UKMT General Elextravaganza 2017: Lord Buckethead would have won

The Something Awful Forums > Discussion > Debate & Discussion > UKMT General Elextravaganza 2017: Lord Buckethead would have won

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What is the best flav... you all know what this question is: This poll is closed.
Labour	907	49.92%
Theresa May Team (Conservative)	48	2.64%
Liberal Democrats	31	1.71%
UKIP	13	0.72%
Plaid Cymru	25	1.38%
Green	22	1.21%
Scottish Socialist Party	12	0.66%
Scottish Conservative Party	1	0.06%
Scottish National Party	59	3.25%
Some Kind of Irish Unionist	4	0.22%
Alliance / Irish Nonsectarian	3	0.17%
Some Kind of Irish Nationalist	36	1.98%
Misc. Far Left Trots	35	1.93%
Misc. Far Right Fash	8	0.44%
Monster Raving Loony	49	2.70%
Space Navies Party	39	2.15%
Independent / Single Issue	2	0.11%
Can't Vote	188	10.35%
Won't Vote	8	0.44%
Spoiled Ballot	15	0.83%
Pissflaps	312	17.17%
Total:	1817 votes

[Edit Poll (moderators only)]

Killed By Death: Jun 29, 2013

dispatch_async posted:

https://twitter.com/youngvulgarian/status/872835456748204033

Apt metaphor

1188: The Cutting of the Elm occurs in Normady

Killed By Death fucked around with this message at 17:25 on Jun 8, 2017

# ? Jun 8, 2017 17:20

Adbot: ADBOT LOVES YOU

# ? May 17, 2024 12:07

Gyro Zeppeli: Jul 19, 2012; sure hope no-one throws me off a bridge

Skinty McEdger posted:

I'm really not looking forward to seeing that twee loving Winnie the pooh meme from after Brexit start doing the rounds again tomorrow.

On the other hand, I'm going to be at the top of my hate game. Like, I am going to be the LeBron James of loathing. It'll be my breakthrough parlimentary term of demanding Full Communism Now.

# ? Jun 8, 2017 17:20

dispatch_async: Nov 28, 2014; Imagine having the time to have played through 20 generations of one family in The Sims 2. Imagine making the original two members of that family Neil Buchanan and Cat Deeley. Imagine complaining to Maxis there was no technological progression. You've successfully imagined my life

https://twitter.com/jeremycorbyn/status/872844607108919298

# ? Jun 8, 2017 17:26

baka kaba: Jul 19, 2003; PLEASE ASK ME, THE SELF-PROFESSED NO #1 PAUL CATTERMOLE FAN IN THE SOMETHING AWFUL S-CLUB 7 MEGATHREAD, TO NAME A SINGLE SONG BY HIS EXCELLENT NU-METAL SIDE PROJECT, SKUA, AND IF I CAN'T PLEASE TELL ME TO
EAT SHIT

quote:

You�re probably thinking to yourself (or perhaps not) � what is the former Ukip leader Nigel Farage doing today, now that he�s not standing for parliament? Well, the anti-elitist, public school-educated, former City broker is at the Global Investment Forum, sponsored by a Swiss banking group and global private equity boutique.

https://twitter.com/abiroreibi/status/872787439772983296

hehehe

hehehehehe!!

# ? Jun 8, 2017 17:26

African AIDS cum: Feb 29, 2012; Welcome back, welcome back, welcome baaaack

So there is no chance Corbyn is gonna win?

# ? Jun 8, 2017 17:27

darkwasthenight: Jan 7, 2011; GENE TRAITOR

One more for The Absolute Boy™ in the admittedly pretty-drat-safe Don Central Constituency. Such a low risk of flipping that the only tory they could get to run lives 150 miles away, where he sits as a councillor for East Cambridgeshire.

We've also got the token amusingly insane local candidate this year; in this case the grandly monickered Captain Eddie Todd. So far his plank includes turning Doncaster into the new Disneyland, banning flights to Syria from our airport (we don't have any), stopping the council from grassing over the train station car park so homeless people can camp on it (we aren't doing that), and taking the pressure off the NHS by driving his private ambulance round town (the police just pulled him for running red lights while wearing a siren).

# ? Jun 8, 2017 17:28

Al-Saqr: Nov 11, 2007; One Day I Will Return To Your Side.

Is the long queues of students at polling stations noteworthy at all or did the same thing happen in 2015?

