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Skypie posted:Oh whuff. Even I wouldn't touch Sallie Mae's property with my worst enemy's staff. Sorry, but they're too evil even for me. The worst part is the name. Something so evil shouldn't have a brand name that sounds like a kindly drunken Southern aunt. 'Debtors' Despair' or 'the Folly of Youth' would be much more appropriate, but you try pitching an evil marketing campaign to the goddamn stuffed suits in New York. You have to lean into the values that define your brand, which is why my business cards are cursed to bring despair to whoever holds them. (I have Enrique my skeleton carry them for me. Skeletons feel despair but they're always smiling anyway so it doesn't bring down the mood.)
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Apr 1, 2017 21:12
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anyone have good recommendations for skeleton dentist / orthodontist? my minions have terrible smiles. i've looked into a group plan but the rates are planes of madness kind of insanity.
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Apr 1, 2017 22:57
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Have you tried seeing if your local necromancer will just do some boneshaping? I haven't really offered medical benefits per se for a long time, but I've paid necromancers to straighten up skeletal minions, and I've had flesh-shapers do some house visits to set broken limbs or suture up nasty cuts. Saves a lot of paperwork, at least, and it's not as expensive as carrying a Gold Sword Gold Shield group plan
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Apr 2, 2017 03:05
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Local PALadin here again. Just wanted to let you know that the Tipster program is up and running again; our budget shortfall has mostly been addressed. Remember, snitches get cold hard cash and a chance to win a MagiLev Sparrow self-propelled chariot!
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Apr 2, 2017 12:30
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gtfo paladin scum.
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Apr 2, 2017 18:22
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pee pee poo poo
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Apr 2, 2017 18:30
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vcvcvc12 posted:Local PALadin here again. Just wanted to let you know that the Tipster program is up and running again; our budget shortfall has mostly been addressed. Remember, snitches get cold hard cash and a chance to win a MagiLev Sparrow self-propelled chariot! Hey stupid arm of the law, don't you have some jaywalkers to smite and some slaves to recapture? That reminds me of an old joke. What's a Paladin's favorite season? Fall! Haha call me when you're a blackguard after pissing off whatever deity you worship by eating the wrong brand of canned salmon before noon.
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Apr 5, 2017 18:19
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Arkanomen posted:Hey stupid arm of the law, don't you have some jaywalkers to smite and some slaves to recapture? That reminds me of an old joke. What's a Paladin's favorite season? Fall! Haha call me when you're a blackguard after pissing off whatever deity you worship by eating the wrong brand of canned salmon before noon. Ah man, don't poo poo on the blackguards. One of my best lieutenants was a blackguard. Really it's just proof that with enough time, anyone can be convinced why our side is the best side. Admittedly, being Lawful Evil necessitates a few minor details get adjusted but it was worth it imo.
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Apr 6, 2017 00:11
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So apparently giving money to your minions as "charity" and setting up a company store doesn't work for getting tax breaks and now I gotta either sell off all the golem materials I "acquired" off the back of a wagon or ditch out of the country until they die of disease or whatever people like that do.
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Apr 6, 2017 04:06
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When you're young the sexy stuff is Fireball and Charm Person and Acid Arrow. Years later the really useful spells are Summon CPA III
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Apr 6, 2017 04:15
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Automatic Slim posted:When you're young the sexy stuff is Fireball and Charm Person and Acid Arrow. Years later the really useful spells are Summon CPA III  chain liability coverage and font of runny porridge are always good
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Apr 6, 2017 12:13
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Automatic Slim posted:When you're young the sexy stuff is Fireball and Charm Person and Acid Arrow. Years later the really useful spells are Summon CPA III also Contingency: Summon Lucifer's Lawyer for when you test the Laws and go too far :x btw do not go cheap on this, you might be thinking about getting Belial's Lawyer, but you really don't want a giant insect representing you
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Apr 6, 2017 14:51
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Right, the Lord of Lies is great for PR but don't even try that when navigating the Laws.
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Apr 6, 2017 15:20
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dear evil magycyyns- i am a tenth level druid, looking to explore the realms of chaos and destruction. I also have like, a fourth rank in bardery- college was a weird time. TELL me how to get evil fast!
