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Martha Stewart Undying posted:why how weird
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May 30, 2017 17:19
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Pick posted:Also what kind of relationship is founded on gestures that any of your friends would do? Oh they picked me up from the airport *gargles cocks* i unironically know several women whose "healthy" relationships are this and am related to two of them
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May 30, 2017 17:20
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Yawgmoth posted:some people don't want to be around someone who smells like old lawn clippings and skunk piss well yeah i hate boomers too but whats that gotta do with weed
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May 30, 2017 17:21
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Yawgmoth posted:some people don't want to be around someone who smells like old lawn clippings and skunk piss But there isn't even any lingering smell at all from a vaporiser. Some people just hate the idea after a while, even if your life is fully sorted and you were stoned the first time they meet you. Then it's a control thing. GRINDCORE MEGGIDO fucked around with this message at 17:28 on May 30, 2017 |
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May 30, 2017 17:23
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therobit posted:I don't see where she is saying he had an asthma attack and had to go to the hospital, so I am thinking that this allergy is being exaggerated because he is a big baby.  Like this is some dumb bullshit made up by inconsiderate people: quote:On the other hand, they have always been rude about smoking with me in particular, telling me that the air I breathe is more toxic than any smoke they could ever produce.
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May 30, 2017 17:24
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GRINDCORE MEGGIDO posted:But there isn't even any lingering smell at all from a vaporiser. Some people just hate the idea, even if your life is fully sorted and you were stoned the first time they meet you. Then it's a control thing. Some people hate happiness. This thread alone evidences that.
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May 30, 2017 17:25
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CharlestheHammer posted:Saying that someone giving someone gifts based on gathering attention for themselves is the definition of cynicism. It's not the gift giving, giving gifts is cool and good! it's the extreme, extensive gift giving without an ounce of him trying in return that is sending up the sign that she's at least partially doing it for attention or validation.
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May 30, 2017 17:29
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Bamabalacha posted:It's not the gift giving, giving gifts is cool and good! it's the extreme, extensive gift giving without an ounce of him trying in return that is sending up the sign that she's at least partially doing it for attention or validation. It's not wrong to want attention and validation from your life partner, in fact you shouldn't have to feel like you have to grovel for it
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May 30, 2017 17:35
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Pick posted:It's not wrong to want attention and validation from your life partner, in fact you shouldn't have to feel like you have to grovel for it nah pick, giving gifts and wanting attention from your S/O is the kind of poo poo bawl'qaeda does. dont negotiate w/ emotional terrorists.
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May 30, 2017 17:37
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Martha Stewart Undying posted:Some people hate happiness. This thread alone evidences that. Control issues - the threadening.
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May 30, 2017 17:38
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Being uncomfortable receiving gifts is just a different way low self esteem is expressed
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May 30, 2017 17:38
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Pick posted:It's not wrong to want attention and validation from your life partner, in fact you shouldn't have to feel like you have to grovel for it I agree completely, I'm saying that she has gone over the top and that her boyfriend is also a poo poo head for not at least trying to meet her in the middle. My point is that her boyfriend is being a complete turd, but that level of gifting, be it from friends or your partner, can also get really grating if it's not your bag to receive so many.
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May 30, 2017 17:40
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Martha Stewart Undying posted:What kind of emotional terrorist does things for the people they love??? Well, I can think of a great example in my life. Gramma Kitty (God rest her), would do nice things with the (often unintentional) aim of emotional blackmail, as that was the only form of "love" she ever really knew. She had a supremely hosed up childhood and never really healed.  A lot of people do nice things to manipulate their loved ones to avoid dealing with feelings of uncertainty and abandonment. If you love them harder they won't leave. Thoughtful gifts lady's stuff sounds cool and I would reciprocate, but that would partly be due to feeling put upon to do so. I draw and write and paint and can cook to a safe-to-consume-and-at-least-edible degree, so I could do some of the crafty stuff back. There was a point in my life where I probably would have done things similar to OP (more volunteering time and physical labor would be involved) for five years. Now, I would talk about it if I noticed there wasn't any reciprocal feedback, and if it wasn't really their thing, I'd dial it back to the occasional piece of art or whatever when whimsy struck me. I learned to not look for my self-worth from external sources, eventually. I'm much happier now, even though I still very much enjoy giving my time, effort and resources to others. I still give bums money and blankets when I can, and help people with computer stuff if they ask, jump at the chance to move furniture and do stupid drawing for people when they ask, etc. These things aren't a need for me to feel better for a short while any longer, just a genuine want to be nice to people.
