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Vargatron posted:goddamn lol heroin
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May 22, 2017 19:29
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 Sometimes she tugs too hard
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May 22, 2017 19:31
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Vargatron posted:goddamn lol No clue, she had 3 glasses of wine throughout the entire date so 
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May 22, 2017 19:40
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Vargatron posted:goddamn lol Heroin. EDIT: Goddamit, Pick!
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May 22, 2017 19:41
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Vargatron posted:goddamn lol date with Elvis
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May 22, 2017 19:43
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JFairfax posted:okay so when your first girlfriend really needed you to be there for her, you instead decided to bail and ruin her life. beating on a 16 year old isn't going to make up for the people you abandoned, buddy.
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May 22, 2017 20:23
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I asked this really cute German foreign exchange student out in high school and she said yes. At the time me, my parents, and my two brothers were sharing a car and it wasn't available that day. I wasn't sure if she had access to one but I asked and she said she could get a ride. Turns out her ride was this guy who I was SURE was competing for her affections and desperately trying to cock block me. He had always been around her whenever I'd seen her in the past and was very clingy, and they had a lot of the same friends. So I'm not too happy that he showed up but I had to do this weird passive thing with him because I technically owed him. Anyway this dude takes us to the restaurant and his car is all shaking and shuddering and has duct tape holding poo poo on it. We arrive and when I'm thinking of a way to have him awkwardly pick us up later when he makes it clear to the server that he's sticking around for dinner. Me and the girl are on the same page with this and glance at each other, but we can't exactly uninvite the guy. So dinner is awkward as hell. I'm trying to get to know her and whenever I ask a question this guy jumps in and answers. It's clear he's got feelings for her and is trying to prevent something from happening between us. On the way back to the river where a stroll was to be the next leg of the date his car breaks down. He pops the hood and his coolant tank is vibrating angrily. He reached for it and I yell "no!" and jump valiantly in front of the girl. He tried to unscrew the cap to the tank which predictably explodes in his face, showing him with searing hot coolant (I got some small burns on my arm). So he's all hosed up and writhing in pain and I'm trying to call an ambulance and wash out his eyes with bottled water and she's shrieking in horror so whatever chemistry we had for the night is dead. So the rest of the night is at the hospital with him (he had burns all over his face but they weren't serious). Eventually a friend picks us up and drops is at our respective places. Anyway miraculously we ended up dating for a few months until she had to leave to return to Germany. The fourth or so time we hung out is was at my buddies place with a couple other people. We watched Orgazmo at 2am and drank beer and she randomly just started sucking me off under a blanket. Like she rather unexpectedly just pulled my dick out and attacked it with her mouth. We were seated in the back of the (pretty large) living room, it was pretty dark and loud due to the movie, but my god, two of my best friends and a one of their girlfriends were in the same drat room. The combination of fear of getting caught and arousal was a potent combination. My friend turned randomly and saw what was going on, and I unloaded in her mouth right as me and him made wide eyed contact. So my first BJ took place like that. My friend has been good enough to never speak of this. One day out of the blue the car dude IMs me to apologize for his weird behavior trying to sabotage the relationship and that it was all due to these feelings of affection that he couldn't ignore. I told him no hard feelings and that it took big guts to say that. I apologized if I had come off jerkish to him at any point and I figured we were good...until he says that now she's gone, if I ever want to mess around with a guy I should give him a call. Turns out I had completely misread the situation and he had had a thing for ME the whole time.
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May 22, 2017 20:24
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Rough Lobster posted:One day out of the blue the car dude IMs me to apologize for his weird behavior trying to sabotage the relationship and that it was all due to these feelings of affection that he couldn't ignore. I told him no hard feelings and that it took big guts to say that. I apologized if I had come off jerkish to him at any point and I figured we were good...until he says that now she's gone, if I ever want to mess around with a guy I should give him a call. Turns out I had completely misread the situation and he had had a thing for ME the whole time. Wow what a twist ending!
