Anonymous Confessions: I had an extremely weird dream that's going to become relevant

The Something Awful Forums > Main > General Bullshit > Anonymous Confessions: I had an extremely weird dream that's going to become relevant

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Jose: Jul 24, 2007; Adrian Chiles is a broadcaster and writer

hire your friend a hooker

# ? Mar 30, 2017 19:37

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# ? May 18, 2024 13:10

whiter than a Wilco show: Mar 30, 2011; by FactsAreUseless

Straight men don't tend to comment on eyebrow game, as eyebrows are not on boobs

# ? Mar 30, 2017 19:46

SniperWoreConverse: Mar 20, 2010; Gun Saliva

just lol if weak eyebrow game isn't a dealbreaker to u

# ? Mar 30, 2017 20:01

The Mighty Moltres: Dec 21, 2012; Come! We must fly!

Ugh, ham again? And these are the same kind of rolls he made last time. At least my eggnog has the right amount of rum in it, I only told him for the past FIVE Christmas Tuesdays how much I like. Now let's see what gift he got me... oh boy, another gold necklace, lazy gently caress isn't even trying anymore, I think he needs professional help.

# ? Mar 30, 2017 21:49

Nooner: Mar 26, 2011; AN A+ OPSTER (:

whiter than a Wilco show posted:

Straight men don't tend to comment on eyebrow game, as eyebrows are not on boobs

# ? Mar 30, 2017 21:51

Leon Einstein: Feb 6, 2012; I must win every thread in GBS. I don't care how much banal semantic quibbling and shitty posts it takes.

whiter than a Wilco show posted:

Straight men don't tend to comment on eyebrow game, as eyebrows are not on boobs

Nice eyebrows are a big deal to me. I've rejected women due to awful eyebrows.

# ? Mar 30, 2017 22:13

DogsInSpace!: Sep 11, 2001; Fun Shoe

Leon Einstein posted:

Nice eyebrows are a big deal to me. I've rejected women due to awful eyebrows.

Oh sweet. Well, want to go out? I say this as one gay man to another.

# ? Mar 30, 2017 22:36

Gloryhold It!: Sep 22, 2008; Fucking
Adorable

whiter than a Wilco show posted:

Straight men don't tend to comment on eyebrow game, as eyebrows are not on boobs

Yeah, they're boob brows if they're on the tiddie. Unless you glue googly eyes on the nips.

# ? Mar 30, 2017 23:18

The Management: Jan 2, 2010; sup, bitch?

Fat friend is going to go full MRA in a few short years. I watched this happen to a friend of mine and it was awful. And now we're not friends and I can't talk to him because he's a full on lovely person. The years of not getting laid and out of whack expectations stew into brew of anger and resentment that blows up against anyone who doesn't think they deserve to be hosed by any woman they want. See the incel thread for details.

Mrs claus, holy poo poo get out of there. One day you're going to find out that he resents you for not giving him as much as he gives to you and you don't appreciate all of the effort and everything he does for you two and you never do anything. This guy has a huge hole in his psyche and he's working really hard to keep shoving stuff in there so he doesn't feel the emptiness. This is a very bad sign. Pies aren't going to make up for it. Also you're going to get fat.

# ? Mar 30, 2017 23:47

Crab Dad: Dec 28, 2002; behold i have tempered and refined thee, but not as silver; as CRAB

The Management posted:

Fat friend is going to go full MRA in a few short years. I watched this happen to a friend of mine and it was awful. And now we're not friends and I can't talk to him because he's a full on lovely person. The years of not getting laid and out of whack expectations stew into brew of anger and resentment that blows up against anyone who doesn't think they deserve to be hosed by any woman they want. See the incel thread for details.

Holy poo poo I went sixteen years without getting layed but I didnt revert to some MRA wierdo, loving kids these days. :smuggo:

# ? Mar 30, 2017 23:53

Tinestram: Jan 13, 2006; Excalibur? More like "Needle"; Grimey Drawer

LingcodKilla posted:

Holy poo poo I went sixteen years without getting layed but I didnt revert to some MRA wierdo, loving kids these days.

