Quidam Viator posted:

*Puts 0-6 month old baby into a series of containers and slings*

*Baby literally never learns to roll over, screams if on its side or god forbid on stomach*

*innocent loving infant develops rectangular loving ribcage and is crippled because mom can't put down phone *

*millennial mom brings infant to expensive loving massage therapist (me) to teach 6 month old how to lift its head or roll over*

*I take all their loving money, mom never puts the phone down during the whole thing *

*Puts baby back in container immediately carrying it in one hand, wailing on that loving phone with the other. *

Rutibex posted:

bonsai baby

TheMostFrench posted:

A lesbian couple I know named their child Xeven. Later they announced on facebook that they changed it to Zeven for clarity.

Quidam Viator posted:

*Puts 0-6 month old baby into a series of containers and slings*

*Baby literally never learns to roll over, screams if on its side or god forbid on stomach*

*innocent loving infant develops rectangular loving ribcage and is crippled because mom can't put down phone *

*millennial mom brings infant to expensive loving massage therapist (me) to teach 6 month old how to lift its head or roll over*

*I take all their loving money, mom never puts the phone down during the whole thing *

*Puts baby back in container immediately carrying it in one hand, wailing on that loving phone with the other. *

54 40 or gently caress posted:

I bought this Ergo baby carrier for 275, bringing my babywearing collection up to 8 slings and three carriers at a net worth of $6000

Quidam Viator posted:

*Puts 0-6 month old baby into a series of containers and slings*

*Baby literally never learns to roll over, screams if on its side or god forbid on stomach*

*innocent loving infant develops rectangular loving ribcage and is crippled because mom can't put down phone *

*millennial mom brings infant to expensive loving massage therapist (me) to teach 6 month old how to lift its head or roll over*

*I take all their loving money, mom never puts the phone down during the whole thing *

*Puts baby back in container immediately carrying it in one hand, wailing on that loving phone with the other. *

Panfilo posted:

Do you perform spinal adjustments for babies?!

Len posted:

This family at the center was on their third kid and did that. Not one of them got tummy time it was laying on the back/sitting in swings and chairs. Their youngest was an infant and if we put him on his stomach he would lay there and scream until he fell asleep in the middle of the floor. He skipped over crawling in favor of scooting on his rear end like a dog with worms. But he had a Coach diaper bag and his three year old sister had name brand Uggs.

Thursday Next posted:

Quidam Viator posted:

gently caress NO.

I'm a licensed massage therapist who works mostly on adults, but took a serious course in helping these loving bonsai babies that people are raising.

If you were like... an actual parent of a baby, and paid attention to the poor fucker, you'd do stuff like "tummy time", where you encourage this like 0-4 month old baby to learn how to roll on its side, and then on its stomach, so it can like... loving LIVE and poo poo.

Everyone's been talking about people carrying babies around in slings, putting them in those loving bouncy things, gently caress, strapping the fucker in to a car carrier inside the house, so you can dick around with your friends on instagram, right? We call those "container babies" and their parents are so loving clueless, that if I don't come in and help the fuckers GET ON THE FLOOR, put down the phone, and loving work with their kid to learn basic locomotion, the kid will be massively developmentally delayed.

It's loving embarrassing. A baby has to learn how to move their arms and legs in order to roll themselves over, to sit up, to get on their side or back onto their back, which is comfort zone, and because these dipshits are strapping their kids to loving plastic, the kid never learns it. Then a doctor or child protective services refers them to me because I have this licensed specialty.

Yeah, so some of us are middle-aged computer janitors, others of us are middle-aged people janitors.

I mostly teach the parents what it's like to learn how to move from scratch, then guide them in getting their baby to do it. It's like 20% of my practice, and I'm trying not to let it take over too much more because as rewarding as it is to literally make it possible for a baby to live without intervention, it's too loving emotionally draining to deal with parents who don't give a gently caress about their kids.

EDIT:


EXACTLY. This guy gets it. I'm the loving people-janitor that comes in and teaches that kid to crawl because that dog-rear end drag is loving EMBARRASSING.

Panfilo posted:

Makes me wonder if there's a whole generation of crippled people inbound due to all this attachment parenting.

Quidam Viator posted:

gently caress NO.

I'm a licensed massage therapist who works mostly on adults, but took a serious course in helping these loving bonsai babies that people are raising.

If you were like... an actual parent of a baby, and paid attention to the poor fucker, you'd do stuff like "tummy time", where you encourage this like 0-4 month old baby to learn how to roll on its side, and then on its stomach, so it can like... loving LIVE and poo poo.

Everyone's been talking about people carrying babies around in slings, putting them in those loving bouncy things, gently caress, strapping the fucker in to a car carrier inside the house, so you can dick around with your friends on instagram, right? We call those "container babies" and their parents are so loving clueless, that if I don't come in and help the fuckers GET ON THE FLOOR, put down the phone, and loving work with their kid to learn basic locomotion, the kid will be massively developmentally delayed.