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May 22, 2017 20:29
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beefart posted:No clue, she had 3 glasses of wine throughout the entire date so That was to wash down the handful of opiates she took earlier that day. Speaking of drugs, I used to hang out with a guy that was a low level dealer for weed, pills, coke and a little meth. A few of his customers were employed at a local strip club and I used to sometimes tag along because the girls would be much more attentive when he showed up. One night one of the waitresses (Lisa) started talking to me and we hit it off. Now I am totally aware of the games strippers play but this was just a waitress. Anyway she slipped me her number. I called her a few nights after and we decided to go out to dinner. However she picked a "work night" so I would have to wait until after 2am and meet her in some mall parking lot because she isn't allowed to date customers. She shows up around 2:30am with another waitress and a bouncer. Ok, so its a double date. We head off to some diner and things are going well and we all decide to go back to Lisa's house and drink. We are all just sitting around and I notice that the bouncer guy has two beepers on him (this was in 1994) and I asked him why he had too. He was very vague in his reply so later I figured he was a dealer or something. So things progress as things usually do and I end up in Lisa's bedroom while she takes a shower. Pretty soon we are making out and having sex. Sex was uneventful as we were both drunk and it was 5am. She then mentions that she has a court date the at 2pm in the next county over and can I give her a ride? Well I'm dumb so I agreed to do it. I figure it was just a traffic ticket or something but she had to appear and explain why she'd been missing payments on some judgement against her. She was involved in some hit and run and owned money to the person who's car she damaged. On the way back she starts talking about her ex husband which she also mentioned when we first started talking. I thought they had been broken up for a while but it turns out that he had just left two days before we met and she wasn't sure when or if he was coming back. "I assume he'll want his guns back." I was freaking out. All I could think about was this guy coming back to get his guns and finds my rear end in bed with her. I lost her number quickly and because of the "don't date the customers" rule at the club, it was easy to avoid her if I was in there with my friend. She eventually got fired for skimming the till.
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May 22, 2017 20:53
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Count Freebasie posted:Not my date, but one that I think was hilarious. A friend of mine went out with this girl, they got along well, and then he takes her back to his dorm room. Nigmaetcetera posted:This thread is about bad dates, buddy.
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May 22, 2017 20:55
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This has probably happened to everyone but I met up with this girl for sushi and she spent the entire time talking about her ex even after I said increasingly obvious things to voice my annoyance with that. Ultimately I said I'd forgotten my wallet in my car, which she really should of been more skeptical of, and I left her with the bill which I felt was only fair.
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May 22, 2017 20:58
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Jim Barris posted:This has probably happened to everyone but I met up with this girl for sushi and she spent the entire time talking about her ex even after I said increasingly obvious things to voice my annoyance with that. Ultimately I said I'd forgotten my wallet in my car, which she really should of been more skeptical of, and I left her with the bill which I felt was only fair. I would think you'd need a worse reason to walk out on a check
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May 22, 2017 21:24
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All's fair in love and war
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May 22, 2017 22:24
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Putty posted:I would think you'd need a worse reason to walk out on a check Well check this patriarchy fucko
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May 22, 2017 22:28
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treiz01 posted:Nah dude fat chicks give great blowjobs a woman who's 6'2" and 300 lbs would be comically obese i can't even begin to imagine how disgusting someone who's over a foot shorter but weighs as much would be.
