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Rayjenkins posted:At first this news shook me real bad, but this is actually great for me. I'll live forever and gain access to a major market that few people dare to tread. I'll learn of non-Euclidean business paradigms. I'll be thinking outside the tesseract! The innsmouth look is a small price to pay for immortality and financial security. and heeere comes the pitch - "i'll share all these secrets and more for the small price of 9999 gold pieces! just warp them directly to (36.83537, -85.43432, 74.32222)" why are you feeding this dude ark? are you colluding or some poo poo? if so i guess i approve, pretty evil also i realized the deep ones actually specifically refer to the gibbering fish idiots and not the beings they worship. i conflated them earlier and that was pretty crass of me, just because we're evil doesn't make it okay to be willfully ignorant
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Apr 15, 2017 18:55
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Knowing dark secrets man was not meant to know is kind of our thing. Speaking of which, what is it with that Chinese place on the Astral plane? There's no way they can be making a profit. A full meal with dessert and tea for a single silver piece? Whatever dark power the manager has made a deal with, I want in.
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Apr 15, 2017 19:19
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fbsw posted:and heeere comes the pitch - "i'll share all these secrets and more for the small price of 9999 gold pieces! just warp them directly to (36.83537, -85.43432, 74.32222)" What pitch? Although I must admit these are some door-opening secrets I'm now privy to. Imagine being able to pay off your otherworldly debts in but a few centuries, or finally having the power to build that dream lair on the elemental plane of vacation homes? Hell with enough can-do spirit you could own your very own elemental plane of vacations! Now am I going to give out these secrets for free? I wouldn't be a very good accounting clerk if I did, but what I can do is set up an account at the firm I do all of my financial transactions through. You can forward all business inquiries at 47°9′S 126°43′W.
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Apr 15, 2017 19:31
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Eela6 posted:Knowing dark secrets man was not meant to know is kind of our thing. They have a time loop where they serve the same batch of food to every customer over and over (that's why it's so good)
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Apr 15, 2017 19:34
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Rayjenkins posted:What pitch? Although I must admit these are some door-opening secrets I'm now privy to. Imagine being able to pay off your otherworldly debts in but a few centuries, or finally having the power to build that dream lair on the elemental plane of vacation homes? Hell with enough can-do spirit you could own your very own elemental plane of vacations! Now am I going to give out these secrets for free? I wouldn't be a very good accounting clerk if I did, but what I can do is set up an account at the firm I do all of my financial transactions through. You can forward all business inquiries at 47°9′S 126°43′W. somebody plz send an army of zombies to that location i don't have the mats atm
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Apr 15, 2017 19:36
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Eela6 posted:Devils aren't just capital-E Evil, they're jerks, through and through. They have a commitment to petty evil that's admirable in its own way. You may be (you totally are, I'm being polite and understated here) confusing demons and devils there. A devil usually waits for and acts upon the conditions in a legally binding contract, a demon does whatever you leave an opening for. This is D&D 101, guys. Arkanomen posted:Yup, that's a pretty common problem. When working on the material plane you have to understand balance and how going full public super evil for too long causes the pendulum to swing back. Heroic bands suddenly appear using powers way outside mortal means, dependable servants suddenly lose their minds and become useless and the walls of power and fear you've spent ages building start to give way to hope and goodness. Keep The Laws, and you won't have to vaycay on another plane so often. The senile old man lich is a nice touch. Power_of_the_glory posted:Honestly, in this situation it is best to let them think they have won and that you have been vanquished for all time. Disappear for a few decades and let the now saved kingdom enter a new golden age. Return and before the heroes realize you have begun to regain your power, murder them in front of their children. Let the children escape because their is no way they can ever be a threat to you. Oh, oh buddy, no. You gotta murder them kiddies too, only the ones who get away have no combat or magical skills to speak of and are therefore safe. Skypie posted:I think if you've identified that The Balance is swinging away from you, you're not in a bad spot. It's a good tip off not to burn your powerful resources first. It can be difficult and time-consuming to force it back your way so you may be better served by playing the cosmic narrative to what I call the "mid season finale." Worry about The Balance once you've gotten a hang of The Laws. The Balance requires a good Laws foundation to be exploitable in your favor. Skypie posted:Well I mean this is why it's important to follow The Laws. You might be doing some nasty evil, but the gods can't directly intervene if you're not objectively crossing lines.  You get it.Mad Hamish posted:Dude, how have you not realized that you're stuck in a narrative? Did you have an inspector come by to check for excessive deposits of narrativium before you built your mountaintop doom fortress? Like poo poo man, what did you expect? I'll bet at this point the narrative is so strong that when the villagers in the valley below look up to the spiked turrets of your lair in superstitious terror, lightning flashes and thunder rolls, regardless of how nice the weather is.