# ? Jun 8, 2017 17:31

Bobby Digital: Sep 4, 2009

dispatch_async posted:

https://twitter.com/youngvulgarian/status/872835456748204033

Now I know what Trump meant when he said that people call him Mr. Brexit

# ? Jun 8, 2017 17:31

Loving Africa Chaps: Dec 3, 2007; We had not left it yet, but when I would wake in the night, I would lie, listening, homesick for it already.

African AIDS cum posted:

So there is no chance Corbyn is gonna win?

Like <5% chance in one poll of winning outright but a hung parliament would be one of the great political comebacks given what the polls were saying when the election was called.

# ? Jun 8, 2017 17:32

Jose: Jul 24, 2007; Adrian Chiles is a broadcaster and writer

well i've seen one person on facebook voting labour because they like corbyn and farrage isn't UKIP leader lol

# ? Jun 8, 2017 17:32

Miftan: Mar 31, 2012; Terry knows what he can do with his bloody chocolate orange...

darkwasthenight posted:

One more for The Absolute Boy™ in the admittedly pretty-drat-safe Don Central Constituency. Such a low risk of flipping that the only tory they could get to run lives 150 miles away, where he sits as a councillor for East Cambridgeshire.

We've also got the token amusingly insane local candidate this year; in this case the grandly monickered Captain Eddie Todd. So far his plank includes turning Doncaster into the new Disneyland, banning flights to Syria from our airport (we don't have any), stopping the council from grassing over the train station car park so homeless people can camp on it (we aren't doing that), and taking the pressure off the NHS by driving his private ambulance round town (the police just pulled him for running red lights while wearing a siren).

What is he a captain of? I need answers.

# ? Jun 8, 2017 17:33

Angepain: Jul 13, 2012; what keeps happening to my clothes

baka kaba posted:

let's hear what he has to say hehehe

actually you know what let's not

# ? Jun 8, 2017 17:34

OwlFancier: Aug 22, 2013

Hell even if we just get a high youth turnout and they vote Labour it'll be important, because it will show that if you give us something worth voting for then we'll vote for it.

# ? Jun 8, 2017 17:35

Red Oktober: May 24, 2006; wiggly eyes!

Al-Saqr posted:

Is the long queues of students at polling stations noteworthy at all or did the same thing happen in 2015?

Not that useful - long queues of students are generally concentrated in university towns (of which there are few), which have a tendency to vote Lab/Lib anyway. It's the hundreds of other constituencies without universities in that will have the big outcomes.

# ? Jun 8, 2017 17:35

Captain No-mates: Apr 3, 2010

Voted for the Boy. Back from work. What do I do in the next hours before hope dies?

# ? Jun 8, 2017 17:35

African AIDS cum: Feb 29, 2012; Welcome back, welcome back, welcome baaaack

Loving Africa Chaps posted:

Like <5% chance in one poll of winning outright but a hung parliament would be one of the great political comebacks given what the polls were saying when the election was called.

Labour seems out of touch with the modern voter

# ? Jun 8, 2017 17:35

OwlFancier: Aug 22, 2013

Captain No-mates posted:

Voted for the Boy. Back from work. What do I do in the next hours before hope dies?

Drinking is generally UKMT pastime of choice.

# ? Jun 8, 2017 17:36

Miftan: Mar 31, 2012; Terry knows what he can do with his bloody chocolate orange...

Aw gently caress, started seeing pictures on Facebook of people heading out to download festival today. I hope all those yooths got their postal votes in already!

# ? Jun 8, 2017 17:37

Barry Foster: Dec 24, 2007; What is going wrong with that one (face is longer than it should be)

OwlFancier posted:

TBH not being able to be friends with tories is a mark of good character.

This is unironically true.

# ? Jun 8, 2017 17:37

Thanks Ants: May 21, 2004; #essereFerrari

Off to the pub, lads!

# ? Jun 8, 2017 17:38

Pissflaps: Oct 20, 2002; by VideoGames

A regrettable vote cast for Labour, entirely despite Corbyn.

This ones for his successor to build on.

Young voters: non existent. Maybe too rainy for them?

# ? Jun 8, 2017 17:40

Nothingtoseehere: Nov 11, 2010

My local ward has 70-80 volunteers come in today and are currently running 10 teams.

# ? Jun 8, 2017 17:40

V. Illych L.: Apr 11, 2008; ASK ME ABOUT LUMBER

Why have you not got a day off for elections

Seems dumb, people ought to have time to vote

# ? Jun 8, 2017 17:40

pitch a fitness: Mar 19, 2010

Chalk up another vote for the good guys

# ? Jun 8, 2017 17:41

communism bitch: Apr 24, 2009

My mum brought me up alone, living in council houses, getting child benefit, free school meals, the works.
My sister was born with a damaged heart and received months of postnatal care including several major operations all covered by the NHS.

