Anonymous Confessions: I had an extremely weird dream that's going to become relevant

The Something Awful Forums > Main > General Bullshit > Anonymous Confessions: I had an extremely weird dream that's going to become relevant

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P-Mack: Nov 10, 2007

Jim Barris posted:

omg i can't stop laughing. 'batter up!!' ha ha ha ha ha ha ha

dat da da da dat da da da CHARGE!!!!

# ? Apr 5, 2017 20:09

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# ? May 12, 2024 17:26

Dogbrisket: Jun 10, 2009

Mr.Tophat posted:

Agreeing with the sentiment that if you call women 'females' there is something wrong with your attitude and or brain.

Interesting since most of the people I've known to do this IRL are non-whites.

# ? Apr 5, 2017 20:27

loquacius: Oct 21, 2008

quote:

I've lived in my house for 4 years and haven't cleaned it once, outside of wiping up spills and one big clean when I had a girl over. But that was almost 2 years ago and I haven't cleaned a thing since.

To most people it's probably gross. Ring around the toilet and bathtub due to hard water and grime, some dust on stuff that doesn't get used, some sticky stuff around the kitchen and bathroom, etc. It doesn't bother me, hence why I don't clean it, but I guess it would embarrass me enough to clean if I ever had people over.

I also have been told I have hoarding tendencies by my mother, but I think it's a side effect of my laziness. I keep my clothes in organized piles rather than wasting time folding and hanging them, and I do the same thing with food that doesn't need to go in the fridge or freezer. It sits out on the dining room table or the coffee table or the nightstand so I can easily reach it.

Again, if I ever had anybody over I'd probably change this. But I don't see that happening any time soon.

When I lived alone in a new city far from my friends I didn't clean much either, but I at least cleaned the bathroom every so often and put food in cupboards. Give it a try. It's a pain in the rear end while you're doing it but your home feels much nicer to be in when it's organized.

quote:

My husband has a bizarre and technically illegal fetish. I discovered it by accident and have been unsuccessfully trying to indulge this fetish, however I can't and believe this may lead to the end of our marriage.

We were at the zoo last summer and, while watching the animals, we happened to see two lions mating. A natural thing and beautiful in it's way, but not something that gets a normal person hot and heavy. Except I looked over and saw my husband licking his lips and his hand was rubbing my thigh under my shorts. He stood there, transfixed, until the lions finished. He was sweating and getting really close to out and out fingering me in public, so I swatted his hand away. He seemed a million miles away and apologized.

On the car ride home we talked about it and he admitted he had a bestiality fetish.

I didn't know what to say and felt like a chasm opened up between us - this was something insurmountable for me, something that made me rethink our relationship with each other, my opinion of him, and even my opinion of humanity in general. We had a rough few weeks after that.

I eventually agreed to try and indulge this fetish. We'd put on nature documentaries during sex. I noticed a difference right away, he was a much more giving lover then and seemed far more enthusiastic than usual.

We later involved some furs into our love making and again, I was okay with this. He did some odd things but overall, this didn't push things too far for me and he seemed very happy with the arrangement.

The problem is he has wanted to push this further, into what is definitely some illegal territory. It would involve breaking and entering and some things I am not at all comfortable with discussing, let alone doing. There is also the possibility of injury or even death, and I do not find either of those things a turn on. My husband recently showed me the film "Zoo" and, despite the fact that someone dies from bestiality in that, he's still intrigued.

So I don't know what to do. I want to be that wife who is always game for new things and never boring in the bedroom. But this is a bridge too far in many ways.

yeah there's being game and there's knowing what your hard "no"s are, and breaking into a zoo to rape animals is a pretty reasonable thing to give a hard "no" on

# ? Apr 5, 2017 21:08

Solice Kirsk: Jun 1, 2004; .

What a shrew.

# ? Apr 5, 2017 21:14

grumplestiltzkin: Jun 7, 2012; Ass, gas, or grass. No one rides for free.

I doubt he was serious. He was probably just horsing around.

# ? Apr 5, 2017 21:24

The Management: Jan 2, 2010; sup, bitch?

yo rear end is grass posted:

"Safe House" goon:

Admitted molester and future rapist goon

# ? Apr 5, 2017 21:36

Jim Barris: Aug 13, 2009

P-Mack posted:

dat da da da dat da da da CHARGE!!!!

dat da da dat da da da PUPPY POWER!!!

# ? Apr 5, 2017 21:38

The Management: Jan 2, 2010; sup, bitch?

Animal fucker is going to get mauled by a tiger that he's trying to rape. Probably best to disassociate from him before that happens

# ? Apr 5, 2017 21:39

Solice Kirsk: Jun 1, 2004; .

