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Not sure what reminded me of these terrible books, but I have to share an author I read a bunch of in high school: Lurlene McDaniel. She specializes in tragic teen romances where the main characters usually have serious illnesses. For example: "At sixteen, Melissa Austin has always worked hard to make things go her way. As the school year begins, her grades are up and she’s even landed a coveted spot on the high school Brain Bowl team. She and her best friend, Jory Delaney, are determined to have the best junior year ever. But suddenly Melissa receives devastating news about her health. At first she refuses to accept the doctor’s diagnosis, but as her illness gets worse she cannot deny the truth. The caring and closeness Melissa feels toward her family and especially toward Jory help her find the inner strength and courage to face the mysteries of living and dying. Is it fair that there’s only a chance for one of them to survive?"  "Jessica McMillian and Jeremy Travino are a perfect couple. But now Jessica has been diagnosed as having kidney failure. She is on dialysis three days a week and is so depressed that she’s not sure she wants to live. Her one hope for a normal life is a kidney transplant, but she’s an only child and her parents aren’t suitable donors. Jeremy is determined to donate one of her kidneys to her, but his parents are terrified of losing their only child. Will Jeremy find the strength to go against his parent’s wishes and do what he must to save Jessica?"  "Trisha Thompson and her best friend Christina are having a great senior year. Trisha and her boyfriend, Cody, are making plans to attend Indiana University together in the fall, while Christina has already received a scholarship to the University of Vermont. Everything would be perfect if only Trisha got along with Christina’s controlling boyfriend Tucker, who is trying to convince Christina not to go away for college. But suddenly their lives change one night when Tucker is driving the four home from an away basketball game. When his car hits a patch of black ice and overturns, Tucker walks away with barely a scratch, but Trisha is injured, Cody is in a coma, and Christina is dead. Those left behind must learn that it takes time for their scars—both visible and not—to heal. And they must find the courage to move on with their lives." There's a bunch more of the descriptions on the author's website.
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May 20, 2017 02:34
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The courage to move on and heal.
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May 20, 2017 02:53
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Car crashes are often harder for the dead than the unharmed.
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May 20, 2017 03:46
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Carbon Thief posted:Not sure what reminded me of these terrible books, but I have to share an author I read a bunch of in high school: Lurlene McDaniel. She specializes in tragic teen romances where the main characters usually have serious illnesses. For example: I had one of those. I'm too lazy to look up a title, but the story centered around a girl who needed a heart transplant. She gets one because a kicker at the University of Michigan drops dead mid-play of a sudden brain aneurysm. She gets the heart transplant and falls for the kicker's younger brother. It ends on a cliffhanger as she's going in for experimental treatment after getting ill.
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May 20, 2017 05:32
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Carbon Thief posted:Not sure what reminded me of these terrible books, but I have to share an author I read a bunch of in high school: Lurlene McDaniel. She specializes in tragic teen romances where the main characters usually have serious illnesses. For example: Girls at my middle school were loving obsessed with these and I don't know why. Even at a point where the rest of us were reading Sunfire romances, the tamest and most formulaic romance novels ever (and I was firmly in the Sunfire camp), the Lurlene McDaniel books stuck out as formulaic garbage. Also, literally any time anyone was out sick, all the girls would freak out and be like OH NO CANCER!!! The books eventually got banned from school. The Sunfire books were historical romances aimed at preteens, in case you're not familiar. The heroine would have to choose between two guys: one rich and safe, and one dangerous and not rich. She usually chose the dangerous guy. There would occasionally be kissing, and the girl would save the day in a historically significant way. I think my favorites were Sabrina ("ugly duckling" [read: brunette] in the Revolutionary War) and Renee (plucky girl reporter almost dies in a blizzard, but doesn't!). A few were penned by legit YA authors, like Willo David Roberts. I'll leave you with the book blurb for the first Sunfire book, "Amanda" by Candice F. Ransom: the 90s posted:"With only a silk dress to protect her from the blazing frontier sun, Amanda fears she will die on the Oregon Trail. As the memories of Boston, the nightly balls, and Joseph fade, the hardships of life on the wagon train fill her days. Changing from a spoiled city girl to a strong young woman, Amanda finds drought and death, beauty and joy, and a love that will last forever." Bitch, take the fluff outta one of them fancy ball gowns and make yourself something to loving wear. Sheesh. What a role model. In case anyone else remembers these: Some reviews/plot synopses. Ditto A general overview of the series.