Today my mum votes tory because "i just think they've done the most for my family".

:cripes:

# ? Jun 8, 2017 17:42

EmptyVessel: Oct 30, 2012

dispatch_async posted:

https://twitter.com/youngvulgarian/status/872835456748204033

What a way to learn my nephew has a twitter account.

One decent vote result already today: The Scottish Episcopal Church has voted to allow gay couples to marry in church.

# ? Jun 8, 2017 17:42

MR.B: Mar 15, 2007; I am the Owl

Regarde Aduck posted:

Why do you have Tory friends?

How do you resist smashing his face in with a brick?

I try to be civil, but he is a working class guy with depression and a disabled mother. Was pissed about welfare cuts that affected his mother.
Still votes Tory today.

# ? Jun 8, 2017 17:43

communism bitch: Apr 24, 2009

MR.B posted:

I try to be civil, but he is a working class guy with depression and a disabled mother. Was pissed about welfare cuts that affected his mother.
Still votes Tory today.

You should tell your friend he's voting to kill his own mother.

# ? Jun 8, 2017 17:44

Bape Culture: Sep 13, 2006

My wife's parents voted Tory and one is a care nurse and the other works in a factory hahaha

# ? Jun 8, 2017 17:45

Barry Foster: Dec 24, 2007; What is going wrong with that one (face is longer than it should be)

There is something deeply, primordially broken with the British brain

# ? Jun 8, 2017 17:46

darkwasthenight: Jan 7, 2011; GENE TRAITOR

Miftan posted:

What is he a captain of? I need answers.

Comedy ahoy. I think he's a commercial pilot, but he's a bit difficult to understand on his official page.

# ? Jun 8, 2017 17:46

Jedit: Dec 10, 2011; Proudly supporting vanilla legends 1994-2014

Killed By Death posted:

Apt metaphor

1188: The Cutting of the Elm occurs in Normady

1488: The Cutting of the NHS occurs in Maidenhead.

# ? Jun 8, 2017 17:51

Another Person: Oct 21, 2010

here is a reminder that we live in an awful country

quote:

I know some younger voters might be struggling with working out who to vote for in the upcoming election, so in 30 Rock-style, I'm going to explain it to you in Harry Potter. Please Share with anyone you think it might help.

Years ago, Britain was ruled by a dark witch called Margaret Thatchermort. She was a powerful being, who managed to convince many of the muggles to worship her, even though some suspected she did not have their best interests at heart. From her post in the Ministry of Magic, she worked with a power-crazed media mage named Rupert Merlock. Together, they weaved a powerful confundo spell to keep the muggles confused and complient. Eventually, Thatchermort fell, after being hit with an Avada Kedavra curse from her own Death Eaters.

But although she was defeated, her acolytes were everywhere. Over the next 20 years, they slowly consolidated their power, forming secret clubs in their expensive boarding schools, which were essentially like Hogwarts, only every house was Slytherin.

Eventually, the Death Eaters rose to power again, under the rule of David Hameron, a slightly incompetent wizard, who rumour has it spent much of his private time casting waddiwasi on pigs heads for some reason. He only had a small amount of Thatchermort's power, and he needed more to keep his grip on the country.

Luckily for him, the muggles were still under the influence of Thatchermort and Merlock�s confundo spell. Every day for the past 20 years, papers like Merlock�s The Mug and the Daily Muggle (Run by the evil Lord Daggar) had been printing stories that suggested that the country was under a dark spell from the European Wizarding Council, and that Britain was constantly under threat of being flooded by unskilled foreign wizards, who would either provide low quality spells, or refuse to perform magic at all, preferring to sit at home apparating 60" flat screen tv�s into their lounges, and living the life of Riley off the vast bounty that was the �49 a week unemployment benefit.

This constant rhetoric lead to the rise of a new faction, UKID (United Kingdom Independent Dementors party), who wanted to send all the foreign wizards and witches back to Azkaban (or wherever they came from). UKID gained traction with the muggles, because, thanks to the years of propaganda from Merlock and Dagger, it actually began to seem plausible that the country was under threat of imminent collapse.

Unfortunately, UKID were so successful, some Death Eaters started to worry that Hameron would lose his grip on the country, and so he made a pact to cast the Referenduerum spell on the populous if the dissenting Death Eaters supported him at the next election. Referenduerum was a spell that would give every muggle in the country a choice - to remain part of Europe, or to cloak the country in a permanent fog of invisibility. Privately, he thought it was a low risk strategy, as clearly no muggle would willing choose the isolation from the world that cloaking the country would bring. Plus there was every chance that the Referenduerum spell wouldn't actually work - nothing would change, and he�d be able to go back to weaving his dark magic on pig faces.