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Apr 6, 2017 16:30
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PersonMan posted:dear evil magycyyns- Kick a dog. Seriously, just go find a nice dog in front of some good temple and give it a good punt. Doesn't have to be too hard, just has to be public. After that ride either the rage or shame spiral into a fuge state and you'll wake up two weeks later surrounded by dark tomes, demonic thots and crystals. So many evil crystals. Haven't figured out the crystal thing but man they are everywhere.
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Apr 6, 2017 16:48
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Have you considered declaring war on civilization to spread forests or whatever you tree huggers care about? While you aren't a wizards that's a pretty great way to be called evil and might get you some neat fell artifacts to check out.
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Apr 6, 2017 18:28
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Vim Fuego posted:I am a ripped wizard. I have no dump stat. I cast spells with my sick abs get rage aids and watch your muscles grow to omnipotent levels http://ihititwithmyaxe.tumblr.com/post/46007651740/breaking-dd-35-the-muscle-wizard-or-how-to
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Apr 6, 2017 18:31
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A druid? Start growing Kudzu in all the cities.
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Apr 6, 2017 19:09
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Johnny Aztec posted:A druid? Start growing Kudzu in all the cities. thats diabolical 
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Apr 6, 2017 19:42
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Summon flocks of Canadian Geese to poop on it all as well.
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Apr 6, 2017 19:43
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Geese are evil enough that summoning vast flocks into the city counts as a war crime in some provinces.
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Apr 6, 2017 20:53
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I'm gonna flood the market with marijuana grown under blood-moon lights, it causes wicked thoughts and idle hands. my deepest appreciation, but i don't wanna put my degree towards nothing, ya know?
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Apr 6, 2017 21:11
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Being a Canadian wizard is rife with bullshit. For instance: -learning incantations in both French and English -Everyone assuming you know ice magic It sucks. Only reason I stay here is I am trying to make a maple golem. I already made a golem out of pancake batter. I'm going for a whole food thing.
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Apr 6, 2017 21:17
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Numb Three Ers posted:Being a Canadian wizard is rife with bullshit. Yeah I got my start in the Rust Belt of America before moving on to other planes. There's still always someone in a crowd who asks if I can whip up a rust monster for his dungeon or some joker asking if my first necromantic construct was a scarecrow.
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Apr 6, 2017 21:32
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Skypie posted:Yeah I got my start in the Rust Belt of America before moving on to other planes. There's still always someone in a crowd who asks if I can whip up a rust monster for his dungeon or some joker asking if my first necromantic construct was a scarecrow. It was though right?
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Apr 6, 2017 21:33
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sneakyfrog posted:It was though right? Yeah 
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Apr 6, 2017 21:39
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Skypie posted:Yeah its cool dude mine was a snowman
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Apr 6, 2017 21:41
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ChaseSP posted:Have you considered declaring war on civilization to spread forests or whatever you tree huggers care about? While you aren't a wizards that's a pretty great way to be called evil and might get you some neat fell artifacts to check out. That's a dangerous game, though. What if it turns out the cities are industrial hellholes and there's a bunch of elves or hobbits infesting the woods? Before you know it you're the local grumpy but righteous druid fighting Captain Planet villains. The path to good is a slippery slope, you have to stay alert. Never play with nature magic, it's almost as bad as the loving gibbon talking about 'evil barding'. Song is inherently harmonic, dum-dums, harmony = GOOD. You're just asking for some beautiful and innocent maiden to ensnare your heart with her pure voice if you gently caress with it. What you want to do as an evil druid is diversify into disease. Yeah, disease is part of nature, but it's the evil part. Turn your forest into a swamp and invite in some evil subhumans (snake people are great for this), bam, you're a hag. Hagging is a great gig.
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Apr 6, 2017 22:02
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Tiny Deer posted:That's a dangerous game, though. What if it turns out the cities are industrial hellholes and there's a bunch of elves or hobbits infesting the woods? Before you know it you're the local grumpy but righteous druid fighting Captain Planet villains. is a male hag called a hag or a haggis?
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Apr 6, 2017 22:04
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sneakyfrog posted:is a male hag called a hag or a haggis? Fag hag.
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Apr 6, 2017 22:14
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Tiny Deer posted:Fag hag. I cant use that word anymore  or wait are all male hags gay? or is it like the guy that like merges last minute in front of you on an offramp?