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Apr 15, 2017 19:36
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fbsw posted:somebody plz send an army of zombies to that location i don't have the mats atm It's a shame you can't afford the armies that you so desire, but you could if you were privy to the non-Euclidean investing strategies of the Deep Ones. And even better, it's but a fraction of the cost of those armies! Think of what you could buy with your newfound financial freedom.
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Apr 15, 2017 19:44
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CAPT. Rainbowbeard posted:You may be (you totally are, I'm being polite and understated here) confusing demons and devils there. A devil usually waits for and acts upon the conditions in a legally binding contract, a demon does whatever you leave an opening for.  Sure, buddy. naem posted:They have a time loop where they serve the same batch of food to every customer over and over (that's why it's so good) That's genius! I can't wait to go back.
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Apr 15, 2017 19:44
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naem posted:They have a time loop where they serve the same batch of food to every customer over and over (that's why it's so good) Time loops can be a lot of fun. I have a date I go back to once a year. It's when a hero failed to stop me from sacrificing his maiden, and he had to watch her sink into an infernal nexus. I quickly wrapped the whole thing in a time loop so he's doomed to repeat his failure until I get bored of it. It's just...so savory. Sometimes I go back with a nice picnic basket and a good ale. Took a fallen druidess there on a date once.
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Apr 15, 2017 19:59
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EMERGENCY MY PISS IS INVISIBLE WHAT HAPPENED
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Apr 15, 2017 22:25
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Peanut Butler posted:EMERGENCY MY PISS IS INVISIBLE WHAT HAPPENED Eat a rat. Just like, pick up a rat (live one) and eat it. Trust me this fixes it.
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Apr 15, 2017 22:26
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fbsw posted:Eat a rat. Just like, pick up a rat (live one) and eat it. Trust me this fixes it. You gotta eat the whole rat, though. Miss even a single hair or piece of dander and it wont work. Soul too.
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Apr 15, 2017 22:38
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Peanut Butler posted:EMERGENCY MY PISS IS INVISIBLE WHAT HAPPENED Where did you stick your dick last. Did you plunge some spirit creature without an astral-condom?
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Apr 15, 2017 23:17
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Who What Now posted:You gotta eat the whole rat, though. Miss even a single hair or piece of dander and it wont work. Soul too. oh yeah and make sure you let it bite your dick first. that part is probably the MOST important. if it doesn't work you'll have to get another rat and get it to bite even harder.
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Apr 15, 2017 23:21
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Arkanomen posted:Where did you stick your dick last. Did you plunge some spirit creature without an astral-condom? Ah man, an old buddy went on a bender in the Spirit Plane back in my mage college days. He came back, picked up a sorceress in the bar, brings her back to our place. He screams at the top of his lungs and runs out of the room, butt rear end naked and she comes out next in tears from laughing. Some spirit-thing he porked turned his dick invisible. Whole thing. He looked like a eunuch. To this day, he still occasionally gets called "Balrek the Dickless"
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Apr 15, 2017 23:55
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Eela6 posted:
Hey, I don't Make The Laws, I just Keep Them. Do what thou wilt and all, man. Just don't come crying to us when a demon is using your spleen for a prophylactic.
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Apr 17, 2017 13:24
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Who What Now posted:You gotta eat the whole rat, though. Miss even a single hair or piece of dander and it wont work. Soul too. Who doesn't do this at least once a day? I prefer to change into a snake first, because it adds a nice thematic touch which really helps with sympathetic casting. Although I usually have a side of mashed potatos and some green beans, like how mom used to make. I wish I hadn't exiled her to the Void Zone. 
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Apr 17, 2017 13:51
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You guys really need to stop hating on us part fish people. My grandfather was a deep one and I am proud of my heritage. Being able to live underwater has helped me evade most curious adventure seekers. Most heroes don't want to deal with the oceans what so ever. The few that do are usually too stupid to realize that wearing full plate armor while on deck of their ship is suicide. I have dragged many would be heroes to their doom with just a few simple summoned tentacles. Nothing is more satisfying that watching a Paladin try to remove their armor while they are drowning (most don't even put any points into swimming anyway). I probably have more wealth and souls than all of you and I have never had to make a deal with any abyssal beings or become a lich (because I am already immortal due to my eldritch heritage).
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Apr 17, 2017 15:27
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Any interdimensional travelers here? What would be a more efficient method of moving a giant undead army to one of the infernal planes, opening a portal directly from one of my places of power, or plane shifting to my destination and summoning from there? It should be noted that while I am an accomplished summoner, I am not quite as skilled at sending things to other planes. Oh I can banish things with the best of them, but only one person/monster at a time.
