ArbitraryC posted:

It's just weird to me cause i had such a good therapist when I was younger (depressed after death of immediate family) and he really helped pull my head out of my rear end rather than just validating my terrible view of the world. I guess maybe I got lucky.

I Was The Fury posted:

Pick posted:

I got one who was like "Wow your situation is crazy and you're handling it better than I thought possible, no one else could do this and no one could do it better" and that was the worst thing anyone could ever have told me. thanks rear end in a top hat.

Pick posted:

I know ironicat, but the guy who giving me a hard time about, talked about how his ex openly cheated on him repeatedly and then eventually dumped him. But he'd always be talking about her, five years later. And it's like, do you recognize that this person betrayed you and then threw you away? They were only dating for like a year I think anyway. That's 5x time, reminiscing over a person who mistreated you.

ThePeavstenator posted:

Therapists are really great for referring you to psychiatrists who can actually help by doing the exact same amount of listening but also prescribing drugs.

GRINDCORE MEGGIDO posted:

When coping skills go wrong. Now, I'd see reminiscing about that as a giant red flag and wouldn't pass go. I can understand why people handle bad things in terrible ways, but emotionally I can't deal with it.

Who What Now posted:

I have both a therapist and psychiatrist and both help me immensely in different ways.

Pick posted:

Well I'd known him for many years before that, so in my mind I was like "Hopefully he'll come to his senses and return to being the person I used to admire so much."

COMRADES posted:

e: Like for real it ranges from PhD holding people with hundreds of hours spent with another psychologist in the room observing sessions before practicing on their own to people who will try to heal you with crystals.

Jeffrey of YOSPOS posted:

Wait can I just start offering therapy if I want to? I've helped dozens of people on line, or at least I would have, if they'd thought to check the /r/relationships thread on something awful dot com.

I Was The Fury posted:

Gumbel2Gumbel posted:

A lot of times idiots pine after the most attractive girl they dated. I was like that for awhile because I kept on dating the most attractive women I could find and it always ended up predictably.

Jeffrey of YOSPOS posted:

Wait can I just start offering therapy if I want to? I've helped dozens of people on line, or at least I would have, if they'd thought to check the /r/relationships thread on something awful dot com.

Pick posted:

If you're a shy guy in a wheelchair, go to one of the most liberal colleges in the USA. You'll get at least 7 months of a really hot girl who thinks your terrible treatment of other people is because no one has ever given you a chance to reveal the beautiful gentle flower you are inside. This will drive her insane as you regularly treat her like garbage no matter what you do. Then you go out and gently caress some normal guys and realize sometimes the reason someone is a recluse is because they're incredibly mean.

Tiny Deer posted:

I have had one good therapist (put of...three, so it's not statistically significant at all) who was so good she tricked me into staying in a healthy and happy relationship even though I was a huge terrified dummy who wanted to run away.

For that reason alone I recommend trying therapy until you find a non-bad therapist. Good ones are so good at making you say 'Oh, God, I'm kind of a bad person with bad ideas' and then helping you realize you need to fix them.

A therapist alone will never help, though. You have to want to follow the advice.

Charles Get-Out posted:

I like the pronoun switch partway through that implies this happened to you

COMRADES posted:

There are many bad therapists and you gotta look at someone's credentials quite thoroughly. Turns out it's super easy to skirt any laws that might exist (can't quite remember at the moment what they are if any) and poo poo tons of unqualified dumbos with a bachelor's in psychology out there are calling themselves therapists.

You gotta shop around a bit with therapists anyway, even a qualified person might not click with you.

(Have a psychologist in the family.)


e: Like for real it ranges from PhD holding people with hundreds of hours spent with another psychologist in the room observing sessions before practicing on their own to people who will try to heal you with crystals.

quote:

To begin, thanks so much in advance for your kind help and advice. I generally have problems with anxiety and a little paranoia from time to time. My girlfriend and I have been dating for about 9 months now and it's been going very well.

She's had a bit of a troubled past, including a crazy ex-boyfriend who cheated on her and was very controlling. He overdosed on drugs and took his own life, that happened about a year ago (just 3 months before we met) I understand that they were quite close -- they dated on and off for about 3 years. He was sort of her first and only real boyfriend before me.

