Your Awful Dates

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Machai: Feb 21, 2013

Pick posted:

a 60-something multi-multi millionaire once took me on a date to a french restaurant, which he bought out for that evening

should have married him

think of all the avatars you could have bought

# ? May 4, 2017 10:56

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# ? May 9, 2024 22:50

Meme Poker Party: Sep 1, 2006; by Azathoth

Universe Master posted:

an anime lover called you creepy

# ? May 4, 2017 14:59

Moooooooooooon: Nov 24, 2007

I have more of these stories than I probably should.

About a decade back I was visiting a friend over in Mexico. I had just ended a four year relationship and, like many freshly single men, was under the misconception that I should suddenly have access to regular casual sex. Turns out that being in a relationship had done nothing to change the fact that I had absolutely no talent for finding sexual partners. So I turned to my friend, who always seemed to be dating new women, and demanded that he hook me up. There was someone new that he was interested in and he called her up to see if she could bring a friend for a double date. As luck would have it she knew someone and we set up a meet at a local hookah bar. This is where things start to get a bit odd.

When we arrived at the bar my date was nowhere to be seen. The woman my friend was seeing explained that her friend couldn�t come to the bar because she was at home having dinner with her boyfriend but said that we�d go and visit them later. I was confused and disappointed but, whatever, I was travelling and still having a good time. We stayed at the bar for a couple of hours waiting for the friend to call and tell us it was time to come over. By the time she called it was getting close to midnight. Nobody but me thought this was weird. We caught a taxi over and, when we arrived, found her home by herself. Turns out that her boyfriend had gone to a concert with another woman and she was feeling jilted. It didn�t dawn on me until after the fact that from the outset I had been invited as a revenge gently caress.

Anyhow, the four of us started hitting the tequila and the conversation quickly became extremely lewd. My �date� didn�t speak any meaningful amount of English and I had zero Spanish. This wasn�t a big problem as the other two translated for us. It was fun but, even without considering the absent boyfriend, no matter how much I had to drink I simply was not attracted to the woman I had been set up with. After a few more hours the other couple headed off upstairs, leaving the two of us alone.

What followed was a increasingly uncomfortable, mostly non-verbal conversation in which I tried to explain that I was tired and wanted to sleep and a woman, to whom I was desperately unattracted, tried to explain that she wanted to gently caress. She even brought out a tub full of condoms and lube to try to help get the point across. Eventually she got frustrated and (presumably thinking I was a moron) stalked off to another room. Moments later her friend came back to explain to me as simply as she could that her friend just wanted to get into my pants. My protests fell on deaf ears and she soon left to get my friend to see if he could convince me. While he and I were talking me my date and her friend came back in dragging a mattress. At that point it became clear that my choices were to either make sure that no one had any sex or to just give in. I chose to give in. What followed was the most awkward sexual encounter I�ve ever had, followed by a short, uncomfortable, drunken sleep, and a dawn taxi ride back to my mate�s place before the boyfriend returned.

That�s the last time I ever asked a friend to set me up with a date.

# ? May 4, 2017 15:16

Smash it Smash hit: Dec 30, 2009; prettay, prettay

Pick posted:

a 60-something multi-multi millionaire once took me on a date to a french restaurant, which he bought out for that evening

should have married him

can you imagine being so autistic that you have to buy out a whole restraunt so you wont have to be around anyone else?

# ? May 4, 2017 16:04

new phone who dis: May 24, 2007; by VideoGames; Morbid Hound

Barudak posted:

A male friend of mine once had sex with someone so unqualified for the act that he faked an orgasm.

Bro let me tell you about drunk sex.

# ? May 4, 2017 16:09

Barudak: May 7, 2007

new phone who dis posted:

Bro let me tell you about drunk sex.

You dont need to tell me about it, but they were sober.

# ? May 4, 2017 16:12

Punk da Bundo: Dec 29, 2006; by FactsAreUseless

Pick posted:

a 60-something multi-multi millionaire once took me on a date to a french restaurant, which he bought out for that evening

should have married him

lol why would a rich man want anything to do with you, dont lie

# ? May 4, 2017 16:35

Bonzo: Mar 11, 2004; Just like Mama used to make it!

Barudak posted:

A male friend of mine once had sex with someone so unqualified for the act that he faked an orgasm.