The Management posted:

Animal fucker is going to get mauled by a tiger that he's trying to rape. Probably best to disassociate from him before that happens

Though, if you want to launch yourself into internet fame I can't think of a better way than being the wife of a dead tiger fucker. Just think of all the Life of Pi memes it would create!

# ? Apr 5, 2017 21:46

Hedrigall: Mar 27, 2008; by vyelkin

Lemon posted:

Scooter's pretty cool nickname tbh

Better than my nickname at high school, " ".

Nobody talked to me

# ? Apr 5, 2017 21:52

Sorryformybadjokes: Apr 21, 2004; I identify as a simian who pronounces the 'silent' letters in words.; Fallen Rib

Find one of those lions owned by a middle eastern dude where it's all drugged up with no claws and rape the gently caress outta that

# ? Apr 5, 2017 22:01

purple death ray: Jul 28, 2007; me omw 2 steal ur girl

If there's a guy at an Arby's who everyone calls Scooter I expect to be able to buy weed off him

# ? Apr 5, 2017 22:03

Hedrigall: Mar 27, 2008; by vyelkin

Jeff Sichoe posted:

Find one of those lions owned by a middle eastern dude where it's all drugged up with no claws and rape the gently caress outta that

Look, Salim doesn't own me, he's just been letting me hang out at his place for a few months rent free, and...

Oh god

# ? Apr 5, 2017 22:06

The Management: Jan 2, 2010; sup, bitch?

My stupid ocelot

# ? Apr 5, 2017 22:50

El Estrago Bonito: Dec 17, 2010; Scout Finch Bitch

purple death ray posted:

If there's a guy at an Arby's who everyone calls Scooter I expect to be able to buy weed off him

Or for him to be super nerdy about a non-nerd hobby. Like the kind of guy who can tell you all the RBI for the entire Atlanta Braves going back to the 70's or something.

# ? Apr 5, 2017 23:23

loquacius: Oct 21, 2008

quote:

My wife and I are going to the gym, eating healthy, and working to get into better shape. We're both 200 lbs + right now, and though we've both always been fat, this is the fattest we've ever been. I guess I'm technically 300 lbs + at this point.

My confession is that I am completely half-assing this entire thing in the hopes that my wife gets skinny and hot and I can put in the minimal effort required. We go to the gym 5 days a week, 2 days together, 3 days apart due to our work schedules. I have never once gone to the gym on my 3 single days. I usually gently caress around on the internet or jerk off or something at home.

Our diets are pretty strict but we worked with a professional to make sure they were healthy and still allowed for an occasional treat, so you didn't get discouraged or feel like you were punishing yourself. I can't even keep to this diet. I go out for lunch at work every day and just throw away the salad or grilled chicken or salmon my wife made in order to hide the evidence. I much prefer a greasy burger or trip to Golden Corral, it's my stress release during a lovely day at work.

I also have a secret stash of junk food at home I dip into every single day. When we first got married I did a lot of arts and crafts for my wife and would hide the work in progress in a certain closet. I still claim to be working on crafts and tell my wife to avoid that closet. But really, it's full of licorice and cookies and cake and even a mini freezer with ice cream and soda in it. My wife is slimming down slowly but surely and I'm maintaining or even getting fatter. I keep dismissing it and saying my weight is increasing because muscle weighs more than fat. I think she believes me but I don't know how long I can lie when I keep having to buy bigger pants (waist is up to 52 inches right now and I was in the 40s just a few years ago).

Yeah careful dude, if you keep apparently defying physics either she's gonna catch on or get you a personal trainer which is considerably worse than just sacking up and sticking to your goddamn diet. Personally I'd recommend you just eat your salmon like a grownup. Salmon is good. :colbert:

quote:

In college I posted some signs on campus around frat houses that advertised a glory hole manned by a beautiful woman (me). I hung out at a shady park bathroom for a few nights and, thanks to those signs, managed to suck and gently caress 20 some dudes. All dumb college kids, especially the ones who didn't use condoms.

My confession is I am a straight male. That was almost 20 years ago and I'm now happily married.

# ? Apr 6, 2017 02:59

alpaca diseases: May 19, 2009

*swallows gallons of anonymous semen*

"Heh, stupid kids for not wearing condoms"

# ? Apr 6, 2017 03:21

Leroy Dennui: Aug 9, 2014; Gina McCarthy made us gay,
but we would not have met
had Biden not dropped his cones

loquacius posted:

Yeah careful dude, if you keep apparently defying physics either she's gonna catch on or get you a personal trainer which is considerably worse than just sacking up and sticking to your goddamn diet. Personally I'd recommend you just eat your salmon like a grownup. Salmon is good.