It's loving embarrassing. A baby has to learn how to move their arms and legs in order to roll themselves over, to sit up, to get on their side or back onto their back, which is comfort zone, and because these dipshits are strapping their kids to loving plastic, the kid never learns it. Then a doctor or child protective services refers them to me because I have this licensed specialty.

Yeah, so some of us are middle-aged computer janitors, others of us are middle-aged people janitors.

I mostly teach the parents what it's like to learn how to move from scratch, then guide them in getting their baby to do it. It's like 20% of my practice, and I'm trying not to let it take over too much more because as rewarding as it is to literally make it possible for a baby to live without intervention, it's too loving emotionally draining to deal with parents who don't give a gently caress about their kids.

EDIT:


EXACTLY. This guy gets it. I'm the loving people-janitor that comes in and teaches that kid to crawl because that dog-rear end drag is loving EMBARRASSING.

Quidam Viator posted:

gently caress NO.

I'm a licensed massage therapist who works mostly on adults, but took a serious course in helping these loving bonsai babies that people are raising.

If you were like... an actual parent of a baby, and paid attention to the poor fucker, you'd do stuff like "tummy time", where you encourage this like 0-4 month old baby to learn how to roll on its side, and then on its stomach, so it can like... loving LIVE and poo poo.

Everyone's been talking about people carrying babies around in slings, putting them in those loving bouncy things, gently caress, strapping the fucker in to a car carrier inside the house, so you can dick around with your friends on instagram, right? We call those "container babies" and their parents are so loving clueless, that if I don't come in and help the fuckers GET ON THE FLOOR, put down the phone, and loving work with their kid to learn basic locomotion, the kid will be massively developmentally delayed.

It's loving embarrassing. A baby has to learn how to move their arms and legs in order to roll themselves over, to sit up, to get on their side or back onto their back, which is comfort zone, and because these dipshits are strapping their kids to loving plastic, the kid never learns it. Then a doctor or child protective services refers them to me because I have this licensed specialty.

Yeah, so some of us are middle-aged computer janitors, others of us are middle-aged people janitors.

I mostly teach the parents what it's like to learn how to move from scratch, then guide them in getting their baby to do it. It's like 20% of my practice, and I'm trying not to let it take over too much more because as rewarding as it is to literally make it possible for a baby to live without intervention, it's too loving emotionally draining to deal with parents who don't give a gently caress about their kids.

EDIT:


EXACTLY. This guy gets it. I'm the loving people-janitor that comes in and teaches that kid to crawl because that dog-rear end drag is loving EMBARRASSING.

MY PALE GOTH SKIN posted:

More like "buys one $80 wrap, too lazy to watch DVD, tries a couple wrap styles without baby, chucks whole thing in closet and just carries the kid"

YeahTubaMike posted:

I have nothing to contribute but Quidam Viator is a loving saint

Quidam Viator posted:

Everyone's been talking about people carrying babies around in slings, putting them in those loving bouncy things, gently caress, strapping the fucker in to a car carrier inside the house, so you can dick around with your friends on instagram, right? We call those "container babies" and their parents are so loving clueless, that if I don't come in and help the fuckers GET ON THE FLOOR, put down the phone, and loving work with their kid to learn basic locomotion, the kid will be massively developmentally delayed.

Molentik posted:

Doesnt believe in vaccins, kid dies of some medievil disease

T.S. Smelliot posted:

*Dr. Stares at mysterious rash with puzzled look on face* "I've seen pictures of this like back in med school but... This disease was eradicated in the US... Measles?"

Outrail posted:

Has the USA/Australia has a major polio outbreak yet?

I'm going to feel so bad for the kids but educated parents with their heads up their asses deserve to lose a kid if they won't vaccinate. Who will they blame, the same health authorities who were yelling at them do get the vaccine in the first place?

Len posted:

I wonder if that would change their mind on vaccines. If all their unvaccined children ended up with Polio think they would vaccinate their future ones?

Panfilo posted:

Is the whole bonsai baby practice really all that new? There are plenty of cultures that lug kids around in slings and those kids don't necessarily end up as paraplegics.

Quidam Viator posted:

Panfilo posted:

Is the whole bonsai baby practice really all that new? There are plenty of cultures that lug kids around in slings and those kids don't necessarily end up as paraplegics.

54 40 or gently caress posted:

Took Fenix to the craft brewery for this awesome folk set. Had some great local craft brews with choice eats. Smoked sriracha maple bacon with local micro greens on a toasted peasant bread bun. Off to my shantala infant massage class all, namaste

Panfilo posted:

You're better off signing up for Diapr, the convenient app that sends a diaper changing expert to your house to take care of that.

phasmid posted:

*breaks in to your home and kills you before debating whether to smother the seed or give it to a pack of wolves, perchance to be raised feral*