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Apr 17, 2017 16:12
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Power_of_the_glory posted:You guys really need to stop hating on us part fish people. My grandfather was a deep one and I am proud of my heritage. Being able to live underwater has helped me evade most curious adventure seekers. Most heroes don't want to deal with the oceans what so ever. The few that do are usually too stupid to realize that wearing full plate armor while on deck of their ship is suicide. I have dragged many would be heroes to their doom with just a few simple summoned tentacles. Nothing is more satisfying that watching a Paladin try to remove their armor while they are drowning (most don't even put any points into swimming anyway). I probably have more wealth and souls than all of you and I have never had to make a deal with any abyssal beings or become a lich (because I am already immortal due to my eldritch heritage). There's not enough gold in the elemental plane of wealth that would make smelling like low tide at the pier 24/7 and looking like a Chinatown market special worthwhile.
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Apr 17, 2017 16:21
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Look summoning demons and controlling them with virgin sacrifices is one thing but racism isn't cool. There are plenty of methods to cover-up undesired stenches. E: I don't care if some of you more extreme label me as a Social Justice Wizard because petty infighting is a waste of tjme and should be kept to the other evil groups.
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Apr 17, 2017 16:31
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Arkanomen posted:There's not enough gold in the elemental plane of wealth that would make smelling like low tide at the pier 24/7 and looking like a Chinatown market special worthwhile. I thought that too before the change came. To be honest when I was still "human" I was just a mediocre evil wizard who depended way too heavily on skeletons and fireballs. When I first started getting the classic Innsmouth look, I originally thought that life would not be worth living. But now that I have embraced the new me, I have reached a far greater potential than I ever could back when I was mortal. I may not have my evil castle anymore, but I now rule the entire Bermuda Triangle and have kept it with little effort during the past centuries. I could show you so many wondrous things but I doubt your sanity could handle it.
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Apr 17, 2017 16:52
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Goddamn I shoulda teleported to work today but didn't wanna waste regs. Of course the trains are hosed.
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Apr 17, 2017 17:00
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sweet geek swag posted:Any interdimensional travelers here? What would be a more efficient method of moving a giant undead army to one of the infernal planes, opening a portal directly from one of my places of power, or plane shifting to my destination and summoning from there? It should be noted that while I am an accomplished summoner, I am not quite as skilled at sending things to other planes. Oh I can banish things with the best of them, but only one person/monster at a time. dash a transportation token (something inanimate but large) with mountain lilly, it'll keep the portal open for a longer period of time. Cotton will expand the entrance for larger transportation jobs. You'll definitely want to play with the proportions, but don't use too much of either reagent. Portals which are too big may begin to gain a gravitational quality which will suck things in. The big problem with this is that, after a while, objects will be sucked into one side, ejected at the other, then sucked back in before they get too far from the portal. After the portal has grown large enough, objects will begin to exhibit a "swinging" behavior as they move from one side of the portal to the other, then back again. When the portal finally closes, these objects will be ejected like projectiles and may injure standerbys. It's all fun and games until your undead army becomes another bone fiesta Fun Fact of the day: Cottoning a portal is doubly-effective when the cotton is picked by Welpshire Imps! unpleasantly turgid fucked around with this message at 17:08 on Apr 17, 2017 |
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Apr 17, 2017 17:02
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this wouldn't be so bad except I NEED TO SEE MY PISS TO DO MAGIC it's not normal invisible either, getting nothing on my Looking Glass of Magog fbsw posted:Eat a rat. Just like, pick up a rat (live one) and eat it. Trust me this fixes it. fbsw posted:oh yeah and make sure you let it bite your dick first. that part is probably the MOST important. if it doesn't work you'll have to get another rat and get it to bite even harder. I got twelve rats in before gently caress you Arkanomen posted:Where did you stick your dick last. Did you plunge some spirit creature without an astral-condom? this was my first thought but I've been in the habit of loving 100% non-magical pumpkins for centuries now one time a pumpkin turned out to be enchanted but it just made my parts smell like peppermint for a year, it was kinda nice
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Apr 17, 2017 17:04
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Power_of_the_glory posted:I thought that too before the change came. To be honest when I was still "human" I was just a mediocre evil wizard who depended way too heavily on skeletons and fireballs. When I first started getting the classic Innsmouth look, I originally thought that life would not be worth living. But now that I have embraced the new me, I have reached a far greater potential than I ever could back when I was mortal. I may not have my evil castle anymore, but I now rule the entire Bermuda Triangle and have kept it with little effort during the past centuries. I could show you so many wondrous things but I doubt your sanity could handle it. I gently caress shoggoths in a gimp suit made from the still living remains of helpless adventurers and I still think that fish-people are icky, no sanity required for that. I mean, if finally growing into your fish fursona got you the confidence to try out some higher level spells then more power to you!