But what he didn�t know, was that Merlock actually wanted the Referenduerum spell to work, so that the country would be unshackled from the rules of the European Wizarding Council, and be controlled by the Death Eaters to boot. And as he controlled the Death Eaters, it would mean that he could effectively rule the country from the shadows, changing laws to suit his personal needs and tastes. His disgusting, disgusting tastes.

In association with Lord Dagger, Merlock ran a misinformation campaign in the press that ensured the Referenduerum spell�s success. Hameron was now faced with casting Brexitus, a powerful cloaking spell that would make the United Kingdom completely disappear from the face of the Earth. Quivering with fear, Hameron immediately quit the Ministry to spend more time with his pigs, ironically losing his grip on the very power he�d cravenly pursued in the first place.

In his stead rose Theresa Maytrix Le Strangle, a dark witch who used a metamorphmagus spell to appear more approachable and sensible than the other Death Eaters. She spent the next year explaining to the British what the Brexitus spell would mean. Unfortunately, she didn�t have much understanding of the spell herself, so she simply stated "Brexitus means Brexitus� over and over again. For Brexitus had never been cast before, and even though Maytrix put her best wizards on it, they were not the brightest (In fact, they made Goyle and Crabb look like Ron and Hermione). After spending an afternoon looking into it, they quickly began to realise that the effects of Brexitus would be disastrous, and that they would need to weave a new confundo conjuring on the populous. But to cast it, they would need to draw more power from the muggles. A lot more power.

You see, belief plays a big part when it comes to conjuring, and the more muggles that supported the Death Eaters, the greater their power grew. And while the Death Eaters already had a majority in the Ministry of Magic, they still still needed to increase their grip on power, by gaining more seats and thus influence on ministerial matters.

And the only way to do that was hold an election.

Which would have worked perfectly if it were not for a man named Corbyn Black. Born to an unassuming background, as a young man Corbyn had once faced Thatchermort during the Minister�s Question Time and lived to tell the tale, the only sign of their skirmish being a small lightening bolt shaped scar on his forehead. A small section of the wizarding community named The Order of the Rose realised that he could one day prove a valuable asset in the fight against Thatchermortism, and so they used an obscurism spell to hide him and his many good deeds from the view of the Death Eaters.

He eventually grew into a wizard of powerful convictions, a man who didn�t always manage to tuck his shirt in properly or wear his tie straight, but he loved his quiddich, and he always fought for the underprivileged muggles of society. The sort of guy you could go for a butterbeer with, y�know? He rose up through the wizarding ranks to become the leader of the Order of the Rose, and a thorn in the side of Theresa Maytrix Le Strangle. Merlock and Dagger hated him of course, because there's nothing worse to a tabloid than a man of principle. Not because having principles is a shameful thing, but because he can't be bought.

As the election was announced, battle lines were drawn.
Maytrix promised to give the homes of the elderly away to private firms, sell off the NHS to The highest (or middlish, she wasn't fussy) bidder and bring back house elf hunting, a particularly cruel sport that saw house elves being ripped apart by packs of vicious manticores. Apparently this was to reduce their numbers, but seeing as no-one could afford a house anyway, it seemed unlikely that house elves were really that much of a problem.

Many believed Maytrix had also been secretly collecting Thatchermort�s horcruxes, in order to ressurrect her mentor, but this was never confirmed. She ran a campaign of fear - fear that things might not turn out ok if she wasn�t there to oversee them. Fear that the country might become flooded with Eastern European wizards. Fear that things might be different.

By contrast, brave Corbyn promised to look after the muggles, offering young student wizards the chance to attend Wizarding Universities at no cost. He also promised to raise the national minimum wage to �10, and to eliminate zero hours contracts, to help those muggles who were struggling at the fringes of society. He promised to put more money into the NHS and the Police, to ensure that when things went wrong, there would be services to help the Muggles. He offered an antidote to a population of muggles that had begun to think it didn�t matter who you voted for, because the wizards always got in. But Corbyn also offered hope - hope that people still cared about their neighbours. Hope that people still believed that muggles of different nations and creeds strengthened our country. Hope of something different.

Now the election is nigh, and the Ministry is up for grabs. Who will you support, Maytrix, or Corbyn? The choice is yours...

this was on facebook - someone i know shared it. it is the worst thing.

