Colve: "I have been sent forth to do all manner of damage."

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twoday: C-SPAM Times best-selling author

I posted some random bullshit thread in GBS and someone from BYOB replied, lamenting that I haven't posted in BYOB in a while, and I said I would.

The Colve Project is going tremendously well. I have uncovered all kinds of cool poo poo. Mindblowing, history-rewriting poo poo. The rabbit hole is endless. I am starting to get some recognition for my work by important people. It's all coming together. I can't give away too many details because I might have a book deal in the works. Gotta save the juicy stuff for the final product. Hmm... What can I say without divulging too much sensitive information?

Oh, I've spent a few months hunting down a lost map from the 1670's that should exist somewhere, but has never been found (yet). The relevant curators finally wrote back to me the other day:

quote:

Dear twoday,

We have forwarded your request to our cartography specialist. Hopefully we will have an answer for you in the next couple of days. Thank you for your patience.

Kind regards,

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yoy4_h7Pb3M

I realize there are probably a lot of posters here who have no idea what I'm talking about. If you have any questions about North American Dutch colonial history, ask me anything. I just read through 5000 pages of court records last week, lots of drunkenness and physical violence and infidelity, maybe I'll post some highlights later.

# ? Apr 2, 2017 01:18

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# ? May 6, 2024 14:48

twoday: C-SPAM Times best-selling author

I also know a lot about ancient history, including the true site of Atlantis, but I can't tell you that either.

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# ? Apr 2, 2017 01:21

google THIS

I remember this, but can you for new and returning people alike? I remember it was about some city that was unofficially but in a very real sense run by a batshit warlord guy and that it was very fascinating and there was very little historical record of it and you were researching it but that's about it.

# ? Apr 2, 2017 01:34

twoday: C-SPAM Times best-selling author

Yeah, that's right. The city was New York. I could summarize it but I would find it more fun to see if you guys can collectively piece it together from memory, or only answer questions, like a troll under a bridge but the other way around

# ? Apr 2, 2017 01:47

Fuck My Ass

you should honerstly just post in BYOB instead of gbs idk tho just me

Thank you, very nice I like. For the insanely win sig.

# ? Apr 2, 2017 02:19

Scaly Haylie

twoday posted:

Yeah, that's right. The city was New York. I could summarize it but I would find it more fun to see if you guys can collectively piece it together from memory, or only answer questions, like a troll under a bridge but the other way around

fee fi fo fum tell us the heckin history facts

# ? Apr 2, 2017 02:50

GODSPEED JOHN GLENN: I put my thumb up my bum and shut one eye, and my thumb blotted out the planet Earth.

oh yeah, the king of new york dude

# ? Apr 2, 2017 03:06

google THIS

Right, that city. The one with the stuff.

# ? Apr 2, 2017 03:23

Rushi: by Smythe

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This thread brought to you by a tremendous dickhead!

# ? Apr 2, 2017 04:00

byob historian: I'm an animal abusing piece of shit! I deliberately poisoned my dog to death and think it's funny! I'm an irredeemable sack of human shit!

twoday posted:

I also know a lot about ancient history, including the true site of Atlantis, but I can't tell you that either.

well yeah but thats just because its location requires five dimensions to even be written down, thanks for not tryna break my monitor!

# ? Apr 2, 2017 05:20

byob historian: I'm an animal abusing piece of shit! I deliberately poisoned my dog to death and think it's funny! I'm an irredeemable sack of human shit!

Rushi posted:

way ahead of you bud

# ? Apr 2, 2017 05:21

Slush Garbo: FALSE SLACK
is
BETTER
than
NO SLACK

I remember that thread.

If it wasn't goldmined then well, ... it should have been

It sounds like a cool history you've uncovered and I will buy your book when available :toxx:

# ? Apr 2, 2017 06:20

cda: by Hand Knit

twoday posted:

Yeah, that's right. The city was New York. I could summarize it but I would find it more fun to see if you guys can collectively piece it together from memory, or only answer questions, like a troll under a bridge but the other way around

Ok yeah, that would be fun. I don't remember it totally because I was just a lurker but here's what I recall. There was this guy called Colve who was Dutch. I think he was a military guy, but not a general at first? He took over New York City and changed the name into New Orange, in...uh...16...7...sixteen seventy something? 1675? and ruled it for a period of something like a year and a half with an iron fist, engaging in crazy punishments for wrongdoers. I feel like there was something about stakes? Didn't he do something with stakes?