Slam whale

# ? May 4, 2017 18:10

Smash it Smash hit: Dec 30, 2009; prettay, prettay

October 11th is a real terrible date.

# ? May 4, 2017 18:14

new phone who dis: May 24, 2007; by VideoGames; Morbid Hound

Barudak posted:

You dont need to tell me about it, but they were sober.

Once you've done it once you might as well add it to your bag of tricks.

# ? May 4, 2017 18:18

Fartbox: Apr 27, 2017; What's happening? Dri fu an only two? what is this?
Is this an avatar? I don't know rm dunk

My bag of tricks include

*inappropriate farting
*excessive sweating
*running out of stamina
*there's this vein on the side of my head that looks really gross whenever I get excited

# ? May 4, 2017 18:38

Anagram of GINGER: Oct 3, 2014; by Smythe

hoo boy the next few years are going to be a wild ride

# ? May 4, 2017 18:42

Instruction Manuel: May 15, 2007; Yes, it is what it looks like!

Fartbox posted:

My bag of tricks include

*inappropriate farting
*excessive sweating
*running out of stamina
*there's this vein on the side of my head that looks really gross whenever I get excited

These are aces, I'm writing them down so I can remember to use them

# ? May 4, 2017 19:39

TehRedWheelbarrow: Mar 16, 2011; Fan of Britches

Fartbox posted:

My bag of tricks include

*inappropriate farting
*excessive sweating
*running out of stamina
*there's this vein on the side of my head that looks really gross whenever I get excited

you forgot meowing like a cat and crawling to hide your boner friend

# ? May 4, 2017 19:41

maskenfreiheit: Dec 30, 2004

Pick posted:

a 60-something multi-multi millionaire once took me on a date to a french restaurant, which he bought out for that evening

should have married him

wasn't this a kimmy schmidt episode?

Smash it Smash hit posted:

can you imagine being so autistic that you have to buy out a whole restraunt so you wont have to be around anyone else?

howard hughes was a great man

maskenfreiheit fucked around with this message at 19:54 on May 4, 2017

# ? May 4, 2017 19:49

Fartbox: Apr 27, 2017; What's happening? Dri fu an only two? what is this?
Is this an avatar? I don't know rm dunk

sneakyfrog posted:

you forgot meowing like a cat and crawling to hide your boner friend

That is in my advanced bag

You can read more about this "Advanced Dating" in my toolkit that you can buy for a mere 19.99$ (limited supply!). Purchase it on my webzone "Fartboxthewizard.org"

# ? May 5, 2017 14:30

MC Hawking: Apr 27, 2004; by VideoGames; Fun Shoe

I went on a date with a lady who was an electrical engineer. I kept asking her questions about electrical engineering because honestly, it's really cool and I'm interested as to what makes people tick and why they get into their field. Much like the other lady I went on a date with who wouldn't shut up about startup culture, this lady had self-image issues because her not much older brother was a doctor and her mom kept pressuring her to have kids and her dad was not in the equation. She ghosted me after one date, but gently caress it I had a nice time. I think she thought I was wildly uneducated or something, I dunno. At least it I found a nice bar afterwards.

# ? May 5, 2017 17:57

I. M. Gei: Jun 26, 2005; CHIEFS

BITCH

This thread is great.

I don't have any bad date stories per se, but I do have a couple of bad almost-date stories. Not sure if I should share them though.

# ? May 6, 2017 04:33

Absurd Alhazred: Mar 27, 2010; by Athanatos

Dr. Gitmo Moneyson posted:

This thread is great.

I don't have any bad date stories per se, but I do have a couple of bad almost-date stories. Not sure if I should share them though.

# ? May 6, 2017 04:33

Scrotum Modem: Sep 12, 2014

Dr. Gitmo Moneyson posted:

This thread is great.

I don't have any bad date stories per se, but I do have a couple of bad almost-date stories. Not sure if I should share them though.

if you're asking yourself that then it's best not to bore us

# ? May 6, 2017 06:04

Generic Monk: Oct 31, 2011

Radical and BADical! posted:

That was an awesome story.