You registered on SA when you were 1?

# ? Mar 31, 2017 00:44

Crab Dad: Dec 28, 2002; behold i have tempered and refined thee, but not as silver; as CRAB

runupon cracker posted:

You registered on SA when you were 1?

I was an advance baby.

Shitposting came natural.

# ? Mar 31, 2017 00:48

Leon Einstein: Feb 6, 2012; I must win every thread in GBS. I don't care how much banal semantic quibbling and shitty posts it takes.

Von_Doom posted:

Oh sweet. Well, want to go out? I say this as one gay man to another.

How's your brow game?

# ? Mar 31, 2017 02:01

Solice Kirsk: Jun 1, 2004; .

I had a girlfriend tell me my eyebrows and hands were the best things about me. Filled me with pride to be honest.

# ? Mar 31, 2017 02:28

loquacius: Oct 21, 2008

I keep forgetting to say, thanks to whoever got the thread tag changed :toot:

quote:

I am not a big horror movie fan AT ALL. My parents are and I watched a few scary movies as a kid, and they messed me up. A 14 year old is not ready for something like Night of the Living Dead. That movie is rated R for a reason and I think those traumatizing moments are why I hate horror movies and anything scary right now as an adult. Anything supernatural or with ghosts or ghouls or demons is right out. I've tried watching some scary movies recommended by others like Ghost Busters, Batman, and Beetlejuice. NOPE. All 3 were recommended as being fun "horror comedies" but I don't see the comedy in any of them. I stopped Batman around the time a man is dropped in acid (wow, how fun!), Ghost Busters when a demon from hell shows up in a fridge (haha how whimsical and comedic for people!), and Beetlejuice when a couple DIES almost immediately into the movie. Haha death is so funny!!

So I don't understand horror and have no interest in it. I was scheduled for a 2nd date with a girl and she wanted to go see Beauty and the Beast. My confession is I dumped someone due to them lying about what a movie really was.

I read up online and found no elements of horror, although I was a bit anxious about the talk of curses and animated furniture. But when we got to the theater I saw a lot of kids and thought I was safe.

We sat down and I made it through the previews okay. I should add that I have some sensational sensitivity and loud noises and bright flashes can hurt my ears and eyes, so going to a movie is a pretty tough time for me. But I toughed it out.

Then the movie started. I will not spoil the movie, but let's just say if you want to fill yourself with existential dread and terror, go see Beauty and the Beast. Everything in the castle was possessed by the ghost of a dead servant, and all of this was ruled over by The Beast, which was a man/dog/buffalo hybrid monster that will be haunting my nightmares for some time to come. I enjoyed the first song about the village, but started feeling nervous the second Belle's father entered the demonic castle. I walked out about 25 minutes into the movie since I couldn't take anymore. Date over, bullet dodged, and I feel bad for all those kids who were traumatized like this.

We already had someone pretending to be horrified by Ghostbusters, this is basically the same thing so I'll post a bonus one

quote:

I torpedoed my own popularity in high school thanks to anime.

I was a pretty popular kid in middle school. This was around the time anime started getting popular in the US, and you had stuff like DBZ, Gundam, and Sailor Moon on Cartoon Network in the afternoon. I got really really really in to anime and especially in to mysterious characters. So I started acting like one.

I grew my hair out long and swept it over my face. I started whispering and not talking to people unless they approached me first. And then I'd just say a few words and walk away. And worst of all, I bought a few yards of fabric at the craft store and made myself a jacket. It looked like poo poo since I couldn't sew and my dad and mom both threw it away several times, but I thought it made me look like an anime hero and loved it.