I also someone suggesting the title "Blood Orange" for the book, which still sounds like a righteous pun to me.

Also, I think I remember that Colve was crazy before he took over NYC, because of some experiences in Africa or South America. But he was definitely a nut.

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# ? Apr 2, 2017 11:52

twoday: C-SPAM Times best-selling author

cda posted:

Ok yeah, that would be fun. I don't remember it totally because I was just a lurker but here's what I recall. There was this guy called Colve who was Dutch. I think he was a military guy, but not a general at first? He took over New York City and changed the name into New Orange, in...uh...16...7...sixteen seventy something? 1675? and ruled it for a period of something like a year and a half with an iron fist, engaging in crazy punishments for wrongdoers. I feel like there was something about stakes? Didn't he do something with stakes?

I also someone suggesting the title "Blood Orange" for the book, which still sounds like a righteous pun to me.

Also, I think I remember that Colve was crazy before he took over NYC, because of some experiences in Africa or South America. But he was definitely a nut.

I'm gonna put this on the back cover

# ? Apr 2, 2017 12:33

twoday: C-SPAM Times best-selling author

gently caress My rear end posted:

you should honerstly just post in BYOB instead of gbs idk tho just me

I don't get BYOB. are there just like ten posters here and you guys read every thread? is it one guy with ten accounts? What in Tarantino is going om here?

# ? Apr 2, 2017 12:40

twoday: C-SPAM Times best-selling author

hint: they are both mostly derived from cocaine

# ? Apr 2, 2017 12:42

Randaconda: by Jeffrey of YOSPOS

twoday posted:

I don't get BYOB. are there just like ten posters here and you guys read every thread? is it one guy with ten accounts? What in Tarantino is going om here?

sir this is a mcdonald's drive-through

----------------
This thread brought to you by a tremendous dickhead!

# ? Apr 2, 2017 12:54

alnilam

cda posted:

Ok yeah, that would be fun. I don't remember it totally because I was just a lurker but here's what I recall. There was this guy called Colve who was Dutch. I think he was a military guy, but not a general at first? He took over New York City and changed the name into New Orange, in...uh...16...7...sixteen seventy something? 1675? and ruled it for a period of something like a year and a half with an iron fist, engaging in crazy punishments for wrongdoers. I feel like there was something about stakes? Didn't he do something with stakes?

I also someone suggesting the title "Blood Orange" for the book, which still sounds like a righteous pun to me.

Also, I think I remember that Colve was crazy before he took over NYC, because of some experiences in Africa or South America. But he was definitely a nut.

ya this is what i remember too and i think the dutch navy had to like forcibly remove him like he sorta went rogue?

twoday posted:

I'm gonna put this on the back cover

lol

# ? Apr 2, 2017 14:22

alnilam

twoday posted:

I don't get BYOB. are there just like ten posters here and you guys read every thread? is it one guy with ten accounts? What in Tarantino is going om here?

byob is actually big and powerful and has millions of active posters, amd we are not run by a barbaric dutchman afaik

# ? Apr 2, 2017 14:30

twoday: C-SPAM Times best-selling author

now what's that smell
in the evening breeze?
it's the god drat Dutch
eating Limburger cheese!

the Spanish are fighters
and the French are lovers
but the god drat Dutch
go to bed with their mothers!

there's the highland Dutch
and the lowland Dutch
and the Rotterdam Dutch,
oh the the god drat Dutch!

when god made the Irish
he didn't make much
but they're a fair sight better
than the god drat Dutch!

# ? Apr 2, 2017 15:43

Senior Management

why government hide flat earth truth from people? Why does circle of secret rings (one of them is Illuminati) protect ice wall? How come they purged all life in Atlantis? All BYOB posters are actually FluffieDuckie.

:jerry:

# ? Apr 2, 2017 15:44

Senior Management

Sorry there was a cat on my keyboard I meant to post that all conspiracies are wrong and dumb.

:jerry:

# ? Apr 2, 2017 15:45

alnilam

teoday who was worse the dutch or the leopold/congo-era belgians

# ? Apr 2, 2017 16:27

twoday: C-SPAM Times best-selling author

alnilam posted:

teoday who was worse the dutch or the leopold/congo-era belgians

belgians man, by far

# ? Apr 2, 2017 18:48

alnilam

twoday posted:

belgians man, by far

I went to brussels and there was a statur of leopold 2 and i was like yikes

# ? Apr 2, 2017 19:30

alnilam

alnilam posted:

I went to brussels and there was a statur of leopold 2 and i was like yikes

otoh i guess we still have andrew ja ckson on our money so who am i to judge

# ? Apr 2, 2017 19:31

twoday: C-SPAM Times best-selling author

https://mobile.twitter.com/realDonaldTrump/status/842154802058543105

# ? Apr 2, 2017 19:56

twoday: C-SPAM Times best-selling author

Though actually a lot of the blame for the trail of tears goes to Jackson's Secretary of State, who would go on to succeed Jackson as the 8th president, Martin van Buren (noted Dutchman).

