/r/relationships: Memento Mori Lasagna

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ArbitraryC: Jan 28, 2009; Pick a number, any number; Pillbug

Nazzadan posted:

My [23F] boyfriend [25M] started masturbating next to me when I denied him a handjob, what do I do? (NSFW?)

This reminded me of a goon that used to post a lot about his miserable relationship and kept an excel spreadsheet to track his monthly handjobs.

It's weird how common pop culture makes it out to be but I honestly think that if your SO is regularly turning you down it needs to be addressed asap or you should just breakup.

# ? Apr 26, 2017 21:23

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# ? Jun 11, 2024 20:28

GRINDCORE MEGGIDO: Feb 28, 1985

quote:

I have a buddy that the gang calls a Nazi/Hitler, purely because he has a vaguely German
-sounding last name and he's a super chill bleeding-heart kinda guy. I address him as Herr Krause sometimes. His wife, naturally, is Frau Krause (God her maiden name is so ripe for jokes. Phister). High school poo poo is a hell of a drug.

Fisto

PLEASE ASSUME THE POSITION.

I have an old friend that to this day is called "Nazi Gavin" because he lived in Germany for 8 years.
We still find any excuse to joke about the Holocaust in the UK.

GRINDCORE MEGGIDO fucked around with this message at 21:25 on Apr 26, 2017

# ? Apr 26, 2017 21:23

A Wizard of Goatse: Dec 14, 2014

ArbitraryC posted:

This reminded me of a goon that used to post a lot about his miserable relationship and kept an excel spreadsheet to track his monthly handjobs.

It's weird how common pop culture makes it out to be but I honestly think that if your SO is regularly turning you down it needs to be addressed asap or you should just breakup.

why the gently caress would you even get salty about a lack of handjobs every chick does it like they're milking a loving cow or something

# ? Apr 26, 2017 21:29

I Was The Fury: Oct 19, 2012; Always stop to smell the flowers, just in case they're weeds

Me [37F] with my [47 M] 2 month dating. Need help ending it.

quote:

tl;dr Im a freebird commitment phobe who normally doesn't suck as ending things

I've been casually (what I thought) dating this guy for about 2 months now. I made it clear I wasn't looking for anything serious. maybe he didn't believe me? It's become apparent to me over the last two weeks that he is far more into me than I am into him (referring to me as his girlfriend, talking about travelling with me), he wants much more of a relationship than I want, and we just aren't very sexually compatible. He thinks we are very sexually on point, I am the best thing since sliced bread, he thought he would always be alone until he met me blah blah blah. I need to end it. I can't be solely responsible for his happiness, and I don't want to be. I just wanted casual.My problem is twofold.

First how to end it? What should I say? He is a very awesome guy otherwise. I want to be gentle and firm with him without giving him false hope that he can wait for me. He lost his fiancee to a drunk driver, his second love cheated on him after six years together. He keeps telling me he never though he'd find someone he felt so happy with again. Ugh. So I don't want to destroy him.

Second can I do it via text? I say this because our schedules are practically opposite. The next time I see him in person probably won't be for another week or two and I honestly want to end this sooner rather than later. Is this a horrible idea? He doesn't really do email. I express myself better when I write things out. I thought , maybe text him with an option to chat after he has processed it if he needs to via phone?

Help me reddit. This has literally never happened to me before. usually I don't give a poo poo. I want to end this with as little pain as possible to a genuinely nice guy who isn't for me.

# ? Apr 26, 2017 21:28

Axolotl: Jan 23, 2002; Whatever

ArbitraryC posted:

This reminded me of a goon that used to post a lot about his miserable relationship and kept an excel spreadsheet to track his monthly handjobs.

Jesus, handjobs are just about the worst, right behind not having sex at all. I don't think there has ever been an enthusiastically given handjob, at least within the context of a relationship.

gently caress, if you're reduced to begging for and tracking your handjobs, you might as well just end it, your relationship is doomed anyway.

# ? Apr 26, 2017 21:29

WoodrowSkillson: Feb 24, 2005; *Gestures at 60 years of Lions history*

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Fmban3Fio14

# ? Apr 26, 2017 21:31

Cough Drop The Beat: Jan 22, 2012; by Lowtax

A Wizard of Goatse posted:

why the gently caress would you even get salty about a lack of handjobs every chick does it like they're milking a loving cow or something

What kind of weird girlfriend do you have that you think this is normal? It's not, and my girlfriend gives good handjobs that are very enjoyable.