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Apr 6, 2017 22:18
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Tiny Deer posted:That's a dangerous game, though. What if it turns out the cities are industrial hellholes and there's a bunch of elves or hobbits infesting the woods? Before you know it you're the local grumpy but righteous druid fighting Captain Planet villains. Hm, I don't know if I'd say song is inherently harmonic. There's a bard in the Lower Abyss doing a thesis titled "Cacophony and Discordant Rhythm and Their Practical Applications in the Subversion of the Righteous." Last I heard, he'd actually caused an innocent maiden test subject's hair to spontaneously transform from golden locks to a black mohawk.
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Apr 6, 2017 22:23
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Skypie posted:Hm, I don't know if I'd say song is inherently harmonic. There's a bard in the Lower Abyss doing a thesis titled "Cacophony and Discordant Rhythm and Their Practical Applications in the Subversion of the Righteous." Last I heard, he'd actually caused an innocent maiden test subject's hair to spontaneously transform from golden locks to a black mohawk. I got my start at a garage band concert and a famous noise-core evil bard who will go unnamed started me down my path of evil. gently caress, I was going to be a cleric when I grew up but after listening to the summoning chant in their album a few times I called up an imp in my bedroom. My mom caught me and I was able to play it off as "practicing my banishment hymns". She bought it to. Sorry Galvixus of the lower Pit, you were a good imp and didn't deserve me smiting you right there. Then again, morality is a false construct used to shackle the mortal mind away from greatness so, sorry not sorry.
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Apr 6, 2017 22:29
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sneakyfrog posted:I cant use that word anymore They're all gay in my experience, but I think it's more that gay evil wizards feel more comfortable going into a traditional witch role than straight evil wizards. Skypie posted:Hm, I don't know if I'd say song is inherently harmonic. There's a bard in the Lower Abyss doing a thesis titled "Cacophony and Discordant Rhythm and Their Practical Applications in the Subversion of the Righteous." Last I heard, he'd actually caused an innocent maiden test subject's hair to spontaneously transform from golden locks to a black mohawk. It doesn't count if they still end up doing it, and I bet my favorite vertebra that they ended up 'restringing their lutes' if you know what I mean. I'm just saying I've always seen screwing with song magic lead to nothing but happy endings. If that's how you want to risk going out, be my guest.
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Apr 6, 2017 22:32
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Tiny Deer posted:They're all gay in my experience, but I think it's more that gay evil wizards feel more comfortable going into a traditional witch role than straight evil wizards. Thats sad in my day we had manly as gently caress warlocks and they got all the witch-lich babes. i just never had the flair to get my hair right
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Apr 6, 2017 22:34
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sneakyfrog posted:Thats sad in my day we had manly as gently caress warlocks and they got all the witch-lich babes. I was really sad when they stopped doing the Witch-Lich calendars. I mean, I ended up kidnapping some local virgins and jamming their souls into random phylacteries to make my own calendars but it's a lot of work.
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Apr 6, 2017 22:37
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I used some of the leftover flesh from creating my skeleton minions to construct an actual fleshlight - it gets lonely in the tower. I think I may have a "wand" infection now, any good spells, elixirs, unguents or rituals to get rid of it (the infection, not the "wand")
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Apr 6, 2017 23:29
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Anybody ever animate a bone dragon or is that way more trouble than maintaining the average skeleton minion horde?
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Apr 6, 2017 23:31
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A Pack of Kobolds posted:Anybody ever animate a bone dragon or is that way more trouble than maintaining the average skeleton minion horde? I can't even handle horses! I mean live horses cost a LOT and then what, do you skeletonize them? Because no live horse will let a skeleton ride them I'll tell you that much. One time I tried combining several people skeletons into vaguely a horse shape (took 3 1/2 skeletons) and while the guys were SUPER enthusiastic about it and kept making horse noises and tramping all around it just didn't look right. Plus they couldn't decide which head was the horse head and they kept arguing. And the half a skeleton left over just sat in the corner sadly playing the xylophone on his rib cage I felt bad for him
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Apr 6, 2017 23:39
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naem posted:I can't even handle horses! I mean live horses cost a LOT and then what, do you skeletonize them? Because no live horse will let a skeleton ride them I'll tell you that much. If you are going to combine multiple bodies together you need to create a soul amalgam or use advanced soul binding techniques. Just don't create a soul amalgam out of multiple souls which are all as smart as you. There is a like a 40% chance that it will be a super genius who figures out how to break free of you. This goes double for dragons, who are almost always super smart. Realigning the soul binding on the bodies is harder, but produces a much more reliable servant.
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Apr 7, 2017 00:07
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