My worst dating story was an OK cupid date (who we will call Melanie from here on out) who basically lied to me about being interested in dating me and manipulated me into going on a date with her. I didn't know I was being manipulated at the time, I thought Melanie was just very, very interested when she favorited me, sent me a long written message and DM'ed me as soon as I came online. What I did not know was that she was friends with a woman (who we will call Lindsay) who I had gone on an ok cupid date with like 6 months prior and kinda made a fool out of myself in front of. Everything she was doing was part of a joke at my expense, including the date.

I never got a straight story from her about why they did this, but I guess they were browsing Ok cupid together one night, saw me on there and came up with a plan. For back story, the original date with Lindsay went well but I guess something went wrong because she tried to inexpertly ghost me and lied about it. I wasn't aware of her plans to ghost but I googled her (because I was pretty crazy and insecure at the time but I also wanted to see if there were any red flags floating around about her) and found out she lied about deactivating her social media accounts (which is what she told me she was going to do-the story was she didn't want to date or interact with friends because she was loving up in school). I asked her about it. She made some excuses and I was like "Don't bother adding me to anything, I'm pretty aware of the fact that I'm more interested than you are. Bye." I was kind of hurt but I understood. I also realized that my reaction was utterly pathetic, so I deactivated my OK Cupid to work on myself some more.

I reactivated OK cupid 6 months later. I had lost more weight and was feeling good about myself but I was still desperately lonely so I decided to give it another shot because I am a loving stupid moron. Cue Melanie flirting with me. Basically, over the course of several long messages and chat sessions, she convinced me she was really interested and pressured me into a date about a week later. I didn't really want to go on the date because, while I was interested in having said date, the day she picked was a bad day logistics wise and also there were some warning alarms about they way this woman was just soooooo sooooooo interested and pushy for it to happen. Most people would be like "naw, man, she just really digs you" but it had never once happened in my life so I was already somewhat suspicious, sadly. So we have the date and it goes amazingly, lots of chemistry, no awkward silences, we both laughed the entire time. I even was like "So, want to do it again sometime" and she hesitated just a microsecond before saying "Sure!" but it was noticeable. I ignored it and went home thinking everything was cool.

I saw her online the next night and messaged her to chat and maybe set up the second date which is when she informed me of her friendship with Lindsay. It went something like this:

Melanie: Oh, and my friend Lindsay is here, by the way. I believe you know her.
Me: oh poo poo
Melanie: We're both laughing.
Me: It's not that funny to me. Why is it funny?
Melanie: The room is filled with guffaws. <---yes, she used the word guffaws, not making that up
Me: I made a huge fool out of myself in front of Lindsay. I'm so goddamn embarrassed right now
Melanie: She says no (like, Lindsay said something to her that I didn't really embarrass myself but I was like shaking with despair and self-loathing at that point so I didn't believe it). Be confident.
Me: I'm confident that I am sick to my stomach. I need to lay down.
Melanie: Well, that is a type of confidence I guess. Well, we're gonna go out now and then I'm going on a trip to Europe, be back in a week. See you later.

So, I decided to take her advice and just be confident, just in case I was reading the situation wrongly. I have a history of women...well, girls really...doing some pretty manipulative and cruel things to me, and a really dark part of me truly believed that women were pretty callous and cruel in general and I didn't want to believe that it was happening again So i resolved to just think "heh, good joke, you got me" and message her when she came back from her trip. A week later, she comes back from wherever she went and comes online. I message her and she never responds so I just deactivated my account and never looked back.

Yep, I felt pretty lovely about that one and I never really found out if it was just them not realizing how their little "joke" would look to me or if they truly meant it to be harmless and I just projected a lot of my own feelings of inadequacy in there. It's loving stupid but I sometimes feel really sad thinking about it even though it happened almost ten years ago now.

this does sound a lot like you're projecting - did she tell you she went on the date as a joke or did you just assume that? i mean, if she did it certainly is a bit sad on her part, and a waste of an evening for seemingly little gratification. if that is the case then it's just weird people being weird people; not too hard to just move on from.

what actually seems to have happened at least from how you put it here is that she was interested you, the date went ok, then at some point she showed your pic to her friend or something and they had a giggle about it. at worst her friend told her that she thought you were creepy or something which might have contributed to her not responding to your message. again nbd

your reaction just seems massively disproportionate; not everyone's out to be pointlessly cruel to you. the truth is arguably worse, in that most people are pretty oblivious and don't really care. i hope you're in a better place now at least

# ? May 6, 2017 06:30

maskenfreiheit: Dec 30, 2004

So once I went on a date with a woman who listed on her OKC she was Vegan.