When freshman year started up I continued dressing and acting like this. A girl who I got along with in middle school asked me to a dance. The following moments are forever in my mind as the cringiest thing I've ever done:

"Would you like to go to the dance?"
"Perhaps, perhaps not. Let's leave it up to fate. Heads, we go" And then I flipped a coin to decide. She walked away while it was still in the air and never talked to me again. It landed tails anyway. I was such a dweeb I would have probably said no because it landed tails.

I still thought I was cool and kept this up for 3 years. One year for Halloween I drew a big M on my forehead and said I was Majin (from Dragonball Z). I spent the whole day growling at people at saying I was going to resurrect Majin Buu. I just got douche chills even typing this out and remembering doing that. I was 16 years old.

Senior year I grew out of it and started re-evaluating my life, but the damage was done.

Looking back it's no wonder I didn't lose my virginity until I was 25.

quote:

I'm Guy Fieri.

I have been posting on the SA forums since 2003. I love this site and it's brought me a ton of joy over the years. I also find the memes and jokes associated with me hilarious. I can poke fun at myself - I mean just look at how I dress! And for all the jokes, my life is pretty great. I'm a celebrity chef who gets paid to eat food and put his name on things, it doesn't get much better than that.

Nobody has ever figured out who I am and I plan to keep it that way forever. I just really like this site and it's easy for me to discuss some of my hobbies besides cooking. Also, Bobby Flay is a tool, just throwing that out there.

no loving way in hell is Guy Fieri a goon, but I'll say it anyway, way to ruin those loving Smash Mouth eggs dude

loquacius fucked around with this message at 03:15 on Mar 31, 2017

# ? Mar 31, 2017 03:13

Crab Dad: Dec 28, 2002; behold i have tempered and refined thee, but not as silver; as CRAB

Once again the last two are so boring I believe them.

# ? Mar 31, 2017 03:27

The Duchess Smackarse: May 8, 2012; by Lowtax

Gau ferrari die in an egg fire plz

# ? Mar 31, 2017 03:32

Hedrigall: Mar 27, 2008; by vyelkin

How could you watch Beauty and the Beast and have your overwhelming reaction be terror rather than arousal?? I just don't understand some people I guess v :rolleyes:

# ? Mar 31, 2017 03:34

Gynovore: Jun 17, 2009; Forget your RoboCoX or your StickyCoX or your EvilCoX, MY CoX has Blinking Bewbs!

WHY IS THIS GAME DEAD?!

Guy Fieri seems pretty chill, I wouldn;t be too surprised if he is a goon. And, I have heard that Bobby Flay is a douchebag in person.

Anyway Guy, in some upcoming episode of Triple D, mention a robot that shoves people down stairs to protect them from The Terrible Secret Of Space.

# ? Mar 31, 2017 03:43

Play: Apr 25, 2006; Strong stroll for a mangy stray

Solice Kirsk posted:

I had a girlfriend tell me my eyebrows and hands were the best things about me. Filled me with pride to be honest.

That sounds like the last ditch effort of someone desperately trying to think of any good qualities you have and coming up basically empty.

# ? Mar 31, 2017 03:45

Solice Kirsk: Jun 1, 2004; .

Play posted:

That sounds like the last ditch effort of someone desperately trying to think of any good qualities you have and coming up basically empty.

Yeah, I know...

# ? Mar 31, 2017 03:48

omnibobb: Dec 3, 2005; Title text'd

Gynovore posted:

Guy Fieri seems pretty chill, I wouldn;t be too surprised if he is a goon. And, I have heard that Bobby Flay is a douchebag in person.

Anyway Guy, in some upcoming episode of Triple D, mention a robot that shoves people down stairs to protect them from The Terrible Secret Of Space.

Sorry, most famous goon is a tattoo artist.

# ? Mar 31, 2017 03:48

Play: Apr 25, 2006; Strong stroll for a mangy stray

Solice Kirsk posted:

Yeah, I know...