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May 22, 2017 23:04
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treiz01 posted:Nah dude fat chicks give great blowjobs fat chicks elbow me on the bus son
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May 22, 2017 23:05
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Oh neat I was reminded of another one I had. I had a cousin that was a year younger than me that I hung out with all the time growing up. We'd go camping, hunting, fishing, etc all the time. One day during the summer before I was going to be a sophomore and he was going to be a freshman in high school I get some girl prank calling my house. After talking poo poo back a forth for a few minutes we ended up being friendly. It turns out that there were two of them and they just picked a random number to prank. This is like 1990 before caller ID ended a lot of prank call fun. After a while we devised a plan where one girl would have the other spend the night at her house, and my cousin and I would drive over and do all sorts of dirty stuff with them. My cousin and I said we were going to go camping that night so our parents were none the wiser. Where we camp was in a pasture with a pond on my grandma's farm and we figured since no one ever came to check on us before, it wouldn't happen that night either. So we set up camp, my cousin built a ridiculously large fire (so that people would think we were out there. . .) and we drove all the way across town to where the girl that was assigned to my cousin lived. We go inside and the girl for him is actually really cute. Keep in mind all of us were around 14/15 years old. Since that girl was cute I had high hopes that 'my' girl was going to be hot too. So we are told to go downstairs and chill out until the other girl gets there. After a few minutes I guess the girls mom brings her over and the girl that lived there tells us to shut the gently caress up while her mom brings her in. The girl I was there for comes down stairs just long enough to say hi, and then someone from upstairs calls after her. All I remember is that she was thin, had black hair and wasn't hideous. The girl that lived there told us to loving hide because some poo poo was going down, so we scatter into different rooms of this strange loving house and I hide in a closet of some bedroom. I don't know where my cousin went. After several minutes the girl that lived there comes in and tells us the coast is clear, but the girl I was there for had to go home. I figure the strange car sitting in the driveway piqued the other girls' moms interest enough that she sniffed out some shenanigans and took her daughter back home. At this point I'm like "Ok well gently caress you then" but my cousin isn't having that. Him and her lay on the couch watching fuckin Robocop while he fingerblasts her and I'm talking with the other girl on the phone in the back of the room. She keeps asking me what my cousin and her friend are doing like making out or whatever and she's saying "If I was there you and I would be doing a lot more than that". I power through watching those two 'watch' Robocop and when it ends I get a feeling of relief. . .until my cousin gets up and starts rewinding the movie. He goes about halfway through, stops, and climbs back on the couch with this skank. I get up and tell him to give me his keys so I could go gently caress off somewhere else. I go and get a gas station sandwich, come back and listen to Led Zeppelin CD's in this girls driveway for about an hour before he comes out. He gets in the car with a stupid grin on his face and goes "WHAT'S UP!" We go back to our camp spot and the fire is still going, miraculously only in the area we meant for it to be going. The rest of the night my cousin told me all about fingering that girl and playing with her boobs. The next day that girl calls me up, crying like hell, asking me where my cousin is and how she can get ahold of him. I know where he was, but it wasn't anywhere near a phone and I told her that. Turns out she 'ran away' and was at the mall and wanted him to come pick her up. I couple of hours later I got ahold of him and told him that and he just laughed and said 'Nah'. The other girl called me one more time after that but I told her I ain't going through that bullshit again and to lose my number. PureEvil6_13 fucked around with this message at 23:34 on May 22, 2017 |
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May 22, 2017 23:30
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Teen dating is hilarious and full of stories like that.
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May 23, 2017 02:31
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Groovelord Neato posted:a woman who's 6'2" and 300 lbs would be comically obese i can't even begin to imagine how disgusting someone who's over a foot shorter but weighs as much would be. Actually no that is not true, I know a 6'2 woman who is 300 lbs and sh'es gorgeous.
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May 23, 2017 04:40
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Jastiger posted:Actually no that is not true, I know a 6'2 woman who is 300 lbs and sh'es gorgeous. Bullshit. Or pic. How you hate south but love da chub?
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May 23, 2017 06:16
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Bombadilillo posted:Bullshit. Or pic Not gonna dox someone, sorry. But she was hot as hell and complained about her weight. Never would have guessed 300, but she's very very attractive.
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May 23, 2017 06:17
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Jastiger posted:Not gonna dox someone, sorry. But she was hot as hell and complained about her weight. Never would have guessed 300, but she's very very attractive. Blur the face. I dispute a 300 lb body.
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May 23, 2017 06:18
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All the extra weight is in her giantess boobs
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May 23, 2017 06:28
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Bombadilillo posted:Blur the face. I dispute a 300 lb body.  That's total bullshit.
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May 23, 2017 06:29
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I can confirm that I'm super hot but not every dude can handle a "full figured" tall woman My most entertaining date was the dude I met on okcupid who asked me out for a drink at a bar that turned out to be underneath his apartment. He offered me some fancy booze at his place instead, and he was a very handsome film student so like a dumbass of course I went upstairs. Whole apartment was full of mannequins painted like aliens and the walls were covered with eyes made out of mirrors. Like, an unthinkable number of alien mannequins for a studio apartment in San Francisco. He also told me his name was Odin, hah. Anyway come to find out a year later when I moved in with a new roommate that she had also met alien boy and he date raped her, so bullet dodged I guess.