Van Buren didn't start learning English till he was 8, so apparently he had a very thick Dutch accent

# ? Apr 2, 2017 20:02

GODSPEED JOHN GLENN: I put my thumb up my bum and shut one eye, and my thumb blotted out the planet Earth.

twoday posted:

Though actually a lot of the blame for the trail of tears goes to Jackson's Secretary of State, who would go on to succeed Jackson as the 8th president, Martin van Buren (noted Dutchman).

Van Buren didn't start learning English till he was 8, so apparently he had a very thick Dutch accent

it's all starting to fit together

# ? Apr 2, 2017 20:33

Fuck My Ass

twoday posted:

I don't get BYOB. are there just like ten posters here and you guys read every thread? is it one guy with ten accounts? What in Tarantino is going om here?

it's a place to just chill out. take it easy. let's have a posting party. cool place to post with your buds. the best way to describe byob is fyad is an exclusive circle jerk. byob is a inclusive circle jerk.

Thank you, very nice I like. For the insanely win sig.

# ? Apr 2, 2017 20:45

twoday: C-SPAM Times best-selling author

gently caress My rear end posted:

it's a place to just chill out. take it easy. let's have a posting party. cool place to post with your buds. the best way to describe byob is fyad is an exclusive circle jerk. byob is a inclusive circle jerk.

# ? Apr 2, 2017 20:54

Fuck My Ass

twoday posted:

Thank you, very nice I like. For the insanely win sig.

# ? Apr 2, 2017 21:19

Sing Along: by Athanatos

sometimes i think i'd like to do a little damage to things other than minds and souls, where do I sign up?

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This thread brought to you by a tremendous dickhead!

# ? Apr 3, 2017 07:20

twoday: C-SPAM Times best-selling author

# ? Apr 3, 2017 20:59

alnilam

twoday posted:

Where do i preorder

# ? Apr 3, 2017 21:10

cda: by Hand Knit

twoday posted:

lmao

----------------
This thread brought to you by a tremendous dickhead!

# ? Apr 3, 2017 21:14

twoday: C-SPAM Times best-selling author

if you send me money I will mention BYOB in the acknowledgments

# ? Apr 3, 2017 21:15

alnilam

featuring a new afterword on who was worse the dutch or the leopold/congo-era belgians

# ? Apr 3, 2017 21:16

alnilam

You already said you'd mention me :argh:

I will literally buy this book if when it comes out tho

# ? Apr 3, 2017 21:17

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# ? May 6, 2024 14:48

twoday: C-SPAM Times best-selling author

You'll be in there, assuming that the publisher likes "Blood Orange" as a title. And if they do, I'll send you a signed copy thanking you for coming up with it

If the rest of you send me :tenbux: I will casually namedrop BYOB in the middle of a list of historical institutions

Oh this reminds me, I bought blood oranges today, so that I could make the Colve cocktai I invented.

quote:

The Colve
1 part freshly squeezed blood orange juice
1 part barrel aged jenever (Dutch gin, 1 year old)
1 madame jeanette pepper from Suriname

Put the pepper in a mug, pour over gin, then juice. Drop in some ice. Stir.

The order is important because it synches up chronologically with the highlights of his life. The pepper is for decoration, to symbolize the military decorations he recieved for his role in taking the English fort in Suriname, where he was captured. The jenever must be of the barrel aged sort to symbolize the year Colve spent as a prisoner in the bowels of an English warship, which is what drove him crazy. The freshly squeezed blood orange juice symbolizes his iron grip on New Orange when he got his revenge. The ice represents the harsh winter when he was left in charge of the city unchecked, and the stirring represents the chaos that followed.

Maybe I'll make one later as a nightcap, but I don't have any peppers.

twoday fucked around with this message at 21:39 on Apr 3, 2017

# ? Apr 3, 2017 21:33

The Something Awful Forums > Main > BYOB: BYOB BYOB BOYB BBOY YOBB YBOB BBYO?? > Colve: "I have been sent forth to do all manner of damage."

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