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May 30, 2017 17:41
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I don't think there's anything wrong with giving gifts to your loving, committed partner in a healthy relationship. For example, I was out shopping just the other day and saw this very cute MILLIONS OF OWLS coloring book and I had to immediately order it off Amazon for my girlfriend. I'll buy stuff like wine or cute animal t-shirts here and there maybe once or twice a month because I care and I want her to know how much I appreciate her and the connection we have. My girlfriend also has a very stressful job, so it helps for me to show her that I'm always there to count on through the occasional gift and other gestures. But it's a major issue if gifts are being given in excess because of lack of validation from either or both partners in an unhealthy, emotionally unstable relationship, or if one person is a loving shitheel about gift receiving due to self-esteem issues or whatever. Cough Drop The Beat fucked around with this message at 17:48 on May 30, 2017 |
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May 30, 2017 17:46
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Girls get showered in items all the time by guys just shallowly using it as a way into their pants. Some girls do it too, and don't demonstrate care in other ways. Gifts as part of a good relationship rock. EFB
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May 30, 2017 17:46
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Charles Get-Out posted:"Allergy" read to me like a convenient shorthand she used so that her family would take her seriously and stop smoking in people's faces for 5 minutes, but they couldn't even handle that so they should probably all Like a lot of the /r/relationships writers she's asking the wrong question: How do I get these people to do what I want? And she's unwilling to accept the only right answer, which is that you don't. It's tricky for some of these because the way they word their version of the wrong question makes it sound like some version of the right one, which is: These people are this way. How do I deal with it? And yeah. If she absolutely can't stand smoke, and her family is absolutely gonna smoke, the obvious solution is not to share a house. That doesn't get her everything she wants, but trying to bully or manipulate people into changing just adds a whole bunch of emotional complexity to an otherwise straightforward problem.
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May 30, 2017 17:47
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hawowanlawow posted:Being uncomfortable receiving gifts is just a different way low self esteem is expressed for people who were brought up that gifts and favors represent debts to be repaid a tremendous volume of unasked and unwanted favors basically amounts to a shakedown, and she's literally keeping a running tab of what he 'owes' her down to the gallon of gas so that's clearly how it's intended there's nothing wrong with wanting appreciation in exchange for doing a nice thing for someone and it doesn't sound like this dude was exactly available for a relationship to begin with, but she's not really being nice, and you can expect that people will start pulling away from you when every interaction with you starts feeling like you're the Amway rep of emotions A Wizard of Goatse fucked around with this message at 17:56 on May 30, 2017 |
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May 30, 2017 17:51
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Pick posted:It's not wrong to want attention and validation from your life partner, in fact you shouldn't have to feel like you have to grovel for it Has he texted you yet?
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May 30, 2017 17:53
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Martha Stewart Undying posted:If you're not into giving then you should prolly give up on relationships. Something something love languages
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May 30, 2017 17:53
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Bamabalacha posted:I agree completely, I'm saying that she has gone over the top and that her boyfriend is also a poo poo head for not at least trying to meet her in the middle. Right, but again, I don't really think that it's something that happens unless the relationship is suffering in other ways. Or unless one partner is like 19 years old, LOL
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May 30, 2017 17:57
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hawowanlawow posted:Being uncomfortable receiving gifts is just a different way low self esteem is expressed Also true
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May 30, 2017 17:58
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I can't relate to the smoking story because I'm house and car trained. I will stand outside in a blizz-fire-nado to ruin my heart and lungs and spare your property values, TYVM.