Fast forward to today... I went into her pocketbook to retrieve a hotel card I put there earlier. I noticed a very small, square-shaped vacuum sealed bag which turned out to be her ex's ashes. Attached to the other side is a photo of him with "fiancee" written on it. According to her they were never engaged.

I want to ask her about this, it makes me feel a bit uneasy that she has a need to take his ashes wherever she goes. Sometimes when she brings him up, I feel like she still has strong feelings for him, but at the same time I can tell she really likes me too.

What would you do in this situation? Maybe it's best to let it go for now, give her time to finish coping and then she'll be able to let go fully? I really can't imagine dating someone or getting engaged to them while they carry pieces of their ex around everywhere. :/

TL:DR: My girlfriend has been carrying her ex's ashes with her and I feel a little weirded out. What should I do?

Dienes posted:

Provided LA boobjob therapist exists (and I doubt it, its just an easy way to pre-emptively argue against being called a shitheel), this is probably the tack they were taking. Like....

"I can't commit unless she has bigger tits."
"And if she got a boob job, so she had bigger tits?"
"Well that wouldn't work because they are fake."
"So she can't physically change her body in a way that will make you comfortable with a commitment?"
"No, I guess I'm a shallow piece of poo poo and need to work on that." or "Maybe I'm coming up with excuses to avoid commitment." or "Yeah, that sounds kinda irrational."

And instead the boyfriend doubled down with "I must tell her her tits are too small for love."

Who What Now posted:

"Turned into"? "Kinda"?

Charles Get-Out posted:

I like the pronoun switch partway through that implies this happened to you

quote:

My worlds are colliding.

I married very young to "Cindy" and we had a tumultuous 3 1/2 years of marriage. She and I were never right for one another and we were too young and silly and "in love" to realize that. She began a long-term affair with "Lamar". Eventually, she left me for him, and I was divorced at the whopping age of 23.

I moved on, did many of the things I had always wanted to do, got the education I wanted and then got re-married 4 years ago to my current wife "Samantha." Sam and I have a much better, more easy-going marriage. I'm happier than I've ever been, and we have a great little family. Last year, we had twin girls! So much work, but we love it. Can't complain about life at all.

Just after the kids were born, Hurricane Cindy blew through town. Cindy and Lamar are still together, living in our old town, and apparently very happy. She wanted to apologize for how she ended things - she left me a note and then I never heard from or saw her again. Her family handled all of the legal proceedings and we never set eyes on one another again. She came over, brought gifts for the kids & my wife (I'm still waiting for her to return my watch, but I digress) I accepted her apologies and got her the hell out of my house.

But, somehow she sort of stayed in contact with Samantha, much to my chagrin. When they first visited, Cindy said she and Lamar were trying for kids, but weren't pregnant. Over the last couple of months, my wife has reported that FB posts have included IVF, doctors visits, re-posting infertility blogs, etc. I know it's callous, but I frankly don't care. She and Lamar are grown-ups.

Anyway, Cindy and Lamar moved much closer to where we live, within a 10 minute drive (ugh). They popped by on Sunday to give some candy and gifts, you know, the usual, oh and ask if my wife would carry their baby. Happy Easter!

I kindly told them that it was out of the question, but if they left quickly, they wouldn't get stuck in the rain. My wife wants to think about it. I asked her what there was to think about, there's no better revenge than revenge served with a side of stay out of my life. She's my ex-wife, I don't want her in my life and I don't want her in our suburb.

My wife..... is thinking about this as if it were her. She keeps saying how she would have gone to great lengths to have kids, and she can't imagine not being able to have children. She's actually considering carrying a baby for my ex-wife and the man she had an affair with. I feel like this is a gross over-stepping of boundaries, but my wife wants us to stop and talk about this at another time.

Am I being unreasonable here? Is there really anything to consider?

First, neither my ex nor Lamar are well-to-do, and I doubt they really have the resources to truly cover the expenses involved, so there's that. Moreover, I just don't want my wife going through another pregnancy that is ultimately unnecessary. We'd like to have more kids, and this would push us out by a few years. I feel like, again, my ex makes unreasonable requests and people just seem to give in.

tl;dr: My ex-wife and her husband cannot conceive children on their own and are asking my wife to be a surrogate for them. I have categorically shut the door to it, but my wife wants to consider their request. Am I being unreasonable in saying no to this?