Another Person fucked around with this message at 17:57 on Jun 8, 2017

# ? Jun 8, 2017 17:53

Miftan: Mar 31, 2012; Terry knows what he can do with his bloody chocolate orange...

darkwasthenight posted:

Comedy ahoy. I think he's a commercial pilot, but he's a bit difficult to understand on his official page.

Lovey stuff, thank you.

communism bitch posted:

My mum brought me up alone, living in council houses, getting child benefit, free school meals, the works.
My sister was born with a damaged heart and received months of postnatal care including several major operations all covered by the NHS.

Today my mum votes tory because "i just think they've done the most for my family".

# ? Jun 8, 2017 17:53

Camrath: Mar 19, 2004; The UKMT Fudge Baron

Did my bit, and voted for labour in a General for the first time. Put together a little brain dump on Facebook musing about my politics and how they've changed, which I'm going to somewhat self-indulgently share here.

quote:

As I filled in my ballot, I found a moment to reflect on my own political growth. I grew up privileged and voted conservative up until 2010. Not sure whether this is just down to my family background, or down to a loathing of Tony Blair and the 'New Labour' project, but it is what it is. In 2015 I voted green because let's face it, every other candidate and every other party was on the spectrum from 'a bit poo poo' to 'cock-gargling evil thundercunts', via 'piss coloured quislings'.

But then Corbyn came along, and while he represented everything that my background told me I should despise (indeed the first time I heard his name anywhere other than on Somethingawful and the UKMT was my dad taking the piss out of him before the first labour leadership win), I actually took time to listen to him- not just his many followers and supporters in my normal internet bubble but the man himself. A crusty jam-making granddad, who tends an allotment just up the road from where I live. Not a sleek sack of poo poo in a bespoke suit, not some glib PR expert spraying out sound bites like pus from a zit, but a man who had built his career being a local advocate for his constituency, campaigning for peace and social justice and being a right royal pain in the arse for his party.

A man who spoke against austerity, against the superficiality and spin of modern British politics. A man so hated by the press and establishment that no slur or lie was too great. And that to be honest is what tipped me fully into his camp- anyone who makes such powerful and vicious enemies frankly has to be doing something right!

And so I just put an 'x' next to labour for the first time in my life. The odds are against us, but I'm not going to give in to that bitter old SA meme 'hope is a lie'. We have a chance at least. And whatever happens in the next 24 hours, there's now a huge new generation of energised, engaged left wing thinkers and voters out there. To win today was always a long shot, but it's not about today, or this government. It's about the next, and the one after that. It's about having the lies of the rich and powerful not going unchallenged anymore. About an opposition to Tory evil that is more than just a 'same but we'll spin it better'. Whether or not he makes it to number 10, I hope Jezza is pleased at what he has achieved in the past six weeks, and over the past two years. He should be.

# ? Jun 8, 2017 17:54

African AIDS cum: Feb 29, 2012; Welcome back, welcome back, welcome baaaack

Bape Culture posted:

My wife's parents voted Tory and one is a care nurse and the other works in a factory hahaha

Maybe they want what is best for the country

# ? Jun 8, 2017 17:55

FiftySeven: Jan 1, 2006; I WON THE BETTING POOL ON TESSAS THIRD STUPID VOTE AND ALL I GOT WAS THIS HALF-ASSED TITLE; Slippery Tilde

Another Person posted:

here is a reminder that we live in an awful country

this was on facebook - someone i know shared it. it is the worst thing.

Any chance of reposting that in a readable format?

# ? Jun 8, 2017 17:55

Another Person: Oct 21, 2010

FiftySeven posted:

Any chance of reposting that in a resolution from 2017?

no because i dont want to accidentally read it ever again. i will fix it in another way tho.

# ? Jun 8, 2017 17:56

jBrereton: May 30, 2013; Grimey Drawer

FiftySeven posted:

Any chance of reposting that in a readable format?

It's 👏 Like 👏 Hogwarts

# ? Jun 8, 2017 17:57

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# ? May 17, 2024 12:07

goddamnedtwisto: Dec 31, 2004; If you ask me about the mole people in the London Underground, I WILL be forced to kill you; Fun Shoe

V. Illych L. posted:

Why have you not got a day off for elections

Seems dumb, people ought to have time to vote

Polls open at seven in the morning and close at ten at night, and are generally very handily located. Plus there's postal voting. All that would happen if you made it a holiday is people would piss off to Southend for the day.

# ? Jun 8, 2017 17:58

The Something Awful Forums > Discussion > Debate & Discussion > UKMT General Elextravaganza 2017: Lord Buckethead would have won

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