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May 20, 2017 14:59
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Silk dresses aren't the best thing to wear when you come down with dysentery.
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May 20, 2017 19:59
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RoboRodent posted:Silk dresses aren't the best thing to wear when you come down with dysentery. Really, is there any good thing to wear when you have dysentery, besides maybe chaps and nothing else?
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May 20, 2017 20:03
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Speaking of "historical" romance, I just remembered this thing: http://dearauthor.com/book-reviews/f-reviews/review-knight-moves-by-jamaica-layne/ "tis time for us to partake of Pleasure’s fruit again, milady. My codpiece has desired your lady-softness all day long."
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May 20, 2017 20:35
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SerialKilldeer posted:Speaking of "historical" romance, I just remembered this thing: That metaphor limps so bad uggh  Unless they're going to eat a baby or something.
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May 20, 2017 20:55
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Jerry Cotton posted:That metaphor limps so bad uggh ITT, we discover that goons also have strange and terrifying ideas about what codpieces are.
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May 20, 2017 21:02
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Darth Walrus posted:ITT, we discover that goons also have strange and terrifying ideas about what codpieces are. The fruit bit.
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May 20, 2017 21:03
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Jerry Cotton posted:The fruit bit. ... eh, close enough.
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May 20, 2017 21:04
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There is still something charming about the audacity of deciding to write a historical romance without bothering to learn that "codpiece" doesn't mean "dick."
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May 20, 2017 21:05
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Although it is also exceedingly bad to use codpiece as an euphemism for BENIS because it's literally the same as saying "my hat just had a thought" when you get an idea. ^^^ yeah
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May 20, 2017 21:05
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SerialKilldeer posted:Speaking of "historical" romance, I just remembered this thing: PYF Terrible Book: My oval office Makes A Disappointed Queeb Sound
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May 20, 2017 22:15
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you guys giving me flashbacks to the ancient livejournal community weepingcock, where this book was discussed extensively have all the terrible fictional sex your disgusting hearts desire
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May 20, 2017 22:44
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I mean, I always tell my gentleman callers to leave their codpiece on for extra protection.Antivehicular posted:Really, is there any good thing to wear when you have dysentery, besides maybe chaps and nothing else? A lightweight maxi skirt and shoes you're not particularly fond of, in my experience. Fleta Mcgurn has a new favorite as of 04:26 on May 21, 2017 |
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May 21, 2017 04:22
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quote:And the sight of the huge cock the knight is holding in his right hand as he shakes off the last few drops of pee is even more dazzling. Hetero ladies help me out here: is a dude with an unerect dick shaking off pee particularly arousing as ways to see a dude with his dick out go?
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May 21, 2017 04:25
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Jerry Cotton posted:Although it is also exceedingly bad to use codpiece as an euphemism for BENIS because it's literally the same as saying "my hat just had a thought" when you get an idea.
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May 21, 2017 05:45
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Carbon Thief posted:"At sixteen, Melissa Austin has always worked hard to make things go her way. As the school year begins, her grades are up and she's even landed a coveted spot on the high school Brain Bowl team. She and her best friend, Jory Delaney, are determined to have the best junior year ever. But suddenly Melissa receives devastating news about her health. At first she refuses to accept the doctor's diagnosis, but as her illness gets worse she cannot deny the truth. The caring and closeness Melissa feels toward her family and especially toward Jory help her find the inner strength and courage to face the mysteries of living and dying. Is it fair that there's only a chance for one of them to survive?" Wait, what? There's nothing else in that synopsis to suggest that anyone other than Melissa has a terrible disease. The name "Lurlene McDaniel" sounded familiar so I went to her site and as it turns out, I read one of her books as a kid. I had no idea it was the first in a series. Fleta Mcgurn posted:The Sunfire books were historical romances aimed at preteens, in case you're not familiar. The heroine would have to choose between two guys: one rich and safe, and one dangerous and not rich. She usually chose the dangerous guy. There would occasionally be kissing, and the girl would save the day in a historically significant way. I think my favorites were Sabrina ("ugly duckling" [read: brunette] in the Revolutionary War) and Renee (plucky girl reporter almost dies in a blizzard, but doesn't!). A few were penned by legit YA authors, like Willo David Roberts. Thanks for posting about these! I read this one at around the same time as I read the Lurlene McDaniel. I never thought I'd see it again. I think I graduated to Stephen King and V.C. Andrews not long after.
