/r/relationships: Memento Mori Lasagna

The Something Awful Forums > Main > General Bullshit > /r/relationships: Memento Mori Lasagna

A Wizard of Goatse: Dec 14, 2014

GRINDCORE MEGGIDO posted:

One strange thing about relationships I've noticed is, talk to most people about them, and the response will be something like
"This person was an rear end in a top hat, this one was worse, I wasted a ton of effort trying to make that work".

Then when you have a breakup, the advice is almost always to get back together and hash it out. I just don't get advice from other people about relationships, it's almost universally terrible.

most unsolicited relationship, and really life in general, advice falls firmly under the umbrella of 'misery loves company'

# ? Apr 14, 2017 04:36

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# ? May 29, 2024 22:28

Pick: Jul 19, 2009; Nap Ghost

Everyone's told me wheelchair man is bad, this means he's good. Oh god thank you all. I really hoped my love would make it happen despite his best efforts

# ? Apr 14, 2017 04:38

GRINDCORE MEGGIDO: Feb 28, 1985

Pick posted:

Then what you're saying is that I should pursue Hugh!!

But my advice would also be terrible and automatic because I don't know the deal.
I don't know, man. Does he make you super happy and people around you say how happy you be?
Otherwise screw it.

It's more that the automatic response from most people I've ever said that to, is to try to reconcile it, rather then trying to find out exactly what's going on and actually listening first.

GRINDCORE MEGGIDO fucked around with this message at 04:59 on Apr 14, 2017

# ? Apr 14, 2017 04:39

therobit: Aug 19, 2008; I've been tryin' to speak with you for a long time

maskenfreiheit posted:

doesn't that leave like, snail trails on the poles

Each girl wipes the pole down with a sanitizer before her set at any decent club. Well actually none of them are decent but most are not so lovely that sanitizer isn't used.

# ? Apr 14, 2017 04:39

therobit: Aug 19, 2008; I've been tryin' to speak with you for a long time

Pick posted:

Everyone's told me wheelchair man is bad, this means he's good. Oh god thank you all. I really hoped my love would make it happen despite his best efforts

You are a master troll Pick. I applaud you.

# ? Apr 14, 2017 04:41

Pvt.Scott: Feb 16, 2007; What God wants, God gets, God help us all

A Wizard of Goatse posted:

most unsolicited relationship, and really life in general, advice falls firmly under the umbrella of 'misery loves company'

I try to give my honest best advice with the upfront caveat that I'm a goddamned moron, and that I often don't know one or more parties involved, so I don't know how important they are to the advice seeker. I give a few ways to look at the situation, what I would do and why, and ask them how they think they should approach things and leave it at that. Mostly I try to pry details out and ask them to explain why those are important and how those relate to the problem and try to gently steer them away from catastrophic actions if needed. I'm basically cribbing off of my therapist, to be truthful.

Oh wait, you said unsolicited. Yeah, that advice I give is terrible.

# ? Apr 14, 2017 04:49

Pvt.Scott: Feb 16, 2007; What God wants, God gets, God help us all

Pick posted:

Everyone's told me wheelchair man is bad, this means he's good. Oh god thank you all. I really hoped my love would make it happen despite his best efforts

Have you ever read Misery? Just do that. poo poo, the hard part is mostly done, he's already in a wheelchair.

# ? Apr 14, 2017 04:51

Haifisch: Nov 13, 2010; Objection! I object! That was... objectionable!; Taco Defender

My (18M) parents think I am gay because of a childhood incident, I am straight. I recently found out they told everyone in our family and others as well. How do I deal with this? I feel more shame and embarrassment than ever

quote:

When I was 13 I was on a thread and there was an obvious pic of a guy getting sucked off there. It wasn't a big deal, just another shitposter on a non-gay thread, I wasn't looking AT the photo, but it was on the thread, but my loving mom and sister BARGED in and saw it and also saw me quickly switch tabs... but i knew they saw it. They just quickly closed the door and I heard one say "oh my god".

Anyways, 3 days later they ask me to sit down and tell me... its fine for me to be gay. I told them im not gay, that was just someone posting a pic on the internet, and then they went on the whole "there isnt anything to be ashamed of!" route and I was like UMMM IM NOT GAY and got a bit mad. They took it as me getting more ashamed.

My parents are ultra liberals if you get what I mean and I kind of take it that they would LOVE to have a gay son. But this whole ordeal did not end there. It is brought up like once a month, that they are convinced Im gay, im just too ashamed to fully come out, that I am so deep in the closet that I cant even admit even when caught red handed. Sometimes I just say "you guys know im straight right" and they smile and just say "look sometimes it takes some time to admit things, we are always here when you need to talk" and it gets me so drat upset.. At one point my mom just yelled back at me "well then what kind of straight boy looks at images like that on the internet, huh! we checked your browser history and there is all types of poo poo on there!"