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May 30, 2017 17:59
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Charles Get-Out posted:"Allergy" read to me like a convenient shorthand she used so that her family would take her seriously and stop smoking in people's faces for 5 minutes, but they couldn't even handle that so they should probably all I think that if they go outside to smoke there isn't much more you can ask them to do. Basically I expect people to go outside or ask if it is ok before smoking inside and abide by the host's preference. Not ever smoking indoors around children or medically fragile people is also common courtesy these days. If you get bent out of shape about people smoking outdoors you are probably a hard person to deal with in general. therobit fucked around with this message at 18:03 on May 30, 2017 |
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May 30, 2017 18:00
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I'm just saying that smoking next to an open door or window doesn't really qualify as smoking outside for me, personally.
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May 30, 2017 18:06
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fruit on the bottom posted:Something something love languages The concept of love languages is total bullshit and mostly a way to justify unhealthy behavior in a relationship, but recognizing how to properly receive gifts in all relationships, whether romantic, familial, between friends, academic, etc, is very important and a skill to learn when growing up that many of these reddit stories seem to lack. Cough Drop The Beat fucked around with this message at 18:40 on May 30, 2017 |
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May 30, 2017 18:15
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Pick posted:It's not wrong to want attention and validation from your life partner, in fact you shouldn't have to feel like you have to grovel for it My cabinets are full of CookieMasters and Slap Chops and non-stick pans that my wife's parents bring every time they visit the baby. They're great people and I like them, but we'd be on the rocks if they saw those gifts as substitutes for the consistent, direct, and undivided attention that makes any relationship work. That's part of what might be going wrong in this gift-giving story. Maybe the dude's not into her. It's also possible he's like "this is you paying attention to your gift-giving hobby instead of paying attention to me," and feels ignored. I mean, that's the stock problem with attention proxies like choreplay and gift-giving: you work long hours, or clean the house, or whatever for the indirect benefit of your relationship, and that takes away from the consistent, direct attention your partner really wants and -- surprise -- they end up resenting something you thought you were doing to make things work.
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May 30, 2017 18:18
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therobit posted:I think that if they go outside to smoke there isn't much more you can ask them to do. Basically I expect people to go outside or ask if it is ok before smoking inside and abide by the host's preference. Not ever smoking indoors around children or medically fragile people is also common courtesy these days. If you get bent out of shape about people smoking outdoors you are probably a hard person to deal with in general. I agree, but they also continued to smoke indoors. They only smoked outdoors when he was obviously around. I'm a little surprised the asthmatic grandma was able to stay there even in the off season, cause the way she presents it her realtives smoked constantly in just about every room. Ofc, they also got mad that he didn't spend time with them, which is sort of a catch 22. Brainworm posted:Like a lot of the /r/relationships writers she's asking the wrong question: This is a good interpretive framework for these stories.
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May 30, 2017 18:19
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Pick posted:It's not wrong to want attention and validation from your life partner, in fact you shouldn't have to feel like you have to grovel for it 
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May 30, 2017 18:25
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Cough Drop The Beat posted:The concept of love languages is total bullshit and mostly a way to justify unhealthy behavior in a relationship, but recognizing how to properly receive gifts in all relationships, whether romantic, familial, between friends, academic, etc, is very important and a skill to learn when growing up that many of these reddit stories seem to lack. Did I ever tell you about the guy whose idea of a love language was that he wanted to be able to gently caress me at anytime, and in return he would occasionally load the dishwasher if we ever moved in together? Wow, a very precise love language
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May 30, 2017 18:26
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Brainworm posted:choreplay is this when one of you wears the sexy maid outfit or
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May 30, 2017 18:26
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therobit posted:I think that if they go outside to smoke there isn't much more you can ask them to do. Basically I expect people to go outside or ask if it is ok before smoking inside and abide by the host's preference. Not ever smoking indoors around children or medically fragile people is also common courtesy these days. If you get bent out of shape about people smoking outdoors you are probably a hard person to deal with in general. Not that common. I work next to a daycare and a hospital, every day I see people lighting up right under the massive NO SMOKING signs.