I'm sorry buddy, I just said that cause my eyebrows are too bushy and my hands are too big for my wrists

# ? Mar 31, 2017 03:50

Incoherence: May 22, 2004; POYO AND TEAR

I actually went to see The Egg Eatening in person. General opinion of the goons that I talked to there was that it was sufficiently embarrassing for everyone involved, including us for watching it.

Fun fact: Guy Fieri claimed not to like eggs, which might explain in part why he ruined Smash Mouth's batch.

# ? Mar 31, 2017 04:43

Unbelievably Fat Man: Jun 1, 2000; Innocent people. I could never hurt innocent people.

quote:

I'm Guy Fieri.

I have been posting on the SA forums since 2003. I love this site and it's brought me a ton of joy over the years. I also find the memes and jokes associated with me hilarious. I can poke fun at myself - I mean just look at how I dress! And for all the jokes, my life is pretty great. I'm a celebrity chef who gets paid to eat food and put his name on things, it doesn't get much better than that.

Nobody has ever figured out who I am and I plan to keep it that way forever. I just really like this site and it's easy for me to discuss some of my hobbies besides cooking. Also, Bobby Flay is a tool, just throwing that out there.

Griffin McElroy is the source of at least half of the confessions in this thread.

# ? Mar 31, 2017 04:54

Panfilo: Aug 27, 2011; EXISTENCE IS PAIN😬

Incoherence posted:

I actually went to see The Egg Eatening in person. General opinion of the goons that I talked to there was that it was sufficiently embarrassing for everyone involved, including us for watching it.

Fun fact: Guy Fieri claimed not to like eggs, which might explain in part why he ruined Smash Mouth's batch.

A roadie for Smash mouth I talked to recently confirmed the event was embarrassing for all involved. He lamented not being worthy of egg eating at the time (he was too busy to help smash mouth eat the eggs)

# ? Mar 31, 2017 05:36

Drunken Baker: Feb 3, 2015; VODKA STYLE DRINK

I'd say Deadmau5 is the most famous goon.

# ? Mar 31, 2017 10:28

Pastry of the Year: Apr 12, 2013

omnibobb posted:

Sorry, most famous goon is a tattoo artist.

if there's one thing I associate with these forums, it's their being an example of the Live M�s Mentality

# ? Mar 31, 2017 12:42

loquacius: Oct 21, 2008

quote:

I run a Homosexual Conversion Camp for teens and young adults. Despite what some would have you believe, I am doing a good thing and a necessary thing.

There are a lot of confused kids out there, and it's very easy to get mixed up about who and what you are. I see it every day - boys who think that just because they don't like sports they must be gay. Girls who think that just because they don't like makeup they must be gay. And it doesn't help that being gay is now seen as a good thing in the media and gay "marriage" is legal. So you have a lot of kids who believe that this sinful act is natural and flock towards it as a new identity.

We help these people. We remove images of sex and lust and teach them the truth - that love is between Man and a Woman. That the purpose of love is procreation and that, if you love someone without the intent of procreation, you are sinning. So homosexual love is inherently sinful since you can't procreate. It's not rocket science and most of the kids understand it eventually.

A lot of these people have strayed away from traditional family values, and that's the real issue. They need to be re-taught that love blooms from hard work and dedication. And that the truest expression of love is marriage, which may then lead to sex. But they believe sex comes first, which mixes up their whole identity and ties it to sex. And when you're a confused kid, it's easy to think "Ok I like boys now because I'm comfortable around that."

And to prove I know what I'm talking about, I also went through a phase of believing I was gay. I was a late bloomer and really uncomfortable around girls. I courted a girl and, due to hormones, we tried having sex before marriage. My Christian values prevented me from having sex, but at the time, I confused it for not being attracted to her. And so I started down a dark path of kissing men, looking at photos of shirtless men, and believing I was a gay man. My parents sent me to a camp similar to the one I run now, albeit a bit tougher and more authoritarian.