Yeah seriously, what kind of rear end in a top hat throws away perfectly good salmon?

# ? Apr 6, 2017 03:30

Hedrigall: Mar 27, 2008; by vyelkin

Getting fatter goon: what's your number? ;-*

Gloryhole goon: what's your number? ;-*

# ? Apr 6, 2017 03:48

SnoozeOrder: Aug 2, 2016

Fatgoon is gonna have a hot wife for all of one week before she decides/figures out he isn't
pulling his weight

# ? Apr 6, 2017 04:06

Panfilo: Aug 27, 2011; EXISTENCE IS PAIN😬

SnoozeOrder posted:

Fatgoon is gonna have a hot wife for all of one week before she decides/figures out he isn't
pulling his weight

It'll be some Gift of the Magi type ending where they're both cheating on their diets and end up fatter then before in a year.

# ? Apr 6, 2017 04:45

Solice Kirsk: Jun 1, 2004; .

Panfilo posted:

It'll be some Gift of the Magi type ending where they're both cheating on their diets and end up fatter then before in a year.

Think you need to reread The Gift of the Magi.

# ? Apr 6, 2017 05:11

Hedrigall: Mar 27, 2008; by vyelkin

Panfilo posted:

It'll be some Gift of the Magi type ending where they're both cheating on their diets and end up fatter then before in a year.

It's literally a Sergio Aragones strip from Mad Magazine

# ? Apr 6, 2017 05:18

Doctor Malaver: May 23, 2007; Ce qui s'est pass� t'a rendu plus fort

What's the difference between being 300 lbs + and "technically 300 lbs +"?

# ? Apr 6, 2017 07:29

Hedrigall: Mar 27, 2008; by vyelkin

Doctor Malaver posted:

What's the difference between being 300 lbs + and "technically 300 lbs +"?

With the latter half of you is cyborg parts

# ? Apr 6, 2017 07:38

therattle: Jul 24, 2007; Soiled Meat

Fat goon, that sounds like compulsive/addictive behaviour. But you carry on until your hot thin wife leaves you for someone who isn't "technically" 300lbs and doesn't hide food from and lie to her.

# ? Apr 6, 2017 07:43

SniperWoreConverse: Mar 20, 2010; Gun Saliva

Jim Barris posted:

dat da da dat da da da PUPPY POWER!!!

Dude should do the captain caveman

# ? Apr 6, 2017 07:58

Sorryformybadjokes: Apr 21, 2004; I identify as a simian who pronounces the 'silent' letters in words.; Fallen Rib

just loose some weight you fat gently caress

eat less

# ? Apr 6, 2017 10:14

Rupert Buttermilk: Apr 15, 2007; 🚣RowboatMan: ❄️Freezing time🕰️ is an old P.I. 🥧trick...

Doctor Malaver posted:

What's the difference between being 300 lbs + and "technically 300 lbs +"?

Tall muscular guy vs round dude, I'm guessing.

# ? Apr 6, 2017 11:05

Sorryformybadjokes: Apr 21, 2004; I identify as a simian who pronounces the 'silent' letters in words.; Fallen Rib

Doctor Malaver posted:

What's the difference between being 300 lbs + and "technically 300 lbs +"?

# ? Apr 6, 2017 11:12

Hedrigall: Mar 27, 2008; by vyelkin

Jeff Sichoe posted:

vs

Both fuckable

# ? Apr 6, 2017 11:15

yeah I eat ass: Mar 14, 2005; only people who enjoy my posting can replace this avatar

To me when someone describes themselves as 300 pounds+ you can add an extra 20-30 pounds for every adjective or justification they add on to it. Like if someone on the internet says they are 300+ but they carry it well and they go to the gym and its mostly muscle and everyone is shocked when they say how much they weigh you can safely assume they are a 399 pound doughball.

# ? Apr 6, 2017 11:18

Sorryformybadjokes: Apr 21, 2004; I identify as a simian who pronounces the 'silent' letters in words.; Fallen Rib

i dunno that second dude looks like he'd mess me up

# ? Apr 6, 2017 11:21

loquacius: Oct 21, 2008

I think "technically 300 lbs+" means the guy hasn't stepped on a scale in a while but he's pretty sure he's past the threshold

quote:

A pervert high school teacher took advantage of me and I was too scared to ever say anything. He made the news recently for having a sexual relationship with multiple young girls. I feel as though it's my fault he was never stopped.

