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# ? Mar 31, 2017 01:14 |