12 years later I'm happily engaged to the WOMAN of my dreams. And I can't wait for our honeymoon, when I'll finally get to show her just how much I care about her physical body.

ok dude the fact that red-state culture is kind of hosed-up about gender and sexuality does not mean that homosexuality isn't real, that's a huge non-sequitur and you're doing real harm to some kids in order to "help" some other kids that would inevitably sort their own poo poo out themselves given time and the opportunity to talk to people. Pls quit.

You may or may not be correct about your own personal sexuality -- it's well-documented that some fundie kids get so many hangups about sex from their upbringing that they can't even have sex AFTER marriage, let alone before it. But either way that wouldn't justify your career.

quote:

I believe my girlfriend has just gone batshit crazy and am debating breaking up with her or attempting therapy.

We have been dating for ~4 months, and admittedly, we moved really fast. We are currently living together and have been for about 5 weeks. I just was promoted at work and it's our busy season, so I'm not home as much as I'd like right now. I get home around 7 pm, and we usually go to bed around 10. So we'll usually just eat dinner and watch some TV, or once a week we might go out and do some stuff.

My girlfriend has been telling me she isn't happy with the current situation, and to be fair, I'm not either. But it's temporary. But she's started talking about how bored she is and how she needs excitement in the evening. I told her to get some hobbies, or join a club, or the gym, or something. I'd join her when work calmed down, but right now it's not feasible.

This caused a massive argument and, out of nowhere, she said "Did you know that my last boyfriend and I had a pregnancy scare???" I didn't know how to respond and just said "Well we don't want things like that". She fired back and said life was a series of crazy experiences and she'd rather be out til 4 am drinking wine with friends than going to sleep and keeping a boring job. I said "Fine, but don't expect me to support you if that's your life."

We eventually made up and had mindblowing sex, so I kind of forgot about this.

Then a few days ago my girlfriend claimed a raccoon got in the house. There is no goddamn way a raccoon could just sneak in the house, she must have let it in somehow. So we spent one night baiting and luring a raccoon out. I finally got to bed around 3 am and felt like poo poo the whole next day.

Today she just texted me "Wow - I just got fired from work for being a woman and standing up to a man. I am going to sue but need your help on this". What in the name of Christ? She works at Ulta, which is a makeup store, I don't imagine this kind of dramatic event would happen there.

You're dating TCW from Scrubs

# ? Mar 31, 2017 13:25

Jose: Jul 24, 2007; Adrian Chiles is a broadcaster and writer

that was clearly sent in before the posts were made in the guy killing himself thread

# ? Mar 31, 2017 13:29

The Management: Jan 2, 2010; sup, bitch?

A goon on this here forum that believes in gay conversion "therapy"? Dubious. The setup for his future disastrous attempt at sex after marriage is just too perfect. It's leading the reader and done in a pretty hamfisted manner.

But pretending it's real, a repressed gay person like yourself who is so scared of sex is the last person that should be "helping" anyone with their sexual orientation. On your wedding night you will face a vagina and you will probably end up locked in the bathroom crying, before or after you managed to get your soft wang anywhere close to it. And then a few years later you will go on a gay bender, only to fall into despair and self loathing and go straight again. In conclusion, you're gay.

# ? Mar 31, 2017 13:49

Solice Kirsk: Jun 1, 2004; .

A r a c c o o n b r o k e i n t o t h e h o u s e

# ? Mar 31, 2017 13:50

purple death ray: Jul 28, 2007; me omw 2 steal ur girl

Solice Kirsk posted:

A r a c c o o n b r o k e i n t o t h e h o u s e

Lol

# ? Mar 31, 2017 14:05

GOTTA STAY FAI: Mar 24, 2005; ~no glitter in the gutter~
~no twilight galaxy~; College Slice

Gynovore posted:

Anyway Guy, in some upcoming episode of Triple D, mention a robot that shoves people down stairs to protect them from The Terrible Secret Of Space.

No, don't ask for this!