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May 23, 2017 06:30
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Rough Lobster posted:My friend turned randomly and saw what was going on, and I unloaded in her mouth right as me and him made wide eyed contact. So my first BJ took place like that. My friend has been good enough to never speak of this. aaaand that's a 5
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May 23, 2017 06:52
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Vargatron posted:goddamn lol Have you ever tried taking a poo poo right before going to bed after a full day of drinking?
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May 23, 2017 07:58
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Mocking Bird posted:I can confirm that I'm super hot but not every dude can handle a "full figured" tall woman At first I was like, this dude's rad, what's the problem? but uh...yikes.
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May 23, 2017 08:09
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Tall fat women aren't hot, sorry They're not ugly either but they can never be hot,
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May 23, 2017 09:55
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Fartbox posted:Tall fat women aren't hot, sorry That's just true for any fat person, tall or not. No?
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May 23, 2017 10:24
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Well sometimes girls are technically fat, but it's mostly like, on their butts? Their faces look good and even their upper bodies arent that bad and big butts are cool and good
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May 23, 2017 10:45
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Mocking Bird posted:I can confirm that I'm super hot but not every dude can handle a "full figured" tall woman False, you are super hot. Didnt know if you met the other criteria they are on about, but a 6'3" woman who is 300 lbs can deffo be hot, as can just about any height/weight combo. Also that story has a creepy ending no thx.
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May 23, 2017 12:33
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Jastiger posted:Not gonna dox someone, sorry. But she was hot as hell and complained about her weight. Never would have guessed 300, but she's very very attractive. All that said, I suspect there may be virtually no-one else in the world who looks like this legendary 300 pound woman* if this all checks out. Edit: Except Mocking Bird I guess.
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May 23, 2017 12:34
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When did this become the "share your dumb opinions about beauty standards" thread? When I was a kid I was very much a shut-in (like today!  ). There was this one girl I was chatting with online, turns out she actually lived in my town in the middle of nowhere, and was a year younger than me! She constantly talks about her boyfriend, and eventually says they broke up, but she really misses him, and hey wouldn't I like to hang out? So I go to her place, I think driven there by her Mom, who left us alone. We watched Star Wars or something, and I thought we had a nice time. I remember hoping that she would be interested in me eventually, once she got over her ex. Months later I hear that she complained to a mutual acquaintance that she was disappointed I didn't make any moves. I did want to, but I mean, she had been missing her boyfriend, it would be impolite to even suggest anything of that nature, right?  This was probably my only date as a teenager.
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May 23, 2017 13:01
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Dr. Quarex posted:Ashley Graham comes to mind; she is not everyone's cup of tea but I seem to recall she weighed in the low 200s, and she is only 5'9", so it is not terribly hard to imagine a significantly taller woman with a slightly larger frame approaching 300. I had a 6' ex-girlfriend who looked anorexic (and possibly was) and weighed over 150. graham is probably ~180 or less and 120 more pounds is a huge amount of mass.
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May 23, 2017 13:20
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Not a date, but I was hanging out with a friend, and a girl he was dating came by, just to chill as well. After about 15 minutes of chatting / talking about whatever dumb poo poo was on TV they start Wrestling. I don't mean playful goofing around stuff, I mean like taking each other down and doing arm holds.. like college or high school wrestling. I was just like "this is pretty weird.. do you do this often?" They both calmed down, but then a few minutes later they started slapping each other in the face full contact. At that point I had to bail.. it was just too strange and too violent to be sexual. They were slapping the poo poo out of each other. I just said "see ya!" and drove home. A few hours later we met up for dinner, and they were completely normal. Acted like nothing our of the ordinary happened.