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Apr 17, 2017 17:17
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Peanut Butler posted:this wouldn't be so bad except I NEED TO SEE MY PISS TO DO MAGIC
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Apr 17, 2017 17:23
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Eela6 posted:I can't believe I'm saying this but you might want to see a cleric. Keep your face covered and pay in cash. I was worried about that, guh I'll hit up the secret temple underneath The Horse's Meow, its full of idiots who think good is as bad as evil- got a drinking buddy there who is also geas'd to not tell anyone about my hovel, but man undead I don't like pulling from that Jenga tower
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Apr 17, 2017 18:51
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Anyone have any tips on how to deal with pirates? I stole a drunk pirate captain's ship and now he is trying to reclaim it. This drunk mumbling pirate some how stumbles his way out of all my traps. I just can't stop him. He has stolen my magic compass and has teamed up with the son of a blacksmith in an uneasy alliance. Any ideas?
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Apr 17, 2017 19:20
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Power_of_the_glory posted:Anyone have any tips on how to deal with pirates? I stole a drunk pirate captain's ship and now he is trying to reclaim it. This drunk mumbling pirate some how stumbles his way out of all my traps. I just can't stop him. He has stolen my magic compass and has teamed up with the son of a blacksmith in an uneasy alliance. Any ideas? Curse him by offering and unlimited source of his his vice. Make him a magical ever-full tankard of grog but all who drink from it are cursed to give the best drunk ever experienced once and then after it never gets them drunk again and they become addicted to the drink so they all start fighting over it. Make some huge myth about some ancient pirate forging it out of a turtle sheep and mermaid tit-milk and it's your prized possession. Just watch he'll lose his loving trying to get that mug. A 100 years will pass and you'll just be laughing at the ever increasing list of pirates that succumbed to fighting over to what amounts to a 5 copper novelty Mug full of Magical Heroin laced grog.
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Apr 17, 2017 19:44
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Power_of_the_glory posted:You guys really need to stop hating on us part fish people. My grandfather was a deep one and I am proud of my heritage. Being able to live underwater has helped me evade most curious adventure seekers. Most heroes don't want to deal with the oceans what so ever. The few that do are usually too stupid to realize that wearing full plate armor while on deck of their ship is suicide. I have dragged many would be heroes to their doom with just a few simple summoned tentacles. Nothing is more satisfying that watching a Paladin try to remove their armor while they are drowning (most don't even put any points into swimming anyway). I probably have more wealth and souls than all of you and I have never had to make a deal with any abyssal beings or become a lich (because I am already immortal due to my eldritch heritage). It really sounds like you're
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Apr 18, 2017 01:26
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Making deals with Abyssals and trying to score the better contract is, like, half the fun. Yeah sure any of us could build an underwater lair and drown idiots, but why cruise by on easy mode? Have some pride in your work, man. Who cares if you got gold and souls if you're just gonna putz around on the sea floor waiting for elder gods to return?
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Apr 18, 2017 01:40
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Hey all, your favorite Paladin here again. You know what I just discovered? When a paladin puts on a Helm of Opposite Alignment, their alignment changes, but the "lose their Paladin powers" part is bypassed! Case in point: Me. So I figured, staying a Paladin for now is probably a good idea seeing as everyone trusts me as a result. So I figured I would ask: What kinds of stuff would you do with this kind of opportunity? I'm kinda new to the whole being evil thing, and I want to get some mileage out of this before the Paladin powers go away.
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Apr 23, 2017 03:14
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you better milk those powers for all their worth before your DM sobers up friend.
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Apr 23, 2017 12:28
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vcvcvc12 posted:Hey all, your favorite Paladin here again. It's time for some good old fashioned crusading! Pick a maligned and misunderstood group to blame for the ills of the world and have at it!
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Apr 23, 2017 12:46
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http://i.imgur.com/uGqtZ47.mp4
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Apr 24, 2017 12:33
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better find an evil god to worship cause with that 8 int you're not gonna be a wizard enemy.
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Apr 25, 2017 00:31
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Not only am I jealous of this kid's amazing finger powers, I am also jealous of his hair and denim jacket. This kid is cooler than I'll ever be.
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Apr 25, 2017 03:28
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this is my car
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Apr 25, 2017 20:20
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Well the teaching gig has been going well, at least mostly. I had a troublesome student and i reflexively enthralled him. I need to reverse it before there's permanent damage to his brain, on the other hand i could use him to motivate other students...
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Apr 25, 2017 20:55
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