Suggested a middle eastern place since they had a lot of stuff she could eat - stuffed grape leaves, hummice, falafel, etc.... I'm not but I was also down to expand my palate.

She showed up, and looked nothing like her picture. We'd had a lot of shared interests and it was my lunch break so I figured I'd still eat lunch and just follow up later that there hadn't been a spark or some polite BS.

We had a decent convo, I was having a nice time. The meal ended and I asked if she was interested in desert, since they have good baklava.

"UH, did you FORGET I'm a VEGAN?" she borderline yelled.

"Huh?" I responded

"BAKLAVA USES HONEY, TAKEN FROM INNOCENT BEES" she yelled, slamming her hands on the table to express her displeasure.

She spent the rest of the date (me gesturing furiously for the check for 2 min then dropping some bills down to GTFO) loudly lecturing me about how taking bees honey is abusive and how this probably isn't a match given my lack of respect for her beliefs.

:/

# ? May 8, 2017 19:25

Barudak: May 7, 2007

Baklava is like 90% butter by volume, youd think that would be the bigger issue?

# ? May 8, 2017 19:34

Vargatron: Apr 19, 2008; MRAZZLE DAZZLE

I'm surprised at how hard it is to find a woman who would be cool with getting stoned and listening to Vaporwave.

# ? May 8, 2017 19:49

Punk da Bundo: Dec 29, 2006; by FactsAreUseless

Vargatron posted:

I'm surprised at how hard it is to find a woman who would be cool with getting stoned and listening to Vaporwave.

i could find 15 girls right now who would wanna do that. the gently caress. who doesnt like drugs and muzak

# ? May 8, 2017 20:11

Vargatron: Apr 19, 2008; MRAZZLE DAZZLE

Yeah it was a dumb joke.

# ? May 8, 2017 20:15

Putty: Mar 21, 2013; HOOKED ON THE BROTHERS

Piss de Bundy posted:

i could find 15 girls right now who would wanna do that. the gently caress. who doesnt like drugs and muzak

Vaporwave

# ? May 8, 2017 20:17

Saint Freak: Apr 16, 2007; Regretting is an insult to oneself; Buglord

maskenfreiheit posted:

So once I went on a date with a woman who listed on her OKC she was Vegan.

Suggested a middle eastern place since they had a lot of stuff she could eat - stuffed grape leaves, hummice, falafel, etc.... I'm not but I was also down to expand my palate.

She showed up, and looked nothing like her picture. We'd had a lot of shared interests and it was my lunch break so I figured I'd still eat lunch and just follow up later that there hadn't been a spark or some polite BS.

We had a decent convo, I was having a nice time. The meal ended and I asked if she was interested in desert, since they have good baklava.

"UH, did you FORGET I'm a VEGAN?" she borderline yelled.

"Huh?" I responded

"BAKLAVA USES HONEY, TAKEN FROM INNOCENT BEES" she yelled, slamming her hands on the table to express her displeasure.

She spent the rest of the date (me gesturing furiously for the check for 2 min then dropping some bills down to GTFO) loudly lecturing me about how taking bees honey is abusive and how this probably isn't a match given my lack of respect for her beliefs.

:/

I got set up with a vegan who had a bunch of tattoos, and I asked her if she had to get them special because as far as I know tattoo ink generally isn't vegan. She got mad at me as if I had tricked her out of veganism or something and stormed out.

Definitely the best case scenario to be honest.

# ? May 8, 2017 20:50

TehRedWheelbarrow: Mar 16, 2011; Fan of Britches

Saint Freak posted:

I got set up with a vegan who had a bunch of tattoos, and I asked her if she had to get them special because as far as I know tattoo ink generally isn't vegan. She got mad at me as if I had tricked her out of veganism or something and stormed out.

Definitely the best case scenario to be honest.

ha one of my coworkers has a "no meat athlete" bumper sicker on their car and just about started frothing at the mouth when i mentioned why do you have a sticker talking about how skinny you are?

# ? May 8, 2017 20:53