The last time we requested goon in-jokes from someone earning a sustainable wage for eating poo poo on camera, it resulted in swap.avi

# ? Mar 31, 2017 14:07

bradzilla: Oct 15, 2004

quote:

animegoon

This one fuckin owns

quote:

guy

yeah like you'd post a confession and NOT mention the egg thing :jerkbag:

# ? Mar 31, 2017 14:20

Improbable Lobster: Jan 6, 2012; "From each according to his ability" said Ares. It sounded like a quotation.; Buglord

loquacius posted:

ok dude the fact that red-state culture is kind of hosed-up about gender and sexuality does not mean that homosexuality isn't real, that's a huge non-sequitur and you're doing real harm to some kids in order to "help" some other kids that would inevitably sort their own poo poo out themselves given time and the opportunity to talk to people. Pls quit.

You may or may not be correct about your own personal sexuality -- it's well-documented that some fundie kids get so many hangups about sex from their upbringing that they can't even have sex AFTER marriage, let alone before it. But either way that wouldn't justify your career.

You're dating TCW from Scrubs

Also gay conversion therapy is when you shock a kid until they repress themselves sufficiently or commit suicide.

# ? Mar 31, 2017 15:45

Theotus: Nov 8, 2014

Dump girlfriend. Dating for four months and considering therapy? :cmon:

# ? Mar 31, 2017 15:57

DACK FAYDEN: Feb 25, 2013; Bear Witness

omnibobb posted:

Sorry, most famous goon is a tattoo artist.

Most famous goon is dead.

Second most famous goon just escaped Syrian prison.

# ? Mar 31, 2017 17:17

loquacius: Oct 21, 2008

quote:

I am a college student and have a huge crush on a beautiful girl named Samantha in my literature class. She's a redhead with big boobs, which is exactly my type. She's also really nice and funny and laughs at my jokes. We've been talking for a bit and I was finally thinking of making a move.

I also enjoy staying fit, but find most exercise really boring. So, and this is a bit embarrassing I guess, I like to do DBZ moves in the park. I find a nice secluded spot where nobody can see me and I go to town. Kamehamehas and Kaio Kens and everything. I throw punches and kicks and by the end I'm sweaty and panting but I've gotten a good workout in. Sometimes I pretend I'm fighting the trees and run around punching and kicking them. It would probably look weird to an outside observer, which is where my problem/confession comes in.

So I'm in literature class and notice Samantha isn't making eye contact with me. At the end of class I say hi to her and try walking with her for a bit. She's being really awkward and weird and I assume it's PMS or whatever and just let her go. I'm in kind of a bad mood then so I head to the park to workout.

That's when I realized what happened. My "secluded" spot wasn't as secluded as I thought; there's a bridge that passes by it that's a shortcut between some dorms and the chemistry building. Samantha is a chemistry major, she must have walked by while I was working out.

I want to explain to her my workout but think it's probably gonna be hard. She most likely watched me for a while thinking I was gonna take my shirt off and she'd get a nice view, but she probably just saw me yelling Kaio Ken and punching a tree. Attractive but in a different way and probably a bit weird if you're not expecting it.

quote:

I use women. Every single woman I've dated, I've viewed them as an object or a tool to be used. I either want their bodies for sex, or I'm in a dry spell and would go for anything, or they're wealthy and I want to live the good life for a bit. Always something like that. I dated a girl for 6 months because she had season tickets to the Cubs and they were good seats, too. Cheated on her the entire time but those were some fun times at the games.

I realize I will die alone and with no meaningful connections. I don't plan on marriage since I'd be a real piece of poo poo husband anyway. And I would never bring kids into this world because I'm not fit to be a parent. But for now, it's a fun ride and I don't plan to stop.

# ? Mar 31, 2017 17:20

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# ? May 18, 2024 13:10

The Management: Jan 2, 2010; sup, bitch?

DBZ has hosed up a lot of kids is what I learned from this thread

# ? Mar 31, 2017 17:26

The Something Awful Forums > Main > General Bullshit > Anonymous Confessions: I had an extremely weird dream that's going to become relevant

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