I checked what they looked at, and it was 4chan (dear god help my 15 year old self) and obviously there is a LOT of gay poo poo on 4chan. I realized that to them, this was absolute proof.

So its been 3 years since that whole ordeal of the shouting match. I almost forgot about it, I am a senior in high school although im going to local college. I actually work as a clothing model downtown which is nice although i barely get paid lmao.

I find out through my uncle, who is a teacher at my school, that he thinks I am gay as well. I have bullies at school, not REAL bullies but sometimes we kind of bully each other more like it, and my uncle/teacher came up to me and asked if i needed assistance or if they were bullying me because I was gay. My mouth just dropped. He acted as if it was common knowledge.

He was very confused, and I demanded who else knew that. Turns out, my parents have told everyone. My aunts and uncles know, my neighbor knows, my dads best friend, he just listed all the people who he has talked to about it with. I told him I wasn't gay, that I was straight as an arrow, and he just said "what? huh" and acted so drat confused. This has apparently been a topic of conversation with them. The clothing modeling thing, my 'feminine' looks (the only people to ever tell me this are my parents, I have a beard for crying out loud), it all plays into this loving mythical fantasy my parents have that I am gay. My parents have always been superficial loving hipsters. This has always been something between us that has broken boundaries and made me despise them, but this? This crosses the line, by a mile.

I just walked the gently caress out, red in the face, every rage filled cell in my body exploding. I haven't even gone home, its been 2 days, I haven't answered calls, nothing. I have just been in my car, sleeping in the back, filled with more rage than I can handle.

The thing is, I have slept with quite a few girls, 4 of which they have met. It comes with the job a lot of the time. I have had sex with them inside the house, and I am SURE my parents have heard at one point. So my worst suspicion is that they don't care if I am actually gay or not, they just want to parade me and my femininity (modeling, feminine looks etc) around as some badge of tolerance honor to my family. Who KNOWS who else they have told.

I literally want to scream, i can't stop feeling this rage. What the hell do I do? What am I supposed to do?

tl;dr: My parents think i am gay because of a childhood incident and have not let it go, and I found out they have told my entire family and neighbors.

4chan gay, so what

# ? Apr 14, 2017 05:01

Pick: Jul 19, 2009; Nap Ghost

Haifisch posted:

My (18M) parents think I am gay because of a childhood incident, I am straight. I recently found out they told everyone in our family and others as well. How do I deal with this? I feel more shame and embarrassment than ever

4chan gay, so what

hahahahahahahahahahahahahahhahaha

# ? Apr 14, 2017 05:03

GRINDCORE MEGGIDO: Feb 28, 1985

GRINDCORE MEGGIDO fucked around with this message at 06:12 on Apr 14, 2017

# ? Apr 14, 2017 05:04

DragQueenofAngmar: Dec 29, 2009; You shall not pass!

quote:

I actually work as a clothing model downtown which is nice although i barely get paid lmao.

# ? Apr 14, 2017 05:05

Pick: Jul 19, 2009; Nap Ghost

what a gay lamo

# ? Apr 14, 2017 05:07

girl pants: Sep 21, 2006; I feel a great disturbance in my pants

Haifisch posted:

My (18M) parents think I am gay because of a childhood incident, I am straight. I recently found out they told everyone in our family and others as well. How do I deal with this? I feel more shame and embarrassment than ever

4chan gay, so what

I hope this guy gets older and realizes that he actually is gay

# ? Apr 14, 2017 05:12

Haifisch: Nov 13, 2010; Objection! I object! That was... objectionable!; Taco Defender

Most of the replies are calling his parents narcissists and/or saying he should cut contact the instant he can move out on his own. Never change, reddit.

# ? Apr 14, 2017 05:14

Batterypowered7: Aug 8, 2009; The mist that chills you keeps me warm.

Maybe the kid was just on /b/, being an edgy teenager when he was 15, and people posted the type of poo poo that's always gotten posted there.

# ? Apr 14, 2017 05:16

Barudak: May 7, 2007

I think this guy just doesn't know what the word "gay" means.

# ? Apr 14, 2017 05:18

Pvt.Scott: Feb 16, 2007; What God wants, God gets, God help us all

Yeah, I'm gonna go ahead and actually believe OP on this one. My mom could have walked in any of the numerous times I've been unfortunate enough to open goatse or meatspin and the like, or just be reading a thread where some dork posted a NSFW pic a few posts up. I watched swap.avi with a buddy of mine all the way through as an endurance trial/shared suffering ritual. There could have been some misunderstandings.