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May 23, 2017 13:25
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Not quite a date but - While I was working in Uganda I met this attractive local girl at the local expat bar where lots of us NGO folks would congregate. A couple of weeks after I first saw her, it's a quiet night in the bar and we get a drink and have a proper conversation. It's all innocuous stuff, I get the impression she genuinely likes me but at the end she tells me that she is in the Ugandan Army now. I don't push for specifics, because I don't believe her. I'm pretty sure I could have taken her home that night, but I'm holding back because something doesn't feel right. Week after that I see her, we chat again, dance, flirt. Again I hold back and keep it gentlemanly and after a few drinks she tells me that she had been a child soldier with the LRA under Kony, before being captured by the Ugandan Army, and then made to be a child soldier for them. I was a bit shell shocked and frankly, disbelieving - Ugandan girls will make up all sorts of poo poo to get your attention. However, at no point had she ever tried to get anything out of me, not even drinks. I left to join some friends for dinner. I was away up country for two weeks. When I got back to Kampala I worried she would think I ghosted her. She's at the bar as usual that weekend. She greets me, says she missed me the last two weeks. "I wasn't avoiding you, you know" "Oh I know, you were working hard in Gulu and a few days in Lira" She smiles like the cat who got the loving cream. I never told her where I was going and the Lira trip was an unplanned visit. She was obviously anticipating my unease, and explained that she was Army Intelligence, and knew who I was and who I worked for right from the beginning. Presumably she also knew what all the other expats in the bar were up to as well. Then she offered to give me government secrets. I don't want to give any more details, because while it was >10 years ago the Ugandan government aren't the nicest characters. But it pertained to the work I was doing there, and a major international treaty that the government were breaking in a serious way. I wanted to believe her, I think she genuinely trusted me, and maybe saw it as a way for her to get out of country in the bargain. I did genuinely believe she was an intel operative, it made sense. All the NGO guys drank there, and would blab about everything they were doing openly, even stuff that may embarrass the gov. I never took her up on that offer, and we never got together. Speaking with some UN contacts off the record they said that I was wise to decline, and explained that there was two probable outcomes - it was either misinformation / honeypot or if it was legit I would have probably met an all too common "road accident" before I got out of the country. EDIT: I've tweaked a few details for security by the way. Also, I'd like to add that despite the intrigue it wasn't really an awful encounter, she was genuinely the most engaging and charismatic woman I met there, great fun and a tremendous flirt. ReelBigLizard fucked around with this message at 14:01 on May 23, 2017 |
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May 23, 2017 13:56
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Malcolm Excellent posted:Not a date, but I was hanging out with a friend, and a girl he was dating came by, just to chill as well. After about 15 minutes of chatting / talking about whatever dumb poo poo was on TV they start Wrestling. I don't mean playful goofing around stuff, I mean like taking each other down and doing arm holds.. like college or high school wrestling. I was just like "this is pretty weird.. do you do this often?" They both calmed down, but then a few minutes later they started slapping each other in the face full contact. At that point I had to bail.. it was just too strange and too violent to be sexual. They were slapping the poo poo out of each other. I just said "see ya!" and drove home. A few hours later we met up for dinner, and they were completely normal. Acted like nothing our of the ordinary happened. Lol if you don't have a knock down drag out impromptu cage match with your S.O. on the reg. Oh, missed opportunity. You could have been posting this from some Ugandan death camp  Just kidding that's pretty wild. If she was as charismatic as you say, I'm sure military secrets flowed like water.
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May 23, 2017 14:37
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Malcolm Excellent posted:Not a date, but I was hanging out with a friend, and a girl he was dating came by, just to chill as well. After about 15 minutes of chatting / talking about whatever dumb poo poo was on TV they start Wrestling. I don't mean playful goofing around stuff, I mean like taking each other down and doing arm holds.. like college or high school wrestling. I was just like "this is pretty weird.. do you do this often?" They both calmed down, but then a few minutes later they started slapping each other in the face full contact. At that point I had to bail.. it was just too strange and too violent to be sexual. They were slapping the poo poo out of each other. I just said "see ya!" and drove home. A few hours later we met up for dinner, and they were completely normal. Acted like nothing our of the ordinary happened. I have actually been this person. My SO was nationally ranked for her weight class but tiny, and I had to use all 100lbs I had on her to compete properly. We were so loving competitive that on several occasions we bit each other :/ But goddamn every time some lumbering douchebro at a party would laugh at the concept of her being a wrestler, she would promptly drop on one knee and come back up with his leg, leading to his rear end being on the floor a second later. It was glorious.
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May 23, 2017 16:08
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I used to be able to take down my brother and he could never get loose even though I was like 112 lbs at the time and he was 180lbs. The holds you learn in wrestling are pretty amazing really.
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May 23, 2017 16:12
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