He taught History and was one of those teachers who would assign seats. He always had girls in the front row, especially if you were wearing shorts or a skirt. Everybody thought he was a creep but nobody knew how deep it went. Except I was failing his class and one day he asked me to stay after class to discuss my grades. He gave me an extra credit assignment, I just had to let him massage my feet once a week and I couldn't tell anyone. I let it happen for months. It was gross and weird and he did things like licking and smelling my toes. But I passed the class and never thought I'd see him again.

Then he made the news this year and all those bad memories came back up. I graduated in 2009, I can only imagine how many girls he did things to in the last 8 years. And I just feel like if I told another teacher or the police that I could have put him away in jail, or at least gotten him fired.

Yeah you def could have -- he had nothing on you, especially after you finished his class -- but don't feel bad, because this kind of poo poo is pretty famously hard to report

How did he assign seats differently every day depending on what people are wearing though, that part sounds hard to get away with

quote:

My wife has MS and has pain flare ups every few weeks that leave her bedridden and completely unable to function. I help take care of her but, one issue that arises, is that she cannot have sex very often due to the flare ups.

I have a high sex drive and could have sex 2-3 times a day without problem. So my wife let me build a gently caress doll for when her MS is really bad. Pretty simple device; top of the line fleshlight tucked into some foam shaped like a woman, and I tuck some warming gel in there. If we get some more money I plan to upgrade it a bit with a mouth hole and some better breasts. It's a good compromise and saved us money vs me buying a real doll or something.

Anyway my confession is that we accidentally left this out on the kitchen table when my parents came over to visit. We had to lie and say it was a Halloween decoration (it was July).

# ? Apr 6, 2017 13:25

McGavin: Sep 18, 2012

Just lol if u don't eat breakfast with your gently caress doll at the kitchen table with you every day.

# ? Apr 6, 2017 14:58

The Mighty Moltres: Dec 21, 2012; Come! We must fly!

quote:

A pervert high school teacher...

This reminds me of a teacher at my high school, Mr. Harrison. He would blatantly stare down girls' shirts, who he conveniently assigned to be seated in the front row. A year after I graduated, he was busted for child porn on his work computer. No one didn't see it coming.

loquacius posted:

How did he assign seats differently every day depending on what people are wearing though, that part sounds hard to get away with

She never said it was different seats each day. It could have been monthly, semesterly, yearly, you name it.

# ? Apr 6, 2017 15:16

loquacius: Oct 21, 2008

It said "especially if you were wearing shorts or a skirt" though, implying that was part of his decision-making process

# ? Apr 6, 2017 15:22

Anne Whateley: Feb 11, 2007; i like nice words

We had a teacher who did the same thing. It was like "Liz, was that you talking to Jen? Both of you come sit up here today so I can keep an eye on you."

# ? Apr 6, 2017 15:39

whiter than a Wilco show: Mar 30, 2011; by FactsAreUseless

"My confession is I am a straight male"

1) lol no you aren't
2) which red state do you represent in federal government?

# ? Apr 7, 2017 00:46

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# ? May 12, 2024 17:26

loquacius: Oct 21, 2008

quote:

I voted for Trump and confess that I hosed up big time and want to apologize for voting for him.

And this isn't motivated by me personally being screwed over. I've just been watching since he was elected and realized that he completely conned me and made me think he was something he wasn't. I wanted the fat to be trimmed out of the government, a focus on running the US like a business, and harsher penalties for people who break the rules.

Now I'm realizing he's just trimming actually useful government programs and spending money on stupid poo poo like his golf vacations and security for his wife and son. And if I worked for a business like this I'd quit because I don't trust upper management. And all his cronies are entitled upper crust elites who don't know poo poo about my experience and they're making decisions now. I'm seriously having major stress problems now because I've never felt like I hosed up like this before.

I know it's really easy to lump all Trump voters together as "racist idiots" but I'm just an idiot, not an actual racist

If it helps, you definitely aren't the only one. I think we're at a point where the majority of Trump voters have buyer's remorse.

Hell, David Dees has turned on him by now (Ben Garrison probably never will though)

quote:

I dated a girl who forbade me from masturbating and my confession is I was dumb as dirt and stayed in that relationship for 2 years.

I think she used sex to control me and jerking off would screw up that balance. I finally cracked after 4 months w/o sex and jerked off. Felt like a fireman's hose going off, it took all of 5 strokes, and I basically coated the shower with my goo. She found out and dumped me.

Joke's on her - my hand was way better than her anyway AND I proceeded to jerk off into a bunch of her clothes before she moved out.

# ? Apr 7, 2017 01:05

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