# ? Apr 14, 2017 05:26

DragQueenofAngmar: Dec 29, 2009; You shall not pass!

Obviously his parents are being lovely, and there is nothing wrong with doing any of what he's doing and also being straight, but I think in the context of the story, his decision to take that job, while simultaneously really wishing his parents would believe him that he's not gay, while knowing them and having experienced their previous behavior; is, comedically, simply phenomenal

# ? Apr 14, 2017 05:34

GRINDCORE MEGGIDO: Feb 28, 1985

No idea if he's gay or not, but pretty sure he was searching that stuff out on 4chan.

# ? Apr 14, 2017 05:47

ArbitraryC: Jan 28, 2009; Pick a number, any number; Pillbug

i think having your entire sexuality invalidated by your parents would feel p lovely and they are kinda garbo for not taking the p simple explanation of "people post those things in an attempt to shock other users of the forums".

# ? Apr 14, 2017 05:47

ArbitraryC: Jan 28, 2009; Pick a number, any number; Pillbug

GRINDCORE MEGGIDO posted:

No idea if he's gay or not, but pretty sure he was searching that stuff out on 4chan.

how can you say that when this is a forum that when goatse is a meme on our very own forums

# ? Apr 14, 2017 05:48

Haifisch: Nov 13, 2010; Objection! I object! That was... objectionable!; Taco Defender

Also if he actually was gay, it'd still be really lovely for his parents to tell half the town about it.

Like, "don't out someone unless they say you can" is Being A Good Friend to Gay People 101.

Still funny that he doesn't realize this is probably coming off as him protesting too much, though.

# ? Apr 14, 2017 05:49

Pick: Jul 19, 2009; Nap Ghost

DragQueenofAngmar posted:

Obviously his parents are being lovely, and there is nothing wrong with doing any of what he's doing and also being straight, but I think in the context of the story, his decision to take that job, while simultaneously really wishing his parents would believe him that he's not gay, while knowing them and having experienced their previous behavior; is, comedically, simply phenomenal

# ? Apr 14, 2017 05:50

ArbitraryC: Jan 28, 2009; Pick a number, any number; Pillbug

wanting your kid to be gay as some sort of fashion statement like they're a purse dog is super loving gross imo

# ? Apr 14, 2017 05:51

GRINDCORE MEGGIDO: Feb 28, 1985

ArbitraryC posted:

i think having your entire sexuality invalidated by your parents would feel p lovely and they are kinda garbo for not taking the p simple explanation of "people post those things in an attempt to shock other users of the forums".

It does really suck. My ma gave me the "are you gay" talk in her typically agressive way when I was 16 or so, because I was single :downs:

ArbitraryC posted:

how can you say that when this is a forum that when goatse is a meme on our very own forums

I assumed they looked at his history and didn't think it was random browsing based on the post titles, or whatever 4chan does. They're idiots though so who knows.

LOL at the thought of explaining Goatse to my ma.

GRINDCORE MEGGIDO fucked around with this message at 06:11 on Apr 14, 2017

# ? Apr 14, 2017 05:51

ArbitraryC: Jan 28, 2009; Pick a number, any number; Pillbug

weirdest part is this dude has boned 4 diff women by 18, statistically he's had more success in his straight relationships than most college students, 4 year years early.

# ? Apr 14, 2017 05:59

ArbitraryC: Jan 28, 2009; Pick a number, any number; Pillbug

maybe he should just start loving his sidepieces in communal areas of the house until his parents relent

# ? Apr 14, 2017 06:01

Haifisch: Nov 13, 2010; Objection! I object! That was... objectionable!; Taco Defender

Engagement Ring Fail

quote:

So I went to the store today to buy an engagement / wedding ring with my GF. I had planned to spend about $2,500-$3,000, and we had made an appointment with a store that had some dimond wholesalers that had come into town from out of state. We had both agreed in advance to spend about $3,000.

The dimonds/settings they showed ended up being more expensive than I thought they would be. The ring she wanted was $4,500, which was a little more than I was wanting (but not necessarily willing) to spend. But I bought it anyway, because that was the ring she wanted. She ended up getting upset at me afterwards (immediately after buying the ring) for not being more enthusiastic about buying the ring, and essentially being a cheapskate. I am 34, she is 27. We live together. She is a social worker. I make about three times what she does.

some redditor posted:

Numerical values in OP's post: 7
Words in post expressing OP's emotions: 0

OP posted:

EDIT: For those saying I spent way too much time concentrating on numbers. I immediately made a tabulation of the amount of time I spend analyzing stocks and financial data and tabulated this against the amount of times I would typically demonstrate an emotional reponse to something happening in my daily life. I then analyzed my response to say... an slight downward tick in a stock's P/E ratio versus a furry kitten doing something especially cute. I graphically compared the response to the stock data versus the furry kitten, and calculated the amount of furry kittens I could buy if the Dow Industrial index jumped by 15.5 percent. Then, I took a crap, because I had way too much coffee this morning, and coffee typically wrecks havoc with my bowels. I estimate the combined weight of my bowel movement at 2.2 pounds. Later, I became distracted by a fight that was taking place between two bums across the street from my office. As I cheered the underdog bum, his opponent knocked him on the head with an empty Snapple bottle, which cost the bum $1.79 retail. Police came. I counted 15 police officers and a single german shepard with large, pointy teeth. 32 teeth. The bums were arrested and the 15 police and one german shepard departed. I then continued my kitten/stock analysis. I then called up my fiance to tell her I was going to 'get all up 'n her businez tonite.' She was like, 'hell yah, for sho' and I was like 'Fo shizzle', and then she was like 'Boi, you ain't got no drammer wit da funk-tastic shizzle, yo bear.' I wasn't sure why were talking like white people in the 80s wanted black people to talk, but it greatly disturbed me. I'm not sure where this is going, other than I'm definitely getting up into some buisiness later tonight, but if anyone wants a couple hundred pictures of furry kittens doing cute things, send me your e-mail address and I promise not to post it on 4chan.

# ? Apr 14, 2017 06:03

A Wizard of Goatse: Dec 14, 2014

Haifisch posted:

My (18M) parents think I am gay because of a childhood incident, I am straight. I recently found out they told everyone in our family and others as well. How do I deal with this? I feel more shame and embarrassment than ever

4chan gay, so what

Pick posted:

hahahahahahahahahahahahahahhahaha

# ? Apr 14, 2017 06:08

DragQueenofAngmar: Dec 29, 2009; You shall not pass!

okay, what's the secret searchword

# ? Apr 14, 2017 06:08

Haifisch: Nov 13, 2010; Objection! I object! That was... objectionable!; Taco Defender

4chan. It took me a minute to figure out how it brought up that engagement ring story.

# ? Apr 14, 2017 06:09

A Wizard of Goatse: Dec 14, 2014

Haifisch posted:

Most of the replies are calling his parents narcissists and/or saying he should cut contact the instant he can move out on his own. Never change, reddit.

wait where is this I couldn't find it and figured it was deleted

# ? Apr 14, 2017 06:14

GRINDCORE MEGGIDO: Feb 28, 1985

Haifisch posted:

Engagement Ring Fail

You know exactly what we're all thinking about this guy.

# ? Apr 14, 2017 06:17

ArbitraryC: Jan 28, 2009; Pick a number, any number; Pillbug

GRINDCORE MEGGIDO posted:

You know exactly what we're all thinking about this guy.

He seems kinda boned. Like 3k is already way more than who isn't exceedingly rich should be spending on jewelry but clever marketing has turned the issue into "love can only be demonstrated with cold hard cash" so he should just sorta suck up spending an addition 1.5

# ? Apr 14, 2017 06:21

Pick: Jul 19, 2009; Nap Ghost

A guy doesn't need to be excited to buy the rock as such.

# ? Apr 14, 2017 06:26

Pick: Jul 19, 2009; Nap Ghost

That said, she's a social worker, does she do the movement girls do where they put up their hair but don't

# ? Apr 14, 2017 06:26

GRINDCORE MEGGIDO: Feb 28, 1985

I'm glad he mentioned her income is less then his, as now we know all the relevant numbers.

# ? Apr 14, 2017 06:31

Pick: Jul 19, 2009; Nap Ghost

I'd be afraid to have a Pnurtis of my own because I'm cheap and I bet I'd marry someone who is cheap and I'd be perfectly happy with a ring made of pressed bone meal, but if I had a little Pnurtis I'd just want to get it all the perfect stuff, really good stuff :qq:

# ? Apr 14, 2017 06:35

ArbitraryC: Jan 28, 2009; Pick a number, any number; Pillbug

GRINDCORE MEGGIDO posted:

I'm glad he mentioned her income is less then his, as now we know all the relevant numbers.

it's kind of paradoxical but in my experience the more money the women i am dating earns the less money she expects me to throw at the relationship as some sort of proof of love/affection. I've been dating a prof for a couple years now and she is the absolute chilliest person I've dated when it comes to mutual finances.

# ? Apr 14, 2017 06:39

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# ? May 29, 2024 22:28

Psycho Society: Oct 21, 2010

where did the name pnurtis come from

# ? Apr 14, 2017 06:40

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