Cough Drop The Beat fucked around with this message at 21:35 on Apr 26, 2017

# ? Apr 26, 2017 21:32

chernobyl kinsman: Mar 18, 2007; a friend of the friendly atom; Soiled Meat

Cough Drop The Beat posted:

What kind of weird girlfriend do you have that you think this is normal? It's not, and my girlfriend gives good handjobs that are very enjoyable.

whats wrong with your sex life that you're getting handjobs instead of literally any other sex act

is your girlfriend in junior high

chernobyl kinsman fucked around with this message at 21:36 on Apr 26, 2017

# ? Apr 26, 2017 21:32

ArbitraryC: Jan 28, 2009; Pick a number, any number; Pillbug

A Wizard of Goatse posted:

why the gently caress would you even get salty about a lack of handjobs every chick does it like they're milking a loving cow or something

I imagine if she won't even tug one out their bedroom life ain't exactly poppin off in other ways.

# ? Apr 26, 2017 21:33

Leon Einstein: Feb 6, 2012; I must win every thread in GBS. I don't care how much banal semantic quibbling and shitty posts it takes.

That dude was hoping his girl would get turned on and join in. Too bad she's such a stick in the mud.

# ? Apr 26, 2017 21:33

A Wizard of Goatse: Dec 14, 2014

If it was one person I wouldn't have said anything and just figured she was bad at handjobs but no; fifteen years of dating, literally never asked for one, and every woman immediately decides trying to yank it off is sexy

# ? Apr 26, 2017 21:33

WoodrowSkillson: Feb 24, 2005; *Gestures at 60 years of Lions history*

chernobyl kinsman posted:

whats wrong with your sex life that you're getting handjobs instead of literally any other sex act

is your girlfriend in junior high

id say its p rare to just have one to completion, but like, as a part of foreplay or in combination with a bj its p dope to get one so whatever.

# ? Apr 26, 2017 21:33

Pick: Jul 19, 2009; Nap Ghost

Don't DEMAND certain types of SEX like you're tooooooooooo gooooooooooooooooood for a part of your girlfriend's BODY

god you guys suck

# ? Apr 26, 2017 21:34

54 40 or fuck: Jan 4, 2012; No Yanda's allowed

Pnurtis already has several adorable nicknames. We call him by his name but I don't really care if other people use short forms

GRINDCORE MEGGIDO posted:

I wish I'd been named Damien. But my parents were hippies so I'm stuck being named after a loving bird.

Is it Kestral? Because I've heard that as a name and thinks it's so cool
I am also a hippy

# ? Apr 26, 2017 21:34

A Wizard of Goatse: Dec 14, 2014

54 40 or gently caress posted:

Pnurtis already has several adorable nicknames. We call him by his name but I don't really care if other people use short forms

Is it Kestral? Because I've heard that as a name and thinks it's so cool
I am also a hippy

Auk

# ? Apr 26, 2017 21:35

Cough Drop The Beat: Jan 22, 2012; by Lowtax

chernobyl kinsman posted:

whats wrong with your sex life that you're getting handjobs instead of literally any other sex act

is your girlfriend in junior high

Lol if you don't let your super horny girlfriend give you handjobs, blowjobs, whatever she wants when she's all over your dick. Just lmao.

WoodrowSkillson posted:

id say its p rare to just have one to completion, but like, as a part of foreplay or in combination with a bj its p dope to get one so whatever.

Yup, literally this.

# ? Apr 26, 2017 21:35

Pick: Jul 19, 2009; Nap Ghost

GRINDCORE MEGGIDO posted:

I wish I'd been named Damien. But my parents were hippies so I'm stuck being named after a loving bird.

Grouse.

# ? Apr 26, 2017 21:37

blarzgh: Apr 14, 2009; SNITCHIN' RANDY; Grimey Drawer

We nicknamed a guy, "Pooter" in high school, and it stuck to that poor bastard like white on rice.

# ? Apr 26, 2017 21:35

Nancy: Nov 23, 2005; Young Orc

Auk would be a badass name.