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May 30, 2017 18:26
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Pick posted:Did I ever tell you about the guy whose idea of a love language was that he wanted to be able to gently caress me at anytime, and in return he would occasionally load the dishwasher if we ever moved in together? Wow, a very precise love language 
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May 30, 2017 18:29
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Why do I [18F] want my boyfriend [18M] to cheat on me?quote:I'm not sure why I feel like this but I feel like it's because of my past. I was cheated on TWICE by my exes. Is there a word for someone who gets off on the idea of their partner cheating on them? also 
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May 30, 2017 18:30
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Cough Drop The Beat posted:The concept of love languages is total bullshit and mostly a way to justify unhealthy behavior in a relationship, but recognizing how to properly receive gifts in all relationships, whether romantic, familial, between friends, academic, etc, is very important and a skill to learn when growing up that many of these reddit stories seem to lack. Isn't the love languages stuff just extremely basic observations about human behavior like 'some people appreciate having nice things done for them more than they appreciate compliments' turned into some kind of weird RPG character class by the same people who take MBTI super seriously? I've never met a completely sane person who talked about it but I don't get all the code for abusers talk that keeps getting tossed around ITT
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May 30, 2017 18:30
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I mean, if the dude is clearly uncomfortable with all the gifts, she could also pick up on that and cut back. That's the same thing as learning to accept gifts. Perhaps the truth is... somewhere I'm the middle.
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May 30, 2017 18:34
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Batterypowered7 posted:Has he texted you yet? He never will. He never cared that much. He doesn't even talk to his mother so I don't see where I would have ever made the grade.
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May 30, 2017 18:37
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Brainworm posted:My cabinets are full of CookieMasters and Slap Chops and non-stick pans that my wife's parents bring every time they visit the baby. They're great people and I like them, but we'd be on the rocks if they saw those gifts as substitutes for the consistent, direct, and undivided attention that makes any relationship work. yeah but that awesome gf isnt giving her bf slapchops and cookiemasters; she's handwriting notes on why she thinks he's awesome or why she loves him or a myriad of other self-esteem building bullshit. youve gotta be real goony to leap from "why is this woman lavishing her S/O w/ affection and praise" to "because she's a clingy bitch who keeps secret tally on who's winning the gift olympics and uses gift giving as a stand in for social interaction" gift giving is a perfectly valid form of social interaction
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May 30, 2017 18:38
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Yeah, my ex-GF told me about them at one point. Basic idea is that there are like five or so main categories of how people show affection–verbal affirmation, gift giving, acts of service, physical touch, another one I can't remember, etc. We do them all, but we weight them differently. Like gift giving is actually pretty low on my list but the verbal stuff is pretty high. General idea is that you and your partner should figure out your rankings so you know how to let the other person feel loved but also so you can recognize when they are showing affection. If there's an abuse culture that's grown up around it I dunno. It was a pretty short relationship.
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May 30, 2017 18:38
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A Wizard of Goatse posted:is this when one of you wears the sexy maid outfit or It's a relationship situation. Like I clean the house while Mrs. Brainworm's at work, and when she gets home she's like "drat." Then the scrubs hit the floor and we get like a solid minute of post-coital high fives before the baby wakes up.
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May 30, 2017 18:41
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When I first heard about love languages it sorta made sense, like different relationships have different dynamics and people express/receive affection in different ways, but every time I end up seeing it used in some r/relationship post it just seems to be someone trying to justify lovely behavior.
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May 30, 2017 18:41
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