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May 21, 2017 20:47
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God you guys had me suspicious and it turns out I read a few Lurlene McDaniel books as a kid too. I loved to read so instead of talking to me about anything awkward like drugs, sex, death etc my mom would just buy me books randomly. These always stuck with me as being weirdly over the top tragic. I think the worst books I ever read were the Left Behind series. I don't know how you make the literal apocalypse boring and trite but...
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May 24, 2017 13:18
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21st Cherry boy posted:I think the worst books I ever read were the Left Behind series. I don't know how you make the literal apocalypse boring and trite but... A lot of eschatological fiction wants to challenge its Christian readers to look at themselves and ask whether they're really living a Christian life, that kind of thing; Left Behind, on the other hand, seems to be all about reassuring its readers that they're all set, God's on their side, and it's all those people who will suffer in the End Times.
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May 24, 2017 13:26
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Wheat Loaf posted:A lot of eschatological fiction wants to challenge its Christian readers to look at themselves and ask whether they're really living a Christian life, that kind of thing; Left Behind, on the other hand, seems to be all about reassuring its readers that they're all set, God's on their side, and it's all those people who will suffer in the End Times. And travel arrangements. Lots of long excruciatingly drawn out scenes of people arranging car rides, flights, and playing phone tag in those books.
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May 24, 2017 13:36
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I read all but the last two thirds of the last Left Behind series. I started when only the first three were out and kept up with the series even as each book got worse and worse. The second to last one ended with one of the two main characters we'd been following since chapter one of the first book giving up and dying, and it didn't tell you who it was. They were super dumb and badly written, and their place of outright reverence in some circles is really creepy, but they did have some ridiculous action scenes scattered throughout the thousands of pages of bad evangelical screeds. The first book (I think?) ends with the Antichrist going to some UN summit thing, pulling a gun and shooting a guy at such close range that it also takes out the guy next to him. Then, splattered with blood and brains, he calmly brainwashes the gathered dignitaries into thinking it was a murder-suicide. Later on the incredible Jewish stereotype-turned-convert (who, iirc, pretty much singlehandedly achieves peace in the middle east offscreen early in the first book after accepting Jesus), has been turned into a paraplegic, and slices the antichrist's head half off with a molecule-edge sword on international live TV from a motorized weelchair. The future is really bad about metal detectors, apparently. Maybe they got Raptured? You'd think LaHaye and Jenkins would have mentioned that.
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May 24, 2017 23:40
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Ah, yes, Chaim Rosenzwieg, who only escapes having the most stereotypically Jewish name in the series because there's also a character named Tsion ben Judah.
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May 25, 2017 01:06
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RobotDogPolice posted:I'm sure Ready Player One has been mentioned. I thought the premise of a persistent virtual world overtaking the real one to be pretty cool, but the whole book is masturbatory 70's-80's pop culture references. I think there's one point where a character goes to a party and it's just several pages of the author describing deloreans and holographic R2-D2s and how none of the other plebs in the competition UNDERSTAND. And of course Wil Wheaton does the audiobook.
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May 25, 2017 02:19
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Doesn't the bad guy in Left Behind take over the UN by listing all the countries in the world in alphabetical order? I haven't read those books because I'd rather eat a cat barf, but from the IDEOTV episode about it, that seems to have been what happened.
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May 25, 2017 03:32
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Fleta Mcgurn posted:Doesn't the bad guy in Left Behind take over the UN by listing all the countries in the world in alphabetical order? That was part of his charismatic speech yeah.
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May 25, 2017 03:44
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CharlestheHammer posted:That was part of his charismatic speech yeah. So basically autistic people are Satan, according to Mr. Left Behind Writer. That's not very nice. I can name all the US states in alphabetical order; can I get an ambassadorship to hell? Anyone want to sing "Fifty Nifty United States" with me? I can barely remember my SSN but that song is still running around my head from elementary school.