# ? Apr 26, 2017 21:36

I Was The Fury: Oct 19, 2012; Always stop to smell the flowers, just in case they're weeds

Cough Drop The Beat posted:

Lol if you don't let your super horny girlfriend give you handjobs when she's all over your dick

Lol if you consider enthusiasm to give just a hand job as "horny" or being "all over your dick"

# ? Apr 26, 2017 21:36

hawowanlawow: Jul 27, 2009

It's so Raven

# ? Apr 26, 2017 21:37

Pick: Jul 19, 2009; Nap Ghost

Ptarmigurtis.

# ? Apr 26, 2017 21:38

A Wizard of Goatse: Dec 14, 2014

Turkey Buzzard get your rear end over here!!!

# ? Apr 26, 2017 21:37

Cough Drop The Beat: Jan 22, 2012; by Lowtax

I Was The Fury posted:

Lol if you consider enthusiasm to give just a hand job as "horny" or being "all over your dick"

I've literally never been given "just a handjob" by a woman since I was like 19, so I really have no clue what you're talking about.

# ? Apr 26, 2017 21:37

Pick: Jul 19, 2009; Nap Ghost

it's cruel to name a girl Swallow

# ? Apr 26, 2017 21:39

new phone who dis: May 24, 2007; by VideoGames; Morbid Hound

Pick posted:

Don't DEMAND certain types of SEX like you're tooooooooooo gooooooooooooooooood for a part of your girlfriend's BODY

god you guys suck

Anyone who asks for a handjob deserves what they get IMO. You bargain down to one, you never start there.

# ? Apr 26, 2017 21:38

blarzgh: Apr 14, 2009; SNITCHIN' RANDY; Grimey Drawer

TITMOUSE!

# ? Apr 26, 2017 21:39

Cough Drop The Beat: Jan 22, 2012; by Lowtax

I've also never asked for a handjob in my life and you people have some drat weird opinions about sex

# ? Apr 26, 2017 21:39

Pick: Jul 19, 2009; Nap Ghost

Swallow is my LAST name, rear end in a top hat.

What's your first name?

Booby.

# ? Apr 26, 2017 21:40

Leon Einstein: Feb 6, 2012; I must win every thread in GBS. I don't care how much banal semantic quibbling and shitty posts it takes.

Pick posted:

Don't DEMAND certain types of SEX like you're tooooooooooo gooooooooooooooooood for a part of your girlfriend's BODY

god you guys suck

What doe this mean? You're not making any sense. Take a break from GBS for gently caress's sake.

# ? Apr 26, 2017 21:39

Who What Now: Sep 10, 2006; by Azathoth

54 40 or gently caress posted:

Pnurtis already has several adorable nicknames.

Is one of them "Pnurty"? :kimchi:

# ? Apr 26, 2017 21:39

Bobby Digital: Sep 4, 2009

Skyler gave Walter White a handjob in the first season and look how that turned out

# ? Apr 26, 2017 21:39

Leon Einstein: Feb 6, 2012; I must win every thread in GBS. I don't care how much banal semantic quibbling and shitty posts it takes.

Bobby Digital posted:

Skyler gave Walter White a handjob in the first season and look how that turned out

They took that scene out on Netflix. Stupid, hey? Like that's the most morally questionable scene on BB.

# ? Apr 26, 2017 21:41

GRINDCORE MEGGIDO: Feb 28, 1985

54 40 or gently caress posted:

Pnurtis already has several adorable nicknames. We call him by his name but I don't really care if other people use short forms

Is it Kestral? Because I've heard that as a name and thinks it's so cool
I am also a hippy

I'm afraid not, but that's a super cool name.
Hippies are the best

I said to a friend once that Chlamydia was a great name for a girl, and she was like "That's so pretty!" :downs:

GRINDCORE MEGGIDO fucked around with this message at 21:43 on Apr 26, 2017

# ? Apr 26, 2017 21:41

Pick: Jul 19, 2009; Nap Ghost

Leon Einstein posted:

What doe this mean? You're not making any sense. Take a break from GBS for gently caress's sake.

If I do that I'm going to drive to his house and bang on the door and demand that he answer for his need to be cruel to me when I left offerings on his altar every god damned week like he's my sex Yahweh.

# ? Apr 26, 2017 21:41