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May 25, 2017 04:00
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Well I mean it worked so maybe don't doubt Satan.
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May 25, 2017 04:30
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CharlestheHammer posted:Well I mean it worked so maybe don't doubt Satan. I would never doubt Satan; he/she gets poo poo done.
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May 25, 2017 04:34
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Some poor guy has been doing a chapter-by-chapter deconstruction of the whole series and it's an informative, if not depressing, read. And it's sometimes funny! And depressing.
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May 25, 2017 04:48
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It's not a book, but The Salvation War happens to combine the worst parts of apocalypse novels and military fiction. Armageddon happens, but the demons and angels aren't powerful enough to face the world's combined military might led by 'MERICA, so they end up getting crushed. Complete with incredibly detailed technical descriptions of military hardware slaughtering demons, Robert E Lee being saved from the fires of Hell and taught modern military science by a black woman, and the author going on for pages and pages about how awesome Gen. Patraeus is.
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May 25, 2017 04:59
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Konstantin posted:It's not a book, but The Salvation War happens to combine the worst parts of apocalypse novels and military fiction. Armageddon happens, but the demons and angels aren't powerful enough to face the world's combined military might led by 'MERICA, so they end up getting crushed. Complete with incredibly detailed technical descriptions of military hardware slaughtering demons, Robert E Lee being saved from the fires of Hell and taught modern military science by a black woman, and the author going on for pages and pages about how awesome Gen. Patraeus is. eh, it's kind of my guilty pleasure to read that. I ignore the political bits where the authors beliefs show through and just focus on the bits where a bunch of demons get blown up.
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May 25, 2017 05:37
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That's actually an awesome premise. The final battle between Heaven and Hell begins, both sides are still using ancient weaponry, both sides get their asses kicked in with modern tech, and thus mankind proves why they are the favored creations of god, because they're able to grow and innovate and change while demons and angels are immortal and stagnant. There could even be a sequel where demons and angels unite to break free of the iron grip of humanity. I wish I still wrote.
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May 25, 2017 10:47
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Screaming Idiot posted:That's actually an awesome premise. The final battle between Heaven and Hell begins, both sides are still using ancient weaponry, both sides get their asses kicked in with modern tech, and thus mankind proves why they are the favored creations of god, because they're able to grow and innovate and change while demons and angels are immortal and stagnant. There could even be a sequel where demons and angels unite to break free of the iron grip of humanity.
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May 25, 2017 11:27
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Konstantin posted:It's not a book, but The Salvation War happens to combine the worst parts of apocalypse novels and military fiction. Armageddon happens, but the demons and angels aren't powerful enough to face the world's combined military might led by 'MERICA, so they end up getting crushed. Complete with incredibly detailed technical descriptions of military hardware slaughtering demons, Robert E Lee being saved from the fires of Hell and taught modern military science by a black woman, and the author going on for pages and pages about how awesome Gen. Patraeus is. For the longest time I thought Salvation War was just a TV Tropes page for a book its author was totally going to write eventually just as soon as they got all their tropes fleshed out (i.e. the joke about tropers wanting to have written rather than wanting to write) so imagine my surprise when I discovered it was actually real.
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May 25, 2017 11:40
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Konstantin posted:and the author going on for pages and pages about how awesome Gen. Patraeus is. Wow, talk about a product of its time.
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May 25, 2017 11:53
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What I loved about the terrible period during which Left Behind was culturally relevant was the swarm of imitators very obviously looking to cash in on the "diamond-hard erection for the end of the world and eternal suffering of billions" dollar, up to and including Left Behind's co-author himself (lol, like that gruesome loving lich Tim LaHaye wrote a single word of those books): This dweeb wrote a trilogy about "religion being outlawed" and End Times and all that hot bullshit that the interminable Left Behind series (let's not forget the young adult spinoff "Left Behind: THE KIDS" and the comics and the hilariously terrible real-time strategy computer game) covered and it still made the bestseller list.
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May 25, 2017 11:55
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Lunchmeat Larry posted:isn't this essentially the premise for 90% of stuff featuring fantasy races vs humans? 
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May 25, 2017 12:25
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